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The one I wrote in 2017

LIFE UPDATE:

Yeah, I’ve been putting off this post. Why?

I happen to live in a teeny tiny cartoon town where some people know about my blog and read it. That don’t like my posts but when I meet up with them it comes up in conversation sometimes.

I don’t feel I should be blogging if I can’t speak my mind – so to all the judgemental people out there

.I know a lot of other peoples secrets and battles and for the record, if you don’t get me – well, one less person to worry about.

GOOD NEWS -first. I have finished year one of my MA  In Creative writing. Pat my back.I’m waiting for my results for my final piece -the second act to the homeless couple piece and I’m registered to start the final 120 credits in October…

My head and emotions have been all over the place. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed but because I’ve done a lot of volunteering and work with mental health charities I’ve been scared to put this on here.

Here is my conclusion to not being honest and writing for me.

If  future potential opportunities and (other peoples judgements) on my ability to do them effectively is in doubt

Well, I say people can be hypocrites. Just because you work in a mental health sector doesn’t mean you have your shit together all the time.

rant over

In the last 13 days, I’ve probably had about 23 hours of sleep

I decided it would be a great idea not to drink and indulge in another recreational drug

Monster alert

I don’t know when to stop.

My  heart can be seizing up –

,I can’t. breathe,

I meet up with dodgy folk and willingly hand over money to chase a sense of self.

Here is the truth. I hate alcohol, I hate all drugs to be honest. The only drug I ever fell in love with was an ecstasy-rave bunny.

That is not to say I didn’t get addicted to some heavy drugs but I worked through it.

These past days have been delirious.

Who in their right mind will continue buying a drug where the quality varies from alright to fuck I need to go to A&E

 

I think the females in my family are tough. We are born survivors and fighters and we do screw up. Oh hell, yes.

I don’t know why it’s taking me so long to get my self together.

12 days of pure craziness

Sleazy people. I  have valid reasons for saying this

Things get serious when I’ put in as room with people with no morals and  my attitude and big mouth 

It’s hard to be 100 % honest on here these days. I don’t drink a lot but when I do I binge drink

I gave up drinking for a while and thought I would try another drug. 

Because that is so logical and rational! ewer.. no!

I got skanked by a guy I’ve helped and known for Years.

I hadn’t seen him since 2013. I always went that bit further to help him out when he was having issues.

I’d buy him food, sit with him when nobody else would give him the time of day..

I got in touch with him.

I nearly did a 180 degree turn when I saw him.

He is a shell of the man he used to be.. the drugs do not work.

He managed to score something.It made me buzz for a bit but I know it wasn’t quality shit.

His contact was some foreign sexist drug dealer who spoke  to me like I was a piece of shit.

I told him straight- who is handing over the money and I want to see what I am buying.

My so-called mate took this as an opportunity to ask for a bit and I love to share but I have a life and responsibilities. I helped him out as much as I could.

He is past saving.

I went on a bender thinking I’m invincible. Day turned to night and then day again.

I decided that was it- No more dealing with that person and his lot.

A few numbers were sent to my inbox and I thought – yeah… let’s try again.

Stupid girl indeed.

I was obsessed with running out. So, I made a few phone calls and got in touch with a new drug dealer.

This guy was one of the paranoid drug dealer types

It was all are you a cop etc etc?

The stuff was not brilliant but the compulsion to have and not be without made me seek out more.

I went back to ex-friend. This time I spent money and got screwed. I actually threw half the contents down the toilet.

I got in touch with this new guy again and he’s one of them (not being racist)Asian lads who don’t like being questioned

Meet me!

He gave me all this bullshit about coming to meet me then plans changed and I had to meet some strange cousin runner of his who skanked me  with god knows what

I got on the phone straight away to the supplier and I gave him hell.

Finally convinced him that his little runner was the one who pulled a fast one. not me.

This cockroach- gave the whole spiel of I will sort you out -apologies, I’ll be there in 10 min , one hour turned to 8 hours

I was fuming. I sent him a text along the lines of its not about the money it’s the principleYour business ethic is amateurish. You are a wannabe. come collect your shit- You say you keep your word well… etc. etc..

