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Be kind to yourself
Self-care is something that gives you pleasure and nourishes your body, spirit and mind.
Sabali wabi sabi
- an experimental piece I wrote inspired by the existential Japanese philosophy- Wabisabi
Does it need to be said
Because the Media makes you think your make up is inappropriate?
If you are horrified to ask Google for mental health support
You know I’m hear to tell it — (once )’for a cause not for an applause’
To avoid the pariah of your mind.
Who you are is important for your wellbeing
Beautiful you are because of your malaise.
Its about what you think.
A unique template for peace of mind.
Alone-thoughts are you,
And yours together.
Others’ opinions must dance alone with their shadows.
Fathoming the world is relative to your state
Your kind.
Diagrams and graphic diagnostics aren’t “normal”!
Natural ?!
Necessary?
Merely for inferences and academic utterances.
Your Beauty is personified by playful events racing around your head.
Love it like you love…
…another human
Beings
Those who have numbers and words yet can’t calculate when there’s enough unsaid.
Needs are experiences.
Feelings are needs…
Interpret the world through the vessel of your spirited Self.
When skies hang drab
Do you dazzle because you can see a scattered horizon of hope — as a possibility ?
When the Others tether connections
Tumble into an abyss —
Can you see their limits ?
Step back.
Allow them to be.
Is your world subject to scrutiny because of how you interpret human nature?
Do you deviate from society’s accusations of what is the trending status quo?
What if the box you live in is… outside?
What if you build a bridge
Bearing a cross
Over to acceptable taboos ?
Breath prescribed by an arched smile.
Diagnose yourself Beautiful- because of your laments.
Before time becomes an absolute Obsession
Forecasting the outcome to the finale to the play of ‘This is your Life’.
Take moments to repose.
Free yourself from the expectation
To be your career
To win over the Marvel comic genderless hero.
Deprecate your expectations to finance your inner Happiness resources.
This entity is inside your realm of Consciousness — restless
Trodden and stamped into a standing pose.
Moments of reflection pace
Forwards then backwards
Misunderstood
Are you what you want to be?
Can you begin a journey if you don’t understand where you are at?
Certainly living up to some other lifer’s calculation should
Pause your being into a statuesque introspection.
To dismiss your guttural instincts will unravel you at the seams— out-thread you out of your very own mind.
Success comes from mapping out your own directions.
Hopeful-to wake up to another day of understanding ‘This is your Life’.
Your ability to comprehend, foreshadows your failed attempts to claw out of the darkest pit.
Sounds of the ocean lap to your melody.
Nothing that you feel about Today
Can conceive the trembling murmurs cut off from the guillotine of your Sanity.
In all of your figurements…are you determined to act out your suicides because you fear your inability to state your arousel ?
Who you are
Is that wrong?
Thoughts pre empt if everything is filled in with Leftism.
Resist apologising
Dismiss you have the good view
Change your world
Thoughtfully
Refuse every thing
That threatens your Passions —
That provokes beta beatings whistling out of tune.
Precious notions find a sense of disambiguation before the matter resolves itself.
Do you tell others to respond to what you fail to question?
Where is the perversity in watching the death of your inner Flinch — to conclude this delusion ?
What if you won’t be the canvas that contains an abstract spectrum fading you out of very own Self ?
Look on at those who shrink into their frames bled of every shade of hues
Is this what you want?
Scars -a bloody unwanted reminder
Writing prompt -Scars
One scar I have is huge – it almost wraps all the way around my upper wrist -it is 2-3 cm wide. Indented, It reminds me of a dried upriver.
The cause?
Domestic violence.
Before I continue…
Domestic abuse & Toxic relationships
Rape -NO means NO.
I’m going to state the obvious here.
Domestic violence is a relationship fucks about with your mental health, whether you love the person or not.
Toxic relationships have usually tipped me over into using shitty coping mechanisms like drinking too much, taking drugs, overdosing and not managing my medication or my eating disorder and Bipolar.
So back to the blood river scar.
One night- no
Another night of heavy drinking and arguing, I found me in a house -not mine- that looked like a slaughterhouse. all dirty browns. There was a rusty scent of blood impossible to ignore.
Every time I inhaled, the scent would drip down the back of my throat like a tap -I could taste it too.
I had mixed copious amounts of alcohol with my medication and all I remember is trying to push my ex away with my left hand ( I am left-handed), he grabbed my arm and I struggled back.
BLACKOUT
An image.
An arm.
a massive shard of re-enforced window glass- barbered- poking out of my right arm.
Another image.
the back of my exes legs and back running up the stairs.
PANIC
BLOOD
DRINK
VODKA
WHERE IS THE ORANGE JUICE?
WHERE IS THE GLASS?
WHERE IS MY EX?
