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Grandmama who forgot

Death rattle

Reminiscent of an uprising of crickets ready to battle.
Stare at a puffed updiamond heart
Drumming inside an empty cage.
Birds ripped apart.
Gargoyle stares ignored.
Folk bumble about unaware of what’s in store for us all,
eventually.
The breathe of Hades lingers
then makes a dash for scant flesh and bones.
Meat is not this gods instrument
Lust causes the call for more drones.
Sponge, moisten parched parted lips
Raven signals the ire of its whips.
The ones who don’t loose it in bedlam excite
Death,
Invites all loved ones to rally around
Stands by door.
Stands back a while
Admires its own power.
A moment to savour
Every door closed,
Each breath cloys,
Begs for enough fare to cross the distance to embrace Elysium air.
Today everyone shall know how close we are to parting from brown soil.
Lambs,
Hatched chickens,
Babies born in Cumbersome air.
The cycle must complete before we can emerge reborn.
Death is inevitable as necessary as life is to the Cumbaya of springs first show of petal.
When you look at the beginning of this new dawn,
Know that when you stand back in awe
Its because you have felt the chill of winters soul depart.
Shed a tear for the snowman who brought our youth so much joy.
Appreciate death.
Stare it in the face.
The sun chants
counting his rosary beads.
Tomorrow never dies.
Trying to type something while listening and watching my grandmother dying.
Rasp
Gasp
I support the assisted dying law.
This is inhumane!
A selfish farce.
Happy mothers day,
Wherever you go
Wherever you roam
I hope that it is a place as magnificent as earths revellers make it out to be.

Ma petit fripon. Je t’aims toujours

This a poem that I wrote whilst waiting and comforting my mom and my gran before she passed over in March 2018, from vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. I wrote it while waiting for her to let go of Life. It’s a Morbid (and possibly strange) thing to do when someone you love is dying in front of you. This was one way of expressing my powerlessness, over a period 3 days watching someone cling on to this Life).*

A special girl

I know a special girl whose heart is full of sunshine .

She dances her way around the world to deliver her own special punchline

She laughs so distinctly that people cannot help but become infected

It is a sight to behold when this observation is detected She is gracious and kind and is delicately inclined the phrase ‘she is an angel’ are the only words that come to mind .

Her name means beautiful-that of body, mind and soul and to have her touch so many lives confirms her title role.

She is my modern day princess -so noble and full of grace I love her with all my being and she is a person that I cannot replace

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my sweet child. You are the true gift I found it in your innocent eyes and that was the day my world truly began to shift.

Second Life- Mort tell et tea

 

* This Borderline poem was written a week before I attempted to take my life (again).I ended up in Critical Care  in a coma for 5 days & in ICU for a further 6 days. I was discharged from hospital on the 21st of May 2020 *

 

Please, make sense of  reality.

Use a stream of consciousness

words to vent,

rant,

rave,

A discovery in recovery

 Fathom out sense because words are only as good as the interpreter.

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 Could add literary success to a Gravatar profile  in  an ebook

Add few drafts poured into that fulminate crunched up chaos.

This doesn’t invoke a feeling of literary success.

Trying

Struggling to convey all words .

Reciprocated words are often misinterpreted

Misheard

Another attempt  to convey these words

Perhaps one person will see this array of affray spread its torment defecating the inner spiral case of the

Mind,

It swirls descends these steps in every way.

The moment to call it a day

This draws an outline forever have to have the last say.

Hear me proclaim

This

Is

My

Life.

Don’t want to carry on living this way

Shame lingers

It overstays — the bailiff  texts for rent arrears

Read,

What is laid down?

Listen

I’m not done yet.

 

 Hanging by a thread it’s tethered

Seen many days to identify as weathered

 Hanging by a thread

This is my life purpose!

Final chance to  meet my fate

Waited for this all my life

A  mystery date with a severed soul mate.

 

Taught & tethered & weathered is this rope

To late

 convinced

I’m no tight rope walker.

I’ve become my own word stalker

Shoulda, coulda, woulda arrested these rants before my digress

 

Covert corner

Wait in this hidden corner.

 

Evidently I’ve learned that survival is innate.

It ain’t easy to digest the days I’m not blessed to eat from a plate.

 keep rising up despite a life times worth of trip-ups.

 

Until I die

One fine day

I’ll face the final exit of my mortality

 

I’ll know the truth

Either way it’s gonna end up with a body

Fatality.

Subconsciously  know why I feel

It’s called humanity

What do I know about that  damp dark corner entertaining souls I’ve yet to meEt?

