I didn’t think I would want to write tonight. Then I started catching up on your blogs and once again you inspired me.

THANK YOU TO UNTANGLED -your post inspired this one.

Friendship is a theme I feel embarrassed to write about.

I could blame my lack of being a girl with loads of girlfriends on being an only child but I have to be honest and say I was unofficially  “adopted “by a family of three brothers and a sister when I was 8 years old.

Life was good then. I know I have always been overly sensitive – blame that on insecurity perhaps.

Insecurity is a learned emotion. I’m learning to unlearn being insecure and vulnerable. I’m doing surprisingly well to be honest.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t friendless. I always had friends in some shape or form but I never could make that full sorority  sister- hood connection.

It’s not me!

I was the reader. The one who loved to look at family pictures and laugh about  silly shit.

I also moved around  from place to place -country to country- a lot. I don’t think that helped.

I appreciate the travel and the different cultures now but then it wasn’t so cool.

I don’t know if this  is a mental illness “thing”. I do think having mental health issues took a lot of my time.

A lot of my years, to be exact. This is a valid point I am making – it is  MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK FROM 16TH -22ND MAY2016– the theme this year is coincidently about friendship.

This post is kind of coming together.

I like.

I  have had so many extend the hand of friendship over my life so far and I try . I do try and reciprocate….

….then I doubt myself.

I think are they pitying me ?  WHAT IS THEIR TRUE AGENDA? 

I have been used -soemthing we can all relate too? Or is it just me?

Isn’t that sad – in a pathetic sort of way?

I don’t think it is easy to make genuine friends who will stick by you through everything.

I’ve had quite a few people( who seem to have the rock star of friendship crowds) – reach out to me to ask for my opinion or to talk.

I wander around my mind questioning why not their closest friends?

 

I’ve got my hen do coming up and I suppose that has got me thinking a lot about friendship too, for obvious reasons.

There is random assortment of lovely people invited.Some  I have known for many years in different ways and some not so long.

Surely, I can’t be the only one who feels this?

I don’t think people would volunteer if it wasn’t for at least part of the potential  social life aspect.

I see these girls with their girlfriends and I wonder…

I don’t wander.

I wonder…..

If 

How

Why

Why not?

Am I lonely? 

I think the saying about being in a room full of acquaintances and friends and still feeling alone and lonely holds true.

I sense  I could be on stage -people come to see me and still feel alone.

I was feeling kind of emotional a few days ago (that time of month, wedding stress and life ) and a bit insecure with this whole hen do coming up.

My Ma is organising it and she has invited a bunch of people –

I got it in my head that these people were using the pity card and I cried to my Ma on the phone – (yes, 34 year old women do cry sometimes)

“I don’t have any friends “

My Ma  was on the other end of the line and said

“I’m your friend” 

She is -possibly one of the best friends I have ever had.

I said my good byes and wiped away my tears and then one friend I have known for years rang me. She is not very well. We have one of those when I see/speak to you -we pick up where we left off.

She wasn’t doing too well and I listened like I always do but then I had to tell her to listen to me.

This is new territory for me.

I told her all about my crap day and week  and the shitty people I had to talk too and she just listened. We ended the phone call -laughing.

Another friend rang me and again – not a person I see all the time but we had a good giggle  too.

So this brings me to the question can a person who services your car, as an example, become a friend?

I am supposing yes. Especially, when I consider the amount of life details and secrets we know about one another.

To me  that person becomes my friend when I feel a sense/duty of loyalty towards that person.

I get on with guys but it would be awesome to find out what the whole ‘Sex and the city’  or ‘Friends’ friendship life is like.

So, yeah, I often took the lonely route to wherever I was headed -forever getting lost…

…even when the phone was shrieking at me to pick up  – people were reaching out to come and get me. I couldn’t reach back.

I can’t have regrets.

Not all people are meant to be friends.

Some I am glad I am not friends with. I have seen many fickle people in my time too. 

DUPLICITOUS is a good word for how  I’ve seen some people do “friendship”

I don’t need a hundred- a handful of close and true friends would be one genie wish.

I don’t know….

What I  do know is, that the ones who turn up to my hen do – there is a bunch of people I have known for many years and some only a few. We have all had our lives to endure and I’ve noticed a lot of the people I’ve got to know -hold back too.

So what?

I may not have a thriving social life with a hundred and one mates but the ones who let me be me and genuinely are there for me are the ones that count.

It only takes ONE to make it count…

Thanks for the inspiration….

I don’t feel embarrassed any longer.

I feel free and I feel authentic and I never want to fucking change that part of me.

that’s it. I guess 🙂