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Self care-

“Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” -UNKNOWN

Ha! I love this quote. I very rarely let myself truly chill out and veg. This weekend was the first weekend and time in over a year that I have given my mind and body a true chance to chill and enjoy being in the moment.

Why do we think that what we do is– nothing? not enough?

I look back over the years and, at this moment in time, no, I don’t have a 9-5 job.

However, I have been working harder than I would, ( I am talking about me here), say if I had been working in a 9-5 job.

I’ve only just realised how important it is to take some time away from my work and what I do.

I love being active and in the last couple weeks-everything, I love to do stopped being fun any more.

 I was even getting stressed out about some of the things I do to wind down, an example is  Blogging. It was having the opposite effect. I  was getting way too grumpy.

I even thought of taking a break from it.

I have just  realised that all  I  needed was  a couple of days to

  • not get too worried about being up to date with my posts

  •  not  work out to my most difficult dance work out session

  •   not only seeming to eat bloody fruit until the wedding.

  •  not having to be the most awesome .. insert title here……

  •  not worry an have that inner belief that  I can give my all in whatever I have going on next week.

It’s Sunday and I woke up at 10. It does help to have a Bella Bee free night.

I didn’t wake up at 5 am to start blogging and reading blogs. I know I can do that later on today and this week and next week and the week after that.

Here is the philosophical bit.

I don’t know if it is age but my mental state is finally starting to shift.

I have my goals but I have finally started to stop trying to prove to people that they have to like me or what I do or say or write.

I care about a lot of people and support many people here and in my “real life” but I  now know I don’t need their approval.

Not all people will get me or you.

Don’t take it to heart.

No, seriously,

Usually, if someone seems to ignore you, is hostile,  is not consistent with how they treat you. If you are always left feeling drained or uncomfortable and generally bummed out around certain people.

99% of the time, it is not something you need to figure out.

It is usually all about what that person has going on in their head.

People who judge and are critical to others, try and target the people who are themselves and who are 100% genuine and happy with what they are doing and where they are going. Haters try to make you question if you are good enough with what you do or have. They never give you anything but a serious doubt in your abilities.

Usually, whatever seems like a reflection on you and who you are and how you are –  isn’t.

I know I am the only person who knows myself better than anyone. If I trust my gut instincts, I know how to reign myself in, reflect on my own judgements and check out what is going on with me.

Not everyone is comfortable with the fact I don’t hide certain ‘”skeletons”  of my life in an overflowing wardrobe, that I  supposedly should be ashamed to share.

My thinking is  – I share them because I fucking got over them.

If you don’t like that I am not all caught up in an eternal self- mind fuckery, that is your problem, not mine.

I and you. We all have a life to live.

There is a great life out there to see and experience. We need to take time to chill and do our own thing.  Even if it seems like we are doing nothing. We are usually doing a lot.

I am convinced that all the things I have lined up for this next week -will be tackled with 100% passion and commitment.

I’m feeling fresh, energised (amazing what a few haribos can do)

That’s it from me.

Daisy  ❤

 

 

Mercy for a chancer

 

 

 

When I say I want to disappear

By God, I truly want to conjure dark sorcery

never come back to this planet.

I’ve tried  to take my breathe  many times

 This might sound like Self -pity ( perhaps it is).

But I’m not here to get into it.

These are about my feelings.

I’m not a poet. I’m a person who has feelings & thoughts I need to express.

I’m not trying to hurt anybody.

I’m trying to live the best way I can,

I’ve tried to take my life many times (and) yet, here I am.

I do the best I can.

Deep pan Pizza, Fried Chicken,Sushi, Prosecco.

Get my fringe trimmed,

My daughter, a mermaid’s tail.

My husband.

Yes, I have sinned!

But I’m still here.

And all I want to do is disappear because I know that

Eventually-

Everyone I love,

Everyone I know is going to be gone.

And I wouldn’t have made the bonds with who I brought into this Life

Mor the people  I’ve met or come across.

I won’t have secured any bonds.

I am lost

I am always forlorn.

Flawed

I wear my

heart on my sleeve and

I cry. I

pace this kitchen over & over

And no I don’t have an excuse for relapsing

And I don’t have an excuse for what I have done.

If there’s one thing I am certain of my heart was invested in it all.I’m trying to do the best I can!

I wish I wasn’t here. I have plans- is this a death threat?

I don’t know.

All I know is there is pizza cooking, and I’m on my last tether

Overdoses don’t do it.

Maybe hang myself?

I’m (just) so far gone. This is not even a poem.

