N/ Atrophies needed
my wish is for no person to resonate with these words. Live happy for as long as those who help you negotiate happy *
Musing from a head disassociated from its heart ( insert arrow ).
A musing of a separation only the disillusioned would consider.. an Art.
Perhaps all I need is a cup of ‘Let’s go dutch’ English Tea..
To announce I miss my Teddy bear tea zen.
I always thought a broken heart would keep me writing ✍️.
Now whose woes are teasing ?
Now, I know that I’m not broken hearted 💔 ;
What keeps me from writing is a form of atrophy?
I’m hardly breathing …..
The highest treason.
I fold in .
My blush is as good as my spade ♠️.
My heart tastes like the finer cuts
strips off a Wilkinson’s razor blade.
There is a difference between a heart ❤️ and a spade ♠️.
The space between the dashes of our existence.
Just words & Numbers .
Won. Not pretty .
It was never to be.
The word –
Character & mortality
Fear not to expose your vulnerabilities,
For those you seek to exploit know not
of your strengths
All are remarkable traits of your
Your mark on life
Most of all your strength of character
in your times played out in mortality.
Little lady dancer
She dances to my fascination ,
a soul that is filled with imagination.
carefree , bliss….
..no gravity can hold her –
Oh,what a kiss!
add a heel, another toe ,a shuffle and hop.
She leads the lot with her teeny tiny bop.
Four years ago. Born in the full sac.
Midwives tore at her home to make sure she would not lack
Life – no scream.
He had to be so mean.
She’s not breathing.
What the fuck ? I haven’t even recovered from all the sweat pouring and heaving
Skin on skin contact.
Enough to instil some sense of relief.
Four years later she is tall and graceful,
The word – darling springs to mind.
I look into her eyes,
I am blown away by the compassion I find.
She is my little lady –
Thank God I never stopped being a chancer;
because today I get to see my daughter ,blossom as a true dancer.
Will write poetry for love
I’m supposed to be the one who is feeling strong
Yet, I have got the biggest feeling I am getting it so wrong
Stick by me in sickness and in health,
You have never let me down with all your lovin wealth
I feel I have let you down
I don’t need to see no frown.
The truth is as my mind slowly unhinges
The incessant call of sleeping Grimm makes sure it stays on the fringes.
Loud and shrill,
My mind took a detour- scarpered for that biggest hill.
All I want to do is be your deserving queen,
the one that acts out on the things I mean.
Mind is running away after hearing a great big boo.
I am no poet
It’s not hard to show it.
I just want you to know,
even in this state of harrow.
I love you
even when I am stripped of my bow and arrow.
You are my king
with this fact alone –
let it be known that in the end
we will soar,
even if only with one wing.
Wanna know about life?
Honesty and upfront are my greatest assets & flaws. I’ve avoided blogging too much or connecting over the last few months because I’ve been hiding a lot of guilt and shame –
so I’ve been doing some thinking.
No stream of consciousness or poetry in this post…
Are you still with me? haha
I write for myself first and I always will. When I write for an audience I lose my way easily.
Apologies if this is old news to the more evolved spirits reading this. 😁
Daisy has an epiphany.
I’ve been contemplating on the saying ‘dig deep’
if you decide to use this quote to get you through an experience
Do you know why you need to dig deep?
from our conception & birth into this life
From our first breath – we have started to dig our own grave.
We begin to design the layout of where our final resting place or end will be.
It would be epic and less stressful if from the moment we are born we knew what we are meant to be doing.
Many people never figure it out or, if they do, it’s too late to ask them if they have it for obvious reasons. 😞
Many people decide to choose a saviour either in the form of an icon – a god, a person, goals – money, love, careers, addictions, etc…
We strive to find something to focus all of our seconds, minutes, hours and years blatantly meandering about on this planet.
Be careful who you allow to support you – some people are so busy trying to save everyone else, ( we all do it at some point); we forget our first honour and duty is to save ourselves and know our own purpose.