I basically told him he wasn’t as clever as he thought he was and I didn’t think he would last as a business whatever. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

Cut my losses and went back to bed. 8 am I get a phone call from this guy

Early morning o received a phone call from him -I was surprised.

He started giving me that whole Fuck you mother fucking bitch

He easy giving it the big I am a somebody

Mother fucking bitch

I’m gonna put 6000 pounds on your head

I’m coming round your house and I’m gonna break your jaw

I thought fuck this bullshit I can also scream and shout

So-called his bluff (Iprayed it was a bluff) but I was ready to defend myself, my family and go out there and show him I won’t be intimidated

 

 I was terrified. I didn’t know what this guy had planned  I waited outside. He rang and said he’s out side. I went outside and I’m like where the fuck are you take your shit shove it up your arse etc..

Then he’s like can you let me speak…

Okay .. calmed down let him speak..

He’s having a hard time with his car, and life and did I really think he was going to come to my home and do what he said he was going to do?

YES.

We had a conversation -civil and then he said yeah I will sort you out…

These are not games I play.. the waiting game

I got in touch with someone else and thought right time to play you mofo.

Said I had xx amount of money I’m torn between being”loyal” to cockroach and scoring off someone else

This tune changed in a nano scene. Right I’ll get a taxi. and give you amount that I owe you because of the shit his runner sold me

I was like you have half an hour.

I was being truthful

He then rings up with another campfire story – oh no -he can get me to amount I Sid I would pay for but only give me the IOU/decent thing to do if all drugs were legal another time.

That was it for me.

I went with the other people- expensive but better and I’ve put not only myself through hell but my family.

My child is not around when I do it but I and my better half were on the verge of having a massive arena battle

It got the point on Saturday night when I decided it would be a good idea to get more so as not to run out…

I only told my husband when I got a text to say meet me outside

My husband did something I’ve never seen him do- he had these nan chunks and he went for this other dude. I stopped him.

It was intense- to hear my husband say he wanted to hurt me scared me handmade me feel ashamed.

WTF ?  he doesn’t deserve this shit. I’m killing myself and so it’s got to the point where I have to say adios

My health is suffering, my relationships and I don’t like being controlled by people, drugs or anything.

Know how to stop and can do it and have done it many times

I am not going to hide that I will always have an addictive nature.

It takes everything from me My awesome personality, my creativity, my empathy and it takes up my moments and my days.

So here I am. Doing what I need to do.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so in yer face with drug dealers but I have no respect for them when I am getting poor customer service, value and a shitty attitude like I’m doing them a favour.

Without our money, they wouldn’t have a demand to supply.

I am a stickler for justice, integrity and keeping a person to their word – does ‘t matter who you are.

One thing I have realised is do not let other people intimidate you – if they give you bullshit give back to them – bullies back down soon enough.

It could have got to the point where I am so far down the line like ex-friend

I don’t want to e that person.

It shocked me to see this person the way he is now and how all he is bothered about is his next hit

I’m not saying I’m better than him but I had time to get out before it took away everyting that made me who I am

Yes, people, even rug dealers are human and I am willing to empathise but do not try and fuck me over because I will stand my ground and I will fight.

Looking forward to sleep, getting my personality back, life on the go

 

and well…. I will always be an addict.I am addicted to my eating disorder. I will always need or find something to fill that void.

The times I thrive and people reciprocate are when I am me – in all my weirdness- not out of my head

So there are the cold hard facts.

I hope I will never let this demon back I Ama fighter and have fought many battles and won a few.

these are my words

Daisy life update.

 

 

 

 

 

I still get to choose

Quick catch up on my life.

 Some of you may know that I had a bit of a blip with my eating disorder in the New year. I stopped eating for a month and became ill and obviously dropped weight, which wrecked chaos in my mind. I started getting panic attacks every time I thought about eating.

Anorexia’s voice managed to find the speakers I had hidden and   turned up the volume. Hate the death metal  music genre. It was terrifying. Where did it come from ? I mean, I ended 2015 on a high. So much to look ahead too with my

volunteering

 the eating disorder support and recovery group

my wedding in 12 weeks!

