It was 13/10/2011. Icelandic temperatures in the U.K. We had zero cash and I was not afraid. Everyone around me; My Nan, my Mom and my Aunt were giving me advice and asking me questions.
“Have a bath. Have sex. Have a curry. Have a bath. Have a … inundated with many opinions and suggestions
My daughter was still not due until a week later. In one week I had had three stretch and sweeps. My Nan had to give us money for fuel to get back to the hospital. After my lovely bath, I went to lie down but I felt rather contrary and decided to check back into the hospital. The midwives said I still had at least 5 cm to go.
So we trudged back into our car for the seemingly long journey home. 10 minutes into the drive home, I felt something that I thought could be a contraction. It wasn’t painful but it was consistent. and it was a real ‘feeling’. I turned to my Nan and said I think I may be contracting. The car swerved and headed back to the hospital. At the hospital, the contractions started to pick up in intensity (not sore just an ‘alien’ feeling). The nurses led me to a room and said they would be back with all their midwifery gear. My Mom and my Aunt arrived.
By this time I was going into panic mode because I didn’t know what to expect. I demanded my drugs and started hitting the gas and air (That was all I asked for). If only I knew how ill too much would make me. I sat on this massive pink blobby ball, bobbing up and down like a confused Buddha. Mom was massaging my shoulders like I was in the wrestler’s seat ready for round one in the ring. DING! DING! DING!
Out of nowhere, I had the urge to get to the toilet. I don’t want to be vulgar though the feminist in me wants to flip the bird and give all the gory details. We need to get over the fact that birth can be ugly.
Moving on. This immense pressure hit me and it felt like I needed a shit. REALITY PEOPLE! Though, it wasn’t the same feeling like the usual order of the bathroom purge. I ran/made a move to go to the toilet and I sat down on it. My mom followed suit and said to me,
” No grandchild of mine is going to be born on the toilet” so she and my aunt took an arm each and propped me up and headed in the direction of the bed.
I got on the bed and screamed out what I needed to do. I wanted to push.
“PUSH” they cried.
Okay…. so I pushed really hard. I heard my Mom say,
” I can see her shoulders, push! “
I gave one almighty push that started from my head (with thoughts of ‘ ‘one more push’ ‘body will obey’) One more push and it was ‘SHOWTIME’, I felt her shoot out of me. A chill stirred by my snakelike placenta laying frigid in between my legs. No cry. The midwives burst in at this moment with a Spanish inquisition manner of urgency about them. All tooled up for their big moment.
“We need to pierce the placenta.”
My little girl was born in the full sac. My body didn’t even have enough time to send a message to tell my body ‘waters you may now burst’.
Still no cry. Then a tiny mew of a cry and they placed her on my chest for a nanosecond and then took her away to make sure she was in top form. They took my girl to another ward to observe her breathing and to make sure the medication I take had not affected her in any way. The midwives broke my waters!
My Mom and Aunt were clapping like a bunch of sea lions and then kissed me on the top of my head and dashed out of the hospital to catch a bus to London! I almost looked around for any discarded popcorn.
I did grab for the gas and air because my daughter had torn me and I needed to be stitched all the way around like a hem of a skirt. I needed some post-labour-pain relief. The whole drive back to the hospital and the labour lasted less than three hours. My baby girl was born on the 13/10/2011 at 03:15 a.m.
All the other Mom’s were super jealous. The easiest birth ever. The worst part was actually having to go to the toilet and not scream out in pain when my stitches had been so cruelly awoken. She has never been a hassle from her birth right up to her fourth birthday. She is such
a placid kid, she is always smiling from morning till night. She tells people they are beautiful and she comments on what people are wearing. She sings and dances. She shares. She is so courageous. There is an old wives tale that children born in the placenta sac are ‘special’. Centuries ago men travelling at sea would wear a part of the sac around their neck as a talisman – it was thought that it would give them protection and stop them from drowning at sea.
So much has happened in my daughter’s 8 years on this planet. People expected you to act like some feral child but no you are the most chilled, charismatic, hilarious, intuitive and smart child I know. I see you blossom and I blossom too. When I hug you to my chest that connection. That surge of emotion puts everything in perspective.
I LOVE YOU!
