Blog Archives

The power of choice

*Life is busy again -I choose to post this 10 days before I am “supposed” to because I think our MENTAL HEALTH needs care and attention every single day*

Inspired by taking a head ache tablet and the film ‘the Matrix’

It’s a bit abstract and simple at the same time.

Using the matrix as a metaphor to raise MENTAL HEALTH awareness and reduce stigma

What if I asked you This?

What pill will you choose?

img_20170930_191653_4141668701966.jpg

Remain ignorant about mental health issues ,or acknowledge and seek to educate yourself?

If you believe you have a brain and a body -then it makes sense that you have Mental health and Physical health. Both exist. Both can fluctuate along a spectrum of Good- Bad.

Yes. I am aware that the picture shows only one tablet. Think of this one tablet as how  the status quo deal with Mental health -good and bad.

I’m not saying there hasn’t been progress. There has. We have a long way to go still.

Society wants to understand IT and at the same time ignore that IT exsists.

We can’t have both.

 In my opinion,

to think you can live with both:

understanding and ignorance  is INSANITY.

This is what keeps us from understanding and evolving into the mental well being matrix system. ūüėČ

‘ the body cannot live without the mind’

Morpheus from ‘the matrix’

Here is a link to world mental health U.K. website –

it has articles, blog stories and loads of information on MENTAL WELLBEING -good and bad.

I live in West Yorkshire, U.K.

support links for people in my community here

its OK to talk

Hope Mental health charity- Calderdale  recovery college.

Healthy minds  Calderdale services

Wellness

Recovery

Action

Plan

Information in the U.K.

I have done the 5 day  co facilliator  W.RA.P.  and I’ve done the 12 week  program.

I’ve been involved with many of these services  or know people who have in some different capacities and reasons.

I BELIEVE ENGAGING AND REACHING OUT WORKS.

I FIND WRAP HAS HELPED ME.

Invest time in learning about the Wellness Recovery Action Program 5 core values.

What is your understanding  of these values? Click on each underlined link to read another person’s definition of WRAPS core values

  1. HOPE

  2. EDUCATION

  3. PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY

  4. SUPPORT

  5. SELF ADVOCACY   – (it took me a long time to understand this)

SHORT INTRODUCTION TO WRAP

 

My premature message for #WORLDMENTALHEALTHDAY 10TH OCTOBER 2017

 

Muse on the run

 why have thou forsaken me?

The only God I ever thought could fulfil and denounce all insipidity.

Creativity- my muse. usually, I type -words flow not perfect but in some sense of the verse.

Can’t swallow – I’ve been cursed.

Another person knows the truth – think I want to go back up the birth canal first

overthinking rhyming words – music, hoovers, the energy is far from an ideal haven.

Look above, hear the wings flap – a freak migration of the black wings – inaugurate the raven.

All exercise comes from my smile – ¬†I’ve packed on the pounds frowning lines overused, flex around my mouth.

flex around my mouth.

Drop-dead. A blow to the head. I’ve lost it. ¬† ¬†Muse? ditched me to become a stitched¬†up cowboy down south.

Swallow guilt in packs of threes.

Music to my ears -guilt shake me, blood seeps out -donation date in arrears.

These fears.

This rage.

doubtful mind -caution mindfully what you attempt to incite.

Confederate  vocabulary union matched up on  a strike

No more smiling faces in sight.

Each word resigns – there is nothing left to type.

No tears pouring down his face. There is no moisture to wipe.

Studpity rots the brain

no more stories when a writer runs out of grain.

Shadows РI cower away . Shadows induce carbon monoxide attack

Clampdown on every thought – seize all my gear-leave me with not one solid fact in tack.

Sincerely ,

the writer who dunnit

Unhelpful Prohibition ban

When in doubt or clouded by fear, I communicate.

How you communicate is less important Рwrite, talk, draw, paint, act, dance, create, do anything to express yourself in a way that promotes a healthy mind and your well being.

Heard of the saying: Write to recover?  I do this all the time.

This is how I dealt with today’s¬†unhelpful thoughts and emotions this morning.

I feel you looking at my face, wanting to see it crumple Рleave a salty distaste.

I feel you making a mockery of me by playing on my fears, wanting to swallow me whole-see my goals run into arrears.

I feel your idle bones creep and finger down my spine, wanting me to body jump, do justice to my shadow self -engage with a sardonic crime.

