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The suicidal coward.

I’m feeling suicidal

I can’t deny the concoction of escapism acts help keep me in denial.

Too many people looking out for me

I haven’t  had enough time  or privacy to actively find a sure way to make sure I’m undisturbed  absolute in my effort to be free

My daughter deserves better

I can’t connect with her

I’m not blaming anyone else for my failure to join the dots.

A girl succeeded in jumping off suicide bridge in 2019

I wonder if this morning will have an impact on my odds of survival – washed up in the river. The law doesn’t get I don’t want to be saved.

My calculations are all wrong.


I’m not doing this because of an income

9 months later after an ESA inquest assessment

And I’m safe till 2022

thanks for letting me know

Government Orange agent.


It doesn’t make me  happy to know that I don’t have to show up & prove I’m ill

Everyone else has a hard time at proving they are  beyond  over the mental /psychical capacity hill

They are sick


The odds of taking an overdose tonight getting it right are slim.


I need to run a warm bath and make sure I hit an artery

let the blood bad

bad blood leave me

Circulate not from within

I should have this right.

I’m in support of the assisted dying law for those whose  aguish is terminal

a mental psyche destroyed with life’s poison.


I still haven’t eaten.

This isn’t poetry

I’m borderline convinced I’ve lost the plot. I  told too many people my plans & now I’m living with the consequences.

Keep my daughter safe from me

She deserves to better. I m certain that better is far away from a mind convoluted by past & insight into the mother I am not.

Maybe she wrote

Heard the one about instagram being cocaine delivery service ?

Meme- it.

Nah! I just go for the pictures, personally but the deep dark web -hides

mews of creatures -deep- internally.

My world luxed out with a sunny day.

A line scented with silver

made for an olfactory disguise – remnants of rotting fish odor .

Murdered a child – fetus borne out of a reflux screaming match.

Woke up alive -bloated tummy and a 5 month walking nightmare-

It’s a boy – he secreted into every orifice

Raped me


Allowed insanity to become my better face.

Overdosed on affirmations

never have regrets

Turned around and married a man likened to the son of god

Fallen angel -I am

The humor isn’t lost.

Lets do a rewind – I’m allowing requests.

Here I am typing…

writing – spouting off words

Maybe one day it will all make sense.

The one I wrote in 2017


Yeah, I’ve been putting off this post. Why?

I happen to live in a teeny tiny cartoon town where some people know about my blog and read it. That don’t like my posts but when I meet up with them it comes up in conversation sometimes.

I don’t feel I should be blogging if I can’t speak my mind – so to all the judgemental people out there

.I know a lot of other peoples secrets and battles and for the record, if you don’t get me – well, one less person to worry about.

GOOD NEWS -first. I have finished year one of my MA  In Creative writing. Pat my back.I’m waiting for my results for my final piece -the second act to the homeless couple piece and I’m registered to start the final 120 credits in October…

My head and emotions have been all over the place. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed but because I’ve done a lot of volunteering and work with mental health charities I’ve been scared to put this on here.

Here is my conclusion to not being honest and writing for me.

If  future potential opportunities and (other peoples judgements) on my ability to do them effectively is in doubt

Well, I say people can be hypocrites. Just because you work in a mental health sector doesn’t mean you have your shit together all the time.

rant over

In the last 13 days, I’ve probably had about 23 hours of sleep

I decided it would be a great idea not to drink and indulge in another recreational drug

Monster alert

I don’t know when to stop.

My  heart can be seizing up –

,I can’t. breathe,

I meet up with dodgy folk and willingly hand over money to chase a sense of self.

Here is the truth. I hate alcohol, I hate all drugs to be honest. The only drug I ever fell in love with was an ecstasy-rave bunny.

That is not to say I didn’t get addicted to some heavy drugs but I worked through it.

These past days have been delirious.

