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Disambigous immortality

The labyrinth is a Jungian symbol of the unconscious, the journey through the maze stands for the enigma of a discovery of ‘the Self’. This ties in with rituals and myths in which a cave is a symbol for creepy tunnels of exploration for the quest for knowledge or the hope to exit the cave metamorphosed.

The famous writer, Silvia Plath uses the symbol of a cave twice in her poem, Nick and the Candlestick. I was drawn to this poem after when I was working on my final project – an immersive art installation for my foundation degree in Acting Performance.

I didn’t know it’s meaning but I connected with it immediately. It is only in the last few years I’ve done more research into other meanings of her poem and startlingly it is seen as a poem that Sylvia wrote when she was pregnant. The tone of the poem suggests she rejects this baby. Sees it as an invasion of her body.

The cave appears to be a symbol of her womb.

Love, love,

I have hung our CAVE  with roses,

With soft rugs—

This poem partly inspired my final Performance piece when I was doing my Performance acting degree. I had my abortion on the 24/10/2010 & I had less than 2 months to finish my degree. It was a low ebb in my life. I didn’t want to give up so, I used my live art performance to try & make sense of what was happening in my life.

I found this picture whilst browsing on social media. It is a disturbing picture. To me, it appears like the girl is saying: I won’t be silenced. The blood-soaked at the bottom of her dress gave me a feeling of peace.

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The entire performance was a result of this picture, my intuition, making connections with other abstract stimuli and ideas that I could link to the original idea.

My aim of the live installation was to strip myself bare (metaphorically)  until people could see the raw, real part that makes up a part of who I am.

I wanted nothing to be hidden ( though I ended up having to adapt my initial idea due to a black eye given to me by an ex. I had to get more creative & I did.

I  felt /was so alone (everyone had turned their back on me but I thought ‘FUCK THE LOT OF THEM-PEERS, TUTORS FAMILY-EVERYONE’ I’m not going to let a black eye shame me not finishing my degree.

I don’t know why I called this project ‘Disambigous Immortality” perhaps I was going through the motions of grief. Perhaps I  was looking for clarity & not to be judged by my peers.

My original idea was to be filmed in a cave or be on a swing in a park, blowing bubbles, dressed in white like the girl with blood on her dress – I suppose I wished to emulate innocence. Blissfully ignorant. That is how I WANTED TO appear to the audience. I had it pre-recorded & I edited it to run on a loop (via a projector) during the performance.

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I wanted my space to be set up to mimic a church setting (with candles lit) and I wanted to be kneeling in front of the recording -watching it. This was meant to symbolise myself entrancing into self-actualisation or more likely self- realisation though this is the opposite of how I felt about what I was doing, to be honest.

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The more I researched my ideas, the more fascinated I became with understanding the unconscious reasons for the ideas I used in the performance. Even specific choices such as the fabric I used, colour choice, words etc..

I decided to use blue for the blood and wore a white lace dress I found in a charity shop.

The colour blue, in chines symbolism, represents immortality.

The colour white  (according to Chinese symbolism) symbolises an end to mourning.

The notion of wanting to appear innocent is because I wanted to appear lacking in guilt, and youthful in a blissfully ignorant way often related to youth

I think at the time I was coming to terms with having aborted my son, who would have been called, Nicholas Raven. I wasn’t prepared for the guilt( though I know it was the right thing to do at the time).

I was walking in the park the one day and I came across a blue feather on the ground and it made sense to incorporate blue feathers into my performance.

Nicholas would have born in spring -I told myself at the time that his soul/spirit/energy touched this mortal world in the medium of my body for a few months & then went on to exist on a higher plane -effectively not dead but immortal. That was my perspective at the time.

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I then came across Sylvia Plath’s poem ‘Nick and the candlestick’. -a poem was written when Plath was heavily pregnant. I  initially interpreted the poem as her feeling bloated vessel carrying a parasite. These feelings about her unborn child caused her to became depressed. Though I also understood that while she felt her unborn child sucking the life out of her-she hoped it would be born without her failings.

When I researched what lace meant in symbolism I came across a metaphor that I’ver never forgotten

‘Lace seeks to hide & expose at the same time, like a veil to cover or lingerie to reveal’

I ended up making a mask covered in lace -it was grotesque-ish & the opposite of innocent looking. It did hide my black eye though..

Its reality & it is in the past. I didn’t know I looked so bad at the time. Life moves on. 😀

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To be continued with reflections from the night of the performance.

Thorn between two roses

In the twilight of that mind,

Turntables blast out despair

 Unable to fathom out her own kind.

