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GRADUATE OF LIFE

 haven’t had my graduation ceremony yet and with all that has happened this year, I totally forgot that I have finally finished my degree. My other half was going ballistic (in a good way) and looked at me and asked me why I looked so down. I guess either I am still in shock or I don’t think it is that big a deal compared to what other goals and shit I have had to focus on this year. So let me high 5 myself and reflect on how the path to get my degree became – the successful one.

Way back in 2007,I had just come out of the hospital with a BMI of 16. I enrolled at my local college in the U.K. to do my BA in acting performance.

I was with a lovely group of talented individuals and managed one term. I was quickly losing more weight again and my mental health went down. I could not maintain a low BMI. I either had to go lower or higher and I went lower. I managed to get merit (when they still called it that) for my classical acting. How amazing is that?

I wanted to engage with my group but I couldn’t shift the anorexia. I had become a sub-host to it.

Back in 2008, I decided to have another go at it. I had gained a normal amount of weight. I met a seemingly lovely man who swept me off my feet. He worked in the army and ended up going on tour for 3 months in Canada. I went to live in Barcelona with my Aunt for a few months and partied hard. Hit Ibiza with my cuz and when I came back to the U.K I was ready to piece my life back together.

The night I arrived back in the U.K. was the same night the army guy got back and he came straight to see me, bringing me little gifts back from his tour. I was so touched and couldn’t believe we had another chance to get to know this one another again and give him my heart. I invited him for a meal at my Nan’s house the following evening as he was rather ‘fatigued'(such an elegant way of putting it)  from his flight.

The following day he texted me to tell me he was getting his car serviced and would see me later. Later turned into 6pm And 8pm and then 9pm. The curry was losing it’s cool. I rang him asking him why he hadn’t pitched up and he completely dissed me on the phone and told me he was with his family and I can’t make him choose his family over me! WTAF?

If he had explained that he wanted to be with his family then I would of got it.-The lovely army guy broke my heart. He didn’t want to be with me. I internalised all this as my fault. I had put on weight, I had been homeless and had recently found somewhere in the U.K. to live and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I remember walking my Nan from my new home to the bus stop and I broke down. I didn’t know how much I liked this guy until I felt my heart tearing. Each sob caused another tear and another.

In 2009 I was finally in a better place and I was ready for another attempt to get a degree in the arts arena. I started a  two Foundation Degree with 24 students. By week two that had whittled down to 7 students. Again a totally different bunch of lovely people. I fucked up. I stopped taking my meds. I was trying so hard to fit in but I guess I felt a bit intimidated by all the talented actors and talent. I didn’t know then that they were all just as frightened of failing as me. At first I  was coping and I managed to go out get wasted and silly and form friendships. Standard uni stuff. One night a girl on my course rang me and told me to come out. She said the night was on her. I got dressed and put on my party face even though at that time I was taking 100 laxatives a day.

When people asked me out I would say ‘Awesome. I will be there’  I had a bad habit and once I had taken those tablets I was ill. I mean of course, I had the shits. Haha. Never thought I would be typing this but the moment before I purged I had stomach cramps that pushed and pulled and stabbed at me from the inside. I couldn’t walk from the spasms. SO that night I gave a big fuck you to Anorexia and went out to have some fun and bond with some friends.

My taxi pulled up at ‘the only reputable club’ in that locality and I saw my college friend wave at me and she was laughing and she gave me £50 and told me to come with her. It was a bit. Well, I was sober and everyone else was hammered. I didn’t find it funny. I wasn’t in the zone yet. I went to the bathroom and then I went to look for the pack and I couldn’t find them anywhere.

My mobile battery died and I turned around to the first person I saw to ask that person if I could use their mobile. I happened to bump into the person who went on to degrade and disrespect me in the most colourful and inventive ways. I couldn’t find anyone so we went back to mine and drank until………… I passed out mid-sentence.

This guy wouldn’t leave me alone. He was lovely at first but really full-on. I tried to back away. My friends told me he looked creepy.Leave him alone.