I feel you urging me to split in an 180-degree motion, wanting to leave your signature in the air. apocalypse 2017 style,  obtuse firework display.

Future appropriated by an indent eerily hanging in a feckless grin scented with rotting seaside -once a place of value in its prime.

These are my goals, my dreams, my choices. You can continue to dance in ritual, with odd bones, contrast black disguised in a beastly carcas- throwing out chanting voices.

I will cross from the stark white to contrast black. I know that gray matters vigilante’s courage will aid me in reaching the other side of the fog-drenched¬†in echoed noises.

Mist, hurricane winds, cows moo-ing past in circles, the pressure to unveil my true self is marked down in these words I type in small spaces.

Don’t forget to inhale and exhale, life can’t move if forever enclosed in the darkest, somber of places.¬†

Doubt, Overthink, Overanalyze.

I think therefore I am? 

Scrambled, boiled, poached, deep fried, my mind waits in watch for its own demise -it will overthrow itself, find itself sunny side up. A successful conclusion and coup with my own prohibition ban.

I did it!

 I have expressed myself Рin a way,  I feel less unsure of myself. I have released toxic energy from my mind to allow me to break through the fear and move on with my goals- Ongoing and new ones.

Fear or Goals.

I can only have one.

I choose my goals.

Objectives to reach my goals:

  • Continue taking responsibility for my physical and mental health. I’ve reached out to my doctor and asked to be put on extra supplements to make sure I’m feeding my brain and body.

  • Continue to be a mother to my daughter, I am not her friend- I am her mother, She needs me to encourage her to try out new experiences- starting this week. We have ongoing goals to persist¬†with to help her become the best person she can be.

  • Continue to challenge¬†myself, educate myself and learn new skills and techniques for my work life, volunteering life and my academic studies. ¬†( I’ve already written three drafts of 3 completely¬†different fiction pieces for my TMA 2)

  • Pursue and engage with my goal to do an 8-week Drama workshop because I know what I will get out of it.¬†

  • Take time to have fun and laugh and do things that don’t involve me working all the time. Socialise, plan time out with my husband and friends, blog and connect with others.¬†

  • Take a break from social media.

  • What other people think of me is not my concern, unless I have a direct effect or influence on these people. Other people are not allowed to take my energy. I will not give thoughts or energy to those I can not and will not help. ¬†I’ve already committed my time, thoughts, feelings to projects I want to.

That is it for today.

I have a new keyboard so I can finally type and write and blog and comment on blogs -YAY!

 

 

 

Do I get a star?

Discipline is what is required to receive a Masters of Creative writing.

To be perfectly honest when I am told to do something- I just want to be a bit of a rebel.

Shout out a mega –No!

 My spirit kicking and fighting.

Word of the day.

Absurd to think I don’t even know if I have started to go grey.

Vanity.

Simply vanity.

A neutral  medlem of society.

forget the bloods and the crips -it is we who are the true calamity.

Word of the day.

Can I just willy Neigh  Neigh?

September,

September is coming.

¬†Or as they say in Games of Thrones –

Winter is coming!

It is on this isle.

I must write every day – stretch my brain – like- candyfloss.

Chewing on thoughts, words to use,to make this an epic  Рpoetic -nonacademic,   empty  sweet wrapper to toss,

In the bin.

Environmental awareness is ever so hip and positively in.

For how long, though -we are a fickle lot?

Where to place this word in my head?

Scooby doo comes to mind,

Daphne,

Blonde dude and who was that other one?

He had  a hell of a time conquering his phobia Рwhich turned out to be his career Рcatching the rising dead?

I’ve heard of challenging yourself but what’s his name -seriously needs a new career counsellor – open up a burger joint or smoke one.

Daisy doesn’t condone drugs, in fact, I am the only person I know that can’t smoke the herb due to the whiff of paranoia¬†that is unleashed from my sensors –

I become that buxom lass who lost a few buttons on her blouse and finds herself – ahem unsexily undone.

I can assure you – it is no fun.

Books, so many books to read………

If only I could inhale books as much as I can inhale food like mead?

Well, drink, eat, whatever- you get my drift……

Oooh, that was spooky.

Did you feel that ice plummeting temperature drop?

It left with the drift.

on its way out,

 I think it whispered boozy I mean breezy .

Did it just call me a floosie?

Goose pimples,

do not want to make me show you my dimples.

I’m being frivolously silly, I do sincerely know it.

I’m having a ball!

