Most of us are aware that suicide attempts are on the rise at an explosive rate.
We all don’t want to see or hear someone who thinks the only way out of life is taking their own life.
We are told to talk about our feelings. Get it all out & call for a chat if we need anything.
People have to get on with their lives.
What if the help they are advised to seek out isn’t there or doesn’t help?
What about our ethical stance or views about people who want to end their lives?
Can we become open to challenging our views and reasons for helping people without being able to have a lasting impact on those people who still have to live with the aftermath of wanting to die?
Of course ,we are humans with complex emotions & at times deep compassion & empathy. We want to help or fix other people.
How do you feel about
Someone with a degenerative disease such as MS who has lost her soulmate & wants to end Life?
Or a man with a family to protect who is struggling financially & can’t see a way out either through shame or pride to seek out help or because they refuse to live in poverty so takes his life so his family can live on his Life insurance?
What can you do to make a positive long lasting change in their mind set or circumstances?
Does it soothe our conscience
We can admonish we have done the right thing
Acts of Altruism?
What about a teenager with body issues, relationship problems, a person.
Who sees no way out?
What if the places we signpost him to get help can’t or doesn’t help?
Well.. at least we tried to be a good person..
Instinctively we feel that it would be wrong to not want to help.
We live in a society where we are bound by outdated traditions, people who believe rhat by giving a person a poster can guide a person to change their perspective .
I believe the quality of life should matter more than the quantity.
I also believe that a teenager or a man in serious debt may be able to find guidance and be able to deal with the desire to die.
When it comes to illnesses I watched my own grandmother become an entity merely existing because that is what. society says we should do. Keep her alive.
Keep people alive even if that life is in a care home, unable to speak, move.
We don’t have enough resources to help people in state care homes to signpost these people to places where they can have a chance to rethink how they can live with a sense of purpose.
I’ve seen people I love live on a “leash” tied to life for what? other peoples peace of mind?
If we can’t get the resources to help people see a way out must they suffer their entire mortal life in mental anguish & physical torture?
What gives life meaning?
Finding a way to grow, achieve happiness – evolve as we have been designed to as humans?
We were born to live in our physical bodies and create a life worth living. To be able to say at the end of our lives that we died knowing for what purpose we had lived.
On the 11 of May 2020 I attempted my final suicide -or so I thought. I had read the suicide manual.
I chose death by overdose this time. I crushed the tablets into a gooey mixture -(added small drops of liquid)-with a morsel and pestle.
Measured a small dose of alcohal to 3/4’s apple juice then chugged the paste down without any hesitation.
Fear entered my brain a cloud saturated in grey -I let it sail past Its size was irrelevant
I had to achieve death. One thing I was good at. Finding a way to cease to be
My other attempts were slow suicides. Sectioned multiple times -an inpatient stay -12 months at a time starving my body hadn’t worked A suicidal coward -I couldn’t live with an ego wounded with a false hubris made shirt.
I waited until I was alone – my calculations of jumping off suicide bridge again seemed ill prepared for what I had in store.
Quetiapine -antipsychotic medication was a miscalculation too The symptoms agitated my unconscious state
Stairs lead me to the front door This is an account from my husband-yellow flowers in his hand he found me regurgitating on my vomit on the kitchen floor.
In 2018 I ended up in ICU 9 hours -my mother prayed -I raged from her selfish wants. She had no understanding of living day to day in a body half sawed from an asylum hijacked from myriad peacocks relentless until I escaped -there sounds crawled up my spine Lit upmy human barbaric side -quelled the blaze could not be subdued.
2020 -Inhaling my vomit husband pushed open the back door with yellow roses to cheer me up He knew I was running off the cliff – he thought let me cheer my missus up.
Many hours, days I was tortured by Aliens Abducted. I pleaded for the fire to cease for water to replenishes my thirst. World War 2 Masks leering over me cold showers Christians say I was in purgatory.
Mother on her knees The daughter wrote to me in my sleeping castle. I fought against the tube pipe minutes from a trachae-I begged for freedom -a place filled with light. Hell what would I know? Aliens abducted me -I know that cold water Sticks prodded
Probing up my nose
Mind tricks disregarded my pleas to change let me leave I knew no prayer or god would release me A face painted up as my mother caught my eye –
my daughter couldn’t hold my attention.
Guilt fit to burst out tears .
Gassed for my lack of integrity
I found out how many days my dear mother prayed for me to come out of my coma.
The family started reconciling I was on a life support machine-close to brain damage, paralysed- death would be the prayer for my destiny.
Once again -her rosary beads anointed her Happy birthday mum, where am I ?-
the aliens bid me farefill after a 5 day probing An experiment not worthy of their intelligence It was all for nothing
10 days later I was high on life.