 

 

(Today)

Sa Roc

My mental health kick ass anthem. If you are female you should listen to this to gain strength over your triumphs and understand your grief. Men – if you love women- you will appreciate our complexity and emotions and way of self expression through Sa Roc’s lyrics- she is dynamite.

This is testimony to the massive talent on the hip hop/rap scene in the U.K.

Passionate about music, cultures, original beats and discovering new genres?

Hey I’m still here. I’m suffering from coming back from a walking slumber.  Mental health problems,eh?

Who would choose to have them?

Ha ha!

Not me.

On a lighter note , my Bengal cat, Miss Tatiana

has most definitely inherited my eating disorder.

She puked all over her food. EUUURGH!

Is that meant to be a joke, Daisy?

Well, whatever right?

Keep writing and being creative.

Keep making music and works of arts cos you are all dope.

Here’s a song to blow your mind.

I don’t want to be cheesy and give the lyrics but I may revise this post.

If I do….

You will find the lyrics below.

Listen to GOATS2BDazee – me!

My playlist.

If you  wanna?

When I wake up, no makeup, half naked, I feel like I’m the shit
Pardon my language, but hang ups do not define the kid
No, I’m not flawless, I’m scarred up and I’m fine with it
My body art a laundry list of all of life’s unkindnesses
But—I still sip tea and chant om, and live free, cuz hardships and heartbreaks, turn to rap epiphanies
And mom told me stay woke cuz all gold ain’t glistening
Choose your words wisely cuz the all knowing’s listening
But, no worries. I’m Gucci
My thighs a lil juicy, my dialogue lil awkward, my idols still move me
My life is a movie, like Raheem and Mookie, I’m just trying to do the right thing, hope that it improves me
My bamboos are costume, sue me
You’ll be soon accustomed to me
This the moral, I got royal hemoglobin coursing thru me
And my strength is now inhuman, I get that straight from my umi
Signed and sealed from out the grill of yours and truly

You betta shine on em baby, you a star. You betta
Be exactly who you are-Forever
Cuz they gon try and change your heart. Don’t let up
Cuz You so damn fine, just the way you are
You betta shine on em baby, you a star. You betta
Be exactly who you are-Forever
Cuz they gon try and change your heart. Don’t let up
Cuz You so damn fine, just the way you are

I ain’t get here overnight
I was in that mirror like 4-5 times a week, with my mala beads reciting affirmations like holy rites
And I still don’t know everything
But I guess confessions from 8 x 11s in studio sessions seem like it’s only right
And trust me, this my therapy, fuck yo couch, Finna murk all these Murphy types funny styling me, shut your mouth
Touch me, I’m slaughtering crews, squads, goons, teams, the queen is coming to rule your region, coming for all of your assets, plus your house
I ain’t always have it in me
No tolerance for pretending
I was 14 yrs old forcing pills down my throat so my baby fat diminished
Still got the scars from cutting my wrists when I thought that life was finished
Now they remind me what my lows look like now I know the sky’s the limit
Ok. Never claimed to be perfect
That’s an impossible dream
I’m just saying that I’m worth it
That’s the responsible thing
Spent half my life trying find my light from outside sources, while the only voice that mattered came from me

Lyrics from Genuis.

The Art of Happiness 1

We criticise ourselves so much -it is always good to remind ourselves of our achievements, fun times, parts of our character that we know is good. The art of happiness is about honouring the good in ourselves and others. No person is responsible for our finding inner happiness. It is an art and is subjective.


QUOTES FOR THE SOUL


“Poems can’t judge you for healing wrong but a therapist could.”


If you always look downwards you will always see a pavement of despair. If you lift your head up and always look around you and to the sky you will always have many directions to lead a life of every imaginable feeling that is indeed the skies limit

 

11 EMPOWERING FACTS ABOUT ME AND FOR ME


I have a BA (Hons) in the Arts and humanities – majored in ‘Advanced creative writing’ and ‘Myth in the Greek and Roman Worlds’ & A post-graduate certificate in the Humanities. I’ve finished one year of my MA in Advanced Creative writing.


I have lived on three continents – Africa- Europe and America
I’ve dedicated many spare hours to working/volunteering my time with Mental health charities.


I have a Foundation degree in Acting performance that I completed when I was 5 months pregnant & in a soul damaging relationship at the time.


My cousin made me audition for the X factor because she didn’t want to do it alone. I sang ‘Nothing compares’ Sinead O’ Conner & thought I had a chance. I stopped halfway through “auditioning’, opened my eyes and looked at the judges- their faces crushed my short-lived dream of being a singer. I can’t sing at all.


I think I am an introvert but I come to life in groups.


