Blog Archives

WordPress member death by suicide

Apologies for being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.

I’m devastated as I am sure some of his family are. I received a horrific comment 2 years ago and decided to read it out loud to show people how the way we communicate has a huge impact on people.

Paul Mc Aleavy aka Palfitness passed away yesterday.

Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.

He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.

Paul, you will be missed.

Please pay your respects.

He loved Daphne- his dog. I think that was what kept him going. His sister in law took Daphne away from him. We all go through ups and downs in life.

Don’t be so quick to judge or at least check your initial thoughts and judgements

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PAUL AND DAPHNE

PAL FITNESS

“Fitness” is the root to success in any career!!

Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome!

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Found: Inner Panacea

*only you can decide which oddities are worth keeping or eliminating some most definitely are worth keeping- the ones that make you feel alive keep- the ones that make you feel ugly and insignificant -discard*

TIP  FOR  A SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT:

Expose

Detox

Eliminate

Cleanse

 repeat regularly. 

Bonjour tristesse, I leave you without a second glance.

6hours to go until a new dawn greets me with its fiery dance.

No amount of Moons ago,  could I  foresaw this trip to  such a  bodacious planet.

Lavender dreams interrupted by the need for a bubble bath to cleanse my soul,

enrich my palate.

How it  leaves me in stark clarity,

 other daisies grow wildly in meadows.

2 am cleanse off- eliminate others’ unwanted worries and troubles.

Herbal tea infusions – a meet up with friends who know about life’s true haggles.

Comments intended to cut to the core.

Manage to lick-up   one salty tear

begging for more.

A soul is awoken when it faces all directions.

Never blind yet always courageous to evoke dear affections.

Common goals shared by trolls made by the same finger pointing corporation

Pity those who continue to live not a decade but over half a century in miserable devastation.

Hot water filling a tub – a sauna to enlight.

Voices

You are “divorced”, a drama queen, I only wanted a  shag.

It tickled your delight to dangle carrots when I was newly married

you are most certifiably unbecoming the state of inner jihad.

I’m  having fun acting in a workshop.

That accent is dreadful I can sign you up for electrocution elocution lessons.

Don’t mind me having a gas- the whole purpose of improvisation is to get involved.

 Don’t use me as a pawn for fear of being put under your harsh self-imposed scrutiny.

You are ugly.

 the biggest topic under dissection in a house full of self-confessed millionaires.

All those beatings, and  Sangria holiday hangovers yet,

 still, no permanent fix for happiness to last longer than a child’s joy at the penultimate of funfairs.

Three perfect lessons in all that is wrong not  with me, but with others,

who can’t equate strength alongside vulnerability.

How can it be true that the two run side by side like rivers?

 merging into one ocean of clear waters.

Confucianism arise in accountability.

No one can possess opposing characteristics!

 She does not conform to why we hate her

so, now we must turn up the  gas lighter

 justify our vexes and vehemence to assure we are credible witnesses, to attest, this Red lettered calamity remains  hidden,

 In dead carcasses.

Oh, Shame!

we shall honor you and remain her loyal Foe.

A few written words, at an ungodly hour.

I’ve never been one to conform to another with power.

Time is up, my bath tub is run.

Imagine it freestanding.

careless in an era where it is encouraged to be eccentrically unique. cartwheeling in a  quest to not only live and work hard,

 remember to have fun.

*inspired by toxic people.

Daisy, how can you just assume it’s other people who are toxic and not you?

Well, I say it takes one to know one.

I know how to be toxic, I’ve been toxic and I know how it feels to live away from toxic vibes and people. *

Mystery solved

Finally, I can accept this award. My comma, on my keyboard, stopped working yesterday!   Yes, I couldn’t pause, I couldn’t breathe!

Today being the last day of 2016. oh yeah! I would like to thank the lovely -B.G @ Getting Through Anxiety for this mysterious award. I’ve secretly been wanting it for a long time.  mwahaha (evil laughter)

 

I will nominate 20 blogs who I think need be seen more and if they are AWARD FREE, I still believe in these blogs and what they have to say. 

