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Savages of mockery

Life is a set of numbers within a market of numbers

And we

the

diminutive 1s

who in our moments of graphic growth grapple for an extra addition to our sum total of flock.

We end up divided by a minion of millions

We are

A herd of expletive multiplication lost to the world

Implicated

in

Watching her frock slashed by our greed.

We are the true savages running our mouths with inequality

a mockery

Hypocrisy.

The demise of the humanitarians philosophy .

The colony

My faith was tested by the colony

The cross bore into my chest like multiple sessions of ECGS

I thought I had forgotten what it was to feel like an honest me!

The strength of survival of the fittest

Compelled hope to flee

Or save me

My choice

Brainwashed for a profit

A racquet

Insidious to true inequality

I’m here

I’m an insurgent

Indulgently

Indignant to all the two faced flags

Denying

denoting

Independent thought

For the books to be written

of/

Off

philosophy

Clouded the dogma that corrupts those who believe in their infallibility

Water – a drop

A drop.

A drop.

A drop

Do not judge me

For my sapling survival

a birth of a scape goat to inscribe the words of a free spirit

With no country

I claim as my own

I am who I choose as my identity

Borderless

No government

No political movement can discriminate against my spirit

For I denounce those who cannot see the truth

In front of them

even when they kneel

Before nature

The only divine death

With nothing to face.

Sincerely,

The unknown scripture of abandonment sans fear

Hope-2021

Here I stand

On a mountain 🗻 of solid gold

Praise be for the choices I’ve made.

The toxicity of my past ends with recriminations with my inner foe

Self-respect glimmers

Good riddance to the self-destruction of the days now old

A clean closet reveals a door ajar

Bestows

a journey of new beginnings

If I vow to lift the cloak of doubt

Find the courage to replace it with hope.

Dissecting Freedom

 I’ve been on Facebook and Twitter this morning and came across this status update.

“How can a Utopian exist in a Dystopia ?”

( author of the source has rights to privacy without breaching any rights/ plagiarism)

My answer:

“It can only exist for the minority and the ones at the top. One great way the elite create an illusion of Utopia is by conditioning.”

I get mentioned in a comment with this reply- from the author of the status update

“Maybe I have conjured up a perfect paradise in my mind. A place where there are love peace and happiness. A place where everyone works towards the betterment of everyone else. A place where people go out of there way to help and support each other. An environment where laws are just and true.

A place where truth, honour and justice aspired by all.

A world where equality, brotherhood/sisterhood and fraternity is second nature.

A place where war and the wholesale slaughter and genocide is abhorrent and inconceivable to all the inhabitants of Utopia. T

he Utopian being born in this ideological setting then wakes up one day to find himself or herself trapped inside this present reality of modern-day existenc”

I think: what an idealist- how can I respond? My Brain is doing overtime.

I respond:

That place in your mind is a place in my mind of what I think would be the ‘perfect’ society. I don’t know why we need to suffer and why suffering continues to go on mercilessly.

I see so many FB posts of quotes about wanting to wake people up to what the governments of our world do, how we are slaves, To stand up and unite against all the injustice, the crime of pain. I have got bored with these posts for what is enlightenment without action?

I take small steps to not be so influenced by a world of decay and diseased minds and I am not talking about people with MH issues. We have been conditioned to be ignorant for so long that it has become an automatic default- we go to ignorance because it is exhausting to challenge our perceptions.

I still do it.

If this world we want existed how would we know we are happy? Do suffering and evil have to be a package deal to experience or wish for something better? I don’t know the answer”

What do I think when I re-read these comments? is, what do we as a society symbolise ‘Freedom’ with?

If you can picture the generous extension of France’s ‘Statue of Liberty’ gift to symbolise the centenary of the American war of independence and a symbol of the solidarity of French and the American friendship?

WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON BEHIND THIS SYMBOL OF FREEDOM?

The burning torch is the ultimate emblem of freedom. When I look at this statue and go back to all I have read about it’s the true meaning. I see darkness. I see lies. I see people thinking they are walking around with freedom, to be who they were born to be.

This symbol of fire goes back to Archaic times.

The myth of Prometheus – the Titan who made humans out of clay.

The Titan who went against the Gods and tricked them.