It’s known in psychobabble terms as the drama triangle.
Most of use tend to flit between three roles -Victim, the dominating in yer face/demanding person or the carer role depending on the situation we are in, people we are around etc.
Many of us go on to have children who rely on us – depend on us to teach them how to navigate their own path – how to create their own resting place – and to be conscious that each action, each decision they make has a hand in determining how they will die.
Teaching others to rely on themselves is a blessing, not a curse.
It is when we are faced with our own reflection, with no other help but to rely on our own resources /skills we collect along our journey in life.
Will we know how we will get to the other side or to our end in this human form.
Some of us end up addicted or come to our end at the hands of illnesses like cancer or dementia, car accidents etc.
Some of us can go out and have a heart attack while having an orgasm. It’s possible
Maybe some of us are unaware that from the moment we are given independent life we are consistently (for better or worse) building our own coffins.
Is it fair that we are not told this from our first breath?
I didn’t make up the rules in life or society.
We -or rather I – can only govern myself and my actions
Choose carefully who you try to help or who you accept help from.
Don’t get mad when people let you down
They are doing what they need to do – following their own purpose.
Some people never find out what their purpose is.
How comfortable and aware of your surrounding do you want to be when you take your last breath in this life.
We create our own Elysium or heaven or utopia even –
sometimes it’s not what we want or expect-
The truth is we won’t know until we are swimming against the tide or even hanging ten and riding the wave.
I do know that I want to be as conscious and aware of my choices, limits when the waves crash.
My personal chosen Gods have always been tangible- in the form of fully crystallised human beings -flawed just like me.
I think I chose human “idols” to put all my faith because I can have a go at someone when “they” 😉 let me down. I want to face my own success and disappointments A-sap .
Patience /Sabili is not a strength of mine.
I need to look at a reflection of myself to determine I exist.
it’s not easy to figure out life- there is probably more evidence for the saying that instead of philosophising about how to find our purpose i. life- it needs to be lived – consciously and with purpose.
We can live with a purpose not knowing if that purpose is “right “and we can live consciously and not know what our purpose is.
Our Past experiences can help us figure out what tools or resources we need to use if/when we consciously realise
Perhaps I’ve hit the bottom of my pit
How do I bypass this mythical minotaur I’ve read about?
We wonder how we can or even if we can
find strength & savviness to crawl up & out of it to a stable Terre ferme place.
We may wonder if we have the endurance, courage and motivation to get out of coal mine
Whether it’s worth finding a running brook of water to wash the soot from the inside out.
The alternative option is that our final resting place will be exactly where we decide to rest – in this case, the bottom of a pit. State the obvious 😂
It’s our personal responsibility to find (in our finite existence)a place where we feel we have done everything in our power tosit amongst the angels or the gods of Olympus or whatever it is we believe in that will take us through from the beginning to the end. where we can feel at peace with ourselves.
Some of us – most of us never get to that point. Sucks to be us.
I don’t fully believe reincarnation but I am aware that it makes sense our essence/ energy will go someplace else.
Society tells us it’s a selfish idea
‘ look after yourself’.
Human beings are wired to reach out but how we do that and to know our boundaries and the boundaries of others is tricky to balance
boundaries are constantly changing with where we are in our lives, emotionally, physically & mentally.
It’s scary to know we are ultimately alone – only we can change ourselves – our emotions – our ideas – our path.
It’s hard not to resent others or life for making us so capable and resilient.
Damn you life! How dare you 😂
It can be easier to choose to not see the bigger plan – this idea that, yes we govern ourselves and we must govern ourselves and own our actions and our lives.
We must practice being aware that every action /choice/thought we make – has that butterfly effect –
we cause the ripples of life. We are made up of molecules & atoms. Ie energy
Science has come up with terminology -that can help us understand our position in this world, we make up , what and how much we are capable
How much responsibility we all have.