Who in their right mind will continue buying a drug where the quality varies from alright to fuck I need to go to A&E


I think the females in my family are tough. We are born survivors and fighters and we do screw up. Oh hell, yes.

I don’t know why it’s taking me so long to get my self together.

12 days of pure craziness

Sleazy people. I  have valid reasons for saying this

Things get serious when I’ put in as room with people with no morals and  my attitude and big mouth 

It’s hard to be 100 % honest on here these days. I don’t drink a lot but when I do I binge drink

I gave up drinking for a while and thought I would try another drug. 

Because that is so logical and rational! ewer.. no!

I got skanked by a guy I’ve helped and known for Years.

I hadn’t seen him since 2013. I always went that bit further to help him out when he was having issues.

I’d buy him food, sit with him when nobody else would give him the time of day..

I got in touch with him.

I nearly did a 180 degree turn when I saw him.

He is a shell of the man he used to be.. the drugs do not work.

He managed to score something.It made me buzz for a bit but I know it wasn’t quality shit.

His contact was some foreign sexist drug dealer who spoke  to me like I was a piece of shit.

I told him straight- who is handing over the money and I want to see what I am buying.

My so-called mate took this as an opportunity to ask for a bit and I love to share but I have a life and responsibilities. I helped him out as much as I could.

He is past saving.

I went on a bender thinking I’m invincible. Day turned to night and then day again.

I decided that was it- No more dealing with that person and his lot.

A few numbers were sent to my inbox and I thought – yeah… let’s try again.

Stupid girl indeed.

I was obsessed with running out. So, I made a few phone calls and got in touch with a new drug dealer.

This guy was one of the paranoid drug dealer types

It was all are you a cop etc etc?

The stuff was not brilliant but the compulsion to have and not be without made me seek out more.

I went back to ex-friend. This time I spent money and got screwed. I actually threw half the contents down the toilet.

I got in touch with this new guy again and he’s one of them (not being racist)Asian lads who don’t like being questioned

Meet me!

He gave me all this bullshit about coming to meet me then plans changed and I had to meet some strange cousin runner of his who skanked me  with god knows what

I got on the phone straight away to the supplier and I gave him hell.

Finally convinced him that his little runner was the one who pulled a fast one. not me.

This cockroach- gave the whole spiel of I will sort you out -apologies, I’ll be there in 10 min , one hour turned to 8 hours

I was fuming. I sent him a text along the lines of its not about the money it’s the principleYour business ethic is amateurish. You are a wannabe. come collect your shit- You say you keep your word well… etc. etc..

I basically told him he wasn’t as clever as he thought he was and I didn’t think he would last as a business whatever. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

Cut my losses and went back to bed. 8 am I get a phone call from this guy

Early morning o received a phone call from him -I was surprised.

He started giving me that whole Fuck you mother fucking bitch

He easy giving it the big I am a somebody

Mother fucking bitch

I’m gonna put 6000 pounds on your head

I’m coming round your house and I’m gonna break your jaw

I thought fuck this bullshit I can also scream and shout

So-called his bluff (Iprayed it was a bluff) but I was ready to defend myself, my family and go out there and show him I won’t be intimidated


 I was terrified. I didn’t know what this guy had planned  I waited outside. He rang and said he’s out side. I went outside and I’m like where the fuck are you take your shit shove it up your arse etc..

Then he’s like can you let me speak…

Okay .. calmed down let him speak..

He’s having a hard time with his car, and life and did I really think he was going to come to my home and do what he said he was going to do?


We had a conversation -civil and then he said yeah I will sort you out…

These are not games I play.. the waiting game

I got in touch with someone else and thought right time to play you mofo.

Said I had xx amount of money I’m torn between being”loyal” to cockroach and scoring off someone else

This tune changed in a nano scene. Right I’ll get a taxi. and give you amount that I owe you because of the shit his runner sold me

I was like you have half an hour.