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IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT ZEE- RULES ARE THUS:

  • Display your chosen  award logo/image on your blog- (google images are a great place to find one to suit your style)

  • List the rules

 

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to the nominator’s blog

  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well – OKOTO ENIGMA’S BLOG …Because life is all about learning new things and having fun

  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself

  • Answer 5 questions from the nominator (me)

  • Nominate 10 – 20 people

  • Notify your nominees by leaving the nomination link in the “comment” of their blog

  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)

  • Share the link(s) to your best post(s)

      THREE THINGS ABOUT ME

  1. I am all heart but I can stick up for myself and I am no pushover.  😀

  2. I doubt myself constantly but I never give up 

  3. I woke up to this song in my head

     Q&A TIME

Have you had a crush on your teacher as a teenager?

Mmmh.. I’d be lying if I say no. I vaguely remember a male teacher when I probably not even 12 years old; yet, I can’t remember what he taught or his name or even what school I was at but, I do remember feelings stir inside me.  Obviously very short-lived and not memorable enough to go into detail. 😀 

If you had the power to change one thing in your past, what would that be?

I would wear my glasses or beg for my family to get me fitted for  contact lenses so, I could actually see the world I was living in and see people’s expressions, learn to lip read, watch nonverbal communication, not be so internalized and complexed by my imagined ideas of how I thought others felt about me. 

Which country is your next dream vacation, and what made you want to go there?

Really?    cheating here. I need to go to Italy and Greece.  I’m obsessed with Western mythology. I really want to travel all over the East. I imagine when I visit India, I will wake super early so I can get to the Taj Mahal before all the other tourists so that I can experience being there and feel and hear the energy of silence. 

Do you think it is okay to keep secrets even between best friends?

Well, it depends on the secret. If it is personal to whichever friend and is not compromising my loyalty to my other friends, then yes. It’s a tough one.

If you could be transformed into something else, what would be your preference, and why?

In winter, I would like to my cat – not anybody else’s but my Miss Tatiana. In summer and spring, I would want to be a fairy or a pixie – some creature able to fly, create magic, observe others without being noticed. In Autumn I would like to have a chance to be a tree. I want to know what it feels like to lose my leaves, foliage etc.. I want to feel that season from a Tree’s perspective. Just don’t cut me down. 

MY NOMINEES:   (RANDOM ORDER )  IFYOU DON’T DO AWARDS TAKE IT AS A COMPLIMENT -I SEEK NOTHING IN RETURN

I’m rolling with the same questions I was asked 🙂 

  1. THE WRITINGS OF JASPER KERKAU

  2. CELONA’S BLOG Expressions Meet Realism; THE ADEPT MIND OF OKPERE CHARLES

  3. samantha lucero she writes stuff sometimes.

  4. Dalindcy

  5. lois e. linkens poems and prose from a confused english student

  6. SEE HOW YOU CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.. One stop problem solving blog..

  7. summer SHINES Because life’s a playground, so why not play :

  8. Carolina@YesterdayAfter Art Inspiring Magic

  9. SHELDON KLEEMAN

  10. dellartista The Happy Cottage: A place where anyone can come and share their writing, art or just to share thoughts or feelings.

  11. PEOPLE REBUILDERS FOUNDATION

  12. Matthew Tonks’ Twisted Roads of Madness

  13. 1000 Shades of women -empowering women

  14. The Thinkers Paradise A Walk Through Kaleidoscope of Life

  15. Expressions of my life – An evolution of art. MY JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE AS AN ARTIST, FATHER, AND PERSON WITH YOUNG ONSET PARKINSONS

  16. adventuringwithlove-A LIFESTYLE BLOG BASED IN MANCHESTER, UK

  17. The Beauty of Words Mastering social media, writing, and editing

  18. The darkest fairytale

  19. Labeled Disabled The journey of a woman moving beyond labels and disabilities to embrace her true essence and path.

  20. GARY@ Fiction is Food

See you in 2017 – onwards and upwards. Make it your own.

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Just ice cross- fire

Bang Bang, I’m going to shoot you  dead!

