ED flares up
So, I have been pretty quiet on how I have been dealing with my Anorexia lately. It has been hell. I went on a detox in July 2015 and put on weight! Yes! I don’t know how I managed it.
I have been struggling to get rid of the weight although it could have been a combo of muscle too. I am a bit of an exercise bunny. Anyway At Christmas I “forgot” how to eat again. I’ve dropped nearly 8 kilos in less than four weeks.
I don’t need this shit. My mental health and weight have been stable for nearly 5 years. I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m planning on having a brother/sister for my precious child at the end of the year and I’m succeeding in the volunteering/working world.
I tried loads of different non-medication alternatives and other medication tweaks over the last few months. My C.P.N. and psychiatrist finally put me back on Diazepam again at my request. I’m on a whack of meds already ( for my Bipolar too) but the lorazepam wasn’t working any more. I started getting panic attacks around eating again and have survived mainly on water and sweets for a month.
I’ve had hardly any energy to have a proper good work out. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and I don’t want to lose the body I have worked so hard to achieve in four years. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to stay lean. Keep my glossy hair and glowing skin. The remainder of my teeth…
Let’s hope this med change works. Tonight, I’m about to have my first proper sit-down meal with my family in a month. I am terrified. I don’t want to put on too much weight. I’ve chucked all the sweets out and got some good quality veg and seafood. Fruit. Normal food!
I am going to do this and move forward. It’s okay to stumble. I have caught it in time. I want my glow back and my energy. I’ve so much work to do this year. The eating disorder recovery group is happening. I’m still here. I say a big fuck you to Anorexia and I’m fighting back. No more hospitals. I am not a victim.
I am back! Not perfect. Always flawed. I am a fighter.
Posted on 2016-01-20, in MY BRAIN -MY THOUGHTS and tagged Eating Disorders, Emotions, Life habits, Living with Mental illness, MY WORLD, Relapse, self care, self expression, Self medication, self-awareness, Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.