As punishment, the Gods took fire away from the humans and he stole it back and gave it back to the humans. . In occult terms, Prometheus would be associated with the name ‘Satan’ or ‘Lucifer’.

Prometheus-i-told-Zeus

He betrayed the Gods and tempted to elevate humans to God-like status (in the context) of knowledge and free will. I use the term Satan and Lucifer in a metaphorical/philosophical way. He is the symbol of betrayal.

Helena Blavatsky explains in her classic occult work, The Secret Doctrine Volume 2 (page 244) that, “The allegory of Prometheus, who steals the divine fire as to allow men to proceed consciously on the path of spiritual evolution, thus transforming the most perfect of animals on Earth into a potential god, and making him free to take the kingdom of heaven by violence.

Hence also, the curse pronounced by Zeus against Prometheus, and by Jehovah against his ‘rebellious son,’ Satan.”

https://stevenjohnhibbs.wordpress.com/…/the-hidden-meaning…/

I’m don’t want this post to get too complicated. Here is a summary of my opinion of the duplicitous meanings of symbols of Freedom.

Freemasons/Illuminati – members, know the power of using symbols in business and in governments, to manipulate events so that these events go in favour for the select few. Guess who?

Read these quotes by Adam Weishaupt founder of the Illuminati ( he later said that he didn’t mean what he said)

“There must not a single purpose ever come in sight that is ambiguous, and that may betray our aims against religion and the state. One must speak sometimes one way and sometimes another, but so as never to contradict ourselves, and so that, with respect to our true way of thinking, we may be impenetrable.”

“This can be done in no other way but by secret associations, which will by degrees, and in silence, possess themselves of the government of the States, and make use of those means for this purpose.”

“The Order will, for its own sake, and therefore certainly, place every man in that situation in which he can be most effective. The pupils are convinced that the Order will rule the world. Every member, therefore, becomes a ruler.”

(https://stevenjohnhibbs.wordpress.com/…/the-hidden-meaning-…)

Us “commoners” are told that knowledge is power – yet they hide a large portion of that knowledge from us.

We are told:

Freedom is being able to vote democratically.

Freedom is wealth.

Wealth = happiness.

They don’t reveal how they use these symbols to condition us to think we are happy and successful. We are mere slaves and help a very small elite portion of the world’s population live, in an almost utopian life, of their making, creating a dystopia for the rest of us.

Most of us don’t know we are anything but free.

Think back to the decade before the roaring ’20s.

Victorian times – solemn, sombre, emotions in check moderation, void of emotion.

Then, BOOM! The age of decadence arrives.

Diamonds become ‘A girl’s best friend’-worn by all the stars in Hollywood –

The film industry tells them to wear diamonds. Advertise them.

The message: If you love me -you will buy me a diamond because diamonds = wealth and success which makes me feel happy and loved.

When I am happy and loved I am truly free. There is nothing wrong with this statement

This was a well thought out and executed propaganda. The problem with the above statement is we still believe freedom comes from external things. Cast your mind to the slaves mining for diamonds under the watchful eye of the corrupt Congolese Dictatorship. Not so Utopian and free for all after all?

Another symbol comes to mind when I think of Freedom. The dove. Here is a bit of information for you – ever heard of the term Augury?

The definition of augury is the practice of clairvoyance by a prophet or oracle or is a sign or harbinger of things to happen in the future.

An example of augury is a priest explaining a divine act.

An example of an augury might be the flight patterns of birds.

Remember knowledge is power. What greater power is there than predicting the future? There is no mystical bullshit – governments and people who have their own interests at heart, use the symbol of a Dove to signal that the future holds peace and love.

It is an Aldous Huxley -brave new world, brainwashing, narcotic to numb us.

Subdue us.

All is well with the world.

It isn’t.

I could go on and on so I will summarise what I have learnt about these symbols of freedom.

In my opinion,

True freedom can only be found within oneself. So far the best answer to coming up with a solution to this problem is denouncing all modern society and live in Nature and become self-sufficient and independent. I don’t see many people willing to give up their mobile phones, flashy cars, collection of fine wines, burn up a bunch of millions of dollars to live a life of true freedom.

A snake has the power to kill yet it can be’ hypnotised’ by a snake charmer…

Does a snake have ears? can it even hear music?

