“Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” -UNKNOWN
Ha! I love this quote. I very rarely let myself truly chill out and veg. This weekend was the first weekend and time in over a year that I have given my mind and body a true chance to chill and enjoy being in the moment.
Why do we think that what we do is– nothing? not enough?
I look back over the years and, at this moment in time, no, I don’t have a 9-5 job.
However, I have been working harder than I would, ( I am talking about me here), say if I had been working in a 9-5 job.
I’ve only just realised how important it is to take some time away from my work and what I do.
I love being active and in the last couple weeks-everything, I love to do stopped being fun any more.
I was even getting stressed out about some of the things I do to wind down, an example is Blogging. It was having the opposite effect. I was getting way too grumpy.
I even thought of taking a break from it.
I have just realised that all I needed was a couple of days to
not get too worried about being up to date with my posts
not work out to my most difficult dance work out session
not only seeming to eat bloody fruit until the wedding.
not having to be the most awesome .. insert title here……
not worry an have that inner belief that I can give my all in whatever I have going on next week.
It’s Sunday and I woke up at 10. It does help to have a Bella Bee free night.
I didn’t wake up at 5 am to start blogging and reading blogs. I know I can do that later on today and this week and next week and the week after that.
Here is the philosophical bit.
I don’t know if it is age but my mental state is finally starting to shift.
I have my goals but I have finally started to stop trying to prove to people that they have to like me or what I do or say or write.
I care about a lot of people and support many people here and in my “real life” but I now know I don’t need their approval.
Not all people will get me or you.
Don’t take it to heart.
Usually, if someone seems to ignore you, is hostile, is not consistent with how they treat you. If you are always left feeling drained or uncomfortable and generally bummed out around certain people.
99% of the time, it is not something you need to figure out.
It is usually all about what that person has going on in their head.
People who judge and are critical to others, try and target the people who are themselves and who are 100% genuine and happy with what they are doing and where they are going. Haters try to make you question if you are good enough with what you do or have. They never give you anything but a serious doubt in your abilities.
Usually, whatever seems like a reflection on you and who you are and how you are – isn’t.
I know I am the only person who knows myself better than anyone. If I trust my gut instincts, I know how to reign myself in, reflect on my own judgements and check out what is going on with me.
Not everyone is comfortable with the fact I don’t hide certain ‘”skeletons” of my life in an overflowing wardrobe, that I supposedly should be ashamed to share.
My thinking is – I share them because I fucking got over them.
If you don’t like that I am not all caught up in an eternal self- mind fuckery, that is your problem, not mine.
I and you. We all have a life to live.
There is a great life out there to see and experience. We need to take time to chill and do our own thing. Even if it seems like we are doing nothing. We are usually doing a lot.
I am convinced that all the things I have lined up for this next week -will be tackled with 100% passion and commitment.
I’m feeling fresh, energised (amazing what a few haribos can do)
That’s it from me.
When I say I want to disappear
By God, I truly want to conjure dark sorcery
never come back to this planet.
I’ve tried to take my breathe many times
This might sound like Self -pity ( perhaps it is).
But I’m not here to get into it.
These are about my feelings.
I’m not a poet. I’m a person who has feelings & thoughts I need to express.
I’m not trying to hurt anybody.
I’m trying to live the best way I can,
I’ve tried to take my life many times (and) yet, here I am.
I do the best I can.
Deep pan Pizza, Fried Chicken,Sushi, Prosecco.
Get my fringe trimmed,
My daughter, a mermaid’s tail.
Yes, I have sinned!
But I’m still here.
And all I want to do is disappear because I know that
Everyone I love,
Everyone I know is going to be gone.
And I wouldn’t have made the bonds with who I brought into this Life
Mor the people I’ve met or come across.
I won’t have secured any bonds.
I am lost
I am always forlorn.
I wear my
heart on my sleeve and
I cry. I
pace this kitchen over & over
And no I don’t have an excuse for relapsing
And I don’t have an excuse for what I have done.
If there’s one thing I am certain of my heart was invested in it all.I’m trying to do the best I can!
I wish I wasn’t here. I have plans- is this a death threat?
I don’t know.
All I know is there is pizza cooking, and I’m on my last tether
Overdoses don’t do it.
Maybe hang myself?
I’m (just) so far gone. This is not even a poem.
I’d tell my husband that I was going to walk out into that main road
for a car to run me over.
I’m sure he would have expressed concern and said I should have invested in an organ donor
That he is with his wry sense of humour.
Now, I thought, we’re on the train & nothing feels real
Except maybe his hand on my knee reassures all I need to feel.
The sun’s out & sparring with my panic attacks & phobia
I have to leave ya for a better time.
We’ll have time to play this theme out over & over.
Just for now I’m feeling fresh
Not like I’m drowning in a cashmere claustrophobic coma.
Write to recover. Write yourself out of a panic attack. BUY a book. Look both ways before crossing the road so you don’t get mistaken for Avante Garde road kill.