People say I am witty and funny although it tends to happen when I don’t mean to or try to be.


I love music, dancing, going out, meeting new people, time alone, reading, researching and writing.


I never wanted to have children or get married. I hit my 30’s and ended up having my daughter & getting married without planning to.


I love people who can make me belly laugh.


My favourite flower is a yellow rose


People tell me I am too hard on myself, I am ruthless and need to take care of myself more


My dream career was to become a criminal lawyer/psychologist.I became a Travel consultant, writer and at times a jack of all trades -master of none.


I wish I hadn’t stopped learning how to play the piano. I love the piano and I love the violin too. I would love to be an Orchestra conducter

 

I am sexy and I finally feel it

“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature” – Marilyn Monroe

WHY THIS QUOTE ?

We are all adults- at least I hope you are and if you are a teenager reading this post, it should empower you.

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I am not shy to speak about sex, my sexuality and my experiences. I won’t go into to loads of detail. So this is not a post that needs a adult only rating.

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I’ve not had any positive male role models in my life who have shown me how a  woman and her sexuality  should be treated: with respect.

My Dad and I had a distant relationship. I mean this in a role model way.

I can say that almost all of my life, I have felt like I have had to serve men. I’ve never thought about my own pleasure.  I always found myself needing to fake it ,to get through it as quick as possible ,so that whichever partner I was with at the time got what he wanted.

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I have never, in all my years experienced a sexual experience where I felt safe, sober,sexy,adventurous for my own gain and respected.

It is no secret that I have been exploited by men from the age of 5 years old. I’m not going into this now because this is not what this post is about.

However,  at this age , was  the starting point for where I set my bar for what I would allow a man to do to me sexually. I have never enjoyed being touched. I  have always felt unsatisfied.

 Before G,I can recall one occasion when I had sex and felt connected and fulfilled and respected

.One of those moments where I woke up naked in the arms of this person and all our parts fit together. Each body part found a way to be not two but one.

It feels like I have had this sexual exploitation radar switched on for 15 odd years.

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I didn’t know what I liked or how to enjoy myself. I attracted men who didn’t get me. In all fairness I  was a  a mighty glacier to contend with.

Some men tried to be patient but I gave nothing of myself. I didn’t know how to give anything. It all felt unnatural. They tried to chip away the ice but mostly ended up chipping away more of my self esteem and confidence.   Their words always sounded  a bit like this to me

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I COULD ALWAYS SEE THROUGH WORDS DRESSED UP WITH FLOWER FOLIAGE

 

 I forced myself to buy into to it but I never felt the urge to just go with that feeling.

In all honesty, the feeling of losing myself and expressing myself sexually terrified me, in some ways it still  does.  Saying that, these days I am not so afraid to express myself.

We are all different.

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What I thought I enjoyed sexually, was aggressive and all for the taking. I gave and the men took everything they could. This power over me usually trickled over into the areas of my life.

I found that because I was not treated as an equal in bed.  Men picked up on my lack of confidence  and this automatically took away more respect they had for me as a  person, outside of the sexual arena. I was constantly mind fucked and used.

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I allowed all this.

If sex were likened to golf .I didn’t know my handicap score  – I didn’t know where or how to measure it so, I lost frequently.

In ditches,

sand pits,

places that went way yonder in a forest somewhere.

Forever lost.

It became  harder and harder  to even think of trying to find my sexuality.

So, I shut down.

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER BE A CREATURE WHO DESIRES SEX.

I’ve realised that respect and patience can’t be time limited with me.

I am that really difficult oyster that refuses to be prised open . I finally realise I  am the one with the pearl inside that has the most potential to mould and solidify into  a Somebody to be valued.

We all have varying degrees of states of sexual confidence.

All oysters have the potential to become a fully formed pearl so do humans. It is a process and a process cannot be rushed. That is unnatural . I don’t like anything fake.

 Trust and true love can’t be rushed.

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so here is what I have learned about me and my sexuality

  • I can’t enjoy myself knowing there are heavy expectations on me with sex as the end product. 

  • I get turned on by the mind. Banter and talking and allowing another to open up their mind and emotions to me is sexy. It turns me on.

  • Laughter and not taking sexual innuendos too seriously is my kind of foreplay. This fore play is not time specified.

  • It is more of a build up. It has no expiry date or use by date on it. 

  • I need too feel relaxed and I need to feel safe and this takes time. 

  • I don’t use drugs or alcohol when I want to be sexually satisfied.

  • I don’t want to miss a thing (thanks Steve Tyler) I want to be fully present.

