Blog Archives

These are my words

I rise

I rise because I now see I am strong

I weep for the girl who once believed I was wrong,

Because others didn’t understand I was born with this face

It’s not because of my race.

I don’t have William fish syndrome.

I’m a woman with a heart as vast as the seven seas

The cost of investing in wasting time on vapid entities,

Taught me a lesson

Taught me how to rise up session after session.

I rise because I know I get it wrong, I admit!

I no longer weep for the girl I once was

For if it were the devil’s tears that once made me smile
Temporarily,

Now I know I am a woman who seeks to live a life more worthwhile.

WRAP_ When things are at breaking point

Okay, so if you have been creating your WRAP  from week one. YAY! what a journey it has been, hasn’t it? And for those who haven’t you can always CLICK ON THIS LINK and see how you too can start your very own Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP).

Here is a clip describing a bit of week 10 When things are breaking down

Week 10  -down. WOW! two weeks and my three-month’ gift’ is coming to an end. I will save my personal thoughts and other group members thoughts on WRAP in week 12. I just want to point out that I did not think I would get much out of this but I can promise you I have learned so much about myself, how I tick, what helps me, what doesn’t help me and loads of empowering self-help techniques. WRAP is free. It was given to me as a ‘gift’ and I give it to you as a ‘gift’. No extras. No-fuss!

This weeks session focused on when you have ignored or not seen the trigger or Early warning signs and you can feel yourself slipping into meltdown, the plan to get that job is not going as it should, there have been delays in moving to where you are moving too. Your relationship is at breaking point, you can find no relief for your chronic pain if you have MS or Cancer even, but there is still a chance that you can pull yourself back and re-own your yourself.

Here is my breakdown list of signs and symptoms I feel when I start to feel like everything has turned to jelly. The stability is just that little bit further out of reach.  My list is very focused on Eating disorders because this is where my mind is at but I am fighting to regain my control. It is my responsibility to stay well. I can do this with WRAP.

WHEN THINGS ARE BREAKING DOWN

  • weigh myself obsessively
  • take more photographs of myself to compare them to what I think I see in the mirror
  • My perception of my body is split and fractured. I am unable to focus on my body as a whole entity
  • Panic attacks
  • Don’t want to or I am feel unable to communicate
  • Seriously thinking or actively starting to cut down on fluids and food intake
  • I refuse to try on clothes that I didn’t wear when I was at a body weight I deemed acceptable
  •  I will push myself to go 24 hours 7 until I collapse
  • I don’t want to g out
  • I want to or stop taking my medication to get my Bipolar highs
  • withhold love and affection -I don’t feel worthy of the two.
  • Lose my sense of humour
  • all seems doom and gloom
  • feel that everyone hates me or has a problem with me
  • Using degrading language on myself eg. I’m fat, I’m stupid. -all un helpful thoughts and mantras
  • I feel I am an empty vessel -no personality a loss of identity
  • I’m selfish and refuse or can’t look at the world around me and what is happening outside of my illness
  • I think about escaping- or over dosing on my prescription medication or act on it
  • Short tempered
  • Angry at myself
  • Depressed
  • Anxious
  • It becomes harder to look after myself. It becomes harder to look after my daughter
  • Sleep for days at a time or not sleep for days at a time
  • buy exercise energy enhanced pills on line
  •  over exercise for over three hours with no breaks
  • Indecisive- small choices are hard to make
  • feel disconnected to reality. I can reinforce this buy not wearing my glasses or contact lenses.
  • Spend less time with my daughter. I don’t want her to pick up on my emotions and for her to see me in a ‘weak’ role

That is my list. It is a tough list to do but if you are thorough and honest with yourself then we can take all these symptoms and experiences and start an Action Plan. All is not lost but it feels pretty close to lost.

You need to start brainstorming what you can or will try to do to get you back on an even keel. 

Create an Action plan 

Mine is:

call my C.P.N.  or my psychiatrist

Speak to someone I can trust- use my circle of protection. I have a select group of people I have entrusted into my personal space to help me when I I feel like things are breaking down

I can  look at my maintenance tools from week two and three and try see if I can reign things in a bit

look at the different uniqueness I have learned eg. the art of moment therapy, mindfulness, take my thoughts to caught, wise mind 

( you can always add more to your list as and when something you think will help you stay away from completely  breaking down.

 

That’s it for this week.

Be kind to yourself .Give yourself an affirmation to say for the week, do something for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hermit hymn

*To be revised*

 

I write about the hermit man

He often takes me by the hand.

Lost to gravity a  fan falls

The same one I use to navigate the wind.