A snake has eyes and responds to what it sees.

What do you see and feel when you see the word FREEDOM?

Esther Roe

Charlie met Esther on abortionist roe.

Hedges neatly trimmed – enough to dishevel a bearded vagabond to weep after his latest woe.

No coat hangers to gut the newborn sac.

Charlie stood for hours until her number came up.

Raging

rouge screen screams with a tremulous beep.

Surreal

Conceal

Unable

to strike the star lead role in a Bolly wood film deal.

 

Unsullied arrived in a cumulous cloud

stricken by a thunderous compulsion to wail.

 

Esther didn’t hear the bond lust, lilted scream.

memory hazed -by two fat ladies at gate number 8.

Efforts disarmed – inability to count down to the primal odd.

 

nebulous chlorophyll masked her mouth.

Envy immobilised to an unrecalled dream.

Innocents smile

swinging on tyres.

Freddie Kruger caught in a static slumber loses nightmare credibility to a sterile clinic;

Action paralysing every unconscious scene.

Stratham, London-night defends to keep watch.

Both stumble upon a tidy little room – 1970’s style. No disco defiblerater harmonizing jolts to the beat of

‘ Staying alive ‘

Old granny hoovered up flowers chocked in ivy a patterned carpet,

Mist of lavender lingers. This bitch knows how to spray.

Don’t mess with the O.G.

Peppered, seasoned hair, non-linear lines carve out a facial narrative.

Don’t be fooled by this kungfu hoe.

inebriated illiterates

desensitized to her strategy in a game of cruel cluedo.

It’s all so normal. It’s life, you know.

Scissors ready to stab a beating heart,

Positioned in foetal

Sucked out the uterus.

Pro-choice.

Pro voice.

Pro-life.

Pro midwife.

Tall walled wars.

Bricks bolster the Illusion of affairs in order.

Nobody is scrutinized so fiercely as the woman who maps out her own destiny – navigates the boundaries that her ideas can afford her.

Quality control.

The NHS paid for a private eye.

Two signatures deemed sufficient to see her through the hours of her sobering silence.

Shameless in her flowered disguise.

Ginger nuts, unsavoury tufts.

No, this wasn’t her nine month due – no ice cubes for killing in the name of freedom to govern her own vessel.

No need for pro-life Stepford wives lies.

Sins anoint.

Sins accumulate.

 

Where would our saints stand without a dissident at hand?

Society sits down, protest proudly.

Part the veil of clouds

Peer piously downwards,

ready to strike thunderbolts of judgement.

 

Rain down booming terror tactics.

Esther cares not for their gospel band

Society sips, exhaling wafts of fair trade, Ivory coast coffee beans.

Privilege smells of a modern holocaust of starving babies in bony mothers arms.

Who said any of these women consented to consummate?

Penetrative obedience to the phallic statues erected in morning glory psalms.

Civilized society!

 

What if God was one of us?

a scripture in the making.-

Touch and kiss the sky.

Would he become the true reflection we see, when we catch ourselves about to exhale the final breathe before we die?

Fantasies always signed off with a silver lining and promises of a rainbow.

Reality is cold,

winter serves a plateau of ice.

Frigid flowers are frozen in angst,

Shatter

like glass.

Rebel against their reproductive nature.

Air,

breathe.

One full gasp.

If only a mere raspy rant leaves on its depart.

It’s either them or an urban jungle of homo sapiens collecting another free day ride.

Ready to infect ignorance on every global ocean that has shores that go out at low tide.

Secret words

‘I  have given you words of vision and wisdom more secret than hidden mysteries.Ponder them in the silence of your soul and then in freedom do your will’ Bhagavad Gita

Why have I chosen this quote?

For  those who read YESTERDAYS POST- I STILL GET TO CHOOSE

My fears were indeed unfounded. I think of my psychiatrist  when  I decided to use this quote. Yesterday,

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We are open and honest with one another. The beauty of this kind of relationship  is he leaves the control of how I use the concoction of medication I am on in my control under his guidance of course.

I don’t know many doctors who do this.

Yes, I am on far too many anti anxiety tablets.

Addictive ones. I have been on them for years.

I know there is day that I need to get off them.

There never seems to be a right time. I need to create that time.

Doctor J. put the words out there:

” You are on too many benzos”

(panic starts its drum) .I acknowledge this.

