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One element of me

  First appearances people see the peak of an iceberg
I’m frosty, aloof and alas, on occasion I am mean.
                                   GRRRRRRR.

If a person wishes to explore more of my make up they’ll find layered depths of frenetic intensity.
I have secrets of a history spanning over decades often feeling I’ve lived for centuries.
Am I immortal?
I’m merely human, don’t you see?

Occasionally, my demeanour melts at the sight of past enemies.
I’ve learned to be durable
Have the strength to endure a life span of over three decades.
An incredible feat, don’t you agree?

When poorly I’m cold
Under the sunshine, I bask in the glory
Honoured to feel;
Honoured to acknowledge I too have victories.

Oft I catch people off guard with bursting shouts, Look at my glee!

Inner confidence harks, Don’t underestimate me!


Many moon cycles left behind in the dark.
Startled by spring to be reborn
Nature is cruel
Thoughts of how can I summon up the will to carry on?

Life drags on a lit cigarette hope rapidly distinguishes
The light I can barely see.


Life stamp me out,
a frazzled repressive voice alien to the world.
This is how I feel!

A weedy, nondescript Daisy,
If it turns a head to the sunshine I bloom into a true flower
radiant; carefree

Wild and untameable.

I was born to be free
I wasn’t born to conform to the expectations of some society.
 

It’s complicated.

Will you?

Will I?

Yes, wouldn’t you..?

Wouldn’t I?

What I mean to say is….Will you? Please ……

What are you doing?

Erm…… Doing?

Yes… Down there. I tower over you enough when you aren’t half bent and crooked…

Half bent? What is that supposed to mean?

Half bent! You have that look… that thing those people -how do you say it?- Oh, I don’t know airy and breezy…

Is this a joke? Are you really enjoying this?

I would ask you the same question. Last time I checked you were not the person I see before me…

And what person is that? 

Not this – it’s so ………….so ………… unnatural. For you, I mean.

Well, I know I’ve never been conservative but unnatural?

Rather liberal I would say. 

Ma Cherie, Will you? 

Will, I what? 

Will you come down to my level of thinking?

Are you sure you are not possessed?

I think you have confused me with some character. I’m not quite sure what it is you imply…

Look!  I will come down to your level and tarnish my finery, on one condition…

Anything. of course!

Ask me the question again?

The..  Which one?

Oh the heavens, this will never wash out -the first one!

Oh, of course. Will you?

I will…

You will – this is just marvellous!

if…

If what? I beseech thee.

If I say I will: will you promise to remain the Gayest fiance there was ever born?

Gayest? Have you lost you….. I am a full-blooded Alpha. Is this a joke?

No. 

No. Just No.

If I say I will -will you continue to be the Gayest man I have ever seen?

Well, my love. Don’t mind if I get up off my knees- I need to think about this.

I said yes, I  will!

You are mocking me.

No. I love to see the way you look at me – T’is the gayest I have seen you yet.

Dear Lord! 

Will you? , it is just Darling.

I think, ma Cherie. I think I need to, uh, communicate a little better..

If you say you will, you may kiss me.

If I may say….. K- cos I  b like MindFuck. gotta chillax with my bros in a mo, my answer is mb. 

MB? Another mighty bastard

(Doesn’t it suck that we use text lingo instead of proper language these days)

 

Cinquain -Batarde!

Fathers

Sons of other mothers

Paternal, protective of those who raised them

Desperate screams, abandoned by their original sires

Bastards!

This is how do it¬Ī

1: one syllable (title),line

2: two words describing the title

3: three words relating the action,

line 4: four words expressing the feelings,

line 5: one word recalling the title.ber of syllables i.e. line

I’m supposed to be working but I’m doing anything but….. I thought let’s humiliate myself more ( how low can you go? I couldn’t care less tbh… It helps my mind to do all these silly creative experiments.

So here is hazy daisy “singing” in what appears to be French.

