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Lynx Fur coat


My French Grandmother, who (at the time)  had the last stages of vascular Dementia lived in a different time to me.

Before my existence ,  a couple of generations  before mine, my Grandpa, bought a gift for my Grandma. I was told she had the coat made for her  in Vienna.

  I have a confession to make ,  I am so (so) ashamed.

It’s no ordinary coat,it has her initials engraved on the inside (lynx fur.I’ve seen Kate Moss wear  something similar).

For my 27th Birthday my Grandma gave me her coat. It didn’t fit her any more (& she loved me –of course).

I ignored my guilt,played the  ignorant person  when I wore it  ( in hypothermic temperatures in the U.K.) with  hesitant pride. It kept out the cold off my bones,it was soft and beautiful.

I own a lynx fur coat. (cue: Gasp, shock & horror).

Now before  you all judge me with sentiments such as:

“Burn it ,Daisy , burn it. Sell it or whatever.. Just get rid, girlfriend cos if you don’t,see this?  You and me? We are done. And I mean done .”

Try to  understand that this is something sentimental  (an heirloom) that my grandma gave me before she got ill and passed away from Vascular Dementia & Alzeihemers.

I live with this secret. Erm, not any longer….

I don’t wear it these days.

It makes me  feel like a hypocrite.

My Mom has  kept it.

She didn’t  want me to get rid of it while my grandma was still alive.

So, this is my shameful secret.

Last time  I looked at it, I put it on, and I felt like Hannibal.

Images of torture came to the forefront of my mind  of what happened to this animal.

How to end this post?

It’s not easy (or even affordable) to just switch over your whole lifestyle /ethics/family traditions etc.. to not eating or wearing anything that hasn’t had an animal involved in the process in some way.

The truth is

I frittered my wedding money away (a couple of years ago) working for a non animal tested and environmental friendly business that sold products from A-Z

I ended up buying most of the products (and it led to nada profit for me)

It was expensive.It cost me an income. It alleviated my consciousness.

I stopped eating sweets  (Haribos)because I knew that they had gelatin in them, and that derives from animal fat.

Who needs motivation for going on a diet?

(You now have one )

We can’t get it right all the time. .

 We can  become  more aware about where our consumables  come from, who suffers & power ourselves up with knowledge (as shocking and awful as it is).

I’m not saying be   ‘overzealous ‘,  however,the first step to fighting this massive topic of animal abuse in all its forms -is to become conscious & then to act.

Being conscious leads to decision making  and any action you do that comes from a good place in your heart or mind is a good start.

One final thought before I wrap this up.

I recall a time  I woke up to the salacious smell of   grilling bacon – thanks husband for the temptation.

I nearly threw up. The smell was rank.  He thought I was going all ‘Johnny Drama’ (Entourage) on him but, honestly it made me feel sick to the point I ran out of that kitchen.

I DON’T WANT TO EAT SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY JUST LIKE ME.

Mr Willows takes over the willows

with my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr. Willows – just kidding. Slightly…..

No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect. 

It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings  on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it? 

There is a lot I want to say  before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type  way too much for my liking.

We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people

-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .

I’m waffling. 

I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up.  I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour. 

I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly their best. 

Usually, the men I’ve chosen  have brought out the worst in me. ( they have issues just like me.)

For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.

I’m not making excuses for those men.

“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley

 

I have a man who has shown me what it feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness. 

Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.

I’m uber emotional. 

I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling  from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter) 

I’m at a loss for words.

So this Mr Willows

 

Introduction

This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness called Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.

15th May 2017

Weight: 89.7KG

10:15: It has been a struggle this morning. It is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and I used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.

10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chafe when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.

20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach aches so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.

22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get a better night’s sleep tonight   

16th May

11:34: I feel very shaky today, almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have started to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge. I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue for too long.

17th May

9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.

So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have led a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps suppress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.   

MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.

 

okay……..

I’m off.

Dealing with life 😀



Living up to my G.O.A.T.

The ultimate party girl. I was that girl who could drink bourbon all night and into the morning – all-day-long. Got any E’s or some Bolivian marching powder?  you were speaking my language. I never knew when to stop. It all started at the ripe old age of   12 years old. The rave scene was at its peak.  Drugs were strong  (not cut with loads of rat poisoning or other shit) and people hardly drank alcohol. We all loved one another and each other. You always found a friend at every underground Rave and every club you went to.