A guy from uni came up to me and told me that creepy ex was well and truly creepy and to stay away. Did I listen? no, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I melted into his world. At first it was flattering that someone would want to be around me so much. I didn’t think I was going to get in a relationship with him. I was trying to make friends and I had my eyes on someone else.

Out of respect to my daughter, I won’t go into a diatribe of events. He tried to take my soul. When he couldn’t have all of me he came up with a cunning plan to try and take my life away from me. Our daughter. During this time I could feel Anorexia clawing it’s way back inside. Cold, damp and merciless. I couldn’t allow it home again. I reached out to a couple I know and went on to meet my future husband to be. Before you judge- I have had my karma. I nearly lost my daughter as you may know from previous posts.  I had time on my hands. Instead of being a full-time Mom to my daughter, I was a 10 hour per week Mom instead.

I decided while I battled it out in the court arena with social services and my creepy ex I would resume my studies. This time not in a mainstream uni but an online one. I worked my toosh off and today I can say I am a graduate. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my partner and my family.

DON’T JUDGE -if you can help it.  That is a huge lesson I’ve learned. This piece of paper means so much more than the letters printed on it. It is a symbol – a tangible piece that reminds me of how I got to this place where I am today. I’m a bride to be with a gorgeous daughter who will be four in October. I’m working with mental health charities and I am a stable weight- super healthy. I don’t smoke. I drink mostly water ( with the odd cocktail of course) , I exersise. I am a success. I am proud of me. No one can take that from me. I won’t let them. Always be ready to learn a bit more. I may have officially finished learning but I will not let that stop me from learning in other ways. I treat every experience in my life as a learning curve. Always look for the silver lining no matter how bleak.

Even Academics can get into Violent relationships

 

I AM SO A GRADUATE WITH A BACHELOR OF ARTS WITH HONOURS (in the arts and humanities)

I haven’t had my graduation ceremony yet and with all that has happened this year, I totally forgot that I have finally finished my degree. My other half was going ballistic (in a good way) and looked at me and asked me why I looked so down. I guess either I am still in shock or I don’t think it is that big a deal compared to what other goals and shit I have had to focus on this year. So let me high 5 myself and reflect on how the path to get my degree became – the successful one.

Way back in 2007,I had just come out of the hospital with a BMI of 16. I enrolled at my local college in the U.K. to do my BA in acting performance.

I was with a lovely group of talented individuals and managed one term. I was quickly losing more weight again and my mental health went down. I could not maintain a low BMI. I either had to go lower or higher and I went lower. I managed to get merit (when they still called it that) for my classical acting. How amazing is that?

I wanted to engage with my group but I couldn’t shift the anorexia. I had become a sub-host to it.

Back in 2008, I decided to have another go at it. I had gained a normal amount of weight. I met a seemingly lovely man who swept me off my feet. He worked in the army and ended up going on tour for 3 months in Canada. I went to live in Barcelona with my Aunt for a few months and partied hard. Hit Ibiza with my cuz and when I came back to the U.K I was ready to piece my life back together.

The night I arrived back in the U.K. was the same night the army guy got back and he came straight to see me, bringing me little gifts back from his tour. I was so touched and couldn’t believe we had another chance to get to know this one another again and give him my heart. I invited him for a meal at my Nan’s house the following evening as he was rather ‘fatigued'(such an elegant way of putting it)  from his flight.

The following day he texted me to tell me he was getting his car serviced and would see me later. Later turned into 6pm And 8pm and then 9pm. The curry was losing it’s cool. I rang him asking him why he hadn’t pitched up and he completely dissed me on the phone and told me he was with his family and I can’t make him choose his family over me! WTAF?

If he had explained that he wanted to be with his family then I would of got it.-The lovely army guy broke my heart. He didn’t want to be with me. I internalised all this as my fault. I had put on weight, I had been homeless and had recently found somewhere in the U.K. to live and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I remember walking my Nan from my new home to the bus stop and I broke down. I didn’t know how much I liked this guy until I felt my heart tearing. Each sob caused another tear and another.

