Blog Archives

Coalesce

Don’t give up – don’t give in.

Eyes discover you bloated- vomiting up your own sin.

Brain chess- pawn after pawn is taken unjustly,

Black equality doesn’t matter – cognition will conquer what it desires lustily.

Ivory conquests – impure from the acidic bile.

Caffeine alert – simulate all senses –   the target is common -the biggest bargain ransom.

Flogging a dead horse to a blind, muted soul –  cognitive dissonance –

child sings ‘Out comes the sunshine’  in the disguise of a bloomed blossom.

Wasted life.

Wasted wife.

Wasted mother .

Wasted father.

Wasted land.

Travesty lurks spoof like

 We know it is there

 Feet kicking, hiding behind the sofa, giggling childlike thinks it’s invisible.

Unchain my heart.   Hostel bed sores – shine a light on our plight – save us from This saw hand, marked fallible.

Man-made – pharmaceutical drug lords inject a lethal dose of synthetic Gamma wave stationary by product.

Profiteering – collateral damage – no name – no existence mere condensation trickling down a viaduct.

Fight for your life- for your consciousness .

Throwdown the tools of self-destruction

 only ashes to see here

Phoenix bird eloped with the Dodo bird in Act two.

Aristophanes’s – Greek tragicomedy – bawdiness.

 One character stumbles along a plot that emerged in the opening scene of the frenzied laughter (offstage)

Tame that harlot shrew.

Glasses askew – brightness dulled by 1960 tranquilised   blue smurf salesmen.

What do we know of consequences?

When we seemingly have found an answer to a long-held problem of delirium tremor flashbacks from war apocalypse rehabilitation stint-

Take 911!

Hurry or we will need another corporate shaman.

Worry not – reverse psychology.

Worry a lot – trust in the depth of raising questions in philosophy.

I write with no answers,

intelligible at times.

Wondering how to get back to a well-educated mind

who knew how to rationalize.

splitting images

 There goes a notorious caricature of her former self –  ignoring traffic lights and all her accumulated speeding fines.

Slow-release.

Hat trick

Card trick

Fear of bats

Watch the finest disappearing act,

coalesce.

Fowl poetry

The land of filth cost me more than a life

It cost me a dime

it cost me what stands in front of me nigh

neigh

long withdrawn

foal play

write, write

clap your hands and throw a few bass shapes

Enter the City of funk

the soul has set two tears back for Sunday night’s carafe of wine.

 

Foal don’t play if can’t shake that ass.

A muse in Patron

It don’t matter how many selfies you take.

What matters is if you can accept your own mirror reflection.

No time to flinch.

No time to hesitate.

Free to stride across abundant valleys conjured by a sweeping imagination.

God, when she weeps!

I collect her tears.

Covertly

Thankful for the martyr,

My patron muse.

Crystallized an abundant array of gifts .

Perhaps it is a silhouette…

Perhaps it is a rainbow’s smile illuminating intrinsic hues…

These words could reveal Science’s stuttering staccato voicing his love for nature.

For all her might

For all her brute

Which one is Beauty?

Which is Art?

What if you believed the sky is indeed blue?

The suicidal coward.

I’m feeling suicidal

I can’t deny the concoction of escapism acts help keep me in denial.

Too many people looking out for me

I haven’t  had enough time  or privacy to actively find a sure way to make sure I’m undisturbed  absolute in my effort to be free

My daughter deserves better

I can’t connect with her

I’m not blaming anyone else for my failure to join the dots.

A girl succeeded in jumping off suicide bridge in 2019

I wonder if this morning will have an impact on my odds of survival – washed up in the river. The law doesn’t get I don’t want to be saved.

My calculations are all wrong.

 

I’m not doing this because of an income

9 months later after an ESA inquest assessment

And I’m safe till 2022

thanks for letting me know

Government Orange agent.

