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Dear So called friend

The neglected child

There are many types of Child Abuse 

Emotional Abuse can be hard to spot and is easy to miss the signs. 

  • humiliating or constantly criticising a child-

 When my Mom was in a Domestic Violent Relationship with my ex step father he would constantly tell me I was chubby, too clingy.

  • threatening, shouting at a child or calling them names
  • making the child the subject of jokes, or using sarcasm to hurt a child
  • blaming and scapegoating

My ex -step father would shout at me for wanting to be close to my mom. He would drag me into my bedroom -my mom would stick up for me and she would get the brunt of my tantrums, clinginess, my eating issues.

  • making a child perform degrading acts
  • not recognising a child’s own individuality or trying to control their lives
  • pushing a child too hard or not recognising their limitations

My ex step father’s idea of teaching me how to swim was to grab hold go me, jump into the swimming pool and stay under the water until I thought I would pas out. He would do this as a joke in front of his friends and laugh at me for being so scared. I was 5 years old

  • exposing a child to upsetting events or situations, like domestic abuse or drug taking

My ex step father used to beat my mom up regularly because she dared to challenge him for cheating on her constantly ,for getting a 15 year old pregnant. He was always high and there were always parties going on with strange men and women around. I used to try and defend my mom until I became too afraid. I used to barricade myself in my bedroom. I would wait until he came home from work and hide under the bed. 

  • failing to promote a child’s social development
  • not allowing them to have friends
  • persistently ignoring them

I felt like my life was irrelevant. I wasn’t worth anything. I remember having an argument with my mom. She was struggling with her Mental health and the abuse. She came home from work when I was 5/6 years old. I was dressed up in her wedding dress and having fun. She screamed at me to get out her room .She was crying, I didn’t want to be away from her. She locked me out of the room because I started to have a tantrum. I went to the kitchen and got a knife out of the drawer and went to her bedroom door and yelled I was going to stab myself if she didn’t open the door. No reply. I heard her crying. I felt alone and that I couldn’t help her.

  • being absent

When I felt helpless and angry. I would act out. I would binge on food, wet the bed conrantly and go and sleep with the dogs in the kitchen. I recall one day feeling so worthless and useless that I couldn’t make my mom better or please my ex step father that I packed a suitcase falloff toys and clothes. I needed to get away. I walked down the driveway (to my child self -it looked like I was walking a long way from home),  When I reached the end of the driveway I looked left, right, I looked across the road and I thought to myself: What do I do now? I prayed that a car with two nice people would stop and pick me up and take me away from where I was. That didn’t happen. I had to accept my defeat and I walked back up the drive way angry. No body knew I had disappeared and I didn’t get the attention I wanted.

  • manipulating a child

Manipulation can be so subtle. I recall a time when my mom had found out about another affair that my ex stepfather had. He turned up from work with a puppy for me. I was over the moon. 

  • never saying anything kind, expressing positive feelings or congratulating a child on successes
  • never showing any emotions in interactions with a child, also known as emotional neglect.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN OLDER CHILDREN

  • use language you wouldn’t expect them to know for their age
  • act in a way or know about things you wouldn’t expect them to know for their age
  • struggle to control their emotions
  • have extreme outbursts
  • seem isolated from their parents
  • lack social skills
  • have few or no friends.

EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE

BEHAVIOUR PROBLEMS

  • wanting attention or becoming clingy

I never wanted to leave my moms side. I refused to go to school. I would have tantrums and do anything to be heard.

  •    not caring how they act or what happens to them

I became a child who started walking home from school on my own from 5/6 years old. I remember a group of older boys pushing me about and touching my breasts and vagina. 

  • trying to make people dislike them

I didn’t feel very likeable or good about myself so I pushed people away from me. I didn’t feel Could trust people and even today I will show people the worst parts of me to protect myself.

  • developing risky behaviour, like stealing, bullying or running away.

