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Born

Some of us are born heartbroken from the initial

To final push .

We are the ones that don’t cry until we get a pat on the back

We are the ones that know the doctors’ have a hypocratic oath to enforce .

Life is forced upon those who don’t ask…

The ties must be cut with or without a puppet curtsey or kneel in prayer.

The law states we have a duty to care for ourselves

for others ..

The laws – they diminish a heart beaten with a wooden spoon .

Zero tolerance.. humanity is a price we have come to despair.

Punitive the fare we must pay. The care sector,our families who wish no t pretence
to smile on arrival  at a wake.

We live for our reasons . We betray our feelings .

Perhaps it’s when the sun denies we are in treason
we  dare shed a tear for our shadow

Some of us born heartbroken ’til we die.. we become the life savers or the enablers of the lie.

#writetoexpress

Mr Willows takes over the willows

with my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr. Willows – just kidding. Slightly…..

No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect. 

It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings  on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it? 

There is a lot I want to say  before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type  way too much for my liking.

We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people

-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .

I’m waffling. 

I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up.  I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour. 

I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly their best. 

Usually, the men I’ve chosen  have brought out the worst in me. ( they have issues just like me.)

For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.

I’m not making excuses for those men.

“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley

 

I have a man who has shown me what it feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness. 

Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.

I’m uber emotional. 

I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling  from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter) 

I’m at a loss for words.

So this Mr Willows

 

Introduction

This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness called Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.

15th May 2017

Weight: 89.7KG

10:15: It has been a struggle this morning. It is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and I used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.

10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chafe when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.

20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach aches so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.

22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get a better night’s sleep tonight   

16th May

11:34: I feel very shaky today, almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have started to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge. I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue for too long.

17th May

9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.

So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have led a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps suppress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.   

MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.

 

okay……..

I’m off.

Dealing with life 😀



My Consent.

My mind has been focused on simple acts.

I got lost in the tiniest of   fish bowls,

now I have got what I want, my mind is on detonate mode.

123  – it feels like I’ve sold almost all of my souls.

Bolivian marching powder?

No, not that kind of blow 

 I need a fix to settle these nerves.I have to take it and there are no more chances to ignore.

My very core.

Paddling with or without an  oar.

What do I know about writing?

I signed up for this,now it feels like I have sucked myself into my own suicide pact,  by leaking out the gas-

 it flows.

Riding on a high:I think I can fly.

I hit the floor -head first.

 Brain cells die.

The illusion is no more.

Clueless.

Fish have evolved and learned to  grow wings!

I’m a fallen angel, feathers  already in place.

I shouldn’t have a problem claiming my precious,  idolised rings.

Syntax.

It ain’t hard to fill out my own sin award credit tax.

Register!

Therefore, I are pilgrim -like innit mega -sir!

Noun ?

Bitch,

 fetch me my gown.

My mind is running on crazy adrenaline,

panic sets in and I am fucked if I can remember whose bed I am meant to be in.

Perspective just got  that bit closer

It punched me in the face-

Invisible fists just came at me like a ghost –

AH!

Can I do this?

I seem to always get what I want.

Except with emotional IQ situations – I kind of let that one slip into the abyss.

So, I continue to create my own destiny…

Fate is for people living in a book of dizzy ,fairy tale necessity.

I’m scared.

I feel the fear.

I’m not gonna lie.

All this sudden knowledge makes me want jump ship and  say,

‘fuck! Au revoir,  matie.   Here, you  have a go and steer.’

Fear is good.

It means I care.

Passion is good

It means I will probably fare.

So cool how I fooled my way into school.

This shit could still  just backfire-   now who’s the cool fool?

Now.

Present.

Past is a bit tense.

Future has been signed by my consent.

Got to the end – we all want a happy ending.

Sugar

I made this shit up.



Ex communication of self hatred

Shun not what you fear to understand

Don’t stigmatize the most inherent part in you; what makes you human!

Embrace each emotion &feelings.

My belief is if we hide our so called darker sides makes that part of our character stronger and unbalanced

Lessen that burden, become whole:

Be the full rainbow spectrum despite what your favourite colour is…

There is more to us than nuances of shady blacks & untouched white.

We have a choice to give in to or resist emotions that merely reflect we we are in our journey in life.

No journey is stagnant

No feeling is permanent.

Why are some emotions or feelings seen as bad or good? Aren’t they all important and deserve to be felt.

Nothing is stagnant.

It’s our fundamental nature to feel.

To question.

What do we do with our emotions ?

Our feelings and thoughts , what do we do with them?

Extract what you need in moderation?

This is not a comforting answer is it?

What is your answer ?

Opium Boy

 


Ghosts floating through the mansion of my mind. It may sound like a great thing to own a mansion as a mind.