In my home town in South Africa, Saturday night was a party on the rooftops till 7 am, then it was time to hit ‘Church’ with more drugs and new best friends and do the blitz until you literally dropped or the drugs ran out.Then it was time to for a gentle come down, usually at the top of a hill,in a cemetery, with jaw-dropping views.  The Ganja would come out and the silence of being in nature would occasionally be interrupted by easy-going laughter and ‘campfire-like’ stories buzzing about.

Sounds awesome, right? Well,  it was for a bit…

Being an extremist  -no grey areas sort of ‘gal, it led me down a different path altogether. You see, I didn’t know it then but I wanted to get mashed up properly because I hated myself . I had no self -respect, no hope, no vision nor ambition. From a young age, I self-harmed. At 5 years old I already had eating issues.  Most people I have encountered in my life- bar the bastards and bitches (mind you even them at one point said something similar)  told me I was an all-rounder: smart, privileged, loved, beautiful, charismatic, vulnerable yet wilful.

Did I stop to take in all these compliments that my older self now craves for?

Hell no!

I kind of distanced myself away from my true friends. The ones I had known since I was 7 years old. I decided to take on other people’s judgements of what I thought they believed about me, and internalised that and began self-harming at a ferocious speed, I began to feel like the scapegoat and target for my supposed best friends jokes.

 Someone has to become the target, None of them was going to come forward willingly.  I went through a stage of overeating and when I started going the other way and stopped eating I obviously lost a lot of weight. Suddenly, guy friends were flirting with me and my girl-friends started berating me.  Eventually, I got pushed out of the clique for good -part self -blame and part snotty insecure teenage friends to blame.  I didn’t need their petty shit.

 I became a shaker and a roller. I did an impressive gamble with my life right up until my 30’s. I got hooked on Crack, Mandrax, Coke, and Pills. being skinny, overdosing and cutting myself.  You name it. My friend circle became drug dealers,  hardcore- addicts and people I met whilst hitchhiking to go buy my drugs. Oh yeah, an asylum of perverted old men who tried to abuse me or wanted to turn me into dollar/ pound signs, for their own gain of course.

 At the ‘mature’ age of 17 years old I didn’t exactly go willingly to live in France or the U.K.

Nobody and no-one could handle me. I was etching closer and closer into the dark tunnel- sans- bright white light and a myriad of angels. I couldn’t keep the food down. My bones ached from all the crap in the drugs that I smoked and took. I couldn’t face anyone except my drug dealers. I wouldn’t leave the house at all. My mood went up and down, I was put on prescription pills. Doctors decided I was a head case and I gained a  bunch of labels -brand genes that I didn’t particularly want to wear.

When my Grandpa passed away from cancer, I moved from France back to the U.K. and I calmed down a bit. I started working but people with ‘issues’ were drawn to me. I guess I aimlessly found what I was looking for. Was it a friend? a boyfriend? crazy and magical life experiences?  Oh, I had all those in the palm of my hand but the drugs and the self- starvation always gripped me first.

 I don’t think anyone ever thought I would not be a party girl until I had to rip the crown off my head and begrudgingly let some other younger, prettier and more popular girls pick up from where I haggardly turned off and tuned out from that world completely.

 Some say that life is a destination  but I see my life as being more of a  journey and I can’t say I would change anything.  These days the road more travelled: is with my true self. I love myself, respect myself and I have learnt a lot about people, the world and myself. I am still learning and never want to stop.

I love what I do with my life now! 

 A daughter to look after? Never in a million years was I going to catch out until I did of course. I don’t regret my daughter.

Get married? oh please. I’m far too contrary and I have to do the opposite of what society expected of me. Some say I have ‘grown-up’. I hate this term. I prefer to say, I have released my true inner soul into the world and everything I now believe in and want is coming to me. I don’t have the same people drawn to me as when I was ‘the party girl of many seasons’. I’m calmer. I sometimes think I’m bloody boring to be honest but it’s cool.

