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Thoughts about letting go

Okay I might as well get it out now.

20 guests have been invited to our wedding on the 22/06/2016. Invitations were sent out ages ago. Everyone confirmed and then Life happened.

Everyone on the list is not expendable. In our books they are chosen for specific reasons.

Five of the guests -a family – are chosen for being the ones that brought me and my King together.

I don’t know if they will make it (I’ve asked them to tell us on many occasions) because of their current situation. It is a matter of life and death. I understand life happens but this is our wedding and after many phone calls and chats; I don’t think I will be in a  forgiving mood if they don’t make it.

Another couple is literally family. I’ve asked repeatedly over the months if they are sure that their health issues won’t affect them from coming to the wedding.

A lot of mixed signals and I’m dubious.

I’m quite sure that my two bridesmaids will be there considering the money invested in making them feel beautiful on the day. I have not gone all bridezilla on them . The only thing I made clear was I wanted their hair to be flowy and boho – up and down , plaits and not fussy with loads of crap in their hair.

I don’t want to fall out with people I have known for many years and people I will get to know in the years to come; over something that is not life threatening.

Hair – unless it involves losing it should not be a big fucking issue!

I’m starting to doubt my own hair do and thank fuck I am having another trial  soon.

I am quite positive that four of the guests will be there – unless some travesty happens and of course that would not be be their faults.

The final guests I am kind of hoping won’t have any kind of issue on the day- I understand people get sick. I  would always put my friends and families health before my own happiness.

One guest is our daughter. She is coming.

The thing is: Our wedding day is a once in a life time event.

There are many people we wanted to invite but we had to be really strict so we could have our wedding day, and make sure that every guest is catered to  and has the very best we have to offer them ,to thank them for celebrating our day: with us.

I can’t control this. It is bigger than me and I’ve got to the point now where I have to sing ‘ Let it go’ because I’m a fucking first time bride – worrying about making sure everyone else is happy while I don’t get a chance to worry about my own hair, make up, health state etc..

I know I am having a bride to be rant. I didn’t want to post it because it is so…..

so…………….. predicable.

I hate being predictable but I want my guests to be predictable.

Isn’t that a bit of a catch 22 ?

So I’m letting go and will have an epic day in spite of what happens on the day.

I love everyone who is going to be there but there are also a lot of other people I love to pieces who I wanted to be there too.

My mantra up until the wedding is this little gem

Transparent its apparent #Socs


Apparent-ly ,I was not  as prepared for the whole love you in sickness in health bit of our binding vows when we get married in June.

Weeks away from the wedding and I find out a week ago that my husband to be has been going blind in his right eye.


He didn’t bother to casually mention it to me, in the the month that his detached retina ,has got further and further away from his eyeball to the point if he left it any longer; he may  just need a cane. I’m not talking about this kind.


I was full of rage and disappointment.  Sometimes I want to  throw stones at the martyrs in my life.

I DO!  (I  only ever wanted to have to think that on my wedding day? 😀


We joked about the   Stevie Wonder rumours  yesterday and how epic it would be if he actually put a stop to all the rumours of him faking he is blind.



I’m lucky to have a partner that came from parents who use humour to  get on with life’s shake ups. My family do the same.

It sure takes the edge off the reality of the situation.

I just want to put out  on this post how much I rely on my G. He is a diamond – a star.  I know there are those gifts you can buy and name a star after someone you love. This to me screams ‘you being taken for a ride’.


No monetary value can have a hold on the one I love.

The full package. The rarest of them all. The beat to my heart.

I say this all the time about him and my Bella bee – they are what makes my heart go

kerr-  dum  ker- dum ker- dum… not so dirty dancing..



Speaking of dancing . We are not having a first dance.

I think it would be awesome to have one but G is not keen. I’m  not expecting him to bust out some ‘put your back  into it’ moves –

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I’m not going all Missy Elliot on him.


He can if he wants  too……

but in all truth –  I would love to dance to this song with him..


Oh fuck! Shit… ‘THEM THERE EYES !

This is how my mind works?