 

Pushed me forwards never touching my body.

Motivated a will to resurrect forgotten seeds of hope

Planted for days when there are more downs than ups.

 

This son of a mother pulled out the brazen sun – shed the waning Luna

Roused the Apollo within

  stumbled about -gaze upwards  until

 in sight caught winged creatures

Caught a glimpse of the emotion of flying free.

 

The knowledge found  in a bare, withered  tree

Stem cell life.

 Presumed  the creature lived in my shadow

Turns out  it  had a growth spurt in

An external effort to shirk off the title of the saviour’s chosen one.

He who wears the hallow

Crucified by the unsynchronised dubbed over mouths

Pitched sounds out a  smoke effect bellow.

Can I get a score?

 

Few get to see his fallen wings

Unless preparation  sees an alternative

look to familiar skin.

 

That ole devil called love

Billie holiday thanks for the speckled dove.

 

Highs & lows

hi’s and by’es

 

High light

 at what remains

A pint of Bitter froth decomposed lost in the train of thoughts.

How the sun shine when it comes out.

blossom in spite of mood.

 

Life

you

I

we

Aren’t  vapid merely  short-sighted when  grey-bearded clouds appear

stubbled by  the  5 o clock shadow

 

Stunted by  growth paradigm

tuned into that dark cosmos we know is responsible for feeling so dim.

A connection to a  reflection of original purity to contrast moments we believe we don’t deserve to move forward.

Clandestine cloaks conceal our original sin.

 

This ongoing duet I sing with a feminine hymn

scintillates my belly until I feel the fire lit again from within.

 

Just a few words

 

The power of choice

*Life is busy again -I choose to post this 10 days before I am “supposed” to because I think our MENTAL HEALTH needs care and attention every single day*

Inspired by taking a head ache tablet and the film ‘the Matrix’

It’s a bit abstract and simple at the same time.

Using the matrix as a metaphor to raise MENTAL HEALTH awareness and reduce stigma

What if I asked you This?

What pill will you choose?

img_20170930_191653_4141668701966.jpg

Remain ignorant about mental health issues ,or acknowledge and seek to educate yourself?

If you believe you have a brain and a body -then it makes sense that you have Mental health and Physical health. Both exist. Both can fluctuate along a spectrum of Good- Bad.

Yes. I am aware that the picture shows only one tablet. Think of this one tablet as how  the status quo deal with Mental health -good and bad.

I’m not saying there hasn’t been progress. There has. We have a long way to go still.

Society wants to understand IT and at the same time ignore that IT exsists.

We can’t have both.

 In my opinion,

to think you can live with both:

understanding and ignorance  is INSANITY.

This is what keeps us from understanding and evolving into the mental well being matrix system. 😉

‘ the body cannot live without the mind’

Morpheus from ‘the matrix’

Here is a link to world mental health U.K. website –

it has articles, blog stories and loads of information on MENTAL WELLBEING -good and bad.

I live in West Yorkshire, U.K.

support links for people in my community here

its OK to talk

Hope Mental health charity- Calderdale  recovery college.

Healthy minds  Calderdale services

Wellness

Recovery

Action

Plan

Information in the U.K.

I have done the 5 day  co facilliator  W.RA.P.  and I’ve done the 12 week  program.

I’ve been involved with many of these services  or know people who have in some different capacities and reasons.

I BELIEVE ENGAGING AND REACHING OUT WORKS.

I FIND WRAP HAS HELPED ME.

Invest time in learning about the Wellness Recovery Action Program 5 core values.

What is your understanding  of these values? Click on each underlined link to read another person’s definition of WRAPS core values

  1. HOPE

  2. EDUCATION

  3. PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY

  4. SUPPORT

  5. SELF ADVOCACY   – (it took me a long time to understand this)

SHORT INTRODUCTION TO WRAP

 

My premature message for #WORLDMENTALHEALTHDAY 10TH OCTOBER 2017

 

Even Lunatics must break fast

The calm before the storm.

I break my fast musing over my odds of being crazier than the norm.

Muttering,

stuttering

— Brain sensory overload — the cranium structure is deceiving in its form.

The third eye lazily flickers in a state of REM.

an attempt to channel my inner chakra.

I’ve resorted to stick-on Googly eyes to play the part of spiritualist guru, sipping on high tea, to awaken my inner rapture.

Dear Goddess Kali, can you save me from the howling winds?

The mooing cows spinning around me

  moaning gutturally for their new fateful flight as fledgelings?

My Glasshouse shatters into a myriad of snow flaked, razor-sharp, jagged pieces.

broken,

unable to repair the damage.

