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PERMISSION: to Fuck up and pick myself up

“I fuck up all the time. I also make sure I get my shit together and fight for what I want  and who I want in my life. I can’t fight for the ones who give up on me but I can only wish them the very best “

DAISY WILLOWS

Apologies for not reading as many Blogs as usual. I have read as many as my mind can take in.  It’s been pretty rough for me lately.

WWJD?

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WWDD?

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All very “woe  is me” and it has got boring!

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 but it is a  new -ish day!

I needed too get something optimistic out into the Blogo sphere

My tuition loan for my MA in Creative writing has come through- waiting on  one more loan to come through.

I don’t take no for an answer!

Then 2 years from now I will do a mini PHD top up and go and rule my world!

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Oh and in other great News,

I’ve been officially approved on the WRAP training facilitator course in September. If you don’t know about it yet. You will do. I will merge my own personal WRAP PLAN and journey with my new role of holding the space for others to have courage and believe in themselves and feel safe to go on their own journey .

I’m not a teacher, merely a person who has  a chance to offer support.

Volunteering with  charities in Mental Health is the best thing I started doing with my life.

They know I have been ill , may even get ill again.  The point is, if I don’t put myself out there I will not have a chance to seize any opportunities.

Volunteering gives me drive, Keeps me focused, empowers me to do my best in life and if I manage to help a few people out on the way then what more can I ask for?

 

 Oh and here is how I was able to get on this course. Scroll down to check out my PLEA to get on this training.

Just hit scroll if you don’t want to hear me go on for oh 5 minutes on my video cam… 😀

This is my career. I take it seriously.

If you want to listen to me waffle about how I felt about WRAP way back in December 2015 – feel free. 5 minutes of me talking!

Oh the excitement! 😉

 Oh  and if you don’t want to know about WRAP.

I’m offended.

Ha ha! I’m not.

My WRAP page needs updating but if you want to know what Daisy get’s like when she is passionate and determined  CLICK HERE.

Never thought that me filming myself nearly a year ago would lead me to this.

Carpe Diem!

MY PLEA

  1. I, Daisy Willows,agree to abide by the WRAP ethics and values.

*PLEASE ANSWER THESE FOUR QUESTIONS TO CONFIRM YOUR PLACE ON THE TRAINING*

 

  1. ABOUT MY WRAP EXPERIENCES AND HOW I USE WRAP IN MY LIFE

When I was given the opportunity to be a part of WRAP, I didn’t know how much it was going to impact on my life and the lives of others.

I was and am by nature sceptical. I have relied on medication and psychotherapy and in patient treatment as a way of managing my mental health for most of my life.

WRAP was a three-month period where I began to realise that I could have more of a say in how I want to be treated and how I could cope differently.

I learnt so much. I now have so many different ways of coping and I find that when my mental health does dips, I do get back to being in a better mind state more quickly because of some of the techniques I have learned and adopted.

I believe WRAP is personal and unique to everyone who participates. I don’t think I took away the same thing as any  one of my peers.

It was an opportunity to discover more about myself. How I can help myself.

I learned to work as a team. I felt safe and I didn’t feel judged.

3.MY REASONS FOR WANTING TO BECOME A WRAP FACILLATOR

 WRAP has given me the confidence and skills to live a life I want to live. I want to be able to share that with others

I am able to take every aspect of what is covered in WRAP and either use it myself or pass on what I have learnt to others who may need advice.

I believe WRAP is the way forward with the CPA. I have given a plan over to my professionals who support me about my wants and what I don’t want to happen if I go into a crisis again.

I have alternative ways of coping with my wellness toolbox. I also have a post crisis plan to let people know when I am getting better and I can start taking more responsibility for what I can’t when I have been unwell.

WRAP is truly the best gift I ever received.

Is there anything bad to say about WRAP?

Well I suppose an open mind helps.

It requires commitment to wanting to improve my life and consistency.

4.WHAT I WISH  TO DO WITH MY WRAP QUALIFICATION

Spread the word. Let  people know there is another way to manage Life in many different ways. I want be a Wrapper. Use my qualification to just offer support. I am no teacher but I can give my time and my energy and my listening skills. I am enthusiastic and passionate about WRAP. I believe I will be a great asset to getting this programme and alternative way of living out into our community. I use WRAP every day, even when I am not even aware it.

Daisy is a sentient “monster”.

We all have to start somewhere to get to somewhere else right?

