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Spindrift Nouveau depart

A true union of hearts was joined one summer in late June.

The birds chirruped, the sun shone – the two became one -reflected for all to see by La Luna- the moon
Air and Water – shouldn’t cross paths.
These two elements casually ignore each other in nature’s form-its innate core.
He of Air –
She of Water.

The energy that caused the spindrift was something not even these elements could ignore.

Le Mistral caught up in a steamy, heady mood.
Strode across the sky scowling, blowing curses – chaos surely ensued .

La Mer
– she was winding down for the day.

The tide had come in, and she was ready to listen to a mermaid wax lyrical her classic tale of Babe Ruth.

The wind so vexed was he – he deafened her with one strike of his herculean hair -clouded by his inability to self- soothe.

La Mer reacted in bad form. He struck her so hard, – her mind swelled up with great licks of waves – crashing and thrashing her mental whereabouts.

Never interrupt an element so passionate about listening to her favorite composer.

Le Mistral and La Mer could ignore one another no more. She would make him feel the repercussions of his foolish, senseless,not-so-well thought out Strop.

Now he would have to face his conjurer.
A tidal wave of thoughts arose inside her.

He would pay dearly for interrupting her meditative state of mind.

He had no clue what feud he had started.

Fire and Earth were shrewd not to intervene. They knew when to stay out of the way of a combination of this kind.

They witnessed how the passion of this great unforeseen union came to be.

The product of this affront was simply not even what the conflicted two could continue to deplore.

Witnessed by two friends .
Wind and Water created the very first image of love .

Spindrift -a physical feeling of exhilaration consolidated the two .
They were now ready for a new adventure – together -ready to explore each other, become the couple -who looked to the other with eyes that said ‘j’t‘adore.’

Definitions for spindrift
spray swept by a violent wind along the surface of the sea.

( written two months after I got married to my husband – Gaz. He is as Mercurial as Air and I more of a deep waters run still lass. Air & water are two elements that ignore each other. I used to read up all my family, friends, and boyfriends astrology signs when i was younger. I used to read the Aquarius sign and think that is the kind of man I want to be with . Trust us to be incompatible according to our zodiac). 😀 then I went to marry an Aquarius man & it turns out he is my soul mate. Nouveau depart)

Heart blush

Words … my brain hasn’t the capacity to express what you have done to make me feel whole.

You love me blindly – kiss me fiercely. Tender hands – your love never dims or folds.

Oh, sorrow. so may sorrows I have bestowed upon thee.

and yet, you still sought to find me.

I never knew I would ever feel…

love

Grow.

It’s a backdraft of silver outlined in glow.

Words, fail to express – it all comes across as sans-esque

I look at the man you have become. I see you through the eyes of clarity.

Rose tinted glasses were never my thing. Maybe other boys looked better in blushed gallows – less grim.

I know you, I love you. I respect you. I suspect me. 

Is is because I gave you such a hard time? 

Or is there truly one soul mate for us in this endoscopic world in mime?

How can this feel so right yet so wrong?

Cognitive dissonance – never felt so omnipotent and strong.

I love you. I am in love with you. Thank you for never letting me go.

These words falter…

..my hands move to type in  slow.

Hesitant, all I want you to know is….

… I know. 

I know.

 I’m shouting stars of praise across the Pleiades milky way. 

You are the man who will give our daughters away.

You are the man who will help set our sons on the right path.

If they become half the man you are – then songs will rip out of my heart.

I didn’t expect any of this.

I pushed and I pulled and indeed I still impulsively resist.

Two stubborn pairs – what a conjuring affair.

If I lose you, my love – indeed I don’t think I will make it to despair.

Whatever happens,

wherever our paths go.

Know – without you being a part of my cosmic. Darling, I would not have had a capacity to show I can grow.

*For my husband, this is really hard to publish, my husband knows me well. I am complex, sarcastic, loving and bloody awkward. It’s about time I expose my feelings for him. It’s such a lame poem -I haven’t done this man justice, I’m cringing in my sappiness. I don’t express love well in words  *

Two hearts. One soul.