In 2009 I was finally in a better place and I was ready for another attempt to get a degree in the arts arena. I started a  two Foundation Degree with 24 students. By week two that had whittled down to 7 students. Again a totally different bunch of lovely people. I fucked up. I stopped taking my meds. I was trying so hard to fit in but I guess I felt a bit intimidated by all the talented actors and talent. I didn’t know then that they were all just as frightened of failing as me. At first I  was coping and I managed to go out get wasted and silly and form friendships. Standard uni stuff. One night a girl on my course rang me and told me to come out. She said the night was on her. I got dressed and put on my party face even though at that time I was taking 100 laxatives a day.

When people asked me out I would say ‘Awesome. I will be there’  I had a bad habit and once I had taken those tablets I was ill. I mean of course, I had the shits. Haha. Never thought I would be typing this but the moment before I purged I had stomach cramps that pushed and pulled and stabbed at me from the inside. I couldn’t walk from the spasms. SO that night I gave a big fuck you to Anorexia and went out to have some fun and bond with some friends.

My taxi pulled up at ‘the only reputable club’ in that locality and I saw my college friend wave at me and she was laughing and she gave me £50 and told me to come with her. It was a bit. Well, I was sober and everyone else was hammered. I didn’t find it funny. I wasn’t in the zone yet. I went to the bathroom and then I went to look for the pack and I couldn’t find them anywhere.

My mobile battery died and I turned around to the first person I saw to ask that person if I could use their mobile. I happened to bump into the person who went on to degrade and disrespect me in the most colourful and inventive ways. I couldn’t find anyone so we went back to mine and drank until………… I passed out mid-sentence.

This guy wouldn’t leave me alone. He was lovely at first but really full-on. I tried to back away. My friends told me he looked creepy. Leave him alone.

A guy from uni came up to me and told me that creepy ex was well and truly creepy and to stay away. Did I listen? no, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I melted into his world. At first it was flattering that someone would want to be around me so much. I didn’t think I was going to get in a relationship with him. I was trying to make friends and I had my eyes on someone else.

Out of respect to my daughter, I won’t go into a diatribe of events. He tried to take my soul. When he couldn’t have all of me he came up with a cunning plan to try and take my life away from me. Our daughter. During this time I could feel Anorexia clawing it’s way back inside. Cold, damp and merciless. I couldn’t allow it home again. I reached out to a couple I know and went on to meet my future husband to be. Before you judge- I have had my karma. I nearly lost my daughter as you may know from previous posts.  I had time on my hands. Instead of being a full-time Mom to my daughter, I was a 10 hour per week Mom instead.

I decided while I battled it out in the court arena with social services and my creepy ex I would resume my studies. This time not in a mainstream uni but an online one. I worked my toosh off and today I can say I am a graduate. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my partner and my family.

DON’T JUDGE -if you can help it.  That is a huge lesson I’ve learned. This piece of paper means so much more than the letters printed on it. It is a symbol – a tangible piece that reminds me of how I got to this place where I am today. I’m a bride to be with a gorgeous daughter who will be four in October. I’m working with mental health charities and I am a stable weight- super healthy. I don’t smoke. I drink mostly water ( with the odd cocktail of course) , I exersise. I am a success. I am proud of me. No one can take that from me. I won’t let them. Always be ready to learn a bit more. I may have officially finished learning but I will not let that stop me from learning in other ways. I treat every experience in my life as a learning curve. Always look for the silver lining no matter how bleak.

Life -unbitten by bitterness

Don’t let life, and how other people treat you to allow you to become bitter. Don’t expect people who keep the same company to be on the same level as you. Be a good person.

Remain honest, full of heart and genuine.

You do not owe anything to anyone who chooses to disrespect you or your values.

Remember – we all have our own way of coming to a conclusive thought or opinion. We are human and we feel and it’s okay to talk about our feelings and thoughts.

People are influenced by the company they keep (an observation).

Protect yourself, keep yourself safe -especially when you are a person who has a lot of empathy, and time for others.

Let other people talk, critique, gossip about you. It doesn’t matter what people do or don’t say who isn’t in your life.

Remember who you are.

We learn every day of our life.

