Blog Archives

Folds of skin

A poetry work in motion.

Neighbour hoodie (nee) gentrify watch

TRUE WORDS:

There are no rainbows without rain.

RISE ABOVE THE SMALL MENTALITY.

These folk have not experienced my darkest hours nor walked in my shoes.
Jealousy is a heinous crime to a person’s soul because it doesn’t take into account what the other person has and has yet to go through in life.

RISE ABOVE THE HATE of those who will never know & if they do hear a whisper of truth have no clue.

Judgements have no place in my world for those who don’t have a clue.
They tried to hit me where it could have hurt not me but my family
Gentrify their neighbourhood watch
cos I fly without further a due
Confuciasism
Tashism
I am not who/what they think I am ..
Oh, wait.. they made my case to succeed stronger.
THANK YOU, to my foes
You have made my goal closer.
I see that now.
Energy dispersed
I find it replenished
Resurrected
I am not down
I rise
I rise

THANK YOU for fueling my desire to start afresh better now than when I thought I was due
to give life to a new beginning.

these are my words. Simple words yet… meaningful to the author.
ME,

Who knew.

 

Daisy not a death sentence

D utifully fights death with hope
A ccepts pain will help shed its old purpose
I n light it seeks for a rebirth – instincts prevail
S adness embrace – for loss will lead to freedom
Y esterday is a forget me not – a death sentence.

GRADUATE OF LIFE

 haven’t had my graduation ceremony yet and with all that has happened this year, I totally forgot that I have finally finished my degree. My other half was going ballistic (in a good way) and looked at me and asked me why I looked so down. I guess either I am still in shock or I don’t think it is that big a deal compared to what other goals and shit I have had to focus on this year. So let me high 5 myself and reflect on how the path to get my degree became – the successful one.

Way back in 2007,I had just come out of the hospital with a BMI of 16. I enrolled at my local college in the U.K. to do my BA in acting performance.

I was with a lovely group of talented individuals and managed one term. I was quickly losing more weight again and my mental health went down. I could not maintain a low BMI. I either had to go lower or higher and I went lower. I managed to get merit (when they still called it that) for my classical acting. How amazing is that?

I wanted to engage with my group but I couldn’t shift the anorexia. I had become a sub-host to it.

Back in 2008, I decided to have another go at it. I had gained a normal amount of weight. I met a seemingly lovely man who swept me off my feet. He worked in the army and ended up going on tour for 3 months in Canada. I went to live in Barcelona with my Aunt for a few months and partied hard. Hit Ibiza with my cuz and when I came back to the U.K I was ready to piece my life back together.

The night I arrived back in the U.K. was the same night the army guy got back and he came straight to see me, bringing me little gifts back from his tour. I was so touched and couldn’t believe we had another chance to get to know this one another again and give him my heart. I invited him for a meal at my Nan’s house the following evening as he was rather ‘fatigued'(such an elegant way of putting it)  from his flight.

The following day he texted me to tell me he was getting his car serviced and would see me later. Later turned into 6pm And 8pm and then 9pm. The curry was losing it’s cool. I rang him asking him why he hadn’t pitched up and he completely dissed me on the phone and told me he was with his family and I can’t make him choose his family over me! WTAF?

If he had explained that he wanted to be with his family then I would of got it.-The lovely army guy broke my heart. He didn’t want to be with me. I internalised all this as my fault. I had put on weight, I had been homeless and had recently found somewhere in the U.K. to live and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I remember walking my Nan from my new home to the bus stop and I broke down. I didn’t know how much I liked this guy until I felt my heart tearing. Each sob caused another tear and another.

In 2009 I was finally in a better place and I was ready for another attempt to get a degree in the arts arena. I started a  two Foundation Degree with 24 students. By week two that had whittled down to 7 students. Again a totally different bunch of lovely people. I fucked up. I stopped taking my meds. I was trying so hard to fit in but I guess I felt a bit intimidated by all the talented actors and talent. I didn’t know then that they were all just as frightened of failing as me. At first I  was coping and I managed to go out get wasted and silly and form friendships. Standard uni stuff. One night a girl on my course rang me and told me to come out. She said the night was on her. I got dressed and put on my party face even though at that time I was taking 100 laxatives a day.