We talk about factors that may explain why I am still not stable (as I have been) with my moods .

  1. not eating correctly

  2. been on the same antidepressants for  over 10 years

  3. the pharmacist’s mistake in the dosage one of my mood stabilisers

  4. Benzo’s make you depressed.

So what is the plan?

change-you-plan

The plan:

  • Up the mood stabiliser.

  • Think about reducing one of the Benzos by a half -a tiny little speck of a half

  • . Follow up with my C.P.N. three weeks from now.

  • Gauge if the increase in the mood stabiliser is working.

  • Decide how I want this to play out.

  • do I feel ready to start reducing the benzo’s?

No! (my automatic response)

Okay, chill, Daisy there is no pressure.

GO back to the quote:

The seed has been planted.-  I have received ‘the words and vision more secret than hidden mysteries’

‘Ponder them in the silence of your soul and then in freedom do your will

 It is only my will that can lead me to true freedom.

How many other doctors do you know who are like this with their patients?

He trusts me. I  do honestly try to use the least amount of benzos in a day. If I want to have another child after I am married.

I do!

I will not repeat past mistakes.

My next child may not be so lucky. He or she may go through severe ,life threatening withdrawals.

I was ignorant the first time round. I have learnt the lesson.

My child is a daily reminder of what I wish for her and my future children.

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So, for now. I get back to my passions: volunteering and training, get my confidence and focus back- then I  am in a stronger position  to make   a decision that will benefit me in the long run.

I read so many other posts where people with Mental health issues don’t get the kind of support and trust I get.

Yes,I am blessed.

I am also honest( to a fault).

There is some kind of message here: Not speaking up for  Fear and acknowledgement of how we cope, can be a natural reaction to protect our mind.

fear-is-not-your-enemy-with-an-open-heart

 

 

Change.

 the word- petrifies me

 What will I do without xyz.?

Anorexia and many other Mental health illnesses have a strong component of control as a symptom. The way to empower us to to give us some control over how we want to be treated and how we don’t want to be treated.

I put together a WRAP plan last year –  my whole professional support team have signed it.

It includes

  • what makes me happy

  • Triggers

  • coping mechanisms

  • early warning signs that all is not well

  • breaking down signs

  • crisis plan

  • treatment plan

  • post crisis plan.

WRAP TESTIMONIAL CLIP      ( it may just be the best gift you ever give yourself or to someone you love. All it costs is a bit of time and effort, I contributed to this testimonial )

I think more mental health professionals should move towards this approach. When a person with mental health issues is relatively well, that person is the only person who knows what will get them back on track.

 I know I am going on a bit here

but,

if we do a bit of work on ourselves and find out what makes us tick -we stand a better chance over improving our mental health and our quality of life.

Just an opinion from a person who has mental health.

Don’t I mean mental health ‘issues’

No I mean – MENTAL HEALTH.

Do you have a mind?

Yes.

Then you have mental health.

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Different  life scenarios and experiences  constantly change, so that you are always sliding along a mental health spectrum between good mental health and bad mental health.

 I have bills to pay and grocery shopping to do today, I neeed to get my booty in to action.

So for now, to  a person  reading this, who doesn’t think they are susceptible to poor mental health;

I propose an exercise.

 

 A challenge, if you will..

Where would you be on the scale of mental health?  ( good feeling 100% well – bad being  0%)  if

  • your cat/dog died

  • you got a job promotion

  • you got divorced

  • you won the lottery

  • you child is bullying at school

  • you find out your loved one is dying from an illness

  • you win tickets to go see your favourite band

  • you fall pregnant

  • you need to move home

  • you are moving to a new country

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Just something to think about.

—-Andrea-Nguyen-copy

Can’t wait to read what other people are thinking about, what is going on in your lives and everything thing else. Thanks for reading.  Time to hit the real world and get broke!

 

Keeping it real

My beliefs haven’t changed. I do believe in the content of my posts. I just want to say that I also have shit days when I don’t feel so accepting of my looks and body and the rest of all that is me. I also want validation through superficial social media websites. The last two days have been pretty fucking miserable. Usually exercise, blogging, interacting with blogs, volunteering, working on new projects and finding ways to be positive with one or two of ‘mothers little helpers; help shift the doom and gloom.