BLOOD
DRIP
BLOOD
DRIP
BLOOD
DRIP
BLOOD
DRIP
PANIC
PANIC
An arm coated thick with blood. I wear it like an accessory
Blood makes noise.
I hear screaming.
Mine.
Ex reappears and tries to grab me.
I try to run away.
PANIC
BLOOD
DRIP
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.
Why is my ex naked?
In the middle of the street?
Rolling on the floor with me- trying to muffle my screams with his hand. Trying to stop me from running away...
BLOOD
MIND FUCKERY at its best.
“Look what you have done…” ex says.
6 hours later – location: hospital.
The doctor asks to speak with me in private. My ex doesn’t want to leave my side.
I don’t say anything. quack quack! quack quack! quack quack! the word on a loop…
“What happened?” he wants to know.
“We don’t know. We were drinking. I can’t remember. It was an accident.” my ex speaks for us.
My head bows down,it almost appears as if I am nodding. I can’t quite remember.
What I do remember feels like I have made it up, it is so detached from my mind and emotions. It is about as close to me as Pluto or Saturn.
3 days in hospital my ex never left my side.
Not even to go home to wash or brush his teeth.
I wasn’t alone- my mother was with us too.
I was high on morphine for the pain.
Why didn’t they operate sooner?
Did they want to monitor me?
The situation?
Us?
three days later… I’m being wheeled on the hospital bed- away from the stale, coughing ward…
“countback with me from 10,” says the anaesthetist.
“ 10 , 9 ,8 ……“
BLACKOUT
“1”. my eyes burst open. I gasp a breath. It is like I’ve been living in a homemade sac filled with half shallow water and half air.
Disorientated.
What happened?
I look down at the artwork the surgeon has done.
No more blood.
re-stuffed re-patched, recovered,
by a micro surgical hand.
Discharged.
Back to the carnival freak show.
I enter his home – a massacre.
Dry blood everywhere.
Smell.
Bleach.
Sound.
Scrubbing brushes.
Stubborn blood.
If only it could serve as a reminder of what actually happened that night.
“I don’t remember” the ex says.
How can he and I not know?
Every time I look at my scar I am reminded of the chaos that was my life for 4 years.
This scar says –
mutilation.
despair.
secrets.
emotions numbed.
detachment.
silence.
This scar reminds me to NEVER be silent in the name of so-called love or a sense of loyalty to one who claimed to love me so much he would do anything to keep me.
http://www.vevo.com/watch/suzanne-vega/blood-makes-noise/USIV20300313
When I left him, I did not take his threats seriously.
What he did next gave serious competition with the scar I see.
That everyone can see.
Toxic relationships result in a severe loss – sometimes that means your life.
Think carefully about what and who your life may include.
I was reborn again on the 06/05/2015.
The day the court ordered social services out of my life.
The day that my ex turned his back on me, is the day I realised I had been holding my breath for years.
I had forgotten how to breathe. I might have been dead- a wanderer.
06/05/2015 -I remembered not only how to breathe again but why.
Life -not just my own but that who is of me.
Life is precious
Life is my responsibility
WRAP_ When things are at breaking point
Okay, so if you have been creating your WRAP from week one. YAY! what a journey it has been, hasn’t it? And for those who haven’t you can always CLICK ON THIS LINK and see how you too can start your very own Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP).
Here is a clip describing a bit of week 10 When things are breaking down
Week 10 -down. WOW! two weeks and my three-month’ gift’ is coming to an end. I will save my personal thoughts and other group members thoughts on WRAP in week 12. I just want to point out that I did not think I would get much out of this but I can promise you I have learned so much about myself, how I tick, what helps me, what doesn’t help me and loads of empowering self-help techniques. WRAP is free. It was given to me as a ‘gift’ and I give it to you as a ‘gift’. No extras. No-fuss!
This weeks session focused on when you have ignored or not seen the trigger or Early warning signs and you can feel yourself slipping into meltdown, the plan to get that job is not going as it should, there have been delays in moving to where you are moving too. Your relationship is at breaking point, you can find no relief for your chronic pain if you have MS or Cancer even, but there is still a chance that you can pull yourself back and re-own your yourself.
Here is my breakdown list of signs and symptoms I feel when I start to feel like everything has turned to jelly. The stability is just that little bit further out of reach. My list is very focused on Eating disorders because this is where my mind is at but I am fighting to regain my control. It is my responsibility to stay well. I can do this with WRAP.
WHEN THINGS ARE BREAKING DOWN
- weigh myself obsessively
- take more photographs of myself to compare them to what I think I see in the mirror
- My perception of my body is split and fractured. I am unable to focus on my body as a whole entity
- Panic attacks
- Don’t want to or I am feel unable to communicate
- Seriously thinking or actively starting to cut down on fluids and food intake
- I refuse to try on clothes that I didn’t wear when I was at a body weight I deemed acceptable
- I will push myself to go 24 hours 7 until I collapse
- I don’t want to g out
- I want to or stop taking my medication to get my Bipolar highs
- withhold love and affection -I don’t feel worthy of the two.