A year of volunteering and training done so far and all of the effort has been 100% worth it.

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So, today I am very proud to say I successfully helped to put together a Mental health awareness workshop and co -facilitate it.

I felt so at home. I felt the most comfortable I have ever been. I’ve helped out with a few workshops before but this was like my mini baby step to doing something I didn’t think I could do.

‘Be your greatest cheerleader – nobody else is likely too.’

DAISY WILLOWS

Upon reflection I realised we still have a long way to go to reduce and breakdown Stigma against Mental health issues in our community and society.

I stick by my rule of always being authentic. I have nothing to hide.  The more I shared, the more  I felt I connected with other people.

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People opened up  and it was awesome to observe this.

We all have mental health and I discovered a lot of people have similar issues. We deal with them in different ways and some can have more extreme ways of coping than others or vice versa.

I’m on a roll here . ha ha

I know what you are thinking. Just let me have this moment? Please!

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United, we can break down the stigma attached to mental health and address the issue properly.

We all have a mind and a body -so no one- unless a person defines themselves as an actual (not metaphorical)   robot- is susceptible to having Positive mental health and Negative mental health over the course of a life time.

Why do we feel ashamed to be labelled?  We quite happily wear labels like Prada , Gucci, Matalan , doctor , chef , cleaner, politician ?

I don’t have any shame in what I have done or what I have been through. I have so much respect for the people I meet here and in the real world.

I am truly on a mission.

Perfection is unattainable!

We need to leave that with the Romans.

Look to the future .

Even better pause and take time to enjoy the moment. Look around you and be happy with what you have.

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Don’t read beauty magazines or buy into the celeb media market.

Pick up a book and expand your mind.  Take pictures. Paint, draw, act.  Get creative.

I have recently found out that a lot of people Photoshop ( I mean really Photoshop) their social media images.

No wonder I don’t recognise people when I am out and about in the big wide world.

I am kind of  joking . 😀

 I do day dream when I am out and about.

I always have a million things going on in my head.

Not everyone does this Photoshop thing  but to know that people do, just made my jaw drop.

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So I am going to stick with being real. It seems to be working.

I can smile at strangers in the street and they smile back.

We are all human.

We need food, exercise ,sleep, a toilet…….  Can you see where I am going with this?

That’s it for now.

I did it.

We did it.

Totally motivated and ready to break down stigma.

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My  mantra is:

‘I am successful at whatever I do.’ 

no matter if that means getting out of bed or getting my degree.

 

Trapped

Motivation .

Deportation. 

What must I do with the tug that pulls at my rubber  heart like a current working against the frequency waves of my mind?

You’ve won a trip to wonderland!

Can I take my bed with me?  I’m finding it hard to stand. 

Look at your dress!  You are going to make a beautiful bride.

Everyone you  love is coming.

Heart and mind can’t you connect and just be normal and run with this ride?

Motion.

Potion. 

There must be something I can do to make me tick-tock  without the need to be  wound up every hour.

You have been Given 50 grand to buy whatever catches that mag pie eye of yours!

Can I take my bed with me ? I find it easier to shop if I  am in a position where I am flat and  can lie.

Look at the state of your current wardrobe. You have the chance to come home with bags of vintage finds!

Everyone will want to mimic your own inimitable fashion style.

Heart and Mind cant you connect and just be normal and and fall within the right lines?

Distasteful .

Disgraceful .

How am I going to get out of this  mind- full, conundrum soup when  I’ m not even given the correct utensils?

Look you have the key to happiness, it is my gift to you .All you have to do is unlock it!

Can  I take my bed with me so I can laugh  at your attempts to tell me what I crave is within me?  Let me have a snack and  scoff for a bit.

Look within you.  All you desire is hidden in that quagmire. 

Every one who loves you wants you to break free from this Sisyphus like dream state .

Heart and Mind  I need too show you how to connect again. I want to feel what my life reflects -allow me one last attempt to become everyone’s favourite   sunbeam, mate .

I need one last line ,

to make this life mine.

Again?

when?

Now.

I’m sick of living in a sand bed ,low tide -in  a place where chances of survival is hidden in an oasis-mirage like  den .

 

 

 

ED flares up

So, I have been pretty quiet on how I have been dealing with my Anorexia lately. It has been hell. I went on a detox in July 2015 and put on weight! Yes! I don’t know how I managed it. 