I can tell you. It is a place that never sees sunshine, there is dust everywhere, the piano remains out of tune. Every room has something magnificent  to find

Dresses in one, jewels in the other, mothers little helpers, pills scattered everywhere.

There is  always a ghost on standby ready to haunt me.. It’s like an old familiar melody.

I find no pleasure in any of these rooms. There are too many rooms, not enough signs and I am always losing myself in it.

Instead of running from my mind. I sit in the creaking rocking chair. Legs splayed,opening myself up to become possessed by anything .

They sit down on my favourite grey chaise longue and puff cigars that smell of lavender and twirl full bodied wine glasses filled  with  a deep maroon Beaujolais or à châteauneuf de pap.

I seem unable to move. I can’t move. If I could just ask them to leave .

One places a daisy chain on my head and tops up my glass of southern comfort. I’m sure I have stopped drinking. They know this as well as I do.

The irony is they are trying to make me live again. Drink if you must- anything to live, they urge….

This is their home. How can I cast them out?

They drain me, yes it is true, but they have been a part of my life, guarding me  when I was still  growing in my mothers womb.

I let them stay,

“SIT DOWN”., I say

Foreplay remnants stain the sheets on the various four poster beds. There is a new guy in town.

Has a bit of an opium habit. He hides away from everyone ,including me.

I have become desperate in my misery,

I seek him out .He won’t show himself.

I beg him to show me how. He can write the directions on a paper……

I think he cares. He doesn’t want me to go that far down.

 I think if I am so far down  the dragon’s pit;chasing ,what is a few more inches to the bottom?

Isn’t the bottom or top better than half way neither up or down?

I think he hid the ouija board too. He doesn’t want to be summoned because my will will break his……

In all honesty I think they all  want the best for me. Oh of course they have their own agenda’s too.

They know how down I am but they need to go on outings too. They get bored so I  get to be their cruise liner- my eyes are  their oval windows ,to peer out of, their   mode of transport, that shows them life still carries on  even if they can’t be an active  part of it.. ..

They called me a party pooper today. Sounds a bit lame.

They held a special party for me.

My least favourite party of all times- they all congregated in my drawing  room whistling and pulling crackers and the incessant chatter nearly drove me out of the house.

Usually, the louder they are the quicker I try to escape – This time they lucked out. They will not help me find Opium boy.

I only want to escape with him.

I will continue to follow his musky scent until another scent sends my pulse quickening.

Another ghost starts to ask:

“Why do you want to be dead when your heart still beats?”

“Oh fuck off and cross over – you can live in my mansion of a mind but I will not be questioned – my mind my rules.”  I reply

If I  had gone would I have lost the scent of Opium boy?

Would I have cared?

Usually when I chase a boy that needs saving , I get into trouble….

Eulogising Tatiana

Today ,I wasn’t prepared though my gut knew better than to be not blase but scared.

A fleeting hope that the healers could give you a boost

The hardest decision was to accept that your time was up.I had to cut you loose.

I’m numb, guilty, wishing I had you for a few more nights.

Allowing your sorrowful suffocating soul seconds more would add to this punishing plight & dreams of death – faeces, dead babies, deer, filthy flies and discarded driftwood souls drunk on flotsam

Waived inner strength; sight to ignite a courageous carcass of hope

Never mind , my Tatiana. You breathe free , unleashed from the God’s who wouldn’t let you rest.

You were too remarkable to ignore.

Your status has soared

A wing span of your choice.

These words don’t do justice

I love you

This is your eulogy

An ode to your life with no apology.

So cold,

so sweet ,

so fair…

Life and death

The mortal twins

The janus of the past , the future

You -the  triplet was my greatest  moment of

present present.



Carnival Freaksbut they’re my freaks

‘Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.’ –Janis Joplin

Got to live up to my reputation for being brutally honest, right? I feel so low. I know I post mostly positive posts and come across as having my shit together. I do, most of the time. I can’t pretend that in a couple of months, something has shifted in me. It’s been big enough to derail me – the crustal plates in my mind and body have moved too much and too soon. I have to lean on something to stop me from falling, falling to where? and on what?   What if I just fall and never stop.  How does it feel? I sit back. It’s gnarled at my insides. I have to remind myself to pull the carbon monoxide out with each breath. 

Why now? I have so much to live for, to be happy for. Is this the nature of mental illness? My inner Iago is a great trickster -it can make the most amazing opportunities, experiences that are going to happen or are happening seem like a mirage. It loves to betray me. It loves to jinx me. It loves to beat me. I know it is him but he is good at hiding.

 He is sly and duped my lazy /starved neurotransmitters into believing that they can’t take one tiny step over, from one synapse to another.

 COURAGE YOU IDIOTS!

Man up! I’m on enough pills. I should be a billion dollar comedian with all the serotonin and dopamine whizzing round my brain.

