When I say I want to disappear

By God, I truly want to conjure dark sorcery

never come back to this planet.

I’ve tried  to take my breathe  many times

 This might sound like Self -pity ( perhaps it is).

But I’m not here to get into it.

These are about my feelings.

I’m not a poet. I’m a person who has feelings & thoughts I need to express.

I’m not trying to hurt anybody.

I’m trying to live the best way I can,

I’ve tried to take my life many times (and) yet, here I am.

I do the best I can.

Deep pan Pizza, Fried Chicken,Sushi, Prosecco.

Get my fringe trimmed,

My daughter, a mermaid’s tail.

My husband.

Yes, I have sinned!

But I’m still here.

And all I want to do is disappear because I know that

Eventually-

Everyone I love,

Everyone I know is going to be gone.

And I wouldn’t have made the bonds with who I brought into this Life

Mor the people  I’ve met or come across.

I won’t have secured any bonds.

I am lost

I am always forlorn.

Flawed

I wear my

heart on my sleeve and

I cry. I

pace this kitchen over & over

And no I don’t have an excuse for relapsing

And I don’t have an excuse for what I have done.

If there’s one thing I am certain of my heart was invested in it all.I’m trying to do the best I can!

I wish I wasn’t here. I have plans- is this a death threat?

I don’t know.

All I know is there is pizza cooking, and I’m on my last tether

Overdoses don’t do it.

Maybe hang myself?

I’m (just) so far gone. This is not even a poem.

(Today)