(Trying to get back to speaking French again) I’mnot trying to make money out of it so it is all good! ūüėČ

 I’m lucky to have a husband who loves our daughter like she was his own. She is in everyone’s eyes becuase  the other amoeba literally refused to see her!

Fuck him cos he was a creep & a nutter & disturbed & he pressed EVERY.BUTTON.IN.MY.SOUL.

 I’m pretty doolally, okay. He was insidious and cos I fought back when he was violent or put me down  I got blacker, more yellow, more trips to the hospital. I grew to hate him. And there are not many people I can say I hate. One person -Him.

I focused most of my B.A.  in creative writing getting over his perverse ways and utter lack of respect for me. I graduated with a post-graduate degree in the humanities (high merit) THANKS for the material.

As for Gaz, he used to come with me to contact centres and wait for me while I saw my daughter  for10 hours a week ( for 16 months), I’m often caught off guard at how hands on a Dad he is. Difficult behaviour or not. He truly loves our child. I didn’t think it was possible. He does.

It’s been a tough one today cos my Gaz’s Dad died a few months ago. I tried to ay happy fathers day to my own Dad. My gut feeling is he can’t he be arsed. I’ve been a problem since I was 2years old. my Dad and my stepmom decided when they got married  (over 30 years ago) that they would forget about any previous children. So my stepsister lived with her gran and I lived with my Nan ( and mom and I lived in many different places, countries. And I was extremely unsure of who I could rely on as we all have our issues in life, especially as adults.

I am a Bodley cos my Nan is mind-blowingly switched on 81 years old. She goes to pilates, has a hectic social life and she loves the bones of me & my daughter. She is into the arts and she has never turned her back on me ( for long) ūüėÄ

I’m also half of my mom. And I’m happy and I’m proud of my mom. I strive to be more like my mom because she had abuse hurled at her from every direction – my Dad’s side, her side, husbands. My mom has the heart and courage of a lion.

Oh well….. My Mom, nan and my gran and my grandad raised me. I TRULY HOPE HE IS HAVING A GREAT DAY, he is my Dad.

If he taught me two things in life it was:

drugs are okay ( haha) just kidding.

No, he taught me how to party, not bother about what other people thought. He taught me how to fish. And he tried to debate more time for me when I was on holiday in 2004. He taught me that men couldn’t be trusted and he was the second male (after my stepdad) who rejected me because he was happy. He also cried when he found out about soem crazy shit that happened when I was a toddler. So- respect for that fatherly protective feeling. However, fleeting.

Unfortunately, I have a stepmother who hates me( and my mother) and is nasty when she drinks ( but fuck her). She may not now. She is vindictive & I have no time for her polluted mind. I wrote an 80 000 w0rd draft basing one of my characters on her. Thanks!

She is also funny, and a tomboy. And we have had good moments laughing together. I have a sister who I don’t really know how to be connected to her.  She’s jealous of anyone who takes up my Dad’s attention. As long as she is healthy and happy then I wish her the best. My English family are assholes. Except for one great aunt. The rest are mean & so provincial. I don’t know why? Oh, cos I’m different…

FUCK IT!  Anyway… I’ve grown to appreciate bits of  Yorkshire & the culture here, cos my Nan is and great Nan (was a legend ) and I’ve met some amazing friends here who put up with me.

That’s just way it is.

There are brilliant Dad’s out there! And I’ve seen them and you all rock. My Dad can be cool, funny & frustratingly quiet .it’s drawing blood from a stone chatting to him. Maybe he is shy but ff’s  He did win the race to procreate.

Write to recover, be happy or die trying!

It’s all good.

 

P.S. I’d do it again in a heart beat

*Prompt FORBIDDEN LOVE*

Forbidden love shell-shock hearts with echoes of the gun shots .

Bang!

Fall to the floor .

Emotions mastery of us;

The puppets.

 

Universal soldiers we plea the heart must be acquiesce .

Ration it’s rational .

It’s bled blood red.

