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Mr Tut Tut

I thought I’d succeed this time .

I’d die reciting poetry under my favourite duvet ..

Perhaps listening to music.

Nearly ended up sectioned .

Making the most of a new day.

No serious damage except to my ego.

I’ve never felt so ashamed at failing to take my own life as this attempt.

Why ? Cos I’m still fucking here.

Apologising to people for not wanting to be here.

Time to keep going.

Moving to a new home is a priority..

This house is a poltergeist.

It feeds my need to keep bleeding.

Tired now.

I love my husband

My mommy & daughter.

3 good reasons to state that I’m

Still breathing.

My mother called me a Narcissist​

(Reading the book-  ‘poems for a world gone to shit’
Here’s one I wrote of to add to poems for a world gone to shit. A post-suicide poem I wrote in 2018. For the record, my mother didn’t call me this. She called me worse. I’m seriously joking now.

My mother called me a narcissist
I delayed in ringing an exorcist.


Eve didn’t want to admit she was too affronted by the orange county housewife
I’ d laugh if it weren’t for the affray
the truth is I’m a direct line of my self sabotagist.

My mother called me a narcissist cos I  tried to kill myself
She didn’t find it funny when I told her to go along with it.


She didn’t get it.


I take up my place as a dyed goat dressed in sheep wool.
I wonder if I can make it.
I forget
language-

so I bleat in Beast instead of weeping my tears of rage & regret. 

Destination Contemplation

Sometimes I feel like why do I bother.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve used up all my bear care

The cities I lived in .

The people I’ve engaged with.

started to stick two fingers up.

But only to the dickheads.

I dance to these beats cos I rise to the funk masters compilation.

I run for the hills , soul in arms, cos I’m scared of bereaving one beat closer to my final end.

Wasted kindness on friendships. One person knows what goes in my head.

Anxiety takes grip, and I turn on my only friend.

I don’t wanna feel like an unwanted graze.

Take me to a place I love.

Where people don’t talk in haze .

I don’t ever wanna feel like maple honey stuck to a face.

Take me to a place where I can finally come out from the virginal lace.

It’s hard to see the evil in people.

Harder to believe especially those covered treacle.

Atleast, I have a built in shit detector-

this city knows notof me.

My mask falls when the prison doors close.

I don’t ever wanna feel ignored by tramps with tongues for shoes.

Just get me out of this space where my compassion reduces me to tears,

Ignored,

Singing the wrong type of blues.

Under suicide bridge another man lands face down on the ground.

Blood glitters all in an outline and I’ve got scared .

I’ve got to be prepared.

I won’t throw this body away for another

no show.

*song inspired by Red hot Chilli Peppers ‘ under the bridge’

ACT OF SUICIDE June 2020

OUT OF LIVES

The final demise

Can’t even

Summon up the courage to put my coat on

I know I would get in a dither over which one to wear.

I’d grab my converses

to growl at my fear –

dare it get in the way.

10 minutes

walk

to north bridge

Figure out the best place to land

deliberate if the fall will cause fatality.

II don’t want to strive to take attpents on my life

No dutch courage to tip me over

but a load of bentos

thadon’t know how to make me fall over

anymore

Alone,

Alone

alone

here with my phone

No one to call

Knocked down all ten pins

I win all the games.

I’m thrown out

N one believes I can never miss when ti comes th the kock down

Hey Mr holiday

YOu forgot your flip flops

Finally found the right size –

ah right then I’ll see you in the wind

Blood

dried

scrape

my inner thighs

Damb. I made it die

Life

everything that was

is no more

The battle of the bulge

White flag dido voice lasted four days

The demand to keep the enemy numbers down erupted in wrong strategy

Leaders often cry alone in the dark

or they contuse to rise to power

it’s all a demise

a loss of self, the truth

a departure from humanity

I think I’m nearly there

Oh lord

Fragile

I used run my own show and now Biggest low blow

The phone is live – fuse short

It feels dysfunctionality

Why do I leave as my legacy

Sorry bee -Im a travesty

Dman.

Not one penny left to see

My wedding ring is finite

Born into a shape resembling a homeless shadow

seeking a bright light

The fear

the bug flows have got me

Jah, Can have little of that grounded vibe.

I’m noting but a numvber

Take the [pills

and jump \

If I rise as I wake may I pull the life saver with me to my final; resting place

The fat is kneeding

holding me

I’m not proud to know the self I feel crumble

I’m sane by dealers who see the signs

one direction – this bitch aint benign

So alone -I can’t move – I have no hope to look after me

my daughter, my world

So goodby – bet you all happy to see the last of me.

My mother called me

My mother called me a narcissist

I delayed ringing an exorcist

Eve didn’t want to admit she was too affronted by the orange county housewife

I’ d laugh if it weren’t for the affray

the truth is I’m a direct line of self sabatageoust

my mother called me a narcissist cos i killed myself

she didn’t find it funny when i told her to go along with it

She didn’t get it.

I take up my place as a a dyed goat dressed in sheep

i wonder if I can make it .

i forget

language-so i bleat instead of weep my tears.