I did a lot of things I never thought I would have the guts to do

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” -HENRY FORD 

When I was fighting my ex and social services for custody of my daughter, I did something that I didn’t think I would ever have the courage to do. I thought everyone thought I was this

I was finding myself again. It is a never ending process.  I was many miles -eons even away from the person I am today.

This person who I am today is someone I could not have foreseen.

I found out a girl from college was doing a ‘equality and diversity ‘ campaign for her final project  before she graduated and all I needed to do to get involved, if I wanted to was get naked.

Yup! that’s it.

A bunch off ladies I had never met bar one (College girl) was my company for the day and we were all walking around butt naked -having our pictures taken.

I was compelled to do this project because I was trying to find freedom – a freedom I had never expressed or experienced before, under the blaring  light of my unwanted entourage- social  services and who ever came with them skirting around their coat tails..

• I couldn’t fall into abusive relationships any longer

• I couldn’t close my mind to the world by self medication.

• I couldn’t lose my mind and end up in hospital 

I ended up rebelling or what I now see as expressing my uniqueness in more gratifying ways.

I was going through a mad time of changing my hair colour nearly every 2/3 week. The day before the shoot. My hair had turned from purple to murky green.

The hairdresser wanted me to pay for this mistake but I stood my ground and this was also new to me. I was good at telling myself what to do but I was never assertive enough to tell others what I would and would not accept.

I have found out that we have a name for this  in our everyday communication and it is called ‘Boundaries’.

Hairdresser sorted my hair out for free and off I went to do the photo shoot. My partner literally held my hand leading me like a child to the school gates.

Gently telling me I could do this.

I walked into the room , laughter, nibbles and cava flowing to yield the nerves  It felt like they all turned to me and gave me the look. That girl look we do with one another.

You know the one.

They probably didn’t.

I got naked and just put my ‘I am super confident hat’ on and I winged my way through the day.

I tried to be a normal woman. Not a mother who had social services on their back and an ex with a taste for revenge. I know some people had heard gossip but I just carried on.

Forced myself to speak and do chit chat- which I loathe.

I came into my own and loved posing and feeling empowered. I got to laugh and be among women who had their own issues and problems. I didn’t feel so ostracised from my community for those few hours.

So, there is a lot to be said about diversity and equality -all can be found here

please if you can take a moment to watch

This kind of rebelling or should I say going against the crowd was new to me. I was used to rebelling in  a way that always ended up hurting me and not empowering me

There is a lot to be said about how powerful empowering yourself is. Sometimes we don’t know that what we are doing is empowering myself.

Since I’ve done a lot of inner self-help work on myself. These are a  just a few of the ways I have empowered myself

• I carried on studying for my BA  online. I would study at court waiting to go into the judge’s chambers. Day in and day out.

• I went on an empowering program for woman who has been abused by men called THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

• I refused too be bullied by anyone in the social services click. I spoke up a lot for myself and my daughter

• I held my head up high when I walked around the town I live in. I refused to be bought down by peoples “tsk tsk- did you know that girl had her……..” 

• I started volunteering not thinking it would have the effect it has had on me 

• I did loads of courses and training workshops to skill myself up

• I became a true feminist and equal to my husband to be

• Accepted people and relationships for what they are

• I started blogging

These are just a few ways I have empowered myself and in turn, enriched my life. The person I see or who you may see today did not just happen. It took a lifetime of mishaps, experiences, mistakes, learning, behaviours and generally trying my hand at living to achieve me.

I see something in me that can only be seen outside of me because the glow is not a few embers chilling out on a bit of coal. I have an inner fire I try and keep lit all the time. I am the vigil of this candle.

It is my responsibility to keep the fire blazing. I had taken myself to the ‘hoki poki’ clinic and turned it all around for myself. 😀

Expect more wedding-themed updates in the next upcoming week. 21st June is fast approaching. I have a post about wedding vows which made my heart melt but I will write about that another day.

There are so many ways we can empower ourselves. I have found that if something is scary and it is partly terrifying, it involves me coming out of myself and connecting with others. This is usually  a good gauge  to check out if  I am doing something to empower myself.   I hope all these ladies still feel proud about what we did  three years ago in May 2013

( photo credits Julie Teague @ https://www.facebook.com/Julieatjtphotography/