CYCLE OF ABUSE
I am having to go into all the blogs I follow to make sure I am kept updated on posts. Does anybody else think that reader doesn’t seem to show all the posts of who you follow? I am glad I went through the list of bloggers I follow. I could have updated my Global happiness page or my others page but I have just read Becoming Katie Butterfly post that has angered me and giving me the courage to speak up.
How any times can a woman be raped -without ‘ deserving’ it?
So did I deserve to be raped?
1999 left South Africa and moved to France as my Granddad had been diagnosed with Cancer. he met a business friend who moved my family- two cats, me, my ma, my Gran and my grandpa into a villa in a place out side Marseilles- called carre le rouet.
I could hardly speak a word of French. I was 17 years old and wild and ignorant and a ‘problem’ child. Most people who knew me had turned their back from me. I understood the language more than I could speak it I lived with my family who spoke French all the time.
This business friend would take us for meals bought my Ma a car, bought me a paniere of fresh strawberries from god knows where but thy were sweet. One night we were celebrating something at a beautiful restaurant that was seemingly carved into the mountain ,jutting out from the rockery that over looked the sea.
I got drunk of champagne. I was a arrogant little bitch who thought I knew it all. No let me be kinder to past self. I knew only to push boundaries that did not exist. I had no sense of reasoning. I only knew how to self destruct
SO I was quaffing down the champers. The never ending chalice. When we all were driving back to our villa, I decided ( I have done this more times than I can count) I wanted to carry on with the party. Yassin and I were in some flashy car. Red. I think. He showed my uncle a gun for some obscure reason. My uncle was like: ‘get out the car now’
I obviously challenged him. What is the big deal? because everything is okay when we are drunk right? My uncle gave up and turned away from the car and never looked back. (until 20 years later. We have a great relationship now).
We went to various bars. A place where mostly Algerians hung out. All speaking French too fast for me to follow. I was fine shooting pool and drinking.
Things turned a darker shade of pale when I saw we were parked up near some fancy hotel. Then my brain started imploding. My fear/flight amygdala part of my brain kicked into gear. We checked in, I mouthed to the concierge at the desk ‘Aide moi’. I am sure there was a lot of coke inhaled. He was 50- something. I 17. Shit happened. He got angry and said ‘Je te va tuer I am going to murder you. Waving his gun. He was coked up to the max. What could I do. I was off my head and paranoid and the bed was half way unmade. I didn’t want a bullet in the back of my head. So we had sex or what can also be interpreted as I was raped.
People have this idea that rape has to in a dark alley with a knife to the neck or something so spontaneous. Yes, that can happen but rape can take place in the most extraordinary places . I had been ‘groomed’ I didn’t say ‘No’. The gun was enough to send my adrenalin into survival mode. I didn’t know it them but I have had to time to deal with it and accept it for what it is.
Very early the next morning -he stuffed a bundle of francs notes in my hand and put me in a cab. I was dazed and hung over and not quite sure what to feel. I wanted to throw all that money out the car window. I felt like a whore! I am not a whore!
The police arrived not long after and found the gun and drugs under his side of the pillow. He got three years. I didn’t even have to go to trial. I was banished back to the U.K. for my recklessness and ruining a business deal. Money meant we could survive. My Grand- pa may have been sick but he was the bread winner until his last breathe. People can think what they want about him but he loved me and I love him still and will never forget how he looked after me. I actually get that I was a liability.
I have done an impressive feat of being raped in South Africa , France and maybe another post will be about the time in the U.K. – I’m on a bit of a role here.
Rape is not funny. I have a dry sense of humour and humour has helped me cope in life. Yassin got three years in prison. I received the papers from the courts in France. They thought it was rape. I still feel like I was ‘asking’ for it. I should have known better. Did he get put in jail because he is Algerian and it was more a political slur on race? The conviction rate for France is much higher in the U.K. – I know. I know this post sounds rather impersonal but it is an event I have dealt with. I can talk about it because I have made peace with that part of my life.
I wrote this post because of the post I read earlier on and I read so many other posts of girls who get abused by multiple people and it carries on into their adult years. One abusive man -after the next.This post is me saying – NO. I did not deserve to be raped! Manipulated and threatened to have sex with a perverted man. It was not my fault.