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My confessions being a crazy pycho b*tch*

“if she is willing to screw you, like you or date you -He can’t handle the truth and question’s why- so is She crazy or is He just being a dickhead for calling her crazy ( for seeing something in him -he is obviously having a hard time coming to terms with ?

DAISY WILLOWS

SOMETHING TO LISTEN TO WHILE YOU READ

When like me, you are a second generation-er (in my family) of hooking up with men that tend to leave me

Thus leave me wanting more “love”.

I’ve always thought that the more love I crave equates to more unkindness , more abuse & more words spewed at on how crazy I am.

When I was working on drafting a script- ( at uni),The main themes that cropped up were Betrayal & Love – just to name two.

I used to think a Solid foundation like a tent is good enough to build up on a secure relationship . Upon relfection a stone house is probably a better choice of material.

In 2012 I went on date (and eventually marry the first man, who treated me as his queen.

HOW?

  • Honours me

  • respects me

  • loves me

  • accepts me

  • empowers me

  • Dominates me ( when I let him)

I couldn’t get my head around it. I still struggle to understand this love he has for me without the abuse, belittling & selflessness he has for me. Even after 9 years together & I’ve done a few things that nearly destoyed our marriage.

Slowly,I am starting to understand his unwaivering love.It is hard to accept his love at times. I immiedtely cower away from him. I second guess him, I look for a way out from experiencing true love and respect.

I mean ,I married the man who treats me so different from all the others.

I wonder if he is normal!

The thoughts come & go.

When is he going to start treating me in a way that I have been conditioned to respond to?

Why is it that even now, a part of me is sad that I don’t get the respect from those who have never shown me any respect?

All Genders are included in this question.

Take. Take .Take.

I Give Give give.

I don’t know if this a guy thing but it seems like ‘crazy’ is the buzzword to try and put a woman in her place -if she expresses feelings and does things that any “normal” person would do if that person was in her shoes.

I read up about this culture of slut shaming and I came up with the ones I think resonate with me the most. Here are the ones that actually helped me see myself as a person.

Here is a huge middle finger to those( not all ) men who think throwing out the crazy word to try and cop out or put me or any one of my sisters in our place.

She’s so emotional! F-ing psycho!

If I cry often or during difficult conversations, it doesn’t mean that I’m a crazy emotional mess, it means that I am a human being with emotions that I have invested into that particular conversation. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, craziness, or hormonal imbalances… so please in God’s name do not ask me if I’m getting my period!

I can so relate to this. If I have invested more of my emotional energy into a friendship , relationship, acquaintance, career even, and I get upset when I have fulfilled my purpose to an individual and not got what I was expecting. What does a person expect?

If I don’t cry when we are having a difficult conversation. I may be trying to take in what has been said and let my heart catch up with my mind.

We all internalise and externalise our shit in different ways. One guy I gave my body and mind too, in the hope of gaining his friendship, made out like I was off my chuffing head because I asked for certain drugs to block the pain and guilt of what I had done ,after his ‘I have just fucked you. Here is why it can’t work’speech.

“If you can’t chill out with Valium then you are seriously fucked up.” said He.

This was said as a follow up to his

” I only smoke weed day in and day out and have Ketamine/MDMA/insert drug of choice here every couple of weeks or so.”

Heads up this guy has/had serious Addiction and relationship issues himself. I’m not finger pointing -I’m stating fact.

Another guy said

“I don’t really drink anymore” – I look around the house- it is a tip , empty alcohol cans ,bottles and remnants of ‘a party I had two days ago’, said He.

DOUBLE STANDARDS ALERT .

She flipped out when I left my dishes in the sink…she’s nuts!

If I get angry at you for feeling taken advantage of, it doesn’t mean I’m uptight and crazy, it means that sometimes I don’t want to be treated like an indentured servant or a sex slave. You’ve had a long day? So have I, and looking cute or being sexy while cleaning up your mess isn’t exactly on the top of my priority list. Anger is fine for men, yet when women express it, we are donned crazy.

This one doesn’t just have to be about dishes. It does seem true that Anger in men is fine, encouraged even. I have been an instigator of this myself.

“MAN UP” says I.

A woman gets Angry and lashes out !

Why is that crazy or anything less validating than a man expressing his emotions?

Some Men just don’t understand women at all.

It is easy to run away and point a finger and say ‘it is her- me I have my shit together. PLEASE LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING LIFE

She’s left me like 10 messages demanding that I call her back!! She’s not understanding the brush off!!

If I continue to call or text after no response from you, It doesn’t make me crazy for not getting the “hint”, it makes you a child who refuses to take accountability or responsibility for your feelings/lack of feelings. I know you don’t want to talk to me. I deserve to have that conversation even if it’s difficult for you. And at this point I’m desperately hoping you pick up the phone just so I can hear the terror in your voice. What exactly are you afraid of? Honesty? Grow up!

This is one, when I read it – A light switched on for me . Yes, I may have sent ineligible texts, nursing my heart with benzos and alcohol at the time, decided it was a great idea to text a person/s who I needed answers from. When I was picking up the pieces.It was a hard for me to be objective about because of where my mindstate was. It wasn’t a side I like to see in me. I looked pathetic. I got over it.

Until I read the above. I think me wanting answers is not unfair and this is when I finally realised just who I had invested so much time into –

Some Boys think life is a game.

Men know when it’s time to get honest and talk without their dicks.