We walk‚Ää‚ÄĒ‚Ääfine machines-

 

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

 

Trivialise the flesh armour riddled with holes

Glimpsing sight of gleaming ivory bones.

Savage howls at  muscles contracting   into  contorted wounds.

Turn on the cannibals of Lust.

Devour us they must.

 

Tokoloshe monster

Neither height nor a warm bed will keep the heart away from

The obsessive frenzy of orchestrated, sexual slumber.

 

Denial of sacred sensory codes embedded within

¬†Mind will saunter in¬† Possessed‚Ää‚ÄĒ

Create a haunting soundscape of phantasmagoria.

 

Convince us that  forbidden love is worth the loss

Of Not only the Super Ego or the Ego but the Id‚Ää‚ÄĒ

That’s three parts of you or me.

 

Never regret times spent close to another body‚Ää‚ÄĒ‚Äächemistry is divine.

Aphrodite’s Divine presence

Unwraps our Im-pulses to climax to a primal rhythm .

Kindred spirits simultaneously reach the peak of a shared orgasm ‚ÄĒ

The body can’t hide from the  demon soul  inside .

 

Heads up

A coin has two sides.

Heads or Tails – it’s crazy¬†how we let fate decide how ¬†our life will transpire.

Fate. Mate. It’s ¬†all overrated – celebrity ,drug addicted ,dead skateboarder¬†– cremated ashes arise from the livings tears-earths most selfish empire.

Hawks is a brand name. I find his business methods something left to be desired.

Underhanded- an opportunist.

Monotone. All alone.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

If we don’t speak we will never have our say.

Seems obvious right? ¬†Don’t hold it all inside – don’t delay – make¬†a ¬†good go at it ¬†and relay.

Play the violin, a piano. Instrumental sounds. Rap  beats- car sounds reverberating Рrunners paving the tarmac with their well-trained feet.

Musical – emotional .

I ‘m touched¬†by what I hear. It moves my soul quicker than all the gold or silver in the world.

My words serve to validate all that I seek when I am feeling somewhat  unworthy.

Why do we undervalue ourselves ?

the ones who should sign a cheque to  get a  re-evaluation Рgo up in our own self-estimation.

Destination.

Uncurl your fingers – point in whatever direction the wind blows, just walk wherever your finger lands, you can always change your mind if you hear the squawking of black crows.

It’s all there – in our head.

our heart.

We are a work of seraphic art.

Goals achieved ?Celebrate them . Flaunt them -don’t sit there with your head in your hands full- tearfully ¬†grieving. You must not be deceived.

Keeper.

Sweeper.

Chimney poison ivy creeper.

Santa has decided to go for the crimson look for yet another year РWhat   a heathen!

Life is a miracle . Look at your child Рturning  five , thirteen ,sixteen , eighteen.

I don’t care if she decides to run with ¬†the LGBT¬†team or ¬†swap cuticle tips with ¬†the ¬†latest ¬†Hollywood¬†cream queen.

Happiness. Her individuality. Her style. Her choice.

Role model. Demonstrate .Affection. Reciprocate.

Infectious . Laughter – stars above – ¬†sit, wide-mouthed, in awe . Blessed to have sight. I’m not Stevie¬†wonder.

True, some say  he was talented but he was not me.

I too am Original .

I too am visional.

Create.

Debate.

Open your mind to  the possibility that money is nothing but worthless of your  valuable time, scavenging around under the bed mattress, in hope of clocking an epic find.

It’s all relative.

That’s what the judge said.

In proportion to Age.

The solicitor offended his honour in his  own chambers,  pulling the ageist card to a venerable man .

His honourable threatened the organisation to pay out Рheadless chickens  running around, not enough eggs or battery farms. Overfed   already   underfunded.

 Hegemony -sums in deficit- terminally  defunct.

send them back to the Flinstones era .

Exile Рa  yabba dabba doo ban.

Regret nothing.

Embrace every compliment, every kindness , every soft touch.