Going to have to wait for a future promising chance we haven’t dreamt of taking yet.

If I lose all memory

 Forget those words  

soggy, wet, lost to another realm of the bereft

Lest I forget.

I write to recover.

Be happy or die trying.

 

Simultaneously a resilient species & inconveniently inept

 

 

 

A poem from a strange daughter

If  foresight revealed you would  always  remain  my biggest fan

then in retrospect, I’m certain you wished that you had made a better escape plan.

I type these words weary & mothered out.

Wondering how I can still love a child who dismisses me without having to shout.

I do.

Mostly love

Mostly nag & figure motherhood out.

Is it worth it?

Life is fleeting.

these words would sound better if interpreted by a Geisha learning how to interpret the I Ching.

Silver linings

strive to find a purpose.

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you may make you stronger

It also makes one weary and often a bit teary.

 I carry on the tradition

light  your cake as a reminder

that without you there would be no fire lit in my belly savouring the meaning of meaning.

Life is a celebration, a trial and cursed blessing.

I have no words to convey how much I have sinned.

To quote a wise lady I’ll be happy if I can be a quarter the lady my mother is when…

she draws the curtains on her solo performance of a life lived.

life would have been sung by the haunting blues & myriad cherubs singing ‘Elysium exists’ hymn after hymn.

Happy birthday –  psalm 58 to the creator of  hope & faith

a celebration to your mortality.

Insightful are those who keep a track of the moments lived in the presence

& know how to make all of it count.

Ma petit fripon 

via Ma petit fripon 

Death rattle

Reminiscent of an uprising of crickets ready to battle

Stare at a puffed updiamond heart

Drumming inside an empty cage. Birds ripped apart.

Gargoyle  stares ignored.

Folk bumble about unaware what is in store for us all- eventually.

The breathe of Hades-

Lingers then makes a dash for scant flesh and bones.

Meat is not this gods instrument. Lust causes call for more drones

Sponge, moisten  parched parted  lips

Raven signals the ire of its whips

The ones who don’t loose it in bedlam excite

Death.

Invites all loved ones to rally round

Stands by door. Stands back.Admires its ownpower.

A moment to savour for a while more.

Every door closed,  each breath cloys

Begs for enough fare to cross the distance to embrace elysium air.
Today everyone shall know how close we are to parting from brown soil

Lamb,hatched chickens,babies born in  Cumbersome air.

the cycle must  complete before we can emerge reborn

Death is inevitable  as necessary as life is to the Cumbaya

of springs first show of petal.

When you look at the beginning of this  new dawn

Know that when you stand back in awe

It is because you have felt the chill of winters soul depart

Shed a tear for the snowman who brought  our youth so much joy.

Appreciate death. Stare it in the face

The sun chants

 count in rosary beads

tomorrow never dies.

Trying to type something while listening and watching my  grandmother dying.

Rasp

Gasp

I support the assisted dying law.  This is inhumane.

A selfish farce.
Happy mothers day

Wherever  you go

Wherever  you roam

I hope that it is a place as magnificent as earths revellers make it out to be

Ma petition fripon. J’taime xxxx

* What I wrote waiting and comforting my ma and my gran before she passed over.

seasons lies life’s mystery

This is the moment where I should embrace the wintery-powder snow to come.

Under-wraps.

We all delight to create snow angels.

So too do the most damaged pimped out hoes

The death of everything I know.

 

Yet,

I

don’t

know

if

I’ve

 ever

 known

Even one thing for certain.

Always,

I  thought

I blew according to the way the wind doth blow.

until I  walked right into the eye of the

C.louds

 I.ntelligance

A.ir

shouted them down-

No, I won’t go slow.

 

Voice  ricochets  seeking  a target

breathe exterminated-

The managers above cloud corporation hear my

costly,

cerise

commotion —

derogatory

delirious

temper tantrum.

 

speech

pressurised protests-

Attacks of panic.

I got what I was owed.

Hitch hiked a lift with a passing tornado.

 

Whirlwind dropped me off in a place with no directions to  the Republic of sense-at-ors of common.

I walked along the  the uneven, cobbled path —  another independent equality  free flowing  feminist ,

juggling with digits and exchanged words with third eye chakra chemists

Paper –

trees-

All alternate in form — it ends for the same means.

Or is that me unravelling myself from being stitched up — picking away at the seams?

I didn’t  mean  to lose my way — countryside hikes are  not my  governing zodiac  sign indicating

I’m in my element.

This body contains still waters wrapped in layers of skin.