Stay around people who ask how you are, who cares, who stick up for you. Forget about those who don’t.

Give people the benefit of the doubt but don’t ever allow anyone to disrespect you or bring you down. Or make you feel that your values are being disregarded.

Don’t hate. Let people find their own path.

Lessons I’ve learned lately. Opinion is not always the truth. I can’t be responsible for what a person understands.

Copyrighted Natasha bodley

Mr Tut Tut

I thought I’d succeed this time .

I’d die reciting poetry under my favourite duvet ..

Perhaps listening to music.

Nearly ended up sectioned .

Making the most of a new day.

No serious damage except to my ego.

I’ve never felt so ashamed at failing to take my own life as this attempt.

Why ? Cos I’m still fucking here.

Apologising to people for not wanting to be here.

Time to keep going.

Moving to a new home is a priority..

This house is a poltergeist.

It feeds my need to keep bleeding.

Tired now.

I love my husband

My mommy & daughter.

3 good reasons to state that I’m

Still breathing.

]

Hermit hymn

*To be revised*

 

I write about the hermit man

He often takes me by the hand.

Lost to gravity a  fan falls

The same one I use to navigate the wind.

 

Pushed me forwards never touching my body.

Motivated a will to resurrect forgotten seeds of hope

Planted for days when there are more downs than ups.

 

This son of a mother pulled out the brazen sun – shed the waning Luna

Roused the Apollo within

  stumbled about -gaze upwards  until

 in sight caught winged creatures

Caught a glimpse of the emotion of flying free.

 

The knowledge found  in a bare, withered  tree

Stem cell life.

 Presumed  the creature lived in my shadow

Turns out  it  had a growth spurt in

An external effort to shirk off the title of the saviour’s chosen one.

He who wears the hallow

Crucified by the unsynchronised dubbed over mouths

Pitched sounds out a  smoke effect bellow.

Can I get a score?

 

Few get to see his fallen wings

Unless preparation  sees an alternative

look to familiar skin.

 

That ole devil called love

Billie holiday thanks for the speckled dove.

 

Highs & lows

hi’s and by’es

 

High light

 at what remains

A pint of Bitter froth decomposed lost in the train of thoughts.

How the sun shine when it comes out.

blossom in spite of mood.

 

Life

you

I

we

Aren’t  vapid merely  short-sighted when  grey-bearded clouds appear

stubbled by  the  5 o clock shadow

 

Stunted by  growth paradigm

tuned into that dark cosmos we know is responsible for feeling so dim.

A connection to a  reflection of original purity to contrast moments we believe we don’t deserve to move forward.

Clandestine cloaks conceal our original sin.

 

This ongoing duet I sing with a feminine hymn

scintillates my belly until I feel the fire lit again from within.

 

Just a few words

 

It’s not dementia

Some folk say I speak too much

I say that’s rich.

 

I’m not even 40 years old & my bones are crumbling

Hind sights a bitch

Hell – a sight so unappealing

it brings me out in an itch

A rash of nervous eczema.

 

Today is my first adventure

with my partial denture

Like life, it’s only temporary

at least I’m not doing time in a state penitentiary

 

I can’t speak

this foreign object prevents me from talking

properly

 

The older I get I realise how naive I was to forget

that my mind is my greatest asset

 

Body, I love you

Looks? you’ll do

I’m yet to find perfection

I’ve almost given up on the pursuit of it

boohoo

 

What is beauty?

Judge we do under a unique hue.

 

Age has its wicked way with us all eventually

I’ll never let go of my character to laugh, be stubborn

go against all adversity

 

No, I  still won’t conform

The shy girl will not come out to perform

 

Inside my pride has been wrenched out of me

And I laugh at the old me

I laugh cos we are so beautiful

We just can’t see what others never fail to see.

You starring yourself

titled  ‘back in reality ‘.

 

Kooky heart

Oh how did this happen to me
The girl from some other foreign city?
Wiley enough to make a plan
Cunning and soft of heart -all my eggs bled before the start of labour
Before the sun came up.
It hid her pain, all the clots of her smiles.
She would coocoo again
for her soul was of one who couldn’t quit even when they told her she was dead.