Saving up to go to Orlando

My pyschatirist who has known me for 10 years and was on leave at the time I was in melt down mode. I saw a different psychiatrist to ask for a medication change. The medication has helped a lot.

What hasn’t shifted is the sadness and the spark I have lost and that doesn’t seem to want to come back from harming myself for that month.

Today I am going to see Doctor J. I’m nervous as hell. I do use a variety of coping  skills and medication is one of them. I’m scared he will change my medication. I don’t know why I have this perpetual fear of my medication being taken off me?

Especially ,the ones that help me with my anxiety and sleep.

One day I want to be rid of all these medications but I need them for a while longer.  I have managed to keep a stable weight -19 bmi. shwee im eye….

 I’m  beyond fatigued of of this illness!

I won’t it to get off my chaise longue and fuck off. Leave it’s wiry bits of fur so I can suck them up with my vacuum and empty the contents in the trash.

Usually, my fears are unfounded.

Writing is another coping skill of mine.

I write this not in the hope that someone will think it is an epic piece of writing. You can  think this if you wish. I won’t say no to that thought 😀

 When I write, exercise ,eat, get out, read and take my medications -the combination is what works for me.

So this is the purpose of my post to relieve the sadness and anxiety –

If you have read up to this point –

REMEMBER

It is okay to  have doubt and feel unbalanced. Having a blip doesn’t have to mean the end of the world.

I am back on track.

I do want point out as a ‘mental note’ to myself and  for whoever is reading this:

is to consider how long it is taking to shift my mood and for my confidence  to come back .  Acknowledging this  might help me from not falling from such a high height if/when the next time my illness comes to stare me down in a dusty old town  – hands ready to draw the gun faster than me.

There can only be one cowboy in this town.

 So, Mental illness, if I am going to have a cowboy in my life I am going to choose who that cowboy will be and I choose this dude

1167059452-woody-quotes-toy-story-6811

(IMAGE AND GIF  SOURCED FROM GOOGLE IMAGES)

Domestic violence- my reflections

  • Once you’ve been knocked about and taken a couple of punches to the face DO NOT run after your partner and console him and say ‘We will work it out’

  • Do not have sympathy for his anger/ low self-confidence issues and his ‘justified’ reasons. Just because he got bullied in the army, it does not  give anyone the excuse to abuse someone

  • Don’t kind of) move in weeks into knowing the guy/gal

  • Drinking may seem like fun at the time but if you wake up and you take a good look around you and see the house is a tip/ filth everywhere, and you are a neat freak. Don’t offer to stay and help sort out the house

  • don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into ‘liking’ his sexual fetishes. If you feel dead inside while you are screwing, then it may be a sign that you are not in a relationship with healthy sexual boundaries

  • Don’t use all your money to keep him going

  • Don’t stop looking after yourself – if you love to wear make up. Don’t stop. If he loves your hair up, don’t stop wearing it down sometimes

  • Don’t fall pregnant 5 weeks into the relationship.

  • Do not allow yourself to be coerced into taking your on/off partner with you to get an Abortion. He will make you feel like a murderer for the remainder of your days with him

  • Don’t start drinking heavily after the Abortion and sleep with on/off ex days after the abortion -you may just fall pregnant again

  • Do not feel you have to take the blame for the reason he can’t keep hold of a job/ house/ or pay the bills- this might lead you to taking him and his two son’s( who he sees on weekends) to set up bunk beds in the living room  and use your your one bedroom cottage as a ‘family home’.

  • If you take a serious overdose and your partner does not seek help in the 4/5 days you are unconscious -it is not a good enough an excuse to say he knows ‘First aid’ and didn’t feel the need to ring A&E

  • If he knows you have an eating disorder and he starts to call you ‘affectionate’ names such as ‘elephant feet’ – you will probably feel shit about yourself and rate yourself a zero

  • If your cat won’t leave your side and growls and runs under the bed every time she senses your partners presence – Your cat/dog/pet might be on to something

  • If you want to get married and your partner is already married but separated and has no money to afford a divorce– maybe you need to assess your priorities

  • Don’t drink and take drugs or benzos – you will probably black out and stories about you being violent may crop up.