 I love my man’s eyes…. I’m not taking the piss here.

I am being 100% authentic and real.

I dedicated that song to G when I met him…

I’ve been on a high since the SS  have exited our lives and I went a  bit party hardy but I’ve calmed down since NYE.

Living the quiet life..

 monastic excitement  only.


I find out the news about this surgery he is going to have in two weeks time.

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The surgery seems  pretty straight forward. .

It is what he has to NOT do after the surgery which will predict success or epic failure.

I fucking loathe complaining.


I don’t know who else to talk to .

 Everyone I know comes  to talk to me and I can’t just stop some -one mid sob and go:

” Shut the fuck up . Back the fuck up . I need help .I feel like I  am a shit wife to be. Can I hack this? Do my man proud.?Be a real  woman and put on my big but sexy panties? “

I’m not going to go all renegade master on my G.

I’ll don my sexy ‘SUPER NURSE’  outfit on  and I will get back into the groove of doing ALL  the household chores again. We usually split the chores straight down the middle. No grey areas .

I  jest.I jest..

We do work as a team though. It is what works for us.

I’m not used to some one- like the man I am going to marry- getting ill….

Sex is off limits. I am not lying. Well.. I am lying down  but you have to believe me on this one.

I dunno google it..  Ha ha

I’ve got it good and this kind of shock experience makes me appreciate my G  even more. He does so much for me, hides so much.

He protects me.

He can be a stubborn MOFO most of the time but hell, so can I eye .

Fucking terrible joke.  #SOCS I blame thee




So this is where we are at.

I have to thank my Ma and my Nan because they will be looking after Bella Bee so that makes life a lot easier for me.

I don’t fucking cook….


So, take out it is…..

Or maybe just maybe this experience will bring out the traditional wife who cooks, barefoot,  wild flowing  hair, all tits hanging loose.

Where has my courage gone?

 Here is me Me worrying about stepping up and being counted.

Change is good .

I have to  see this is only going to make me and us stronger.

So as apparent as my initial shock is that I am going to be gobbled up by the world that is my oyster. I may just shock myself and bust out all the moves and  yell:


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Whatever we decide  to say in  our  vows on our wedding day. Anything about health and love and standing by my man will be a FACT and not some mere idea. I can say the same for my G.

He has stuck by me with all my toil boil and troubles.

No matter which!

I just have to trust the process of commitment.


This post wouldn’t be without :

 LINDA G. HILLLife in progress – The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS May 7/16

I will be posting and reading blogs as much as I can after the 19th  May – the day of G’s operation,

My Hen do is  on the 21 st May-

and the stag do after that-

-and then our  epic wedding on the  22nd  June.

I wish I had six heads with 6 pairs of hands   that I could conjure when I wanted .

Oh Genie?

So, I am going to leave you all and have a good old rummage in my mask trunk. I need to find the‘ right faking it till you making it’ mask to don in the next coming weeks.

The show must go on…

Last thing I want to share that always makes me laugh is this


Wedding update (2)

It’s all happening, folks -49 days until I leave my single status behind.

I’m kind of sad. I have a valid reason.

 I’ve had my name for 34 years and  my wild reputation precedes me and all that – Ha ha.

Lots of haters (and lovers) made over the years..

All the crazy shit I did. I own up to it. I don’t want to people to forget what a punk I can be!


Ha ha. just got to shrug these things off.

Seriously,  I am  in two minds about changing my name. First off ,I only just got my French passport renewed in London last year.

My daughter  has my name and well…. things didn’t end up – peachy with the ex.

All I want  is for my Bella Bee not to feel like the odd one out. I won’t take my G’s name if I can’t have Bella’s changed.

G has offered to take mine. I’m like

“are you sure you can handle all the haters?” 

“The crazy labels?”


This is no Haute couture designer label brand I am talking about.

He is going to get stuck with the wild , reckless, push the boundary,break the law, Anorexic, psycho , bipolar, druggie, binge drinker (who tells the birds to shut the fuck up at 4 am in the morning). The bastard child.  The female version of John Snow.

