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Neighbour hoodie (nee) gentrify watch

Jan 15

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TRUE WORDS:

There are no rainbows without rain.

RISE ABOVE THE SMALL MENTALITY.

These folk have not experienced my darkest hours nor walked in my shoes.
Jealousy is a heinous crime to a person’s soul because it doesn’t take into account what the other person has and has yet to go through in life.

RISE ABOVE THE HATE of those who will never know & if they do hear a whisper of truth have no clue.

Judgements have no place in my world for those who don’t have a clue.
They tried to hit me where it could have hurt not me but my family
Gentrify their neighbourhood watch
cos I fly without further a due
Confuciasism
Tashism
I am not who/what they think I am ..
Oh, wait.. they made my case to succeed stronger.
THANK YOU, to my foes
You have made my goal closer.
I see that now.
Energy dispersed
I find it replenished
Resurrected
I am not down
I rise
I rise

THANK YOU for fueling my desire to start afresh better now than when I thought I was due
to give life to a new beginning.

these are my words. Simple words yet… meaningful to the author.
ME,

Who knew.

 

Posted in STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS COLLECTION

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Spindrift Nouveau depart

A true union of hearts was joined one summer in late June.

The birds chirruped, the sun shone – the two became one -reflected for all to see by La Luna- the moon
Air and Water – shouldn’t cross paths.
These two elements casually ignore each other in nature’s form-its innate core.
He of Air –
She of Water.

The energy that caused the spindrift was something not even these elements could ignore.

Le Mistral caught up in a steamy, heady mood.
Strode across the sky scowling, blowing curses – chaos surely ensued .

La Mer
– she was winding down for the day.

The tide had come in, and she was ready to listen to a mermaid wax lyrical her classic tale of Babe Ruth.

The wind so vexed was he – he deafened her with one strike of his herculean hair -clouded by his inability to self- soothe.

La Mer reacted in bad form. He struck her so hard, – her mind swelled up with great licks of waves – crashing and thrashing her mental whereabouts.

Never interrupt an element so passionate about listening to her favorite composer.

Le Mistral and La Mer could ignore one another no more. She would make him feel the repercussions of his foolish, senseless,not-so-well thought out Strop.

Now he would have to face his conjurer.
A tidal wave of thoughts arose inside her.

He would pay dearly for interrupting her meditative state of mind.

He had no clue what feud he had started.

Fire and Earth were shrewd not to intervene. They knew when to stay out of the way of a combination of this kind.

They witnessed how the passion of this great unforeseen union came to be.

The product of this affront was simply not even what the conflicted two could continue to deplore.

Witnessed by two friends .
Wind and Water created the very first image of love .

Spindrift -a physical feeling of exhilaration consolidated the two .
They were now ready for a new adventure – together -ready to explore each other, become the couple -who looked to the other with eyes that said ‘j’t‘adore.’

Definitions for spindrift
spray swept by a violent wind along the surface of the sea.

( written two months after I got married to my husband – Gaz. He is as Mercurial as Air and I more of a deep waters run still lass. Air & water are two elements that ignore each other. I used to read up all my family, friends, and boyfriends astrology signs when i was younger. I used to read the Aquarius sign and think that is the kind of man I want to be with . Trust us to be incompatible according to our zodiac). 😀 then I went to marry an Aquarius man & it turns out he is my soul mate. Nouveau depart)

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Celebrating being a woman

Celebrating being a woman

Mar 8

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I did a lot of things I never thought I would have the guts to do

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” -HENRY FORD 

When I was fighting my ex and social services for custody of my daughter, I did something that I didn’t think I would ever have the courage to do. I thought everyone thought I was this

 

I was finding myself again. It is a never ending process.  I was many miles -eons even away from the person I am today.

This person who I am today is someone I could not have foreseen.

I found out a girl from college was doing a ‘equality and diversity ‘ campaign for her final project  before she graduated and all I needed to do to get involved, if I wanted to was get naked.

Yup! that’s it.

 

A bunch off ladies I had never met bar one (College girl) was my company for the day and we were all walking around butt naked -having our pictures taken.

I was compelled to do this project because I was trying to find freedom – a freedom I had never expressed or experienced before, under the blaring  light of my unwanted entourage- social  services and who ever came with them skirting around their coat tails..