I still get to dance to Rave music in my living room – it’s great music to exercise to. I still have my passion for a variety of music and although I missed my chance to become a professional street dancer. I have found another way to help fill the dream chalice. I want to travel more and make friends with people who want to be around me because of me, and not for what I can give them i.e. money when I have/had it or other superficial bullshit.

I have ‘broken through’ to the other side( maybe not in the way old Jim Morrison meant) but I have.

 – bit of a tune I just couldn’t resist putting in.

How did I do this? I hung up my glad rags and got ‘comfortable with being uncomfortable’ ( thanks Jillian Michaels for that quote) and I became the person I was probably born to be.  I do different things these days. I now get to read more, I have money to save up for my wedding and holidays. I like to do things like go to the cinema and ice skating and roller skating. Pubs bore me and so do drunk people  especially if I’m not. Except of course me, I am never bored of a drunk me. These days  I’m more of a punch-drunk character. I choose where  I roam and I find myself in much more worthy and rewarding places. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t turn  Dionysus away from my door all the time. I love a few cheeky cocktails! So he will need to leave his vino back at the grape vineyard.  I do have an addictive nature and I am on heavy medication, so I drink – as safely as possible. The initial euphoria is all I ever wanted from drink or drugs and that is all I want and need now. I know all about the chase and the chase ain’t for me any longer. I am thankful that I’m not even 34 years old yet and I’ve learned huge lessons. Now,  I have more ambition, respect, love and rather grand shit happening in my life.

I love the people who are in my life now. I love the people I connect with now. I also know they love me for me. Quirks and all.

I know we all go through shit and I am in no position to judge. Hell, if someone popped round to my house with some seriously good drugs I may be tempted to say -why not? I might not. I’m only fucking human… haha. The point being:  I would think about if I really wanted to take it or not. Weigh up the pros and cons and not become a con so quickly. Such a bad pun -I’m taking it- it is mine. 

These days I’m a rebel in other ways -I still manage to piss people off with my liberal views and non-conformist attitude to life. I realise that part of me was really me all the time. I didn’t need drugs and booze to be different or alternative. I already am. I have walked away from that life with multiple labels(inherited or not)  and I’ve been through the bullshit. I still have to put up with bullshit. These days I tend to party in the light,  in a world of sunshine and with the wind blowing. It’s a fresh kind of life, a pure ongoing festival kind of life.  Easy and breezy and I’m content with it.

  



Dreams can come true

Dreams are a subject that always confuses me. Why? It frustrates me that sometimes I can go for months (even years) without remembering any dreams. Then all of sudden they renegade me with one or two per night.

What is the first dream I remember? When I was 5 years old I had this recurring dream that my Mom got eaten by a shark and I was trying to save her. I remember my Aunt lifting me out of the water telling me that she couldn’t be saved. This dream was on a loop for some time. At the time life was stressful for us -moving around a lot, So, I could put the dream down to stress

OR

I could blame my cousin. Why?

Well, one-night my mom went out and he was designated babysitter. He had some girl with him and the movie ‘Jaws’ had just come out on videotape. I didn’t want to watch it but he forced me to. He was a bit of a jerk.  He used to call me peanut head!  I do find that rather amusing.

I don’t know how successful he was with his date that night but I’m hoping Karma had her wicked way with him and left him with blue balls- sorry cuz!

So, back to dreams.  Dreams for me conjure up vivid emotions and feelings rather than rely on visual details. My feelings and how I react in the dreams are always the strongest part of my dream that I remember.  My latest dream I was torn between feeling secure and loved to being insecure and doubtful. In the dream, my hubby-to-be was having secret conversations with a woman he knew (in the context of the dream). I decided to confront the two – This girl was trying to convince me that my hubby was in fact in love with her and always would be. My other half was quiet when she spoke but in private he told me little except she was wrong and to trust him. The dream went back and forth between feeling betrayed and thinking the girl was telling some truth. My husband showed me a piece of torn paper and he said that she was trying to blackmail him but those feelings of insecurity would not pass.

The night before that I dreamt about my Mom. She was showing me her new wool jersey dress. she goaded me telling me to stop being so jealous and that she too was entitled to happiness. I wasn’t aware of my supposed jealous emotions until she changed tactics and told me she had that exact dress but a used one. Her dress was new and never been washed with the label intact. She invited me to try her new dress on. I kept on declining and then just to shut her up I conceded and tried on the dress. I put it on. Jiggled it on more like. I felt the tightness around my waist and then went into super panic mode when I couldn’t get it off. Mom was screaming at me to not stretch or ruin her dress.

