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Tell him that..

The most fulfilling start to this month is being able to tell him- another social parasite to fuck off.

Tell him that

He disgusts me & then feel the power of letting go the relationship & blocking him.

A bruised ego like his would not forgive so easily.

The further away these toxic people are out of my life

The closer I am to fulfilling the life my family & I deserve.

Small steps.

Life.

Make each day count.

How do you get through dark moments in your life?

Just wondering…

Bears in man cuff

Walking with man cuffs round the 4 edges of these walls

and every reflection i gaze into

Al I see is those beaten ,bloody paws

the ones that climb into me even when i scream out

I am worth more.

I seek for a relief from this constant itching to feel sweet relief for a few hours

I long for a moment when I can look in the mirror and not see a pair of eyes lower and cowers .

Can’t afford to buy into #bluemonday

The title of  this post says it all.

I have could give. (counting my fingers) at least  10 reasons to ignore reality. I’m  a professional at  life -escapism

I’m on uppers and downers.

I’m in debt.

My  Bee (daughter) is ill.

 The sun remains my disco ball.

It’s (literally) beaming rays of  bright yellow  (as I type)

Us humans  are not a dying species. We’re living in oceanspolluted with plastic  and crazy levels acidification

I filled in a form – to

live on plastic to get by.

Tomorrow I’m still going to be here. I make my own fate.

 I’m not a ray of sunshine.

Far from it.

Bees, (buzz) and almost three quarters of   our earthling friends have been driven to extinction.

My  Bee  had a rough night.  At 7 am I let her play ‘Jurassic Park’ on the xbox.

ha! ha! They  are long gone but never forgotten.

My warped sense of humour   has acted  as my currency today.

I count my blessing because   In my life  I’ve been surrounded around   4 kick ass  ladies- all showing  me  different outlooks on Life.

My Mom – A legend!

My Gran  (who passed away from  vascular dementia and Alzheimers  on  Mothers day last year.

 I have to laugh – what a day to leave this world!

Wherever you are Gran – Thank you!

Tati!  I miss my aunt so much. We had some awesome times together. She died of lung cancer in February 2016.  I know that I’m not the only one who misses someone.

I have my Nan (on holiday in South Africa) who dedicated many years of her life and time to me.

My  Dad couldn’t be assed. I love  him,I don’t want wake up -one day – and realise he’s dead.

Je ne regrette rien’.  Edith Piaf

In my heart ,I respect he was a part of the conception process.  And Yeah.. we are human. Whatever!

THANKS DAD!

I digresse/d….

My Nan took on his role when my Mom or my Gran couldn’t.  Today’s moments   of introspection made me realise, that most of the men I have known in my life have been weak, and spineless . I don’t include my male bros  (in my life)

At least they seem it to me. Not saying they are weak all the time. just saying…….

I’m laughing…  if there is a God  (who clapped his hands ,one day and turned chaos into light. His (always look on  the Bright side of life) son could walk on water but..   he can’t fix a gate.

 

My Grandad -RIP –  I have this image of mim making business deals with every God of every religion. He was a brilliant, eccentric character .

I miss him. I wish I paid more attention to his perspective on life when he was still..

..here.

His favourite saying was: IT’S NOT A TRAIN SMASH

(my gaze drifts to look  out my  window, I strain my ears to listen)

 Nope, No rail tracks in sight  nor Choo Choo trains blasting their horns .

Surely the people who are out  on there on their travels  – trains, planes and automobiles-  are more likely to tempt fate than I am……

It’s been a challenge to  focus  on  getting on with life and writing this post….( without another night of  ‘nada’ / o hours of  sleep)

I’ve had to ‘dig deep’ and  not  wrap myself into  from all the crazy shit that’s happening/ has happened

  I’ve   been singing away the blues.

This moment is … is a gift.  This post probably  doesn’t make sense.  I care about loads of – and  far too many. people

At the same time I’m sure I could be doing more to help myself and others.

(my eyes drift  and settle on making out  images of clouds. Moving so  fast )  being true too it’s nature.

We are human beings. Life is tough and the ones who make it are probably…

…on happy pills .

I’m joking ….

Bad joke. I’m on  medication. Loads of tablets.