  • I only enjoy taking control when I feel like I am taking control to make sure I fee I am getting something out of it by making love or a quickie and then I find I naturally become a flirt and a bit of a tease – I do deliver but on my terms. 

  • Taking control in my way makes me feel sexy.

  • Sex doesn’t have to be aggressive. It is more fun when it is playful. 

  • I don’t enjoy gadgets and movies and lying motionless.

  • I want to move .

  • I love to be dominated.  

  • I am not turned on by  TOO much  oral sex. It is not for me. As my sexuality and experimentation grows things may change.

They may not.

I know I am having sex for me when I am asked if we should carry on. If I kiss back -pull away and kiss back and then pull away  again then I’m usually turned on and the foreplay can start moving forwards.

I didn’t realise how hard it would be to write this post.

The body and mind is a fascinating machine. It can  re learn to trust and respond.

I love to close my eyes and lay back and just enjoy the direction of  where my  body takes me.

Yes, I have had issues but all the other men (bar one)have made me feel an oddity because of it.

 The sad truth is some women never get to experience what a truly equal sexual experience is.  They may think the way they play out their sex live is truly what they want.

I have felt this too in my life. my gut instincts told me I was wrong.

If you are not getting an orgasm or somewhere close to it – bearing in mind that an orgasm doesn’t always have to be physical ,it can take place  in your mind.

If none of this is happening most of the time,then in my experience, the sexual pleasure is one sided.

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DON’T LOSE FAITH LADIES!

To want to reciprocate for myself has been my biggest indicator yet that I am owning my sexuality and enjoying the reaction  I get from getting naked and being touched.

 I know I am loved  unconditionally.

There have never been bribes or guilt trips or “let’s try this” to elicit some response(even if it is pretend on my part) so it feels like “we” are both getting something good out of the experience.

I’ve had to go through my share of men – consented and not –to get to this point in my life.

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I never ever thought, I would desire and lust and  want  to  look and feel in control. I’ve never felt sexy until now and it has been worth  been 100% worth it.

Fuck me, this was a hard post to write.. 😀

If you reading this I kind of hit publish !

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Expectations

“If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask… with nothing beneath it?”
Jodi Picoult   

WHY HAVE I CHOSEN THIS QUOTE?

I don’t know about you but I expect only the best from myself. I do this and I set myself up to fail or I am shocked when I succeed.  Can you believe that a lot of people who’s aims and expectations are to succeed when we do succeed -this is the one thing that terrifies them? SUCCESS.

We all have expectations and they have a habit of reflecting yourself and your expectation in other peoples eyes.

Now not only do you have expectations but you interpret that everyone has these expectations of you. Not necessarily true.

It is scary when someone decides to lean on you for survival

Someone you love  gets ill

You suddenly start achieving your goals and you have finally got peoples attention. EEEK. Now what? you feel under-qualified

You have to get Triple A+’s on your exams or papers

You need to blow your work targets through the roof

 Work like a demon,Get into shape and look like a boss on your wedding day  😀

The list is endless.

This quote reminds me to do only what I can. I don’t want to lose myself in ‘I shoulda and I coulda’s

I don’t want to ever have to wear a mask again. I’m transparent ,what you see is what you get. I like being this way.

There is more than something going on inside me but I and you need to be kind to yourself.

Happy Thursday!

 

 

 

The ‘if you need a new perspective’ post

So, I ended 2015 in a state of stupefied drunk despair. Regretting every action I committed on New years eve. Just over one month has passed. I’ve kept far away from the alcohol. I had my dip with my Anorexia. February life has started to pick up where I left it in December. 

Waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care! 

I’m gaining my self-confidence back. My diary is filling up – idle hands all that jazz. The wedding is coming together. I’m am delighted and a tad ‘on edge’ at the same time. 

Positive people are gravitating toward me again. To say I have to peel myself from the roof is an understatement. Lionel Richie and me are busting out some moves on the ceiling. Oh yeah, baby. Has anyone ever seen him being interviewed? He is such a dick head! There is no way someone like him could write such beautiful songs. Who remembers ‘Ballerina girl’ ? Google him in an interview and then you will get it.

 

 I am doing my -co-production awareness training workshop on the 16/02. All of these workshops brings me closer to getting the Eating disorder recovery group up and running. As a person in active recovery from an Eating disorder, to be able to realise this and watch it germinate and blossom like a flower 😀 and be a huge part of the process off it-is like -not being God- no, I am not Kanye Wet ( Yes, I will keep that last spelling error) delusional.  It’s more self-validating. What I mean by that is, it shows I am on a good path. A well-lit path. Like this dude. There is light in my hands I am responsible for keeping that light going and I am in charge of where I end up. Does that make sense? 

