Blog Archives

Character & mortality

Fear not to expose your vulnerabilities,
For those you seek to exploit know not
of your strengths
All are remarkable traits of your
personality.
Your mark on life
Your history
Most of all your strength of character
in your times played out in mortality.

Words are.

Words are an unconscious
token
To the art of life.

Carnival Freaksbut they’re my freaks

‘Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.’ –Janis Joplin

Got to live up to my reputation for being brutally honest, right? I feel so low. I know I post mostly positive posts and come across as having my shit together. I do, most of the time. I can’t pretend that in a couple of months, something has shifted in me. It’s been big enough to derail me – the crustal plates in my mind and body have moved too much and too soon. I have to lean on something to stop me from falling, falling to where? and on what?   What if I just fall and never stop.  How does it feel? I sit back. It’s gnarled at my insides. I have to remind myself to pull the carbon monoxide out with each breath. 

Why now? I have so much to live for, to be happy for. Is this the nature of mental illness? My inner Iago is a great trickster -it can make the most amazing opportunities, experiences that are going to happen or are happening seem like a mirage. It loves to betray me. It loves to jinx me. It loves to beat me. I know it is him but he is good at hiding.

 He is sly and duped my lazy /starved neurotransmitters into believing that they can’t take one tiny step over, from one synapse to another.

 COURAGE YOU IDIOTS!

Man up! I’m on enough pills. I should be a billion dollar comedian with all the serotonin and dopamine whizzing round my brain.

I had a full-blown panic attack this morning. I had to ask G to come upstairs and hold me. This has worked before. I then got up and cleaned up and hit the gym. That helped but it came back with reinforcements. So , picture me mentally rummaging around my wellness toolbox to find the right tool to smooth over the grave bits. The ones that live between my ribs – that defy gravity…

It’s not my heart racing, it’s that space high up in the middle of my first four ribs. It’s like every breath I take is halved- stolen. I have the need to break free, to implode- no, explode from this human body of mine and let the energy disperse. It won’t leave willingly. I need to pick up my sharpest knife , slice myself open and let all the carnival loose.

The freaks can’t stay. I want to accept them but they repulse me. I am scared that if they stay within me, I may become them and I will feel this way forever.

I’m just typing. Loads of errors. I’m hoping I can write myself out of a panic attack. Nothing else seems to have worked.. I am trying to take the least amount of medication as possible. 

I’m due to have a Skype call with a lady who will be making my jewelled bouquets in 20 minutes. I need to send the freaks on errands 

Legless man,go and find a pair.

Fortune teller – read up on everyone’s star signs- dust off your glass ball. Go find some mystery somewhere else.

Obese lady- waddle down the lane and get some organic shit down your pipe hole- and make sure you stop by the pastry shop. Hopefully, you will be too full to waddle back 

Claw hand man – practice jerking off and walking sideways – right, no just a bit more to the right, oops, sorry! I didn’t see the cliff. 

ALL OF YOU – I MEAN EVERYONE. VACATE. THE CARNIVAL HAS SHUT DOWN. 

 They beg me. They have nowhere else to go. Pleading, I can’t turn my eyes away from them despite their defects. I look at them. How can I leave them stranded with nobody to want them and nowhere to go? 

So I write. I tell them I need to cool off. I need them to just go and find something to do and they can come back once I’ve had time to be alone. Once I find peace. Once I can breathe again. I could never make them homeless.

They are freaks. Yes, they scare me but they are my freaks. Sometimes they listen to me and respect me. Let me feel a bit of peace. They come back quieter now and get on with preparing for the next show. I just need to reign them in every now and then.

It’s going to be alright. The order has been restored. I write to live- I write for peace.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am …

I am…

and that is good enough.



Happiness: How to Let Go

,

, yesterday. I was too busy posting about my cat’ Tatiana. I am just a tad happy at the moment. Right, this minute she is sleeping under the quilt with me. Epic moment -which will make more sense if you read the post about my Tatiana. Feel free to read and of course not read (I am merely updating my fellow cat lovers).  Owned 100%. Enough about me. Let’s get on with sharing how you can drum up some happiness of your own: in your own life.. 

 Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of posts and speaking to a few special people in my life. People who can’t seem to ‘sweat the small stuff’ out. Stop the ‘little thing’ thought’ critters from holding you back and moving on with your life. I’m guilty of it too.

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Let go of your grudges/fears/doubt and heartache 

TRADITION: Loy Krathon ( Lantern festival)  – I  am aware in countries like the U.K. laws are trying to be passed in  regards to using  lanterns CLIMATE ACTIVISTS CLICK ON LINK HERE FOR SAFE WAYS TO USE LANTERNS

DATE: Usually November – whenever the 12th full moon is according to the Thai lunar calendar

CELEBRATED IN: Thailand

Many of us (me included) sometimes tend to speak before engaging the brain and really think about what we are saying to some-one. I’m learning that by being rather blunt at times. Hurts. There are other ways to tell the truth without leaving a person feeling a bit crap and thinking less of themselves and stop people thinking that others now think less of them.   Most of us mean well and do not go out of our way to be malicious. 

images

Shutting up and ruminating over unhelpful thoughts, creates so much pressure in your brain; that it can leave little room/space in our minds for anything else to help challenge these negative thoughts. Keeping everything inside means all these thoughts accumulate and have nowhere else to go. This can be a major trigger for off- setting Anxiety.