“If you are going to re visit the past make sure you don’t have any expectations. This is the best armour you can possibly have to protect you from disappointment. If you get something good from revisiting the past -it will be a surprise and a blessing” DAISY

I’ve learnt that time is indeed a great healer.

I believe that as long as my intentions are good and come from a good place then I don’t need no particular faith or religion in my life to direct me.

I know inside -already what is right and wrong. I was born with a certain code of ethics and life and the people in my life have helped shape and mould my beliefs and values.

I have got to a point where I am happy with my values and beliefs.

This morning I learnt a valuable lesson.

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We are not born evil.

We my do horrific things to each other in our relationships but relationships require hard work , commitment, compromise and respect and trust.

Love does feature and there is a saying that ‘love conquers all’.

I feel this quote can  only to be true when we know what true love means and what true love asks of us.

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Sometimes we say we love someone, for fear of being alone or because we are scared of not having some kind of attention.

 I am so blessed today as every day.

Especially today.

I have a beautiful family and we are all going to be able to take on the same name- the traditional way.

I will still be Willows on here but I will be Mrs Willows and our daughter and me will take on G’s name in the real world.

Today I received some fantastic news about this whole changing of names.

Thank you for not fighting me.

The past is the past.

We are never who we were 5 years ago, 1 year ago, a day ago or even an hour ago.

I was asleep 1 hour ago- not ready for today.

I am now Blogging and getting ready for what I need to get done today.

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We can be so ugly to one another when we are hurt, confused, insecure and not stable or thinking straight.

I’m so  blessed and grateful I have found my soul mate. We have an amazing child.

In 6 days time I  will let go of the name I have had for 34 years and take on a new name.

I’m so excited about this new chapter.

Sometimes we have to die a bit so that we can be re born.

It’s painful to let go and die..

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I’m ready to take my first breathe in my new life.

I know it is going to be worth it.

Don’t be afraid of endings.

Be excited that an ending usually means a beginning.

Such is the nature of life.

Like a circle we will constantly go through our ups and downs. We will be at the top of the circle sometimes and at other times at the bottom.

We need this balance .

I  needed  to feel hurt in order to know true love.

Blessings do indeed come in a variety of disguises.

 

We-Me and G- have been through so much and I still feel the same way I do about him that I did the first time I met him.

Oh he is a pain in the ass at times, stubborn and well… stubborn..

He respects me more than any other man I have been with.

Trusts me – we don’t have secrets even the worst kind .

He isn’t perfect but who is?

These are my words for today.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

Days go by and merge into one long never-ending Groundhog day at times. Well, it does for me -every now and then.

I create excitement in my life by signing up to do things that I think are going to get me out of the slump. Give my life a wardrobe of scenery changes and with that hopefully comes new feelings.

These feelings are my drug- the euphoria I crave. The rush of blood to the head.  Anything to make me feel worthy.

Be careful what you wish for.

 

 

In all the time I have wished for things to change and things to not stay the same. It is has had good outcomes and bad.

 I guess the crucial question is what is it I have been wishing for that I have created to become my reality. 

What about relationships?

We can all get into “are we doing enough” in our relationships?

Are we living life together and truly going for it?

Be Careful what you wish for.

Sometimes it is okay for things to stay the same.

 

What am I going on about?

Say someone you care about has an appointment for an eye test or a medical review.

You then get a phone call saying that person has to go to hospital to get another opinion on their health status.

Why didn’t this person tell me things could get so serious?  

I’m in shock. I don’t react.

This second opinion then turns into a third opinion.

No more mundane sameness. I have got my wish.

Am I prepared?

To do surgery or not?  This is two people I know and love now, one is definitely   having invasive surgery on Thursday and the other person  is to find out if they should have surgery.

You can’t buy health.

You can try…..

 When your health is steady and away -this is a good time to not wish that there was more going on in your life.

I would rather live the rest of my days partying hardly if it meant the health of the ones I adore didn’t go from not something to worry about, to

fuck what am I going to do if I lose you mode.

Accept that whatever/whomever you have in life  is a blessing.

So what if you don’t have a model’s clothing wardrobe , a TV. the size of an over-inflated sponge bob character?

So what if you don’t get a loads of  likes on your posts, status updates and profile pictures?

