Blog Archives

Good people

These are my words. Mental health awareness week. Look after yourself & remember you are worth more than your mistakes.

Scars -a bloody unwanted reminder

Writing prompt -Scars

One scar I have is huge – it almost wraps all the way around my upper wrist -it is 2-3 cm wide.  Indented, It reminds me of a dried upriver.

The cause?

Domestic violence.

Before I continue…

Domestic abuse & Toxic relationships

Rape -NO means NO.

I’m going to state the obvious here.

Domestic violence is a relationship fucks about with your mental health, whether you love the person or not.

 

Toxic relationships have usually tipped me over into using shitty coping mechanisms like drinking too much, taking drugs, overdosing and not managing my medication or my eating disorder and Bipolar.

So back to the blood river scar.

One night- no

Another night of heavy drinking and arguing, I found me in a house -not mine- that looked like a slaughterhouse. all dirty browns. There was a rusty scent of blood impossible to ignore.

Every time I inhaled, the scent would drip down the back of my throat like a  tap -I could taste it too.

I  had mixed copious amounts of alcohol with my medication and all I remember is trying to push my ex away with my left hand ( I am left-handed), he grabbed my arm and I struggled back.

BLACKOUT

 

 An image.

An arm.

 

 a massive shard of re-enforced window glass- barbered-   poking out of my right arm.

 

Another image.

the back of my exes legs and back running up the stairs.

PANIC 

BLOOD

DRINK

VODKA

WHERE IS THE ORANGE JUICE?

WHERE IS THE GLASS?

WHERE IS MY EX?

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

PANIC 

PANIC

An arm coated thick with blood. I wear it like an accessory

Blood makes noise.

I hear screaming.

Mine.

Ex reappears and tries to grab me.

I try to run away.

PANIC 

BLOOD

DRIP

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

Why is my ex naked? 

In the middle of the street?

Rolling on the floor with me- trying to muffle my screams with his hand. Trying to stop me from running away...

BLOOD

MIND FUCKERY at its best.

“Look what you have done…” ex says.

6 hours later – location:  hospital.

The doctor asks to speak with me in private. My ex doesn’t want to leave my side.

I don’t say anythingquack quack! quack quack! quack quack!   the word on a loop…

 

“What happened?”  he wants to know.

“We don’t know. We were drinking. I can’t remember. It was an accident.” my ex speaks for us.

My head bows down,it almost appears as if I am nodding. I can’t quite remember.

What I do remember feels like I have made it up, it is so detached from my mind and emotions. It is about as close to me as Pluto or Saturn.

3 days in hospital my ex never left my side.

Not even to go home to wash or brush his teeth.

I wasn’t alone- my mother was with us too.

I was high on morphine for the pain.

Why didn’t they operate sooner? 

Did they want to monitor me? 

The situation? 

Us? 

three days later…  I’m being wheeled on the hospital bed- away from the stale, coughing ward…

“countback with me from 10,” says the anaesthetist.

10 , 9 ,8 ……

BLACKOUT

 

“1”. my eyes burst open. I gasp a breath. It is  like I’ve been living in a homemade sac filled with half shallow water and half air.

 Disorientated.

What happened?

I look down at the artwork the surgeon has done.

No more blood.

re-stuffed re-patched, recovered,

by a micro surgical  hand.

Discharged.

Back to the carnival freak show.

I enter his home – a massacre.

Dry blood everywhere.

Smell.

Bleach.

Sound.

Scrubbing brushes.

Stubborn blood. 

If only it could serve as a reminder of what actually happened that night.

“I don’t remember” the ex says.

How can he and I not know?

Every time I look at my scar I am reminded of the chaos that was my life for 4 years.

This scar says –

mutilation.

despair.

secrets.

emotions numbed.

detachment.

silence.

silence-1.jpg

This scar reminds me to NEVER be silent in the name of so-called love or a sense of loyalty to one who claimed to love me so much he would do anything to keep me.

http://www.vevo.com/watch/suzanne-vega/blood-makes-noise/USIV20300313

When I left him, I did not take his threats seriously.

 What he did next gave serious competition with the scar I see.

That everyone can see.

Toxic relationships result in a severe loss – sometimes that means your life.

Think carefully about what and who your life may include.

I was reborn again on the 06/05/2015.

The day the court ordered social services out of my life.

The day that my ex turned his back on me,  is the day I realised I had been holding my breath for years.

I had forgotten how to breathe.  I might have been dead- a wanderer.

