My word but moving house is super stressful.
I’m happy because I’m moving to new pastures.
Life has been a mind haunting experience over the past 2months.
My anorexia nervosa reared its ugly head because I needed some form of self medicating after stopping toxic self medicating.
I lost over 2-3 stone!
I love food.. I have recently been bingeing on food. My husband can’t stop me. After a binge,I’m verbally abusive to him, because I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I chew the foos and spit it out.
My weight has gone up to 8stone 10 from 8stone.
I’m angry because I rely on government money for my illnesses.
I’m trying to get better.
I have an assessment award review in 3weeks time and, well… I feel like I need to lose the wight I’ve gained to justify I’m ill.
I attempted a serious suicide overdose in , May 2020.
I was in a coma for 5days on life support and a further 5 days in critical ICU care.
I’ve done 4 serious suicide attempts in 2 years and 2months.
I tried to jump off a well known bridge.
I had 5 people hold me down so I couldn’t jump.
Now my gut instinct says try and kill myself.
I’m tired of my illnesses.
I wish I could have a job that covers my bills.
My daughter who is 9 years old has never been on holiday-not even in the U.K. because I can’t afford it.
I’m bricking it. I have a lot of paperwork to prove I’m ‘seriously* ill as my family and husband states.
I can’t move time ahead nor make the assessor re approve my extra income.
Not having control over my world is debilitating but i have to focus on my new life and have a plan B if I am not awarded PIP.
*Unedited stream of consciousness writing with an image prompt.
The hand in the shadows inarticulated all senses. It Dims all potential – intertwined s all 5 fingers into a Complicated riddle.
Sight blurred by over analysing her inner Self-perception -imagination distorted in the darkness the eyes of truth remain hidden.
A Taste so tainted by past memories seemingly nothing to gain
A gluttonous child cavedweller who hid from the rain Afraid to enjoy the lingering passion behind a lover’s kiss a foreign delicacy
Gulped down chunks of fear -resistance -a refusal to taste the smacking licks of lips from a distant pain
Sounds of brawling. Tortured screams left her to scramble away – hidden humming a discordant tune- unharmonised to the language used by the normal folk those who socialised under the sunshine day after day
Touched by a love so fiercely so devout. Terror aroused she turned her face away from one name. He bathed her in the moonlight – she was stuck in her ways – tucked away in her self made dark haze.
Scent took leave of all senses – seasoned impurities infiltrated her brain. Refusal to inhale life -to contemplate risking one day. Left her bound by ignorance -alone in an abyss – people forgot she had lived -had been given a name.
If only she had grabbed hold of the hand holding what appeared to be a flame risk would be her new life-giver. Her greatest achievement to feel the pleasure of the suns rays
Image prompt challenge
I can’t put roots down in a home that feels alien to me. I blank out my world. I dread the familiar haunting of this abode called my home.
How it represses me and chokes me. Yet,I come back to it like a castrated casualty of Love’s wars. Conditioned to part my lips for misery….
Misery is the strangest bedfellow.
Assumes multiple faces.
Finds solace in one;
then toys the mind into trickery.
Absolute in believing the worst.
The quest for inner happiness is insatiable.
Risqué life impulses
hover to the centre;
reflective to reveal the self
Truth becomes lethargic to express.
Denial in a tangible form is easy to confront.
Fluid is Something
a perpetual change in reason or emotion won’t be summoned into entertaining with a mere appearance.
Who really has it together?
The innocents shake up this universe.
People’s culpability to surprise succeeds in frequent currents.
Inner warfare barely contains the raw diet of pain -self-inflicted.
faltering when an impromptu glimpse outlines Guilt slack at the shoulders.
How to do better?
How do we balance every eventuality?
From the withstanding of spirit, affection, carefree joie de vivre?
to never waiver to out compromise sacred boundaries.
A crave to fly
Be at liberty to roam and murmurate with free agenda.
Yet acknowledge the need for the skies and physics reminder of my limits.
To reveal the divine order that is Nature.
Uncomplicated preambles, snapshots of existence;
staggering through the wilderness, a heart-
beating… though composed of wood.
Daedalic to the fracas of life.
Short reflection (First day down) onWRAP( wellness recovery action plan) facilitator training.
A stream of consciousness.
Heart beating, struggling to breathe, it’s my turn next to have a go honing in on my public speaking skills and being a co-facilitator, speaking about one core value and ethic of what the WRAP self-management program means to me and why.
Make a few bullet point notes.
Listen to what others are saying. Listen…….
Don’t pre-empt what I am going to say while listening to others.
Try and understand where that person who is currently in the hot seat, is coming from.
We are all nervous – we all have feelings.