 

It doesn’t make me  happy to know that I don’t have to show up & prove I’m ill

Everyone else has a hard time at proving they are  beyond  over the mental /psychical capacity hill

They are sick

Why can’t  I CAN’T KEEP MY MIND STILL?

The odds of taking an overdose tonight getting it right are slim.

 

I need to run a warm bath and make sure I hit an artery

let the blood bad

bad blood leave me

Circulate not from within

I should have this right.

I’m in support of the assisted dying law for those whose  aguish is terminal

a mental psyche destroyed with life’s poison.

 

I still haven’t eaten.

This isn’t poetry

I’m borderline convinced I’ve lost the plot. I  told too many people my plans & now I’m living with the consequences.

Keep my daughter safe from me

She deserves to better. I m certain that better is far away from a mind convoluted by past & insight into the mother I am not.

Be happy or die trying You tube series – ItsstillOK2talk

(written in 1st &  3rd person in quotes tbr)

She didn’t know why she felt the need to document her suicide attempt, and post suicide. She says that she genuinely wanted to die. She spent many months angry at her mother, angry and displaced because the doctors told her mother to expect the worst. She had been in ICU for over 8 hours. Her suicide was was not an attempt to hurt anybody especially not her daughter.

She felt it was best for everyone & she couldn’t live with her self & her illnesses any longer. She was in the system of benefits. She had received a PIP claim form to prove she needed some form of income to live on, her daughter’s child tax credits were stopped on Christmas eve 2017. Her mariage had broken down due to erratic behaviour and actions & life stress.

She had to give the go-ahead to the doctor to snow her Aunt with Morphine. She sang to her aunt until the death rattle passed. She watched her grandmother die from vascular Dementia & Alzheimers (over a period of 3 days). She watched her own mother look after her mother until she passed away on Mothers day 2017.

Her wedding day was mixed with joy, stress, emotions & her Anorexia/Bipolar started to manifest in not eating/drinking fluids to make up the 4 hours of the gym she did for 4 years 4 hours every day. She had a cracking body but at what cost?  She holds on to too much guilt -not all her own to own.

She hopes to edit.make cuts of all the footage in a documentary( the good, the bad, the ugly). Why? To help her understand herself.

“When I’m on self destruct I am good at trying to kill myself/allow people to abuse me & lose my way. Albeit slowly through starving myself & ending up in multiple hospitals with Braccardyia and failing organs. ”

She recalls unsuccessfully trying to throw herself off a bridge.
“The police grabbed me as I put out her arms and feet out to jump. ”
The previous night, she had taken an overdose worthy of being at the very least hospitalised however she woke up shocked – alive & devasted.

“Whatever I put my mind to I am a person who ( surprisingly) and through sheer stubbornness who succeeds to my detriment or wellbeing.”

Last year, her psychiatrist of 10 years was moments awayy from sectioning her again. He knows her well. She is usually able to reason & is too honest for her own good at times.

“I was hypomanic and through misusing medication I went into drug-induced psychosis. I didn’t hear things or see things. I had to comply with fortnightly injections. I didn’t want my daughter to think I didn’t love her so that is why I filmed my attempt. I saw no bright light, I heard no ambulance, I don’t recall anything except my disappointment at still being alive.”

She adds,

“I work on my self every day to love myself.

Acknowledging she doesn’t get it right all the time. These videos are not edited nor are they in order. It’s one of her multiple ongoing projects.

“I hope to tie this in with the hard work I did on myself by getting out into the world, volunteering with Mental health charities, writing, getting involved in the creative industry and I realised how much I had to give through experience. I wasn’t stupid. I have qualities people in the mental health & Creative arts sector look for.”

Her mental health deteriorated again. She has been well & she believes she will get well again.

” There are no limits to recovery from an illness. No, they might be terminal or chronic and never go away. We may know we will die from say Cancer. It’s about the quality of life we live while we are still here. I’d rather die at 60 & have done the things I want to than live to an age of 80 -lonely, old, neglected & liability to society.”