You’re a crazy bitch but ya F—- so good I’m on top of it!

If I enjoy sex and I know what I like it doesn’t make me a crazy slut, or just plain crazy. An important part of being a woman is knowing your body, knowing your limits, and not being afraid to ask for what you want. People have kinks and preferences. Adages like “crazy in bed means crazy in the head” is just another way to make women feel badly for being exactly who they are.

We are constantly told not to be ordinary, normal, or boring, so when we embrace our not so boring side we shouldn’t be feared and shamed. Grow up and embrace the sexual revolution boys! A real woman should be confident in bed, no matter what her preferences.

Yeah, what I have to add to this as a woman is, I’ve grown into a woman -one way is I’ve gained sexual confidence in myself. I don’t not needing alcohol or drugs to fuck/shag a guy.

OUCH!

But true.

Men have rarely make any apologies for wanting to fuck me. Oh, hang on- I always get ‘you are so sexy that is why I want to….’

When I’ve show I can take control and say this is what I want and no I don’t like to be treated mean.

Some guy’s seem to love that, until………………..

they cum.

Then it dawned on me that if the man didn’t make his bed the first time – he sure as hell is not going to start now.

So he starts back pedalling. His spine goes as limp as his previous most erect penis .

That is a bit cruel. Maybe I indulge a man’s ego because I don’t want to say.

I can’t feel a thing. Are you actually in yet?

Maybe, I have had a child and slept with many or a few dudes or maybe I am just used to bigger cocks.

STOP THE SLUT SHAMING!

She says she’s in love with me…she must be crazy!

Lastly, If I tell you that I love you chances are I do…or at least I think I do. Falling in love with someone is difficult. Admitting to it, is even more difficult. Don’t belittle my feelings. Don’t give me reasons not to love you.

And don’t, by any means, stick around if the feelings aren’t mutual. I love you..there I said it…so either be a man and dive into this thing with me, or be a man and walk away. And remember, if after you’ve made your choice, (to stay and love me or to walk away) I am a crying mess, I’m not crazy. I’m just human.

Even if this is said by a drunk women texting. She may not love you – she may just have ” complicated” feelings for you. She may say she hates you in the next text.

Rejection sucks. Ever been there?

The biggest cop out is ‘it is not going to work but of course we can be friends’ two days later -unfriended with no answers.

Finally, be fucking specific. CRAZY is such an umbrella term. Its lacks imagination.

She’s constantly drunk. ( daisy adds when she is around him)

“She got hammered last night and was completely crazy.”

Do you mean to say, “She has an issue with alcohol abuse?”

That’s very different from being crazy.

If she’s constantly drinking that much and losing her sh*t, you might have some more serious problems to deal with other than her “craziness.”

Going back to the draft I wrote (2016/7)

I tend to write what I know. I  dramatised scenes.I like to get more creative and make it original, when I put pen to paper and got my draft down, then the editing process starts. Characters grew the more I wrote, and what they  had to say to each othe, the more the plot develops.

I started reading these articles because I was looking for motives for who at the time of writing the draft  I wodnered how  -the Antagonist –  could change & when or why.

Characters and real people all have light and dark in them. No person is wholly good or wholly bad.

Athena

 

Infamous conquest of the human race to expose life’s epiphany.

de harmonisation fails to uphold Athena’s liturgy.

 

Poorly managed Pomodoro method

Metis grant Deep Thought access to the mind of the thunderstruck.

Search engine optimised  –  the ultimate article   42 disinhibits a libertarian’s reclaimed autonomy to debate life’s purpose for freedom.

hypophysectomise the moody matriarchy with

Pheromonal replacement therapy

 

Single seeded sire declares she made it up -it’s all in her head

Shamed  for  her  bloody lunar cycle – men stand Erectus repulsed yet horny

 cautioned to never mirror  the gorgon with  serpent  hair

live a life  barren or

Welcome the stones for a martyr’s death.

 

(I’m seriously stuck with this one writer’s block &  in writer’s self-doubt in full force. It needs a lot of work. )

Not a 6 inch increment

If I were to self-isolate
I’d  make sure I drip from the right orifice
I’d say, leave the muck
We’ve time to fuck
About in our dirty truck

Followed by a bath filled with rose petals

A comforter spread misted with lavender increments

The black hare
He doesn’t care
He is merely human
She won’t know what to think
She had too many Guardian Angels
Them angles

He is a constant thorn
She will disapropiate
Ezra?
Hey my
Brew,
Brother, Eish let me make you another tea and I may share a few yarns with you

Paint the roses any hue- the town is full of red-faced
men who do nothing to tame your mews
Listen
Some of us have got to say
Summat
About something. Kay?

Cos last time I checked Its OKAY to talk, spew, let it all out
Shake your tosser hand
Make sure of that clout you received last night.

I wasn’t there
I don’t care
What the fuck is a silent night
When your body is a constant ablaze to inner trappings of your, inner might

Mind
Full
What a sight.

A mind is cleansed by a prayer to shovel it to under nature’soils with a -blackie -the dead knight
He’s no talisman
He was a pet rabbit, not the shaded son’s garden boy.
That is a story where both lived to know what it feels to catch ha fright.
It didn’t start with a waterproof plastering over a burial ground….
It’s my curfew
Self isolate, lick my tail and tell myself self soothing mew mews
(Curfew words) too tired to correct

My simple pleasure is well over due.