The first time I stole anything was a 5 rand note from my mom so I could buy myself and people in my class sweets at the tuck shop. My ex step father refused to allow me to eat sweets because I was too ‘chubby’. I ran away from home many times as a teenager to get away from my mom when I was a teenager and my Nan and my Dad who refused to acknowledge me. I didn’t want my family to dictate to me. I didn’t want them to tell me they knew what was best for me. I wanted to escape and drugs and being around strange men seemed like the right answer.

EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT PROBLEMS

  • feeling, expressing and controlling emotions
  • lacking confidence or causing anger problems
  • finding it difficult to make and maintain healthy relationships later in life
  • higher levels of depression and health problems as adults compared to those who experienced other types of child abuse.

MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS

I went on to develop serious mental health issues. I developed social anxiety from a young age.  My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old

  • eating disorders

I became obsessed with my weight. I couldn’t deal with my weight issues and I started taking diet tablets at the age of 15 years old. I abused cocaine and mandrax and ecstasy -any drug to stop me from thinking about food. I used to demand my mother take me to doctors to prescribe diet pills for me even though I was thin. I had huge problems and I eventually developed Chromic anorexia. I was sectioned twice in the U.K.   In 2007 I develop Bradycardia. My BMI was 14. My weight was 39 kilograms. I wanted to die. 

I don’t know why I felt the need to cut my legs in my Nan’s kitchen when I was 12/13. I didn’t know how else to express myself. When I lost my virginity to a guy who had left his ex and promised to date me and be with me. The next night his ex, myself and him herein his car and he chose his ex over me. I flipped. I couldn’t deal with the pain, the headache and I cut myself with a bottle neck and became uncontrollable. 

  • language development
  • problems forming healthy relationships.

If you want to help some one who is being abused in all its forms or to help some one who is self harming. 

SELF HARM RESOURCES

Noah’ s plight

Is mortal love the true sin of the man opposed to the laudable man blinded by a paradise of perfection?

We walk with no blood on our hands

Though we walk with bare feet over those corpses of our ancestors.

The biblical story of Noah is the parable of the modern day humanitarian plight.

We will return to the second day of creation fighting with sticks and stones

As prophesized by another mere mortal

As prophesized by another mere mortal sapian in well versed archaic rhetoric…

Musings of today

The colony

My faith was tested by the colony

The cross bore into my chest like multiple sessions of ECGS

I thought I had forgotten what it was to feel like an honest me!

The strength of survival of the fittest

Compelled hope to flee

Or save me

My choice

Brainwashed for a profit

A racquet

Insidious to true inequality

I’m here

I’m an insurgent

Indulgently

Indignant to all the two faced flags

Denying

denoting

Independent thought

For the books to be written

of/

Off

philosophy

Clouded the dogma that corrupts those who believe in their infallibility

Water – a drop

A drop.

A drop.

A drop

Do not judge me

For my sapling survival

a birth of a scape goat to inscribe the words of a free spirit

With no country

I claim as my own

I am who I choose as my identity

Borderless

No government

No political movement can discriminate against my spirit

For I denounce those who cannot see the truth

In front of them

even when they kneel

Before nature

The only divine death

With nothing to face.

Sincerely,

The unknown scripture of abandonment sans fear

Buckets & spades

Sometimes life seems like all buckets and spades

And pensioners in rain jackets.

Until you look up

Dazzled by a spectrum that makes up your rainbow.

These are my words part 10

I am daisy

Daughter of Rose

Who needs love, loyalty, laughter

Who loves music, silence, decadence

Who sees lonely people, people better off, empty glasses once full of hope

Who hates curves on herself, being misunderstood, bad odour

Who fears abandonment, rejection, gossips too

Who dreams of career growth, success, beauty to blossom from within

Who has found forgotten poems, memory gaps, words unable to recognise as her own

Resident of no fixed abode

Willows

Toxic positivity culture

Most of us are aware that suicide attempts are on the rise at an explosive rate.

We all don’t want to see or hear someone who thinks the only way out of life is taking their own life.

We are told to talk about our feelings. Get it all out & call for a chat if we need anything.

People have to get on with their lives.

What if the help they are advised to seek out isn’t there or doesn’t help?

