I haven’t listened to music for months.

Crazy but I’ve been trying to find songs that I don’t have negative memories of.

It is really strange having an ‘erratic personality ‘ as one person so diplomatically put it, without me sounding like a head case and relying on diagnoses.

For me when I experience emotions , I experience them intensely- more than the average person.

So I’m listening to this song and I feel so much euphoria – it feels like ecstasy , the same can be said for my other emotions like anger , fear, depression etc….
Im prone to my moods shifting so rapidly – I can go from mood changes that last a few hours to days ( very different from say bipolar).
My brain is actually not wired like others – neurologicaly and that is because of epigenetics & my experiences of what has happened to me over my life time.

I’M NOT CRAZY!
Please don’t encourage it. 😃😃😁😁
I can’t even begin to explain how terrifying it is for me to not have a precise pattern or one trigger that stops my moods / emotions from de regulating.

Imagine not knowing who you really are from one moment to the next.
That is like having an existential identity crisis over and over – not just a once in a lifetime thing that may happen in person’s latter years. 😅.

My default coping mechanism has been to eliminate myself completely out of life’s equation from a very young age.
A bit tragic but absolutely true.
It is so crass for people to label as its coming from a place of fear.
The other side of fear is?
Alternative perception- maybe…
If I talk about the term ‘ splitting ‘ – it seems like I’m warped.
The fact is because of my experiences ( ACES) a person can go from hero to zero in a nano second even though rationally I know that is impossible.

It is all very black & white.
It is a somatic experience.
I know I can’t change what has happened in my life.
I’m trying to learn to change how my body responds because my body hasn’t healed from trauma.
The body has a memory too.

A part of my issues is over sharing and I don’t think it is a bad thing although it can be to my detriment at time as to how people interpret what I’m sharing because I often forget that no person can read my thoughts.

There are many times I feel unable to articulate myself.
So I’ve tried to make myself understood in any form I can to express myself as misplaced as those expressions may have been.

People can have their own preconceived ideas about me & my actions and I’m learning to say : that’s okay.
I’m on my train. I’m on my journey & I can’t take anyone back to the start of my journey unless I write a book 😅😅😅.
Even then I can’t control people’s opinions.

I’m trying to utilise Somatic experiencing trauma solution.

To get back on track 😀😀😀.

I feel elated and euphoria atm.
I need to self regulate.

This song never gets old for me.
The lyrics are like they were written for me.
They weren’t but ..
Every lyric..

03:20 mins .

Ahhhhh I’m eargasimng ( ? ).

I can think of worse ways to feel ‘high’.
I think it is what I do afterwards with that energy.