I have to read a few quotes of Oscar Wilde’s 100 page letter to his lover whilst incarcerated in prison for homosexuality called ‘Profundi’ ( read full article at end of post)
A few people I have spoken with about Wilde’s works dislike him.
He wasn’t a sexist. How could he be? He was for civility or equality and many of his musings and poems big up women & make fun at men.He was abhorred by society for being a homosexual.
For loving some one with his entire being.
Most of us may never feel that intensity of love. To love even if your life is at stake, your career – your status takes utter devotion.
Society is cruel,it really is and from reading this post I truly believe that words are our way to freedom. The one thing / people that we are not at mercy to .
Words are our mercy.
Quote Natasha Bodley
A trip to Oxford reading prison is now on my bucket list.
I became so emotional reading parts of it in this article.
One of my favourite parts of his letter Profundi
I want to get to the point when I shall be able to say quite simply, and without affectation that the two great turning-points in my life were when my father sent me to Oxford, and when society sent me to prison. I will not say that prison is the best thing that could have happened to me: for that phrase would savour of too great bitterness towards myself. I would sooner say, or hear it said of me, that I was so typical a child of my age, that in my perversity, and for that perversity’s sake, I turned the good things of my life to evil, and the evil things of my life to good.
What is said, however, by myself or by others, matters little. The important thing, the thing that lies before me, the thing that I have to do, if the brief remainder of my days is not to be maimed, marred, and incomplete, is to absorb into my nature all that has been done to me, to make it part of me, to accept it without complaint, fear, or reluctance. The supreme vice is shallowness. Whatever is realised is right.
Society, as we have constituted it, will have no place for me, has none to offer; but Nature, whose sweet rains fall on unjust and just alike, will have clefts in the rocks where I may hide, and secret valleys in whose silence I may weep undisturbed. She will hang the night with stars so that I may walk abroad in the darkness without stumbling, and send the wind over my footprints so that none may track me to my hurt: she will cleanse me in great waters, and with bitter herbs make me whole.
I AM SO A GRADUATE WITH A BACHELOR OF ARTS WITH HONOURS (in the arts and humanities)
I haven’t had my graduation ceremony yet and with all that has happened this year, I totally forgot that I have finally finished my degree. My other half was going ballistic (in a good way) and looked at me and asked me why I looked so down. I guess either I am still in shock or I don’t think it is that big a deal compared to what other goals and shit I have had to focus on this year. So let me high 5 myself and reflect on how the path to get my degree became – the successful one.
Way back in 2007,I had just come out of the hospital with a BMI of 16. I enrolled at my local college in the U.K. to do my BA in acting performance.
I was with a lovely group of talented individuals and managed one term. I was quickly losing more weight again and my mental health went down. I could not maintain a low BMI. I either had to go lower or higher and I went lower. I managed to get merit (when they still called it that) for my classical acting. How amazing is that?
I wanted to engage with my group but I couldn’t shift the anorexia. I had become a sub-host to it.
Back in 2008, I decided to have another go at it. I had gained a normal amount of weight. I met a seemingly lovely man who swept me off my feet. He worked in the army and ended up going on tour for 3 months in Canada. I went to live in Barcelona with my Aunt for a few months and partied hard. Hit Ibiza with my cuz and when I came back to the U.K I was ready to piece my life back together.
The night I arrived back in the U.K. was the same night the army guy got back and he came straight to see me, bringing me little gifts back from his tour. I was so touched and couldn’t believe we had another chance to get to know this one another again and give him my heart. I invited him for a meal at my Nan’s house the following evening as he was rather ‘fatigued'(such an elegant way of putting it) from his flight.
The following day he texted me to tell me he was getting his car serviced and would see me later. Later turned into 6pm And 8pm and then 9pm. The curry was losing it’s cool. I rang him asking him why he hadn’t pitched up and he completely dissed me on the phone and told me he was with his family and I can’t make him choose his family over me! WTAF?
If he had explained that he wanted to be with his family then I would of got it.-The lovely army guy broke my heart. He didn’t want to be with me. I internalised all this as my fault. I had put on weight, I had been homeless and had recently found somewhere in the U.K. to live and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I remember walking my Nan from my new home to the bus stop and I broke down. I didn’t know how much I liked this guy until I felt my heart tearing. Each sob caused another tear and another.