Electric convulsive shocks creating heightened velocity in her head.

Trigger words of mothers who have died, snowed, under morphine.

Malignant lungs charcoaled.

The death rattle  – gargles and fills up  the lungs ready to  drown every last Mercedes Benz  dream.

Bang Bang –  a Prayer  sent up to her envisioned maker with  every bad lead thought that scatters  across her  mind.

Know psalms off by heart. Guy Fawkes terrorism  paid  for this public bonfire – doesn’t make it right -doesn’t make it an act of kind.

Chug a glass of spirited potatoes – grapes squish out the thoughts that stain thy window.

Moderation is not what she seeks, she merely wants to come to terms with her grief.

 Such a sudden blow.

Patriarchs invades her  self-made sanctuary – no amount of sage can expel the plague he carries.

Itching, biting, scabbed. riddled with disease.

Blackened limbs fall off – ebony  hearted-trickster – outlawed  even the one  he marries.

Therapy Cluedo  in the south of France, – sewn up mouths and eyes , compassionless –  flesh hanging – bubbled , leathered  and well worn.

Every day he promises he will leave. He promises he will come visit his own mother – She can’t speak or talk – she is one of the frail old born.

Forlorn- A bus goes by – Sunshades hide the tears pouring out of her eyes.

Waving off a friend she once knew –  she may be safe under lock and key – it doesn’t make her feel better when they embrace with such passion, it could stoke  a field of fires.

Brazen- bewildered – lice infestation  and puffed up Eskimo  mess – Look at this  fragmented shell , she is in need of just  one caress.

Consumed with guilt – that is not hers to own. It is the cat’s fault your  home is a shambles and smells of piss , whispers biased loose lips, fresh off a scandelous printing  press.

Chased out of her very  -own home –  headphones firmly planted  in her ears to make her life monotone .

A spectrum of color and vivaciousness she has lost- who can silence the screams pouring out of  her mouth in tones of monochrome?

Safeguard her from inbred exploitation – cast back this tokoloshe to  his own devised theater of purgatory.

If Jesus wept – he didn’t do enough- a lake full of holy water can never anoint  his aimless  trajectory.

Justice is who she sides with ,in every battle – Ready for an outbreak of  war – she will evict Denial from her friend’s abode.

No more dossing about and ejaculating  scandalous words  – lies -that make justice’s head spin around so fast. Run Tyrant -she is about to  explode.

Remember,  what  a scrupulous enemy she can make  out of you.

Manipulation test- she scored well  above average –     The school of the gifted bestowed her with the largest milked  cash cow taken from mother nature’s personal  reservoir of dew.

She knows the rules, she knows the moves- instinct  and empathy are her winning tools.

She cares not for  his  sexist Judgment  increasing multiples of spore bacteria – frozen in  barricaded  transparent  igloos .

All it takes is one breath of hers to melt him into a little boy blue.   crying profusely until he is nothing but another muddled puddle in the tarmac.

A careless afterthought only remembered  if one is quick enough to look at the sole of the innocent’s  shoes.

* inspired by my own personal feelings towards something I have witnessed in silence  for far too long. My fuse grows shorter*

 

 

 

Friendship (T Y 2 Untangled blog)

I didn’t think I would want to write tonight. Then I started catching up on your blogs and once again you inspired me.

THANK YOU TO UNTANGLED -your post inspired this one.

Friendship is a theme I feel embarrassed to write about.

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WELL THAT IS A  RATHER PESSIMISTIC WAY OF LOOKING AT IT

 

I could blame my lack of being a girl with loads of girlfriends on being an only child but I have to be honest and say I was unofficially  “adopted “by a family of three brothers and a sister when I was 8 years old.

Life was good then. I know I have always been overly sensitive – blame that on insecurity perhaps.

Insecurity is a learned emotion. I’m learning to unlearn being insecure and vulnerable. I’m doing surprisingly well to be honest.

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Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t friendless. I always had friends in some shape or form but I never could make that full sorority  sister- hood connection.

It’s not me!