No  teasing trickle or   babbling brook

nor a wishing well to reassure my hearts confidence within.

 

Summertime- the livings never easy

not when you’re a weed  on self destruct,

especially when the sun shines on  and makes blossoming

a gift without the morning sickness

That sense of queasy.

 

Rudimentary realisation.

 

Desolate

Deception.

Dark sunglasses can’t make me incognito to —

Looking back-

 

I should  of clapped my hands

, in breathless awe when the sunset—

lowered gently against the abstract  backdrop

Tropical orange salmon, pink sprayed skies.

 

Pay my respects —

Let it rest when it his time to slip down and fall.

 

Reap what you sow.

I deal with every blow.

 

Turbulent Winds commands my flight against   common ground

I find myself high up  and all alone

the comedown — finds me face down in muddy bog marsh — eyes arrested by a facetious fog —

Not even a bird to sing me an ode of encouragement to aid me back home.

we come into this world alone and we die alone.

Money, stuff — the acquisition of property

— it all gets left behind when we lift the veil to step into the next body of energy-

stagnation left in a cadaver —

this is our vessel —

Our only claim to earth’s  throne.

Seasoned Cycles of

life,

death,

regeneration,

rebirth.

 

Change –

it’s contradictory to our nature.

Wearily wallow over wilted, dead plants — tomorrow I’ll throw them away.

 procrastination

Embrace the opaque

the possibility of a welcome winter

undisturbed silence-solace only to be found in untouched fallen snowflakes.

Trigger the cycle to fall — this is autumn.

Death and decay I feel implacably broken.

This idea of pressing flowers, dried

Into bookmarks is a nostalgic notion.

Shouldn’t I let it go and embrace the tremors, the blast of the callous   cousins cold and colder

A gift of this perilous season?

anti climatized.

 

I live on an island full of tall trees in treason for being out of season.

Let these words be enough.

Be my reason.

On my knees begging for hands to let go of me-especially those who touch are rough.

 

Grant me sight to see-

permit  my body and soul to feel the spectrum

exhilarating and painful emotion.

Facing  forward to a future

 smelling the unsullied  scent of rebirth

A possible sight spotting of   Tigger

ready to  uncoil  and bounce into spring

 For the awakening of the blessed bees, Lilly white lambs and a hereuse holiday closer to the ocean.

 

 

 

 

 

Belief (3) Why do we die?

*Disclaimer I  write with a light heart and humour. I  don’t wish to offend anyone.*

The origin  of death- one view taken from Maori people in  New Zealand. When  the world started there was no belief in death.

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The Maori  always brings to my mind  this

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THE HAKA RITUAL BEFORE KICKING OFF A RUGBY GAME

There belief in  how it came  to be that we had to die is as intimidating  and passionate as the ritual war dance itself.  I type this with a smile on my face because I also can’t help but wish I could see how the opposing team keeps a straight face when the ‘All Blacks’ do the ‘haka’ – I mean it is not your average hand to the heart ,patriotic national anthem song is it?

One day  Rangi – the sky God and his wife  Papa, the earth Goddess had a child – -Tane. He took the form of a forest He grew up between his parents. He separated the two, because they forced him to live in the dark. Poor Tane! He may have had this thought

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This traumatic childhood brought out the worst in Tane. He had to conquer his fear of the dark.  He did this by becoming a monster – no one knew what he truly was. He kept all his dark, twisted thoughts in his head.

Until one day, Tane said

“Papa.  I think it would be a good idea if you and me ,well you know… get it on”

“Tane” his mother is shocked. ” No. this is not right. I don’t like the in bred  country folk look.I know you  are part earth and this is you country   but I think you have the whole language and music of love  ideaa wrong  ” .

She may even have been more blunt and said this:

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In my eyes this makes Papa super cool. Surf music, oh yeah! Play it too me.

Tane was like  -not having some mother Goddess tell me what to do! 

So, he found some mud, shaped it into a woman and  sowed his wild oats. Living in the darkness obviously didn’t give him any opportunities to express pleasure or meet attractive females.

The mud woman ( I think this was more a one night stand situation) fell pregnant and so Tane took his beautiful  daughter ,named her and married her.

So far, the twisted theme prevails.

One day she started asking questions about her family and she had a moment of shame.  She found out she was Tanes wife and daughter.

There are contradictory arguments about how she found out  but the point is, she had a conscience  and she descended in shame  into the darkness of Po –  the underworld.  So Tane may have said to himself:

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Hine -Titama didn’t know any better. She only knew something was so wrong with this set up.