In 2009 I was finally in a better place and I was ready for another attempt to get a degree in the arts arena. I started a two Foundation Degree with 24 students. By week two that had whittled down to 7 students. Again a totally different bunch of lovely people. I fucked up. I stopped taking my meds. I was trying so hard to fit in but I guess I felt a bit intimidated by all the talented actors and talent. I didn’t know then that they were all just as frightened of failing as me. At first I was coping and I managed to go out get wasted and silly and form friendships. Standard uni stuff. One night a girl on my course rang me and told me to come out. She said the night was on her. I got dressed and put on my party face even though at that time I was taking 100 laxatives a day.
When people asked me out I would say ‘Awesome. I will be there’ I had a bad habit and once I had taken those tablets I was ill. I mean of course, I had the shits. Haha. Never thought I would be typing this but the moment before I purged I had stomach cramps that pushed and pulled and stabbed at me from the inside. I couldn’t walk from the spasms. SO that night I gave a big fuck you to Anorexia and went out to have some fun and bond with some friends.
My taxi pulled up at ‘the only reputable club’ in that locality and I saw my college friend wave at me and she was laughing and she gave me £50 and told me to come with her. It was a bit. Well, I was sober and everyone else was hammered. I didn’t find it funny. I wasn’t in the zone yet. I went to the bathroom and then I went to look for the pack and I couldn’t find them anywhere.
My mobile battery died and I turned around to the first person I saw to ask that person if I could use their mobile. I happened to bump into the person who went on to degrade and disrespect me in the most colourful and inventive ways. I couldn’t find anyone so we went back to mine and drank until………… I passed out mid-sentence.
This guy wouldn’t leave me alone. He was lovely at first but really full-on. I tried to back away. My friends told me he looked creepy. Leave him alone.
A guy from uni came up to me and told me that creepy ex was well and truly creepy and to stay away. Did I listen? no, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I melted into his world. At first it was flattering that someone would want to be around me so much. I didn’t think I was going to get in a relationship with him. I was trying to make friends and I had my eyes on someone else.
Out of respect to my daughter, I won’t go into a diatribe of events. He tried to take my soul. When he couldn’t have all of me he came up with a cunning plan to try and take my life away from me. Our daughter. During this time I could feel Anorexia clawing it’s way back inside. Cold, damp and merciless. I couldn’t allow it home again. I reached out to a couple I know and went on to meet my future husband to be. Before you judge- I have had my karma. I nearly lost my daughter as you may know from previous posts. I had time on my hands. Instead of being a full-time Mom to my daughter, I was a 10 hour per week Mom instead.
I decided while I battled it out in the court arena with social services and my creepy ex I would resume my studies. This time not in a mainstream uni but an online one. I worked my toosh off and today I can say I am a graduate. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my partner and my family.
DON’T JUDGE -if you can help it. That is a huge lesson I’ve learned. This piece of paper means so much more than the letters printed on it. It is a symbol – a tangible piece that reminds me of how I got to this place where I am today. I’m a bride to be with a gorgeous daughter who will be four in October. I’m working with mental health charities and I am a stable weight- super healthy. I don’t smoke. I drink mostly water ( with the odd cocktail of course) , I exersise. I am a success. I am proud of me. No one can take that from me. I won’t let them. Always be ready to learn a bit more. I may have officially finished learning but I will not let that stop me from learning in other ways. I treat every experience in my life as a learning curve. Always look for the silver lining no matter how bleak.
I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.
PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!
I am now in possession of a post-graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!
How’s this going to help me with what I won’t do?
I have a dream.
I do. 😀
One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national. He’s English!
He’s not only English, he is Northern, from West Yorkshire.
I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.
Which we did- a lot!
Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended :D)
What’s happening in my life?
Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.
I’m doing better – I keep making a come back. Oh, life – you little tease!
Dare me to live.
Dare me to succeed!
MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE
Yeah, it’s been.
up and down,
up again ,
very up –
not quite sure
aargh why did that and that and that and ..
did I do that?
Those kind of moments, really.
Surely someone can relate?
Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.
I don’t of any person who is on (high/ highest legal doses) of
Two anti psychotics
Two anti anxiety tablets,
and sleeping medication.
I know my health posse want the best for me.
I don’t bullshit them.
I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…
I made my psychiatrist laugh.
He offered me psychology therapy — again .
I was like:
‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’
All my psychologists have left me half way through doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.
One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.
So, I was like
‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’
Another laugh escapes from Dr J.
He is a legend.
A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦
He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..
I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.
These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.
Talking about memory.
I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .
I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous. It’s all good.
I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super occupied. There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)
I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work, (durr!) Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!