 I’ve recently posted some seriously depressing posts and I will continue to share my past with you; but their needs to be some writing room to rollick in the present. I need to  feel the quiver of fluttering,

the beating of butterfly wings, reminding myself I am indeed alive and have purpose. I think my posts need a bit of balance. I don’t know if I am the only person -I suspect I  am not. I sometimes finish writing posts that send me lunging backwards to my past and I am reaching out for the Diazepam- I can have full-blown panic attack.

The cure?    ( Great band. wrong context- or is it?)

Stop writing Daisy. 

No! I won’t!

I have a purpose.

I am a human being.

 I have a story to tell.

A past, a me right now and a bright and vibrant future.

Without me trying to get all Disney ‘Lion King’ on you  (cue African music that makes the heart swell); I believe our lives and experiences are full circles. Sometimes you are at the top and then inevitably you need to go round that circle. Of course, there will be many times when you are at the bottom. I always say

‘Look for the silver lining’.

 

That is my way of saying: I and you will come full circle again (eventually) . We all will get to the top of that circle of life again. The only thing I can’t tell predict is how long it will take to come full circle.

I have this belief, that if I use my time at the bottom of the circle, productively and push ahead and not do too much damage interfering with the flow. Then, I won’t slow down the time scale it takes to get back to the top again. I need to learn the lesson, feel the pain or whatever happens but I must move on. Easy words to type. Harder to put in action. However, it is possible. 

Possible is all  I  need to hold onto and go and do great things.. 

To get off the whole philosophy bandwagon. My man and his rumbustious friends 😉 are coming round to ours for ‘SUPER BOWL 2016’ night. It is a tradition in our home. I don’t want to watch a bunch of dudes watching another bunch  of dudes ‘tackling’ and touching up one another. I DO want to know who is doing half time this year. 

I don’t know if anyone saw Katy Perry and her foam mascot sharks last year?  

PURE COMEDY GOLD

So here is to a fresh new week. (Great shit is happening. Everything is coming together, not at the pace or even exactly how I plan it to go, but that’s cool with me. Stuff is getting done! 

My mantra, I have used for a few months now is working. Mantras work!  Mine is:

‘I am a success in everything I do’ –

I’m fulfilling my thoughts- the ‘mini-like prayers’ that I tell myself. Find one that resonates with you. It works! I am the most analytical person I know – I wouldn’t lie to you .

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Time to buzz off and get reading some of your awesome blogs and thoughts. Word reader is a bit crap. I don’t ever get to see all the posts that I follow. I don’t know if anyone else has the same problem but I will read as many as I can. 

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Namaste, Soca, peace, light and love until next time.

HAPPINESS TIP:To be different is what makes life spectacular

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Accept yourself and others for being different and embrace who you are

TRADITION:La Vela de las Autenica’s  Inrepidas Buscadoras del Peligro – (bit of a mouth-ful, roughly translated as ‘The festival of authentic, Intrepid Danger-seekers)

DATE: November

CELBRATED: Juchitan, Mexico

Being different to others can suck balls! I know from my own experiences growing up. There are all these stereotypes of how a person should fit into society. You know, like that popular girl that everyone gravitates to with the blonde/ black hair and blue/green eyes -the perfect figure. Everyone wants to know her. Then there is the Emo who wear eyes liner and grunge clothes and never smiles and gets odd looks wherever he/she may go. People stop and stare and gasp. People call him/her  a freak. Then you get the straight A student with a bad case of acne, skinny, pale and is an easy target to bully. I know I am generalising a  bit but you get my drift.

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I know the world is getting it’s head around the fact that gay people , lesbian people and Trans-gender people do not have a kink in their nature, and as a culture we are more accepting of peoples sexuality choices/ race and religious choices. This step  is not enough because their is still a lot of prejudice around being ‘different’. Many people are still segregated from society because of these reasons. In a world of never ending war – British Muslims and American Muslims are being ostracised and blamed because they supposedly share the same faith as terrorists/suicide bombers. An intelligent and learned person will know that these cowardly terrorists hide behind the Muslim religion and distort and warp this faith to justify their horrific actions. There has been a lot of debate around African Americans being over looked by the movie industry. A lot of people still think that all  people who identify themselves as black, are gangsters who want to mug people or deal in drugs.

In Juchitan, the the zapotec people of the Isthmus of Tehuantepec believe and celebrate a ‘third sex’  This group or class of people includes both Gay/Lesbian and Transgender people. They are referred to as ‘Muxes’ ( pronounced Moo-shays). Muxes people are given divine sanction status and are considered a blessing to their families and within their community.  They are respected and treasured for their beauty, tranquillity and their domestic talents. 