How does this dream fit into the context of my everyday consciousness? I have been worried that I’ve put on weight around my middle and I have a wedding dress that I bought in 2014 for a knock off price that fits me like a glove. No room for breathing much. I need a straw to breathe out my nose  to be honest. That is why I have been killing myself with Jillian Michaels workouts. This lady is nuts=a beaster. Every time I finish doing her workout I swear to myself I will NOT  put myself through so much pain again. Today I’m contemplating doing another session. INSANITY! All this in an effort to look like a dream-like toned wedding bride belle for 22/06/2016.

The best dreams and most intense dreams were when I was a child. I loved flying dreams. It was so real. I could feel myself soaring through the sky – grazing over pine cone trees. I was energised, fast and it was like being on some crazy high with more than mild disappointment when I woke up. I still crave those dreams like a crack addict chasing that first hit of blood vessel dilation and a 47 second rush of blood brethren to the head . Falling dreams were intense, remember those?  I remember free falling unboundedly from a great height. With a seemingly frog-like croak,  I could feel my heart leap up into my throat. I was going to flounder and land and smudge the ground with a body made of lead.  It was going to happen. The only thing that stopped that dream was I woke up.

Did I hit the ground jolting me back to consciousness? I don’t know but it was intense and an adrenaline rush. Terrifying but one I would invite back.

The craziest dreams I’ve had are the ones I swear I have been awake. One dream was when I was about 10 years old – in my bedroom, we kept the washing machine there. One night I woke up to the washing machine churning furiously. It wanted my attention. It was spinning around so fast I thought it would take off. I was paralysed. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream. I’ve had a few of these kinds of dreams in my life and they do genuinely scare me because my eyes are open and I am awake!

Sex dreams are a bit embarrassing, right?  erm…. won’t 

go into that one unless asked – Hahaha.

Anothe

r dream I had aeons ago as I heard the phone ringing. I was too lazy to pick it up. It rang and rang and rang. Eventually, I picked up the receiver and I woke up with my hand stretched up and out as if to hold a phone.  Strange surreal shit.

So does anybody else have any dreams they want to share? I have an odd feeling that pouring my sub- unconscious self onto E-paper will start a cycle of more dreams. Wish me luck.

No more sex 

dream

s, please! I feel like converting to catholicism when I have one. Do you want to have a go analysing your dreams?





Justify

Why do I justify myself to others if I’m not working in a full paid life capacity?


Why do I justify myself to others if I’m not working in a full paid life capacity?

It’s not like we’re still living in a Victorian era where I need to prove I’ve achieved my full belt in chastity.

I’m not kept nor groomed.

I’m a woman of the age of independence. When I hold my breath I think of the oceans of ambition, filling me to a combustion ends- infallibility.

Self justification.

Words to sell the people who haven’t walked a second in my shoes.

Self justification who’s never seen a man who sold ice creams on a beach with his bare arms.

No feet.

No feat.

He wouldn’t allow the cha cha dance of life to let him be the one who gave in to defeat.

Even when the sun, it melted into his ebony skin-a parched man not bitter .

Even when children mocked him with no adult to inform them they were creating a culture where we judge people by being born in breach.

These words are going nowhere unless I tell people I’m a winner regardless of the mind state – an alternative view they may one day wish to seek.

Their unbeknownst ignorance of those mountains I’ve so far climbed to be deemed fit in a society increasingly lacking in human empathy just to stay in view

To remain an arm within terre ferme reach

These are my words. This is what I wish to impart. I refuse to give up until my soul recoils from my body,

Honours it’s vow –till death do us part.

If you taunt me I’ve learned

Not to teach nor preach.

Life’s a beach.

I’m a woman of the world with nothing but reach.

Does this sound preachy ?

😉😅🤣🙄.

Opium Boy

 


Ghosts floating through the mansion of my mind. It may sound like a great thing to own a mansion as a mind.

I can tell you. It is a place that never sees sunshine, there is dust everywhere, the piano remains out of tune. Every room has something magnificent  to find

Dresses in one, jewels in the other, mothers little helpers, pills scattered everywhere.