The simple life

Great ideas and plans sometimes mean delays.

I’m the worst person to put off goals I’m passionate about. I am learning that if I want things to look and come across a certain way, I have to wait.

I’m beyond excited to be approached to be a part of an industry I love. I’m one of those people who will do what it takes to learn how to be the best at what I am doing and then worry about the money.

I do believe ‘money is a means to an end’

I’ve had money and I’ve been on ass and lined up in food banks.

No-It’s not fun owing money left, right and centre.

It’s  a bleak existence not knowing what the true value of money is.

Today-I know the true value of money.

Its value is not a destination.

It’s a means to get me from one part of my journey to the next.

Some people (who I’ve met in my life) wonder why I make out like I have an endless supply of money.

People have come into my current home and looked around confused —

“How dare this “peasant” make out /look  like she is rich”-

First of all,

I am rich.

My idea of wealth is different to the next person. I grew up a certain way and some traits stay with us.

I have also realised the value in ‘letting go’.

No, I haven’t read ‘the secret’ or started an illegal job nor am I involved in work of a frivolous nature.

(If I did want to sell my body or body parts….)

My body.

My life.

Hashtag  “Just saying”

I have Life to guide me. I have my personality, experiences and I have an open outlook on Life.

I am a student of Life.

Be happy. Don’t give your energy to the wrong people, if you do then let it go. What they do with your energy is out of your control.

We gain more from realising the power of letting other people be. It’s taken me a long time and many mistakes and heart aches, falling out with people and picking myself off the floor; to realise I gain so much from everything I do.

The quote

There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned’ is true

Continue to stay to true to yourself. Embrace your quirks and work them.

Flaunt them and love yourself.

Look around you , think of all the people you have loved, admired, bigged up, given a part of yourself to

On reflection you may go :

aargh! what the wtf was I thinking..’

There may be a part of you who is divided —

well that person is different. They are allowed to have an ” ugly” side because…

their talent or looks or status make up for their faults.

We should all prescribe a dose of that empathy and love to ourselves-

I am blessed to have a daughter who is a direct reflection of me

She is my mirror image. I love her and I think she is smart, funny, creative, gorgeous, articulate talks too much, stubborn, a bit of. a dram queen.. The full package.

I love myself too.

I am not a super model in a magazine nor do I want to be. I’m not a model citizen – I would have my face eaten by rats in Orwell’s Ministry of Love and be high/ numbed by synthetic products all the time in Huxley’s world.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy indulging in a  hedonistic life, zoning out watching and reading ‘Trash’ and watching ‘trash’ too. I

Go OverBoard by all means.

Make sure you get back on the boat.

I’m good enough. Be real — not a cardboard cut up of a media pitch advertising how you should act, look and live.

Thanks for reading my morning musings…

lots of willow’s GOATS2BDazee love

the transformation of Forlorn

Hash slinger – dilutes 365 days worth of grapes fermenting in a  cave filled with stolen hearts.

Instigator- in need of ingredients  – list ready not fully prepped but all great recipes need parts.

Dark ale, vodka trail – ‘buy get one free’ cocktails.

E- colorants – fry the mind -a far cry from fresh mint and soul mates kiss.

New beginnings left in a brawl of broken communication,

walking all uphill – alone.

Moving target – pray for the deceased – we may miss.

cuckoo birds sling out freestyle, rap, battle war cries,  on a council estate –   beaks pointed and drawn.

Prepared to engage in battle. A  girl walks by she goes by the name forlorn.

Forlorn found her way back home, in the arms of her significant other.

Her mind and heart she gave away freely to another.

Too many grains of sand lost to shell-shock beach.

Too many thoughts and emotions she stewed over.

One potato – made her believe she was smashed enough and that it was her lucky clover.

Magic happens in all forms of manners.

Butterfly wings eats at the table, always gets a slap to the head from  Peppered head chef.

Escapism signs – she drove her mind around the same block clocking  355 days worth of miles. She surpassed the speed of light.