Forget about San Francisco’s  annual ‘Gay pride parade’ being a cutting edge and bold culture in celebrating diversity. These awesome people in Juchitan were celebrating  different sexualities when G.P.P. was not even a seed -in germination mode.

At this festival -the muxes  Zapotec people dress up flamboyantly proudly  sashay around in brightly coloured clothes. They have a full on fiesta- with plenty of food, drink and revel in the whole towns attention.

What a glorious world we would live in if everyone no matter how different was accepted and got their very own party to celebrate their differences. Can you imagine it?

The message is simple: Love who you are -you are not meant to conform to one ideal of what a community or a society dictates you should be.

 

The final message is:  if you live in some part of the world and are not accepted for who you are, have hope, take comfort and remember there are places’people in the world  who think you are  awesome! 

SEXUAL NEEDS

Okay, this is probably the hardest post I have felt compelled to write. Where do I start? I wish I could express it in a poem but alas, I cannot.  Some people I may know might go -HOW CAN I WRITE ABOUT THIS? SO PUBLICLY? Well, feel free to stop reading right now and go and carry on living in your perfect world of whispers of your true thoughts behind covered hands. Embarrassed to be authentic to you or anyone else. – Go gossip. Does this face look bothered?

 

So, here it is. When I was young and innocent I naturally, like most people do, experimented with finding ways to pleasure myself. I can still remember the orgasms I  had. The pulsating in my vulva. The beating in my heart,  blood racing furiously around my entire body.

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As I grew up I came to know that I was abused by my stepfather and I can’t remember all the details. One memory is all I have: I remember being tied up -hands bound together with a ball if string and someone/him pushing pens up my private parts. I only have this image and I sometimes think I made it up or did it to myself. Something must have  happened because one night,I was getting undressed to take a bath and  my mother saw there was blood all over my tiny 5-year old sized knickers. There was an investigation. Faces coming in and out like breathing in and out of a paper bag. Mouths moving. No sound.A deaf mute. I could not speak. My Mum and I fled my ex step father in the middle of the blackest night. Why couldn’t Muffet come with? Why did she have to stay with that man who used to beat us?

I cried.I love animals.  I spent a few years living with my Nan in South Africa when my Mum was too ill to look after me. This was in the days when she was a ‘manic depressive’ -so ‘crazy’ that the only cure was ECG. It wasn’t her fault she was so ill. I had normal friendships. I had my first kiss and felt the butterflies. The pulsating throb to explore some more.  Experiment.

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Somewhere and at some point I started using drugs and seeking out Anorexia. My family bar my Mother and Nan turned their backs away from me. I was a problem. An enfant is terrible. Incurable and incapable of lifting my brides veil to protest to a union with the devil. I read somewhere that lace seeks to expose and reveal at the same time. I just like that statement so I  have put it into this post.

My teenage years were ones in which I stumbled in a haze of drugs and men. I was raped three times and sexually assaulted many times. I was too drugged up to know or care. Some may say I had it coming but what can I do about that now? Accept it and move one. The last time I felt able to orgasm and completely let my wild sexual being let loose, was the night I had sex with J in the swimming pool.  15/16 years old.

 

Anorexia was creeping it’s way in, like wet clay, into my mind. Each hour, each day it hardened and became more cemented and difficult to shift. I was lucky enough to have a few  men  who wanted to be with me/date me in my 20’s. I couldn’t reciprocate. I was an ice queen. Detached. I didn’t want to be used. All men were out for themselves and would hurt me. Ironically,  I could only get drunk and gravitate towards men that I knew  could abuse me, to the very core of my being. It got to the point where I got stuck in a vicious, degrading and a ‘make your bed you lie in it’ situation.

Yes, their were a spectrum of lovely blues, purples and yellow colours punched on me like a stamp to pretty me up. I couldn’t see the colours in my black and white world as much as other people could. People gasped when they saw me. Looked away. What is wrong with these people?

 

Things got messier one night. I was three months pregnant at the time. We had been out drinking ( that’s the truth- judge me I don’t give a shit) The ex got it into his head that I had been flirting with other guys and  he assaulted me in the street. I wanted to go stay anywhere  as long as it wasn’t with him but I had my cat at his house. This was one of the million times we tried to live together. I was terrified he would torture her or take out his anger on her.

So, I went home with him and he went upstairs and got into bed and I got into bed. I was trying to tell him: I didn’t do what he thought I was doing. He threw me off the bed and got up and opened the wardrobe doors and started ripping the clothes from the hangers and onto the floor. I begged him too stop. To love me again. To forgive me for what ? I don’t know. I couldn’t handle him freezing me out.