There is  always a ghost on standby ready to haunt me.. It’s like an old familiar melody.

I find no pleasure in any of these rooms. There are too many rooms, not enough signs and I am always losing myself in it.

Instead of running from my mind. I sit in the creaking rocking chair. Legs splayed,opening myself up to become possessed by anything .

They sit down on my favourite grey chaise longue and puff cigars that smell of lavender and twirl full bodied wine glasses filled  with  a deep maroon Beaujolais or à châteauneuf de pap.

I seem unable to move. I can’t move. If I could just ask them to leave .

One places a daisy chain on my head and tops up my glass of southern comfort. I’m sure I have stopped drinking. They know this as well as I do.

The irony is they are trying to make me live again. Drink if you must- anything to live, they urge….

This is their home. How can I cast them out?

They drain me, yes it is true, but they have been a part of my life, guarding me  when I was still  growing in my mothers womb.

I let them stay,

“SIT DOWN”., I say

Foreplay remnants stain the sheets on the various four poster beds. There is a new guy in town.

Has a bit of an opium habit. He hides away from everyone ,including me.

I have become desperate in my misery,

I seek him out .He won’t show himself.

I beg him to show me how. He can write the directions on a paper……

I think he cares. He doesn’t want me to go that far down.

 I think if I am so far down  the dragon’s pit;chasing ,what is a few more inches to the bottom?

Isn’t the bottom or top better than half way neither up or down?

I think he hid the ouija board too. He doesn’t want to be summoned because my will will break his……

In all honesty I think they all  want the best for me. Oh of course they have their own agenda’s too.

They know how down I am but they need to go on outings too. They get bored so I  get to be their cruise liner- my eyes are  their oval windows ,to peer out of, their   mode of transport, that shows them life still carries on  even if they can’t be an active  part of it.. ..

They called me a party pooper today. Sounds a bit lame.

They held a special party for me.

My least favourite party of all times- they all congregated in my drawing  room whistling and pulling crackers and the incessant chatter nearly drove me out of the house.

Usually, the louder they are the quicker I try to escape – This time they lucked out. They will not help me find Opium boy.

I only want to escape with him.

I will continue to follow his musky scent until another scent sends my pulse quickening.

Another ghost starts to ask:

“Why do you want to be dead when your heart still beats?”

“Oh fuck off and cross over – you can live in my mansion of a mind but I will not be questioned – my mind my rules.”  I reply

If I  had gone would I have lost the scent of Opium boy?

Would I have cared?

Usually when I chase a boy that needs saving , I get into trouble….

Carnival Freaksbut they’re my freaks

‘Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.’ –Janis Joplin

Got to live up to my reputation for being brutally honest, right? I feel so low. I know I post mostly positive posts and come across as having my shit together. I do, most of the time. I can’t pretend that in a couple of months, something has shifted in me. It’s been big enough to derail me – the crustal plates in my mind and body have moved too much and too soon. I have to lean on something to stop me from falling, falling to where? and on what?   What if I just fall and never stop.  How does it feel? I sit back. It’s gnarled at my insides. I have to remind myself to pull the carbon monoxide out with each breath. 

Why now? I have so much to live for, to be happy for. Is this the nature of mental illness? My inner Iago is a great trickster -it can make the most amazing opportunities, experiences that are going to happen or are happening seem like a mirage. It loves to betray me. It loves to jinx me. It loves to beat me. I know it is him but he is good at hiding.

 He is sly and duped my lazy /starved neurotransmitters into believing that they can’t take one tiny step over, from one synapse to another.

 COURAGE YOU IDIOTS!

Man up! I’m on enough pills. I should be a billion dollar comedian with all the serotonin and dopamine whizzing round my brain.

I had a full-blown panic attack this morning. I had to ask G to come upstairs and hold me. This has worked before. I then got up and cleaned up and hit the gym. That helped but it came back with reinforcements. So , picture me mentally rummaging around my wellness toolbox to find the right tool to smooth over the grave bits. The ones that live between my ribs – that defy gravity…

It’s not my heart racing, it’s that space high up in the middle of my first four ribs. It’s like every breath I take is halved- stolen. I have the need to break free, to implode- no, explode from this human body of mine and let the energy disperse. It won’t leave willingly. I need to pick up my sharpest knife , slice myself open and let all the carnival loose.

