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Good people

These are my words. Mental health awareness week. Look after yourself & remember you are worth more than your mistakes.

Symbol of Love: the Deer

Once upon a time ( keeping in with the theme of love and in the hope that ‘Disney love’ can exist) people believed that painful symptoms of love were an actual physical and mental illness. I suppose that may be where the saying ‘She/he died of a broken heart’ came from.

In medieval times the images of a deer struck with an arrow through the heart, carrying herbs in its mouth was seen as an emblem of lovesickness. The deer is seen as being a symbol with healing powers. People thought that they ate food with medicinal herbs.

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The deer (particularly the doe, females) has the capacity for infinite generosity. Their heart rhythms pulse in soft waves of kindness. Match that graciousness by offering your trust to her. She will reward you by leading you to the most powerful spiritual medicine you can fathom.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-deer.html

 

What does this say about the animation ‘Bambi’? Hate or fear of pure love terrifies and tortures the mind of the common man/woman. Why are we so afraid of something as fragile and innocent and graceful as love?

Perhaps it is because heartache taints the heart when broken.

Yet, how can love  ever be tainted? Sorry I know this is a bit early in the morning to start getting philosophical ( 6 a.m.)

When I  found my soul mate – I didn’t think he was my soul mate. I was telling the guy who did my tattoo yesterday of how I met my hubby -to-be-.  Way back in 2009. I was on a night out and walked into a local pub and was struck by what I saw in front of my eyes. The most beautiful demi-God humbly making drinks for customers. He was so far from my reach. I had to get closer but even then I shook off that initial gut reaction, I knew no matter how close I got to him, I would never reach him. He had long dark hair and funnily enough big soft brown Bambi like eyes with the longest lashes I have ever seen on a man. It looked like someone had stopped by and with an expert stroke of a brush painted the darkest and longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a man. Us, ladies pay to get extensions for this kind of lashes. I did everything I could to get him to pay me attention. I LOST ..

or did I?

 

The ‘Disney love tale’ version is  3 years later I walked into my friends living room and there was my deer-  pure and serene- just chilling on the sofa. I forgot how to breathe. I felt impure. I felt hateful.

(The deer) It is often a sign not to be too hard on yourself. Still the voice of the self critic and treat yourself with gentleness and understanding, be yourself and continue along your path. Seek out your inner treasures and use them generously to help those around you. Trust that kindness and graciousness will be well received.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-deer.html

I was going to frighten him off like the proverbial ‘skittish dear’. This was a curse from Eros I thought.

That imp! With his silly games of the heart.

To fall in love with one and to not have that love reciprocated.

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THE ORIGINAL GANGSTER OF LOVE

We are also reminded that we cannot push towards change in others, rather we gently nudge them in the right direction with love and understanding. Lead by doing and showing the way.

 True Love cannot be pushed and forced.

Deer is a messenger of serenity, can see between shadows and hear what isn’t being said.

Deer teaches us to maintain our innocence and gentleness so we can share our open-heartedness with others.

As you know or may not know. All my fears were a bunch of bullshit and we are getting married in June 2016!

So fairy tales do happen – but there is a lot more hard work involved going on behind the scenes than a simple magic glass slipper, a kiss of life and the rest. Love needs nurture, to be fed and to be cultivated. It needs a pure heart and transparency.

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 (all images sourced from google images)

 

 

ED flares up

So, I have been pretty quiet on how I have been dealing with my Anorexia lately. It has been hell. I went on a detox in July 2015 and put on weight! Yes! I don’t know how I managed it. 

I have been struggling to get rid of the weight although it could have been a combo of muscle too. I am a bit of an exercise bunny.  Anyway At Christmas I  “forgot” how to eat again. I’ve dropped nearly 8 kilos in less than four weeks. 

 

 

I don’t need this shit. My mental health and weight have been stable for nearly 5 years. I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m planning on having a brother/sister for my precious child at the end of the year and I’m succeeding in the volunteering/working world. 

 

I tried loads of different non-medication alternatives and other medication tweaks over the last few months. My C.P.N.  and psychiatrist finally put me back on Diazepam again at my request. I’m on a whack of meds already ( for my Bipolar too) but the lorazepam wasn’t working any more. I  started getting panic attacks around eating again and have survived mainly on water and sweets for a month.

I’ve had hardly any energy to have a proper good work out. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and I don’t want to lose the body I have worked so hard to achieve in four years. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to stay lean. Keep my glossy hair and glowing skin. The remainder of my teeth…

Let’s hope this med change works. Tonight, I’m about to have my first proper sit-down meal with my family in a month. I am terrified. I don’t want to put on too much weight. I’ve chucked all the sweets out and got some good quality veg and seafood. Fruit.  Normal food! 

I am going to do this and move forward. It’s okay to stumble. I have caught it in time. I want my glow back and my energy. I’ve so much work to do this year.  The eating disorder recovery group is happening. I’m still here. I say a big fuck you to Anorexia and I’m fighting back. No more hospitals. I am not a victim. 

I am back!  Not perfect. Always flawed. I am a fighter.