I had a full-blown panic attack this morning. I had to ask G to come upstairs and hold me. This has worked before. I then got up and cleaned up and hit the gym. That helped but it came back with reinforcements. So , picture me mentally rummaging around my wellness toolbox to find the right tool to smooth over the grave bits. The ones that live between my ribs – that defy gravity…

It’s not my heart racing, it’s that space high up in the middle of my first four ribs. It’s like every breath I take is halved- stolen. I have the need to break free, to implode- no, explode from this human body of mine and let the energy disperse. It won’t leave willingly. I need to pick up my sharpest knife , slice myself open and let all the carnival loose.

The freaks can’t stay. I want to accept them but they repulse me. I am scared that if they stay within me, I may become them and I will feel this way forever.

I’m just typing. Loads of errors. I’m hoping I can write myself out of a panic attack. Nothing else seems to have worked.. I am trying to take the least amount of medication as possible. 

I’m due to have a Skype call with a lady who will be making my jewelled bouquets in 20 minutes. I need to send the freaks on errands 

Legless man,go and find a pair.

Fortune teller – read up on everyone’s star signs- dust off your glass ball. Go find some mystery somewhere else.

Obese lady- waddle down the lane and get some organic shit down your pipe hole- and make sure you stop by the pastry shop. Hopefully, you will be too full to waddle back 

Claw hand man – practice jerking off and walking sideways – right, no just a bit more to the right, oops, sorry! I didn’t see the cliff. 

ALL OF YOU – I MEAN EVERYONE. VACATE. THE CARNIVAL HAS SHUT DOWN. 

 They beg me. They have nowhere else to go. Pleading, I can’t turn my eyes away from them despite their defects. I look at them. How can I leave them stranded with nobody to want them and nowhere to go? 

So I write. I tell them I need to cool off. I need them to just go and find something to do and they can come back once I’ve had time to be alone. Once I find peace. Once I can breathe again. I could never make them homeless.

They are freaks. Yes, they scare me but they are my freaks. Sometimes they listen to me and respect me. Let me feel a bit of peace. They come back quieter now and get on with preparing for the next show. I just need to reign them in every now and then.

It’s going to be alright. The order has been restored. I write to live- I write for peace.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am …

I am…

and that is good enough.



Strange Blood

Dad,

How do I  wish you a great day without addressing the past?

Memories are  usually a good place to start.

Let’s forget about the bad ones.

No room for improvement in a negative mind state.

You taught me how to fish.

That was cool because I actually caught a fish but I was not impressed when you threw him back into the ocean – he was too small to eat.

You taught me a valuable lesson:

Compassion and what is necessary.

giphy (5).gif

That night I was sitting on the step, crying. Mom was going through a tough time. Nobody understood how ill she was and you sat next to me and begged me not to follow in my Mom footsteps. I would never live a life with joy.

I learnt that  enemies can want the same thing and can come from two completely different viewpoints . Ma never wanted me to follow in her footsteps either.

I remember the day I baked you a cake. You came over to Nan’s and you were sobbing. My great granddad was not well.

You taught me that there is a lot that goes inside a person’s mind and just because they don’t express emotion all the time, it doesn’t mean they care any less.

I remember trying to get to know each other in 1994. My holiday and first time back to South Africa in 6 years.

I sensed you were trying to talk . To break the ice. It is a pity my sister in her teens and  a little shit at the time and you had to act as the buffer.

I learnt that vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. I learned that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes us say ugly things.  I am only sad you didn’t try again to speak to me -one on one. 

I remember on that same holiday we went on a safari. It was a treat and one of the best days of my life.

You taught me that you did indeed care about my happiness and you wanted to create happy memories.

giphy (10).gif

The truth is we are not close for so many reasons. I am so over blaming. It’s unproductive and the truth is we do things that we think are the best for each moment we live. 

I understand this because I am a parent.

I know it is hard to instigate a conversation with someone you barely know.

I know you may have feelings about what you could or should have done differently. 

Let’s not get too hung up on what we could have done. 

Focus more on today and what we can do today.

Want to hear something funny?

I may not know you very well but I have kind of ended up getting married to a man whose birthday is two days apart from your own. I am actually marrying my Dad, in a crazy roundabout way.

AWKWARDS!

Before I end this -I want to thank all those silly quizzes you do on Facebook. 

Who would think that I can learn so much about you based on a trivial quiz? 

We may not be close but if anything happened to you and I held you in my heart with resentment and bitterness, I would never forgive myself.

I do love you, Dad. 

There is some ethereal sense of commitment I have to you. I can’t give you up. I have tried but I won’t give up on you -ever.

I know my illness scares/ scares you. 

I am much more self aware th

I know you do but I want to feel you  see you and hear your voice. 

