I’ve avoided listening to music for over 6 months now , maybe longer, because I was afraid of the emotions or lack of emotions it would give me.

Today, i played this song for the 1st time in a long time, I was terrified it would only bring up bad associations and memories; that I wouldn’t get the buzz I felt when I used to listen to it(and other music)-like I did before; that
I wouldn’t feel the depth and intensity of my emotions that I used to.

The highs , the lows,every nuance of Emotions.

I know my brain is wired differently( for many reasons ) and I can only self- advocate that trying to alter my neurotransmitters; chemicals through ( the spectrum of my) self harming behaviours; wasn’t necessary: because I already feel – more intensely and extreme than say your average person. 🙃🙃😃. These coping strategies did serve a purpose when I’ve tried to survive experiences I’ve had.

These flawed survival strategies just confused my inner mission control board to send out conflicting messages to what I was trying to achieve.
I’m still trying to find a stable self image/identity.

I will find better ways to connect with others.
There is nothing wrong with my personality.
I am not flawed in character.

My boundaries are evolving every day.

Forgiveness will come with time and healing.
I have to believe this & I do have hope.

( staying on track 😄),
I know I’ve outgrown many songs as I’ve grown as a person , that scares the hell out of me.
I took a leap of faith & I feel exactly like I did – no- even more present- listening to this song.
I dig my bass 🤣🤣.

Music is as sacred to my well being ;as an olive branch was sacred to the Romans sense of peace 😀😀😀😁.
( random : but I had a dream last night that I was in an Olive restaurant🤣-hence me trying to come up with a metaphor to describe how important music is to me).

It is a place I’ve always been able to lose myself in and to still every other loud thought I’ve had.

Keep playing music.

Reinventing Tasha – authentic to the very core.

Reinventing Daisy – a rose by any other name ?
Reinventing Daisy :true beauty is hard to stamp out?

I like the ring to that .

#wellbeingtools

#SelfExpressionMatters

( going off track yet still relevent to point out),
It is terrifying to have lost my voice through the written word because when I used to write asI found a drive in me towards something bigger than my inner thoughts.

I allowed certain people to crush that identity I had found for myself through being creative & writing.
These people were hardly characters worth being influenced by:
Two examples of things said to me that I am challenging:
I’m (not)just an Entity and I’m (not )Vapid.

My thought process is : why did I allow too many unworthy people in my life( and my mind) who weren’t worth my time or energy?
I surrounded my self with people who would take any chance to put me down because they had such a fragmented understanding of themselves.
So many Insecurities that I allowed them to pass on to me.

I can be very naive , I’ve ended up in crazy situations- situations where my true notice was to connect with people and maybe make a friend..

I have a story to tell and I don’t think many people will believe it to be true because I hardly don’t 🤣🤣🤣.
I’m lucky to have people in my life to verify that many events that have happened aren’t a creation of an over active mind .. I have many scars and my body has an astute memory too.
A memory sometimes more reliable than my visual memories.

I’m trying to forgive ,however there are certain people where it may take a bit more time to forgive.
I think it is because they didn’t just hurt me , they hurt the only extension of myself : another human being. Once I see that that beautiful soul healing from what has happened then maybe I can move on to try to forgive them ( and most importantly myself too) .
This is my hope.
I have to show this important person how to move on & working on myself is the best way to show that it can be done.

I will write again with a clearer , more purposeful and stable voice.
I will read
what I’ve written in the past and see that it has relevance, with the purpose to push me to move on ;drive me to bigger goals.
I was only going to share a song 😅😅😅🙃.

Take a leap and confidence will come with practice .
My ‘on paper’ voice still shakes , it trembles.

I know this is worth it ,because it means I will find a way to integrate my selfs/states into a whole ( me) .

There is another side of fear.
I’m ready to explore it ,to create roots that I’m happy to spread and nurture ;
Create a home and bed worth making every day – no matter the weather.