We are tiny specks in the universe however just one body made up of molecules has a direct consequence on those around us, our environment – one choice word or action could help balance our life conversely it can cause it to topple over.
We have nature to compare ourselves to – A crystallised example of what happens when we fuck up different ecosystems – when we put element somewhere and take out element B from somewhere else.
It’s trial and error.
We repeat – the cycle continues.
I think that the fear of being alone is a lot scarier than actually being alone
When I am alone by choice or because People forget me. I decide
I choose to swim and come up for air.
I realised that I have walked the earth with legs , I’ve flown and seen the world from a bird’s eye perspective.
I’ve also stayed a rather unglamourous mammalian unable to grow wings or a tail to adapt to my surroundings.
I choose to live another day. I don’t know if my choices are right or wrong .
Time is what it is.
People in my life , of my life
I love you but I don’t want to need anyone. My desire is I want people because of the love & joy they bring to my life.
Do I decide to fight the battle every day or fall back into a walking state of slumber?
Mr Willows takes over the willows
with my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr. Willows – just kidding. Slightly…..
No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect.
It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it?
There is a lot I want to say before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type way too much for my liking.
We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people
-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .
I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up. I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour.
I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly their best.
Usually, the men I’ve chosen have brought out the worst in me. ( they have issues just like me.)
For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.
I’m not making excuses for those men.
“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley
I have a man who has shown me what it feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness.
Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.
I’m uber emotional.
I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter)
I’m at a loss for words.
So this Mr Willows
This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness called Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.
15th May 2017
10:15: It has been a struggle this morning. It is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and I used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.
10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chafe when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.
11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.
20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach aches so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.
22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get a better night’s sleep tonight
11:34: I feel very shaky today, almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have started to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge. I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue for too long.
9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.
So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have led a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps suppress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.
MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.
Dealing with life 😀
Living up to my G.O.A.T.
The ultimate party girl. I was that girl who could drink bourbon all night and into the morning – all-day-long. Got any E’s or some Bolivian marching powder? you were speaking my language. I never knew when to stop. It all started at the ripe old age of 12 years old. The rave scene was at its peak. Drugs were strong (not cut with loads of rat poisoning or other shit) and people hardly drank alcohol. We all loved one another and each other. You always found a friend at every underground Rave and every club you went to.
In my home town in South Africa, Saturday night was a party on the rooftops till 7 am, then it was time to hit ‘Church’ with more drugs and new best friends and do the blitz until you literally dropped or the drugs ran out.Then it was time to for a gentle come down, usually at the top of a hill,in a cemetery, with jaw-dropping views. The Ganja would come out and the silence of being in nature would occasionally be interrupted by easy-going laughter and ‘campfire-like’ stories buzzing about.
Sounds awesome, right? Well, it was for a bit…
Being an extremist -no grey areas sort of ‘gal, it led me down a different path altogether. You see, I didn’t know it then but I wanted to get mashed up properly because I hated myself . I had no self -respect, no hope, no vision nor ambition. From a young age, I self-harmed. At 5 years old I already had eating issues. Most people I have encountered in my life- bar the bastards and bitches (mind you even them at one point said something similar) told me I was an all-rounder: smart, privileged, loved, beautiful, charismatic, vulnerable yet wilful.
Did I stop to take in all these compliments that my older self now craves for?
I kind of distanced myself away from my true friends. The ones I had known since I was 7 years old. I decided to take on other people’s judgements of what I thought they believed about me, and internalised that and began self-harming at a ferocious speed, I began to feel like the scapegoat and target for my supposed best friends jokes.
Someone has to become the target, None of them was going to come forward willingly. I went through a stage of overeating and when I started going the other way and stopped eating I obviously lost a lot of weight. Suddenly, guy friends were flirting with me and my girl-friends started berating me. Eventually, I got pushed out of the clique for good -part self -blame and part snotty insecure teenage friends to blame. I didn’t need their petty shit.
