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The suicidal coward.

I’m feeling suicidal

I can’t deny the concoction of escapism acts help keep me in denial.

Too many people looking out for me

I haven’t  had enough time  or privacy to actively find a sure way to make sure I’m undisturbed  absolute in my effort to be free

My daughter deserves better

I can’t connect with her

I’m not blaming anyone else for my failure to join the dots.

A girl succeeded in jumping off suicide bridge in 2019

I wonder if this morning will have an impact on my odds of survival – washed up in the river. The law doesn’t get I don’t want to be saved.

My calculations are all wrong.

 

I’m not doing this because of an income

9 months later after an ESA inquest assessment

And I’m safe till 2022

thanks for letting me know

Government Orange agent.

 

It doesn’t make me  happy to know that I don’t have to show up & prove I’m ill

Everyone else has a hard time at proving they are  beyond  over the mental /psychical capacity hill

They are sick

Why can’t  I CAN’T KEEP MY MIND STILL?

The odds of taking an overdose tonight getting it right are slim.

 

I need to run a warm bath and make sure I hit an artery

let the blood bad

bad blood leave me

Circulate not from within

I should have this right.

I’m in support of the assisted dying law for those whose  aguish is terminal

a mental psyche destroyed with life’s poison.

 

I still haven’t eaten.

This isn’t poetry

I’m borderline convinced I’ve lost the plot. I  told too many people my plans & now I’m living with the consequences.

Keep my daughter safe from me

She deserves to better. I m certain that better is far away from a mind convoluted by past & insight into the mother I am not.

Be happy or die trying You tube series – ItsstillOK2talk

(written in 1st &  3rd person in quotes tbr)

She didn’t know why she felt the need to document her suicide attempt, and post suicide. She says that she genuinely wanted to die. She spent many months angry at her mother, angry and displaced because the doctors told her mother to expect the worst. She had been in ICU for over 8 hours. Her suicide was was not an attempt to hurt anybody especially not her daughter.

She felt it was best for everyone & she couldn’t live with her self & her illnesses any longer. She was in the system of benefits. She had received a PIP claim form to prove she needed some form of income to live on, her daughter’s child tax credits were stopped on Christmas eve 2017. Her mariage had broken down due to erratic behaviour and actions & life stress.

She had to give the go-ahead to the doctor to snow her Aunt with Morphine. She sang to her aunt until the death rattle passed. She watched her grandmother die from vascular Dementia & Alzheimers (over a period of 3 days). She watched her own mother look after her mother until she passed away on Mothers day 2017.

Her wedding day was mixed with joy, stress, emotions & her Anorexia/Bipolar started to manifest in not eating/drinking fluids to make up the 4 hours of the gym she did for 4 years 4 hours every day. She had a cracking body but at what cost?  She holds on to too much guilt -not all her own to own.

She hopes to edit.make cuts of all the footage in a documentary( the good, the bad, the ugly). Why? To help her understand herself.

“When I’m on self destruct I am good at trying to kill myself/allow people to abuse me & lose my way. Albeit slowly through starving myself & ending up in multiple hospitals with Braccardyia and failing organs. ”

She recalls unsuccessfully trying to throw herself off a bridge.
“The police grabbed me as I put out her arms and feet out to jump. ”
The previous night, she had taken an overdose worthy of being at the very least hospitalised however she woke up shocked – alive & devasted.

“Whatever I put my mind to I am a person who ( surprisingly) and through sheer stubbornness who succeeds to my detriment or wellbeing.”

Last year, her psychiatrist of 10 years was moments awayy from sectioning her again. He knows her well. She is usually able to reason & is too honest for her own good at times.

“I was hypomanic and through misusing medication I went into drug-induced psychosis. I didn’t hear things or see things. I had to comply with fortnightly injections. I didn’t want my daughter to think I didn’t love her so that is why I filmed my attempt. I saw no bright light, I heard no ambulance, I don’t recall anything except my disappointment at still being alive.”

She adds,

“I work on my self every day to love myself.

Acknowledging she doesn’t get it right all the time. These videos are not edited nor are they in order. It’s one of her multiple ongoing projects.

“I hope to tie this in with the hard work I did on myself by getting out into the world, volunteering with Mental health charities, writing, getting involved in the creative industry and I realised how much I had to give through experience. I wasn’t stupid. I have qualities people in the mental health & Creative arts sector look for.”

Her mental health deteriorated again. She has been well & she believes she will get well again.

