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Scars -a bloody unwanted reminder
Writing prompt -Scars
One scar I have is huge – it almost wraps all the way around my upper wrist -it is 2-3 cm wide. Indented, It reminds me of a dried upriver.
The cause?
Domestic violence.
Before I continue…
Domestic abuse & Toxic relationships
Rape -NO means NO.
I’m going to state the obvious here.
Domestic violence is a relationship fucks about with your mental health, whether you love the person or not.
Toxic relationships have usually tipped me over into using shitty coping mechanisms like drinking too much, taking drugs, overdosing and not managing my medication or my eating disorder and Bipolar.
So back to the blood river scar.
One night- no
Another night of heavy drinking and arguing, I found me in a house -not mine- that looked like a slaughterhouse. all dirty browns. There was a rusty scent of blood impossible to ignore.
Every time I inhaled, the scent would drip down the back of my throat like a tap -I could taste it too.
I had mixed copious amounts of alcohol with my medication and all I remember is trying to push my ex away with my left hand ( I am left-handed), he grabbed my arm and I struggled back.
BLACKOUT
An image.
An arm.
a massive shard of re-enforced window glass- barbered- poking out of my right arm.
Another image.
the back of my exes legs and back running up the stairs.
PANIC
BLOOD
DRINK
VODKA
WHERE IS THE ORANGE JUICE?
WHERE IS THE GLASS?
WHERE IS MY EX?
BLOOD
DRIP
BLOOD
DRIP
BLOOD
DRIP
BLOOD
DRIP
PANIC
PANIC
An arm coated thick with blood. I wear it like an accessory
Blood makes noise.
I hear screaming.
Mine.
Ex reappears and tries to grab me.
I try to run away.
PANIC
BLOOD
DRIP
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.
Why is my ex naked?
In the middle of the street?
Rolling on the floor with me- trying to muffle my screams with his hand. Trying to stop me from running away…
BLOOD
MIND FUCKERY at its best.
“Look what you have done…” ex says.
6 hours later – location: hospital.
The doctor asks to speak with me in private. My ex doesn’t want to leave my side.
I don’t say anything. quack quack! quack quack! quack quack! the word on a loop…
“What happened?” he wants to know.
“We don’t know. We were drinking. I can’t remember. It was an accident.” my ex speaks for us.
My head bows down,it almost appears as if I am nodding. I can’t quite remember.
What I do remember feels like I have made it up, it is so detached from my mind and emotions. It is about as close to me as Pluto or Saturn.
3 days in hospital my ex never left my side.
Not even to go home to wash or brush his teeth.
I wasn’t alone- my mother was with us too.
I was high on morphine for the pain.
Why didn’t they operate sooner?
Did they want to monitor me?
The situation?
Us?
three days later… I’m being wheeled on the hospital bed- away from the stale, coughing ward…
“countback with me from 10,” says the anaesthetist.
“ 10 , 9 ,8 ……“
BLACKOUT
“1”. my eyes burst open. I gasp a breath. It is like I’ve been living in a homemade sac filled with half shallow water and half air.
Disorientated.
What happened?
I look down at the artwork the surgeon has done.
No more blood.
re-stuffed re-patched, recovered,
by a micro surgical hand.
Discharged.
Back to the carnival freak show.
I enter his home – a massacre.
Dry blood everywhere.
Smell.
Bleach.
Sound.
Scrubbing brushes.
Stubborn blood.
If only it could serve as a reminder of what actually happened that night.
“I don’t remember” the ex says.
How can he and I not know?
Every time I look at my scar I am reminded of the chaos that was my life for 4 years.
This scar says –
mutilation.
despair.
secrets.
emotions numbed.
detachment.
silence.
This scar reminds me to NEVER be silent in the name of so-called love or a sense of loyalty to one who claimed to love me so much he would do anything to keep me.
http://www.vevo.com/watch/suzanne-vega/blood-makes-noise/USIV20300313
9 responses to “Thoughts about Social services & Justice”
[…] recovery college for seeing the potential in me & giving me the chance to do my own 12 week WRAP & then pay for a 5 day course to co facilitate WRAP (promo video link) to give other people […]
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Would Love to give you a BIG HUG!!!! 🤗🤗🤗😘
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Felt that ha ha! ❤ TY X
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Hugs! ❤
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Look forward to Sunday’s sonnet. It’s like reading my prayers. Can I suggest something, Please? . It’s my gran’s 6 month death anniversary and her birthday tomorrow. I’ve kept a trinket box she bought for me . It has a butterfly on it with a quote which says ‘happiness is like a butterfly , it settles on you when you least expect it’ . Butterflies have wings😁😁😁 but do know you like to take your own pics and it’s your blog. I don’t know- a bit of inspiration. Lol anyway catch up tomorrow. Have a fab night
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Ah! Thanks D! Would love to oblige! Lovely thought….and idea! Sadly, not able to respond at the moment! 😦 Be thinking of you…to be sure. Hugs! ❤
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A strong mind headed in the right direction. Brava!
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❤
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Reblogged this on Daisy in the Willows and commented:
It’s good to reflect on our experiences. When all seems impossible- remember what you have already survived and been through. Blow your own mind. Then carry on moving forward.
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