The freaks can’t stay. I want to accept them but they repulse me. I am scared that if they stay within me, I may become them and I will feel this way forever.

I’m just typing. Loads of errors. I’m hoping I can write myself out of a panic attack. Nothing else seems to have worked.. I am trying to take the least amount of medication as possible. 

I’m due to have a Skype call with a lady who will be making my jewelled bouquets in 20 minutes. I need to send the freaks on errands 

Legless man,go and find a pair.

Fortune teller – read up on everyone’s star signs- dust off your glass ball. Go find some mystery somewhere else.

Obese lady- waddle down the lane and get some organic shit down your pipe hole- and make sure you stop by the pastry shop. Hopefully, you will be too full to waddle back 

Claw hand man – practice jerking off and walking sideways – right, no just a bit more to the right, oops, sorry! I didn’t see the cliff. 

ALL OF YOU – I MEAN EVERYONE. VACATE. THE CARNIVAL HAS SHUT DOWN. 

 They beg me. They have nowhere else to go. Pleading, I can’t turn my eyes away from them despite their defects. I look at them. How can I leave them stranded with nobody to want them and nowhere to go? 

So I write. I tell them I need to cool off. I need them to just go and find something to do and they can come back once I’ve had time to be alone. Once I find peace. Once I can breathe again. I could never make them homeless.

They are freaks. Yes, they scare me but they are my freaks. Sometimes they listen to me and respect me. Let me feel a bit of peace. They come back quieter now and get on with preparing for the next show. I just need to reign them in every now and then.

It’s going to be alright. The order has been restored. I write to live- I write for peace.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am …

I am…

and that is good enough.



Happiness: How to Let Go

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, yesterday. I was too busy posting about my cat’ Tatiana. I am just a tad happy at the moment. Right, this minute she is sleeping under the quilt with me. Epic moment -which will make more sense if you read the post about my Tatiana. Feel free to read and of course not read (I am merely updating my fellow cat lovers).  Owned 100%. Enough about me. Let’s get on with sharing how you can drum up some happiness of your own: in your own life.. 

 Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of posts and speaking to a few special people in my life. People who can’t seem to ‘sweat the small stuff’ out. Stop the ‘little thing’ thought’ critters from holding you back and moving on with your life. I’m guilty of it too.

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Let go of your grudges/fears/doubt and heartache 

TRADITION: Loy Krathon ( Lantern festival)  – I  am aware in countries like the U.K. laws are trying to be passed in  regards to using  lanterns CLIMATE ACTIVISTS CLICK ON LINK HERE FOR SAFE WAYS TO USE LANTERNS

DATE: Usually November – whenever the 12th full moon is according to the Thai lunar calendar

CELEBRATED IN: Thailand

Many of us (me included) sometimes tend to speak before engaging the brain and really think about what we are saying to some-one. I’m learning that by being rather blunt at times. Hurts. There are other ways to tell the truth without leaving a person feeling a bit crap and thinking less of themselves and stop people thinking that others now think less of them.   Most of us mean well and do not go out of our way to be malicious. 

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Shutting up and ruminating over unhelpful thoughts, creates so much pressure in your brain; that it can leave little room/space in our minds for anything else to help challenge these negative thoughts. Keeping everything inside means all these thoughts accumulate and have nowhere else to go. This can be a major trigger for off- setting Anxiety.

I’m sure that whoever is reading this will possibly know about the Thai tradition of symbolically letting go of all negativity (anxiety and worries)by lighting lanterns. Thousands of them drift up into the sky, creating a cosy golden glow effect. The simple act of doing and of seeing all these lanterns fly away and disappear-  can create a compelling and magnificent sight.

So, I am only assuming here, you have probably heard this way of getting out negative thoughts from your mind before. What is that? Well, how can you create this same kind of act of ‘letting go’ wherever you are in the world? You may not be in Thailand and it is only February.

Write every unwanted thought down on paper or whatever you wish ( in this example paper is a good medium) .

Make sure each irritating thought is on separate pieces of paper.