A hug doesn’t help, nor did talking, self-medicating, reaching out to my tribe. Suicide is not the answer unless you are sure you know why you want to say goodbye. Do your research & even then you might not die. Months go by I’m still here -my body & thoughts to collude with troubles from 3months Gone by– I thought I had dealt with my trauma by attempting to stage my greater suicide attempt.
Life toys with my perception -some days I laugh – other days I scream at the injustice of the helpful folk who saved my life without my consent I’m present – I’m still here. This is my journey. I’m seeking help. I hope to find peace before death shrouds all philosophical thought.
SUICIDE ATTEMPT 25? I’m still alive SURPRISE! -no mask
Oh, wait the mirror betrayed me when I stopped seeing myself without a glare.
I’m the woman who feels her mind unravel every single day. I’m that woman who will drop (almost ) anything to be loved, liked and to try and be there for people. I am that woman who thinks I am one step away from insanity. One meal away from sitting with others -in the cafeteria suffocating with all the beldam and discourse of those who have held all their pain and confusion inside for too long.
I am terrified I am losing my mind. I have panic attacks, social anxiety, Chronic Anorexia and Bipolar. I’m am that woman who sees every one I love (or now)know that I do love get sick or die around me. Drop-dead.
The black sheep. I forget what I want to say. I doubt my self. I think too much. My biggest secret is I want to be grounded. I do! I seem to be caught up in the cycle of escapism. Escapism not in the form of writing, dancing or talking or being cool with me, but I feel myself inching closer towards ‘the dark soul of the night’.
I want to be saved. I question my faith. Did I ever have faith in anything other than toxins that would take me away from my current emotions?
Yet… even though I am the girl shunned by family and friends, I seem to reel it back in. I wind my mind and wrap it into a neat little bow. Always a different colour. I survive. I don’t know how or why.
Well.. I do. I am a mother, woman, daughter, friend and I have a purpose to fulfil. In my most delirious moments, I find myself inching towards praying to my own mother’s version of God. That biblical character. It frightens me to conform. I don’t want to be brainwashed by society and religion and politics. I don’t want to fit in. I want to be accepted.
I find joy in music and dancing. I find sense in writing. I write to recover.
Did I do a Faustus? I did. A long time ago, in between going to a catholic nun run a school, having Jehovaha’s witness lessons after school and then going to get “drunk” in the Lord’s spirit with, my mates, in the evening. I sought out Satanism. I asked it to take me and I lost my way.
That sounds crazy. I’m running empty on spirituality. Mortality is harsh and fleeting. I cry every day for me, my family, even those who hate me so.
I have to move on and let go. Many say I’m too hard on myself. Do we all feel like a fraud?
Knocking on doors for help. What’s the worst that could happen? I end up alone? Forced to be content with this body, this mind, this personality.
I can’t go back. It’s easy to want to go back when the future is so uncertain. In the distance it reveals that is is not benign. It is a vast tumour. There is no way to stop time. It’s an entity independent of reality.
I’m told I need to look within. look after me. Find my place in this world. I’m still here.
I wanted to die. I nearly did.No bright lights.No memory of the ambulance, the police smashing down my door, the room in Intensive Care.
I’m still here. Every time I think I can’t get through with my day or be with myself, time passes and I’ve survived. I’m reminded of Alan Watts famous clip’ What do you desire?’
“Ubiquitous deep feels… Dedicating this album to my husband Daniel “Dcomplex” Chavez. “No Me Without you” – Alhamdulillah
Mondaine -Fusion Digital Infiniti.
After my recent suicide attempt, 09 May 2020. After coming out of alien abduction – or what I now know was a very long 5-day coma. Haha! it isn’t funny. I was serious about this attempt.
I remember Mondaine being in touch with me on most days. I could barely speak because I had inhaled my own vomit and those particles caused me to develop Aspirational pneumonia!
She was guiding me and helping me find a tiny ray of light to accept that I hadn’t been abducted or tortured by aliens. Thank fully. I was just another person who happened to fail again.
Strangely, when I came out of hospital 10 days later I felt as high as no higher than any kite or drug or experience I have in my life. It lasted for just over a month. I didn’t feel like a suicide attempt failed. I felt a shift in soem inner part of me. I didn’t crave drugs -I know I felt amazing. I kept telling my friends and family including Mondaine that they didn’t need to bother calling. I am alive -Staying alive – happy.I didn’t preempt the struggle I would have to deal with months later fully aware how close to death I was -I was in limbo for purgatory -I had got that far to pass on to the other side t I had failed to take my life again.