What about our ethical stance or views about people who want to end their lives?

Can we become open to challenging our views and reasons for helping people without being able to have a lasting impact on those people who still have to live with the aftermath of wanting to die?

Of course ,we are humans with complex emotions & at times deep compassion & empathy. We want to help or fix other people.

How do you feel about

Someone with a degenerative disease such as MS who has lost her soulmate & wants to end Life?

Or a man with a family to protect who is struggling financially & can’t see a way out either through shame or pride to seek out help or because they refuse to live in poverty so takes his life so his family can live on his Life insurance?

What can you do to make a positive long lasting change in their mind set or circumstances?

Does it soothe our conscience

We can admonish we have done the right thing

Acts of Altruism?

What about a teenager with body issues, relationship problems, a person.

Who sees no way out?

What if the places we signpost him to get help can’t or doesn’t help?

Well.. at least we tried to be a good person..

Instinctively we feel that it would be wrong to not want to help.

We live in a society where we are bound by outdated traditions, people who believe rhat by giving a person a poster can guide a person to change their perspective .

I believe the quality of life should matter more than the quantity.

I also believe that a teenager or a man in serious debt may be able to find guidance and be able to deal with the desire to die.

When it comes to illnesses I watched my own grandmother become an entity merely existing because that is what. society says we should do. Keep her alive.

Keep people alive even if that life is in a care home, unable to speak, move.

We don’t have enough resources to help people in state care homes to signpost these people to places where they can have a chance to rethink how they can live with a sense of purpose.

I’ve seen people I love live on a “leash” tied to life for what? other peoples peace of mind?

If we can’t get the resources to help people see a way out must they suffer their entire mortal life in mental anguish & physical torture?

What gives life meaning?

Purpose?

Finding a way to grow, achieve happiness – evolve as we have been designed to as humans?

We were born to live in our physical bodies and create a life worth living. To be able to say at the end of our lives that we died knowing for what purpose we had lived.

Daedelus

My first introduction to Daedelus (Alfred Darlington)was this track- I was mesmerised by the scattered, schismatic  bassline .This is track reinvented  my idea of  the soul element in music . Up until today, I had no idea how many albums/projects and collaborations Daedalus has done.

I didn’t know much about Daedelus. Last year  I came across an interview conducted by power duo/husband and wife  -(two artists I rate)
DComplex aka Daniel Chavez aka DComplexity
& Mondaine aka Lorena Chavez

FUSION [DIGITAL INFINITI] interviewed Daedelus in 2019 before his latest album release ‘the wand won’t break’.

Their interview gives more insight into  the Daedelus’ inspirations & his views on Juke and footwork movement. A style of music Mondaine, Fusion Digital Infiniti embrace

Breaking down the barriers of language,
location, tempos, genres;
through the Infinite Vibes of
technology, music and dance.
Endless gratitude goes out to all of the
music lovers, artists and supporters of:
Fusion Digital Infiniti

SOUNCLOUD

The wands won’t break ‘ tracks are short & the album seems to be made up of interludes. He has taken inspiration from the (deceased) Ras G. Daedelus’ album is a triumph.

‘The wand is not broken’ solidifies Daedulus as a  true disciple of Ras G sharing an audacious creative vision to push the boundaries of sound.

The results of these disjointed  soundbytes interweave  creating another layer merging into a soundscape of critical cosmological proportions

Ras G – RAS G AND AFRO FUTURISM  ARTICLE.

 

Afro Futurism & Ras G

‘Dub -verb, to make space – COLDCUT A-Z

Remember this track?

When I first heard and watched this video I knew I had come across something cosmic. Something bigger & more striking to any other the song or video I can recall watching at that time. I loved the colours  & surreal animation.

This was my first introduction to  Afro-Futurism music- the black man’s perspective of science in the future.

Listen up! Lose one sense to finely tune another sense. Time to rely on imagination & see what visuals come up. It’s strange how certain sounds can bring up emotions to identify. I find it harder to identify emotions without a visual. Another post for another time.

This was on my first introduction to Ras G & the Afrikan space program.

