How many times can a heartbreak?
I don’t know how this post is going to take form. Well, it will be in a word press post form, I don’ know what the hell I’m going to put down or how it is going to end. All I know is that after having a conversation with a close friend of mine. I am left feeling crushed like I’ve spiralled, fallen- down a long dark hole of wretchedness. I should have been there for this person, so she could talk and unburden her darkest thoughts, instead of sitting in silence for a long time. Someone so close to me has been living in anguished silence for so long. I’ve documented in previous posts of my experiences with living in a brutal and disturbing relationship. I guess, it is easier for me to write about what happened to me because I can detach myself from the experiences .
NO,this may not be a good way of dealing with abuse but at least I am still writing and talking about it.
This person is my most cherished friend . I feel I have failed to be a good enough friend. I have know this person for over 20 years. She has the most tender-hearted nature, a charitable heart. She is strikingly beautiful. Heads turn. Looking into her eyes is like looking into a Caribbean ocean. The colour is startlingly beautiful . It’s comfortingly hypnotizing . In many ways she has always reminded me of the late princes Diana, she has the same grace and class, and is not even aware of how alluring she is.
We went for a coffee today and when I walked out of that coffee shop and said good bye- it felt like I was stumbling about in some ghastly trance. It was like I had floated up into the air like a bubble; I was looking down at myself -I could see myself walking -in a dwell. Each breathe I managed to gulp down was molested with the vision and words I had heard, come out of my friends mouth. I couldn’t hear the cars nor people’s murmurs. I went shopping and bought things in an attempt to prick this possessive bubble that had learned how to become impenetrable. I dumped a bunch of items in my trolley. I needed to distract the haunting picture of pain on my friends face. Frozen- a click , a flash. A picture captured for all eternity. I had to eradicate it- censor it form my mind.
Abuse as you may or may not know is not going to just go away – I’m not going to stop writing about it and talking about it. When a friend you think you know inside out, confides in you, then you suddenly realise what this person has felt like. Feeling isolated so much that she felt had no one else to talk to because she felt ashamed. Her mind has tormented her for years..
Here is a part of her story:
She met a man over 12 years ago. In a night club. He was the type to wear a thick gold chain and a leather jacket. Not her type at all. He said he was Italian. He spoke the language of love – He zoned in on my friend – he had my friend marked. I saw him approach her. He bought her a drink. I immediately loathed this pervert. I pushed my self through the crowd of dancers went straight up to them and I knocked the glass from his hand. I tried to get my friend away from him. I can’t control everything can I ? they swapped numbers.
They started going out. For 10 years their relationship consisted of seeing one another 1 night a week. My friend was completely possessed by him . He showered her with affectionate words. She felt like a woman again. Maybe just maybe this man was going to turn out different than her previous mis-creations. She would cook him meals and set the table – buy him slippers and a change of clothes and toiletries. She treat him like a king. A super star. No, a super hero.
Yes he was a king, a fake king hiding under the robes, would in time reveal a savage.
Let me try and get on with this post….
Um….a few months into the ‘relationship’, she found out that he had lied about his name and nationality. He was from some Arab country and was in fact a ‘faithful’ devout Muslim. That was cool. There is nothing wrong with two cultures mixing together. In fact there is a feeling of peace in this synthesis of different cultures coming together -bound by love .
Over a period of 10 years they kept on making up and breaking up. Every time my friend said she would not get back with him.
One time she slept over at his house and his ex wife came was getting out the car with balloons in her hand(it was valentines day or his birthday). She saw him with my friend and told the bastard they needed to talk. The taxi pulled up at that moment and he ushered my friend into the car as quickly as possible- turns out his ex- wife was ‘crazy’ about him and wouldn’t leave him alone. Come on, he reasoned with my friend,she was fat and ugly. Not refined like my friend. He only used his ex to gain access to work in the U.K.
My friend took him back.
A few years passed and my friend wanted to move things forwards in the relationship. She wanted him to move in with her or her to move in with him. He refused -time and time and time after time. She was enamoured with him. She would do anything to keep him and if that meant only seeing him one night a week then she agreed to it. He never ever took her out. He never introduced her to his friends. Why? they were dodgy and he was jealous, they might try something on her.
She accepted this.