I was the reader. The one who loved to look at family pictures and laugh about  silly shit.

I also moved around  from place to place -country to country- a lot. I don’t think that helped.

I appreciate the travel and the different cultures now but then it wasn’t so cool.

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I don’t know if this  is a mental illness “thing”. I do think having mental health issues took a lot of my time.

A lot of my years, to be exact. This is a valid point I am making – it is  MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK FROM 16TH -22ND MAY2016– the theme this year is coincidently about friendship.

This post is kind of coming together.

I like.

I  have had so many extend the hand of friendship over my life so far and I try . I do try and reciprocate….

….then I doubt myself.

I think are they pitying me ?  WHAT IS THEIR TRUE AGENDA? 

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I have been used -soemthing we can all relate too? Or is it just me?

Isn’t that sad – in a pathetic sort of way?

I don’t think it is easy to make genuine friends who will stick by you through everything.

I’ve had quite a few people( who seem to have the rock star of friendship crowds) – reach out to me to ask for my opinion or to talk.

I wander around my mind questioning why not their closest friends?

 

I’ve got my hen do coming up and I suppose that has got me thinking a lot about friendship too, for obvious reasons.

There is random assortment of lovely people invited.Some  I have known for many years in different ways and some not so long.

Surely, I can’t be the only one who feels this?

I don’t think people would volunteer if it wasn’t for at least part of the potential  social life aspect.

I see these girls with their girlfriends and I wonder…

I don’t wander.

I wonder…..

If 

How

Why

Why not?

Am I lonely? 

I think the saying about being in a room full of acquaintances and friends and still feeling alone and lonely holds true.

I sense  I could be on stage -people come to see me and still feel alone.

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I was feeling kind of emotional a few days ago (that time of month, wedding stress and life ) and a bit insecure with this whole hen do coming up.

My Ma is organising it and she has invited a bunch of people –

I got it in my head that these people were using the pity card and I cried to my Ma on the phone – (yes, 34 year old women do cry sometimes)

“I don’t have any friends “

My Ma  was on the other end of the line and said

“I’m your friend” 

She is -possibly one of the best friends I have ever had.

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I said my good byes and wiped away my tears and then one friend I have known for years rang me. She is not very well. We have one of those when I see/speak to you -we pick up where we left off.

She wasn’t doing too well and I listened like I always do but then I had to tell her to listen to me.

This is new territory for me.

I told her all about my crap day and week  and the shitty people I had to talk too and she just listened. We ended the phone call -laughing.

Another friend rang me and again – not a person I see all the time but we had a good giggle  too.

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So this brings me to the question can a person who services your car, as an example, become a friend?

I am supposing yes. Especially, when I consider the amount of life details and secrets we know about one another.

To me  that person becomes my friend when I feel a sense/duty of loyalty towards that person.

I get on with guys but it would be awesome to find out what the whole ‘Sex and the city’  or ‘Friends’ friendship life is like.

So, yeah, I often took the lonely route to wherever I was headed -forever getting lost…

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…even when the phone was shrieking at me to pick up  – people were reaching out to come and get me. I couldn’t reach back.

I can’t have regrets.

Not all people are meant to be friends.

Some I am glad I am not friends with. I have seen many fickle people in my time too. 

DUPLICITOUS is a good word for how  I’ve seen some people do “friendship”

I don’t need a hundred- a handful of close and true friends would be one genie wish.

I don’t know….

What I  do know is, that the ones who turn up to my hen do – there is a bunch of people I have known for many years and some only a few. We have all had our lives to endure and I’ve noticed a lot of the people I’ve got to know -hold back too.

So what?

I may not have a thriving social life with a hundred and one mates but the ones who let me be me and genuinely are there for me are the ones that count.

It only takes ONE to make it count…

Thanks for the inspiration….

I don’t feel embarrassed any longer.

I feel free and I feel authentic and I never want to fucking change that part of me.

that’s it. I guess 🙂

The price of life

‘When you die,it will not be  because you are sick, but because you were alive’ – Seneca  (c.4BCE 46BCE-6FCE.)

