Blog Archives

Tell him that..

The most fulfilling start to this month is being able to tell him- another social parasite to fuck off.

Tell him that

He disgusts me & then feel the power of letting go the relationship & blocking him.

A bruised ego like his would not forgive so easily.

The further away these toxic people are out of my life

The closer I am to fulfilling the life my family & I deserve.

Small steps.

Life.

Make each day count.

How do you get through dark moments in your life?

Just wondering…

Just a piece of paper heart

*Something I wrote in November 2017 whilst listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers ‘Give it away’*

 

Throw it away.

Throw it away .

Throw it away now.

 

It’s only a  a paper contract wasted on keeping real life from plugging in.

 

Throw it away.

throw it away.

Throw it away now.

 

What does it matter ,that you will know the out come only appears exactly the same?

 

Throw it away.

Throw it away now.

Throw it away now.

 

Is it ever worth the chase , crave, the chaos , the complications ?

Devastating collision.

 

The battle to assert who has control of the seventh wave.

The seventh.

not you or I

We  came and went.

No compromise .

No middle ground.

One bold walk on that white painted line

brainnav reroutes another path for those falling leaves

Seeking clarity in sage.

 

Do it away.

Do it away

Do it away now.

 

What is there to gain?

debts outstanding

Lives to follow.

Loves to give……

cheese and bread binges coated in butter-

Enough to give the heart a clamorous pounding.

 

Sharks circle —

its pay back time

merely out of interest-

The swell of denial is as shallow as it’s melancholic moan.

 

Cycling up a cyclic cloud

dense ,

depressive

manic mountain

— legless

Armless.

Voiceless to the doubt dubbing over the output time

  chants of Russian bass  erupt from within.

 

My belle — my vie

-La vie est belle avec une sourire

Call me —

no cellphones needed,

pagers

No technology.

Its embedded in our skin.

 

It hovers closely watching my flip switch-

the place I access when I’m doused in self loathing

Ignite the flaming fear of

The who is this person ?

The guilt of having done nothing…

….except find a way to appease unbearable backdraft

One will shatter

the reflection

I know is waiting to conscript  me into progressive lands

For being a  mortal being.

Love

— daughter lights candles to make her seem truly present

A shadow I wish to always welcome in my darkness

Her light  dances carefree abandonment.

Brighter than —

my lowest deeds — time I have not

To go through each error I have made  chewing off  another biro pen.

Smother me from far

With promises of intoxication.

Forget the food inhaled. Overloaded on  negative exposure.

Compromise my self and I lose all that I stand for?

 

I am .

I am not a line or a verse of what I pay for.

I a m self defined.

Believe in these words, little girl

 

Don’t just type — connect  the mind

Believe  life will shine again.

Rain will fall, snow will stick, sun will seek out  all your usual hiding places.

The clouds  create a dullness to reflect what I should be working on

My own grey matter.

 

The longer I let you find a space in my home

the harder it is to part with you and throw you out-

 

Get it out.

Get it out.

Get it out now.

All I have to do is

 

Shout

Shout

Shout it all out.

 

Don’t tempt me, little bruiser.

I’m ready to flush you out.

Keeping it real

My beliefs haven’t changed. I do believe in the content of my posts. I just want to say that I also have shit days when I don’t feel so accepting of my looks and body and the rest of all that is me. I also want validation through superficial social media websites. The last two days have been pretty fucking miserable. Usually exercise, blogging, interacting with blogs, volunteering, working on new projects and finding ways to be positive with one or two of ‘mothers little helpers; help shift the doom and gloom.

 

Got to give me a break.

Talk and write the truth. This usually works. Write -freestyle it and post. Don’t check if someone may or may not like what I have to say. Minimum editing. None if possible. Small spell check. Hit the publish button, making sure I have attached all files titled ‘vacuous negative energy’ to it, blast it into the blogosphere -somewhere- all the words unravel and collide with an Infinitum of other unread words.

They may or may not get read. Usually, people who enjoy jigsaw puzzles get these kinds of posts.  Guess what? I hate jigsaws!

Bit blunt?  Sure?

 I guess the whole aim of this post is to free myself -Let it all hang out.

So, yeah. I’ not happy and self-accepting all the time. I work at it and I don’t give up. I’m not one dimensional.

I try.

I try to give Happiness and Self-acceptance a secure bosom to lie their heads against. I don’t want doubt, negativity and self hate to  nestle it’s way onto my bosom and go

“Oh look tits! We are gonna suck every last drop of Happiness and Self-acceptance out of them until they a flaccid, wrinkled and bruised.” 