06/05/2015 -I remembered not only how to breathe again but why.

Life -not just my own but that who is of me.

Life is precious

Life is my responsibility

resumption_by_jorgeremmy-d3drxy2.png

WRAP_ When things are at breaking point

Okay, so if you have been creating your WRAP  from week one. YAY! what a journey it has been, hasn’t it? And for those who haven’t you can always CLICK ON THIS LINK and see how you too can start your very own Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP).

Here is a clip describing a bit of week 10 When things are breaking down

Week 10  -down. WOW! two weeks and my three-month’ gift’ is coming to an end. I will save my personal thoughts and other group members thoughts on WRAP in week 12. I just want to point out that I did not think I would get much out of this but I can promise you I have learned so much about myself, how I tick, what helps me, what doesn’t help me and loads of empowering self-help techniques. WRAP is free. It was given to me as a ‘gift’ and I give it to you as a ‘gift’. No extras. No-fuss!

This weeks session focused on when you have ignored or not seen the trigger or Early warning signs and you can feel yourself slipping into meltdown, the plan to get that job is not going as it should, there have been delays in moving to where you are moving too. Your relationship is at breaking point, you can find no relief for your chronic pain if you have MS or Cancer even, but there is still a chance that you can pull yourself back and re-own your yourself.

Here is my breakdown list of signs and symptoms I feel when I start to feel like everything has turned to jelly. The stability is just that little bit further out of reach.  My list is very focused on Eating disorders because this is where my mind is at but I am fighting to regain my control. It is my responsibility to stay well. I can do this with WRAP.

WHEN THINGS ARE BREAKING DOWN

  • weigh myself obsessively
  • take more photographs of myself to compare them to what I think I see in the mirror
  • My perception of my body is split and fractured. I am unable to focus on my body as a whole entity
  • Panic attacks
  • Don’t want to or I am feel unable to communicate
  • Seriously thinking or actively starting to cut down on fluids and food intake
  • I refuse to try on clothes that I didn’t wear when I was at a body weight I deemed acceptable
  •  I will push myself to go 24 hours 7 until I collapse
  • I don’t want to g out
  • I want to or stop taking my medication to get my Bipolar highs
  • withhold love and affection -I don’t feel worthy of the two.
  • Lose my sense of humour
  • all seems doom and gloom
  • feel that everyone hates me or has a problem with me
  • Using degrading language on myself eg. I’m fat, I’m stupid. -all un helpful thoughts and mantras
  • I feel I am an empty vessel -no personality a loss of identity
  • I’m selfish and refuse or can’t look at the world around me and what is happening outside of my illness
  • I think about escaping- or over dosing on my prescription medication or act on it
  • Short tempered
  • Angry at myself
  • Depressed
  • Anxious
  • It becomes harder to look after myself. It becomes harder to look after my daughter
  • Sleep for days at a time or not sleep for days at a time
  • buy exercise energy enhanced pills on line
  •  over exercise for over three hours with no breaks
  • Indecisive- small choices are hard to make
  • feel disconnected to reality. I can reinforce this buy not wearing my glasses or contact lenses.
  • Spend less time with my daughter. I don’t want her to pick up on my emotions and for her to see me in a ‘weak’ role

That is my list. It is a tough list to do but if you are thorough and honest with yourself then we can take all these symptoms and experiences and start an Action Plan. All is not lost but it feels pretty close to lost.

You need to start brainstorming what you can or will try to do to get you back on an even keel. 

Create an Action plan 

Mine is:

call my C.P.N.  or my psychiatrist

Speak to someone I can trust- use my circle of protection. I have a select group of people I have entrusted into my personal space to help me when I I feel like things are breaking down

I can  look at my maintenance tools from week two and three and try see if I can reign things in a bit

look at the different uniqueness I have learned eg. the art of moment therapy, mindfulness, take my thoughts to caught, wise mind 

( you can always add more to your list as and when something you think will help you stay away from completely  breaking down.

 

That’s it for this week.

Be kind to yourself .Give yourself an affirmation to say for the week, do something for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self care-

“Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” -UNKNOWN

Ha! I love this quote. I very rarely let myself truly chill out and veg. This weekend was the first weekend and time in over a year that I have given my mind and body a true chance to chill and enjoy being in the moment.

Why do we think that what we do is– nothing? not enough?

I look back over the years and, at this moment in time, no, I don’t have a 9-5 job.