  • If you want to move and get out of a room and your partner blocks the way, don’t cower away

  • Don’t let your partner threaten to make you homeless if you don’t buy him a new car, because you apparently lost the keys to the car. You then find the ‘lost’ car keys in his sons drawers, after you have bought the car,with your student finance money.

  • If you need to have micro surgery on your arm after your partner smashes your arm into double glazed window. Don’t allow him to stay with you at the hospital, especially when the doctor wants a private word with you and you only

  • If you suddenly start losing all your friends and ignore their advice then you are probably firmly  tangled into your partners web.The predator’s  rules rule. You are more likely to believe your friends are false and affirm you are not likeable

  • If you have an argument on Christmas eve, when you are both drunk and you black out, and then find yourself in a cell on Christmas day. Don’t just believe your partners version of events and what he tells the police.

  • If your partner keeps on making you homeless. DO NOT  write emails back and forth begging him to let you come home and begging him/her to love you. It is a mind game. One of many that your partner chooses to control you. rendering you weak and inferior

  • If you are in a crowd with people socialising don’t look at your partner. He may give you looks like what you are saying is stupid,  it may make you stop talking because you think that his manner and expression is what every one else is thinking

  • If your partner threatens that if you ever try to leave him he will make sure your child will be taken away from you – you need to do some serious thinking

  • If you are arguing and he punches you n the stomach when you are 3 months pregnant – think about the life inside you and what his motives are for punching you where you baby is growing

  • If you go out and come back home and you get the silent treatment. Don’t fall into the trap of asking him what is up with him. He may use this as an excuse to throw you around and accuse you of flirting/ kissing another guy/s. It may also give him the excuse to ‘punish’ you sexually.

  • If your mother sees red every time his name is mentioned or when they meet up -maybe your Mom has a good reason. Ask her.

  • The first time your meet his mom and have a girlie natter over coffee and his own mother warns you not to give up your home and questions you about his drinking habits. She may be telling you something – In fact this is a BIG RED WARNING SIGN THAT THIS MAY NOT TURN OUT WELL.

  • If he sits in a corner rolling his eyes while you are in labour screaming and grunting and pushing your baby out of you -he is possibly the biggest dick ever

  • Don’t tell him he has a small dick when you are drunk. You will probably pay for it somewhere down the line. Mental abuse is pretty potent.

  • If you have to stay in hospital for longer than necessary due to mental/ physical health issues and he won’t leave your side -not even to brush his teeth or take a shower- he may just be worried someone will want to talk with you.

  • If he has to leave your side to feed your cat and the midwife asks you questions about your relationship. Talk to her!

  • If you are afraid to leave him with your child,or even for him to hold your baby -trust your instincts. Something is probably seriously wrong with this relationship

  • If you are advised to put your surname on your child’s birth certificate -maybe ask why. Someone may be trying to tell you something

  • If you keep on over dosing regularly in the relationship. Perhaps you are not happy and need to think about your options

  • If you find your partner talking to  other girls on-line and leaving the laptop wide open for anyone to see – you are been played and there is some serious mind fucking going one

  • If you have given up your home and have had to find a new home, seven months pregnant, because you have been thrown out AGAIN – perhaps this partner doesn’t give a shit

  • If your partner lets you do most of the painting in your new home  and carry most of the shopping bags in the latter stage of your pregnancy – this says a lot about his character and his views on how he sees females

  • If you are watching the ‘X factor’ with him and Nicole Sherzinger comes on in dancing and singing a provocative dress and he slams his beer down and starts shouting, that she deserves to be raped, No child of his will be allowed to dress like that- RUN!

  • If he puts his other two sons before your child -this too says a lot about his character and possibly what he thinks about the female gender

  • If you splurge out on loads of gifts for his birthday,. say you get him a watch with the names of his children and the date of  each of their birth dates engraved on the back. When you present him with his gifts, and if all he has to say is ‘you got S’s birth-date wrong’ -He is a cunt.