Villainous laughter like “mwahwhwhahahaha” or some other shit. Then they take my head full of shit and slam dunk it. Yes, those three.

They will make me think that me accepting myself and being happy can’t happen outside my mind. They will try and repress the independence of my native tongue. They will find a way to make my rediscovered language seem like a myth– folklore…

It never happened.

There were never words such as Happiness and Self-acceptance. There was never a language that was not approved by them. 

This is why I won’t stop writing empowering posts. Like ‘body image awareness’. Yes, I agree when I try and speak this language, sometimes, I feel like an idiot, a foreigner. I quickly lose my confidence  when I pronounce  it wrong. Use it in the ‘wrong’ context. Oh, how quick my enthusiasm to live freely is so quickly caught up in a net -stenched  in mockery and jibes. HOW DARE I? 

DARE OR TRUTH? I DO BOTH.

I fight to be happy -truly happy- no superficial bullshit

I fight to love my body and me- no superficial bullshit

Always keeping it real

Domestic violence- my reflections

  • Once you’ve been knocked about and taken a couple of punches to the face DO NOT run after your partner and console him and say ‘We will work it out’

  • Do not have sympathy for his anger/ low self-confidence issues and his ‘justified’ reasons. Just because he got bullied in the army, it does not  give anyone the excuse to abuse someone

  • Don’t kind of) move in weeks into knowing the guy/gal

  • Drinking may seem like fun at the time but if you wake up and you take a good look around you and see the house is a tip/ filth everywhere, and you are a neat freak. Don’t offer to stay and help sort out the house

  • don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into ‘liking’ his sexual fetishes. If you feel dead inside while you are screwing, then it may be a sign that you are not in a relationship with healthy sexual boundaries

  • Don’t use all your money to keep him going

  • Don’t stop looking after yourself – if you love to wear make up. Don’t stop. If he loves your hair up, don’t stop wearing it down sometimes

  • Don’t fall pregnant 5 weeks into the relationship.

  • Do not allow yourself to be coerced into taking your on/off partner with you to get an Abortion. He will make you feel like a murderer for the remainder of your days with him

  • Don’t start drinking heavily after the Abortion and sleep with on/off ex days after the abortion -you may just fall pregnant again

  • Do not feel you have to take the blame for the reason he can’t keep hold of a job/ house/ or pay the bills- this might lead you to taking him and his two son’s( who he sees on weekends) to set up bunk beds in the living room  and use your your one bedroom cottage as a ‘family home’.

  • If you take a serious overdose and your partner does not seek help in the 4/5 days you are unconscious -it is not a good enough an excuse to say he knows ‘First aid’ and didn’t feel the need to ring A&E

  • If he knows you have an eating disorder and he starts to call you ‘affectionate’ names such as ‘elephant feet’ – you will probably feel shit about yourself and rate yourself a zero

  • If your cat won’t leave your side and growls and runs under the bed every time she senses your partners presence – Your cat/dog/pet might be on to something

  • If you want to get married and your partner is already married but separated and has no money to afford a divorce– maybe you need to assess your priorities

  • Don’t drink and take drugs or benzos – you will probably black out and stories about you being violent may crop up.

  • If you want to move and get out of a room and your partner blocks the way, don’t cower away

  • Don’t let your partner threaten to make you homeless if you don’t buy him a new car, because you apparently lost the keys to the car. You then find the ‘lost’ car keys in his sons drawers, after you have bought the car,with your student finance money.

  • If you need to have micro surgery on your arm after your partner smashes your arm into double glazed window. Don’t allow him to stay with you at the hospital, especially when the doctor wants a private word with you and you only

  • If you suddenly start losing all your friends and ignore their advice then you are probably firmly  tangled into your partners web.The predator’s  rules rule. You are more likely to believe your friends are false and affirm you are not likeable

  • If you have an argument on Christmas eve, when you are both drunk and you black out, and then find yourself in a cell on Christmas day. Don’t just believe your partners version of events and what he tells the police.

  • If your partner keeps on making you homeless. DO NOT  write emails back and forth begging him to let you come home and begging him/her to love you. It is a mind game. One of many that your partner chooses to control you. rendering you weak and inferior

  • If you are in a crowd with people socialising don’t look at your partner. He may give you looks like what you are saying is stupid,  it may make you stop talking because you think that his manner and expression is what every one else is thinking

  • If your partner threatens that if you ever try to leave him he will make sure your child will be taken away from you – you need to do some serious thinking

  • If you are arguing and he punches you n the stomach when you are 3 months pregnant – think about the life inside you and what his motives are for punching you where you baby is growing

  • If you go out and come back home and you get the silent treatment. Don’t fall into the trap of asking him what is up with him. He may use this as an excuse to throw you around and accuse you of flirting/ kissing another guy/s. It may also give him the excuse to ‘punish’ you sexually.

