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My thoughts on escaping the past

Bahtuhkid · my thoughts about the past

When I think I’ve escaped the past

I know my Ma doesn’t drink alcohol and she Sort of kicked me out without kicking my ass.

My daughter cried

Tatiana didn’t meow

I came back to the place where I thought I would relapse

I went to buy cat food

shop was closed

memories of that drug dealer who shine bright with implanted teeth

£4000 inclusive holiday

I could have gnashed

Instead, I congratulated him for his holly wood smile with panache.

Using my money to fulfill another dream — one more ticked off his bucket list

It’s so sad

I’m back in the house

haunted by ghosts of the past.

Mother wouldn’t let me in

steam off on a legal poison

Get Sleep with Prosecco & a gin with a 60 pence glass.

Daughter cried I packed my bags

I saw her cry for our cat

I packed up all my bags

And walked out like an immature twocker

with a dirty rash.

DIDI WANT TO SCORE THE GREATEST OF THE GREATEST OF SNIFF?

Nah, all I wanted was freedom & to sleep without alcohol and illegal grass or bash.

Here I sit in darkness not happy to be back.

I have a packet of lamberts and Prosecco I’m NOT interested in drinking until I’m befokkered.

I won’t sleep

Forever forgotten all thoughts that made me  high

Making drug dealers run for corruption, greed, and bite so compared to ash Wednesday like sinners driving by.

My bee she cried for my Tatiana

I left

 Guilt came flooding for sleep in a bed

where my inner whore rode the men who treat me like trash

Except for my soul mate …

He told me to fuck off and I gladly said

Fuck you

Went to the shop

Closed

no

cat food.

Found spring water tuna-I

Felt Less guilty

felt less crass.

Went against the momma bears rule.

I’m a wildflower with an instinct to rebel from life rules.

THE FALLEN ANGEL WITH INVISIBLE WINGS

If chickens could fly  higher I’d fly higher than the dragon from the land of sniff  ready to rape

& Chase

fOr an extra taste.

In coma 5 days x another  5

In a coma, I remembered the alien abduction

Their torture made me atone to live life differently

I’d even believe in mom’s anointment of Jesus Christ.

Thorns of roses

Thorns of self-destruction.

Alone with my cat — my husband won’t come back-

My child is probably still crying.

I’m alone again

I can’t complain

This was my choice.

I want to sleep

Dream of  our family home

help those who shouldn’t live a history worse than orphans blurred vision live on the African continent

Not their decision.

*written on 13 June at 11 pm.  2020 ( today is 29th June and still wanting to Live)

I didn’t relapse. I didn’t want to get high. I had a drink because I needed to sleep and I’m on sleeping medication 5 days a week out of 7. I’ve asked my doctor to take me off 15 mg of Nitrazepam that I had been since 2007.

It three weeks since I tried to take my life and nearly succeeded, maybe Life is not finished with me yet because my family were told to prepare  for my death, brain damage or me being paralyzed*

Second Life- Mort tell et tea

 

* This Borderline poem was written a week before I attempted to take my life (again).I ended up in Critical Care  in a coma for 5 days & in ICU for a further 6 days. I was discharged from hospital on the 21st of May 2020 *

 

Please, make sense of  reality.

Use a stream of consciousness

words to vent,

rant,

rave,

A discovery in recovery

 Fathom out sense because words are only as good as the interpreter.

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 Could add literary success to a Gravatar profile  in  an ebook

Add few drafts poured into that fulminate crunched up chaos.

This doesn’t invoke a feeling of literary success.

Trying

Struggling to convey all words .

Reciprocated words are often misinterpreted

Misheard

Another attempt  to convey these words

Perhaps one person will see this array of affray spread its torment defecating the inner spiral case of the

Mind,

It swirls descends these steps in every way.

The moment to call it a day

This draws an outline forever have to have the last say.

Hear me proclaim

This

Is

My

Life.

Don’t want to carry on living this way

Shame lingers

It overstays — the bailiff  texts for rent arrears

Read,

What is laid down?

Listen

I’m not done yet.

 

 Hanging by a thread it’s tethered

Seen many days to identify as weathered

 Hanging by a thread

This is my life purpose!

Final chance to  meet my fate

Waited for this all my life

A  mystery date with a severed soul mate.

 

Taught & tethered & weathered is this rope

To late

 convinced

I’m no tight rope walker.