Two open-ended books splay their outward innards.

Hesitant to accept the possibility of another perspective.

Suppose there is alien life out there…

That we can conceive of.

An outcome for her resolve to never give in to her woes?

Roses feel pain when cut down by brutal shears.

Where are the moderators in this game of Divine consequences?

Have they too been bribed to ostracise the rest?

Recalled

A product rebranded a Rose.

Children toy with her parts, cut her hair, drown her until her lungs, over-bloated

Spew out flotsam froth.

A final rattle forming a bubble of foam.

Youth is fleeting

as a pirate’s final orgasm freeing his seamen to rest.

This flight became her ghost – it tormented her in a walking state of slumber.

When Rose was of a venerable age she sat upon her own Fate.

Ignorant to all counsel,

She lacked common sense for a daredevil debate.

‘Mere islands’, she would bluster.

An ancient mariner couldn’t deny that she was born to a concubine.

Made from unusual voodoo cut cloth.

She mixed rarely with other groups

Outside of Fear

For impending wrath.

Her weeping congealed by third-degree burns.

Shuffling her feet- rarely led to any sudden about upturn.

What prompted Rose to behave in such a manner?

Emotional intelligence IQ lower than an abyss in Alabama?

Regret staggers not long after

Rose’s final walk down the marching plank.

Swords of sleeted ice pierce into her back.

She ignores all those gallant enough to help her find her to her new abode.

She has the the secret code to,the Outlaw, of the conquered seas.

Why put the world on pause when time is has its own entity?

Reality is indendant of thought.

Passionate.

Highly astute.

She thrashes about with the sense of an insecure perception of identity.

The FATAL FLAW for love on the grandest vessel

She sunk to her final resting place –

the bottom of the plastic strewn, infested seabed.

The day she allowed this rogue to assault her

Though she did plea;

Her screams were ignored-complicit to acquiesce.

Love is partly veiled.

One can’t see through the composition of the waves.

She casts one final look around,

She sees the world in all its chaos- divided into self destruct.

We don’t have love!

How can we summon humanity?

It’s merely a spectacle!

A damning show.

She turns around and winks at the one who took her to his chambers.

She smiles;

wonders if this Outlaw knew that he was taking her soul’s ability to speak.

There is no ending to pain.

Only true bedlam can express her reality.

She is the thorn.

She is the rose.

-the one frozen in hell with her never-ending guilt.

Stags & Hens

Stag do’s seem to go back to the  Spartans, in the 5 century? Spartan’s afraid to get married?

Spartans! this challenge of taking on a bride is no ordinary scuffle in the arena. You will never win –

 Mwahahahaha – from the evil bride(lurking in the background)   from some  obscure adults-only pantomime

Okay….

Henry the 8 th was partial to oh I don’t know -say roughly 8 stag do’s in his time.

All his.

I look at him with a fresh perspective, he was just a wild party animal who didn’t know when to retire and let the young ones pick up the party where he left off.

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I could get really rude here and suggest an innuendo of a  she  be a  heading stag do?

I think. I would rather not go into that too much. Daisy has a filthy mind.

Soap.

Okay so on to  Hen do’s?

There is some research – it’s on Google  😀 that says that the word  ‘hen’ way back could refer to any type of bird.

Us “chicks” have been associated with augury -divination by birds since Greek times.  So, quite rightly, our Grooms- to -be would need to get together with there fellow stags to have a few beverages. If only to help prop the poor groom to be on the day or give him a few pointers on how to win an argument with his bride. Good luck with that one…

 In the East, henna is believed to have properties to purify us sinful brides and I quote

“…. and hold her risk free from the evil eye”

The evil eye, hey?

 Ah, of course, us ladies, over the centuries, have honed in our ability on how to make sure the recipient of our evil eye – men- make them feel the wrath of their inability to bring back the right colour box of tampons.

Are we that bad?

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The research on these stag/hen do’s are rather hazy – maybe that is the point. I mean I thought there would be tons of information on how and when the stag and hen do originate but not much is coming up. Only suggestions.

What am I doing for my hen night?

A cocktail making class with a difference.

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And my  beloved stag,

Well, it started with rock climbing- the only reason was so my hubby-to -be could laugh at his supposedly unfit friends – He is a cruel bastard isn’t he? 😉

He out right refused paintballing. He doesn’t want to look all bruised on the day. This coming from the same mouth who had to be dragged into a shop and forced into a suit on by his Best man along with the help of the best man’s wife!

The mind boggles….