 

Got to give me a break.

Talk and write the truth. This usually works. Write -freestyle it and post. Don’t check if someone may or may not like what I have to say. Minimum editing. None if possible. Small spell check. Hit the publish button, making sure I have attached all files titled ‘vacuous negative energy’ to it, blast it into the blogosphere -somewhere- all the words unravel and collide with an Infinitum of other unread words.

They may or may not get read. Usually, people who enjoy jigsaw puzzles get these kinds of posts.  Guess what? I hate jigsaws!

Bit blunt?  Sure?

 I guess the whole aim of this post is to free myself -Let it all hang out.

So, yeah. I’ not happy and self-accepting all the time. I work at it and I don’t give up. I’m not one dimensional.

I try.

I try to give Happiness and Self-acceptance a secure bosom to lie their heads against. I don’t want doubt, negativity and self hate to  nestle it’s way onto my bosom and go

“Oh look tits! We are gonna suck every last drop of Happiness and Self-acceptance out of them until they a flaccid, wrinkled and bruised.” 

Villainous laughter like “mwahwhwhahahaha” or some other shit. Then they take my head full of shit and slam dunk it. Yes, those three.

They will make me think that me accepting myself and being happy can’t happen outside my mind. They will try and repress the independence of my native tongue. They will find a way to make my rediscovered language seem like a myth– folklore…

It never happened.

There were never words such as Happiness and Self-acceptance. There was never a language that was not approved by them. 

This is why I won’t stop writing empowering posts. Like ‘body image awareness’. Yes, I agree when I try and speak this language, sometimes, I feel like an idiot, a foreigner. I quickly lose my confidence  when I pronounce  it wrong. Use it in the ‘wrong’ context. Oh, how quick my enthusiasm to live freely is so quickly caught up in a net -stenched  in mockery and jibes. HOW DARE I? 

DARE OR TRUTH? I DO BOTH.

I fight to be happy -truly happy- no superficial bullshit

I fight to love my body and me- no superficial bullshit

Always keeping it real

How to forgive.

I think after yesterdays rant -this post needs to focus on a more positive topic. We are only human- not some perfect Deities. I think I may have been a bit harsh in what I posted. Not everyone thinks the same or feels the same or is interested in the same things. In order to move forward we need to let go of our grudges. 

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Grudges -don’t allow grudges to poison you

TRADITION:Paryushan Parva

DATE:Bhadrapada- ( celebrated mid -August -mid November

CELEBRATED: India 

Forgiveness is something our Ego part of ourselves holds onto with as many tentacles as possible. The media is a great example of showing us how little we truly forgive. The saying ‘an eye for an eye’ is more the motto of the day than say the ‘turn the other cheek’ motto.  Our dignity and self respect and our Freedom are the concepts we hide behind to justify why we won’t let go and why we hold on to grudges.

Forgiveness is still seen as submissive act.

‘Me ask forgiveness from   you?’

Oh, please what do I look like, the shit on your crappy shoes?  I’m not going to bow down begging you -for forgiveness,what do I look like?’ ( cue: a roaring laughter, head thrown back for all the world to peer into your wide, gaping opened mouth. The same unforgiving  mouth that has a few missing teeth and a few fillings.  Not so perfect at all.

Sound familiar?  Some people use forgiveness for manipulation and control. The power is  in the forgivers grip.

 THOUGHTS: (Not necessarily conscious ones)

I will make you grovel before me, buy me things in an attempt to make it up to me, you will do this and maybe then I will forgive you. 

We sound like a nasty bunch,, don’t we?

We are not. Pride can bring out an ugly side to our nature.

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A lot of the times we  ‘forgive’because there is no other alternative and because we don’t want to come across as being bitter. I forgive you – you say, in your mind is ‘but I won’t forget this.

WARNING: GRUDGE GRUDGE GRUDGE  WOOOOO WOOOO-a siren and  the flashing of blue and red lights. The grudge police are out with shields and batons – tear gas is stashed in their pockets – to use only if necessary, obviously.Visualise  a pantomime  ‘Mwahahahahaahah’ moment.

Absolute – true forgiveness is not anything I have just described. You probably have already sussed this one out for yourselves.

the-power-of-forgiveness-5-638

Forgiveness is  the sage of teachings held by the people of the Jain faith. 