 

Yes, all of these things can give you that high we crave. The one that gets our heart beating like a wooden drum.

Success after hard work or not is an exhilarating feeling.

Personally, I just don’t think it would keep my happiness momentum going say, for as long as I had the people around me- well and in my life.

I too want to better myself and have everything better .Sometimes it’s alright if something is serving its purpose and is good enough.

I don’t believe we are put into the world to seek validation from others.

 Though I can’t tell you how many times and years I have wasted seeking it.

There is so much that is superficial – nobody knows what is real.

I watched a  documentary on the fashion industry last week. Watch the TRAILER if you can.  Us ladies and now men strive to achieve to fit into clothes made to look good on a  13/14 or 15 year old child. 

 

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POTENTIAL NEXT BIG SUPER-MODEL !
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NADJA -SAME GIRL AS ABOVE. WE STRIVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS

The targets are the coy lolita looking ones that , say a  girl  out of Siberia -living in a world of poverty at the back end of a communist regime era , with  the promise of earning loads of money and travelling the world off the back of their one playing card- their looks. 

There are children going over  to Asia or the West and can’t speak English and are children and get exploited. There is no glossing over it.

These girls start going to modelling schools as young as 5 years old learning to manipulate the camera –

Make love to it !

 

Isn’t it crazy that most of us humans in this world are  brainwashed into having sick minds?

Isn’t there enough disease and suffering for the taking?

 

We get older and still strive to dress in provocative clothes that  can only look good on a 13/14-year-old model!

That whole sentence is just incongruous.

 

This is the extent to how ill our society is.

How ill we all are.

We get older – fashion can’t survive on yesterdays’ image!

We don’t even have time to get the ‘today’ look off the hanger.

The fashion world and society won’t let us enjoy a moment that extends further than a sales transaction and a bag of goodies ,that mainly ends up as close to your body as,  that sinister lampshade you inherited from some distant relative.

It makes you  shudder every time you pass it or look at it. Epic impulse buy. I buy into it -a lot of us do

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So, we are always chasing the ‘look of tomorrow’,  usually a younger version of some ‘ideal image’ that could easily have found it’s way into the Deity section in the Roman world.

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It is an illusion.

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Our bodies and minds change in our lifetime.  Nature dictates and  so does society.

Often both are in conflict.

We are not meant to be trapped in a peter pan -esque body for the rest of our lives.

I’ve kind of digressed.

Well, I have made it less personal.

This is how the post started-  health and my loved ones as being something personal to me .

I guess I have taken the model industry and society as an example of what our t idea of what healthy and successful is.

 It then becomes something that is hopefully a post we can all relate too.

If it is personal to all of us, maybe we can understand or start to question what is the picture of  true health and success. 

 

What is true happiness?

What is true?

 

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There is no need to go chasing dreams and filling other’s pockets if it is going to make you ill.

Instead of being a small dot in soemone else’s story go and make your own. I’m sure you will get to the end of your story  in a better mental and physical state . HAPPY EVEN!

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Be Careful what you wish for.

 

Daisy sings- the circle of liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife

So as you may or may not know – you should know 😉 I go on about it enough. I’m getting married on 22/06.

Yesterday me and my better half went to have a look at wedding bands. Nothing fussy. There were sales on. We found the most simple ,nondescript looking band and thought that will do. Then seemingly at the same time our eyes veered to the price tag underneath £299.  *SALE* WOW! DON’T MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY.

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The U.K.  have started charging a tax on carrier bags now

We both looked at one another.

Our eye connected. This sounds so romantic .

This is it.

We both looked at the entrance to the jewellers.

Smiles mirroring each others.

We both had the same thoughts.

True soul mates.

We backed away and I may have mumbled something about looking for a ring another day. Today was paying bills day.

I may have said to my better half

” Why don’t we get tattooed rings.”

My other half’s face said it all. How can you be so tacky,Daisy. I shrugged, it was just an idea. He is a bit of a dude- long hair,skater type.

So I kind of imagined this was running through his head

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My other half is from the North of England. The cheaper the better or so I thought.

He was mumbling about how as soon as the word ‘wedding’ was put n front of anything consumable the price triples. He has a point. He is not cheap.