I’ve become my own word stalker

Shoulda, coulda, woulda arrested these rants before my digress

 

Covert corner

Wait in this hidden corner.

 

Evidently I’ve learned that survival is innate.

It ain’t easy to digest the days I’m not blessed to eat from a plate.

 keep rising up despite a life times worth of trip-ups.

 

Until I die

One fine day

I’ll face the final exit of my mortality

 

I’ll know the truth

Either way it’s gonna end up with a body

Fatality.

Subconsciously  know why I feel

It’s called humanity

What do I know about that  damp dark corner entertaining souls I’ve yet to meEt?

Going to have to wait for a future promising chance we haven’t dreamt of taking yet.

If I lose all memory

 Forget those words  

soggy, wet, lost to another realm of the bereft

Lest I forget.

I write to recover.

Be happy or die trying.

 

Simultaneously a resilient species & inconveniently inept

 

 

 

Inksters Milking it

Dedicated to the gangsters inksters of the writing world.
A lifetime member of sudden death writer collective.
Butter them up to increase traffic
 then render them defective.
Noble people not saying what they do. It’s a performance of sorts.
It screams out – this scene has been played out far too many times.
Fucking over a person should be seen in the outdated queue.
What people do to advance their station.
Dishonest injustice.
I hold a person to their words – hence this unforeseen faction.
Beware of compliments paid by rubber silicone lips.
Not everyone understands that stars like Mick jagger don’t screw over those just for kicks.
I’m out of your game.
I am sharper and know your words scream dissident whore.
Sell yourself out to whoever seems to make more of a racket.
What happened to good ole fashioned honesty?
You fit well into the conglomeration Trump bracket.
Direct devices – mouthpiece – save your screams for another.
Fraudsters and clear ass wipers.
Bleached out.
 your ink will never see the light of day. Offended is the weed who loathes the fickleness of the collective of neigh
Sayers
sleuth
Take your numbers and deduce the ifs and the buts,
when all will recognize your true form.
The traitors to writers –  don’t teach our youth this  malpractice – unethical abuse
Power does not come in numbers -it comes from your convictions.
Surround yourself with rats jumping ship as soon as a comet brightens  Haley’s rights.
I say raise your words. This is just what I have done.
I am not a springboard to increase you, smite tribe.
I leave you to  unravel  your cohorts when you have  exhausted their  ink and deemed them a humdrum
I am not yours to use.
 

 

It’s only fear, flower

Someone once told me, there is nothing to fear except fear itself. Well, obviously… I thought to myself.

Then I grew up & came up against many obstacles and challenges- Fear itself. I became afraid of it.

It led me to self-doubt, self-destructive behaviour, self-denial &

ignorance.

 It led to this moment -many moments like this something left behind in the past.

The future has always something to fear.

F.eel

E. motions

E. very day to

R.eveal the undiscovered.

(and eventually, recover).

I just wrote that -easy peasy -now time to feel the fear or become a part of this monstrosity.

Fear is about discovery – take the good and the bad.

So, I think to myself,ride the wave till I see the right side of fear.

An unruly pet -temporarily subdued, happy to indulge me.

Until time nudges me to wake up, clean, feed, love & encourage it to grow to

Challenge it so it can challenge me.

A Symbiotic relationship.

On the other side is where I find what/who is worth it.

Another monster unleashed?

Or a character carved with an adornment perhaps another chip symbolising its resilience? its temerity?

Something I’m proud of ? or something I  just accept is a part of me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell him that..

The most fulfilling start to this month is being able to tell him- another social parasite to fuck off.

Tell him that

He disgusts me & then feel the power of letting go the relationship & blocking him.

A bruised ego like his would not forgive so easily.

The further away these toxic people are out of my life

The closer I am to fulfilling the life my family & I deserve.

Small steps.

Life.

Make each day count.

How do you get through dark moments in your life?

Just wondering…

I don’t want to be in your soul tribe

Here she comes

Me -the late bloomer

I have a revelation words matter circa 2015.

ALL WORDS MATTER.

Let me try and type something with substance

Words have power.

We

collectively should choose our words carefully.

Don’t stop talking.

hashtag it’s still okay to talk.

start a difficult conversation.

Mental health is here for as long as we humans are.

For real…

Stop with the sincerely Stan – suicidal fan stereotyping –

Passive aggressive greeting -Hello hunties

Yes I have a cunt and I won’t let any man hunt me -unless he is prepared to be chased too.