For you ¬†don’t have a clue just how much you have to offer,

just how much you  give to so and so and such and such.

Disorganise?

Reorganise .

Make a treasure map – Find a weather app.

What do you  value? Does it make you happy?

Elevator music- always smells  of corporate candy  -a  chihuahua  at your ankles, constantly  snapping.

Don’t blend in. Stand out. Be fierce, Be proud. You’ve¬†come far.

The underdog title has got a new replacement.

Now, don’t hesitate. Don’t¬†fear. Take that hair-raising ¬†step . Success is attracted to you ¬†like static – you don’t need a lint roller to wipe away all of you. You’ve worked¬†– you ¬†have put in the time.

 Look at  your face!  amazement.

I know we  all battle. Not every day is full of sunshine.

Colours change. People fade away. Some people stay the same. Dismal,but¬†that’s not your problem.

You are here to honour your rightful place next to your fellow man , women Рindeed even that  sodding goblin.

Two sides of the coin. No, you don’t ¬†have to flip it like a burger. ¬†You have a choice. You always have a choice.

To give power – to give your free will away to chance – heads or tails .

It’s unbalanced , unnatural¬†. Shed away the ¬†archaic scales.

You are in control even when  you are on automatic.

let’s wrap this soCs up and ¬†affirm¬†how hard you’ve worked -you have every right to celebrate your achievements. Stare people in the eyes – make sure that ¬†they are on your level.

Tell them -Let them all know.

Yes.  I am. 

Yes. I did. 

Yes. I will.

When you do decide  where it is  that you are headed for next on the chessboard . Sing, dance ,shout -do a jig Рdo it your way.

Make sure you are emphatic, Charlie Chaplin  style or  simply be over dramatic.

THANK YOU TO LIND  G. FOR THE WORD PROMPT :COIN 

Check out her Blog here 

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Street life #soCs

Anno Domini, episodic moments of yore.

Excalibur sword wielding, mind-bender moments – mind your step and hit the dance floor.

Decadent, whisky on the rocks, Drugs fresh from the Durban harbour  docks.

Uncut,  fresh,this shit gets you in a state of euphoria that makes you a natural at dancing the charleston without spilling a sip.

Ice cool , candy flip – time to get a grip.

Eyes close, pass the ball to a fellow game player.

Eyes open Рthe dancefloor has become a  party of howling werewolves in clothes ,time to  shake hands with the new  mayor.

Heart palpitations Рthis is no comic strip . Pushing past the  furred crowd, talking animals in their lairs .

A hit of  oxygen to the lungs Рknocks away  the culpable  house with its cymbal, progressive climb up the winding stairs.

Walk into a  potential crime scene Рapparently, a runner  doing his job running Рhis boss not far behind him.

He falls to his knees Рmercy -covers his head. A steely glint of a revolver aimed-  to the back of his head, ready blow him into Infiniti tum

Deities break out through the stars.  One last chance for this soul to retrace his steps and get creative, cough up not shades of red  but sprightly    hues of   fresh Mint .

Apollo  wakes up  long enough to gives the  thumbs up and then goes back to  a golden age of sleep.

The beats  will consume my soul again Рthis  vessel  will not become a  nazi graffitied derelict.

 Gulping  down sugary drinks.

Recovering from nearly hurtling  into a  trip- blindingly.

A mole hole, abyss-  deep.

Music, life is my school , my community , my church.

 The orphans , the lost , the ones called ET who wanted to have a place  to call home.

We had to put up with the freaks coming out ,once in a while Рogres, pixies,  a dreadlocked gnome.

Education doesn’t have to start in an institution¬†called school with a ‘YOU must think this.’ ¬†mentality.

Where Black people are called ¬†‘Kaffirs’ – ‘they are simple’ – learn the truth early on.

Gunshot Рstart running at an age of  infantility.

The street life takes you around twists and turns.

Left , right , left again.

 HOW do you want to think?

Why do you think this way?

