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Thoughts about post suicide

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Daisy

LIFE UPDATE

There has been so much going on-trying to write consistently and coherently has and is still a struggle.

I did a major overdose in March 2018 (yes, stupid and I didn’t want to come out of it)-the gory details are :

I could have died and came close to it.

I went through the whole anger and retaliation at the world stampede.

I’m still struggling to cope with EVERYTHING

Yet I’m still here coping with EVERY THING.

I feel like a machine at times — loathe the mundane, monotony  of everyday living.

The enormous amount of stress that we all experience.

I hate this feeling but at the same time I feel the need for routine.

It’s easy to fall into bad  habits. I seem to get into toxic cycles a  lot. I get out of them too.

Oh my hat! After complaining (to whoever would listen)about never getting out open mic gigs; I finally got to  do another open mic night-I got my wish.

It can be an intimidating scene. Pretentious even. I hate the drama and Ego ism that comes with any thing to do with being creative. Best piece of advice I can offer is:

Don’t be like me and think double whiskies are going to make you awesome.

We already are… unless you have complex issues about yourself. Your life, your goals  , etc..

Like me!

So, I did the  open mic 4 minute slot.  😀 I don’t have a problem performing. Of course ,I worry about how I come across, want people to connect and genuinely clap or show interest cos something sets off a spark.

I got caught up in my head. Yesterday, I was on the phone to my mom about it, and I tried to explain the complete sense of emptiness and loss I feel about my eating disorder.

Nobody seems to really get it. And its unfair to expect them to.

It won’t give up on me but I have people who think I’m cool for being me. That is important.

It’s messed up how we can sometimes let our demons wreak havoc and have a full on hour fest with our emotions.

Disconnecting is  defunct for me.

Its standard to my character and way of dealing with life

Connecting is harder and typing about this may seem fucking boring but it seems necessary.

It’s not meant to be a profound post. WOW!  I know how to beat myself up. Don’t you feel we do that far too much? We are. Hard mofo’s on ourselves.

DO you ever feel like guilt will cause you eternal harrowing sorrow?

It will haunt your every moment. Sneak up on every smile.

I want to be loved and want to figure out what I want.

So this is what I have become Doubtful yet I am still full of gumption.

God, I can be so self absorbed.

Suicide is a huge global problem and it’s getting worse.

Check out lil Donald’s positive message about the  suicide endemic .

Get help and speak out.

I’m glad I’m alive. Christ, it’s a hard struggle. An onward battle. There are precious ,sweet moments that make it worth it.

I’m so glad be alive. Yes, I’m repeating that.

The anger has passed as do all things.

Suicide is not the answer. Its final — we don’t know what is on the other side.

What if on the other side we are trapped on one side of a mirror-only able to feel the cold and watch the world without being able to make contact again….

We all need time away from the mundane, from ourselves.

We all have vices ands poisons. Its easy to judge a person by what they use to cope. We walk with the feet that we are born with.

Sometimes we don’t have shoes to wear. It’s often the time we feel most free.  That first contact with bare feet and grass or beach sand is the most grounding and exhilarating feeling a person can experience.

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

I still get to choose

Quick catch up on my life.

 Some of you may know that I had a bit of a blip with my eating disorder in the New year. I stopped eating for a month and became ill and obviously dropped weight, which wrecked chaos in my mind. I started getting panic attacks every time I thought about eating.

Anorexia’s voice managed to find the speakers I had hidden and   turned up the volume. Hate the death metal  music genre. It was terrifying. Where did it come from ? I mean, I ended 2015 on a high. So much to look ahead too with my

volunteering

 the eating disorder support and recovery group

my wedding in 12 weeks!

Saving up to go to Orlando

My pyschatirist who has known me for 10 years and was on leave at the time I was in melt down mode. I saw a different psychiatrist to ask for a medication change. The medication has helped a lot.

What hasn’t shifted is the sadness and the spark I have lost and that doesn’t seem to want to come back from harming myself for that month.

Today I am going to see Doctor J. I’m nervous as hell. I do use a variety of coping  skills and medication is one of them. I’m scared he will change my medication. I don’t know why I have this perpetual fear of my medication being taken off me?

Especially ,the ones that help me with my anxiety and sleep.

