“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature” – Marilyn Monroe
WHY THIS QUOTE ?
We are all adults- at least I hope you are and if you are a teenager reading this post, it should empower you.

I am not shy to speak about sex, my sexuality and my experiences. I won’t go into to loads of detail. So this is not a post that needs a adult only rating.

I’ve not had any positive male role models in my life who have shown me how a woman and her sexuality should be treated: with respect.
My Dad and I had a distant relationship. I mean this in a role model way.
I can say that almost all of my life, I have felt like I have had to serve men. I’ve never thought about my own pleasure. I always found myself needing to fake it ,to get through it as quick as possible ,so that whichever partner I was with at the time got what he wanted.

I have never, in all my years experienced a sexual experience where I felt safe, sober,sexy,adventurous for my own gain and respected.
It is no secret that I have been exploited by men from the age of 5 years old. I’m not going into this now because this is not what this post is about.
However, at this age , was the starting point for where I set my bar for what I would allow a man to do to me sexually. I have never enjoyed being touched. I have always felt unsatisfied.
Before G,I can recall one occasion when I had sex and felt connected and fulfilled and respected
.One of those moments where I woke up naked in the arms of this person and all our parts fit together. Each body part found a way to be not two but one.
It feels like I have had this sexual exploitation radar switched on for 15 odd years.

I didn’t know what I liked or how to enjoy myself. I attracted men who didn’t get me. In all fairness I was a a mighty glacier to contend with.
Some men tried to be patient but I gave nothing of myself. I didn’t know how to give anything. It all felt unnatural. They tried to chip away the ice but mostly ended up chipping away more of my self esteem and confidence. Their words always sounded a bit like this to me

I COULD ALWAYS SEE THROUGH WORDS DRESSED UP WITH FLOWER FOLIAGE
I forced myself to buy into to it but I never felt the urge to just go with that feeling.
In all honesty, the feeling of losing myself and expressing myself sexually terrified me, in some ways it still does. Saying that, these days I am not so afraid to express myself.
We are all different.

What I thought I enjoyed sexually, was aggressive and all for the taking. I gave and the men took everything they could. This power over me usually trickled over into the areas of my life.
I found that because I was not treated as an equal in bed. Men picked up on my lack of confidence and this automatically took away more respect they had for me as a person, outside of the sexual arena. I was constantly mind fucked and used.

I allowed all this.
If sex were likened to golf .I didn’t know my handicap score – I didn’t know where or how to measure it so, I lost frequently.
In ditches,
sand pits,
places that went way yonder in a forest somewhere.
Forever lost.
It became harder and harder to even think of trying to find my sexuality.
So, I shut down.
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER BE A CREATURE WHO DESIRES SEX.
I’ve realised that respect and patience can’t be time limited with me.
I am that really difficult oyster that refuses to be prised open . I finally realise I am the one with the pearl inside that has the most potential to mould and solidify into a Somebody to be valued.
We all have varying degrees of states of sexual confidence.
All oysters have the potential to become a fully formed pearl so do humans. It is a process and a process cannot be rushed. That is unnatural . I don’t like anything fake.
Trust and true love can’t be rushed.

so here is what I have learned about me and my sexuality
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I can’t enjoy myself knowing there are heavy expectations on me with sex as the end product.
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I get turned on by the mind. Banter and talking and allowing another to open up their mind and emotions to me is sexy. It turns me on.
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Laughter and not taking sexual innuendos too seriously is my kind of foreplay. This fore play is not time specified.
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It is more of a build up. It has no expiry date or use by date on it.
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I need too feel relaxed and I need to feel safe and this takes time.
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I don’t use drugs or alcohol when I want to be sexually satisfied.
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I don’t want to miss a thing (thanks Steve Tyler) I want to be fully present.
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I only enjoy taking control when I feel like I am taking control to make sure I fee I am getting something out of it by making love or a quickie and then I find I naturally become a flirt and a bit of a tease – I do deliver but on my terms.
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Taking control in my way makes me feel sexy.
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Sex doesn’t have to be aggressive. It is more fun when it is playful.
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I don’t enjoy gadgets and movies and lying motionless.
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I want to move .
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I love to be dominated.
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I am not turned on by TOO much oral sex. It is not for me. As my sexuality and experimentation grows things may change.
They may not.
I know I am having sex for me when I am asked if we should carry on. If I kiss back -pull away and kiss back and then pull away again then I’m usually turned on and the foreplay can start moving forwards.
I didn’t realise how hard it would be to write this post.
The body and mind is a fascinating machine. It can re learn to trust and respond.
I love to close my eyes and lay back and just enjoy the direction of where my body takes me.
Yes, I have had issues but all the other men (bar one)have made me feel an oddity because of it.
The sad truth is some women never get to experience what a truly equal sexual experience is. They may think the way they play out their sex live is truly what they want.
I have felt this too in my life. my gut instincts told me I was wrong.
If you are not getting an orgasm or somewhere close to it – bearing in mind that an orgasm doesn’t always have to be physical ,it can take place in your mind.
If none of this is happening most of the time,then in my experience, the sexual pleasure is one sided.

