Blog Archives

Thoughts about suicide for others peace of mind

RIP KEITH from the Prodigy.

I planned another attempt on my knees

Spoke to a God

Pathetic

Uninspired

Extraterristial

Daisy is no more.

A body emptied walking on egg shells.

Shocked mind

No purpose

too unkind.

Secret whispers

Willful whiskers

Silent sisters

Cause me to break out in blisters.

Words fail to recover my obsolete pose

Hesitant

Defunct

Maleficent

stream of wrong chosen floaters in crimson blood rivers.

white foam is my diffident

Illiterate

A hypocrite.

Angry cross dressers

hung by confusion

bungee jump without rope into a quagmire.

Prayed to a cloud God in an attempt to die

magnificent.

Lost, scared, dreading my loss of locks

inside I’m already dead.

Queen bee keeps me in fear

droplets of pollen

my rival is life

sincerely solemn.

A fraud

illiterate.

Alone decorated in red confetti

Enraged at my syphilistic minded inability to write even borderline literate.

Fits and spirits

rummy body popping misfit.

Failure to perish

shelf life insignificant.

Non academic.

A failure at talking transparent.

A liar

A thief of integrity.

A coward rumpled into a once upon a time melody

No solace — out grown to suffer from eternal colic.

Insignificant.

Stubborn push me over

‘cos it’s a waste of oxygen.

Recovery is overrated.

Trust when I say

I’m insignificant.

Footloose –

I lied and I planned

My prison is this world.

Let me go!

I’m not strong enough to serve the bee revolution cos I’m different.

Lonely.

Scared to never feel my bones.

Lonely.

Scared to lose my only love

My minds my terminal to Cancer.

Purpose – 37 years wasted in ignorance.

I’m not writer

I’m a fighter.

An enemy of my Self.

Uncomfortable with peoples apparent confidence in my ability to not give up.

Strength is not telling

Can’t keep a secret — I’m a fraud — I lost my soul to the devil 3 decades ago.

A ritual given freely to a demon I couldn’t please.

I’m insignificant

Why did I tell of my plans?

Damn do gooders orchestrating my life.

Suicide is the answer.

I’m dead inside

I’m a joke-I’m aimless — shameless

Engaged – remember to pretend to be engaged.

Life is a sham — there is no plan.

Fear makes me who I am.

A writer died on that table.

I shrink my words-

I am not who I say I am.

Leave me

Don’t tease me;

Hated

underrated.

People — I don’t get you — assist me — talking in skipped beats

a sham.

Daisy in the willows

I’m not a fan.

Help me disappear

not in another room with four walls

Damm you,Bee

you hold me rooted

Why do I love you ?

You’re my child

I am A mother on mute.

Lost to a cause

Petrol bombed mind.

A lost cause to

These four walls.

Life is a shore ditch with no applause.

Inherently stubborn

alive — so very sudden.

Cheated out of death

I don’t want to live

Stop saving me

Screaming to a society blinded

deaf.

Samaritan I’m your even,

my

selfish? , yeah

welling up in self pity.

Take my Queen — kill me — a paperless tree.

these words are not free

I cannot be

Fuck the world

Listen to my plea.

Let me die

damn you all

I have Cancer in my mind.

You live behind fake smiles and superficial styles.

The only time i ever felt free was when I wrote without thinking

I’ve lost my creativity

I’m done thinking

My rights taken from me.

Death embrace me

Comfort me.

Why can’t you fall in love with me?

Damn you all.

I am my biggest flaw.

Live for yourselves.

let me disappear into a shallow grave carved out of skin

Scarred by the welts of time.

A master of self distortion

Fuck the life-it serves no function.

All I had were my words.

Now I have nothing but a habit of crawling on hands and knees hiding from life’s sores.

I don’t want to be famous.

i want another chance to die — Fuck you

I’m possessed

I’m shameless.

Hospital and doctors orders

I’m not an animal!

I’m a ghost of the cult of the morbid.

These are my words

Damn you, Bee!

Manipulate me into loving you

If only I didn’t care.

Maybe I don’t…

These words are simple.

Not good enough.

I’m the fucker with the guardian angel who won’t let me go.

Fuck you, you test me, then arrest me.