I’ve  mentioned in a couple of posts recently about my plan to get my spark back. My passion for life and my passion for   being mentally well.

Life is a funny thing. I’ve been ‘umming and ‘aahing’ about my life and how little I have accomplished.

VERY POOR ME, POOR ME, POUR ME ANOTHER DRINK-  but I am not drinking at the moment due to my wedding 😀 but you get the message.

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I see everyone doing their thing and they all seem happy and got their shit together.

Have you ever met someone?  and you think ‘I’m kind of excited how big a part this person may be in my future? 

I met this guy at a volunteer get together just over the month ago. This charismatic character introduced himself – all dreadlocks. An open face -a smile that reached up to the crinkles if his eyes. Someone I saw and thought:

He has his shit together. He told me about his experiences with volunteering with Health minds.

Early last month, I received a FB email one night from this dude and he told me he reads my blog he found it was inspiring.  I was touched to my very core. It was just the boost I needed .

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I was going through one of my cartoon storm clouds, thundering and lightening following me everywhere I went. We became FB friends and had a few conversations about how excited were had a place on the upcoming 4 days’ facilitating group’  training.

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I was looking forward to being able to get the chance to work with someone not afraid to role play or laugh and bring a vibrant energy to the training.

A few weeks have passed, as time does, I’ve been doing my thing.

The doctors made complete balls up with my medication on Friday. They forgot to inform my pharmacy that there was a new script waiting to be collected with my medication change.

So, Pharmacy had not script. My partner and I spent hours ringing 111 ( which is a  bit like 999) but they tend to go through a series of questions to gauge if A&E is necessary.  A highly underrated and overlooked medical care service in the U.K.

They were fucking brilliant.

My local pharmacy stayed open until  11 pm to get a fax /phone call from an emergency out of hours doctor to sort out a script for the weekend to tide me over until next week.

Same day before I knew of the epic cock up with my medication. I came across a new innovative mental health on line community  #SickNotWeak. 

I sent them a message and explained about my blog and experiences with my own mental health. I was blown away  by the responding email I found in my in-box on Saturday morning.

He made me feel like I was some kind of super hero ( my thoughts wouldn’t allow me to accept the power within me. They suggested I still needed props)

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I’ve been  welcomed into this community. I’m officially going to be starting moderator training soon to help people struggling with Mental health and life  with a chat on-line support system . He has also expressed his interest  in me writing for TELL YOUR STORY CHRONICLES

Of course, I am over- whelmed- in a good way.  My path keeps getting brighter and brighter.

I woke up yesterday like I had had a collision with a heavy duty truck and survived with severe brain damage. This was with all connected with  the stress of  the medication  balls up caused me.  I read #SicknotWeak’s reply message (heartfelt, personal) , a lot of time went into writing it. I read this message and  those negativity  thoughts beamed around  my mind with precision like  lazors

I can’t do public speaking . I am shit and rubbish..I can’t do doing the anti stigma workshop with homestart on Monday.

How the hell can me?-who has so many ups and downs be able to help facilitate  groups and provide a supportive role  for people who are struggling, to feel safe to talk and just be in  group .

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I thought I had lot every last spark  in me. didn’t think  have it it me to go through the facilitating group, until

I logged into my FB account. A lady I  do not know messaged me and   asked my if I had spoken with the volunteer dude  recently. I was a bit wary so being me being my usual  blunt self, I asked her what she wanted.

What she wanted were answers. It was his aunt who got in contact with me. His mother is looking for answers. He passed away  date. 

Epiphany moment- laced with bitter sweetness.

I  got thinking.

Maybe

 if this dude – if he knew there was a place he could access on line and vent, may be he would still alive today.

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The anti stigma workshop I am helping with on Monday is to re reinforce the message that their organisation – the volunteers and staff are usually the first point of contact for vulnerable families. Their role is not ‘just’ a volunteer . They can be the one determining  factor that can help a family get help from the community.  Be it practical support or sign posting families to agencies that can help them, or to  having the heavy duty local authority/social services getting involved.