Does it help?  Sometimes they serve a purpose – then other days I want to give my all and increase my productivity dosage.

The fact  is I’m still here. That’s  good enough for me.

I’m blessed to have a daughter who commands my maternal instincts to protect her.

Many days have  been more creepy carnival   than Mardi Gras   It can be scary and rather  “trippy ” at times.

I stumble about from one task to the next,

..I suppose things could be worse.

Time to    defibrillate  my spirit into exsistance , whilst singing to the song ‘Staying aliiiiive’

Tomorrow is Tuesday.  Fact.

I’m  rather happy to be in the U.K.  for a change-far away from the Twisted  Trump oddity.

Hello ? what is  he thinking  announcing  that he will only allow white immigrants into The U.S of A. ?  The very day communities come together to ,

To unite and pay respect to his  Sir Reverend  Martin Luther  King ‘s day.

He used community and solidarity to  try gain   human rights.

26 years too late..

This has become  a national service day  in the Americas –

Can you believe  people are encouraged to fight war. To serve their country.

War seems (to me) the opposite of Martin Luther Kings goals.  Okay I know about the Black panthers .

Civil war ,slavery….

Approximately two generations after the prohibition ban on alcohal – (top five most addictive drug consumed in the world)

We have the “Millenials” , men , women , young teenagers  being  encouraged to fight about religion ?  (thinking)  the ongoing opiote  war.  Money?

Get behind

#MLKday for “civilians” who keep the true spirit of  Sir Reverend’s  agenda -to create a strong sense of community.

People of all ages, backgrounds, and abilities can get involved. Just fill in your zip code/ postcode  in the Find a Project box to locate a volunteer opportunity in your community or plan your own project.

MLK DAY

1994  -the  year they decided give  national services day to honour   M.L.K.

This is the same year (I watched on the television) Nelson Mandela,  late president  of South Africa being released after  27 years incarceration on Robin Island.

 

RANDOM FACT

Dr. King was arrested 30 times for his participation in civil rights activities. While Dr. King preached about justice, empowerment, love and peace, in the final months of his life, his attention was turned to fighting poverty. Sadly, more Americans live in poverty today than during Dr. King’s lifetime. Forty-seven million Americans currently fall below the poverty line.

SOURCE

So on that note I will sign off with a song close to my heart . The feature pic is my arm with Make Believe -sunshine will follow the rain – tattooed. Not easy to take when it’s on my left hand and I’m  using my right hand.

Hold up, I’m getting into the swing of writing.

yeah, this tattoo is  one of my Mantras/positive affirmations I use to get by. Life  could be worse. I could wake up colour blind tomorrow…..That would suck.

Nevermind…

Anyway..   I needed to write a post to talk myself out of  self wallowing.

I’ve opened   all my existing debt letters  and I will get back to them…

this week.

Here is the song I  love so much. It  is referenced  in a book I’ve read called ‘the Paris wife’ by  Paula Mclain.

AUDIO PODCAST ON HERE

 

I sang away the blues…….

I know it’s not easy for most people. If I come across as sarcastic-

I am. It helps me laugh instead of cry.

Time to hit publish

Over to Nora bayes and a quote from the King.

make believe……(singing) …..-sunshine will follow the rain.   #Words matters

Just a piece of paper heart

*Something I wrote in November 2017 whilst listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers ‘Give it away’*

 

Throw it away.

Throw it away .

Throw it away now.

 

It’s only a  a paper contract wasted on keeping real life from plugging in.

 

Throw it away.

throw it away.

Throw it away now.

 

What does it matter ,that you will know the out come only appears exactly the same?

 

Throw it away.

Throw it away now.

Throw it away now.

 

Is it ever worth the chase , crave, the chaos , the complications ?

Devastating collision.

 

The battle to assert who has control of the seventh wave.

The seventh.

not you or I

We  came and went.

No compromise .

No middle ground.

One bold walk on that white painted line

brainnav reroutes another path for those falling leaves

Seeking clarity in sage.

 

Do it away.

Do it away

Do it away now.

 

What is there to gain?

debts outstanding

Lives to follow.

Loves to give……

cheese and bread binges coated in butter-

Enough to give the heart a clamorous pounding.

 

Sharks circle —

its pay back time

merely out of interest-

The swell of denial is as shallow as it’s melancholic moan.