Then it changed to a RPG night a the pub with a Ghostbusters theme!? That one went straight over my head.

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Last time I checked it could be a toss-up of bowling and a “historic”  pub crawl.  The difference is (according to my partner )a normal pub crawl is going from one bar to the next and consuming as much alcohol as possible and a historic pub crawl is visiting pubs with history and admiring the decor,as you do.

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A STAG DO WITH HISTORIC PURPOSE

 Interpret that as you may.  My partner doesn’t drink alcohol but hey? It’s his stag do.

His theory in the ‘historic’  pub crawl is not focused on the drinking but on the pubs themselves and  his  other stags company.

And I thought is was us ladies who changed our mind as and when.

I’m sure him and his besties will have an epic time. I intend to 😀

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(ALL IMAGES SOURCED FROM GOOGLE IMAGES)

 

Ashes and Fedex

 *If you are religious you may take offence to this post.* Just saying 😀

Ashes as you probably know signal the end of a person life. Nobody really knows when/ what ashes were and are exactly meant to represent. The most common symbolism is mortality.

Come, now people… let’s just accept we are all gonna die.

  In a world that often expects us to be perfect, Ash Wednesday gives us an opportunity to freely confess our imperfections. We can let down our pretenses and be truly honest with each other about who we are. We all bear the mark of sin, from the youngest babies to the oldest seniors. We all stand guilty before a holy God. We all are mortal and will someday experience bodily death. Thus we all need a Savior.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/markdroberts/series/ash-wednesday-practice-and-meaning/

 

 My aunt died of Lung cancer on 21/02/ 2015. She wanted to be cremated. We honoured her wish. She was a free-spirited hippy Catholic and she would rather give up her mortality -riddled with illness and attached to this mortal life by an invisible leash – so with courage and dignity she accepted her fate.  Morphine may or may not have helped her speed up the process.

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IT IS TRUE I FOUND IT ON GOOGLE.

This is a bit of a random story. My twin uncles were supposed to fly out from Miami to the U.K. for her funeral. They do a lot of travelling and were on an upgrade standby.

They didn’t make the funeral – no upgrade.  There were no more than 10 people at her funeral. That’s kind of sad, isn’t it?

My aunt wanted her ashes to be spread in the Miami ocean – as close to Key West as possible. One night after having consumed many drinks she said to me all she wanted was to leave the world behind and move to key west and own a bunch of chickens and just be.

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Her saying was

‘Eventually’  (as in it will happen, whatever it is you  out seek out and work for eventually it will be )

I’m kind of thinking she got her to wish -some of her ashes must have lapped up on to the key west isle shores by now. I don’t know about the chickens ..

When I think about ashes as a symbol of mortality or sin, I am not superstitious. My uncles wanted to get my aunts ashes Fed- exed to Miami.

Yes, that is correct.

FedExed!

 They didn’t want to travel with them in case my aunt came back to haunt them or they spilt the ashes or for whatever “rational”  reason. Strange men -my uncles-

twins!

 so, doubly strange. ( I will confirm I love my uncles)

Are they so scared to face up to their own mortality?

Why should they be afraid when they are so religious and God-loving men?

In the end , they paid for a three-week trip, for my Ma to go see them in Miami,as long as she travelled with my Aunts ashes.

I have an eccentric family.

 Knowing my aunt like I did, she would have been giving my uncles a few clucks(slaps)  around the face telling them to ‘man up’ or ‘put on their big boy boots’ – so maybe she got her chickens in the end.

A double cluck!

I remember going to a catholic school that had a church – my Ma and Pa got married in that church. My family thought it would be a great idea to send me to that school.

No problem, except I, have never been baptised.

 

So, every ‘ash Wednesday’ we all had to come up and be marked with the ash cross of a sinner. My corruption and evilness were made crystal clear at those times.

Maybe I did need to repent.

I was more bothered about finding out how many  Easter eggs I was going to get. No one really explained what all this lent fuss was about to me.

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 All I cared about was going on an egg hunt.  My Ma used to do a pretty impressive empty basket dress up and let me go hunting in the garden.

Ash Wednesday is a day to stare death in the face, to acknowledge our mortality. All of us will die. Christians who observe this holiday get ashes “imposed” on their foreheads, while a minister or lay church worker says, “You have come from dust, and to dust you will return.” In other words, “You are going to die. And here are some ashes to remind you, just in case you’ve forgotten.”

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/markdroberts/series/ash-wednesday-practice-and-meaning/

 Ha ha! . Okay, this is awesome – Why not come together to confess we are all a bunch of sinners. My main problem with this is: why the hell Catholics( and other faiths)  get away with  being such hypocrites?