I became a shaker and a roller. I did an impressive gamble with my life right up until my 30’s. I got hooked on Crack, Mandrax, Coke, and Pills. being skinny, overdosing and cutting myself. You name it. My friend circle became drug dealers, hardcore- addicts and people I met whilst hitchhiking to go buy my drugs. Oh yeah, an asylum of perverted old men who tried to abuse me or wanted to turn me into dollar/ pound signs, for their own gain of course.
At the ‘mature’ age of 17 years old I didn’t exactly go willingly to live in France or the U.K.
Nobody and no-one could handle me. I was etching closer and closer into the dark tunnel- sans- bright white light and a myriad of angels. I couldn’t keep the food down. My bones ached from all the crap in the drugs that I smoked and took. I couldn’t face anyone except my drug dealers. I wouldn’t leave the house at all. My mood went up and down, I was put on prescription pills. Doctors decided I was a head case and I gained a bunch of labels -brand genes that I didn’t particularly want to wear.
When my Grandpa passed away from cancer, I moved from France back to the U.K. and I calmed down a bit. I started working but people with ‘issues’ were drawn to me. I guess I aimlessly found what I was looking for. Was it a friend? a boyfriend? crazy and magical life experiences? Oh, I had all those in the palm of my hand but the drugs and the self- starvation always gripped me first.
I don’t think anyone ever thought I would not be a party girl until I had to rip the crown off my head and begrudgingly let some other younger, prettier and more popular girls pick up from where I haggardly turned off and tuned out from that world completely.
Some say that life is a destination but I see my life as being more of a journey and I can’t say I would change anything. These days the road more travelled: is with my true self. I love myself, respect myself and I have learnt a lot about people, the world and myself. I am still learning and never want to stop.
I love what I do with my life now!
A daughter to look after? Never in a million years was I going to catch out until I did of course. I don’t regret my daughter.
Get married? oh please. I’m far too contrary and I have to do the opposite of what society expected of me. Some say I have ‘grown-up’. I hate this term. I prefer to say, I have released my true inner soul into the world and everything I now believe in and want is coming to me. I don’t have the same people drawn to me as when I was ‘the party girl of many seasons’. I’m calmer. I sometimes think I’m bloody boring to be honest but it’s cool.
I still get to dance to Rave music in my living room – it’s great music to exercise to. I still have my passion for a variety of music and although I missed my chance to become a professional street dancer. I have found another way to help fill the dream chalice. I want to travel more and make friends with people who want to be around me because of me, and not for what I can give them i.e. money when I have/had it or other superficial bullshit.
I have ‘broken through’ to the other side( maybe not in the way old Jim Morrison meant) but I have.
– bit of a tune I just couldn’t resist putting in.
How did I do this? I hung up my glad rags and got ‘comfortable with being uncomfortable’ ( thanks Jillian Michaels for that quote) and I became the person I was probably born to be. I do different things these days. I now get to read more, I have money to save up for my wedding and holidays. I like to do things like go to the cinema and ice skating and roller skating. Pubs bore me and so do drunk people especially if I’m not. Except of course me, I am never bored of a drunk me. These days I’m more of a punch-drunk character. I choose where I roam and I find myself in much more worthy and rewarding places. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t turn Dionysus away from my door all the time. I love a few cheeky cocktails! So he will need to leave his vino back at the grape vineyard. I do have an addictive nature and I am on heavy medication, so I drink – as safely as possible. The initial euphoria is all I ever wanted from drink or drugs and that is all I want and need now. I know all about the chase and the chase ain’t for me any longer. I am thankful that I’m not even 34 years old yet and I’ve learned huge lessons. Now, I have more ambition, respect, love and rather grand shit happening in my life.
I love the people who are in my life now. I love the people I connect with now. I also know they love me for me. Quirks and all.