Allow yourself a moment to reflect on each written thought

Then scrunch up the paper into a ball 

Then throw it into you bin/ wastebasket -the point is wherever you throw your junk

The not so climate ethical  alternative is to go outside and for a few moments release your inner arsonist- that little ‘firebug’ comes out and burns each paper – one by one. This is a more gradual and meditative way to release all those burdensome worries and anxieties.  Make sure you lock away your inner pyromaniac, before entering the house and make sure the fire is out! 😀

I remember a person told me of a really powerful mind exercise to do : Put each thought in a cloud and watch it float away and then watch it fly away and imagine it bursting and dissipating into the atmosphere far away from your mind.

The message is simple: It is not how you do it- you may come up with your own epic way to let all the crap go. The most important part you need to take away with you from this post. DO IT! Don’t put it off. 

HAPPINESS :Do you know where you are going?

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Verbalise in words exactly what is is you want

TRADITION: Shinto ema (consecrated/dedicated vow plaques)

DATE: Any -time

TRADITION: Japan

Who wants to be happy? I do. That is why I created my ‘Global happiness’ page and I know I am not alone. We all want to be happy. What does happiness mean to you? Happiness is not permanent and is rather fleeting – episodic. I know that money can make me happy for a bit. I mean I don’t need loads of it but in our world to have a bit of money helps. What about things like being good at your job? Being in an awesome relationship?

Here is the plain fact, if you are unable to define what makes you happy-then you are going to find it rather exhausting to find it. Through-out Japan dotted about are what are called Shinto temples ( which are kind of like shrines –Shinsha means ‘place of Gods’.

For a few hundred yen, people write down their wishes, wants and what they hope for, they decorate these plaques, or ’ema’s’ as they are officially called, with  images -a popular one being a horse

In a fascinating article about connections with the rest of Asia, Mark Riddle looks at the subject through the lens of the Indo-European cult of the sacred horse. He identifies the principal features as follows: Horses were sacred symbols which were associated with a fertility cult and with rain. A white horse symbolised the sun and was often used in ritual sacrifice. Horses were also associated with death and funeral symbolism.

If one thinks of Mongol warriors, then clearly the horse was a vehicle of power that enabled its rider to dispense death and destruction over wide areas. It was quite literally a seat of authority. To a lowly peasant, the fast moving creature must have seemed imbued with an air of divine power. It’s but a short step to imagine the horses descending with their godlike riders from heaven. Something of this clearly entered Japan at a time when Shinto was still in the process of formation

People ask for a number of things. They are very specific in asking and writing down what they want, so it can be

To get a new car

get a job that a person wants

It could be to want someone who is going through a bad time to change it into a good outcome.

Each plaque or ’ema’ hung up , adorning the temple for the Kami of the Gods to read ( a loose interpretation)

I know that for myself that when I don’t know where I am headed in life -life can almost feel paralysing. Questions like what am I doing here? What must I do with my life? can drag you further and further away from happiness. In my own life I have gravitated to drugs and to becoming so unwell mentally because I didn’t know what would make me happy. I had a bow and arrow (tools) but I was aimless. I didn’t know what or where to aim to achieve a sense of happiness.

The ema plaques can easily be adapted to the western way by writing a wish list.

Where do I begin? you ask.

Go deeply into your mind and think how you want your life to look.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE?

I want to be at peace with my body, I want to move away from my current home and work in the mental health sector – specifically I want to be employed by a mental health charity to help support people who are struggling with their mental health and I want to be a part of eradicating the stigma attached to mental illness. This is why I volunteer with mental health charities. It is why I put so much effort into going to every meeting, to do any workshops and training to achieve my goal at what I think will make me happy.

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WHAT EXPERIENCES DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?

I want my wedding day to be a happy experience, I want to experience being pregnant in the relationship I have now. I want to have another child and have a chance to embrace motherhood in a way I couldn’t imagine when I was pregnant with my daughter. I want to move away from living in a council home and be able to afford to live in a bigger home -a family home that is decorated to my tastes. I want to get out more. I want to go visit my family in South Africa and Miami.

 

WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU WANT TO BE?