Take a searing hot iron to my face to smooth out the grimace in my features.

Sacerdotal screams interrupt the night — another man stolen from his lullaby.

Sleepless ideas

patrol,

brazen in their efforts to destroy,

 my favourite playlist titled: sweet dreams.

behind the thousands of words, I’ve ploughed through with oars

Where will  I be?

Will I have sailed?

Will I capsize?

Will I have the ability to walk?

Will I  be a cripple, dragging myself by the elbows under a storm pelted bleached , grainy beach?

The Temptations won’t knock

They will saunter in.

Oh, it’s to be expected.

I refuse to fall to my knees

swearing  my allegiance to make another man’s family richer

Than see mine indicted.

I’d sooner sit on a floor, covered in colours of paint and corners lit with the smiles of my loves.

I’d sooner watch paint dry or read a screenplay loosely based on what I know about when life comes to rouse me with rough pushes or shoves.

Fire,

water,

earth,

and air

Elements balance my kinetic,

dynamic,

complex feelings of despair.

Change comes with a promise.

Fear comes with very little solace.

Motion to a new position –

don’t cower from success

It might even suit your current attire and inner prowess.

 

My time to deliver.

Get my due.

Affection,

laughter,

love,

and living

For me and my few.

 

My kind words are still here and my support?

I have some to spare.

I won’t waste it on those who don’t reciprocate

The err is but their own.

Chosen to remain frozen-staring down a hall of, pale, mirrored self-reflection.

unable to see

they are not the only ones

in need of encouragement or care.

I swill down the remnants of this blessed day with a bitter tea.

 

I clamour to suppress my applause.

I  catch out the dawn  rising with a yawn  unashamed ,gloriously

naked.

I’m no longer afraid to be the lunatic.

I’ve seen the powers of nature.

Forces of rage.

still, waters run deep.

 This insanity is something I hold dear to me-

The great mother gave it to me-

I will set with the  sun

It’s my duty to consummate all that is sacred.

Revised stream of consciousness — borderline poetry.

Buy ding time

So many people watch and talk about those who they under estimate. By all means watch,

And learn.

Maybe you will learn how to deal with one or two of your own issues

A perfectly flawed Daisy Willows

I let us down?

Shadows betrayed with a mere glimpse of a frown.

No words can express the guilt dictatorship governing me

It’s not a cop out. I know right from wrong – I know this plea

Manipulations-sucked into the vortex

Epileptic fits, child crying for a place where dinosaurs indeed exist in the mix.

Buying time while losing our minds.

Insanity led me to insist this was the shortest cut to a state of perpetual eutrophic times

Heart attack — Jack missed his usual target in sundry extrapolation.

Too much — too much — afraid to not have enough-

Threats

once choice I  have  to have an abortion

…..or an abortion.

 

The value of life against a three digit number

is not worth the risk of  another loosing sanity – Look at that temper!

Fuelled by selfish, ridiculous acts in  percussive persuasion.

Sick of hurting the good ones in the pursuit  for a place in time where we are  not struck down by  our own damnation.

Heightened emotions — rouged the face of her grace .

Head  rendered poisoned by the one with the  latex face

Queer sighs — teary eyed.

Worth all this anvil chorus  shrieking out implacable aural instigation

The fear if a god had its grip on me – I would take the whip out on my vice with attempts of self flagellation.

21 days

my soul betrays all sense of balance –

5 years of drudgery for something that has less weight than a heart.

Lost in that maze of procrastination  — buying time — throwing out another seasonal  line.

Fear – it will run out-plans mystify my usual organised self — maturate until all evidence  of ejaculation is collected by its DNA component to outsmart.

Happiness leads to an oasis  dried up well —

See that camel over there?

she’s my final hope for a sip of redemption

Unusual  for a vegan to murder an animal for a quench of innocence-how far I’ve fallen —

two points away from extinction

Madness runs forever in a contortion

Fucked if I know how to talk sense into a cross eyed mass of exhaustion.

Pillage me for I am running low.

All thought out plans left in the bloodied soulless bodies of Russia’s war in winter snow

Front line-I cower-there is no courage in the how I dished out my packable blow

Left in a quiver — screamed by the knock of confrontation at my door

I do. I do I do..

If not for myself but for the one who I look to

amazed-

I observe it as one would in a zoo

Rueful

Meaning to be dutiful

This reflection is the antithesis of beautiful.

How long can love last?

when the tokoloshe is cross examined for its  denied  attempt at buying its time

or trying to convince that biding echoes are indeed in the indefinite past.