One day I want to be rid of all these medications but I need them for a while longer.  I have managed to keep a stable weight -19 bmi. shwee im eye….

 I’m  beyond fatigued of of this illness!

I won’t it to get off my chaise longue and fuck off. Leave it’s wiry bits of fur so I can suck them up with my vacuum and empty the contents in the trash.

Usually, my fears are unfounded.

Writing is another coping skill of mine.

I write this not in the hope that someone will think it is an epic piece of writing. You can  think this if you wish. I won’t say no to that thought 😀

 When I write, exercise ,eat, get out, read and take my medications -the combination is what works for me.

So this is the purpose of my post to relieve the sadness and anxiety –

If you have read up to this point –

REMEMBER

It is okay to  have doubt and feel unbalanced. Having a blip doesn’t have to mean the end of the world.

I am back on track.

I do want point out as a ‘mental note’ to myself and  for whoever is reading this:

is to consider how long it is taking to shift my mood and for my confidence  to come back .  Acknowledging this  might help me from not falling from such a high height if/when the next time my illness comes to stare me down in a dusty old town  – hands ready to draw the gun faster than me.

There can only be one cowboy in this town.

 So, Mental illness, if I am going to have a cowboy in my life I am going to choose who that cowboy will be and I choose this dude

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(IMAGE AND GIF  SOURCED FROM GOOGLE IMAGES)

thoughts about – anorexic mindset

I don’t know if I am the only person who thinks this: but I hate it when I want to type something and I can’t think of a single thing to type. I’v posted so much about my Anorexia, I am bored with it. It is not 100% bored with me.  I am back up to a normal weight. I finally have more energy to work out. It’s one of my greatest coping mechanisms. I need to do it every day but I don’t go on for hours at a time. I really want to help people who are struggling and give them tips on how I manage and how I carry on fighting.

  • I have a great psychiatrist and C.P.N.  – I didn’t think he was so great when he sectioned me but he understands my addictive nature and understands that me wanting to stop the benzos needs to come from me. I am an all or nothing girl. I went from 100 laxatives a day in 2009 to nothing the next day. I haven’t looked back.I stopped smoking cigs in Feb 2015 (admittedly I vape now-still better than all the crap in cigs) 

  • I have my husband to be who doesn’t smoke, drink or take drugs. He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. He tells me he loves me several times a day. I found a true rare diamond.. I had  to sink very low in the ocean with male fish to find him. well we kind of found each other. He is my own blue diamond salvaged from the titanic. He has broken through the ice berg that is my façade and I am finally me again. A better version.

  • I don’t abuse my medication any more. No crazy overdoses. No drugs and at the moment I have given up drinking until my wedding in June.

  • I have a daughter. She is my world. I  want more children. I don’t want the cycle of self harm to continue.

  • I have more respect for others and most importantly for myself. 

  • I have responsibilities 

  • My blog is another of my coping mechanisms. It’s great to connect with others and to have people follow me. What a compliment and a confidence boost.

  • I’ve realised that being real and looking natural and not superficial is more beautiful than any model in a magazine. Celebs you can keep your job! I’ve got to that point where my facebook profile is of me when I just woke up. Birds nest hair, sleep still in my .eyes. I still see some beauty in that picture.  

These changes have slowly built me up to be the character I am today. I know in my recent posts I have been bigging myself up. But who else is going to pat me on the back? 

Exactly,

Faking it until I make it has helped me be more positive – I recommend mantras – they can be so powerful. 

I sound like I have a perfect life. I don’t. I’m poor money wise. I have a small council home and make the best of what I have. I have ruined my teeth due to my illness and drug-taking. I still have to weigh myself twice a day. I have a Dad and a sister and two nieces who live in Africa and I don’t have any kind of relationship with him. I can’t go back in time and show my granddad who I am today. I find it hard to cry. I have thoughts of am I putting on weight? and I panic.  I still have safe and unsafe foods. There are a lot of materialistic things I desire, clothes etc.. 

But, most importantly I have my family and friends and I can’t put a value on them. I know I am getting older and so are the people I love and care about. Death and illness seem closer and I don’t want to lose anyone. I have already lost my aunt to cancer in Feb 2015

I don’t know how to end this post but I wish I knew exactly what can change a persons mind set. I wish people didn’t have to suffer.