However, I have been working harder than I would, ( I am talking about me here), say if I had been working in a 9-5 job.

I’ve only just realised how important it is to take some time away from my work and what I do.

I love being active and in the last couple weeks-everything, I love to do stopped being fun any more.

 I was even getting stressed out about some of the things I do to wind down, an example is  Blogging. It was having the opposite effect. I  was getting way too grumpy.

I even thought of taking a break from it.

I have just  realised that all  I  needed was  a couple of days to

  • not get too worried about being up to date with my posts

  •  not  work out to my most difficult dance work out session

  •   not only seeming to eat bloody fruit until the wedding.

  •  not having to be the most awesome .. insert title here……

  •  not worry an have that inner belief that  I can give my all in whatever I have going on next week.

It’s Sunday and I woke up at 10. It does help to have a Bella Bee free night.

I didn’t wake up at 5 am to start blogging and reading blogs. I know I can do that later on today and this week and next week and the week after that.

Here is the philosophical bit.

I don’t know if it is age but my mental state is finally starting to shift.

I have my goals but I have finally started to stop trying to prove to people that they have to like me or what I do or say or write.

I care about a lot of people and support many people here and in my “real life” but I  now know I don’t need their approval.

Not all people will get me or you.

Don’t take it to heart.

No, seriously,

Usually, if someone seems to ignore you, is hostile,  is not consistent with how they treat you. If you are always left feeling drained or uncomfortable and generally bummed out around certain people.

99% of the time, it is not something you need to figure out.

It is usually all about what that person has going on in their head.

People who judge and are critical to others, try and target the people who are themselves and who are 100% genuine and happy with what they are doing and where they are going. Haters try to make you question if you are good enough with what you do or have. They never give you anything but a serious doubt in your abilities.

Usually, whatever seems like a reflection on you and who you are and how you are –  isn’t.

I know I am the only person who knows myself better than anyone. If I trust my gut instincts, I know how to reign myself in, reflect on my own judgements and check out what is going on with me.

Not everyone is comfortable with the fact I don’t hide certain ‘”skeletons”  of my life in an overflowing wardrobe, that I  supposedly should be ashamed to share.

My thinking is  – I share them because I fucking got over them.

If you don’t like that I am not all caught up in an eternal self- mind fuckery, that is your problem, not mine.

I and you. We all have a life to live.

There is a great life out there to see and experience. We need to take time to chill and do our own thing.  Even if it seems like we are doing nothing. We are usually doing a lot.

I am convinced that all the things I have lined up for this next week -will be tackled with 100% passion and commitment.

I’m feeling fresh, energised (amazing what a few haribos can do)

That’s it from me.

Daisy  ❤

 

 

The Art of Happiness 1

We criticise ourselves so much -it is always good to remind ourselves of our achievements, fun times, parts of our character that we know is good. The art of happiness is about honouring the good in ourselves and others. No person is responsible for our finding inner happiness. It is an art and is subjective.


QUOTES FOR THE SOUL


“Poems can’t judge you for healing wrong but a therapist could.”


If you always look downwards you will always see a pavement of despair. If you lift your head up and always look around you and to the sky you will always have many directions to lead a life of every imaginable feeling that is indeed the skies limit

 

11 EMPOWERING FACTS ABOUT ME AND FOR ME


I have a BA (Hons) in the Arts and humanities – majored in ‘Advanced creative writing’ and ‘Myth in the Greek and Roman Worlds’ & A post-graduate certificate in the Humanities. I’ve finished one year of my MA in Advanced Creative writing.


I have lived on three continents – Africa- Europe and America
I’ve dedicated many spare hours to working/volunteering my time with Mental health charities.


I have a Foundation degree in Acting performance that I completed when I was 5 months pregnant & in a soul damaging relationship at the time.


My cousin made me audition for the X factor because she didn’t want to do it alone. I sang ‘Nothing compares’ Sinead O’ Conner & thought I had a chance. I stopped halfway through “auditioning’, opened my eyes and looked at the judges- their faces crushed my short-lived dream of being a singer. I can’t sing at all.


I think I am an introvert but I come to life in groups.


People say I am witty and funny although it tends to happen when I don’t mean to or try to be.


I love music, dancing, going out, meeting new people, time alone, reading, researching and writing.


I never wanted to have children or get married. I hit my 30’s and ended up having my daughter & getting married without planning to.


I love people who can make me belly laugh.