I have been struggling to get rid of the weight although it could have been a combo of muscle too. I am a bit of an exercise bunny.  Anyway At Christmas I  “forgot” how to eat again. I’ve dropped nearly 8 kilos in less than four weeks. 

 

 

I don’t need this shit. My mental health and weight have been stable for nearly 5 years. I’m getting married in 5 months, I’m planning on having a brother/sister for my precious child at the end of the year and I’m succeeding in the volunteering/working world. 

 

I tried loads of different non-medication alternatives and other medication tweaks over the last few months. My C.P.N.  and psychiatrist finally put me back on Diazepam again at my request. I’m on a whack of meds already ( for my Bipolar too) but the lorazepam wasn’t working any more. I  started getting panic attacks around eating again and have survived mainly on water and sweets for a month.

I’ve had hardly any energy to have a proper good work out. I have lost a lot of muscle tone and I don’t want to lose the body I have worked so hard to achieve in four years. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to stay lean. Keep my glossy hair and glowing skin. The remainder of my teeth…

Let’s hope this med change works. Tonight, I’m about to have my first proper sit-down meal with my family in a month. I am terrified. I don’t want to put on too much weight. I’ve chucked all the sweets out and got some good quality veg and seafood. Fruit.  Normal food! 

I am going to do this and move forward. It’s okay to stumble. I have caught it in time. I want my glow back and my energy. I’ve so much work to do this year.  The eating disorder recovery group is happening. I’m still here. I say a big fuck you to Anorexia and I’m fighting back. No more hospitals. I am not a victim. 

I am back!  Not perfect. Always flawed. I am a fighter. 

 

 

Self medicate

When it comes to looking after my own mental health; the one thing I have found hard to control is self-medicating.

  • You know -a few drinks mixed with some hardcore benzodiazepine and possibly a smoke of weed -all night and into the morning: is probably not going to do me and my mind and body any good.

I used to self medicate for years. I’ve been mostly stable these past 5 years. Taken my meds as prescribed and trying more holistic ways of coping.

So mindfulness- staying in the moment is a good discipline to practice. CBT -distraction. Finding out what my interests are.

These days I work with mental health charities. I’m trying to make a full-time career from it. It’s amazing what experience and a better state of mental health have done for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not magically cured. On New Years Eve, I met up with a guy I knew would be up for a mad session of partying. Something in me needed to connect. I needed to plug into that buzz I used to get.

Lesson learned for me

Going back to old coping mechanisms to ease my mental health issues is mostly going to end up in tears.

It did.

With me walking home after ‘my friend’ kicked me out of his house saying I was psycho. I can’t remember a lot of the night but I do know that is one heavy accusation coming from someone with his back ground and record.

I don’t usually mind casual use of words like ‘psycho’ and ‘loony’ in certain contexts, although I am mindful when and who I use them with. What did hurt more than anything was him telling me I am a psycho.

These acts of rebellion as I like to call them are few and far between these days. When they do occur I learn the lesson quicker. Go on a downer and then build myself back up within a day or two. I exercise. I do a lot of positive self-talk and I cut ties with the negativity.

I’m pretty chilled and easy to talk to in real life. I am getting married in 6 months to an incredibly supportive man who gets my turbulent acts of rebellion. Of course, they can’t happen too often otherwise the disrespect in our relationship would kind of snip  in two.

It is hard not to self medicate and get on the right medication.  My illness requires tweaking here and there.

The main message I want anyone to take away from this post if any is, that I don’t feel ashamed for having an illness..

I am ashamed of how reckless and out of control I get when I take my mental health for advantage.

It’s 2016. A brand new page. Well, we are four pages into it 🙂

No more parties and highly overrated expectations to waste my money.  and act like a woman with no responsibilities.

As long as do what I can to keep myself on the upper end of the mental health scale,then I know I am doing the best I can.

I could have used other ways to deal with New Year’s Eve but I chose to get ‘crazy’ and relinquish myself and power to my illness.

Mental health issues are hard to gain control of. Sometimes I just live as best as I can. Keep things simple. Keep my life simple. Be a Mum and a sort of responsible person. I have learnt quite a few tools to cope over the past 5 years.

I am more than happy to pass on some tools and ways to cope other than medication. I use a combination. This is my first post so I will go easy.

Get rid of the negative shit in your life. It is so empowering! Once that negative bubble has been popped and you take the first step to the other dark side- lots of cookies, hot chocolate, movies. Simple pleasures. If you take that small step you will start to attract positive people and have positive experiences in your life.

Daisy