My heads occupied which is good.
How will doing this help me with my thesis and final work?
Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.
Then I will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself and another way of being and expressing him/herself positively, in society.
The opening scene will kind of look like this
I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:
‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’
DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER
It’s all early days and I still have 4 scripts to write, a critique and a character analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.
All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing.
All terribly boring really… 😀
So, I am back!
I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.
Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food for adding me.
It’s a website for us!
I’m a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.
One rant before I go : I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.
If you ever happen to read this
I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF!
That is a wrap. I know. Hilarious! ha ha!
Thank you so much for reading
Time to step out and live real life..
Catch up soon!
What’s everyone else doing with life? Blogging?
I’m genuinely curious to know.
Your own definition of dissident?
Here is the dictionaries definition: a person who opposes the official policy, especially that of an authoritarian state.
My notion of a dissident will be completely different from yours. I am driven by how I reason subjects in my mind, my ethics and morals, my own inner conflicts ad my actions. I say I am a dissident because I hate injustice; I like to think of myself as someone who sees the bigger picture, someone who sees how easily people are manipulated.
A dissident is someone who knows that huge changes are needed in our world. When I think of one dissident, I think of Nelson Mandela- a man who was a radical and a voice of reason in a time where chaos thrived. He was not a hero nor was he a traitor.
He saw the need for change and knew when to be “civil” about the strategy to implement change.
Do you live under a rule you dim oppressive, suppressive or intelligent?
When I think of the words: oppressive and suppressive and intelligent –I don’t automatically think of third world countries such as China or Zimbabwe. I grew up in the apartheid era and I grew up post-apartheid. with the truth reconciliation. The A.N.C. came into power. South Africa – became a ‘rainbow nation’ – not a republic. We had a new national anthem. It’s easy to think that South Africa’s problem was based purely on racism. That was a means to an end. It is one way all governments still to this day effectively divide people. There are other ways – our faith, our age, our mental health, our income, our status. I see the West- Europe, Britain, U.S.A. call themselves a democracy. I ask myself who benefits from this democracy. Capitalists.
When I think of the word intelligence, I think of the way governments train and program human pawns into armies to react, how the media focuses a society’s attention. I think of technology. I see the illusion of money- paper. We kill entire nations for a piece of paper because it is what the governments of the world tells us we need to get us what we want.
Look at what happened in Zimbabwe when Robert Mugabe refused foreign currency. It did not matter if you had trillions of Zimbabwe dollars. What mattered was if a person could supply what was in demand. The things that were in demand were basic survival needs and comforts.
What rule do I live in?
I live in a world of Politian’s well versed in rhetoric. They are all the same. It doesn’t matter who/what they say they represent. The problem is not which political party you represent or vote for.A change in the system is needed. A true global revolution. The world I want to live in is based under the structure of Geniocracy.Wishful thinking? Perhaps… Haha! Well, at least I am thinking.
What do you do to get past a creative block?
Initially, I get scared. I usually challenge myself, doubt myself, feel alone – I want to disappear but my spirit is not so content to be silent. Inside of me, I feel I have a voice and a mind and heart. To not use what I have in a world, where my own daughter grows up would be a fool’s error and a waste of living.
I get past creative blocks by taking responsibility for my own actions, I educate myself, I remind myself that as long as I have hope I’m still alive; there is still a chance to do something with my life.
- Writing is one way
- Giving my time help others is another way I stumble past an obstacle.
- I do not allow myself to be bullied.
I often feel I am alone and then something or someone comes along (as if fate and my own determination collide) that nudges me to move ahead. I often feel like I walk through life with one shoe on and one shoe off. I feel at odds with the world I live in, but I know that the more I reach out and remain resilient and flexible, then the more likely I am to find out I am not alone.
Sometimes, all I do is ‘put pen to paper’ –not giving much thought to what I write. I focus on expelling the pressure of energy and anxiety inside me, in the hope it turns into an ally of sorts.
What’s the biggest difference between telling stories with ink and with the mouth?
Confidence. A person who writes has some degree of anonymity (if they choose). When a person speaks out orally and with confidence (whether it be an actor true inner belief), words and sounds and to visually see a person animated. Talking with gestures and mannerisms is the most powerful demonstration of the potential each human has in them. It is to what means a person uses individual power that is important.
Would you get involved in politics at any point, if given a chance?
My passion lies in the future. I worry about the earth, climate change, how we treat each other and how we treat the life we share this world with – that extends to water, trees, animals, insects etc…
How do you build on your mistakes?