This emotion of shame spread to the humans and so death became a place the humans would begin to frequent.

One day, Tane went to go and visit his bride/daughter. Something in Hine-Titama had changed. The darkness had changed her.

She said:

“Listen Tane -you need to stay in the light and look after our children. I will stay here in the darkness and drag them into the darkness, it is for the best”

Maybe this was the only way she could nurture and love her children ,by being in the dark. If they were dead – maybe they wouldn’t know of her shame and she could love them

Of course I am making this up and could be totally wrong.

After that conversation with Tane. She became known as Hine-nui-te-po- the Goddess of darkness and death. 

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What is missing from this tragic tale?  A……..

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CUE MODERN TALKING  SONG – MAYBE I DON’T  WANT A HERO…

Indeed, Maui was a hero but he was also a a bit of a………… mmmmmmmmmh

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Not you ! Him.

Hine-nui-te-po was having a nap. Dragging people to their death is tiring business. Maui decides this would be a great time to save the day and he rape the Goddess of the underworld.

I think he may have been a bit of a psychopath too. In his head he had  he may have had this thought

So, if I rape the Goddess of darkness I will be doing the world a favour. She will die. I will  make sure she does and then I .. I mean we humans can live forever.

Luckily Hine-nui-te-po woke up.

She had  put her time in the underworld  to good use -bench pressing and using arm weights. I think squats were her favourite exercise.

She  ended up squeezing Maui to death- with her THIGHS.

xena-meme

She made sure that mortality would remain in the world forever and ever.

 

The end.

(ALL IMAGES SOURCED FROM GOOGLE IMAGES. I TAKE NO CREDIT FOR BEING THE AUTHOR OR SOURCE OF THESE IMAGES)

thoughts about Transformation

 Monday – a perfect excuse for a short rant. I’m a massive fan of The Originals  series.  Watched 10 episodes of season three on Saturday – DATE NIGHT – in the Willows household.

It’s a supernatural series so inevitably tarot cards would eventually pop up. What pisses me off is the ‘death’ card; is always seen as the symbolic message that bad things are about to happen for the characters. This applies to every series and movie that uses this symbol to imply upcoming doom and gloom.  I know it’s the movie industries way of collectively connecting the viewer. I’m still going to rant and give you a lesson in the true meaning of the ‘Death’ grim reaper symbol used in Tarot card decks.

When I used to read Tarot cards, I didn’t see them as something mystical but something more scientific. -more psychological.

“The most powerful sources of information come from within; the Tarot aids in coming in contact with one’s Higher Self.THE HERMETIC ORDER OF THE GOLDEN DAWN

Jung believed that the “collective unconsciousness is the foundation of what the ancients called ‘the sympathy of all things'”. For Jung, the human psyche lived in three separate parts: the conscious, the personal unconscious and the collective unconscious. Archetypes, powerful universal figures and symbols live in the personal and collective unconscious, shaping our perceptions and experiences.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.htm

The Tarot is divided into Major and Minor arcana- There are 22 Major arcana which draws on Archetypes- death being but one. For more information UNDERSTANDING TAROT CARDS

*TAROT CARDS ARE NOT EVEN MEANT TO BE USED TO PREDICT THE FUTURE*

In a Tarot reading, these powerful archetypes work together to create a pattern or a message that allows the questioner to understand and sort out their difficulties. Like many other oracles, their powerful symbols can also demonstrate to the reader the feelings or ideas that are lurking just below the surface of their conscious mind. The symbolism of the Tarot can be a gentler way to bring the questioner in touch with feelings they may be refusing to acknowledge.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.htm

Archetypes can help a reader makes sense of the symbols in their life. It can be a therapeutic method identifying with an Archetype -a person can understand more about their situation and know how to bring out their symbolic strengths and be aware of their symbolic weaknesses.

  We all have the ability to be a Warrior, Magician or Mother- archetypes evolve as we do.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.html

So what does the DEATH archetype mean?

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Major Arcana:DeathThe image of Death can be celebrated or feared depending on your culture or custom.  Viewed by some as a punishment and others are a natural part of life, Death (and the Grim Reaper) are symbols that have very strong reactions.  Whether you see Death as a force to be fought against or as a marker of change, there is no denying that transformation and renewal are a part of Death.Many modern Tarot decks have changed the name of the 13 card in the Major Arcana from Death to Transformation to make it less worrisome.  Whether you view Death as an ending or a time of change, there is still the pain of letting things go and the excitement of new opportunities.