Jainism is an ancient religion from India that teaches that the way to liberation and bliss is to live a life of harmlessness and renunciation.

The aim of Jain life is to achieve liberation of the soul.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/jainism/

The Jain people annually come together for a 10 day festival to celebrate these virtues. They spend days contemplating and using prayer  with the object of asking to be forgiven and asking to be able to forgive – with an open and gentle heart. The Jain people believe this is the only way to cleanse the soul and to free oneself  from the weight of unhelpful emotions such as hatred, anger and bitterness. 

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If you are to truly forgive someone you must repress the Ego – the pride , be open to feeling a sense of humbleness. Enough, to take a good look inside of yourself and reflect that you are imperfect, just like the person asking for forgiveness or the person who may not know you can’t forgive them for an act of violating you. Does this make sense? It comes down to asking your own self to forgive YOU. How can you truly forgive if you can’t muster up the courage to forgive yourself for your own actions?

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‘I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!’

 You have allowed negative emotions to reside in your mind and take away your own sense of peace and happiness.

So how can you achieve true forgiveness in your life? Without a trip to India -as wonderful  a thought a it is, I would love to go to India one day.

You may have heard of this before but trying writing  letters to the important people in your life and apologise for the time that YOU may have failed them or let them down. You don’t have to send the letters or if you want: send them!

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Here is a challenge to find happiness: Next time some one crosses you or does something to hurt you, respond whole-heartedly and offer your forgiveness. LET IT GO!  You are only hurting yourself holding onto the negative emotions that cling onto you.

What’s the saying?  ‘Forgive- with no strings attached’. It is possible. I have done it a few times in my life We can’t go back we can only do something today. 

the-first-to-apologize-is-the-bravestthe-first-to-forgive-is-the-strongestthe-first-to-forget-is-the-happiest-happiness-quote

 

THE MESSAGE: True forgiveness is the most liberating and a  powerful act to be able to do. Then there will be more room to allow happiness to pitch up a tent and chill out. 

true-vs-false-forgivness-infographic-compressor

 

SEXUAL NEEDS

Okay, this is probably the hardest post I have felt compelled to write. Where do I start? I wish I could express it in a poem but alas, I cannot.  Some people I may know might go -HOW CAN I WRITE ABOUT THIS? SO PUBLICLY? Well, feel free to stop reading right now and go and carry on living in your perfect world of whispers of your true thoughts behind covered hands. Embarrassed to be authentic to you or anyone else. – Go gossip. Does this face look bothered?

 

So, here it is. When I was young and innocent I naturally, like most people do, experimented with finding ways to pleasure myself. I can still remember the orgasms I  had. The pulsating in my vulva. The beating in my heart,  blood racing furiously around my entire body.

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As I grew up I came to know that I was abused by my stepfather and I can’t remember all the details. One memory is all I have: I remember being tied up -hands bound together with a ball if string and someone/him pushing pens up my private parts. I only have this image and I sometimes think I made it up or did it to myself. Something must have  happened because one night,I was getting undressed to take a bath and  my mother saw there was blood all over my tiny 5-year old sized knickers. There was an investigation. Faces coming in and out like breathing in and out of a paper bag. Mouths moving. No sound.A deaf mute. I could not speak. My Mum and I fled my ex step father in the middle of the blackest night. Why couldn’t Muffet come with? Why did she have to stay with that man who used to beat us?

I cried.I love animals.  I spent a few years living with my Nan in South Africa when my Mum was too ill to look after me. This was in the days when she was a ‘manic depressive’ -so ‘crazy’ that the only cure was ECG. It wasn’t her fault she was so ill. I had normal friendships. I had my first kiss and felt the butterflies. The pulsating throb to explore some more.  Experiment.

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Somewhere and at some point I started using drugs and seeking out Anorexia. My family bar my Mother and Nan turned their backs away from me. I was a problem. An enfant is terrible. Incurable and incapable of lifting my brides veil to protest to a union with the devil. I read somewhere that lace seeks to expose and reveal at the same time. I just like that statement so I  have put it into this post.