I know we all go through shit and I am in no position to judge. Hell, if someone popped round to my house with some seriously good drugs I may be tempted to say -why not? I might not. I’m only fucking human… haha. The point being: I would think about if I really wanted to take it or not. Weigh up the pros and cons and not become a con so quickly. Such a bad pun -I’m taking it- it is mine.
These days I’m a rebel in other ways -I still manage to piss people off with my liberal views and non-conformist attitude to life. I realise that part of me was really me all the time. I didn’t need drugs and booze to be different or alternative. I already am. I have walked away from that life with multiple labels(inherited or not) and I’ve been through the bullshit. I still have to put up with bullshit. These days I tend to party in the light, in a world of sunshine and with the wind blowing. It’s a fresh kind of life, a pure ongoing festival kind of life. Easy and breezy and I’m content with it.
Dreams can come true
Dreams are a subject that always confuses me. Why? It frustrates me that sometimes I can go for months (even years) without remembering any dreams. Then all of sudden they renegade me with one or two per night.
What is the first dream I remember? When I was 5 years old I had this recurring dream that my Mom got eaten by a shark and I was trying to save her. I remember my Aunt lifting me out of the water telling me that she couldn’t be saved. This dream was on a loop for some time. At the time life was stressful for us -moving around a lot, So, I could put the dream down to stress
I could blame my cousin. Why?
Well, one-night my mom went out and he was designated babysitter. He had some girl with him and the movie ‘Jaws’ had just come out on videotape. I didn’t want to watch it but he forced me to. He was a bit of a jerk. He used to call me peanut head! I do find that rather amusing.
I don’t know how successful he was with his date that night but I’m hoping Karma had her wicked way with him and left him with blue balls- sorry cuz!
So, back to dreams. Dreams for me conjure up vivid emotions and feelings rather than rely on visual details. My feelings and how I react in the dreams are always the strongest part of my dream that I remember. My latest dream I was torn between feeling secure and loved to being insecure and doubtful. In the dream, my hubby-to-be was having secret conversations with a woman he knew (in the context of the dream). I decided to confront the two – This girl was trying to convince me that my hubby was in fact in love with her and always would be. My other half was quiet when she spoke but in private he told me little except she was wrong and to trust him. The dream went back and forth between feeling betrayed and thinking the girl was telling some truth. My husband showed me a piece of torn paper and he said that she was trying to blackmail him but those feelings of insecurity would not pass.
The night before that I dreamt about my Mom. She was showing me her new wool jersey dress. she goaded me telling me to stop being so jealous and that she too was entitled to happiness. I wasn’t aware of my supposed jealous emotions until she changed tactics and told me she had that exact dress but a used one. Her dress was new and never been washed with the label intact. She invited me to try her new dress on. I kept on declining and then just to shut her up I conceded and tried on the dress. I put it on. Jiggled it on more like. I felt the tightness around my waist and then went into super panic mode when I couldn’t get it off. Mom was screaming at me to not stretch or ruin her dress.
How does this dream fit into the context of my everyday consciousness? I have been worried that I’ve put on weight around my middle and I have a wedding dress that I bought in 2014 for a knock off price that fits me like a glove. No room for breathing much. I need a straw to breathe out my nose to be honest. That is why I have been killing myself with Jillian Michaels workouts. This lady is nuts=a beaster. Every time I finish doing her workout I swear to myself I will NOT put myself through so much pain again. Today I’m contemplating doing another session. INSANITY! All this in an effort to look like a dream-like toned wedding bride belle for 22/06/2016.
The best dreams and most intense dreams were when I was a child. I loved flying dreams. It was so real. I could feel myself soaring through the sky – grazing over pine cone trees. I was energised, fast and it was like being on some crazy high with more than mild disappointment when I woke up. I still crave those dreams like a crack addict chasing that first hit of blood vessel dilation and a 47 second rush of blood brethren to the head . Falling dreams were intense, remember those? I remember free falling unboundedly from a great height. With a seemingly frog-like croak, I could feel my heart leap up into my throat. I was going to flounder and land and smudge the ground with a body made of lead. It was going to happen. The only thing that stopped that dream was I woke up.