  • I couldn’t fall into abusive relationships any longer

  • I couldn’t close my mind to the world by self medication.

  • I couldn’t lose my mind and end up in hospital 

I ended up rebelling or what I now see as expressing my uniqueness in more gratifying ways.

I was going through a mad time of changing my hair colour nearly every 2/3 week. The day before the shoot. My hair had turned from purple to murky green.

The hairdresser wanted me to pay for this mistake but I stood my ground and this was also new to me. I was good at telling myself what to do but I was never assertive enough to tell others what I would and would not accept.

I have found out that we have a name for this  in our everyday communication and it is called ‘Boundaries’.

Hairdresser sorted my hair out for free and off I went to do the photo shoot. My partner literally held my hand leading me like a child to the school gates.

Gently telling me I could do this.

I walked into the room , laughter, nibbles and cava flowing to yield the nerves  It felt like they all turned to me and gave me the look. That girl look we do with one another.

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You know the one.

They probably didn’t.

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I got naked and just put my ‘I am super confident hat’ on and I winged my way through the day.

I tried to be a normal woman. Not a mother who had social services on their back and an ex with a taste for revenge. I know some people had heard gossip but I just carried on.

Forced myself to speak and do chit chat- which I loathe.

I came into my own and loved posing and feeling empowered. I got to laugh and be among women who had their own issues and problems. I didn’t feel so ostracised from my community for those few hours.

So, there is a lot to be said about diversity and equality -all can be found here

please if you can take a moment to watch

 I was fi

This kind of rebelling or should I say going against the crowd was new to me. I was used to rebelling in  a way that always ended up hurting me and not empowering me

There is a lot to be said about how powerful empowering yourself is. Sometimes we don’t know that what we are doing is empowering myself.

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Since I’ve done a lot of inner self-help work on myself. These are a  just a few of the ways I have empowered myself

  • I carried on studying for my BA  online. I would study at court waiting to go into the judge’s chambers. Day in and day out.

  • I went on an empowering program for woman who has been abused by men called THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

  • I refused too be bullied by anyone in the social services click. I spoke up a lot for myself and my daughter

  • I held my head up high when I walked around the town I live in. I refused to be bought down by peoples “tsk tsk- did you know that girl had her……..” 

  • I started volunteering not thinking it would have the effect it has had on me 

  • I did loads of courses and training workshops to skill myself up

  • I became a true feminist and equal to my husband to be

  • Accepted people and relationships for what they are

  • I started blogging

These are just a few ways I have empowered myself and in turn, enriched my life. The person I see or who you may see today did not just happen. It took a lifetime of mishaps, experiences, mistakes, learning, behaviours and generally trying my hand at living to achieve me.

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I see something in me that can only be seen outside of me because the glow is not a few embers chilling out on a bit of coal. I have an inner fire I try and keep lit all the time. I am the vigil of this candle.

It is my responsibility to keep the fire blazing. I had taken myself to the ‘hoki poki’ clinic and turned it all around for myself. 😀

 

Expect more wedding-themed updates in the next upcoming week. 21st June is fast approaching. I have a post about wedding vows which made my heart melt but I will write about that another day.

There are so many ways we can empower ourselves. I have found that if something is scary and it is partly terrifying, it involves me coming out of myself and connecting with others. This is usually  a good gauge  to check out if  I am doing something to empower myself.   I hope all these ladies still feel proud about what we did  three years ago in May 2013

 

( photo credits Julie Teague @ https://www.facebook.com/Julieatjtphotography/

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Deficit Wordsmith

Deficit Wordsmith

Mar 31

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It’s hard to be a wordsmith

when  brain cells  are deficit in cursive

I strain to see the letters

I  see I want to get betters.

If these are the only words I write

Today, a   better ‘morrow insight.

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the transformation of Forlorn

the transformation of Forlorn

Dec 23

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Hash slinger – dilutes 365 days worth of grapes fermenting in a  cave filled with stolen hearts.

Instigator- in need of ingredients  – list ready not fully prepped but all great recipes need parts.

Dark ale, vodka trail – ‘buy get one free’ cocktails.

E- colorants – fry the mind -a far cry from fresh mint and soul mates kiss.

New beginnings left in a brawl of broken communication,

walking all uphill – alone.

Moving target – pray for the deceased – we may miss.

cuckoo birds sling out freestyle, rap, battle war cries,  on a council estate –   beaks pointed and drawn.