  • If you are in the worst place mentally and physically and are finding it hard to cope when he is around. You carry on drinking too cope when you are around him and have another blackout. You may wake up in a cell again and be told you need a lawyer.

  • Why? because your partner may have said you assaulted your child and shook her. Then he goes  to seek legal advice the next day to try and get full parental responsibility over your child-  due to your poor mental health:it is time to get your armour on and prepare for battle

  • If social services become involved and it looks like he is losing the battle and he agrees with social services to have your child adopted at 12 weeks old. Try hard not to pay a sniper to take him out

  • If you get your child back after 16 months of fighting social services and your ex-partner -and he then wants nothing to do with your child ever! THANK THE BASTARD  for finally doing something positive in the entire relationship.

Finally can I take this opportunity to tell you about the global event on 05/03/2016 –ONE BILLION RISING CAMPAIGN  . Do try and get involved wherever you live in this world of ours. I’m trying to get to London to be a part of this revolution. Money permitting. 

And finally…….

It is not a diet it is a insanity dilemma

So, here I am. Eating again. I know the scales are going to up. I’m scared. I don’t want to go up to 65 kilos again. I’m bartering with my Anorexic Dinosaur- old, gargantuan and frightening. I got my wish. I am on diazepam and the novelty of taking it has died already.

There is no magic pill. Yes, these little pills are meant to be ‘mothers little helpers’ but I have built up such a tolerance to pills that it seems like they don’t work.

I have a lengthy list of what I take:

  • Fluoxetine 60 mg

  • quetiapine  600 mg

  • Lamotrigine 300 mg

  • diazepam 20 mg

  • Lorazepam 2.5 mg

  • Nitrazepam 15 mg

Today I took my morning dose and for the first time in a long time I felt melancholy about how I rely on so much medication. I get so forgetful -I am terrified of getting dementia from all these pills. I’ve been on medication since I was 14 years old. I’m going to be 35 this year. I want to be FREE of these pills but I am addicted to them. There we are, I said it: I am a legal drug- taking  junkie. That’s what is boils down to. I’m not going to lie, I am down and out. I feel like a failure today. I can’t even leave the house. I’m letting my daughter and my partner down. It’s sunny in the U.K.! What a perfect opportunity to bask in the sunlight and be a family and go to the park. No, I’m way too morose and in my comfort zone.

What about the volunteering you ask ? The eating disorder recovery support  group I am setting up. Where has that passion gone? That drive and lust to live with purpose?

I don’t have a clue. But, I am going to get it back. I’m going to start enjoying exercise again. Eating what I want- feeling proud of my body. Be happy again. Happiness comes from inside- where are you hiding? WHERE?

I can’t spend my days sleeping away like I have been pricked by some poisonous needle. I need to wake up  from my nebulous slumber and face and accept that the  figures on the scale are not what makes up the whole sum  of me. How crazy is it that I get so upset over a weight increase of 1-2 kilo’s? I want to be free again. I love food. I do!  I want my life back. Reclaim it. It is mine. I will not be prisoner of my mind any longer. No, no ,no.

I want to feel attractive again. I want to be free to rise to the dizzy  heights of success.

NO MORE SELF-SABOTAGE. I feel like this post is not worthy of publishing but I must write first and foremost for myself.

End of postimages (2)

 

ED flares up

So, I have been pretty quiet on how I have been dealing with my Anorexia lately. It has been hell. I went on a detox in July 2015 and put on weight! Yes! I don’t know how I managed it. 

I have been struggling to get rid of the weight although it could have been a combo of muscle too. I am a bit of an exercise bunny.  Anyway At Christmas I  “forgot” how to eat again. I’ve dropped nearly 8 kilos in less than four weeks. 

 

 

I don’t need this shit. My mental health and weight have been stable for nearly 5 years. I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m planning on having a brother/sister for my precious child at the end of the year and I’m succeeding in the volunteering/working world. 