My teenage years were ones in which I stumbled in a haze of drugs and men. I was raped three times and sexually assaulted many times. I was too drugged up to know or care. Some may say I had it coming but what can I do about that now? Accept it and move one. The last time I felt able to orgasm and completely let my wild sexual being let loose, was the night I had sex with J in the swimming pool.  15/16 years old.

 

Anorexia was creeping it’s way in, like wet clay, into my mind. Each hour, each day it hardened and became more cemented and difficult to shift. I was lucky enough to have a few  men  who wanted to be with me/date me in my 20’s. I couldn’t reciprocate. I was an ice queen. Detached. I didn’t want to be used. All men were out for themselves and would hurt me. Ironically,  I could only get drunk and gravitate towards men that I knew  could abuse me, to the very core of my being. It got to the point where I got stuck in a vicious, degrading and a ‘make your bed you lie in it’ situation.

Yes, their were a spectrum of lovely blues, purples and yellow colours punched on me like a stamp to pretty me up. I couldn’t see the colours in my black and white world as much as other people could. People gasped when they saw me. Looked away. What is wrong with these people?

 

Things got messier one night. I was three months pregnant at the time. We had been out drinking ( that’s the truth- judge me I don’t give a shit) The ex got it into his head that I had been flirting with other guys and  he assaulted me in the street. I wanted to go stay anywhere  as long as it wasn’t with him but I had my cat at his house. This was one of the million times we tried to live together. I was terrified he would torture her or take out his anger on her.

So, I went home with him and he went upstairs and got into bed and I got into bed. I was trying to tell him: I didn’t do what he thought I was doing. He threw me off the bed and got up and opened the wardrobe doors and started ripping the clothes from the hangers and onto the floor. I begged him too stop. To love me again. To forgive me for what ? I don’t know. I couldn’t handle him freezing me out.

His idea of forgiveness was to grab and throw me onto the bed and take me from behind and with each thrust he counted from 10 down to 1 -I needed punishing, he said. Once the sun had made an entrance. We were sat at his kitchen table and I told him it felt like he had raped me. I said STOP. He was shocked and started to cry. He didn’t mean for it to come across like that.

He had warped ideas of love and sex and because I had forgotten what love and respect and sex was truly about, I indulged in his fantasies – hard core porn and a bunch of unnatural shit that doesn’t interest me. I was always drunk when we slept together. I was always the one who couldn’t relax and felt I had to pleasure him -all the time.

Sex was brutal and mechanical.

I remember pouring my heart out to him one night. About my past with men and drugs. His cure!

His advice to help me‘let loose’ enough to enjoy sex again was simply this:

Use my body as your temple’ 

Cheers, great advice. So much happened I can’t bear to carry one writing about what went on.

The truth is no matter who I slept with or didn’t, I  couldn’t arouse anything but a dull knock of a hammer nailing me into a state of numbness. I never sweated, I never felt my heart drumming in my chest. I told men to stop –  when the feeling of what could be an orgasm had started. I got it into my head that every time I tried to just be in the moment and I could feel some kind of stir, some kind of bubbling, a feeling, I couldn’t enjoy it and I had this sensation to go to the toilet.

 

I gave up on the whole idea that sex could ever be enjoyable. I have felt like some carnival freak for many years. Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I enjoy one the most natural and purest feelings that sex expels so exquisitely from the body?

 

I don’t want to embarrass anyone. I have to write what is true to me.  What is in my heart and mind.  I found my husband to be. The one I am marrying in June and he has been so patient with me. I still sometimes turn into a skittish deer, every time I think he wants to make love.

Make love? My brain won’t stop analysing to enjoy it.

Slowly, very slowly we are building up a  more equal and loving sex life where I’m not treated with kids gloves.

I’m adored.

I am loved.

I am alive.

I am made to feel like a goddess.

 

My mind has started to take a back seat. My body moves with his- so natural and primitive. I’m finding that by my true sexual self being basked in true love and respect. I radiate with pure desire and want, My soul is willing to be dominated in a way that doesn’t make me feel like a whore,in a vacant toilet cubicle, with a hole carved into the side wall of the cubicle -a perfect place for a whore to such any anonymous cock for a few pennies.

I’m working on myself.