My friend has an eating disorder like me . The bastard suddenly told her her body was horrible and he hated touching her. He hated thin women she needed fattening up. All she wanted was to be loved and accepted and so she grew bigger and bigger. This messed with her mind so much.Her confidence was solely in custody of this man. He played her like a puppet.
She accepted this
He would go off the radar frequently. He never text or rang my friend unless he wanted something sexual from her. Then it was all words of armour and flattery. What woman doesn’t want to be complimented? He never helped her clean the dishes or bought her a meal. He would go back to his native home and bring back the odd false perfume. He never once offered to take my friend on holiday with him, to meet his family. Many of whom he has burnt his bridges with. She was not to know this until it was too late to save her heart and mind from a torturous misery.
She accepted this.
On one of their ‘bust ups’ he decided to try it on with my friends nemesis. He wanted to take her out. My friend found the news out from her Nemesis. The shame, the degradation. She fell further down that never ending abyss of wretchedness. Banished her to a never ending hell of lies and mind fucks. He wouldn’t answer her phone calls , texts, he punished her. He went off the radar for a few months. My friend became obsessed, she would ring him all the time. But all she got was silence. Until one day he got in contact with her and the relationship was back on.
One unfortunate day , he rang her – She was over the moon to hear his voice. He had something to tell her.
What could this news be?
He wanted too marry her?
Move in with her?
He had a surprise for her?
Oh hell yeah, he had a surprise for her:
He was getting married to a young girl who was pregnant with his child, he hoped that they can still maintain their one night a week ‘relationship!
How many times can a heart be broken? how many times can it be mended?
She accepted this betrayal but she refused to see him. She would not. She was not some whore! An after thought. After the phone call ended she sank to her knees heaving -sobbing. She was on the floor desperately trying to collect all the shattered fragments of her heart. A few months later she saw him once again, in town, for a coffee. He wanted her to meet his baby. She bought the baby some outfits. This is the type of person she is, gracious and forgiving.
She accepted this.
To be perfectly honest, they must have broken up 100’s of times. My friend always promising she wouldn’t take him back. We used to have vicious arguments .
She said she was in love.
I said she had bad taste in men and needed to get help.
She got pissed off with me. It wasn’t as bad as she had made out, she would reply.
She had over exaggerated things.
You mean like the time he told her to lower her eyes to him when she was speaking to him and then laughed and said he was joking?
He knew she was vulnerable that is why this serpentine creature chose her. She was easy to control. He knew a lot of things about their relationship that my friend didn’t know. He didn’t exactly share this insight of their relationship with her, but it went something like this:
He knew he could abandon her and she would always take him back
He would deprive her of contact and she would always take him back
He would humiliate her by trying to flirt with her friends and enemies- even me!
He controlled her by making her put on an extraordinary amount of weight, in full knowledge, her confidence would be at base level. A woman with no confidence couldn’t possibly be attractive a man ( this was probably his warped strategy )
He knew my friend was an introvert and it was so easy to isolate her. He didn’t have to do a thing -she already had done the hard work for him.
He always took from her. If he had asked her for her the shirt on her back, he knew she would give it to him. Every week, for one night, my friend made her home cosy, turned down the lights -low,to give off a soft romantic glow. She would cook for him , serve him, rub his feet and then make him a packed lunch to got to work. She spent a lot of money on him that I suspect she didn’t have.
He never once asked my friend about any issues she had and how could support her. My friend took a massive overdose,one year, I thought she had finally succeeded this time. Her Mother was still alive at the time. He came to the hospital with a kitten stuffed toy with blue eyes, just like the colour of my friend’s eyes. He acted so concerned. Since my friends mother passed away – the money well has dried up and he lost interest again.
I had to stop writing last night. I couldn’t go any further with what I was putting down in this post. I don’t want to betray my friend, no body will know who this friend is. I’m speaking up for her because she is unable to speak for herself. To tell her story. She needs a lot of support and confidence building. Care and possibly counselling.
There is probably a bunch of stuff I don’t know. I do know that what came out of my friends mouth yesterday- blanched me. I must of walked out of that coffee shop, my hands immediately felt icily cold, I had forgotten my gloves.. I was trying to fight my way through the fog in my mind . I had become numb.
This is what my quiet friend told me:
After two years of not seeing this ‘man’. She moved to a new home to start afresh, he got in contact with her a few months ago.. He said all the right things.
You are beautiful
I will divorce my wife from you
I should have never split up from you…