Did I hit the ground jolting me back to consciousness? I don’t know but it was intense and an adrenaline rush. Terrifying but one I would invite back.
The craziest dreams I’ve had are the ones I swear I have been awake. One dream was when I was about 10 years old – in my bedroom, we kept the washing machine there. One night I woke up to the washing machine churning furiously. It wanted my attention. It was spinning around so fast I thought it would take off. I was paralysed. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream. I’ve had a few of these kinds of dreams in my life and they do genuinely scare me because my eyes are open and I am awake!
Sex dreams are a bit embarrassing, right? erm…. won’t
go into that one unless asked – Hahaha.
r dream I had aeons ago as I heard the phone ringing. I was too lazy to pick it up. It rang and rang and rang. Eventually, I picked up the receiver and I woke up with my hand stretched up and out as if to hold a phone. Strange surreal shit.
So does anybody else have any dreams they want to share? I have an odd feeling that pouring my sub- unconscious self onto E-paper will start a cycle of more dreams. Wish me luck.
No more sex
s, please! I feel like converting to catholicism when I have one. Do you want to have a go analysing your dreams?
HAPPINESS :Do you know where you are going?
SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Verbalise in words exactly what is is you want
TRADITION: Shinto ema (consecrated/dedicated vow plaques)
DATE: Any -time
Who wants to be happy? I do. That is why I created my ‘Global happiness’ page and I know I am not alone. We all want to be happy. What does happiness mean to you? Happiness is not permanent and is rather fleeting – episodic. I know that money can make me happy for a bit. I mean I don’t need loads of it but in our world to have a bit of money helps. What about things like being good at your job? Being in an awesome relationship?
Here is the plain fact, if you are unable to define what makes you happy-then you are going to find it rather exhausting to find it. Through-out Japan dotted about are what are called Shinto temples ( which are kind of like shrines –Shinsha means ‘place of Gods’.
For a few hundred yen, people write down their wishes, wants and what they hope for, they decorate these plaques, or ’ema’s’ as they are officially called, with images -a popular one being a horse
In a fascinating article about connections with the rest of Asia, Mark Riddle looks at the subject through the lens of the Indo-European cult of the sacred horse. He identifies the principal features as follows: Horses were sacred symbols which were associated with a fertility cult and with rain. A white horse symbolised the sun and was often used in ritual sacrifice. Horses were also associated with death and funeral symbolism.
If one thinks of Mongol warriors, then clearly the horse was a vehicle of power that enabled its rider to dispense death and destruction over wide areas. It was quite literally a seat of authority. To a lowly peasant, the fast moving creature must have seemed imbued with an air of divine power. It’s but a short step to imagine the horses descending with their godlike riders from heaven. Something of this clearly entered Japan at a time when Shinto was still in the process of formation
People ask for a number of things. They are very specific in asking and writing down what they want, so it can be
To get a new car
get a job that a person wants
It could be to want someone who is going through a bad time to change it into a good outcome.
Each plaque or ’ema’ hung up , adorning the temple for the Kami of the Gods to read ( a loose interpretation)
I know that for myself that when I don’t know where I am headed in life -life can almost feel paralysing. Questions like what am I doing here? What must I do with my life? can drag you further and further away from happiness. In my own life I have gravitated to drugs and to becoming so unwell mentally because I didn’t know what would make me happy. I had a bow and arrow (tools) but I was aimless. I didn’t know what or where to aim to achieve a sense of happiness.
The ema plaques can easily be adapted to the western way by writing a wish list.
Where do I begin? you ask.
Go deeply into your mind and think how you want your life to look.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE?
