I lost my temper yesterday, let the anger consume me and took it all out, one person.
Did this person deserve to feel the wrath of all the turmoil and pain that has been festering away for years and years ?
There is a part of me who feels a bit guilty for dumping it all on this person.
I hate injustice.
I hate cowardice behaviour.
I detest people who say one thing and then do/say another.
I loathe people who I allow to take advantage of me.
Yes, I know I am the only one to allow that to happen and it pisses me off.
I let people who shouldn’t and don’t mean anything to me: get to me.
I think (for me) I can see how hard I have fought to become the person I am today,then I have people around me who don’t even know me well- tell me positive qualities that they see in me. They don’t have to say these things.
Then, there are certain people I’ve come across in my life- they all look different yet carry the same traits- who are very quick to point out that I am the one with the problem.
Why do we question people’s motives who build us up?
Do I have issues?
One of them is being tired of beating myself with another person’s shit sticks
The very people who called me a psycho or crazy or something else are hypocrites – somewhere along the line, I found out just how messed up these people are.
I don’t want them to be unhappy or messed up .
My issue is that they make out that their issues are mine.
I take responsibility for my shit – you take responsibility for yours.
I am direct, blunt and an upfront person who wears my heart on my sleeve. I have a lot of love and time to give others and I do allow people to take advantage.
I’m learning, but when I get caught out giving away my energy to those who have never even bothered to respect me or even ask me how I am or even ask anything about me – my emotions build up , then like a tornado the emotions pick up momentum until I can’t contain the wrath I feel.
Anger may be seen as a useless emotion.
In general, I am not an angry person.
I just don’t like people who clearly have their own baggage dumping it all on me.
I am sensitive, I am the kind of person who will sit for hours trying to make another person feel better.
These last few months – I allowed myself to get sucked in, manipulated into feeling the need for a specific person to want me.
In hindsight, I think I wanted to show that person who I had become. I went straight back to looking for approval from someone who I didn’t need approval from to be me.
I am aware I have my own self-esteem and insecurity issues to work on and I do, every day.
I refuse to allow people to take the piss anymore and when I realise they have, my fuse burns up – I come at people like a rabid ,gangster dog.
Possibly ,not the best way to handle a situation because getting angry to the point where I am hurling abuse at someone and doing the exact same thing that person has done to me for however many years or months :is giving my power away.
So, maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said – I am not a person who keeps my mouth shut these days. I have done that for far too long.
I am direct, openly honest , to the point.
Is it fair to expect the same from others?
Yes and No.
If the person is going to be a part of my life then 100 % absolutely
If that person isn’t (as hard as that may be to accept and feel) then I can’t expect these things from a person who may not have these traits or want to give me what I want.
People are going to do what they want to do and so it is always worth reminding ourselves that we too are human and have a bull shit offload cutoff threshold until we act human. 😀
I’m not going to carry on beating myself over the head.
I am going to carry on reaching out to the people who I feel good around.
I’m going to carry on succeeding and moving on with my life.
I had a rough collision with my past and it played out for far too long.
I had this idea in my mind of who and what this person is and my expectations led me to feel hurt.
I’m not expecting anymore: that’s my point.
There is responsibility on both parts but I can only take responsibility for my part.
Always question what other people call you and how they treat you before believing you are worthless and they are right.
Remember not to filter out all the good that people tell you about who they think you are.
Look back at all you have achieved.
Look forward to all you are achieving.
To wrap this up – I live by the motto
I’m the first person to put up my hand when I have done something wrong but I am also going to tell you when I haven’t done wrong – I’m not going down for a crime I didn’t commit.
They say all is fair in Love and War……
I guess there are no easy choices nor right or wrong ones but there are choices and I guess that is about as fair as you can get.
2 responses to “Self medicate”
This post is powerful because you could be talking about my life 15 years ago. It is so remarkable how your life mirrors my own… The similarities are astounding – thanks for sharing xx
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Thank you for reading. It’s amazing how we cope and suffer for so long.
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