How can we all be so woke when

we stilll choose to believe in fake news?

People love to give blow jobs on other peoples words.

Most people swallow and don’t spit.

Retweet it to keep it 100.

can we put a value on integrity?

Words matter -when we stand up for our belief to break away from the mould.

Open mic night’s expressions should be honoured by doing our words -over and over.

Especially when people aren’t watching.

Show and tell how to walk the talk.

Match a wage bet — that another brother’s claims of little Miss trouble are too high key.

It’s okay to talk.

Tupac once said

real eyes

realize

real lies

People should see before they make a judgement.

express yourself – in the social accepted way –

Aspire to appear lowkey?

All these quotes about

Keep your personal business to yourself. –

then do a 180 and take the ” power back”.

A calculated performance

reveal you know how to manipulate words – with barely legal finesse.

Hashtag wars still matter.

Use language for positive change.

Talk.

Start a difficult conversation.

Think about your fellow patient in the opposite bed.

Why does she haveresting bitch face syndrome ?

Why does she stare at back after you state

‘That feeling when you feel like Briney spears circa 2007?

oh you have problems – you slit your wrists – oh how savage – roll of the eyes.

Let’s get creative with our words.

affected by a mental illness.

infected…..

Lives with a mental illness ?

or suffers from a mental illness?

How savage (roll of eyes)

These labels – – schizophrenics. Bipolar , psychotic

2018 is the year where Everyone wants to be insane 😉

the reason to be a certain way is the new aesthetic

or an excuse

to be lowkey about our true shame and high key about superficial hurt not to lure in the Stans.

Whose that?

It’s not relevent as long as I get approval from my fam or

my Sis from another Miss.

We are more than a tick boxed list of criteria.

We are complex humans , with diverse traits and interests.

Who is that? Over there- making a statement.

Crazy

psycho

nuts

lunatic

Not relevant – That there is just some extra.

insignificant

to you;

Not part of the true fam –

Is this how we wish people to feel?

Insignificant!

For all the RT’ers out there who love to share,

Share your own personal story.

The world will become a place where you are lit by your integrity.

Not everyone can relate to the G.O.A.T.’s

with swagger.

We probably are pretty for real when we embrace our bromances and our militant feminists.

True power is being woke enough to see the ethic in bringing out the G.O.A.T. in EVERYONE of us.

We can all be be lowkey.

we are all fam.

I’m not going to say its cool to call my new ‘ship interest- Dad.

Words matter

and the lack of them.

What we don’t say .. is a statement of power.

Spoken word – maybe we all have inner dictator waiting to stand up and be heard.

I don’t know how we can claim to be so woke when everything we do is to death.

What am I going on about?

Apologies for this is the mix in slang –

I’m not pedantic … I am keeping my integrity – my code of of ethics.

If we are going to talk and be true about our feelings – Remember that the words we use to connect on a level can out you as a hypocrite –

Words matter because they help us communicate and relate with a diverse bunch of people who may end up feeling like family more than your own Dad or sis.

Communication can cause dis -ease – challenge our own self awareness;

Not because you the go to p[person to get the latest scoop on someone else in life detention.

Its cool to be high key about not fitting the mould –

Embrace the idea that to be holistic is not going to conform to your method of living –

for real.

WE don’t have to be conventionally spiritual to have faith.

Well-being of the mind and body is the G.O.A.T.

– the power –

the perfect ratio.

Sometimes we fall – human after all ..

I guess

When we outcast others for assuming their make up

judging every part of them based on an undemocratic vote of what a person’s true disposition is.

How fair and unbiased are our Hugh key views when we don’t have the whole picture?

That moonscape – that attitude is a predisposition to sus and ghost others because of their diversity.

We spit words , stand up for diversity and equality –

Express ourselves through didactic verse.

Congratulate our selves on our ethics- to embrace the variety of our culture.

The irony is what we say and do,

What we day we are going to do.

And what we do when confronted with someone who is different and not facile two understand.

How quick we are to turn into heartless bastards and turn away from our own race.

Everyone is quick to look at the other person.

I Don’t see colour .. I’m not racist

I don’t discriminate, I’m well up for equality.

“Look at those tits!”

“She looks well up for it.”

“crazy, cheating man hating bitch.”

“disrespecting my bro..”