Infinitum.

 There is a harsh ignorance in being deaf.

Cleft palate.

Third world faggot.

Take offense to the fact the one can be cured by a doctor at liberty, the other could be the one who does the operation.

Connections made in hazy chatrooms- friends first?  denied.

 She let her guard go below waist level.

Summer, trees, fresh breeze- no red wine- only a heart jolted into shame and alienation.

Walking into her shift at ‘club unresolved‘, the room filled with patronly feelings.

Ignored, lonely spell caught up with her when she was having her smoke break.

She drew up a new sheet – the rules of this melody could go whichever way they choose.  One little minor grew into a major.

Tchaikovsky in need for  Concerta of this scale.

Lonely spell  – left without decorating the cake.

Allies can be few and far between-    Forlorn can’t take lonely spell with her into every one of her dreams.

Sweet relief falls like crumbs to hungry birds, not enough to satiate every lost soul.

At least Jesus had his merry sunbeams.

One year of Forlorn clenched fists, post sticky notes reminding her to breathe.

Begging for mercy.

Forlorn only wanted Lonely Spell to let her be another  Venusian friend – not some spicy flavored condiment that would only end up in regretful screams.

‘The Let go’   should bring comfort to sweet forlorn.

Weightless -gravity took hold her.

Luckily  Soul mate was quick enough to tie a string around her emaciated form.

His spirit grabbed hold of her – even when bone turned to dust,

disappearing,

 falling apart at the seams.

Forlorn, not for thinking she had lost a missing ingredient.

Forlorn because she never needed a magic ingredient to make her whole- she blinded her own eyes with a blow torch.

Moment of Epiphany.

A Stray Cat only gets to sleep in a babes cradle,

 if a mother forgets to secure the front door behind her- facing  Fallible street -Eastside of the mansion porch.

 

 

 

Discourse Intercourse

Black sheared sheep – interrupts my sleep flow.

Jumping forwards then backward.

Hit repeat.

He’s part of the clandestine cult thought- process flow.

All beginnings eventually have to come to an ending.

Concerning future alliances- the fork in the path mutates an extra prong.

mind bending.

Altercation.

Allow for the change in shape of an another alternative route.

Cheat decides to look up in dictionary.com what it means to say moot.

Meaning already forgot.

Decision debased on ill-behaved behavior electrifying a footwork track -based on a biracial intercourse toot.

Turn moot into witch doctor Muti, a cure for this malaise oddity may break contact with the shepherd’s compulsive ewe.

Silenced into the next move in the game of life.

Charades,

Chess,

Cluedo .

What is the most Infallible- can do?

Make a fresh start- sell out one pearlised vocation. Many breed the high ground in a scorching sorting hat.

Priorities muddled in an attempt to make a life more longstanding than a welcome mat.

Mathematicians turn up in a state of multiple divided equations.

New lease of life -E=mc^ 2  – it’s all relative – beautification renders an approving look – misread face leads to unresolved complications.

Ratify.

 Sanctify.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

3 am -Hare wakes up to see tortoise break past the time barrier, marathon race. March mad, too young to let his ego sit back -ears push forward in sly.

Morals without a compass, external hard drive.

Clock rings.

time dials erratic – so distant.

Testify to honor all vocations – duty bound to follow the one leading to the most effective change – energy is insistent.

What matters is not to what degree – all frying pans are a sizzle. Take a calculated risk on Heart.

wrenched backward -trust it will not deceive.

Patriotic to the cause of writing until last  breath  ceases – suspended in mid-air -acrobatic chaos,

spectator led into disbelief.

Matter not those who don’t walk the same path.

Respect this life entrant is making a decision on behalf of the majority, swathed- ready to abort the plan.

Whim-sake not the confidence of this indecisive.

 Aim to do better -empath.

Besmirch the elders – radicalize the institutional bonds that bind.

The weight of titanium – Poseidon never lets a nymph stray too far from the seismic mind.

An explosive ending to start off the new year.

Just over 365 days to go.

Dealer?

change this automatic for a  manual stick gear.

 

socsbadge2016-17

 

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