I was being truthful

He then rings up with another campfire story – oh no -he can get me to amount I Sid I would pay for but only give me the IOU/decent thing to do if all drugs were legal another time.

That was it for me.

I went with the other people- expensive but better and I’ve put not only myself through hell but my family.

My child is not around when I do it but I and my better half were on the verge of having a massive arena battle

It got the point on Saturday night when I decided it would be a good idea to get more so as not to run out…

I only told my husband when I got a text to say meet me outside

My husband did something I’ve never seen him do- he had these nan chunks and he went for this other dude. I stopped him.

It was intense- to hear my husband say he wanted to hurt me scared me handmade me feel ashamed.

WTF ?  he doesn’t deserve this shit. I’m killing myself and so it’s got to the point where I have to say adios

My health is suffering, my relationships and I don’t like being controlled by people, drugs or anything.

Know how to stop and can do it and have done it many times

I am not going to hide that I will always have an addictive nature.

It takes everything from me My awesome personality, my creativity, my empathy and it takes up my moments and my days.

So here I am. Doing what I need to do.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so in yer face with drug dealers but I have no respect for them when I am getting poor customer service, value and a shitty attitude like I’m doing them a favour.

Without our money, they wouldn’t have a demand to supply.

I am a stickler for justice, integrity and keeping a person to their word – does ‘t matter who you are.

One thing I have realised is do not let other people intimidate you – if they give you bullshit give back to them – bullies back down soon enough.

It could have got to the point where I am so far down the line like ex-friend

I don’t want to e that person.

It shocked me to see this person the way he is now and how all he is bothered about is his next hit

I’m not saying I’m better than him but I had time to get out before it took away everyting that made me who I am

Yes, people, even rug dealers are human and I am willing to empathise but do not try and fuck me over because I will stand my ground and I will fight.

Looking forward to sleep, getting my personality back, life on the go


and well…. I will always be an addict.I am addicted to my eating disorder. I will always need or find something to fill that void.

The times I thrive and people reciprocate are when I am me – in all my weirdness- not out of my head

So there are the cold hard facts.

I hope I will never let this demon back I Ama fighter and have fought many battles and won a few.

these are my words

Daisy life update.






I still get to choose

Quick catch up on my life.

 Some of you may know that I had a bit of a blip with my eating disorder in the New year. I stopped eating for a month and became ill and obviously dropped weight, which wrecked chaos in my mind. I started getting panic attacks every time I thought about eating.

Anorexia’s voice managed to find the speakers I had hidden and   turned up the volume. Hate the death metal  music genre. It was terrifying. Where did it come from ? I mean, I ended 2015 on a high. So much to look ahead too with my


 the eating disorder support and recovery group

my wedding in 12 weeks!

Saving up to go to Orlando

My pyschatirist who has known me for 10 years and was on leave at the time I was in melt down mode. I saw a different psychiatrist to ask for a medication change. The medication has helped a lot.

What hasn’t shifted is the sadness and the spark I have lost and that doesn’t seem to want to come back from harming myself for that month.

Today I am going to see Doctor J. I’m nervous as hell. I do use a variety of coping  skills and medication is one of them. I’m scared he will change my medication. I don’t know why I have this perpetual fear of my medication being taken off me?

Especially ,the ones that help me with my anxiety and sleep.

One day I want to be rid of all these medications but I need them for a while longer.  I have managed to keep a stable weight -19 bmi. shwee im eye….

 I’m  beyond fatigued of of this illness!

I won’t it to get off my chaise longue and fuck off. Leave it’s wiry bits of fur so I can suck them up with my vacuum and empty the contents in the trash.

Usually, my fears are unfounded.

Writing is another coping skill of mine.

I write this not in the hope that someone will think it is an epic piece of writing. You can  think this if you wish. I won’t say no to that thought 😀

 When I write, exercise ,eat, get out, read and take my medications -the combination is what works for me.