Oooh, look! A squishy, colourful ball to play with,it lights up. I hope there is no one who is sensitive to flashing light in this room. Just Fucking do it.
Remember, my reason for doing what I am doing.
This is not about what others think but about how I develop as a person and what it means to me, in my life – there is a bigger picture.
Look people in the eyes when I speak.
Acknowledge my nerves if need be.
stick to the topic.
Believe in my own worth.
THE PRACTICAL EXERCISE:
Choose one out of the 15, WRAP ETHICS AND VALUES that form the basis and success of the WRAP self-management program, get into pairs to practice co-facilitating (with someone I have never met before). Here is what I chose and what I had to say.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED – YOU SHOULD BE 😀
CHECK OUT THE CORE VALUES AND ETHICS CHECKLIST THAT MAKE WRAP WHAT IT IS
HERE ( there are 15)
Here’s another link if you enjoyed what you read 😀
MY CHOICE :
Difficult feelings and behaviors are seen as normal responses to traumatic circumstances viewed in the context of what is happening, not as symptoms or a diagnosis.
What I said: Three minutes starts now: tick tock
MAKES MY OWN TICKER BEAT FASTER
“Long story short, I grew up in what is commonly referred to in society as a dysfunctional family and upbringing. Grew up around mental illness, addictions/people who used bad coping mechanisms.
I, family members of mine were Stigmatized because of that.
The global / U.K. NHS model for dealing with Mental health is not working.
Change is needed.
Labels and diagnoses should be a guideline -not something that you are stuck with for life.
We all have feelings –
not all most feelings are irrational/impulsive.
Society is uncomfortable in dealing with other people’s feelings.
Feelings can’t be reduced to mere symptoms of illness
We all have Mental health. We all have a mind and a body.
We are all subject to episodes of good and bad MH on a sliding scale spectrum.
People with Feelings should be encouraged to share them.
We are all unique.
We share many similar qualities and are complex beings.
Our narratives – our personal story.
how we came to be who we are today and who we will become should be determined by being able to express our feelings and thoughts without being labelled in jargony terms ( if we want it that way).
We are human. Let’s stop hiding it and act like it.
There is no shame in being human and feeling happy/sad/ insert emotion.
I believe, there is this cultural mentality that people with Mental Health “issues” ( every human being on this planet btw) who have come out or indeed still continue to suffer in silence are deemed incapable of taking true, positive personal responsibility for our own health in an empowering manner.
I think We are afraid because we have been told we don’t have the mental capacity to manage ourselves in the current medical, prescribed model set- up that we rely on still to this day.
This links into another crucial value and ethic of WRAP which is what my co-facilitator will touch upon now”
CO -FACILITATOR’S CHOICE AND TURN IN THE HOT SEAT.
Self-determination, personal responsibility, empowerment, and self-advocacy are key aspects of this program.
How I sum up what my three-minute co-facilitator said, in my own mind, is:
Understanding and wanting to understand how to manage your own issues in new ways – safe ways, different ways requires determination. One-step and that is already a person taking responsibility for their path – their mind /their body.
The result – I have found, is usually empowering.
I can do this.
I have just done it.
WOW! Fucking shit man…..
Carry on working on ourselves and focusing on what makes us well, unwell, etc…. is a great prescription. Self-advocacy is a prescription a person gives themselves.
Because I know myself better than anyone. I don’t care who believes it or not.
You know yourself better than any doctor, family member or friend. You live in your head and body.
I am the expert on me and I can be pretty fucking resourceful if I am pointed in the right direction.
My Bella Bee is back at school. Missed her first day at BIG school. 😦
My GHD’s said a big F U to me this morning ……
I did it.
I can’t even focus on the words on my MA in Creative writing on the Open University website that is finally open and we have full access to use.
What do I want to write about?
Social issues/ issues that affect us as humans.
I do know that my first Tutor marked assignments (TMA) is going to be an 18-minute play about a homeless person and how society and the community can succeed in aiding a vulnerable person to help him/herself.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind and rewind. Remember that one?
Catch up soon!
Loads of shout outs as promised at the end of the week.
Can’t wait to explore all the new blogs and Bloggers in the Willows and beyond.
Daisy ❤ ❤
She’s dying not wanton for living in nebulant world
caught up in a shimmer
She is my cognitive dissonance a prisoner or
the one who keeps me safe form all harm
She takes me to a blissful cave hung with roses
sunshine smiles challenge my retreat
If her love snuffs out
Flames of regret will burn until cinders remain
didn’t show her the true love she deserved when she was even ill
Ignorant to what is in plain sight
Words tempted to expel her ignatius existence.