 

 

Found: Inner Panacea

*only you can decide which oddities are worth keeping or eliminating some most definitely are worth keeping- the ones that make you feel alive keep- the ones that make you feel ugly and insignificant -discard*

TIP  FOR  A SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT:

Expose

Detox

Eliminate

Cleanse

 repeat regularly. 

Bonjour tristesse, I leave you without a second glance.

6hours to go until a new dawn greets me with its fiery dance.

No amount of Moons ago,  could I  foresaw this trip to  such a  bodacious planet.

Lavender dreams interrupted by the need for a bubble bath to cleanse my soul,

enrich my palate.

How it  leaves me in stark clarity,

 other daisies grow wildly in meadows.

2 am cleanse off- eliminate others’ unwanted worries and troubles.

Herbal tea infusions – a meet up with friends who know about life’s true haggles.

Comments intended to cut to the core.

Manage to lick-up   one salty tear

begging for more.

A soul is awoken when it faces all directions.

Never blind yet always courageous to evoke dear affections.

Common goals shared by trolls made by the same finger pointing corporation

Pity those who continue to live not a decade but over half a century in miserable devastation.

Hot water filling a tub – a sauna to enlight.

Voices

You are “divorced”, a drama queen, I only wanted a  shag.

It tickled your delight to dangle carrots when I was newly married

you are most certifiably unbecoming the state of inner jihad.

I’m  having fun acting in a workshop.

That accent is dreadful I can sign you up for electrocution elocution lessons.

Don’t mind me having a gas- the whole purpose of improvisation is to get involved.

 Don’t use me as a pawn for fear of being put under your harsh self-imposed scrutiny.

You are ugly.

 the biggest topic under dissection in a house full of self-confessed millionaires.

All those beatings, and  Sangria holiday hangovers yet,

 still, no permanent fix for happiness to last longer than a child’s joy at the penultimate of funfairs.

Three perfect lessons in all that is wrong not  with me, but with others,

who can’t equate strength alongside vulnerability.

How can it be true that the two run side by side like rivers?

 merging into one ocean of clear waters.

Confucianism arise in accountability.

No one can possess opposing characteristics!

 She does not conform to why we hate her

so, now we must turn up the  gas lighter

 justify our vexes and vehemence to assure we are credible witnesses, to attest, this Red lettered calamity remains  hidden,

 In dead carcasses.

Oh, Shame!

we shall honor you and remain her loyal Foe.

A few written words, at an ungodly hour.

I’ve never been one to conform to another with power.

Time is up, my bath tub is run.

Imagine it freestanding.

careless in an era where it is encouraged to be eccentrically unique. cartwheeling in a  quest to not only live and work hard,

 remember to have fun.

*inspired by toxic people.

Daisy, how can you just assume it’s other people who are toxic and not you?

Well, I say it takes one to know one.

I know how to be toxic, I’ve been toxic and I know how it feels to live away from toxic vibes and people. *

ED flares up

So, I have been pretty quiet on how I have been dealing with my Anorexia lately. It has been hell. I went on a detox in July 2015 and put on weight! Yes! I don’t know how I managed it. 

I have been struggling to get rid of the weight although it could have been a combo of muscle too. I am a bit of an exercise bunny.  Anyway At Christmas I  “forgot” how to eat again. I’ve dropped nearly 8 kilos in less than four weeks. 

 

 

I don’t need this shit. My mental health and weight have been stable for nearly 5 years. I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m planning on having a brother/sister for my precious child at the end of the year and I’m succeeding in the volunteering/working world. 

 

I tried loads of different non-medication alternatives and other medication tweaks over the last few months. My C.P.N.  and psychiatrist finally put me back on Diazepam again at my request. I’m on a whack of meds already ( for my Bipolar too) but the lorazepam wasn’t working any more. I  started getting panic attacks around eating again and have survived mainly on water and sweets for a month.

I’ve had hardly any energy to have a proper good work out. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and I don’t want to lose the body I have worked so hard to achieve in four years. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to stay lean. Keep my glossy hair and glowing skin. The remainder of my teeth…

Let’s hope this med change works. Tonight, I’m about to have my first proper sit-down meal with my family in a month. I am terrified. I don’t want to put on too much weight. I’ve chucked all the sweets out and got some good quality veg and seafood. Fruit.  Normal food! 

I am going to do this and move forward. It’s okay to stumble. I have caught it in time. I want my glow back and my energy. I’ve so much work to do this year.  The eating disorder recovery group is happening. I’m still here. I say a big fuck you to Anorexia and I’m fighting back. No more hospitals. I am not a victim. 

I am back!  Not perfect. Always flawed. I am a fighter.