” There are no limits to recovery from an illness. No, they might be terminal or chronic and never go away. We may know we will die from say Cancer. It’s about the quality of life we live while we are still here. I’d rather die at 60 & have done the things I want to than live to an age of 80 -lonely, old, neglected & liability to society.”

 

Cinquain -Batarde!

Fathers

Sons of other mothers

Paternal, protective of those who raised them

Desperate screams, abandoned by their original sires

Bastards!

This is how do it±

1: one syllable (title),line

2: two words describing the title

3: three words relating the action,

line 4: four words expressing the feelings,

line 5: one word recalling the title.ber of syllables i.e. line

I’m supposed to be working but I’m doing anything but….. I thought let’s humiliate myself more ( how low can you go? I couldn’t care less tbh… It helps my mind to do all these silly creative experiments.

So here is hazy daisy “singing” in what appears to be French.

(Trying to get back to speaking French again) I’mnot trying to make money out of it so it is all good! 😉

 I’m lucky to have a husband who loves our daughter like she was his own. She is in everyone’s eyes becuase  the other amoeba literally refused to see her!

Fuck him cos he was a creep & a nutter & disturbed & he pressed EVERY.BUTTON.IN.MY.SOUL.

 I’m pretty doolally, okay. He was insidious and cos I fought back when he was violent or put me down  I got blacker, more yellow, more trips to the hospital. I grew to hate him. And there are not many people I can say I hate. One person -Him.

I focused most of my B.A.  in creative writing getting over his perverse ways and utter lack of respect for me. I graduated with a post-graduate degree in the humanities (high merit) THANKS for the material.

As for Gaz, he used to come with me to contact centres and wait for me while I saw my daughter  for10 hours a week ( for 16 months), I’m often caught off guard at how hands on a Dad he is. Difficult behaviour or not. He truly loves our child. I didn’t think it was possible. He does.

It’s been a tough one today cos my Gaz’s Dad died a few months ago. I tried to ay happy fathers day to my own Dad. My gut feeling is he can’t he be arsed. I’ve been a problem since I was 2years old. my Dad and my stepmom decided when they got married  (over 30 years ago) that they would forget about any previous children. So my stepsister lived with her gran and I lived with my Nan ( and mom and I lived in many different places, countries. And I was extremely unsure of who I could rely on as we all have our issues in life, especially as adults.

I am a Bodley cos my Nan is mind-blowingly switched on 81 years old. She goes to pilates, has a hectic social life and she loves the bones of me & my daughter. She is into the arts and she has never turned her back on me ( for long) 😀

I’m also half of my mom. And I’m happy and I’m proud of my mom. I strive to be more like my mom because she had abuse hurled at her from every direction – my Dad’s side, her side, husbands. My mom has the heart and courage of a lion.

Oh well….. My Mom, nan and my gran and my grandad raised me. I TRULY HOPE HE IS HAVING A GREAT DAY, he is my Dad.

If he taught me two things in life it was:

drugs are okay ( haha) just kidding.

No, he taught me how to party, not bother about what other people thought. He taught me how to fish. And he tried to debate more time for me when I was on holiday in 2004. He taught me that men couldn’t be trusted and he was the second male (after my stepdad) who rejected me because he was happy. He also cried when he found out about soem crazy shit that happened when I was a toddler. So- respect for that fatherly protective feeling. However, fleeting.

Unfortunately, I have a stepmother who hates me( and my mother) and is nasty when she drinks ( but fuck her). She may not now. She is vindictive & I have no time for her polluted mind. I wrote an 80 000 w0rd draft basing one of my characters on her. Thanks!

She is also funny, and a tomboy. And we have had good moments laughing together. I have a sister who I don’t really know how to be connected to her.  She’s jealous of anyone who takes up my Dad’s attention. As long as she is healthy and happy then I wish her the best. My English family are assholes. Except for one great aunt. The rest are mean & so provincial. I don’t know why? Oh, cos I’m different…

FUCK IT!  Anyway… I’ve grown to appreciate bits of  Yorkshire & the culture here, cos my Nan is and great Nan (was a legend ) and I’ve met some amazing friends here who put up with me.

That’s just way it is.

There are brilliant Dad’s out there! And I’ve seen them and you all rock. My Dad can be cool, funny & frustratingly quiet .it’s drawing blood from a stone chatting to him. Maybe he is shy but ff’s  He did win the race to procreate.

Write to recover, be happy or die trying!

It’s all good.