I merely  jest. I jest…… 😀

So, it got me thinking. Why do we need a wedding band any way?

Let’s buck tradition.

Oh no– I get the same look again -this time the thoughts that seem to go thorough his mind  are: Oh Daisy. Do you always have to be so otherwise, so ,so rebellious.  He is already planning on invites to make me conform to how a traditional wife thinks.

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So what does all this ring malarkey mean?

I get the whole ring /circle thing represents something eternal, something un breakable. A bond, a pact.

There must be more to it than just a symbol of our undying love towards one another.

Can’t we just seal the deal with a blood pact? I’m kidding. …

So the research begins and like a ring never ends, so does the shopping… I’m kidding.. .. I do get tired and I do need sleep.

Lets go back to Egypt and walk like an Egyptian for a moment. The brides used to wear a woven plant circle ring on their finger as a sign of I am not going to go off with that rather sexy slave of ours.

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We humans are an indecisive bunch. The ring was worn on the right finger for a time. The Romans  had  to make up their own rules, of course and decide the ring will go on the left finger.

WHY?

What Have-

Do they need a reason?

It is actually quite romantic:

According to  a tradition believed to have been derived from the Romans, the wedding ring is worn on the left hand ring finger because there was thought to be a vein in the finger, referred to as the ‘Vena Amoris’ or the ‘Vein of Love’ said to be directly connected to the heart.

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/09/the-origin-of-wedding-rings-and-why-theyre-worn-on-the-4th-finger-of-the-left-hand/

Before you start swooning ladies they also were the first people to use iron to make a ring.

Not because it would last longer but it was a sign that women were owned. A bit like a mini dog chain.

Here’s me thinking the Romans redeemed themselves.

Another more reserved and practical reason for wearing the ring on the left hand and fourth finger comes from the Christians. Not a bone of romanticism in this reason:

Most people are right handed,and it was seen as the finger that would do the least amount of work.

*DISCRIMINATION ALERT* . (I take offence to that, I am a lefty) I think the fourth finger would like to point out he does as much work as the others….

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Interestingly, in many countries, even today, including Norway, Russia, Greece, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Poland, Austria, Germany,Portugal and Spain, the wedding ring in worn on the ring finger of the right hand and not the left

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/09/the-origin-of-wedding-rings-and-why-theyre-worn-on-the-4th-finger-of-the-left-hand/

So, do we even need a ring. Can’t our vows be enough?

I suspect I’m going to lose this argument. I even got shot down with another look of disgust mixed with pity, when I mentioned Haribo rings!

And so the search  ring band shopping continues………..  forever and ever and ever and ever. There seems to be no end to this  search…

Happy Easter!

*DISCLAIMER. I DO NOT TAKE ANY CREDIT FOR THESE IMAGES OR GIFS.ALL IMAGES AND GIFS SOURCED FROM GOOGLE  IMAGES AND THE CREDIT LIES TO THE AUTHOR OF THESES IMAGES AND GIFS

Symbol of Love: the Deer

Once upon a time ( keeping in with the theme of love and in the hope that ‘Disney love’ can exist) people believed that painful symptoms of love were an actual physical and mental illness. I suppose that may be where the saying ‘She/he died of a broken heart’ came from.

In medieval times the images of a deer struck with an arrow through the heart, carrying herbs in its mouth was seen as an emblem of lovesickness. The deer is seen as being a symbol with healing powers. People thought that they ate food with medicinal herbs.

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The deer (particularly the doe, females) has the capacity for infinite generosity. Their heart rhythms pulse in soft waves of kindness. Match that graciousness by offering your trust to her. She will reward you by leading you to the most powerful spiritual medicine you can fathom.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-deer.html

 

What does this say about the animation ‘Bambi’? Hate or fear of pure love terrifies and tortures the mind of the common man/woman. Why are we so afraid of something as fragile and innocent and graceful as love?

Perhaps it is because heartache taints the heart when broken.

Yet, how can love  ever be tainted? Sorry I know this is a bit early in the morning to start getting philosophical ( 6 a.m.)