I am merely a work in progress and very much flawed.
I want to thank Mondaine and her husband, Daniel for all their prayers and support when I didn’t even believe I needed it.
Mondaine kept calling and messaging me and encouraging me to write. I didn’t write for 2 months. The poetry -those words would and still do go around my head sporadically.
I know that the best way to feel different is to find a way to vent the almugamated, pressurised thoughts strewn from each corner of my mind until I chucked and dumped all my thoughts and feelings into a Massive heap in the middle of that space between the mind and the heart.
I can’t see these thoughts in word form or decide that from a label or tag that I will buy into an emotion or commit to it because everything merges into one black void – a dark dense mass of matter
It just hangs above I the part of my brain where the sky and stars and the moon and sun usually reside. Possibly even a rainbow on an unremarkable day.
a cloud would think to move on with an I have better places to be than here. A cloud the lowest cumulous cloud would even disperse and find new scenery to decorate.
But not this black mass of inky sludge I can only describe as a blind sloth. a blind and disabled sloth.
The nature of this mass and the weight of this matter produced heavy congestion pollutinfg my mind. I couldn’t even fathom or think how to get a pen and write a word without – Mrs doubt fire strikingly lit up every crevice -she blazed my mind until heat changed thermostat until that heat took on another for, set the alarms off and pronounced the arrival of a panic attack blizzard.
I had left it too late. I had to face the backdraft or curl up into an incense ball moments away from being charred into ash – minus the pleasant lingering smell & this would never occur on a Wednesday.
When I was a child I used to release all the adrenalin in my head I exorcised every thought
every emotion that needed another space to fill. I So I created a fantasy world where I would invent many different characters and plot lines. They all overlapped. I used to grab a piece of my hair and twist it round both of my index fingers with my thumbs.
My cheeks would get flushed, the more pressurised my thoughts the faster my speech came out of my mouth These poor characters were entering existing whilst doing an aside to the audience or a wardrobe change mid-scene written into the directions of a script by a crap writer who failed to tell the rest of the production or cast. The crap writer decided to procrastinate for an indefinite period
Those characters were highly strung and stressed to the max. Poorly managed or directed. My mind half dreaded there sudden arrival and half enjoyed the unfolding events that these characters were tortured into. Terrible choices and situations. I had to get to the climax of the story. I didn’t care about an anti-climax or a story being resolved.
My only need was that my characters could express themselves without feeling threatened. .
I stopped doing this fantasy form of self-expression when I started starving myself and using alcohol and drugs to numb whatever I felt or to perhaps help me express myself.
My daughter does the exact same thing. I stopped the fantasy characters and animated speech when I was 16 years of tools. I kept a diary all my life and I had a bookcase. full of diaries.
My daughter is 8. There is no possible way I taught her or even spoke about this world. She knows the rules of this world to the extent that s does the same twirling with her hair. It is surreal to watch.
Over the past 2 -3 years. I’ve had a different struggle with my health. one’s that I thought had gone away on retirement. About 2 years ago I had this immense pressure to start talking. I didn’t use my hands. instead of typing or picking up a pen. I started coming out with a stream of consciousness of words structured in no identifiable algorithm pattern.
it helped to condense those random words into something tangible. Into something, I could find menaingful. I could stop overthinking and just wrote, type, or talk.
I didn’t expect to write about my deep dark childhood quirks in this post.
to get back to Mondaine. She was one of many people who helped me find a way to uncoil myself. So I didn’t break down and end up in the hospital again.
Two days after I had been out of the hospital, Mondaine dropped the ep EP into my inbox.
I’m so bad at introducing people.
Who is Mondaine?
Mondaine or Fusion Digital Infiniti hails from Salt Lake City, Utah and is a dedicated mother, wife, artist and music mixer producer with an overwhelming amount of empathy in heer highly perceptive. He talent and her heart are as big as the largest body of water you can think of.
If you love music with Funk and soul and bass then Mondaine’s latest EP is for you. I have not profited monetarily from this other than increasing the wealth of my Health and soul.
I’m thrilled to bits because finally, thecmysterius Modaine rang me the other day to say she would talk to me openly and allow me to recored or write our chat and our opinions of many themes such as Mental health,. Mental wellbeing and creative self-expression, music, clothes & maybe our bra size
TO around up this post then. Future Feature interview with Mondaine is coming sooner than the sooner that I originally thought. to come soon.
I believe in her and supporting her creative endeavours and she believes in me and my endeavours.
Please support independent artists – check out Fusion Digital Infiniti on Bandcamp and support the music that you love and can grow to love. Cut out the middle man who profits from an artist’s works. Links below.