I’m sure that whoever is reading this will possibly know about the Thai tradition of symbolically letting go of all negativity (anxiety and worries)by lighting lanterns. Thousands of them drift up into the sky, creating a cosy golden glow effect. The simple act of doing and of seeing all these lanterns fly away and disappear-  can create a compelling and magnificent sight.

So, I am only assuming here, you have probably heard this way of getting out negative thoughts from your mind before. What is that? Well, how can you create this same kind of act of ‘letting go’ wherever you are in the world? You may not be in Thailand and it is only February.

Write every unwanted thought down on paper or whatever you wish ( in this example paper is a good medium) .

Make sure each irritating thought is on separate pieces of paper.

Allow yourself a moment to reflect on each written thought

Then scrunch up the paper into a ball 

Then throw it into you bin/ wastebasket -the point is wherever you throw your junk

The not so climate ethical  alternative is to go outside and for a few moments release your inner arsonist- that little ‘firebug’ comes out and burns each paper – one by one. This is a more gradual and meditative way to release all those burdensome worries and anxieties.  Make sure you lock away your inner pyromaniac, before entering the house and make sure the fire is out! 😀

I remember a person told me of a really powerful mind exercise to do : Put each thought in a cloud and watch it float away and then watch it fly away and imagine it bursting and dissipating into the atmosphere far away from your mind.

The message is simple: It is not how you do it- you may come up with your own epic way to let all the crap go. The most important part you need to take away with you from this post. DO IT! Don’t put it off. 

Mind tricks

“I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved.”  Soren Kierkegaard   #FollowGreatFootsteps

WHY I’V CHOSEN THIS QUOTE

Not an especially inspiring quote  but it does reflect  my mood and the frustration I am feeling at the moment.

There are plenty of us  living with all sort of illnesses and I just like many of you , try to cope with living with them in the best way I can. These days I have good coping strategies but they don’t seem to be working.

I’m using my new skills and upping my game harder than ever and still I suffer.

No purgatory.

Well, there is an element of being lost and not knowing in what direction I am going in.

My opponent not only mastered this game of chess ,he carved the very pieces of each piece,  made the board and wrote the the rules. To say I’m frustrated and stuck is an understatement.

I’m struggling . That is the truth.

I need to start to think differently. I don’t know where the rule book is. I know all the cheat ways to get to my goal but I want to do it in a courageous and new way.

Our fight is frustrating. We feel at the mercy of our illness but we can stick together and support one another. Just by expressing ourselves in our blogging we are reaching out for support.

I need another way. I’m reaching out today becasue I don’t know who else to turn too

Acceptance

“Happiness can exist only in acceptance” George Orwell

Why this quote?

I have days when I am buzzing. I’m on an all self empowerment mission

 

if you don’t like me then talk to the palm , see the worry on my deadpan face.

Not accepting what and who you are and look like is a one way trip to an asylum – I know  this.

Some days I accept I am a “normal” weight  and body shape now. I am not supposed to l have  the body and measurements of a 14-15 year old.

 

I know this but I have moments where I struggle to accept I have breasts, periods, thighs that touch, hip bones not jutting out.

I work out but I am not muscular -I try to see that this is healthy and is a  desirable  look  to achieve and aim for.

 

Sometimes it is hard to separate my old beliefs that healthy =  chubby or not slim or thin.

I wonder if I have made some God awful mistake taking up  exercise. I’ve bulked up and when I see a picture of myself, on a down day. I zone in my arms.

Why are they so big? Where have my waif arms gone?

Not accepting yourself can drive you mad. I know this.

It drives old behaviours and thoughts.

There is me trying to fit in with the world and it ends up like this!

My biggest not so helpful behaviours are weighing myself obsessively -so I may as well super glue the thing to my feet, I do it so much.

The worst mind fuckery is when I ask my partner to take pictures of me. It is hard to accept myself  and be happy in a body when the mind won’t allow it.

It rejects the body as a whole. It zones in on one particular aspect.

KevinCorrado7.jpg

Big arms, no six pack, bloated tummy, cellulite.

So many thoughts scrabble  the mind

It must be the increase in medication

 I eat too much 

Why did I fool myself?

Why did I let myself be fooled that I am beautiful? 

The most insane thought…

Let me upload a bunch of pics of me  in my bikini,not in some exotic holiday place lazing by the pool ,sipping cocktails; but in my small bedroom, pale , no tan, trying to get in  as many angles as possible so I can scrutinise my body.