So this is the purpose of my post to relieve the sadness and anxiety –

If you have read up to this point –


It is okay to  have doubt and feel unbalanced. Having a blip doesn’t have to mean the end of the world.

I am back on track.

I do want point out as a ‘mental note’ to myself and  for whoever is reading this:

is to consider how long it is taking to shift my mood and for my confidence  to come back .  Acknowledging this  might help me from not falling from such a high height if/when the next time my illness comes to stare me down in a dusty old town  – hands ready to draw the gun faster than me.

There can only be one cowboy in this town.

 So, Mental illness, if I am going to have a cowboy in my life I am going to choose who that cowboy will be and I choose this dude



Carnival Mind

‘Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.’ –Janis Joplin

Got to live up to my reputation for being brutally honest, right? I had another post in mind -the second part of  BREAKING THE CYCLE But, that can wait. I feel so low. I know I post mostly positive posts and come across as having my shit together. I do, most of the times. I can’t pretend that in a couple of months, something has shifted in me. It’s been big enough to derail me – the crustal plates in my mind and body have moved too much and too soon. I have to lean on something to stop me from falling, falling to where? and on what?   What if I just fall and never stop.  How does it feel? I sit back. It’s gnarled at my insides. I have to remind myself to ex pull the carbon monoxide out with each breathes. 

Why now? I have so much to live for, to be happy for. Is this the nature of the mental illness? My inner Iago is a great trickster -it can make the most amazing opportunities, experiences that are going to happen or are happening seem like a mirage. It loves to betray me. It loves to jinx me. It loves to beat me. I know it is him but he is good at hiding.

 He is sly and duped my lazy /starved neurotransmitters to believing that they can’t take one tiny step over, from one synapse to another.


Man up! I’m on enough pills. I should be a billion dollar comedian with all the serotonin and dopamine whizzing round my brain.

I had a full-blown panic attack this morning, I had to ask G to come upstairs and hold me. This has worked before. I then got up and cleaned up and hit the gym. That helped but it came back with reinforcements. So , picture me mentally rummaging around my wellness toolbox to find the right tool to smooth over the grave bits. The ones that live between my ribs – that defy gravity…

It’s not my heart racing, it’s that space high up in the middle of my first four ribs. It’s like every breath I take is halved- stolen. I have the need to break free, to implode- no, explode from this human body of mine and let the energy disperse. It won’t leave willingly. I need to pick up my sharpest knife , slice my self open and let all the carnival loose.

The freaks can’t stay. I want to accept them but they repulse me. I am scared if they stay within me, I may become them and I will feel this way forever.

I’m just speed typing. Loads of errors. I’m hoping I can write myself out of a panic attack. Nothing else seems to have worked.. I am trying to take the least amount of medication as possible. 

I’m due to have a Skype call with a lady who will be making my bejewelled bouquets in 20 minutes. I need to send the freaks on errands 

Legless man,go and find a pair.

Fortune teller – read up on everyone’s star signs- dust off your glass ball. Go find some mystery somewhere else.

Obese lady- waddle down the lane and get some organic shit down your pipe hole- and make sure you stop by the pastry shop. Hopefully, you will be to full to waddle back 

Claw hand man – practice jerking off and walking sideways – right, no just a bit more to the right, oops, sorry! I didn’t see the cliff. 


 They beg me. They have nowhere else to go. Pleading, I can’t turn my eyes away from despite them their defects. I look at them. How can I leave them stranded with nobody to want them and nowhere to go? 

So I write. I tell them I need to cool off. I need them to just go and find something to do and they can come back once I’ve had time to be alone. Once I find peace. Once I can breathe again. I could never make them homeless.

They are freaks. Yes, they scare me but they are my freaks. sometimes they listen to me and respect me. Let me feel a bit of peace. They come back quieter now and get on with preparing for the next show. I just need to reign them in every now and then.

It’s going to be all right. The order has been restored. I write to live- I write for peace.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am …

I am…

and that is good enough.