Our pinkie promise: I promise to love you forever and ever and I will never stop loving you and you will always be my baby girl, pinkie promise.
I know a special girl whose heart is full of sunshine
She dances her way around the world to deliver her own special punchline
She laughs so distinctly that people cannot help but become infected
It is a sight to behold when this observation is detected
She is gracious and kind and is delicately inclined
the phrase 'she is an angel' are the only words that come to mind
Her name means beautiful-that of body, mind and soul
and to have her touch so many lives confirms her title role
She is my modern day princess -so noble and full of grace
I love her with all my being and she is a person that I cannot replace
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my sweet child. You are the true gift
I found it in your innocent eyes and that was the day my world truly began to shift
* A character who appeared in my head with a story to tell*
Paper, rock or scissors?
Choose one and you may win treasures.
Congrats you have received a first year wedding anniversary proposition .
I’m not even married – how is this a gift I can accept ever so gratefully, oh harry?
Will you marry me? I can make it true.
Alison threw a rock -aimed for the right side of Harries’ forehead- blood leaked out leaving his lips blue.
A twisty smile caught the ends of Alison’s mouth.
She needed a pair of scissors to cut out his heart.
Grim, I agree but her character is slightly Magee.
Squiggled by all the paper cut out men she’s collected over the years.
Paper mache collage project- in an attempt to fix her heart.
The glue worked better when she inhaled its fumes.
She would depersonalise from her very self and awake discombobulated- and rather confused.
This is the sad tale of how Alison decided she needed to repair her heart.
She flipped a coin that flipped her mind – all in one turnabout,
she came around -started singing the Hokie Cokie.
Her twisted jive improved when the moon drew in a little closer.
She could almost hear a beating heart – she put her hand to her chest and,
well, she fell apart.
Envious stares at Man Mickey Finn – his heartbeat loudly and glowered within.
He was her first.
The first attempt to re-enter the game of tick tockers.
Little did she know that this manic method would send her over to the bog marsh rockers.
Frozen on ice add a straw and a blueberry, she sipped her amorous bloody cocktail – Mary already had men gouging her blood every day.
Shaken not stirred.
Stern, she was shaking.
What did Mary’s conception have that made men fall head over heel and lap for her attention?
Frowned, knitted eyebrows – she added her rouge splash to the mix.
Men looked straight through her – perhaps she needed a bar of a Twix?
She had a cunning plan- not evolved or well thought out. She turned up her senses whenever men were about.
The throbbing, pulsating came not from the heart.
An alarming discovery – It came from below the waist.
Mary – scarlet virgin? miracle, my arse!.
Poor Alison only wanted to feel desired.
When she went for her next ingredient,
she baulked at its form and tried to appeal to its art.
Phallic and paternal it made her blush from the internal.
How would she get it to stay erect so she could snip it off when it was ready to launch and eject?
She tickled the floating accompanied planets and amusement came out in oohs and aahs.
Just a little longer, Alison thought blustered through scrunched up eyes.
make sure you aim for the right glass and not the glass eye.
The navy would be proud of her solid sea legs.
She mixed this new concoction. so sure she was,
she convinced me she was devout.
Up the straw, the gloopy mixture reached her swollen taste buds.
Horrified she spat it out – perhaps she needed to make it a little more tart.
She came across a nursing mother – whipped out her hunting tools.
Crying Babe clattered to the tarmac. Scattered Mother one breast left on the right side.
Shake it up and down the hatch. She waited for the rush of ardours to pour in.
Misery entered without a courteous knock. Sit down you gapless, toothy banshee of distrust.
Tears were rung around her neck -weighing in at a hefty sized albatross.
The grief of being ignored compelled her into complete disorder.
How could she end this frenzied quest without settling into a forlorn heap of a mess?
Then a thought rainbowed across her mind. It lifted the burdened clouds and she put her hand to mouth to suppress a giggle.
If no one would have her then she knew what was best.
Alison abandoned her empathy in the puddle of complicated attempts to gain acceptance.
She proudly took her first step into her role as the Queen of hearts.
If men wouldn’t love her, she would make sure they could love no other.
What a dreadful tale, is there are moral to end this fable – make it an epic!
I get bonus points if I end this and say she transformed – yes she did and serve this as a warning on how to never ignore the self- proclaimed piously.