 

I tried loads of different non-medication alternatives and other medication tweaks over the last few months. My C.P.N.  and psychiatrist finally put me back on Diazepam again at my request. I’m on a whack of meds already ( for my Bipolar too) but the lorazepam wasn’t working any more. I  started getting panic attacks around eating again and have survived mainly on water and sweets for a month.

I’ve had hardly any energy to have a proper good work out. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and I don’t want to lose the body I have worked so hard to achieve in four years. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to stay lean. Keep my glossy hair and glowing skin. The remainder of my teeth…

Let’s hope this med change works. Tonight, I’m about to have my first proper sit-down meal with my family in a month. I am terrified. I don’t want to put on too much weight. I’ve chucked all the sweets out and got some good quality veg and seafood. Fruit.  Normal food! 

I am going to do this and move forward. It’s okay to stumble. I have caught it in time. I want my glow back and my energy. I’ve so much work to do this year.  The eating disorder recovery group is happening. I’m still here. I say a big fuck you to Anorexia and I’m fighting back. No more hospitals. I am not a victim. 

I am back!  Not perfect. Always flawed. I am a fighter. 

 

 

The text that came back to haunt me

What do you do when the past comes back to haunt you?

It’s the kind of haunting you tell to sit down.

It comes in the form of a young man, not even 19 years old. Hair blonde and curly -blue eyes and a face as bright as Apollo.

5 months of crazy sex. Talking and Listening to a mind so intriguing and brilliant that you never want him to shut up. We spoke with music – who could find the best song that summed up our feelings.

Yes, the arrogance is there all right Yet, he unfolds it with such charm you can’t help but see more good than bad in it. That smile disarms all previous arrogant displays.

Since seeing him again, I haven’t been able to get him out of mind. I’ve tried going to sleep early, taking my sleeping meds.  I can’t seem to not want to read his texts. His thoughts on how he really feels and felt about me.

My suspicious nature knows he is down and out. Not in a good place.  I think he quite possibly is using me as a diversion for the state of his life now. The one he wishes to re-build. The one I want him to rebuild.

I love hearing how much he actually liked me. The things he remembers. The things he wants to do to me/with me. Back then, I didn’t think he thought of me as anything than a fuck of mind and body. Apparently, he always wanted me one way or the other. He apologizes for having unresolved feelings for me.

He dominated me. I could not say no. I was drunk too. I didn’t want to say no I wanted to submit.  I loved fucking him on the kitchen counter. We couldn’t make time to reach it to the bedroom. It turned me on. It was wild, animistic, raw. Euphoric.  It was drunk sex.

Hundreds of texts have been going back and forth. I pushed him away all those years ago. I thought he was taking the piss. Using me. He did It didn’t end well. He was genuinely hurt. I felt bad but I was too stubborn to run after him and ask him what he felt..

At that time I don’t think I wanted to hear what he thought. If I knew it was going to be what he tells me today, life could have ended up very different for us.

Like attracts like. A lesson I seem to see over and over again. This has happened before with another one I let go of.

We are all so similar we three have the same traits. Impulsive, wild, hedonistic.

Craving for the good times to roll and roll and roll. One of us will make sure we always keep it rolling.

I want him. I do. I shake my head. Try and scream at him in my mind to go. He won’t go. 4/5 years later he is a man with scars. I too am a woman with many scars. I’ve come out on top. I have the perfect family. I’m getting married in 2016. We may not have a lot of money but we are a family- a happy one.

My partner is one of the good guys. He is loved by everyone. He is gentle and kind. He looks after my daughter better than I could. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. He doesn’t really dominate. He treats the sexual part of our life and me with kid gloves. I know I should be an adult and sit down and tell him.

I don’t.

Instead, I find others like me. I don’t need to explain to them. They already know instinctively what they want and crave and they take and I take. My partner gives- and gives and gives. We go for months with no sex. I know he wants more but I don’t tell him I want more. Isn’t that messed up?

How can I ever tell him I have let him down once and considering a second time.

What is wrong with me?

My life is finally heading in the right direction -jobs and opportunities are opening that involve everything I want to be a part of. I want to work with people with addictions and mental health issues and homelessness. I feel I have a lot of skills to offer. I’m slowly doing the training to get my skills.