Yeah he will get stuck with that baggage.

I think he likes the idea of looking at the shiny colourful suitcase, as it goes around  and around and around the carousal.

I don’t think he realises  he has to pick up the luggage and take it  home with him!

Oh what have I done to him?


Back to the bastard child..

Ha!  I’m sure somewhere deep down my Dad loves me. People say he is not much of a communicator  . I must be his worst enemy.

I communicate all the time!

I’m always hounding him.

“Dad look check this out . I can jump through hoops -they is high too 

“Hey Dad did you see what I can do with my ears –wiggle wiggle “

“Dad hey ? read thisarticle. Let’s get this relationship on the go . I don’t want to not know you and have you die on me, cos that would suck”








Yeah, people say he is a quiet one. He hasn’t done anything to make me think any different.  😀

So  with my Dad – living all the way in Africa- he won’t be walking me down the aisle.

My Ma will.

We have different surnames so I do know the insecurity and feelings of displacement that comes with not having the same name as my own mother.

I’ve only just recovered from the trauma.

I’m probably going to have at least half another child . If I can bear the thought of getting fat    pregnant again.

My Bella B needs some one closer to her age. I don’t want her to end up like me!

She may look like me but she is nothing like me.

Her personality is so cool.

She is frikking hilarious, beautiful, ,charming.

Everyone loves her.

Today she was went to go and play with some kid at school and the kid said

“I don’t wanna play with you”  

My B – completely dead pan in the face:

“Why not?”

anti social kid,

” Cos I don’t wanna”

B shrugs her shoulders and skips over to the next person. Totally unfazed.

She is awesome.


She went through a ‘Everything is about Cinderella’ moment  not so long back.

One night after I had read the story for 1000000000000000000000000 th time she looked at me with those baby blues and said

“I love your Mommy. I love you with all my heart.” My heart swelled..

“Aaaw I love you with all my heart too baby,”  – I replied.

 Then she says,

“Mommy, I don’t want my heart to break- ever”  that was it . I had got the haagen daz ice cream   and two spoons out,  tears streaming down my face, ready to let her cry over the heart break that may never come.

Where did she learn about hearts breaking ? She is not even 5 years old!

Yeah ,so the wedding dress fit went well.

I just fit into it. I want it taking out. I’ve had the dress since 2014.


I’ve worked my butt off to keep the weight off.

I’m tired sick to death of daily exercise sessions. I want to do other things.

I don’t want to diet.

Finally found the perfect head piece 😀


My mommy should become a wedding planner. You will understand after the wedding. When I put a few pics up. Trust me on this.

I’m having my 3rd make up trial . I loved the whole feline look but I think it needs to be a bit more understated.



Seems like there are quite a few  coming to the hen do. YAY! I am loved .:)

There is a great mixture of personalities and well I can’t wait.

I kind of accidentally bought myself two new pairs of jeans and a pair of shoes today.





Don’t know how it happened.

One minute I’ve got my bus fare ready to get home and the next I am in a clothing boutique (not a wedding themed one) for the first time in like over 4 years.

So now I have an hen do outfit.

Silver linings and all that.

 I’m sure there was some discount on certain items – up to 30% off on some items of clothing which was  a bargain

– for the lady in front of me

-and the one behind me 😀

I’m blaming it on the sun. Sunshine has hit the U.K. and brought in the feverish heat with it.

I’m hormonal , the sun is out.

The receipt accidentally   flew out my hand – it was that little breeze that did it when I made the left turn, passed the fish shop.

Did you know that we now can have the option to have our receipts emailed to us?

How fucking thoughtful.  (heavily laced sarcasm here)

I’m busy researching for our personal vows. We have less than a month to sort out the ceremony bit.

It is looking like there is a good chance my Gran with Vascular Dementia will be able to make the ceremony with her carer. We are going to bling up her wheelchair.

I don’t care if she shouts out and is who she is today. I just want her there.

so it is ALL happening ….

I’m just sat looking at that last  half finished sentence nodding. letting it sink in……..

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