 Catholics do have a bit of a reputation of being one of the worst abusers of our kind towards people with ‘the most sin’ – that is people with mental health issues.

My quest for the symbolism has left me with feelings that are a  tad flaky.

THIS IS A SHOCKINGLY AWFUL POST. APOLOGIES.

Let me try and redeem myself.

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The last thing I want to say about  my research on the  symbolism of ash is:

I symbolise it with  war, hate and crime and greed

Many religions have some form of their own  ‘Ash Wednesday’, to hold innocent people accountable for their churches sins. Not sins of the present-day people but the sins of those who were in the past responsible for them  (and whose bloodlines are still in power of the Church)-

the blood slaying,

the abuse,

the greed,

sloth,

power-hungry psychopaths.

I might not know  exactly where I’m going after I leave my mortal body but at least I don’t use some flimsy

‘Ashes to ashes dust to dust’ quote,

to bring people together to acknowledge their so-called sins.

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POSSIBLE POST MORTAL DESTINATION ?

 

If there is going to be any kind of day where people come together to acknowledge their sins. It should start with the highest church orders and governments of this world to repent and who use religion to control and warp our society.

Lead by example?

just going to throw that out there.

I don’t need a day  OR a 40 day lent period to know when I have been bad or good.

So, let me be bad and kick the pedestals from those who preach words to the ‘sinners’

Can you tell I’m not buying into this whole ash -religion thing?

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I think I would rather curl up to a good book of vampires, witches and wear wolves than carry on.

 My main message:

Ashes to ashes dust to dust

seriously now what is the fuss?

 –  that’s about as poetic as I get.

(ALL IMAGES SOURCED FROM GOOGLE IMAGES)

thoughts about Transformation

 Monday – a perfect excuse for a short rant. I’m a massive fan of The Originals  series.  Watched 10 episodes of season three on Saturday – DATE NIGHT – in the Willows household.

It’s a supernatural series so inevitably tarot cards would eventually pop up. What pisses me off is the ‘death’ card; is always seen as the symbolic message that bad things are about to happen for the characters. This applies to every series and movie that uses this symbol to imply upcoming doom and gloom.  I know it’s the movie industries way of collectively connecting the viewer. I’m still going to rant and give you a lesson in the true meaning of the ‘Death’ grim reaper symbol used in Tarot card decks.

When I used to read Tarot cards, I didn’t see them as something mystical but something more scientific. -more psychological.

“The most powerful sources of information come from within; the Tarot aids in coming in contact with one’s Higher Self.THE HERMETIC ORDER OF THE GOLDEN DAWN

Jung believed that the “collective unconsciousness is the foundation of what the ancients called ‘the sympathy of all things'”. For Jung, the human psyche lived in three separate parts: the conscious, the personal unconscious and the collective unconscious. Archetypes, powerful universal figures and symbols live in the personal and collective unconscious, shaping our perceptions and experiences.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.htm

The Tarot is divided into Major and Minor arcana- There are 22 Major arcana which draws on Archetypes- death being but one. For more information UNDERSTANDING TAROT CARDS

*TAROT CARDS ARE NOT EVEN MEANT TO BE USED TO PREDICT THE FUTURE*

In a Tarot reading, these powerful archetypes work together to create a pattern or a message that allows the questioner to understand and sort out their difficulties. Like many other oracles, their powerful symbols can also demonstrate to the reader the feelings or ideas that are lurking just below the surface of their conscious mind. The symbolism of the Tarot can be a gentler way to bring the questioner in touch with feelings they may be refusing to acknowledge.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.htm

Archetypes can help a reader makes sense of the symbols in their life. It can be a therapeutic method identifying with an Archetype -a person can understand more about their situation and know how to bring out their symbolic strengths and be aware of their symbolic weaknesses.

  We all have the ability to be a Warrior, Magician or Mother- archetypes evolve as we do.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.html

So what does the DEATH archetype mean?

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Major Arcana:DeathThe image of Death can be celebrated or feared depending on your culture or custom.  Viewed by some as a punishment and others are a natural part of life, Death (and the Grim Reaper) are symbols that have very strong reactions.  Whether you see Death as a force to be fought against or as a marker of change, there is no denying that transformation and renewal are a part of Death.Many modern Tarot decks have changed the name of the 13 card in the Major Arcana from Death to Transformation to make it less worrisome.  Whether you view Death as an ending or a time of change, there is still the pain of letting things go and the excitement of new opportunities.

See nothing to worry about.