Drop out, dirty stop out, learnt more about how to protect myself Рwhen I had to defend myself  against 5 skelme tearaways Рhalf baked under a drug sway.

Wasted lives,

wasted dreams.

Time has been kind so it has been worth every second-  even the tortured screams that have come out from me.

The years have gone by – damaged ,

omniscient,

 played ,

player ,

yearned ,

yearner –

the most blessed scat cat to come out of the debris.

The indulgent wool gatherer

Let us sit here for a second , right here on top of this lush hill.

Pause, for a moment and think about life and what we want to do – explore how we feel.

Lie down ,sprawl out  our arms and legs like star fish and gaze up into the sky.

Cloud gazing- can you see we reflect one of those red dwarf stars, we can see at nigh?

Let’s see what we can find in our future  before the clouds pass along.

They move far too quickly, our imagination needs to be strong.

We don’t always have to live in the ghetto.

We could pack up  our bags and travel the world , live hand to mouth with a  more energetic flow.

Learn different languages, eat fine food, dive off cliffs into  the ocean – wanting to live and win.

The reason very much different to how you wanted to end it on Hollin’s lane on the island of ‘Gyve inn’.

Second by second is passing us by.

We could get a move  on – leave all this materialistic waste lying  just here.

We just take ourselves and book a flight to anywhere -all we need is our combined heart and minds to see things more clear.

Bah!

Bah! 

Bah! 

Bah!

Bah!

What a great game. You do an excellent impression of a sheep, mon cherie.

Okay my turn ……

Arms prop up on elbows, Blonde curls and a mouth seemingly dipped in honey,

looks at the man and those bee sting lips are guarded by  all seeing drones.

What is the matter, my little sparrow?

You look at me with such warrant arrest,like we have only just met – you look straight past me like I am not even here.  Of course we can stay in touch with our loved ones  and take our cellphones.

‘I have a game”, says she, eyes dark, exposing true twinkling  stars.

The man forgets to breathe his head fully intoxicated like he has spent the day tumbling out of various bars.

“Walk over to those sheep – there! and I will tell you then what it is you next have to do.”

Slightly fazed but not wanting to show it – he heaves himself up and approaches the sheep with a hesitant  brazenness-

“Erm well – hello to you and ewe.”

He turns around to listen to the next part of his task.

His little buttercup opens her mouth , urging him  on to stroke the sheep.

Hesitatingly, he laughs when he starts to pet one and it lets out a great bleep.

Laughter emanates from  the couple, meets in the air, merge -dancing cheek to cheek -finally a caress.

The lady starts to announce she has something she would like to address.

Obligingly, the man will hear anything she wishes to confess.

“It’s all very romantic this talk of living a better life.

‘I can see it happening  -‘

‘Yes, I can see this happening. Me standing next to you  – I would love to be your wife.”

The man continues to stroke the sheep ,looks at the tufts falling away in his hands , looks down in horror.

Lady continues –

“if you were as half as good at taking action than talking like you are the  confirmed lead in every conceived theatre production of tomorrow…

I look around and see trees but alas, no money.

It’s all very well to sit and fantasise with you, when it is bright and sunny.

Well, I see a  much truer future with you – you have such a skill,indulging on your feet.- even if you are slightly heady and staggering.

I foresee a better  future for us -one with more purpose – by all means  continue with  these notions  of yours- not in  part but as a  full time career  in wool gathering.”

*TRYING TO INCREASE MY VOCABULARY*

WANT TO HAVE A GO?

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Definitions forwoolgathering

  1. indulgence in idle fancies and in daydreaming;absentmindedness: His woolgathering was ahandicap in school.

  2. gathering of the tufts of wool shed by sheepand caught on bushes.

DICTIONARY.COM

SPECIAL THANKS TO LINDA G. HILL’S #soCS -always inspiring.    

This, like all my work, is mostly free flow writing. I don’t really do much planning when I write.

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: ‚Äúsecond.‚ÄĚ Use it any way you‚Äôd like. Have fun!

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