I’m trying to do anything to keep my mind from falling apart,so I wrote this.
( I wrote this monologue to try to help me deal with today& something * crazy* that happened a couple of years ago).
If anyone reads it , thanks .
If not – a problem or a few words shared – is a problem halved..
MO – Maya’s husband and daughter to MIA
MAYA – mid 30/40’s mother and wife to Mo
MIA -young child-daughter
(MO lying on what could be a sunbed /hospital bed. Spotlight -Bright lights -glaring down on her. Darkness all around her)
MO: There’re so many ways I could start what happened that day, so many ways… Sometimes, I think the best way to start is at the end -the tubes down my throat, the experiments, the torture (beat) or at the middle: “You’re mad in the head, you are. Summit wrong with ya. We filmed it. Caught ya red-handed, silly bint”.
VOICES: What happened? She didn’t! I’m calling the cops.
MO:Then I think to start at the beginning but my mind -it struggles- it’s addled -it struggles to find an entry point that can start linearly if ya know what I mean. …
A beginning that will justify, lend a decorum of erm.. credibility for all those who were involved in a moment that changed Mo and Mia’s lives for… at least a few weeks.
I’ve never claimed I was perfect.. or do I wanna be. Always say..Well- not always, summit * I* say.It’s a motto -like something I’ve adopted as my own. Who doesn’t know the lyrics to Bob Marley’s Tune? (sings) I shot the sheriff but I didn’t shoot any deputy -ooooh ooooh ooooh. To get back to what I was on about. I’m not perfect, yeah. No mask ever is. I stick my hand up whenever I’ve gone wrong in my life. And I sure as hell will say when I’m not.
Them lot. *Them* next door. Neighbours supposed to be friendly like – not mine. They refused to take responsibility for the barrage of abuse on their part. Harassing me like I was the only one on the estate doing cuckoo shit, man.
They didn’t see me get abducted by them aliens -Truth: Illegal aliens.
They weren’t imprisoned by our laws. They didn’t want me to come to this world even when I begged them. Well, I could only blink. *They *could hear my thoughts. They knew I had been tossing a coin over the worth of my own life for many a year. The day it all kicked off, I was trying to be on my best behaviour- not screw things up like I usually do. It was a proper sunny day, I had my bikini on, Mo blew up the pool. ( laughs) it was a plastic one – it needed air. We sat in the garden. I had a few drinks and summit snapped in my head. I thought , ‘right I’m gonna get on the phone to my regular geezer and score me a hit’.
Mo comes into the kitchen knowing full well summin was up, so I just said my usual spiel and before he could answer, I flew out the door, and I ran over to *his* car. I turned around to go back to my house and there she was.
Number 1 -Miss neighbourhood watch or should I say Ms curtain twitcher filming me. Things had been building up in my head for a while, the pressure, my mind felt full of cotton wool most days.
I wasn’t happy. I didn’t think about it and before I knew it: Boom, the glass window -her glass window shattered and…I was holding this great big hunk of Yorkshire stone in my hand. It took both hands to hold it.
Shit hit the fan.Police sirens were whirring, Mo,” I’m gonna get Mia up to my your mams house”. They arrest me in front of her. She was crying. I was begging them to give Mo a chance to take her around the corner. Cos of Corona -like ,we had to wait for 5 hours to get me booked in.
My brain snapped in that cell. The police thought I had ADHD. I screamed for 4 hours. I was restrained by 5 police officers. I screamed until blood was coming out of my mouth.
The Crisis team was called and they said it wasn’t there ‘problem’. I’m well known to them -my social worker said- Well, I can’t remember.But everyone was passing the buck from one Flippin pole to the next. I got cautioned and was told by the copper to come back in a week. Next day- Mo went to work on the day shift; Mia well.. she was staying with my mom. And I knew I had enough to do it. Do it properly. I had read the manual, it might as well have been titled ‘How to escape Planet Earth’. It was informative. I bought it online.
I bought myself a one-way ticket to another realm. That was it for me. I followed every step of the manual and then I blacked. Found myself strapped to a bed with aliens looking down on me wearing spacesuits. It didn’t stop. The torture didn’t stop. I even started to pray to a God I don’t even believe in. It was hell.
I thought to myself. This is it. I screwed up again. Its never going to end. The strangest thing was I kept on seeing this image of my mom. I tried hard to keep the image of Mia and Mo in view but it was my Mom’s face that I could focus on.
One minute I was trapped in this spaceship and the next I opened my eyes and I saw all white, even the people and no they weren’t aliens with big eyes and scary faces, they were smiling and perfectly human just like you and me. I tried to move my head to the left and there on a table, I saw a picture of Mo, Mia and.. my mom. 11 days later Mo was allowed to check me back into a familiar place: Earth.