His idea of forgiveness was to grab and throw me onto the bed and take me from behind and with each thrust he counted from 10 down to 1 -I needed punishing, he said. Once the sun had made an entrance. We were sat at his kitchen table and I told him it felt like he had raped me. I said STOP. He was shocked and started to cry. He didn’t mean for it to come across like that.

He had warped ideas of love and sex and because I had forgotten what love and respect and sex was truly about, I indulged in his fantasies – hard core porn and a bunch of unnatural shit that doesn’t interest me. I was always drunk when we slept together. I was always the one who couldn’t relax and felt I had to pleasure him -all the time.

Sex was brutal and mechanical.

I remember pouring my heart out to him one night. About my past with men and drugs. His cure!

His advice to help me‘let loose’ enough to enjoy sex again was simply this:

Use my body as your temple’ 

Cheers, great advice. So much happened I can’t bear to carry one writing about what went on.

The truth is no matter who I slept with or didn’t, I  couldn’t arouse anything but a dull knock of a hammer nailing me into a state of numbness. I never sweated, I never felt my heart drumming in my chest. I told men to stop –  when the feeling of what could be an orgasm had started. I got it into my head that every time I tried to just be in the moment and I could feel some kind of stir, some kind of bubbling, a feeling, I couldn’t enjoy it and I had this sensation to go to the toilet.

 

I gave up on the whole idea that sex could ever be enjoyable. I have felt like some carnival freak for many years. Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I enjoy one the most natural and purest feelings that sex expels so exquisitely from the body?

 

I don’t want to embarrass anyone. I have to write what is true to me.  What is in my heart and mind.  I found my husband to be. The one I am marrying in June and he has been so patient with me. I still sometimes turn into a skittish deer, every time I think he wants to make love.

Make love? My brain won’t stop analysing to enjoy it.

Slowly, very slowly we are building up a  more equal and loving sex life where I’m not treated with kids gloves.

I’m adored.

I am loved.

I am alive.

I am made to feel like a goddess.

 

My mind has started to take a back seat. My body moves with his- so natural and primitive. I’m finding that by my true sexual self being basked in true love and respect. I radiate with pure desire and want, My soul is willing to be dominated in a way that doesn’t make me feel like a whore,in a vacant toilet cubicle, with a hole carved into the side wall of the cubicle -a perfect place for a whore to such any anonymous cock for a few pennies.

I’m working on myself.

I just want to be wild, free – to sweat,  embrace the musky scent that emanates from two bodies – writhing,   to their made up rhythmic, hypnotic beat. Each body part finds an instinctive way to place itself and just fits. I want my body to remember that sex is about me enjoying the act too. I’m getting  there. No drugs, no alcohol, no manipulation but true patience, love, trust and instinct.

Shit am I brave enough to post this?

Well, I guess so because you are reading it. I’m sure I can’t be the only person alive that has experienced a feeling of nothingness when it comes to sex….. Well, I’ve put myself in the most vulnerable position ( excuse the pun)  than  I ever have with writing.

Am I ashamed?

 

sNo!

Why shouldn’t I discuss something as natural as sex, emotions and orgasms? I’m not living in the Victorian era. I am a woman, a proud feminist with my own sexual needs. I’m learning to let go. Stop clock watching. Stop making sure the only person to get pleasure out of the act of love is someone that is not me.

 

I am reclaiming my repressed sexual self -Wild, untameable, aroused and unashamed.

WEEK 8 WRAP

Morning all fellow bloggers and wrappers.

Week 8 down!  Here is the link to the all the other weeks covered so far. CLICK HERE  I’ve learned so much. I hope that you have got or will get as much as I’m getting out of doing this course. This week one of our highly valued groupies could not make the group so we decided to put the second part  of Action planning our triggers on hold, until next week. We focused on Early warning signs. These can be rather subtle or they can blast up seemingly from nowhere. If you have been doing this course over the weeks. You will know  that Early warning signs can and often are linked with our triggers. Sometimes in life there may be many indicators that things are not going so well, perhaps you are not coping or managing your thoughts and feelings so well.  Identifying your Early warning signs can help you from going into full crisis mode.

I found this session tough as I have never really looked at my early warning signs that may off set my mental health- negatively. If you have one or two supportive friends or family members, they can help you identify you EWS. Sometimes another persons perspective and how they experience your mental health- good and bad is something you can’t identify because you are in the ‘thick of it’ so to speak. Their view is external to your own. So it might just be worth asking someone what they think are your EWS.

