Blog Archives

Ubiquitous Mondaine

“Ubiquitous deep feels… Dedicating this album to my husband Daniel “Dcomplex” Chavez. “No Me Without you” – Alhamdulillah

Mondaine -Fusion Digital Infiniti.

 

After my recent suicide attempt, 09 May 2020. After coming out of alien abduction – or what I now know was a very long 5-day coma. Haha! it isn’t funny. I was serious about this attempt.

I remember Mondaine being in touch with me on most days. I could barely speak because I had inhaled my own vomit and those particles caused me to develop Aspirational pneumonia!

She was guiding me and helping me find a tiny ray of light to accept that I hadn’t been abducted or tortured by aliens. Thank fully. I was just another person who happened to fail again.

Strangely, when I came out of hospital 10 days later I felt as high as no higher than any kite or drug or experience I have in my life. It lasted for just over a month. I didn’t feel like a suicide attempt failed. I felt a shift in soem inner part of me. I didn’t crave drugs -I know I  felt amazing. I kept telling my friends and family including  Mondaine that they didn’t need to bother calling. I am alive -Staying alive – happy.I  didn’t preempt the struggle I would have to deal with months later fully aware how close to death I was -I was in limbo for purgatory -I had got that far to pass on to the other side t I had failed to take my life again. 

I am merely a work in progress and very much flawed.

I want to thank Mondaine and her husband, Daniel for all their prayers and support when I didn’t even believe I needed it.

Mondaine kept calling and messaging me and encouraging me to write. I didn’t write for 2 months. The poetry -those words would and still do go around my head sporadically.

I  know that the best way to feel different is to find a way to vent the almugamated, pressurised thoughts strewn from each corner of my mind until I chucked and dumped all my thoughts and feelings into a  Massive heap in the middle of that space between the mind and the heart.

I can’t see these thoughts in word form or decide that from a label or tag that I will buy into an emotion or commit to it because everything   merges  into one black void – a dark  dense mass of matter

It just hangs above I the part of my brain where the sky and stars and the moon and sun usually reside. Possibly even a rainbow on an unremarkable day.

a cloud would think to move on with an I have better places to be than here. A cloud the lowest cumulous cloud would even disperse and find new scenery to decorate.

But not this black mass of inky sludge I can only describe as a blind sloth.  a blind and disabled sloth.

The nature of this mass and the weight of this matter produced heavy congestion pollutinfg my mind. I couldn’t even fathom or think how to get a pen and write a word without – Mrs doubt fire strikingly lit up every crevice  -she blazed my mind until heat changed thermostat until that heat took on another for, set the alarms off and pronounced the arrival of a panic attack blizzard.

I had left it too late. I  had to face the backdraft or curl up into an incense ball moments away from being charred into ash –  minus the pleasant lingering smell & this would never occur on a Wednesday.

When I was a child I used to release all the adrenalin in my head I exorcised every thought

every emotion that needed another space to fill. I So I created a fantasy world where I would invent many different characters and plot lines. They all overlapped. I used to grab a piece of my hair and twist it round both of my index fingers with my thumbs.

My cheeks would get flushed, the more pressurised my thoughts the faster my speech came out of my mouth These poor characters were entering existing whilst doing an aside to the audience or a wardrobe change mid-scene written into the directions of a script by a crap writer who failed to tell the rest of the production or cast.  The crap writer decided to procrastinate for an indefinite period

Those characters were highly strung and stressed to the max. Poorly managed or directed. My mind half dreaded there sudden arrival and half enjoyed the unfolding events that these characters were tortured into. Terrible choices and situations. I had to get to the climax of the story. I didn’t care about an anti-climax or a story being resolved.

My only need was that my characters could express themselves without feeling threatened. .

I stopped doing this fantasy form of self-expression when I started starving myself and using alcohol and drugs to numb whatever I felt or to perhaps help me express myself.

My daughter does the exact same thing. I stopped the fantasy characters and animated speech when I was 16 years of tools. I kept a diary all my life and I had a bookcase. full of diaries.

My daughter is 8. There is no possible way I taught her or even spoke about this world. She knows the rules of this world to the extent that s does the same twirling with her hair. It is surreal to watch.

Over the past 2 -3 years. I’ve had a different struggle with my health. one’s that I thought had gone away on retirement. About 2 years ago I had this immense pressure to start talking. I didn’t use my hands. instead of typing or picking up a pen. I started coming out with a stream of consciousness of words structured in no identifiable algorithm pattern.

it helped to condense those random words into something tangible. Into something, I could find menaingful. I could stop overthinking and just wrote, type, or talk.

I didn’t expect to write about my deep dark childhood quirks in this post.

to get back to Mondaine. She was one of many people who helped me find a way to uncoil myself. So I didn’t break down and end up in the hospital again.

Two days after I had been out of the hospital, Mondaine dropped the ep  EP  into my inbox.

I’m so bad at introducing people.

Who is Mondaine?

Mondaine or Fusion Digital  Infiniti hails from Salt Lake City, Utah and is a dedicated mother, wife, artist and music mixer producer with an overwhelming amount of empathy in heer highly perceptive. He talent and her heart are as big as the largest body of water you can think of. 