Anorexia begs me

PLEASE PUT THESE PICTURES UP! WE NEED SOME KIND OF VALIDATION!

I won’t and I can’t….

So this is just a small insight into how even ONE day of not accepting yourself and others can turn your day from driving by in a vintage open top Rolls Royce, past cotton fields, the air is a  sweet honey and the smell of fresh pine.

Not accepting yourself or  others can turn into a day of picking cotton, boiling and beating the starch out of the linen, the smell of sweet honey becomes a harbinger, it coats the scent of dead charred bodies- slaves.  Try to mask it. You become the person who sees the carefree people drive by so cool and seemingly  no problems.

I want to be happy so I must strive to accept myself as much as possible. I cling on to the good days and try to remind myself of the days when  I feel like I am in a suit and not a real body.

in other news today… Money comes in and money goes out.

It’s bill paying day  Just go with this one, please.

That is fucking seriously depressing but it doesn’t depress me because I accept that in order to be comfortable and happy I have to pay for that privilege.

It sucks that  I have to pay for it but it DOES NOT  have an impact on my happiness. I know I am poor in money and rich in love – I accept that just a  thought. ….



Protection for the compassionate

” You’re not like me, Scott. You are not like any other agent,I’ve ever known, your weight is your heart”– the whisperer -‘I am pilgrim’ by Terry Hayes

What this quote means is, that a person whose weight is  in his/her heart, means they are compassionate.

Compassion in a world of hatred, greed and war is often looked at as a  weakness.

I relate to this quote not because I am some hard core mercenary, as “fun” a career path as it seems.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ve been hurt -countless times because of my heart.

  • Some people are aces
  • Some people are clubs
  • some people  are diamonds

I can de program my mind and harden myself.  I won’t do that. Compassion is a gift. It is an art.

I’m sure all you compassionate people will agree.

Unfortunately, in order to safeguard ourselves so that people won’t exploit our compassion, we need to show it in less obvious ways.

Who would try and back stab you ?

Any one who sees something in you that they haven’t realised or found in themselves.

  • Friends
  • family
  • colleagues
  • partners

You are even more of a threat if your inner qualities are  expressed  and reflected on what people see on the outside. It’s a competitive world out there.

I have learnt to not take bullshit from people.

I have struggled for years questioning why certain people are hostile or go out of their way to lap up any compliments I dish out but when it comes to bigging me up or supporting me – all I can hear are the tumbleweeds.

I know that I am not alone in this feeling.

So how can we be compassionate and protect ourselves?

Be compassionate to yourself first. A lot of people will be

have  around you according to what they need and what they feel.

Be aware.

Your greatest threat can be dressed as your greatest allies.

Save your compassion for those who will truly appreciate it. I’ve only just started learning about how I can use my compassion without feeling left abused, drained and not acknowledged.

You will never be an equal with someone who sees you as a threat and who won’t treat you as their equal.

Their actions will reveal their agenda.

Chair meeting (hung) over

Down with procrastination
Up with productivity

#justsaynotoslumps
Keep pushing on.
Is there a social media ban app that won’t let me unblock until I say it can unblock me ? 樂樂樂樂

I’ve been on a manic induced high for a week . I’m crashing down .
I can’t hit the  dug out ditch
Comfortably numb
soiled and moist 

I have people who I want to be there- cemented in a consistent framework-  for.

A lot of new changes happening in my life  etc…
And the depression is real.
Nothing makes sense,
Discombobulated sums it up best.

The tears are pulling at the heart- spiritually & physically .


Them those tears that seem forced
if you try to visibly show your seismic shamic induced  seizure of the internal  crustal plates  of your entire cosmos .

The Internal  inadequacies
An inferno of anxieties .
Various maladies & malaises.
It all comes across as dramatics, fakeries…
Not worth the eyes snapping desparatly in driftly

A backdraft of procrastination confirms I can’t complete my goal ( just a thought)

And reinforcees the belief that I’m  damned as a  writer .
A fraudster..

I never want to pick a pocket or two
Just say no to the plague or schism ..


Just do it !
Get my heart  into gear and finish my task .


Sincerely,
The * literally *  illiterate  literate..

Tears of unsung fabrications
Turn into tears of gaye garment fruition.
I need  more vacations
Less over occupied vagabond vacants  at my omission.

Boundaries not bondage.

Mah… bah

Ever felt like this ….

The gods must be crazy

When chaos has erupted ready to engulf all that we are ;
Death will raise a fury to sustain all mortals with life.
The scales must never meet
For then only foe succeeds it’s ally.

  • the God’s must be crazy or a lie.
    #justafewwords before I die.

Crown me

Own your crown like it is your temple- for the crown you choose to wear will define your silhouette to others and your temple reveals the boundaries that form the foundations of your character.These are my words for today.