In an earthy, grounded way of course. Go get into my extra, bespoke,  vintage flow kit.

Dapper!

Flapper.

Starlight scatter!

I want to live in a world where everything is just, Darling!

Okay – this is getting ridiculous.

I’m sure by now -you are pulling out possible grey hairs,

rolling your eyes,

spitting out ¬†‘time waster’, snarling.

Okay, folks, I will put you out of your misery –

I recalled the name of that last bumbling, ghost hunter gang banger – my mind is no longer scuzzy.

Are you ready?

His name was Thrummy.

Why are you laughing?

 I know my characters!

Shaggy was the one who did all that banging on the bathroom room floor – butt naked I might add.

I say let it be.

It sure as hell wasn’t me.

I wrote something. ¬†I come bearing gifts…..

https://vimeo.com/40739436

¬†YAY! ¬†THANKS ALL! ūüėÄ

giphy (10).gif

thrummy[thruhm-ee]

adjective, thrummier, thrummiest.

1.

of or abounding in thrums; shaggy or tufted.

DICTIONARY.COM

 

 

24 hours

Today- the present.

If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I ¬†was feeling was that I was being ¬†all very ‘woe is me’ and I ¬†had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.

download (1)

Such an unproductive way for me to think.

 How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?

  • I COMMUNICATED.

  • I talked about my worries.

  • I explained my anxieties.

  • I spoke to my Mom and My G.

 

Mom’s great advice was

“You do not know what the future holds”

“Live for this moment”

My four year old daughters advice was this:

” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”

 Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.

98164466848335250_C4DOB4O4_c

I ¬†know I am not ¬†the only person ¬†who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.

Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing/

I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.

It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT.   Рthat Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues. 

9363df6f5f0867c87c854862cc9aaf5e

Fingers crossed!

Please send me some positive vibes. ūüėÄ

 

 

I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds   do a mini -workshop ,to help  raise awareness around how    parents can  manage  Depression and Anxiety, in a  more holistic way. The other  aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.

I may share a very small part of how I  personally handle my mental health as a parent.

I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June. ¬†The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .

If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.

PushYourselfWeb

I will post details of the workshop in a post  as soon as possible.

24 hours ago Р My mind state. 

As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.

You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?

WRONG!

Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party ¬†or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.

Funniest_Memes_adulthood-summed-up_13904.jpeg

As many people say:  I have come so far.

I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.

I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child¬†hearted¬† playfulness , a life, friends and ¬†love.

What comes after marriage?

YOU MUST COME OFF YOUR MEDICATION DAISY! IT IS ADDICTIVE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO CHANCE ANOTHER CHILD ¬†BEING BORN WITH WITHDRAWALS FROM PRESCRIBED MEDICATION ¬†DO YOU?

No. Of course I don’t. I was ¬†put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.

One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.

I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).

I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.

I’ve spoken with my support ¬†of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually ¬†we want to extend our family but today ¬†I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.

Pale and anxious.

How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?

G ¬†is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team. ¬†ūüėÄ ¬† -(He is ¬†not getting a Hockey team)

I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015 ¬†but I am still addicted to nicotine.

I E -VAPE.

I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.

So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?

It is not  good enough.

healthy-thinking-7-728.jpg

I’m trying to get my career back.

Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.

Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL  TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.

My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.

I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.

So do we wait a few years?

I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.

We want to move to  better place. A place we will be happier.

There are no chances of any accidents.

I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.

There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life  giver with a whole new outlook this time.

Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry ¬†so much if I was in my 20’s.

I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.

How shallow does this sound.

I want another girl.

I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.

I am.

I am scared of  having regrets too.

I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.

I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)

I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.

So I should know better.

I don’t want to go down the IVF route.

I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)

I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.

I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.

MW-BO560_fear1_MG_20131105074052

TEMPORARY FEAR MELTDOWN

 

 

THESE ARE ALL  THE  THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I HAD RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND YESTERDAY.

Today, I am not magically fixed.

I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.

I am also a human  being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.

I just  choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.

Why should I?

¬†I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.

Finding  Good coping skills  and using them are the key to helping  you manage yourself .

  • It takes time to find healthier coping skills.¬†

  • New Coping Strategies take practice

  • Be kind to yourself.

  • Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.

  • It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.

  • There is no time limit on change- it is constant.

  • Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too.¬†

  • Know where to access help¬†

  • Ask for help

  • Establish and use a support network .

  • ¬†Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like WRAP