EWS are  usually thoughts and emotions that are going on inside. They are internal and seem to have nothing to do with a distressing  situation. Here is a good way to see how EWS are related. Imagine that your mind is a bucket.  From day to day you will come across many different stressful situations that fill your bucket.

So as an example: Your car breaks down- the bucket fills up a bit. You have a bad day at work, the stress bucket fills even more. Your child’s school call you in to discuss behaviour issues. The bucket is nearly brimming full. Then your partner accidentally breaks your favourite coffee mug. You bucket over flows. You then  go crazy at your partner. Perhaps you shout at  him or her and break down crying. It can seem like the coffee mug is the one thing that tips you into a negative mind state/crisis mode but as the diagram shows; it is an accumulation of events that fills up the bucket,  until it is so full, that it seems something quite small can tip you over. This is why it is always important to recognize your Early warning signs. You can put in place a tap to drain the water (an action plan) so that your bucket (stress levels) never reach that tipping point.

Solution+Focussed+Stress+Bucket


 MY LIST OF EARLY WARNING SIGNS

  1. I stay up until the birds are tweeting working on projects
  2. I get irritable
  3. I become overly obsessive with cleaning, my weight, everything.
  4. I miss taking my medication or stop using it 
  5. I cut down on my food/fluid intake
  6. I over exercise
  7. I’m unable to see anything else that is going on around me that is outside of my own problems
  8. Avoidance- people, places, things. emotions
  9. I go onto auto pilot- I can’t stay in the present moment. I look to the past or to the future. I  find it difficult to be in the present
  10. I isolate myself from people even family and lose friends
  11. I’m not able to give my full attention to my family
  12. I become focused on de cluttering my home (even thought it isn’t)
  13. I lose my sense of humour
  14. I’m resistant to all affection
  15. I focus on the negatives in my life. My ‘silver lining’ mantra disappears
  16. I trawl through social media websites comparing my entire life with the lives of what social media website users choose to present to the world and how they wish to be portrayed. I lose sight that this is only one dimension to their lives. 

 Brilliant!  What  do I  do now? Unlike triggers, where I would need to make an action plan for each one. When it comes to action planning for my EWS I only need one plan. So here is a comprehensive list of what I must do if I do start to experience any EWS. It would be a good idea to go back to  your WELLNESS TOOL BOX  and try any other techniques that I/ you have learned over these two months. download (6)

Here is my list

  1.  not over blog/write
  2. Disconnect from all technology
  3. carry on volunteering/working
  4. enjoy and give my full attention to ‘Date nights’ with my partner
  5. Spend more time with family/ friends-especially my daughter 
  6. Book to go do something I enjoy. It could be something as simple as watching stand up comics at home or  going to the theatre, cinema etc.
  7. Meet up for coffee with family and friends
  8. Exercise for no more than  an hour and a half
  9. Lay back and chill and listen to my favourite music
  10. Communicate or at least try to communicate my thoughts and feelings no matter how jumbled they may come out 
  11. have a clear out at home- don’t go over board
  12. face the day
  13. Keep in contact with my C.P.N.
  14. Use mantra’s and positive affirmations
  15. tell myself that ‘whatever happens I can handle it’
  16. Look for my silver lining
  17. Be kind to myself- a bit of TLC – go for a manicure, facial, massage
  18. RING MY LOCAL SAMARITANS      if I feel there is no one else I can speak with 
  19. A great technique to use is to alter my physical space which automatically alters my head space- it can be a simple as getting out of bed.
  20. Be creative- read books, write, paint, draw, do crafts
  21. Try the technique I describe in my video clip of week 8.
  22. Another good technique is this:

If you have a negative thought. Here is an example.

‘ I cannot cope.’

Write that thought down.

‘I cannot cope’

Notice that you have written done the thought

‘ I cannot cope’

The aim of this technique is that by writing the thought down you create a mental distance from it. It becomes not a fact but just a thought. 

Finally I would just like to add and remind people of the 5 key concepts of WRAP. Another exercise you can do is based around these 5 key concepts. 

HOPE. – write down  one experience from your life that gives you hope for the future.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY -Write down one way that you take personal responsibility for your life.

EDUCATION- Write down something you have learnt about yourself on this journey.

SELF ADVOCACY- Write down one area of your life or situation where you would like to assert yourself more and a step you could take to achieve this. 

 SUPPORT- write down the name of one person who supports you and how they d that. 

If you feel this is a tricky  exercise and need an example. I will gladly use my examples. All you have to do is comment ‘EXAMPLE’ 

That is it for week 8. Go away and feel empowered. You are creating a powerful plan to help you in every life situation you face.