I’ve been headhunted for a potential job post that I couldn’t even dream up in my mind. It involves everything I want to do.

I sit here typing, smoking- I can’t see the words I have typed for all the smoke – creating a fog.  Anxious pulls on my E vape- more fog. I was so very wild then. I miss some of that part of me.

I can’t go backwards. Well, I can. That would be true madness. I could lose everything – my daughter my partner. Yet, the one that got away won’t leave my mind. I got to bed early and wake up pulling the pillow over my head.

Why now? Why not then?

Is it all mind games? My partner trusts me to go out with my past on new years eve. He never questions me. He trusts me as much as I trust him.

I wish I could reach out to him. Tell him what is going on in my head. Work through this muddle together. I find it easier to crawl back into my safe shell. The one that could potentially detonate like a  giant suicide snail terrorist bomber. I feel the slime of guilt weeping out of every orifice.

I can’t get back to sleep. I had to write. Writing is the only way I know to let out the shit flying around my mind.

For now I wait for a text from my past. One that allows me to bathe in my ego or I fight these thoughts, fight the past and leave it well alone.

I have responsibilities these days. I’m nearly 10 years older than my past haunting. I also have an ego that can’t help but be flattered. Maybe if my past and my present were on even ground then my choices would be easier.

Is text flirting cheating? I feel the guilt so it must be -yet I crave more and more… Forever an addict to the dizzy heights of euphoria.

 

 

The scapegoat in the family

Some Blogs are like personal diaries, right? Well, mine is kind of like that. I can’t go spouting off my unorthodox feelings and thoughts on public social media websites, can I?

I used to, but then I felt the wrath of my family. My opinion was “shameful”. I was ‘showing up’ the family. Because all families are perfect right? So do it in a place they can’t read this. Sly, but necessary for my sanity.

In my previous post, I finished with the sentence -‘I am not looking forward to Christmas’.

To be honest I have never been much of a Christmas person. I didn’t mind getting money for it because it funded my lifestyle at that point in my life. It took a while to ‘grow’ out of that part of me.

People tend to look at people with addiction issues as weak. At least that is my experience of it. I’m not one to judge, having that kind of nature and kink in my DNA or personality. What pisses me off are the people who judge. The ones who have a cemetery full of bones and skulls bursting out, rattling on their closet door- screeching to come out.

I  do not regret being an addict. Especially this year. 2015. I have had some amazing people confide in me about the issues they have. The addictions that they have. These are people I would never have suspected had any problems of this nature. I don’t judge. These people judge themselves more and don’t need my judgement. These people I know have sought out help for their problems but maybe it wasn’t always the case.

It’s Christmas time and my child is at an age where she will probably remember Christmas and so, I have dusted off my -bah-humbugs and got my Christmas booty into gear. I even wore the reindeer ears to put up the tree. I do stop at corny Christmas jumpers and saying thanks to a God I don’t believe in. What about my child? She must know about religion and the true meaning of Christmas!

I have been hunting down for an Alien monster costume for my child’s end of year ‘Christmas play’ – I don’t know how political this message is ( sorry bad humour) or what to expect. I am happy enough to let my child believe in Santa Claus and magic at this stage. I also don’t believe in going crazy -with hundreds of presents. I never appreciated mine. I  seek to instil the coming together of the family at Christmas. You don’t need God to bring a family together. Mind you some do- some need a miracle.

This brings me back to addictions. It has taken me a long time to control my addictions. I like a few cocktails to celebrate. I’m lucky my true choice of drug is illegal and I don’t know of any dealers and I don’t frequent those playgrounds any longer.

I have had an uncle knob head in my life. He hated me with such venom. I couldn’t understand why. I know I was a bit of a shit for a bunch of years, but then again so was he: when he was younger. Let’s wave the flags, right? Past is past.

In February this year. We had a funeral for my crazy and good time aunt. Miss this woman so much!  I dreaded the fact Uncle knob head was coming to the funeral. I hadn’t seen him in over 20 years!