My favourite flower is a yellow rose


People tell me I am too hard on myself, I am ruthless and need to take care of myself more


My dream career was to become a criminal lawyer/psychologist.I became a Travel consultant, writer and at times a jack of all trades -master of none.


I wish I hadn’t stopped learning how to play the piano. I love the piano and I love the violin too. I would love to be an Orchestra conducter

 

Expectations

“If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask… with nothing beneath it?”
Jodi Picoult   

WHY HAVE I CHOSEN THIS QUOTE?

I don’t know about you but I expect only the best from myself. I do this and I set myself up to fail or I am shocked when I succeed.  Can you believe that a lot of people who’s aims and expectations are to succeed when we do succeed -this is the one thing that terrifies them? SUCCESS.

We all have expectations and they have a habit of reflecting yourself and your expectation in other peoples eyes.

Now not only do you have expectations but you interpret that everyone has these expectations of you. Not necessarily true.

It is scary when someone decides to lean on you for survival

Someone you love  gets ill

You suddenly start achieving your goals and you have finally got peoples attention. EEEK. Now what? you feel under-qualified

You have to get Triple A+’s on your exams or papers

You need to blow your work targets through the roof

 Work like a demon,Get into shape and look like a boss on your wedding day  😀

The list is endless.

This quote reminds me to do only what I can. I don’t want to lose myself in ‘I shoulda and I coulda’s

I don’t want to ever have to wear a mask again. I’m transparent ,what you see is what you get. I like being this way.

There is more than something going on inside me but I and you need to be kind to yourself.

Happy Thursday!

 

 

 

Symbol of Love: the Deer

Once upon a time ( keeping in with the theme of love and in the hope that ‘Disney love’ can exist) people believed that painful symptoms of love were an actual physical and mental illness. I suppose that may be where the saying ‘She/he died of a broken heart’ came from.

In medieval times the images of a deer struck with an arrow through the heart, carrying herbs in its mouth was seen as an emblem of lovesickness. The deer is seen as being a symbol with healing powers. People thought that they ate food with medicinal herbs.

c21d69dcd4b960e557b2af0d74d2dc58.jpg

The deer (particularly the doe, females) has the capacity for infinite generosity. Their heart rhythms pulse in soft waves of kindness. Match that graciousness by offering your trust to her. She will reward you by leading you to the most powerful spiritual medicine you can fathom.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-deer.html

 

What does this say about the animation ‘Bambi’? Hate or fear of pure love terrifies and tortures the mind of the common man/woman. Why are we so afraid of something as fragile and innocent and graceful as love?

Perhaps it is because heartache taints the heart when broken.

Yet, how can love  ever be tainted? Sorry I know this is a bit early in the morning to start getting philosophical ( 6 a.m.)

When I  found my soul mate – I didn’t think he was my soul mate. I was telling the guy who did my tattoo yesterday of how I met my hubby -to-be-.  Way back in 2009. I was on a night out and walked into a local pub and was struck by what I saw in front of my eyes. The most beautiful demi-God humbly making drinks for customers. He was so far from my reach. I had to get closer but even then I shook off that initial gut reaction, I knew no matter how close I got to him, I would never reach him. He had long dark hair and funnily enough big soft brown Bambi like eyes with the longest lashes I have ever seen on a man. It looked like someone had stopped by and with an expert stroke of a brush painted the darkest and longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a man. Us, ladies pay to get extensions for this kind of lashes. I did everything I could to get him to pay me attention. I LOST ..

or did I?

 

The ‘Disney love tale’ version is  3 years later I walked into my friends living room and there was my deer-  pure and serene- just chilling on the sofa. I forgot how to breathe. I felt impure. I felt hateful.

(The deer) It is often a sign not to be too hard on yourself. Still the voice of the self critic and treat yourself with gentleness and understanding, be yourself and continue along your path. Seek out your inner treasures and use them generously to help those around you. Trust that kindness and graciousness will be well received.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-deer.html

I was going to frighten him off like the proverbial ‘skittish dear’. This was a curse from Eros I thought.

That imp! With his silly games of the heart.

To fall in love with one and to not have that love reciprocated.

Eros-Bandit-Graffiti

THE ORIGINAL GANGSTER OF LOVE

We are also reminded that we cannot push towards change in others, rather we gently nudge them in the right direction with love and understanding. Lead by doing and showing the way.

 True Love cannot be pushed and forced.

Deer is a messenger of serenity, can see between shadows and hear what isn’t being said.