I want to be at peace with my body, I want to move away from my current home and work in the mental health sector – specifically I want to be employed by a mental health charity to help support people who are struggling with their mental health and I want to be a part of eradicating the stigma attached to mental illness. This is why I volunteer with mental health charities. It is why I put so much effort into going to every meeting, to do any workshops and training to achieve my goal at what I think will make me happy.
WHAT EXPERIENCES DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?
I want my wedding day to be a happy experience, I want to experience being pregnant in the relationship I have now. I want to have another child and have a chance to embrace motherhood in a way I couldn’t imagine when I was pregnant with my daughter. I want to move away from living in a council home and be able to afford to live in a bigger home -a family home that is decorated to my tastes. I want to get out more. I want to go visit my family in South Africa and Miami.
WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU WANT TO BE?
I want to be a person that is easy to talk to, someone who sees the silver lining in every situation no matter how bad the circumstances. I want it to inspire people that life is liveable and happiness is within their grasp. When people see me I want them to be glad to see me. I want to be a person who laughs a lot, is affectionate. I want to be the person who feels the fear but goes with it. I want to not be caught up in how I look all the time. I want to be emotionally secure and to let go of the past completely. I want to be spontaneous and go out and see more of the world. I want to be a person who people find comforting. I want to be a person that is successful in my career, being a Mom, wife, daughter, grand daughter. I want to be a person who has more friends. I want to be that person who is always psyched up to be healthy and active.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH?
My family- my partner, my daughter and other children I hope have, my Mom, my cousins, my Dad and sister and step Mom, my Nan, my uncles and my friends old and new. I want to be a part of people’s lives who are in recovery or trying to become mentally well. I want to work well with work colleagues.
All you need to do is what I have done. Write it or type it! Do it! Aim that bow in some direction -a direction you want it to go in.
The message is this: by expressing your inner desires in a more crystallised form -something you can see down on paper or in front of you ; the more likely you will know in which direction you want to go. You will have goals and these will be your own set of landmarks on your journey to be happy in life.
How do I wish you a great day without addressing the past?
Memories are usually a good place to start.
Let’s forget about the bad ones.
No room for improvement in a negative mind state.
You taught me how to fish.
That was cool because I actually caught a fish but I was not impressed when you threw him back into the ocean – he was too small to eat.
You taught me a valuable lesson:
Compassion and what is necessary.
That night I was sitting on the step, crying. Mom was going through a tough time. Nobody understood how ill she was and you sat next to me and begged me not to follow in my Mom footsteps. I would never live a life with joy.
I learnt that enemies can want the same thing and can come from two completely different viewpoints . Ma never wanted me to follow in her footsteps either.
I remember the day I baked you a cake. You came over to Nan’s and you were sobbing. My great granddad was not well.
You taught me that there is a lot that goes inside a person’s mind and just because they don’t express emotion all the time, it doesn’t mean they care any less.
I remember trying to get to know each other in 1994. My holiday and first time back to South Africa in 6 years.
I sensed you were trying to talk . To break the ice. It is a pity my sister in her teens and a little shit at the time and you had to act as the buffer.
I learnt that vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. I learned that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes us say ugly things. I am only sad you didn’t try again to speak to me -one on one.
I remember on that same holiday we went on a safari. It was a treat and one of the best days of my life.
You taught me that you did indeed care about my happiness and you wanted to create happy memories.
The truth is we are not close for so many reasons. I am so over blaming. It’s unproductive and the truth is we do things that we think are the best for each moment we live.
I understand this because I am a parent.
I know it is hard to instigate a conversation with someone you barely know.
I know you may have feelings about what you could or should have done differently.
Let’s not get too hung up on what we could have done.
Focus more on today and what we can do today.
Want to hear something funny?
I may not know you very well but I have kind of ended up getting married to a man whose birthday is two days apart from your own. I am actually marrying my Dad, in a crazy roundabout way.
Before I end this -I want to thank all those silly quizzes you do on Facebook.
Who would think that I can learn so much about you based on a trivial quiz?