I was intrigued by Africa’s space program. Do they have one?

Yes, they do.

More than I thought

South Africa & Nigeria are the few countries who have an actual Afronaut.  Yes,  there are afronauts.

Edward Makuka Nkoloso Initiated a space program involving a lady and two cats travelling to the moon

Sadly, he did not raise the £7 million to achieve his dream.

I have a dream – Martin Luther King.

Not even  Martin’s homies believed that they would ever have a civil right to be a black human being.

Dreams are only goals with no structure.

Knowledge and education and an open mind led to a group of thoughts to come together, united by challenging their beliefs about who they were & what they wanted. THINK TANK often turns into a WAR TANK

We don’t look agree with slavery, do we?

Slaves accepted that they couldn’t achieve what was not even a dream.

Add in a spark of hope and Edwards space program involving sending

two cats to Mars shows me- a man using the tools he has. Logistics are subject to change.

I definitely recommend checking out his Back on the planet album too. (2009)

Though to be honest, I didn’t warm to the entire album initially. I had to get in the zone ( haha!)

I had an invitation to textural soundscapes that put me out of my comfort zone.  Change?  Never!

Open your ears 

open your mind philosophy 

Let’s take a trip somewhere

 You are not in control.

This thought-

Instructions: Just, let go

Led me to listen again & again.

I  admire Ras G’s execution of pushing the boundaries of the sound of all his cultural roots.

The Cosmic vocal samples maintain the essence of Soul & Hip-hop. He creates extraterrestrial sounds revelling in traditional Dub & reggae.

I feel this album is a triumph in not defining itself anything than an exploration of the space between what we hear & what I believe

It is a musical philosophy.  The core idea demonstrates the scattering soundscape of the global communities of Africa.

Ras G adapts the essence of ‘ never forgetting to understand our roots & to grow, breathe new life into old traditions.

Invent new traditions.  Be playful.

I think to the know the future you need to know where you come from.
To have self-identity  -exploration evolves from the seed of History.

Science creates miracles & monsters created by man. People over the history of our lifetime have done atrocious acts in the name of Acquisition of power & wealth. The cost is humanity.

The cost is a barren crop.

Nurture Life
Mother nature

This album is or dedication to the Afro-futurism genre.

“The womb is The Stargate of Humanity,” he says. “Stargate Music is a record that I livicated to the Womb-man … to the Vagina, The Stargate from which beings emanate life on this planet. I gathered these sound pieces and presented them as a reflection of the life cycle of beings on this planet.”
RAS G AND THE AFRIKAN SPACE PROGRAM ‎– BACK ON THE PLANET (2017

Ras G is an abstract thinker. I’m closer to understanding what he is doing with music- genres & sub-genres. I’m surprised & impressed.  I suggest listening to this album & getting a new perspective.

What’s the worst that can happen?
You don’t like it?
You find out something new about life?
Or yourself?

Los Angeles based music producer Ras G ( Gregory shorter Junior) & the African space program passed away on 06/08/2109. The is a cause of death is not fully know

He travelled in his mind & I had an invite. Stream of consciousness is my preferred style of travelling.

What is afro-futurism in music culture?

Afrofuturism: reimagining science and the future from a black perspective. … In the way that film noir functions as a genre, or jazz as a musical style, Afrofuturism are a philosophy that can be simultaneously obvious and vague in its identity, bounded and porous in its edges.

The Guardian

Once I started researching into Ras G & Afro-Futurism I’m immersed in researching it outside of music too.

An intriguing article to read is CULTURE: Afrofuturism reimagining science & the future from a black perspective

A few well-known Afrofuturism artists are

I love this statement below because life is colourful -Black & White shades, not hues.

Music can make you engage & think.

Afro-futurism is evidently more than a style or genre of music it is an ideology. It has been noted that Afro-futurism dismissed and challenged the idea that all things futuristic are white or even black.

The album is abstract & challenging without being overly nostalgic.
There are often many moments when the soundscape or rhythm propels my emotions to flit between the past & the future. The journey is Marvel -esque.

Black Panther!