Have a great day , Dad -from the U.K. to S.A.

giphy (13)

HAPPY FATHERS DAY



ese days. I don’t blame you , Dad. 

All I wish for is to get to know you better. To sit down and have a chat, laugh and I want to look into your eyes and I want you to hug me and tell me you love me.



The optimistic Anorexic

I know I have been going on and on about my Anorexia lately but what else can I do but pour out all my stress in my head  out and down onto paper ( well a post) I have started eating again and yes, the scales have gone up by 2 kilos. I do feel anxious and think the scales are going to go up and up and up and up – you get the picture. Since eating food again I have finally got my strength back. 

I have the energy to exercise again which means I can eat stuff I enjoy and fingers crossed not put on weight. I still am holding back with portions etc.. but I feel alive again.

 Anorexia had started to take all my confidence again and I didn’t think I could work in the volunteer sector any more. I had started to become paranoid and my thoughts came out in jumbled sentences.

 I was forgetting how to communicate. I felt like a failure.

But, the silver lining is I keep on fighting. I didn’t resort to old coping mechanisms such as  using coffee, chewing gum, pepsi max and other vices to kill my appetite. If I had chosen to go down that route then I might as well have built myself a coffin. The truth I am stronger than my illness. I’ve accomplished so much in four years. I have a lot of livin to do and being skeletal is not a part of that journey.

Of course, I want to be lean and toned. I want to be healthy. I don’t know what has happened but there has been a shift in my mind set. 

I wish I could tell you how I have done it. I suppose seeing what life is like on the other side of a despondent hell has helped me a lot. My family has helped me. I’m stubborn and wilful but I guess that has been  my anchor.  

My life raft. These tr

aits are  being used for a more positive reason.

I read a lot of posts where people with mental health issues are suffering so much. They don’t have the support and help they need. Here is me with an almost perfect little family, my health- I am not in a wheelchair or have problems so severe I can’t keep healthy and fit. I am not some idiot. I am articulate and smart. I am ambitious and a go-getter. This is my true nature.

 Not some vile, putrid anorexic that cowardly hides behind a mask . I got my medication changed and I do feel better. It may just be a placebo but it works for me. It has helped get me back on equal footing with the world.

I’m feeling optimistic again.  I am going places and with one blow the candle goes out and I can turn the volume down on those voices- trying to lure me like Odysseus’ sirens. I’m navigating my way around the rocky depths of Scylla’s cave.  I’m on my way home- to reconnect with my Penelope- my soul, my pure self. My most loyal self. The self  who has never let me down.


HUMOUR ME

If you don’t suffer from a sense of humour may I suggest this post may offend you.

I bet you didn’t know that Socrates suffered from Agoraphobia ( fear of open places) .

Rate her or hate her. The term narcissism came about because of Kim kardashian

Bet you didn’t know that Nostradamus made sure he got the credit for predicting his own death on Easter Sunday. 

How? He committed suicide that very day. 

 Need a genie The next best thing to a genie? Find a random bipolar person – make sure you rub heads – turn around anti- clock wise; three and a half times and any wish of yours will come true.

Come on , what bullshit Daisy? 

Okay here is a heads up? It is bullshit .

This only works if you do the same routine with schizophrenics 

Want to trace your mental health ancestry -it’s a common fact that all people with mental illness descended from gipsies and witches in a forest just outside of Bulgaria. 

We all know that people with mental health issues are not the same. Illness can happen to a diverse range of people. The most important part of this fact is they are all left handed -I should know. 

We all know that people with mental health issues are so consumed with themselves and can’t see past their own nose. This is why they mostly have goldfish for pets.

Who the hell started this myth?

I mean let’s get real here, us mentally ill people also have crabs, octopus and Wildebeests as pets. 

Here’s a secret- us mentally unwell folks recognise our own kind with a secret handshake  and talk to each other in an ancient language ( borrowed and  used in the ‘minion’ films) so no one can understand us.

Actually that is bullshit again,

The truth is we all have special decode-fier rings that can translate the language of green space aliens – FACT!

New pub trivia knowledge for  you,

There is only one support group that all Swiss people will attend for Depression. Only one. 

If you want extra kudos and bonus points  

Did you know that in the  Korean  language there is no word that can be translated as ‘paranoia ?  

You should get a free round with that one. 

Heard of Xeno ? another Greek philosopher even older than Socrates.

Well, he was an actual Xenophobic – he was!  I studied Greek myth at university.

Who likes a ‘few’ drinks to calm themselves every night and possibly in the morning too? Well, don’t worry ,back in the middle ages= drinking copious amounts of alcohol was seen a prestige hobby like hunting and not an illness. 

Did you know you have more success getting a psychiatrist to engage in conversation  if you disguise yourself as an Orange. Why? He thinks he is more likely to get all the juice from you . 

FACT NUMBER 101 I hate waiting.

The End…