When I  found my soul mate – I didn’t think he was my soul mate. I was telling the guy who did my tattoo yesterday of how I met my hubby -to-be-.  Way back in 2009. I was on a night out and walked into a local pub and was struck by what I saw in front of my eyes. The most beautiful demi-God humbly making drinks for customers. He was so far from my reach. I had to get closer but even then I shook off that initial gut reaction, I knew no matter how close I got to him, I would never reach him. He had long dark hair and funnily enough big soft brown Bambi like eyes with the longest lashes I have ever seen on a man. It looked like someone had stopped by and with an expert stroke of a brush painted the darkest and longest eyelashes I had ever seen on a man. Us, ladies pay to get extensions for this kind of lashes. I did everything I could to get him to pay me attention. I LOST ..

or did I?

 

The ‘Disney love tale’ version is  3 years later I walked into my friends living room and there was my deer-  pure and serene- just chilling on the sofa. I forgot how to breathe. I felt impure. I felt hateful.

(The deer) It is often a sign not to be too hard on yourself. Still the voice of the self critic and treat yourself with gentleness and understanding, be yourself and continue along your path. Seek out your inner treasures and use them generously to help those around you. Trust that kindness and graciousness will be well received.

http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-deer.html

I was going to frighten him off like the proverbial ‘skittish dear’. This was a curse from Eros I thought.

That imp! With his silly games of the heart.

To fall in love with one and to not have that love reciprocated.

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THE ORIGINAL GANGSTER OF LOVE

We are also reminded that we cannot push towards change in others, rather we gently nudge them in the right direction with love and understanding. Lead by doing and showing the way.

 True Love cannot be pushed and forced.

Deer is a messenger of serenity, can see between shadows and hear what isn’t being said.

Deer teaches us to maintain our innocence and gentleness so we can share our open-heartedness with others.

As you know or may not know. All my fears were a bunch of bullshit and we are getting married in June 2016!

So fairy tales do happen – but there is a lot more hard work involved going on behind the scenes than a simple magic glass slipper, a kiss of life and the rest. Love needs nurture, to be fed and to be cultivated. It needs a pure heart and transparency.

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 (all images sourced from google images)

 

 

35 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY MAN

Here is something I don’t do often – praise my man.

35 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY MAN

  1. He gives me lots of cuddles and I love you’s during the day

  2. He does the washing, dishes and makes the meals in our home

  3. He forgives me when I have been a total bitch

  4. He laughs at things I say and tells me I ought to give myself more credit for being witty

  5. He trusts me  even when I find it hard to trust myself

  6. He likes routine just like me and order. 

  7. he is such a big kid and does the school run with our daughter, come rain,  sunshine, or snow,

  8. He helps anyone and I mean anyone if he can

  9. he  is in love with my soul

  10. everyday he compliments me of my fashion style and how my make up looks

  11. He put up with my cat Tatiana,who I have had since 2008, (four years before we met ) pissing in the lounge for nearly a year. He cried with frustration because he told me he really loves Tatiana but he couldn’t understand why she suddenly started pissing everywhere ( we have worked things out and Tatiana is less jealous of our daughter these days and goes and does her biz in the box)

  12. He won’t have a bad word said about my butt

  13. He is a family man and not a man that goes out drinking with his mates until all hours. He enjoys doing family things

  14. He is patient with my Eating Disorder and doesn’t make me feel like a freak

  15. In the 5 years we have been together he has never let me down not once

  16. He has brought out all the good traits in me – even the ones  I thought I never had

  17. I don’t feel the need to overdose take drugs or drink with him in my life

  18. He will sit with me at the hairdressers and when I get my nails done.

  19. He can be silly just like me and we laugh in hysterics at times – like best friends.

  20. He lets me do what I want to do: start a business (that failed), volunteer a lot of my time to mental health charities, he encourages me to write and respects my need of solitude

  21.  He understands my need to exercise everyday 

  22. He’s rather fit and more than a handful in the bedroom 😉

  23. He is 100% himself. What you see is what you get. He is fit (rather dapper and suave) and doesn’t have a ego. He does have a healthy ego.