When people asked me out I would say ‘Awesome. I will be there’  I had a bad habit and once I had taken those tablets I was ill. I mean of course, I had the shits. Haha. Never thought I would be typing this but the moment before I purged I had stomach cramps that pushed and pulled and stabbed at me from the inside. I couldn’t walk from the spasms. SO that night I gave a big fuck you to Anorexia and went out to have some fun and bond with some friends.

My taxi pulled up at ‘the only reputable club’ in that locality and I saw my college friend wave at me and she was laughing and she gave me £50 and told me to come with her. It was a bit. Well, I was sober and everyone else was hammered. I didn’t find it funny. I wasn’t in the zone yet. I went to the bathroom and then I went to look for the pack and I couldn’t find them anywhere.

My mobile battery died and I turned around to the first person I saw to ask that person if I could use their mobile. I happened to bump into the person who went on to degrade and disrespect me in the most colourful and inventive ways. I couldn’t find anyone so we went back to mine and drank until………… I passed out mid-sentence.

This guy wouldn’t leave me alone. He was lovely at first but really full-on. I tried to back away. My friends told me he looked creepy.Leave him alone.

A guy from uni came up to me and told me that creepy ex was well and truly creepy and to stay away. Did I listen? no, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I melted into his world. At first it was flattering that someone would want to be around me so much. I didn’t think I was going to get in a relationship with him. I was trying to make friends and I had my eyes on someone else.

Out of respect to my daughter, I won’t go into a diatribe of events. He tried to take my soul. When he couldn’t have all of me he came up with a cunning plan to try and take my life away from me. Our daughter. During this time I could feel Anorexia clawing it’s way back inside. Cold, damp and merciless. I couldn’t allow it home again. I reached out to a couple I know and went on to meet my future husband to be. Before you judge- I have had my karma. I nearly lost my daughter as you may know from previous posts.  I had time on my hands. Instead of being a full-time Mom to my daughter, I was a 10 hour per week Mom instead.

I decided while I battled it out in the court arena with social services and my creepy ex I would resume my studies. This time not in a mainstream uni but an online one. I worked my toosh off and today I can say I am a graduate. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my partner and my family.

DON’T JUDGE -if you can help it.  That is a huge lesson I’ve learned. This piece of paper means so much more than the letters printed on it. It is a symbol – a tangible piece that reminds me of how I got to this place where I am today. I’m a bride to be with a gorgeous daughter who will be four in October. I’m working with mental health charities and I am a stable weight- super healthy. I don’t smoke. I drink mostly water ( with the odd cocktail of course) , I exersise. I am a success. I am proud of me. No one can take that from me. I won’t let them. Always be ready to learn a bit more. I may have officially finished learning but I will not let that stop me from learning in other ways. I treat every experience in my life as a learning curve. Always look for the silver lining no matter how bleak.

I rise

I rise because I now see I am strong

I weep for the girl who once believed I was wrong,

Because others didn’t understand I was born with this face

It’s not because of my race.

I don’t have William fish syndrome.

I’m a woman with a heart as vast as the seven seas

The cost of investing in wasting time on vapid entities,

Taught me a lesson

Taught me how to rise up session after session.

I rise because I know I get it wrong, I admit!

I no longer weep for the girl I once was

For if it were the devil’s tears that once made me smile
Temporarily,

Now I know I am a woman who seeks to live a life more worthwhile.

Blanch Guts

I may not be anonymous

I’m predisposed to mostly white.

Paled by charming powder puffs

Under any paltry day or night.

I may not be anonymous

I may appear big, small heavy and then light.

one little line of chronic

then it’s down & up 1000s hillside slopes to cut the gluttonous lust.

It grows in fervour

Diminishes all care.

If time is money (Wutang)

then it’s wasted to card dealing chancers

who think it is fair in the twilight

to fight this addiction to an eating disorder.

Sizes me up

Rounds me in

Heard in

cattle calls

Not time to feed but blanch Guts away to her final slaughter.

Why do I want to change my hues?

Tie Dye?

Or maybe these words are a whitewash of denial or a statement covering up a fat lie.

(May 2019)

Instinct -don’t know how to be


Instinct them there eyes that sit on the side of your face

where your ears shoot up from the top of your head.