All the training I have done and will be doing ,is one step closer to helping me  be a part of  co- producing and co-facilitating a support group for people with eating disorders. – possibly even on-line.

Sometimes, it takes a tragedy of another to put into a brighter  perspective.

I  have my mental health and I have goals and purpose and skills.

I can use them.

I haven’t fallen so low I can’t pick myself back up.

It’s a funny thing is fate,

I believe we create our life experiences, I also think whatever path you choose, signs to lead you further down that path start to pop up-

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a bit like in ‘Alice adventures in wonderland’.

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THE CHESHIRE CAT

OR

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TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUM

OR

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THE SINGING FLOWER

OR

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THE MAD HATTER

OR,

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It might not make sense what these pop up signs and messages mean at the time but if their is a pull or an intuitive feeling that gets your gut instinct rumbling,   this  is usually a sign  there is something worth pursuing . It is up to us to make the wisest choics

Not easy but possible.

 Please, can I ask people to light a candle for  one’s who we have lost to illness here is a  link.

Samuel Templeman : Obituary Published in the Halifax Courier on 11th March 2016

I have my spark back, my passion. I know what I need to do and want to do and it al makes sense why I am doing all these things and meeting all these organisations and pushing myself to reach out .

Rest in Peace

Have a great Sunday

It’s date night in the Willow household.  child free zone! 😀

 

 

 

 

The ‘if you need a new perspective’ post

So, I ended 2015 in a state of stupefied drunk despair. Regretting every action I committed on New years eve. Just over one month has passed. I’ve kept far away from the alcohol. I had my dip with my Anorexia. February life has started to pick up where I left it in December. 

Waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care! 

I’m gaining my self-confidence back. My diary is filling up – idle hands all that jazz. The wedding is coming together. I’m am delighted and a tad ‘on edge’ at the same time. 

Positive people are gravitating toward me again. To say I have to peel myself from the roof is an understatement. Lionel Richie and me are busting out some moves on the ceiling. Oh yeah, baby. Has anyone ever seen him being interviewed? He is such a dick head! There is no way someone like him could write such beautiful songs. Who remembers ‘Ballerina girl’ ? Google him in an interview and then you will get it.

 

 I am doing my -co-production awareness training workshop on the 16/02. All of these workshops brings me closer to getting the Eating disorder recovery group up and running. As a person in active recovery from an Eating disorder, to be able to realise this and watch it germinate and blossom like a flower 😀 and be a huge part of the process off it-is like -not being God- no, I am not Kanye Wet ( Yes, I will keep that last spelling error) delusional.  It’s more self-validating. What I mean by that is, it shows I am on a good path. A well-lit path. Like this dude. There is light in my hands I am responsible for keeping that light going and I am in charge of where I end up. Does that make sense? 

 I’ve recently posted some seriously depressing posts and I will continue to share my past with you; but their needs to be some writing room to rollick in the present. I need to  feel the quiver of fluttering,

the beating of butterfly wings, reminding myself I am indeed alive and have purpose. I think my posts need a bit of balance. I don’t know if I am the only person -I suspect I  am not. I sometimes finish writing posts that send me lunging backwards to my past and I am reaching out for the Diazepam- I can have full-blown panic attack.

The cure?    ( Great band. wrong context- or is it?)

Stop writing Daisy. 

No! I won’t!

I have a purpose.

I am a human being.

 I have a story to tell.

A past, a me right now and a bright and vibrant future.

Without me trying to get all Disney ‘Lion King’ on you  (cue African music that makes the heart swell); I believe our lives and experiences are full circles. Sometimes you are at the top and then inevitably you need to go round that circle. Of course, there will be many times when you are at the bottom. I always say

‘Look for the silver lining’.

 

That is my way of saying: I and you will come full circle again (eventually) . We all will get to the top of that circle of life again. The only thing I can’t tell predict is how long it will take to come full circle.

I have this belief, that if I use my time at the bottom of the circle, productively and push ahead and not do too much damage interfering with the flow. Then, I won’t slow down the time scale it takes to get back to the top again. I need to learn the lesson, feel the pain or whatever happens but I must move on. Easy words to type. Harder to put in action. However, it is possible. 