If you love music with Funk and soul and bass then Mondaine’s latest  EP  is for you. I have not profited monetarily from this other than increasing the wealth of my Health and soul.

I’m thrilled to bits because finally, thecmysterius Modaine rang me the other day to say she would talk to me openly and allow me to recored or write our chat and our opinions of many themes such as Mental health,. Mental wellbeing and creative self-expression, music, clothes & maybe our bra size

TO around up this post then. Future Feature interview with Mondaine is coming sooner than the sooner that I originally thought. to come soon.

I believe in her and supporting her creative endeavours and she believes in me and my endeavours.

Please support independent artists – check out Fusion Digital Infiniti on Bandcamp and support the music that you love and can grow to love. Cut out the middle man who profits from an artist’s works.  Links below.

ubiquitous

adjective: ubiquitous
  1. present, appearing, or found everywhere.

 

 

SOUNDCLOUD

FACEBOOK

BANDCAMP

WordPress member death by suicide

Apologies for being a bearer of bad news (again), I received a message today from a relative about a WordPress member in our community.

I’m devastated as I am sure some of his family are. I received a horrific comment 2 years ago and decided to read it out loud to show people how the way we communicate has a huge impact on people.

Paul Mc Aleavy aka Palfitness passed away yesterday.

Paul went through a lot of crap and he found a sense of acceptance in the blogging community.

He was always generous with his time reading and sharing blogs.

Paul, you will be missed.

Please pay your respects.

He loved Daphne- his dog. I think that was what kept him going. His sister in law took Daphne away from him. We all go through ups and downs in life.

Don’t be so quick to judge or at least check your initial thoughts and judgements

efa87b1cb1a13e6ddd8edad58dcee694

PAUL AND DAPHNE

PAL FITNESS

“Fitness” is the root to success in any career!!

Paul came up with this award. Remember life is short and be awesome!

chalkboard-black

Be happy or die trying You tube series – ItsstillOK2talk

(written in 1st &  3rd person in quotes tbr)

She didn’t know why she felt the need to document her suicide attempt, and post suicide. She says that she genuinely wanted to die. She spent many months angry at her mother, angry and displaced because the doctors told her mother to expect the worst. She had been in ICU for over 8 hours. Her suicide was was not an attempt to hurt anybody especially not her daughter.

She felt it was best for everyone & she couldn’t live with her self & her illnesses any longer. She was in the system of benefits. She had received a PIP claim form to prove she needed some form of income to live on, her daughter’s child tax credits were stopped on Christmas eve 2017. Her mariage had broken down due to erratic behaviour and actions & life stress.

She had to give the go-ahead to the doctor to snow her Aunt with Morphine. She sang to her aunt until the death rattle passed. She watched her grandmother die from vascular Dementia & Alzheimers (over a period of 3 days). She watched her own mother look after her mother until she passed away on Mothers day 2017.

Her wedding day was mixed with joy, stress, emotions & her Anorexia/Bipolar started to manifest in not eating/drinking fluids to make up the 4 hours of the gym she did for 4 years 4 hours every day. She had a cracking body but at what cost?  She holds on to too much guilt -not all her own to own.

She hopes to edit.make cuts of all the footage in a documentary( the good, the bad, the ugly). Why? To help her understand herself.

“When I’m on self destruct I am good at trying to kill myself/allow people to abuse me & lose my way. Albeit slowly through starving myself & ending up in multiple hospitals with Braccardyia and failing organs. ”

She recalls unsuccessfully trying to throw herself off a bridge.
“The police grabbed me as I put out her arms and feet out to jump. ”
The previous night, she had taken an overdose worthy of being at the very least hospitalised however she woke up shocked – alive & devasted.

“Whatever I put my mind to I am a person who ( surprisingly) and through sheer stubbornness who succeeds to my detriment or wellbeing.”

Last year, her psychiatrist of 10 years was moments awayy from sectioning her again. He knows her well. She is usually able to reason & is too honest for her own good at times.

“I was hypomanic and through misusing medication I went into drug-induced psychosis. I didn’t hear things or see things. I had to comply with fortnightly injections. I didn’t want my daughter to think I didn’t love her so that is why I filmed my attempt. I saw no bright light, I heard no ambulance, I don’t recall anything except my disappointment at still being alive.”

She adds,

“I work on my self every day to love myself.

Acknowledging she doesn’t get it right all the time. These videos are not edited nor are they in order. It’s one of her multiple ongoing projects.

“I hope to tie this in with the hard work I did on myself by getting out into the world, volunteering with Mental health charities, writing, getting involved in the creative industry and I realised how much I had to give through experience. I wasn’t stupid. I have qualities people in the mental health & Creative arts sector look for.”

Her mental health deteriorated again. She has been well & she believes she will get well again.

” There are no limits to recovery from an illness. No, they might be terminal or chronic and never go away. We may know we will die from say Cancer. It’s about the quality of life we live while we are still here. I’d rather die at 60 & have done the things I want to than live to an age of 80 -lonely, old, neglected & liability to society.”