I’m perpetually unhappy.

Let me go.

Let me finally be free.

I was born into the wrong world,

The wrong time.

fuck you all – I don’t want to be

Yet still

I’m too damningly kind.

Survival of the fittest — I’m a rumpled coward-a retard — a misfit.

Damn you,host — you saved me — when you should have save your breath for another.

I exist for others peace of mind.

*something self loathing in Rage -is (?) I wrote post -suicide attempt*

Write to recover. I don’t always feel so much self loathing. There is always a silver lining…….

Thoughts about post suicide

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Daisy

LIFE UPDATE

There has been so much going on-trying to write consistently and coherently has and is still a struggle.

I did a major overdose in March 2018 (yes, stupid and I didn’t want to come out of it)-the gory details are :

I could have died and came close to it.

I went through the whole anger and retaliation at the world stampede.

I’m still struggling to cope with EVERYTHING

Yet I’m still here coping with EVERY THING.

I feel like a machine at times — loathe the mundane, monotony  of everyday living.

The enormous amount of stress that we all experience.

I hate this feeling but at the same time I feel the need for routine.

It’s easy to fall into bad  habits. I seem to get into toxic cycles a  lot. I get out of them too.

Oh my hat! After complaining (to whoever would listen)about never getting out open mic gigs; I finally got to  do another open mic night-I got my wish.

It can be an intimidating scene. Pretentious even. I hate the drama and Ego ism that comes with any thing to do with being creative. Best piece of advice I can offer is:

Don’t be like me and think double whiskies are going to make you awesome.

We already are… unless you have complex issues about yourself. Your life, your goals  , etc..

Like me!

So, I did the  open mic 4 minute slot.  😀 I don’t have a problem performing. Of course ,I worry about how I come across, want people to connect and genuinely clap or show interest cos something sets off a spark.

I got caught up in my head. Yesterday, I was on the phone to my mom about it, and I tried to explain the complete sense of emptiness and loss I feel about my eating disorder.

Nobody seems to really get it. And its unfair to expect them to.

It won’t give up on me but I have people who think I’m cool for being me. That is important.

It’s messed up how we can sometimes let our demons wreak havoc and have a full on hour fest with our emotions.

Disconnecting is  defunct for me.

Its standard to my character and way of dealing with life

Connecting is harder and typing about this may seem fucking boring but it seems necessary.

It’s not meant to be a profound post. WOW!  I know how to beat myself up. Don’t you feel we do that far too much? We are. Hard mofo’s on ourselves.

DO you ever feel like guilt will cause you eternal harrowing sorrow?

It will haunt your every moment. Sneak up on every smile.

I want to be loved and want to figure out what I want.

So this is what I have become Doubtful yet I am still full of gumption.

God, I can be so self absorbed.

Suicide is a huge global problem and it’s getting worse.

Check out lil Donald’s positive message about the  suicide endemic .

Get help and speak out.

I’m glad I’m alive. Christ, it’s a hard struggle. An onward battle. There are precious ,sweet moments that make it worth it.

I’m so glad be alive. Yes, I’m repeating that.

The anger has passed as do all things.

Suicide is not the answer. Its final — we don’t know what is on the other side.

What if on the other side we are trapped on one side of a mirror-only able to feel the cold and watch the world without being able to make contact again….

We all need time away from the mundane, from ourselves.

We all have vices ands poisons. Its easy to judge a person by what they use to cope. We walk with the feet that we are born with.

Sometimes we don’t have shoes to wear. It’s often the time we feel most free.  That first contact with bare feet and grass or beach sand is the most grounding and exhilarating feeling a person can experience.

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

I’m going to make it

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t lived. That overdose was meant to kill me. I didn’t want to live and then I have moments when I look at my child and my Ma and cat and think -these are the people and moments to live for.

Life isn’t easy and no one ever said it is easy. I am lonely -I don’t mind being alone but loneliness is a particular kind of poison that will feed into all my securities -to the point I  will put up with anyone even if they treat me like shit.

I don’t need those kind of people in my life. I want my life back. I screwed up in so many ways. It doesn’t mean that my life and who I am and what I look like is not worthy of being happy and loving myself.

 

 

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good.

We have survived another day- I want to get back to living life.