Possible is all  I  need to hold onto and go and do great things.. 

To get off the whole philosophy bandwagon. My man and his rumbustious friends 😉 are coming round to ours for ‘SUPER BOWL 2016’ night. It is a tradition in our home. I don’t want to watch a bunch of dudes watching another bunch  of dudes ‘tackling’ and touching up one another. I DO want to know who is doing half time this year. 

I don’t know if anyone saw Katy Perry and her foam mascot sharks last year?  

PURE COMEDY GOLD

So here is to a fresh new week. (Great shit is happening. Everything is coming together, not at the pace or even exactly how I plan it to go, but that’s cool with me. Stuff is getting done! 

My mantra, I have used for a few months now is working. Mantras work!  Mine is:

‘I am a success in everything I do’ –

I’m fulfilling my thoughts- the ‘mini-like prayers’ that I tell myself. Find one that resonates with you. It works! I am the most analytical person I know – I wouldn’t lie to you .

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Time to buzz off and get reading some of your awesome blogs and thoughts. Word reader is a bit crap. I don’t ever get to see all the posts that I follow. I don’t know if anyone else has the same problem but I will read as many as I can. 

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Namaste, Soca, peace, light and love until next time.

the Life of living up to my Problem child label

The ultimate party girl. I was that girl who could drink bourbon all night and into the morning – all-day-long. Got any E’s or some Bolivian marching powder?  you were speaking my language. I never knew when to stop. It all started at the ripe old age of   12 years old. The rave scene was at its peak.  Drugs were strong  (not cut with loads of rat poisoning or other shit) and people hardly drank alcohol. We all loved one another and each other. You always found a friend at every underground Rave and every club you went to.

In my home town in South Africa, Saturday night was a party on the rooftops till 7 am, then it was time to hit ‘Church’ with more drugs and new best friends and do the blitz until you literally dropped or the drugs ran out.Then it was time to for a gentle come down, usually at the top of a hill,in a cemetery, with jaw-dropping views.  The Ganja would come out and the silence of being in nature would occasionally be interrupted by easy-going laughter and ‘campfire-like’ stories buzzing about.

Sounds awesome, right? Well,  it was for a bit…

Being an extremist  -no grey areas sort of ‘gal, it led me down a different path altogether. You see, I didn’t know it then but I was wanting to get mashed up properly because I hated me. I had no self -respect, no hope, no vision nor ambition. From a young age, I self-harmed. At 5 years old I already had eating issues.  Most people I have encountered in my life- bar the bastards and bitches (mind you even them at one point said something similar)  told me I was an all-rounder: smart, privileged, loved, beautiful, charismatic, vulnerable yet wilful.

Did I stop to take in all these compliments that my older self now craves for?

Hell no!

I kind of distanced myself away from my true friends. The ones I had known since I was 7 years old. I decided to take on other peoples judgements of what I thought they believed about me, and internalised that and began self-harming at a ferocious speed, I began to feel like the scapegoat and target for my supposed best friends jokes.

 Someone has to become the target, None of them was going to come forward willingly.  I went through a stage of overeating and when I started going the other way and stopped eating I obviously lost a lot of weight. Suddenly, guy friends were flirting with me and my girl-friends started berating me.  Eventually, I got pushed out of the clique for good -part self -blame and part snotty insecure teenage friends to blame.  I didn’t need their petty shit.

 I became a shaker and a roller. I did an impressive gamble with my life right up until my 30’s. I got hooked on Crack, Mandrax, Coke, Pills. being skinny, overdosing and cutting myself.  You name it. My friend circle became drug dealers,  hardcore- addicts and people I met whilst hitchhiking to go buy my drugs. Oh yeah, and asylum of perverted old men who tried to abuse/abused me or wanted to turn me into dollar/ pound signs, for their own gain of course.

 At the ‘mature’ age of 17 years old I didn’t exactly go willingly to live in France or the U.K.