See nothing to worry about.

The Grim Reaper dance of happiness

*DISCLAIMER – I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT ANYONE ATTEMPT SELF SUICIDE -IN FACT THIS POST’S MESSAGE IS COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE*

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Embrace your mortality

TRADITION: Dia de Muertos  ( day of the dead)

DATE: 1st and 2nd of November

CELEBRATED IN: Mexico

Death- the greatest paradox of all. We know it will happen to us all but we don’t know what will happen after.  What a topic for Monday morning! Maybe it is apt, you may feel like death today. Jokes aside. A lot of us a petrified of the unknown. Fear stops us from moving forward and letting go.

Maybe some of you have not given much thought about your own mortality but I am sure that you have thought about losing people you love. I have and it terrifies me. I don’t know how I will be able to live when my own mother or father dies. Thoughts like these – can cause anxiety and depression which leaves no space for us to enjoy life.

Us humans are a resourceful bunch and have invented beliefs and faiths about what awaits us when we leave our mortal body.

Today the spinning globe makes a pit stop at mexico.   Mexico’s Dia de los Muertos.

The origin of this festival started way back – pre Hispanic times. The tradition carried on to the present day is that death and life are parallel. When a person dies they are not lost but can come back and visit their earth home as ghosts.

These ghosts are welcomed by Mexico’s earth dwellers. Tempted by offerings of candles, food, flowers and the opportunity to celebrate with their family and friends.

After the feast – there is a mass trip to the cemetery to clean up relatives graves and re -decorate them. The event is a happy one. It is not morbid and sad.

There is usually a parade of inflated life size costumes of skeletons with smiling faces ready to party. They get into the groove with a little help from  Mexico’s very own professional ensemble of musical artistes known as the MARIACHI BAND.  There are fun fair rides for children and adults alike. Shops sell cakes in the shapes of  skulls,coffins and skeleton . What a wonderful way to help children grow up not fearing the idea  of  death.

MESSAGE: No, we don’t all believe in the after life but what an awesome way to give your deceased loved ones the greatest send off. It is a way of remembering your loved ones and in turn you will not being forgotten.  APPRECIATE THE DAYS YOU HAVE LEFT IN THIS LIFE! Death must not be feared. It should be seen as the ultimate act of true FREEDOM.

(Image sourced from Google images)

 

HAPPINESS TIP:Like sand through the hourglass…..

SECRET TO HAPPINESS TRADITION: Accept and celebrate the impermanence of LIFE

DATE: Any time

CELEBRATED: Tibet

Before I carry on writing when I came up with this title I couldn’t help but remember the famous and cheesy American Soap opera and that man’s voice completing the ‘………. and so are the days of the our lives.’ All non-Americans CAN WATCH IT HERE.  The thing is that quote is blindingly accurate.

I think I might of mentioned this in a previous post on this page, but westerners (that’s us) tend to have this idea that we are ‘the centre of the universe’. We live in a non spiritual and materialistic society where success and praise is about the individual. We are so preoccupied with our our own sense of blazing importance. 

Many people move to cities that is where the money is  and forget that their is a navy coloured sky  above t so vast above us, which puts into perspective what a smidgen we truly are in this imperishable  universe.

Tibetan monks have a rather splendid way of creatively interpreting  this in escapable fact,by making intricate and rather vivid and stunning mandalas with grains of sand.

They pour sand out of metal funnels and skilfully make complex patterns  and spectacular  symbolic forms of  animals, spirits, demons

These mandalas take days to make but when they are complete, the Tibetans, scoop up half of this fantastical creation made of sand and put it in an urn. Half of the sand is shared with the audience, to circulate and disperse its healing among the people. The rest of the sand is then poured into a river or some  body of water.

Bizarrely, celebrating our mortality and perish-ability,  can be peculiarly  soothing.

How can we manifest this in our own lives?  If you have ever watched ‘Mary Poppins’ why not draw chalk pictures on a path then stay and watch it deteriorate or be washed away by the rain or swept away with the wind.  There is a  part in the movie where they bring the chalk pictures to life by jumping into the pictures singing ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’ and create this fantastical life around them.

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The children are so sad when it start to rain and they have to come out from the pictures created and watch that creation of life be washed away by the rain. Remember how as children we used to lie on our backs and make symbols out of clouds?  Do that. Watch how the clouds change from a face to a duck!

Make a sandcastle if you are lucky enough to live near the ocean. This celebration is about permitting yourself to admit and accept the fact that nothing lasts- relish  the peace and unity that comes with it.

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