Deer teaches us to maintain our innocence and gentleness so we can share our open-heartedness with others.

As you know or may not know. All my fears were a bunch of bullshit and we are getting married in June 2016!

So fairy tales do happen – but there is a lot more hard work involved going on behind the scenes than a simple magic glass slipper, a kiss of life and the rest. Love needs nurture, to be fed and to be cultivated. It needs a pure heart and transparency.

christmas-cute-deer-love-sweet-Favim.com-119582.jpg

 (all images sourced from google images)

 

 

ED flares up

So, I have been pretty quiet on how I have been dealing with my Anorexia lately. It has been hell. I went on a detox in July 2015 and put on weight! Yes! I don’t know how I managed it. 

I have been struggling to get rid of the weight although it could have been a combo of muscle too. I am a bit of an exercise bunny.  Anyway At Christmas I  “forgot” how to eat again. I’ve dropped nearly 8 kilos in less than four weeks. 

 

 

I don’t need this shit. My mental health and weight have been stable for nearly 5 years. I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m planning on having a brother/sister for my precious child at the end of the year and I’m succeeding in the volunteering/working world. 

 

I tried loads of different non-medication alternatives and other medication tweaks over the last few months. My C.P.N.  and psychiatrist finally put me back on Diazepam again at my request. I’m on a whack of meds already ( for my Bipolar too) but the lorazepam wasn’t working any more. I  started getting panic attacks around eating again and have survived mainly on water and sweets for a month.

I’ve had hardly any energy to have a proper good work out. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and I don’t want to lose the body I have worked so hard to achieve in four years. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to stay lean. Keep my glossy hair and glowing skin. The remainder of my teeth…

Let’s hope this med change works. Tonight, I’m about to have my first proper sit-down meal with my family in a month. I am terrified. I don’t want to put on too much weight. I’ve chucked all the sweets out and got some good quality veg and seafood. Fruit.  Normal food! 

I am going to do this and move forward. It’s okay to stumble. I have caught it in time. I want my glow back and my energy. I’ve so much work to do this year.  The eating disorder recovery group is happening. I’m still here. I say a big fuck you to Anorexia and I’m fighting back. No more hospitals. I am not a victim. 

I am back!  Not perfect. Always flawed. I am a fighter. 

 

 

What is a Crisis plan?

So, here we are, we have one week to go. Sometimes in spite of planning to stay on top of life stresses, we can and do go into crisis mode. But all is not lost. This part of WRAP -is how to re-gain control when you can’t look after yourself. The link to look at what we have covered in previous weeks and how to create your own wrap is here.

10 weeks of finding out what makes you tick, what you like and what you hate, what to do more of and who and what to avoid. You have found out so much about you, it makes sense that you should write your own crisis plan. 

What is a crisis plan? 

Simply put, it is a 9 step plan you create to put in a detailed plan of what you want other people to know about and what you want people who sign this agreement to follow. I will suggest you do this plan when you are well.

This is not something you should hurry. I have created a powerpoint crisis plan. you can do your plan however you wish. In the UK. the NHS is turning away from Care plan approach and to incorporate a service user-led plan such as WRAP. You know yourself better than anyone and therefore you know what how you want to be treated and what you want to do if you ever slip into crisis mode. Obviously, this is tailor-made for you. Each plan will be unique. 

The 9 parts of the crisis plan are:

  1. What you are like when you are well
  2. Indicators that other people need to take over
  3. Who takes over and who doesn’t
  4. Information on your health-care contact and medication
  5. Acceptable and unacceptable treatments
  6. Home/community care/respite plan
  7. Acceptable and unacceptable hospital facilities
  8. Things others can do that would help
  9. Things others do that don’t help
  10. A list of chores and tasks for others
  11. Indicators the the plan is no longer needed
  12. Signatures from ‘key people’

I’ve put in a lot of thought and effort into my crisis plan as  I want it to work.  This is the final product of  three months of digging deep. It is my plan to stay well and I am serious and committed to it it.

I decided to personalize mine. I have created my crisis plan with power point because I can print out however many copies I need to. There are probably more things I will add to the plan as time goes on.

 MY CRISIS PLAN

WEEK WRAP 11- ‘THE CRISIS PLAN’- CAM CLIP

It is rather a long  clip – 13 minutes.. Apologies for all my waffling.

THAT IS IT.

Be empowered. Your choices are your voice. There is nothing more empowering than your voice to be heard and for your choices/wishes to have listened and implemented