Nobody and no-one could handle me. I was eking closer and closer into the dark tunnel- sans- bright white light and a myriad of angels. I couldn’t keep food down me. My bones ached from all the crap in the drugs that I smoked and took. I couldn’t face anyone except my drug dealers. I wouldn’t leave the house at all. My mood went up and down, I was put on to prescription pills. Doctors decided I was a head case and I gained a  bunch of labels -brand genes that I didn’t particularly want to wear.

When my Grandpa passed away from Cancer, I moved from France back to the U.K. and I calmed down a bit. I started working but people with ‘issues’ were drawn to me. I guess I aimlessly found what I was looking for. Was it a friend? a boyfriend? crazy and magical life experiences?  Oh, I had all those in the palm of the hand but the drugs and the self- starvation always gripped me first.

 I don’t think anyone ever thought I would not be a party girl until I had to rip the crown off my head and be-grudgingly let some other younger, prettier and more popular girls pick up from where I haggardly turned off and tuned out from that world completely.

 Some say that life is a destination  but I see my life as being more of a  journey and I can’t say I would change anything.  These days the road more travelled: is with my true self. I love myself, respect myself and I have learnt a lot about people, the world and myself. I am still learning and never want to stop.

I love what I do with my life now! 

 A daughter to look after? Never in a million years was I going to catch out until I did of course. I don’t regret my daughter.

Get married? oh please. I’m far too contrary and I have to do the opposite of what society expected of me. Some say I have ‘grown-up’. I hate this term. I prefer to say, I have released my true inner soul into the world and everything I now believe in and want is coming to me. I don’t have the same people drawn to me as when I was ‘the party girl of many seasons’. I’m calmer. I sometimes think I’m bloody boring to be honest but it’s cool.

I still get to dance to Rave music in my living room – it’s great music to exercise to. I still have my passion for a variety of music and although I missed my chance to become a professional street dancer. I have found another way to help fill the dream chalice. I want to travel more and make friends with people who want to be around me because of me, and not for what I can give them i.e. money when I have/had it or other superficial bullshit.

I have ‘broken through’ to the other side( maybe not in the way old Jim Morrison meant) but I have.

 – bit of a tune I just couldn’t resist putting in.

How did I do this? I hung up my glad rags and got ‘comfortable with being uncomfortable’ ( thanks Jillian Michaels for that quote) and I became the person I was probably born to be.  I do different things these days. I now get to read more, I have money to save up for my wedding and holidays. I like to do things like go to the cinema and ice skating and roller skating. Pubs bore me and so do drunk people  especially if I’m not. Except of course me, I am never bored of a drunk me. These days  I’m more of a punch-drunk character. I choose where  I roam and I find myself in much more worthy and rewarding places. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t turn  Dionysus away from my door all the time. I love a few cheeky cocktails! So he will need to leave his vino back at the grape vineyard.  I do have an addictive nature and I am on heavy medication, so I drink – as safely as possible. The initial euphoria is all I ever wanted from drink or drugs and that is all I want and need now. I know all about the chase and the chase ain’t for me any longer. I am thankful that I’m not even 34 years old yet and I’ve learned huge lessons. Now,  I have more ambition, respect, love and rather grand shit happening in my life.

I love the people who are in my life now. I love the people I connect with now. I also know they love me for me. Quirks and all.

I know we all go through shit and I am in no position to judge. Hell, if someone popped round to my house with some seriously good drugs I may be tempted to say -why not? I might not. I’m only fucking human… haha. The point being:  I would think about if I really wanted to take it or not. Weigh up the pros and cons not become a con so quickly. Such a bad pun -I’m taking it- it is mine. 

These days I’m a rebel in other ways -I still manage to piss people off with my liberal views and non-conformist attitude to life. I realise that part of me was really me all the time. I didn’t need drugs and booze to be different or alternative. I already am. I have walked away from that life with multiple labels(inherited or not)  and I’ve been through the bullshit. I still have to put up with bullshit. These days I tend to party in the light,  in a world of sunshine and with the wind blowing. It’s a fresh kind of life, a pure ongoing festival kind of life.  Easy and breezy and I’m content with it.