Primitive- does it have a capacity to learn?

What is instinct?

the ability to know if something is a good idea or bad?

Is it just leftovers from another former homo sapien – who didn’t get the Darwinian letter notifying us to change?

Second guess it –  

Third time make a mess of it.

What about those who have been conditioned by torture?

How do they know if their instincts can guide them to shores of safety?

Mothers instincts – is it the same as caring?

The instinct to repeat the same mistake –   short circuit -rewiring alert .

Instinct tells me I am fucking it up.  

I lie typing furiously trying to have my way.

I paid to be happy and don’t tell me I’m wrong,

instinct tells me this already.

Inside there is a stubborn overgrown tree – happily rooted-

Oh what a character!

It takes over me. Seen those shows when a person is hypnotised?

Never been hypnotised but…. I can imagine that worst case scenario is wanting to do something or not wanting to do something but having this entertainer conjure me to do the opposite of what I want.

What I say I will make me happy.

The rules is I am in a theatre of sorts – being watched, performed on .

I’m paralyse, can’t move -yet still I get to see all my actions performed for all to see.

I’m compelled to just let it be.

I was born with an inherent instinct to destroy every opportunity to feel a laugh leave my throat or a smile find it’s way curving upwards.

what is in me?

Who put it inside me?

I was pulled out with forceps and a low tolerance for people –

Did I get put on the wrong planet?

was I a botched experiment from a distant galaxy that needed terminating?

Who in their right mind throws away happiness like a blossom tree losing her flowers in autumn?

I don’t have that much to give. I did at some point but…. now that seems like a far away – old shedded skin

Creativity comes from within.

Instinct compels me to sin and win

LittleBee I failed you…

Can’t finish this… it is glib.

I can’t forgive  me.

I’m a monstrosity.

DOn’t say those words daisy or you will become what you think you are.

True but I’ve forgotten how to be I am , I are, I will ,I think…

Don’t know how to …….

 

Be Happy or Die Trying day 2

Day 2 of the Action for Happiness,  Today the focus is on staying optimistic. Life is a challenge for all of us at times. The truth is I decided to do this course to give me Hope and the strength to set goals to achieve a sense of achievement. I have to be real and say I feel anything but optimistic.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being  honest about stating I don’t feel hopeful today. 

That is not to say that I will never have hope again. 

It is important to be realistic about our goals and futures and understand that cultivating realistic optimism is healthier and helps prepare person to understand that sometimes in spite of believing that nothing can go wrong as  long as we keep being positive and refusing to acknowledge that we don’t have control over our future is an unrealistic expectation. It is important for self growth to accept that we won’t always get what we want no matter how optimistic we are but we can learn how to deal with our emotions if the outcome of a goal is not what we expected. 

Happiness and optimism does not mean that we don’t feel sad or that our emotions change frequently.

Are their  “wrong” feelings and emotions”?

 

 

No body can be fine all the time because our emotions fluctuate and has an effect on how we feel and behave. Happiness is a an emotion that is so fleeting just like other emotions and feelings. What is wrong with accepting and instead of pushing away so called “negative” feelings allow yourself to express those emotions. Hiding those feelings and ignoring them is to deny the fact that we will feel a spectrum of emotions about what life throws our way or what we are experiencing at any given moment.

How can we achieve a sense of happiness and make goals and try to change our mindset if we don’t accept that it is okay to feel and express all of our emotions. Understaning our emotions leads to growth and a better understanding of ourself. We can connect with other people because we will know that we all have the same emotions and by knowing ourselves better.

 Society expects us to push away emotions that are deemed to be negative. I know the point of doing this challenge is to find happiness. I am beginning to wonder if by pushing my so called “negative” feelings away and scrolling through Pinterest for positive quotes. Plastering a smile on my face is actually counter productive  in my goals to find Happiness. Happiness means different things to people. One thing I ascooate  with Happiness is inner peace and to find the strength to accept my self, understand myself and get better with my mental health issues. 

Join the movement Action for happiness

If you want to find out more about how to develop inner happiness and peace it may be helpful to develop your Emotional intelligence IQ

Maybe try and cultivate EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE -to gain a deeper understanding of your Emotions and use that to move forwards in Life

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflic

TAKE THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IQ TEST HERE

Please find loads of resources to cultivate happiness, to understand your illnesses, identify goals and much more.