DON’T LOSE FAITH LADIES!
To want to reciprocate for myself has been my biggest indicator yet that I am owning my sexuality and enjoying the reaction I get from getting naked and being touched.
I know I am loved unconditionally.
There have never been bribes or guilt trips or “let’s try this” to elicit some response(even if it is pretend on my part) so it feels like “we” are both getting something good out of the experience.
I’ve had to go through my share of men – consented and not –to get to this point in my life.

I never ever thought, I would desire and lust and want to look and feel in control. I’ve never felt sexy until now and it has been worth been 100% worth it.
Fuck me, this was a hard post to write.. 😀
If you reading this I kind of hit publish !

14 responses to “SEXUAL NEEDS”
Well done, you should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to bare your truth to the universe 🙂 and remember, there is no shame in honesty, only dishonesty. xXx
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Thank you for your kind words of support. Honesty has got me in and out of a lot of trouble over the years.
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Good morning Daisy. I know what you’re going through and have gone through.
The early childhood scars are real. Not understanding the unnatural drive at a very young age is real.
But as you’ve already pointed out, the abuse turns to coldness and misbehaviour (it’s not misbehaviour it’s trying to get rid of something that should have never been there in the first place) in one’s adult years.
The question remains: “How does one erase it.” Well, you’ve already accomplished the first part – you’ve admitted it happened and have traced the results. This is where healing happens. It is at the point where we say that it shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and it was wrong, that the healing begins.
That’s the physical realization. The next step is a little more difficult. Spirits are transferred between sexual partners. They are unwanted leftovers from an unwanted past. You must tell them to leave in Christ’s name in the authority of a child of God. You must accept yourself to be just that before you can make this move and remove the shared spirits.
When you come to this point you can be freed from the past.
Your partner loves and respects you. You want to be there for him as he is there for you.
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What a beautiful comment. You have put into context exactly what has happened and is happening. I’m getting over that past. Life is slowly teaching me,and you are right I have a good man in my life. Two souls that somehow collided and brought out the best in us. Thank you for all your comments and support. I really appreciate it that you take the time to really take in nd to read my posts and you are always cheering me on. Thank you so much . Bless your soul.
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I can’t help but cheer on those that are sorting out and making the best of their lives.
I’ll support wherever I can.
The best to you and yours. 🙂
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I wanted to cry during parts of this. How much does one have to endure? But they say, diamonds are made from years and years of pressure.
You are a diamond.
I glad that you’re in a loving relationship now.
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Don’t cry.Sharon .I wouldn’t be the person I am to day . I like myself… life is one series of lessons I have never heard that saying about diamonds – I love it! thank you for commenting and reading this post. I was terrified that nobody would read it and then I was terrified that some one would read it but I appreciate you beautiful message and comment. I can’t wait to blog some of my wedding pics end of June –
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I mean, sex is how we all got here… to be alive and happy is to honor how we got to that place, as strange and messy as it is. Couldn’t imagine having gone through such times; unfortunately, it seems to be a common thing that many others have similarly experienced.
You deserve to be happy! and sharing with others your feelings (and awesome quotes) is like a brilliant light of love that really lifts the spirits of others (mine included ^^). Wishing you well. 🙂
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aaaw your comment nearly made me cry. Ha yes. Sex is how we all came to be and I am so glad that the bad content out weighed the good. I know I am not the ony one who has experienced my kind of experiences but I don’t want people to be ashamed. I want people to be proud of how they got to a good point in their lives and also to let people know that it is okay to go through crap and there is light and darkness to life. Thank you for reading my ppost and commenting on it with such a lovely message. It means a heck of a lot to me x
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I can’t believe how brave are, and what a lot of courage it must have taken to write this post, and then to actually press publish. That speaks volumes about you; you’re willing to put yourself out there.
I’m so happy that you are managing to have a better relationship with your own sexual self, and that you have someone who has been able to explore this with you, without pushing you, or without treating you like you’re made of glass. You deserve it. So much.
Keep at it, girl!
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Thank you dbsgirl. Life is good. Always learning… Did I actually press the publish button ? 😉
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I am completely and utterly blown away by your honesty and bravery – thank you for sharing this, oh so moving account of what you have been through x
I wish you every happiness and loads of love xxx
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You don’t know how much this comment means to me. Thank you for reading my post. I guess I have always been brutally honest. Thank you for well wishes. I am happy :0
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You’ve been through your bad times – now is your turn to shine and be happy 😘
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