Prepared to engage in battle. A  girl walks by she goes by the name forlorn.

Forlorn found her way back home, in the arms of her significant other.

Her mind and heart she gave away freely to another.

Too many grains of sand lost to shell-shock beach.

Too many thoughts and emotions she stewed over.

One potato – made her believe she was smashed enough and that it was her lucky clover.

Magic happens in all forms of manners.

Butterfly wings eats at the table, always gets a slap to the head from  Peppered head chef.

Escapism signs – she drove her mind around the same block clocking  355 days worth of miles. She surpassed the speed of light.

Infinitum.

 There is a harsh ignorance in being deaf.

Cleft palate.

Third world faggot.

Take offense to the fact the one can be cured by a doctor at liberty, the other could be the one who does the operation.

Connections made in hazy chatrooms- friends first?  denied.

 She let her guard go below waist level.

Summer, trees, fresh breeze- no red wine- only a heart jolted into shame and alienation.

Walking into her shift at ‘club unresolved‘, the room filled with patronly feelings.

Ignored, lonely spell caught up with her when she was having her smoke break.

She drew up a new sheet – the rules of this melody could go whichever way they choose.  One little minor grew into a major.

Tchaikovsky in need for  Concerta of this scale.

Lonely spell  – left without decorating the cake.

Allies can be few and far between-    Forlorn can’t take lonely spell with her into every one of her dreams.

Sweet relief falls like crumbs to hungry birds, not enough to satiate every lost soul.

At least Jesus had his merry sunbeams.

One year of Forlorn clenched fists, post sticky notes reminding her to breathe.

Begging for mercy.

Forlorn only wanted Lonely Spell to let her be another  Venusian friend – not some spicy flavored condiment that would only end up in regretful screams.

‘The Let go’   should bring comfort to sweet forlorn.

Weightless -gravity took hold her.

Luckily  Soul mate was quick enough to tie a string around her emaciated form.

His spirit grabbed hold of her – even when bone turned to dust,

disappearing,

 falling apart at the seams.

Forlorn, not for thinking she had lost a missing ingredient.

Forlorn because she never needed a magic ingredient to make her whole- she blinded her own eyes with a blow torch.

Moment of Epiphany.

A Stray Cat only gets to sleep in a babes cradle,

 if a mother forgets to secure the front door behind her- facing  Fallible street -Eastside of the mansion porch.

 

 

 

Posted in STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS COLLECTION

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Hope’s unique gravity

Hope’s unique gravity

Oct 26

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I just wanna do my thing.

I don’t wanna hurt nobody or anybody with the way I decide to go.

I’m all heart – Sensitive a subject of the dark arts but in truth, I can’t really stop the blood flow;

coursing through my veins. I don’t need blood clots to interfere with my emotions.

I like to feel.

From time to time, circle crops set up home on my turf – I’d like to say it is an alien probing and feign ignorance, I  can’t deny  the familiar  weight of sentimentality  surgery.

Unforgettably  invasive- it is real.

Paranoid thoughts – tension is all I have set  on my watch dial. I know I have not been Santa’s best girl every time.

Honestly, I do enough good to save me from paying for another crime.

Honest intentions. Soul soft and pure. Warped sense of humor.

Bold, moody, loving ,trusting, overly sensitive cysts congregate into lumps, deciding on the logistics and geometrics, of developing a  cost effective  tumor.

Screams above – Take me – unleash me from the scourge of hell that I find my feet clad in cast  iron.

No one else can cut the chain. Raggle out that last breath.

Breathe life into a place  for the ones who seek redemption in their conceptualized   Zion.

Fighting spirit. Fighting a war. A battle within – Gore – more gore .

I deplore.

I abhor.

Is this really all she has to show for herself  and sell on the haggle market shop floor?

Brecht. Disconnect.

Fayre .Disrepair.

Coquette. Disinfect.

eclair. Declare.

Life takes us down alleys where the shit tide threatens to pass the neckline.

Think quick, Grasshopper – put that cap on backward and move into  a new gear. Time to engage and decline or re-define.

Shattered thoughts. Media social networks taunt.   Pull the plug. I’m  done with the fictitious lives.

Comparisons in a house of distorted mirrors. Insecurity breeds, incubate in these surroundings – glass shatters – contaminating other entities- is how it   thrives.