Consult the bro code.

This divine, esoteric oracle states that she was asking for it.

She’s trouble.

Aaah aaah aaah baah

True story – a woman lived under apartheid then came to live in the patriarchal society of English gentry. Shes spoke up for herself – acted like a dude -how dare she!

Embraced the spoken word and unashamedly campaigned for the right that it is truly ok to talk.

Segreted cos she is diverse and predispositioned to speak her mind, she made as many fuck ups as the people she met and spent time with.

She decided to end her life with

these words

I don’t don’t give a fuck, I know the world is bigger than a few small minded ,feeble gossips who use their words to bond

I died to reborn .

I answer to nature not people.

Deficit Wordsmith

It’s hard to be a wordsmith

when  brain cells  are deficit in cursive

I strain to see the letters

I  see I want to get betters.

If these are the only words I write

Today, a   better ‘morrow insight.

Thoughts about Human rights

If you believe in justice,  a fair government,  equality and you have ever enjoyed my posts on here.

PLEASE -read this

Hope. you all had a great Christmas. This may explain (in part) why I haven’t had the time to read as many blogs as I usually do.

T

The saying a picture tells a thousand words doesn’t seem to tell the true story about what is going on beyond one captured picture.

It doesn’t convey domestic abuse, self-harm or the self-harm witnessed, a mother’s mental health on the brink of being sectioned – trying maintain ‘the perfect mother’ image – she has portrayed for 6 years.

FYI there are no perfect mothers.

It doesn’t show a woman doing everything in her power to piece together her life, protect her child from harm, it doesn’t show THIS WOMAN asking her own mother to look after her child for 4 weeks, because this mother knew her mental health was declining.

This picture doesn’t show the abuse and social media troll comments she endured trying to fix up her home, trashed by her ex-husband.

It doesn’t show a mother trying to finish her final year of her Masters in Creative writing with the Open University.

It doesn’t portray an image of a person trying to prove to her community that she is still in the right frame of mind to volunteer and set up a workshop with a Mental health charity (in her community).

It doesn’t show how she self-medicated and thought about disappearing. It doesn’t show how she sought out help and signposted herself to every place she could find to help her and her child.

It doesn’t show how she looked to a mental health charity she had previously volunteered with to ask about advice regarding the government (without warning) stopping her child tax credits.

It doesn’t show this woman going to a food bank and having to decline most of the canned goods because her daughter is a fussy eater and this woman has a diagnosed illness of chronic anorexia, and bipolar

It doesn’t show the pain and betrayal this woman felt when her colleague from the mental health charity alerted social services. There was no mention of her concern for this woman’s child in the conversations they had.

This picture doesn’t show the raging, passionate, warrior fight mode of a woman who fought for her rights.

It doesn’t show a person who is resourceful, emphatic, honest, heartbroken, human, sensitive, passionate and willful.

It doesn’t show a woman who has a habit of choosing partners who rely on her finances (benefits, tuition loans, credit cards) to keep the family afloat.

It does show a mother who loves her child. It shows a beautiful warm home – it shows a person who has no issues, is well off and looks like either she married a wealthy partner or she is a lady boss.

It doesn’t hint at poverty.

It doesn’t show her state of mind.

It doesn’t show her anxieties.

It doesn’t show how deep she has had to “dig” to make sure her daughter has a Christmas that our society brainwashes us into getting into debt for.

It doesn’t show a mother and person who will fight for injustice, exploitation and for  the rights of all human beings being treated without discrimination. It doesn’t show a woman who has travelled the world and who lives in a small village/town in West Yorkshire ready to take on anybody/any organisation that ignites her passion for all issues related to humanity.

 

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Rag of bold

Stop having a go  at me, Miss ‘

Then use your intuitive and stop asking me if it’s okay to stop and have a piss.

I’m not your momma. I’m not your carer.

Any more of this inaction and I ready to to scare yer.

I’ve had enough of your lack of ambition.

Lack of adventure — you pierce my nerves with razor precision.

Take a risk, go gungho!

Dress to impress-

I’m telling you-to get on with the show.

I’m done having to prompt  you to use your mind.

Its like ,dude-honestly – I’m about to implode from frustration — storied deep inside.

I can’t think for the both of us.

Seriously,mate – I’m strong minded-had to work out my way to suss-out

life

navigate

Talk to people.

A random  stranger!