 

Cycling up a cyclic cloud

dense ,

depressive

manic mountain

— legless

Armless.

Voiceless to the doubt dubbing over the output time

  chants of Russian bass  erupt from within.

 

My belle — my vie

-La vie est belle avec une sourire

Call me —

no cellphones needed,

pagers

No technology.

Its embedded in our skin.

 

It hovers closely watching my flip switch-

the place I access when I’m doused in self loathing

Ignite the flaming fear of

The who is this person ?

The guilt of having done nothing…

….except find a way to appease unbearable backdraft

One will shatter

the reflection

I know is waiting to conscript  me into progressive lands

For being a  mortal being.

Love

— daughter lights candles to make her seem truly present

A shadow I wish to always welcome in my darkness

Her light  dances carefree abandonment.

Brighter than —

my lowest deeds — time I have not

To go through each error I have made  chewing off  another biro pen.

Smother me from far

With promises of intoxication.

Forget the food inhaled. Overloaded on  negative exposure.

Compromise my self and I lose all that I stand for?

 

I am .

I am not a line or a verse of what I pay for.

I a m self defined.

Believe in these words, little girl

 

Don’t just type — connect  the mind

Believe  life will shine again.

Rain will fall, snow will stick, sun will seek out  all your usual hiding places.

The clouds  create a dullness to reflect what I should be working on

My own grey matter.

 

The longer I let you find a space in my home

the harder it is to part with you and throw you out-

 

Get it out.

Get it out.

Get it out now.

All I have to do is

 

Shout

Shout

Shout it all out.

 

Don’t tempt me, little bruiser.

I’m ready to flush you out.

Life nonsense intolerance

*Complete nonsense trigger warning*  ( inspired by my out of tune singing of Smash mouths-‘all Star’)

 

Hey, now you’re an office fuckstar!

 Bloody frustrated

Orgasms in the office stopped mid-flow,

 then the printer  got jammed,

And made life so

slow.

 

Everybody

Wants a piece of fame.

 It’s dismal.

It’s shallow.

 still, these waters run deep.

swim off to get away from the look at me’ protestors with their self-drawn, scrawled  picket’.

 frustration

Paper overload.

Jam need more than cursing semen.

I’ve got energy  I need to burn up.

Let me feast like queen-on sushi and haute cuisine.

It’s not like I have nothing to do.

I have a to-do list,

Daisy in the Willows believe it or not.

I’m not getting my usual kicks from turning blue.

I’m talking nonsense cos I’m frustrated.

People are fickle.

So, here I  am

typing — wisely refusing to do any ass wiping-

  I’m worth more than a nickel.

Money is a means to an end

Credit – I’m borrowing on limited time only.

Interest served for  these corporations

Who turn my life into a hang man’s noose.

 Game over.

cul de sac

loopy dead end.

Natural-

no makeup-

Everybody wants  a fake bake .

I failed the pencil test rule

I need to buy new lingerie for own my blushing breasts sake.

sexual and passionate-

extremist –

not a fan of

Being  Laid In.

Nonsense.

Not procrastinating.

look at me

I’m transparent-

Casper the ghost has nothing on this glowing skin.

Free verse

I don’t fit in.—

 there’s no scene

Unless I acknowledge it.

Let me be ignorant.

Insight is turning me into some evil mutant

Elementary.

I’m a music whore — to my very core.

Hell has nothing on me-

Sending tickets to remind them I am the serpent from mythic folklore.

Nudity.

Cover up

 Bare skin

 Shut your taboos up .

I have nothing to hide….

-except for a few stretch marks and an imagined belly that resembles  raw pork in a butchers  shop

Shave my head

Take my dignity

Fuck that.

I’m feeling rather ranty.

So much to do.

Typing shit – I’m probably due my meds cos now I’m on Electric Avenue.

Write to recover from mental imbalances.

I’m feeling better-

my memory’s erased from  CBT shock therapy.

Thanks doc , I brought extra-large diapers,

and now I’m better walking round like baby Huey-

quwackers,

with a

 toddler mentality of a pig.

SOS

Before I get diced into a stew with other mashed up veggies.

 

*Apologies for this post* 

 

 

 

 

 

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