He was mad at me for disappearing like I did but soon after he hugged me and we had a right giggle about me trying to convince him I’d been abducted by Aliens. Cos of Corona it turns out that the aliens with their headgear and silver suits on were people. They weren’t aliens, I mean they were strangers to me but… they weren’t trying to suck out my brain: my thoughts, my feelings, you know? They weren’t trying to take my life
They were trying to save me.
It’s a funny life, innit?
Fear not to expose your vulnerabilities,
For those you seek to exploit know not
of your strengths
All are remarkable traits of your
Your mark on life
Most of all your strength of character
in your times played out in mortality.
Everyone can feel like a
All it takes is a
Dose of creationist bacteria inciting
on grounds countering humanity.
Freedom shatters pedalling gamblers.
Cards spiral up.
Offers new found grip on this moment.
Cha cha amorous
Latin her body speaks.
Acquaint within ear shot of an organic pulse
Inertia rests in patchouli scented tomstones.
Nobody sheds dull
the skin held in chains invisible.
Everybody still ignorant to the body disappearing into Huxtable’s fable.
Iris shows off her pupils under natural sun light.
Rainbow replenishes chakras.
Illustrated by the refusal to keep a voice hidden
Saints need sinners. New mantra forwards a thinker.
Embrace beats without hesitation.
Life moves along with or without your participation
Our life is entirely summarised by a dash.
1981- insert date of death.
Everything that we do within those dates define what we accomplish and who we become or don’t.
One small dash.
Engraved on our tombstone is what makes our life signicant in this life to others…
That dash between the years is what we did or didn’t get to do with our life.
Or maybe I’m talking crap…..
Probably the latter ..
Today ,I wasn’t prepared though my gut knew better than to be not blase but scared.
A fleeting hope that the healers could give you a boost
The hardest decision was to accept that your time was up.I had to cut you loose.
I’m numb, guilty, wishing I had you for a few more nights.
Allowing your sorrowful suffocating soul seconds more would add to this punishing plight & dreams of death – faeces, dead babies, deer, filthy flies and discarded driftwood souls drunk on flotsam
Waived inner strength; sight to ignite a courageous carcass of hope
Never mind , my Tatiana. You breathe free , unleashed from the God’s who wouldn’t let you rest.
You were too remarkable to ignore.
Your status has soared
A wing span of your choice.
These words don’t do justice
I love you
This is your eulogy
An ode to your life with no apology.
so sweet ,
Life and death
The mortal twins
The janus of the past , the future
You -the triplet was my greatest moment of
Why do we close our eyes when we sleep?
When we cry?
If we imagine?
Who we kiss?
This is because the most beautiful things in
the world is unseen.
It’s always the unexpected people I’ve come across in my life who I often wonder about.
The ones who I can’t forget ..
If I described even one of these people to someone..
They may think-
Well, survival of the fittest.
Hindsight makes me see that we can’t all be saved .
We all have our own path to tread.
But what if we could have done..
Where does less or more stop?
The ones who touched my life so briefly ;
I imagine what happened to them or what where their journey led them to before their final destination.
The people who have had a
an impact on my views are usually those passing or perhaps “insignificant” people who’ve brought out the best in me & who taught me something about humanity .
The humanity I was born with.
It’s not taught .
Humanity is our first grasp with the lessons of life.
Our first test in grasping what it means to us to be human.
Dedicated to those who helped me realise that my core is good & helped me to develop my own humanity & reflect on my own savagery.
We are beautiful misfits.
We are misfittingly beautiful.
Is life just a formality to prepare us for death?
How many people have died in their God’s name in their moments of weakness and then died in those moments of weakness?
I don’t know where I’m going with this question but what does it say about faith and life and our different notions & preconceptions of death and our loved ones final resting place ?
My thoughts after watching Martin Scorsese film ‘Silence ‘
A film to make those who think think
Just a thought…
If you know how to love you know how to live
If you know how to live you know how to love
A stolen sign
whilst awoken waiting on directions for heaven’s gates
Run out of fuel
words condemned ?
soul ( emaciated)
Fated E Lated Disorderly
Dispose these written words
To an insincere society.
The mardi gras lives within
a breathe wren
Sightless strumpet life (insert your own GIF)
Demanding hymn for those
Singing pslams to the prejudice
Justified :those folk who missed the nearest fire exit.
I know a special girl whose heart is full of sunshine .
She dances her way around the world to deliver her own special punchline
She laughs so distinctly that people cannot help but become infected
It is a sight to behold when this observation is detected She is gracious and kind and is delicately inclined the phrase ‘she is an angel’ are the only words that come to mind .
Her name means beautiful-that of body, mind and soul and to have her touch so many lives confirms her title role.
She is my modern day princess -so noble and full of grace I love her with all my being and she is a person that I cannot replace
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my sweet child. You are the true gift I found it in your innocent eyes and that was the day my world truly began to shift.