Just don’t take candy off them unless you want to end up thinking you’re a KAKKA ranger.

I’m compromising with all the patience I can muster.

Yes, I’m hard headed, strong, independent-.

Blow the dust from your inner mind —  here, take my new sublime duster.

You have all the tools. I can’t speak for you.

Have a go.

Live,

experience.

Life is for living the most Avant-Garde show.

There is nothing wrong with being different,

But, seriously…

My heart’s switching to scales that don’t under stand how to stay consistent.

Have some gumption.

Seize the day!

 What is the point in  demonstrating against  the unsaintly, Theresa May?

I crave excitement, adventure, moments and endeavours.

My blood goes cold when I see you stumble-a face,

Frayed

It tethers .

I can just about carry my own daughter.

Get on with life — or sign yourself up for the slaughter.

I may seem cruel and misdirected .

Take on responsibility for your perceived  sense of a pathway defected.

I love you, I do .

Yet, you infuriate me —  these four walls are suffocating me. You should understand one word from all this “blue”.

A colour to drive terror into the minds of  men

I’m living as a woman — a choked mind from  within.

I have my own issues. I stumble on this path.

Leave your issues behind you, or tell every fucker about them.

What they think is not relevant to you moving forward.

Have confidence in your own self .

I’m screaming cos  you won’t make a move.

I know playing chess can take some rudimentary  decision.

Can’t you just side hop the rules and get into the groove?

I’m not asking you to be Kylie.

Flirt with her if it makes you feel Styley Wiley.

I’m doing the best I can.

Summon up that courage-I know is inside you-

Take charge and be that man!

 

*Inspired by #peoplejustdonothing 

Strange Blood

Dad,

how do I  wish you a great day without addressing the past?

Memories are  usually a good place to start.

Let’s forget about the bad ones.

No room for improvement in a negative mind state.

You taught me how to fish.

That was cool because I actually caught a fish but I was not impressed when you threw him back into the ocean – he was too small to eat.

You taught me a valuable lesson:

Compassion and what is necessity.

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The night I was sat on the step, crying. Mom was going through a tough time. Nobody understood how ill she was and you sat next to me and begged me not to follow in my Mom footsteps. I would never live a life with joy.

I learnt that  enemies can want the same thing and can come from two completely different view points . Ma never wanted me to follow in her footsteps either.

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I remember the day I baked you a cake. You came over to Nan’s and you were sobbing. Great granddad was not well.

You taught me that there is a lot that goes inside a persons mind and just because they don’t express emotion all the time, it doesn’t mean they care any less.

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I remember trying to get to know each other in 1994. My holiday and first time back to South Africa in 6 years.

I sensed you were trying to talk . To break the ice. It is a pity my sister in her teens and  a little shit at the time and you had to act as the buffer.

I learnt that vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. I learned that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes us say ugly things.  I am only sad you didn’t try again to speak to me -one on one. 

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I remember on that same holiday we went on a safari. It was a treat and one the of the best days in of my life.

You taught me that you did indeed care about my happiness and you wanted to create happy memories.

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The truth is we are not close for so many reasons. I am so over blaming. It’s un productive and the truth is we do things that we think are the best for each moment we live. 

I understand this because I am a parent.

I know it is hard to instigate a conversation with some one you barely know.

I know you may have feelings about what you could or should have done differently. 

Let’s not get too hung up on what we could of done. 

Focus more on today and what we can do today.

Want to hear something funny?

I may not know you very well but I have kind of ended up getting married to a man whose birthday is two days apart from your own. I am actually marrying my Dad, in a crazy round a bout way.

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AWKWARDS!

Before I end this -I want to thank all those silly quizzes you do on Facebook. 

Who would think that I can learn so much about you based on a trivial quiz? 

We may not be close but if anything happened to you and I held you in my heart with resentment and bitterness, I would never forgive myself.

I do love you, Dad. 

There is some ethereal sense of commitment I have to you. I can’t give you up. I have tried but I won’t give up on you -ever.

I know my illness scares/ scared you. 

I am much more self aware these days. I don’t blame you , Dad. 

All I wish for is, to get to know you better. To sit down and have a chat, laugh and I want to look into your eyes and I want you to hug me and tell me you love me. 

I know you do but I want to feel you  see you and hear your voice. 

Have a great day , Dad -from the U.K. to S.A.

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HAPPY FATHERS DAY!