I want to be a person that is easy to talk to, someone who sees the silver lining in every situation no matter how bad the circumstances. I want it to inspire people that life is liveable and happiness is within their grasp. When people see me I want them to be glad to see me. I want to be a person who laughs a lot, is affectionate. I want to be the person who feels the fear but goes with it. I want to not be caught up in how I look all the time. I want to be emotionally secure and to let go of the past completely. I want to be spontaneous and go out and see more of the world. I want to be a person who people find comforting. I want to be a person that is successful in my career, being a Mom, wife, daughter, grand daughter. I want to be a person who has more friends. I want to be that person who is always psyched up to be healthy and active.

 

WHO DO YOU WANT TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH?

My family- my partner, my daughter and other children I hope have, my Mom, my cousins, my Dad and sister and step Mom, my Nan, my uncles and my friends old and new. I want to be a part of people’s lives who are in recovery or trying to become mentally well. I want to work well with work colleagues.

 

 

All you need to do is what I have done. Write it or type it! Do it! Aim that bow in some direction -a direction you want it to go in.

The  message is this: by expressing your inner desires in a more crystallised form -something you can see down on paper or in front of you ; the more likely you will know in which direction you want to go.  You will have goals and these will be your own set of landmarks on your journey to be happy in life.

 



Sabali wabi sabi

SABALI WABISABI

Does it need to be said

Because the Media makes you think your makeup is inappropriate?

If you are horrified to ask Google for mental health support

You know I’m here to tell it — (once )’for a cause not for an applause’

To avoid the pariah of your mind.

Who you are is important for your wellbeing

Beautiful you are because of your malaise.

It’s about what you think.

A unique template for peace of mind.

Alone-thoughts are you,

And yours together.

Others’ opinions must dance alone with their shadows.

Fathoming the world is relative to your state

Your kind.

Diagrams and graphic diagnostics aren’t “normal”!

Natural ?!

Necessary?

Merely for inferences and academic utterances.

Your Beauty is personified by playful events racing around your head.

Love it like you love…

…another human

Beings

Those who have numbers and words yet can’t calculate when there’s enough unsaid.

Needs are experiences.

Feelings are needed…

Interpret the world through the vessel of your spirited Self.

When skies hang drab

Do you dazzle because you can see a scattered horizon of hope — as a possibility ?

When the Others tether connections

Tumble into an abyss —

Can you see their limits ?

Step back.

Allow them to be.

Is your world subject to scrutiny because of how you interpret human nature?

Do you deviate from society’s accusations of what is the trending status quo?

What if the box you live in is… outside?

What if you build a bridge

Bearing a cross

Over to acceptable taboos ?

Breath prescribed by an arched smile.

Diagnose yourself Beautiful- because of your laments.

Before time becomes an absolute Obsession

Forecasting the outcome to the finale to the play of ‘This is your Life’.

Take moments to repose.

Free yourself from the expectation

To be your career

To win over the Marvel comic genderless hero.

Deprecate your expectations to finance your inner Happiness resources.

This entity is inside your realm of Consciousness — restless

Trodden and stamped into a standing pose.

Moments of reflection pace

Forwards then backwards

Misunderstood

Are you what you want to be?

Can you begin a journey if you don’t understand where you are?

Certainly living up to some other lifer’s calculation should

Pause your being into a statuesque introspection.

To dismiss your guttural instincts will unravel you at the seams— out-thread you out of your very own mind.

Success comes from mapping out your own directions.

Hopeful-to wake up to another day of understanding ‘This is your Life’.

Your ability to comprehend, foreshadows your failed attempts to claw out of the darkest pit.

Sounds of the ocean lap to your melody.

Nothing that you feel about Today

Can conceive the trembling murmurs cut off from the guillotine of your Sanity.

In all of your figurements…are you determined to act out your suicides because you fear your inability to state your arousel ?

Who you are

Is that wrong?

Thoughts preempt if everything is filled in with Leftism.

Resist apologising

Dismiss you have the good view

Change your world

Thoughtfully

Refuse everything

That threatens your Passions —

That provokes beta beatings whistling out of tune.

Precious notions find a sense of disambiguation before the matter resolves itself.

Do you tell others to respond to what you fail to question?

Where is the perversity in watching the death of your inner Flinch — to conclude this delusion ?

What if you won’t be the canvas that contains an abstract spectrum fading you out of your very own Self ?

Look on at those who shrink into their frames bled of every shade of hues

Is this what you want?