I try to learn from them. My aim is to take something positive away with me and use it to help develop me as a character and an individual. I am a realist who does believe in the psychology of ‘looking for the silver lining in life.
How do they move you forward?
I haven’t had time to analyse how my mistakes move me forward. Sometimes I wonder if I have truly moved forward. I have to agree I do and have moved forward because I’m here answering your questions. Haha! I guess I try to turn my mistakes into productive goals to achieve. Along the way, I pause to reassess my values, beliefs, and I make sure I maintain my personal integrity.
What makes you excited to tell a new story through any the various genre of literature?
I love to research. I love finding out about things that I’ve never heard about. I’m horrified and inspired at the same time by what unfolds around me in this world.
Do you work intuitively or from a carefully mapped-out plan?
Usually, I go with my gut instinct. That’s why this interview is being written now and not in 4 weeks’ time as previously discussed in our chats ☺
Maybe you are good at what you do – the power of suggestion or perhaps my curiosity possesses me to understand more. I do understand the value of preparation. It is something I work on every day. Balance is something to strive for in my life.
How do keep getting better at what you do?
I carry one. I fight for my beliefs. I try to understand where another person is coming from. I move on –eventually. I draw on my support –be it my family, friends, work commitments, hobbies- one being blogging. I use the tools I already have and make sure I find innovative ways to use and simulate the same tools for different purposes.
What’s your next big plan with writing?
I was studying in my final year of my M.A. in Creative writing. I found that I had grown bored with script writing. I was fascinated with Bertolt Brecht’s works- exiled from Germany for 15 years because he tried to use his theatre to being about social & political change. My journey with writing & studying has revealed that I like writing poetry. I love music, so, I’ve started writing what I call #notyouraverage music reviews or G.O.A.T. music ( greatest of all time). I have this vision to get all creative folk to come together & connect, collaborate and create art to express whatever they want to express. How they feel, their opinion of the world. It’s non-violent & a powerful way to get a message across to people. Art is powerful & dangerous to those who want to control the masses. That is why they are usually the first people in a country at war example in Germany Brecht was outed as a dissident for his works that didn’t fit in with the agenda of communism. He put on performances that provoked an audience to think critically about what they were watching. Art has a strong role to play in politics. I believe we can do more for people when we use our power non violently. I digress, I would love to be a paid music journalist. I’m teaching myself how to use the right terminology. I went to uni and studied and got a post-graduate certificate in the Humanities. I did one year of my Masters. Finished the year with merit & decided I wanted to write about music, life, fashion… not stage scripts. I lost passion for it.
How would you define success beyond material wealth and expensive designer clothes, bags, living in choice locations?
Success is individual, personal & unique to each person. I define success as being happy with who you are without any monetary decorations. If I can look at myself in the mirror. and be proud I have lived according to my beliefs and morals and love myself then that is a true success. Life will try and gobble you up, it’s about trying to stay as true to myself and my beliefs that make me successful. Can success be measured? I doubt it. One person’s success is another person’s failure.
There has been a conscious upward *trajectory within the literary scene in the African continent; a thriving emergence in the African art and film as well. what role would you like to play in this new picture celona’s blog has chosen to pitch you in? away from the cliche Hollywood?
Africa is thriving in music & art culture. The rise of Afro-futurism and other music genres shows people are interested in other cultures. We crave new experiences & are perhaps sick of the commercial music that gets played to death on the radio. Music reviews and interviews.
What do you like best about the storyline/mantra of this campaign and tell us how your concepts and craft can influence this community positively?
To be successful, you have to use each day as an opportunity to improve, to be better, to get a little bit closer to your goals.
I’m not a sheep, I have been a black sheep all my life. I chose to throw away that role and I chose a new archetype based on the acronym G.O.A.T.
my concepts are that communities thrive by connecting, helping, and sharing what we know with others.I t encourages Creativity. knowledge is power.
G.reatest O.f A.ll T.ime
Marches to their Beat
Number one, Doesn’t need to compete with others,
Understands the true meaning of wealth is not about cake 😉
One of the Highly intellIigent animals that lives in rocky mountains. These creatures actually seem to be smarter than the average human being, however they don’t have all the technology because of a lack opposable thumbs
How do you relate to the journey of the average writer/entrepreneur character #TheDissident team spotted in your push and strive to the top? Share with us photos that prove an ordinary author could have a great fashion sense?
Then hit me with visuals you think represents the word, DISSIDENT