- Lose my sense of humour
- all seems doom and gloom
- feel that everyone hates me or has a problem with me
- Using degrading language on myself eg. I’m fat, I’m stupid. -all un helpful thoughts and mantras
- I feel I am an empty vessel -no personality a loss of identity
- I’m selfish and refuse or can’t look at the world around me and what is happening outside of my illness
- I think about escaping- or over dosing on my prescription medication or act on it
- Short tempered
- Angry at myself
- Depressed
- Anxious
- It becomes harder to look after myself. It becomes harder to look after my daughter
- Sleep for days at a time or not sleep for days at a time
- buy exercise energy enhanced pills on line
- over exercise for over three hours with no breaks
- Indecisive- small choices are hard to make
- feel disconnected to reality. I can reinforce this buy not wearing my glasses or contact lenses.
- Spend less time with my daughter. I don’t want her to pick up on my emotions and for her to see me in a ‘weak’ role
That is my list. It is a tough list to do but if you are thorough and honest with yourself then we can take all these symptoms and experiences and start an Action Plan. All is not lost but it feels pretty close to lost.
You need to start brainstorming what you can or will try to do to get you back on an even keel.
Create an Action plan
Mine is:
call my C.P.N. or my psychiatrist
Speak to someone I can trust- use my circle of protection. I have a select group of people I have entrusted into my personal space to help me when I I feel like things are breaking down
I can look at my maintenance tools from week two and three and try see if I can reign things in a bit
look at the different uniqueness I have learned eg. the art of moment therapy, mindfulness, take my thoughts to caught, wise mind
( you can always add more to your list as and when something you think will help you stay away from completely breaking down.
That’s it for this week.
Be kind to yourself .Give yourself an affirmation to say for the week, do something for you.
Self care-
“Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” -UNKNOWN
Ha! I love this quote. I very rarely let myself truly chill out and veg. This weekend was the first weekend and time in over a year that I have given my mind and body a true chance to chill and enjoy being in the moment.
Why do we think that what we do is– nothing? not enough?
I look back over the years and, at this moment in time, no, I don’t have a 9-5 job.
However, I have been working harder than I would, ( I am talking about me here), say if I had been working in a 9-5 job.
I’ve only just realised how important it is to take some time away from my work and what I do.
I love being active and in the last couple weeks-everything, I love to do stopped being fun any more.
I was even getting stressed out about some of the things I do to wind down, an example is Blogging. It was having the opposite effect. I was getting way too grumpy.
I even thought of taking a break from it.
I have just realised that all I needed was a couple of days to
-
not get too worried about being up to date with my posts
-
not work out to my most difficult dance work out session
-
not only seeming to eat bloody fruit until the wedding.
-
not having to be the most awesome .. insert title here……
-
not worry an have that inner belief that I can give my all in whatever I have going on next week.
It’s Sunday and I woke up at 10. It does help to have a Bella Bee free night.
I didn’t wake up at 5 am to start blogging and reading blogs. I know I can do that later on today and this week and next week and the week after that.
Here is the philosophical bit.
I don’t know if it is age but my mental state is finally starting to shift.
I have my goals but I have finally started to stop trying to prove to people that they have to like me or what I do or say or write.
I care about a lot of people and support many people here and in my “real life” but I now know I don’t need their approval.
Not all people will get me or you.
Don’t take it to heart.
No, seriously,
Usually, if someone seems to ignore you, is hostile, is not consistent with how they treat you. If you are always left feeling drained or uncomfortable and generally bummed out around certain people.
99% of the time, it is not something you need to figure out.
It is usually all about what that person has going on in their head.
People who judge and are critical to others, try and target the people who are themselves and who are 100% genuine and happy with what they are doing and where they are going. Haters try to make you question if you are good enough with what you do or have. They never give you anything but a serious doubt in your abilities.
Usually, whatever seems like a reflection on you and who you are and how you are – isn’t.
I know I am the only person who knows myself better than anyone. If I trust my gut instincts, I know how to reign myself in, reflect on my own judgements and check out what is going on with me.
Not everyone is comfortable with the fact I don’t hide certain ‘”skeletons” of my life in an overflowing wardrobe, that I supposedly should be ashamed to share.
My thinking is – I share them because I fucking got over them.
If you don’t like that I am not all caught up in an eternal self- mind fuckery, that is your problem, not mine.
I and you. We all have a life to live.
There is a great life out there to see and experience. We need to take time to chill and do our own thing. Even if it seems like we are doing nothing. We are usually doing a lot.
I am convinced that all the things I have lined up for this next week -will be tackled with 100% passion and commitment.
I’m feeling fresh, energised (amazing what a few haribos can do)
That’s it from me.
Daisy ❤