  24. He is not the  kind of guy to create drama and go all alpha male if some guy challenges him- that says a lot about his character

  25.  He pushed me to carry on studying and get my BA 

  26. He loved me and accepted me when my daughter was taken away from me and put into care. ( people who know my story will know I have her back fulltime in my life with no social services

  27. He is more intelligent than he lets on but doesn’t patronise me with his knowledge of so many topics – he waits for me to approach certain topics and then I’m blown away by how much he knows on xyz topic

  28. He takes a paper towel and soaks up all the extra water in my vegetables and never cooks with oil. I never needed to ask him. He just did it.

  29.  Sometimes I think about calling him to help me do something and then don’t and all of a sudden he calls me asking me if I called him. That is a bit trippy

  30. He loves jazz

  31. He is as stubborn as me

  32. I have no money and am poor and he still loves me. 

  33. He holds me close when I have panic attacks

  34.  He actually communicates with me.

  35. People say he looks like Jesus – the best thing is we are not religious at all. He could probably get away with murder. He can’t turn water into wine 

I don’t tell him enough how much he means to me but he is a huge part off my world. I can’t wait to be his bride. Happy endings are not perfect like in fairy tales – happy endings are usually a result of a lot if suffering and compromise.  The end may be the end of one book but it is also the start of another ‘once upon a time…..’

 

Self medicate

When it comes to looking after my own mental health; the one thing I have found hard to control is self-medicating.

  • You know -a few drinks mixed with some hardcore benzodiazepine and possibly a smoke of weed -all night and into the morning: is probably not going to do me and my mind and body any good.

I used to self medicate for years. I’ve been mostly stable these past 5 years. Taken my meds as prescribed and trying more holistic ways of coping.

So mindfulness- staying in the moment is a good discipline to practice. CBT -distraction. Finding out what my interests are.

These days I work with mental health charities. I’m trying to make a full-time career from it. It’s amazing what experience and a better state of mental health have done for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not magically cured. On New Years Eve, I met up with a guy I knew would be up for a mad session of partying. Something in me needed to connect. I needed to plug into that buzz I used to get.

Lesson learned for me

Going back to old coping mechanisms to ease my mental health issues is mostly going to end up in tears.

It did.

With me walking home after ‘my friend’ kicked me out of his house saying I was psycho. I can’t remember a lot of the night but I do know that is one heavy accusation coming from someone with his back ground and record.

I don’t usually mind casual use of words like ‘psycho’ and ‘loony’ in certain contexts, although I am mindful when and who I use them with. What did hurt more than anything was him telling me I am a psycho.

These acts of rebellion as I like to call them are few and far between these days. When they do occur I learn the lesson quicker. Go on a downer and then build myself back up within a day or two. I exercise. I do a lot of positive self-talk and I cut ties with the negativity.

I’m pretty chilled and easy to talk to in real life. I am getting married in 6 months to an incredibly supportive man who gets my turbulent acts of rebellion. Of course, they can’t happen too often otherwise the disrespect in our relationship would kind of snip  in two.

It is hard not to self medicate and get on the right medication.  My illness requires tweaking here and there.

The main message I want anyone to take away from this post if any is, that I don’t feel ashamed for having an illness..

I am ashamed of how reckless and out of control I get when I take my mental health for advantage.

It’s 2016. A brand new page. Well, we are four pages into it 🙂

No more parties and highly overrated expectations to waste my money.  and act like a woman with no responsibilities.

As long as do what I can to keep myself on the upper end of the mental health scale,then I know I am doing the best I can.

I could have used other ways to deal with New Year’s Eve but I chose to get ‘crazy’ and relinquish myself and power to my illness.

Mental health issues are hard to gain control of. Sometimes I just live as best as I can. Keep things simple. Keep my life simple. Be a Mum and a sort of responsible person. I have learnt quite a few tools to cope over the past 5 years.

I am more than happy to pass on some tools and ways to cope other than medication. I use a combination. This is my first post so I will go easy.

Get rid of the negative shit in your life. It is so empowering! Once that negative bubble has been popped and you take the first step to the other dark side- lots of cookies, hot chocolate, movies. Simple pleasures. If you take that small step you will start to attract positive people and have positive experiences in your life.

Daisy