When I met up with him again. There was no rage and hatred behind those eyes. He was loving and in awe of me. Uncle knob head had become a normal uncle. Well, normal to the point that he starts drinking alcohol at 8 am in the morning and doesn’t stop until he passes out. He has come to stay at with his blood family for Christmas.  The one he has shunned for nearly 30 years. He is still in the grips of denial and very much self-medicating- epically so. He is on the final chapter of his trilogy.  We found out he has no home to go back to after Christmas. His wife of over 3o years and his children have had enough!.

My Ma doesn’t drink and she has had a week of living with an alcoholic. She is not married to him. He is her brother nearing his 60’s. I can emphasize with him but I don’t feel that it is fair that the family should palm off all the ‘ill” people onto us.  The U.K.  is depressing enough this time of year. No snow- just rain and wind. My traditional  Ma is so stressed she is dreading Christmas- very unlike her. The family had a Skype talk and I told them in my opinion, that he needs to hit rock bottom. That rock bottom was to be made homeless, harsh, I know. I was phoning around madly to get help for him. I ended up  on the phone chatting to a person I had ever met, who was having a holiday in Tenerife, and part of al-anon. He told me the same thing: Rock bottom or death.

Shelters are full of people wanting to or pretending to want to get off drugs to escape the harsh British weather. Uncle in denial’s cards are not looking good. My family in the U.S.A.  begged us to look for a place to stay. Why he couldn’t he stay with them? they didn’t want the drama! I shall leave that to sit there.

My point is that I truly believe uncle has burned every bridge and the more cushy his life is living with my Ma, allowing him to drink, until he has to go back to France is not helping him but enabling him. My heart softened a bit ( I’m not all coal and cinders) after talking to my family in the U.S.A. I realised that his bridges had not been burned with us just yet.  I rang around to find a place for my uncle to stay. I came up with ‘the joker’s card’. One person said he had more chance of playing the ‘refugee status’ card than the  I am a French raging alcoholic’  on holiday, in the U.K. – It sucks but point taken!.

On Saturday, while he was sat in a pub with another relative: drinking. Our family planned an intervention. When he got home – There was no alcohol in the house. My Ma poured everything down the drain. The deal is this: prove you can stop drinking for two days – no alcohol out or in the home or he is out.  He accepted this challenge. I being of a suspicious nature asked my Ma, ‘What then?  what if he can go two days without it?

‘ I was relieved to hear the answer:

‘well, if he can go two days without it then he can go the rest of his life without it’…  My uncle as you may have guessed did not take this well.

He didn’t to my knowledge drink yesterday. He slept. Apparently, this is a common thing for people who stop cold turkey, according to my hubby to be. Day two begins.  I hope he can do this. I hope he gets bad withdrawals, in the hope, we can get him to agree to go A&E and that the doctors will have a duty of care to treat him for a detox. It doesn’t solve the whole problem but it is a good start.

What is Christmas about?

Family coming together, yes! But nobody has to put up with being disrespected. Everyone has the right to state their boundaries. My family’s (in Florida) attitude to my uncle’s plight made me think how judgemental I was being. I was in favour of letting him hit rock bottom and go be in denial in the streets. However, he is family and as a family, I understand we need to give him this chance.

None of us has confronted him with intervention before. So we are giving him this chance. I don’t know what my families true agenda is. They are religious and probably can’t face their god knowing they cast aside their own brother. I, on the other hand, have learnt from them to give a person a chance -especially when that person has not been in this type of stop or go kind of situation.

So, this is where we are at. I am not religious – never will be but I do want to see my uncle succeed. Not just because it is Christmas but because so many people- more than you can think of, have some kind of addiction problems. People don’t self medicate because they are weak. They do it because of trauma. It’s not a new concept- I know.

Most people wait with their hands rubbing together- waiting for the underdog to fall. I had these thoughts too -so don’t deny you haven’t or do- I can’t control what another person thinks. I have had a bit of a talk with my self and now I truly want my uncle to get through this. He needs support but if he fucks up now. Then that is it. Full stop.  Then, is up to him to change that full stop into a semicolon.

Tough love and all that…