I just want to be wild, free – to sweat,  embrace the musky scent that emanates from two bodies – writhing,   to their made up rhythmic, hypnotic beat. Each body part finds an instinctive way to place itself and just fits. I want my body to remember that sex is about me enjoying the act too. I’m getting  there. No drugs, no alcohol, no manipulation but true patience, love, trust and instinct.

Shit am I brave enough to post this?

Well, I guess so because you are reading it. I’m sure I can’t be the only person alive that has experienced a feeling of nothingness when it comes to sex….. Well, I’ve put myself in the most vulnerable position ( excuse the pun)  than  I ever have with writing.

Am I ashamed?

 

sNo!

Why shouldn’t I discuss something as natural as sex, emotions and orgasms? I’m not living in the Victorian era. I am a woman, a proud feminist with my own sexual needs. I’m learning to let go. Stop clock watching. Stop making sure the only person to get pleasure out of the act of love is someone that is not me.

 

I am reclaiming my repressed sexual self -Wild, untameable, aroused and unashamed.

POETRY JO’S 3 DAY CHALLENGE -DAY TWO

Day two of POETRY JO’S THREE DAY CHALLENGE 

So, here is the challenge,

For this challenge you need to really explore your grandest dreams for your future. We are talking wild, big, bigger and biggest. Money is no obstacle and we live in a perfect world. What is your wildest dream?

Okay wow! This is tough. The first thing that goes running through my mind, is I want power and to be a success. In fact I want to be one the most successful woman ever. How would I achieve this? I would be able to engage with different types of people. I would learn and study about anything I stumble across that interests me. I have the scene from the movie ‘ Gorilla’s in the mist’  in my head for some reason 

MSDGOIN EC027
GORILLAS IN THE MIST, Sigourney Weaver, 1988, (c) Universal/courtesy Everett Collection

  I want that kind of power and freedom to experience the world in all it’s wonder. I want to make a positive impact on the world. I do. I’m sick of messing up. I’ve done that for over 15 years of my life and it is time to change. 

I want to be happy. Truly happy. Happiness that comes from within. Apparently that is the only way to find it. How? I’m getting there. Society demands me to look externally for happiness. 

So yeah. I may travel the world. In fact in my perfect world ;me, my daughter, my husband to be and my cat Tatiana and my Mum would all come on an amazing journey travelling the world. 

I like to look good. So, I guess it would be cool to have the opportunity to buy  what I wanted:

Clothes

make-up

pets

home 

yacht

plane 

holidays

I can see this getting boring rather quickly. The holiday bit I don’t. I believe there is so much quality and positivity and happiness to be found when you are in a place outside your comfort zone. I would still want to work hard and enjoy my holidays.

I thought about life and death. I don’t know. Would it be my perfect world to see my loved ones who have passed?

Would knowing what happens to me when I die make me happy? 

If I truly want happiness and I do!  then I might not like what I find out and that would make me sad. I like a bit of mystery. I like kind of hoping that unicorns and fairies and goblins could exist. I want to know that when people die -young and old that they are happy. 

In my perfect world I want everyone to be happy, no wars – none of that. The thing is there is no perfect. How can I understand and feel happiness if I have never known sadness. This goes for all emotions. My experiences as hard and difficult and amazing as they have been have led me to this point in my life where I am creating my own happiness. I have character because of my experiences. A perfect world would not fit with who I am. Who I am becoming.

I may have gone off topic here. I don’t have all the answers to end war. It would be interesting to have the power to create peace among people and see how that plays out. I am kind of playing some God then. I don’t think I want the kind of power that inhibits others freedom. 

I want freedom and power to be the happiest and most successful person I can be. I want to protect my family and pets.

I want to write more, read more, do more. Live more. In my perfect world there is one thing that I can guarantee : nobody would know what an animal tastes like except for animals. People would not need the taste for beef, eggs chicken. leather bags, snake skin, fur coats, ivory.. I’m not perfect but I’ve educated myself with what people- what humanity does to animals. There is a documentary I implore anyone who ever reads this to watch.It will change your views forever.  here is the link EARTHLINGS

My wildest dreams and my perfect world are located in the real world.

Does that make me a too much of a realist?  

 The fantasy of want is usually much better than the reality version  in my experience. 

That’s it. Day two down.  Take on the challenge. It is very enlightening . Roll on day three. POETRYJO’S THREE DAY CHALLENGE DAY TWO LINK,