RESOURCES

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Creativist Andrew MCg -The Rage

I wanna write something new

I wanna write a poem that’ll make me forget

Just like the alcohol use to

I wanna write a poem that’ll make me regret

Just like all the one-night stands did

I wanna write a poem that’ll make you feel dirty

The kind that makes you get dressed, leave immediately than go get tested

I wanna write the kind of poem that is as hard to listen to as it is to recite

I wanna write a poem that’ll leave my skin crawling and my ears bleeding 

I want this poem to bleed as much as I did

Let these blue lines be my veins, the bleached paper be my skin

This poem doesn’t have much left because my heart is paper thin

Let the ink run deep, leave this page looking like a murder scene

I wanna write a poem like murder she wrote 

Right before she broke her knife off into my back

I wanna write a poem like a sneak attack

The kind that catches you by surprise in the middle of the night

Like a nightmare with no way out

I wanna write a poem to allow my darkness a way to scream and shout

It’s not meant to be loud, it just is

This poem doesn’t care if you listen

This poem will slit the wrists to any awkward silences out there

Beware of the dog its bark is far less than it’s bite

I wanna write a poem as long this line of crushed up valium

Let this poem leave me just as high and as numb 

I wanna write a rain dance than bring forth the dark clouds

Drown out this piece of paper and wash away the doubts 

I wanna write a poem like a one-way road

Then bulldoze everything in its path

I wanna write a poem like a cold body in a warm bath

Then give it 13 reasons why it never should’ve been alive

I want this poem to be a fit of my desolate rage 

That still burns even after I exit this stage.

Creativist FEATURE: Fear me, Dear me

https://youtu.be/I_EvHwaL6a0

I usually know nothing about the people I ask to feature. Here is the usual process of listening to music to getting a feature.

I’m listening to music and goawwing about my day.

A song stops me from whatever I’m I’m doing.

Hit repeat again. And again. Then before looking into the artist’s bio. Before thinking about how I’m going to put źßacross the themes I’d like to touch upon.

READ ABOUT MY CREATIVIESTS I NEED YOU! PROJECT

Mental health and how creativity by having a creative outlet to express ourselves can lead to better mental health.

Write to recover is my creative outlet

My approach is instinctive. Before I ask myself how I’m going to achieve this in a feature interview, I realise I’ve hit send asking for a feature.

When people get back to me and say yes.It sends my thoughts spiralling down a tunnel picking up random and conflicting emotions

My brain:

Yay, someone thinks I can write about them.

Someone thinks I can write about them in a structured way.

Someone will probably think I do this all the time.

(A barrage of emotions).

What do I know about interviewing and communicating?

I know nothing about this person/band.

(Frantic typing on my laptop).

I obsessively research, listen to their music, doubt myself.

Berate myself for doubting myself.

SELF TALK: I love doing this. This is another experience to add to my goal of writing -connecting with people. A chance to be creative. A chance to express myself.

A chance to embrace my own passion for writing. A chance to challenge my writing style and that means communicating with other people not just in the writing form but “live” speaking.

I have to come out of my writing bubble world so I can go back to the fun part of writing and researching.

I struggle a lot with my mental health. The one way that helps me stay on a good path with my mental health is writing and being creative. feel self-worth and self-validation that comes from inside, feeling like I have expressed myself in a way that feels genuine. writing for me keeps me away from my triggers for relapsing with my mental health.

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I immediately wanted to run away from an outlet that I get so much positiveness from doing.

it is quite bizarre that my instinct to run away and not do the interview stems from my own thoughts about if I can be creative.

It puts pressure on me to follow through with what I say I want to do and then I am given the chance to do something I am passionate about not a professional music journalist. I am afraid to fail.

I feel like backing out of doing most features if I did that then I would be a hypocrite because the whole point of doing these features is to demonstrate to myself and others that feeling the fear and feeling inadequate prevents me from being happy. It is a challenge to my own self-perception and my belief that creativity does improve mental health.

The way I prove it is by doing it. This is my style and I express myself as the person I am because I want to be well. I want to enjoy discovering new people, having new experiences, learning and feeling a part of something that means something to me.

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