When it comes to looking after my own mental health; the one thing I have found hard to control is self-medicating.

• You know -a few drinks mixed with some hardcore benzodiazepine and possibly a smoke of weed -all night and into the morning: is probably not going to do me and my mind and body any good.

I used to self medicate for years. I’ve been mostly stable these past 5 years. Taken my meds as prescribed and trying more holistic ways of coping.

So mindfulness- staying in the moment is a good discipline to practice. CBT -distraction. Finding out what my interests are.

These days I work with mental health charities. I’m trying to make a full-time career from it. It’s amazing what experience and a better state of mental health have done for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not magically cured. On New Years Eve, I met up with a guy I knew would be up for a mad session of partying. Something in me needed to connect. I needed to plug into that buzz I used to get.

Lesson learned for me

Going back to old coping mechanisms to ease my mental health issues is mostly going to end up in tears.

It did.

With me walking home after ‘my friend’ kicked me out of his house saying I was psycho. I can’t remember a lot of the night but I do know that is one heavy accusation coming from someone with his back ground and record.

I don’t usually mind casual use of words like ‘psycho’ and ‘loony’ in certain contexts, although I am mindful when and who I use them with. What did hurt more than anything was him telling me I am a psycho.

These acts of rebellion as I like to call them are few and far between these days. When they do occur I learn the lesson quicker. Go on a downer and then build myself back up within a day or two. I exercise. I do a lot of positive self-talk and I cut ties with the negativity.

I’m pretty chilled and easy to talk to in real life. I am getting married in 6 months to an incredibly supportive man who gets my turbulent acts of rebellion. Of course, they can’t happen too often otherwise the disrespect in our relationship would kind of snip  in two.

It is hard not to self medicate and get on the right medication.  My illness requires tweaking here and there.

The main message I want anyone to take away from this post if any is, that I don’t feel ashamed for having an illness..

I am ashamed of how reckless and out of control I get when I take my mental health for advantage.

It’s 2016. A brand new page. Well, we are four pages into it 🙂

No more parties and highly overrated expectations to waste my money.  and act like a woman with no responsibilities.

As long as do what I can to keep myself on the upper end of the mental health scale,then I know I am doing the best I can.

I could have used other ways to deal with New Year’s Eve but I chose to get ‘crazy’ and relinquish myself and power to my illness.

Mental health issues are hard to gain control of. Sometimes I just live as best as I can. Keep things simple. Keep my life simple. Be a Mum and a sort of responsible person. I have learnt quite a few tools to cope over the past 5 years.

I am more than happy to pass on some tools and ways to cope other than medication. I use a combination. This is my first post so I will go easy.

Get rid of the negative shit in your life. It is so empowering! Once that negative bubble has been popped and you take the first step to the other dark side- lots of cookies, hot chocolate, movies. Simple pleasures. If you take that small step you will start to attract positive people and have positive experiences in your life.

Daisy