Worry,

Worry,

about not the friends who are not .

Worry about the ones who  are in ‘yours truly’ life and are what you would call ‘your lot’.

Happiness is not a concept. Dolce and Gabbana shoes heighten the germicidal  sensation of  Dopamine overload syndrome- early onset.

The human touch, the words we use. More lasting splendor than debiting additional  digits from your visa card, in an attempt, to feel less deprived. Wage a bet.

Birthdays are for celebrating –  don’t ignore the day you  not only gasped but grasped your first true breath.

It takes skill to meander through the valleys, hills, low-lying turnstiles, the rabbit holes of seemingly eternal strife.

You have passed by many  costly  troll bridges –  and managed to get away with what is most sacred – your life.

Another day  has passed – look at what you have done not what you have lost.

Focus on your strengths, not your adversaries – no need to subject yourself  to more savage beatings at an unnecessary cost.

No motivation – it’s okay,we all have these moments thinking we have forever lost our precious marbles

Get back on the wheel and break dance – do a wheely – show off that you have emerged from the eye of the storm – scarred but intact .

 Be pleasant,smile  it’s okay you’ve got this .Thank the alert, coast guard marshalls.

Live. Eat. Pray.

or

Give. Beat.Stray.

whatever you do,

always have your say.

 

Posted in STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS COLLECTION

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My True penny

My True penny

Aug 31

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I’m taking back my power.

I’ve got my ammo and my gun powder.

I’m not going to use it cos I’m more of a peace than a ‘fuck you -let’s bomb you to oblivion’ type of  person.

I have realised that  to allow someone who thinks nothing about me to have so much power to lure me into a paralysed state of persuasive perversion is:

 True insanity. I have my true penny and that is what counts.

I pushed him  away like a woman under attack –  I pushed  my lot away – until it formed blood clots on the insides – comparably sized to mounting a  herd of elephants.

unwilling to be ridden- trunks raised up, irate – exploding in  shouts.

I started to talk about what goes on in my head and my true penny told me that we all makeup scenarios in our minds, to make sense of the lives and situations we come across, in this world of an  uncertain,  never-ending skyline.

I thought I was losing it.

I thought I  was obsessed.

Turns out my brain works out  my issues based on characters and story lines and other  shenanigans.

Crazy?  maybe but creativity strokes  the  beat with a brush  –  I feel there is  almost a genius to be found walking on this fine line.

Swastikas and Reds are not my idea of interior decorating.

Tearing down my  walls.

One little Nazi’s thought is not going to make me come down to that kind of level.

I have my life.

 I am the queen of my disco.

I have retro  roller skates on .

 The sun is my Disco ball.  I’m on the rooftop, in the light-beaming under the  rays.

Not hiding in the dark, under the influence,an imposter.

A star that can’t twinkle, dishevelled – so shady – a back turns away –  It’s the one known as the  blue devil.

We are on two separate  paths –  I notice  the screams of a   shaken baby.

A rattle spins across the floor – Dummy dribbled with garbled spit.

I guess mommy is right when she says: ‘You always want what you can’t have’

It’s not infatuation, love or anything like that – This baby is  having a tantrum – she  didn’t get what she  wanted .

She  didn’t even get a maybe.

I’m done slithering  on my belly across damp floors.  Waiting for the next Gestapo, soot-stained  boot to squelch  me.

Turn out my guts until, all you can see is the insides of me- a sore sight of  limacine.

Phantom limb syndrome – I am back from the  war of past, oppressive obsession.

  I’m awake.

 Clarity.

Nightmares were all I had to grieve over.

 I didn’t lose any limbs. Only my inner self- belief .

 I’m a china teapot lady – I’m done  trying to find happiness in a person who happily  lives  life drinking out of cups made of polystyrene .

 The present is my greatest gift.   I’m not wasting another second wishing on  dreams that we can be friends.

My heart is my greatest ally and foe. It makes me work.

Dwarves getting their hoes to do all the work – chasing fairy dust ,  axe- picking fights with one another, to grow in a place under a roof of  artificial light.

Genuine and melodic – true light – mountain breeze is the only place I will find a place to atone.

To make amends.

Let it go and go with the flow

I stand before the world smiling – unashamed – this is my show.

 

SHOUT OUTS AND AWARD NOMINATATONS TO FOLLOW

 

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