We may not be close but if anything happened to you and I held you in my heart with resentment and bitterness, I would never forgive myself.
I do love you, Dad.
There is some ethereal sense of commitment I have to you. I can’t give you up. I have tried but I won’t give up on you -ever.
I know my illness scares/ scares you.
I am much more self aware th
I know you do but I want to feel you see you and hear your voice.
Have a great day , Dad -from the U.K. to S.A.
HAPPY FATHERS DAY
ese days. I don’t blame you , Dad.
All I wish for is to get to know you better. To sit down and have a chat, laugh and I want to look into your eyes and I want you to hug me and tell me you love me.
29 responses to “Strange Blood”
wow that was intrigueing. came out so truthful and full of belief.
Morning Jennifer 🙂 life is way too short for me to get hung up on resentment and being bitter. xxxx
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All these emotions are suddenly flooding in! Lovely post. 🙂
Yup . I totally wear my heart on my sleeve. Cant you tell ? 😀 HA HA!
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I responded a little while ago. I had to delete it. I saved it and did not want to post it on your site.
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Beautiful and heartfelt words. Thanks for opening up and letting us peek into your world.
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You are one of the most open and honest boggers I have found. And I love the images you use to enhance your posts. Have a great weekend.
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Wow! What a lovely thing to say. I will be thinking of you this Fathers day xx You have a great day too.
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Beautifully written and so honest.
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T Y Bradley 🙂
I love this…you are truly your own woman now. This is a post written by an irrepressible woman with masses of wisdom. What’s special is you can extract meaning from the emotion. It is meaning and wisdom that I’m sure a lot of people will be able to connect with nuggets of wisdom that they may never have arrived at themself without you writing this. With lots of love from your virtual bridesmaid 😊💖🙋
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My Queen Bee. You truly know how to make a person feel special. You always champion what I write and it means so much to me. I just want you to know I think you are an incredibly empathetic person and I hope one day we will meet. You are a very special person indeed xxxx Much love
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I have tears in my eyes reading this Natasha…thank you so much for what you’ve said 💖😘 Your writing touches me deeply. You’re one of my favourite writers, and I’m not just saying that to suck up. I mean it, and I never say things I don’t mean. Your authenticity is very appealing to me and it shines through in your writing. I was just reading your fab post about class and I feel I’ve learned a lot about you-it was very thought provoking too, and I value people with a past, whose past has made them irrepressible like you are, and I think how I am too. Athough our experiences have been different we are quite similar on a soul level. 😇 I think you’re totes amazing and I too would LOVE to meet. We live in the same country, we’re blogger kindreds, it’d be daft not to! Haha 😆😂 💜💖💙 Xxxxx Wedding countdown continues, eeeeekkkkkkkk! 😘🙋
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Stop! we are both going to be in tears soon. After the wedding maybe… I think a Blog I follow is trying to get Bloggers to meet up in Manchester or Leeds. I will need to go through my emails because it was a while back when I got the email. Soul sisters forever xxx
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Absolutely fantastic post…..Your dad will be ‘moved’ by this….Loads of Love and Hugs! ❤
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Thanks Babs. I don’t think he will read it. He doesn’t know I Blog and if he does he has never mentioned it but I wanted to put something positive out in the universe. I look at how Gaz is with my Bee and he is such a fantastic father. Children do need both of there parents if possible. Have a great week end hugs back x
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More importantly, you benefit from having written this…Enjoy your week-end. Hugs! ❤
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Thanks and you too 🙂
This is so beautiful Daisy, you are truly an amazing loving person, always moving forward with such strength, and clarity, I hope you get all your wishes, lots of love xx
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Aaaaaaaw thank you Brooke. I’m not that amazing- just trying to do the right thing xxx
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Oh Daisy, this was so heartwarming, poignant, loving, sad and beautiful all at the same time.
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thanks Miriam. Straight from my heart xx
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