  • If your mother sees red every time his name is mentioned or when they meet up -maybe your Mom has a good reason. Ask her.

  • The first time your meet his mom and have a girlie natter over coffee and his own mother warns you not to give up your home and questions you about his drinking habits. She may be telling you something – In fact this is a BIG RED WARNING SIGN THAT THIS MAY NOT TURN OUT WELL.

  • If he sits in a corner rolling his eyes while you are in labour screaming and grunting and pushing your baby out of you -he is possibly the biggest dick ever

  • Don’t tell him he has a small dick when you are drunk. You will probably pay for it somewhere down the line. Mental abuse is pretty potent.

  • If you have to stay in hospital for longer than necessary due to mental/ physical health issues and he won’t leave your side -not even to brush his teeth or take a shower- he may just be worried someone will want to talk with you.

  • If he has to leave your side to feed your cat and the midwife asks you questions about your relationship. Talk to her!

  • If you are afraid to leave him with your child,or even for him to hold your baby -trust your instincts. Something is probably seriously wrong with this relationship

  • If you are advised to put your surname on your child’s birth certificate -maybe ask why. Someone may be trying to tell you something

  • If you keep on over dosing regularly in the relationship. Perhaps you are not happy and need to think about your options

  • If you find your partner talking to  other girls on-line and leaving the laptop wide open for anyone to see – you are been played and there is some serious mind fucking going one

  • If you have given up your home and have had to find a new home, seven months pregnant, because you have been thrown out AGAIN – perhaps this partner doesn’t give a shit

  • If your partner lets you do most of the painting in your new home  and carry most of the shopping bags in the latter stage of your pregnancy – this says a lot about his character and his views on how he sees females

  • If you are watching the ‘X factor’ with him and Nicole Sherzinger comes on in dancing and singing a provocative dress and he slams his beer down and starts shouting, that she deserves to be raped, No child of his will be allowed to dress like that- RUN!

  • If he puts his other two sons before your child -this too says a lot about his character and possibly what he thinks about the female gender

  • If you splurge out on loads of gifts for his birthday,. say you get him a watch with the names of his children and the date of  each of their birth dates engraved on the back. When you present him with his gifts, and if all he has to say is ‘you got S’s birth-date wrong’ -He is a cunt.

  • If you are in the worst place mentally and physically and are finding it hard to cope when he is around. You carry on drinking too cope when you are around him and have another blackout. You may wake up in a cell again and be told you need a lawyer.

  • Why? because your partner may have said you assaulted your child and shook her. Then he goes  to seek legal advice the next day to try and get full parental responsibility over your child-  due to your poor mental health:it is time to get your armour on and prepare for battle

  • If social services become involved and it looks like he is losing the battle and he agrees with social services to have your child adopted at 12 weeks old. Try hard not to pay a sniper to take him out

  • If you get your child back after 16 months of fighting social services and your ex-partner -and he then wants nothing to do with your child ever! THANK THE BASTARD  for finally doing something positive in the entire relationship.

Finally can I take this opportunity to tell you about the global event on 05/03/2016 –ONE BILLION RISING CAMPAIGN  . Do try and get involved wherever you live in this world of ours. I’m trying to get to London to be a part of this revolution. Money permitting. 

And finally…….

Self medicate

When it comes to looking after my own mental health; the one thing I have found hard to control is self-medicating.

  • You know -a few drinks mixed with some hardcore benzodiazepine and possibly a smoke of weed -all night and into the morning: is probably not going to do me and my mind and body any good.

I used to self medicate for years. I’ve been mostly stable these past 5 years. Taken my meds as prescribed and trying more holistic ways of coping.

So mindfulness- staying in the moment is a good discipline to practice. CBT -distraction. Finding out what my interests are.

These days I work with mental health charities. I’m trying to make a full-time career from it. It’s amazing what experience and a better state of mental health have done for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not magically cured. On New Years Eve, I met up with a guy I knew would be up for a mad session of partying. Something in me needed to connect. I needed to plug into that buzz I used to get.

Lesson learned for me

Going back to old coping mechanisms to ease my mental health issues is mostly going to end up in tears.

It did.

With me walking home after ‘my friend’ kicked me out of his house saying I was psycho. I can’t remember a lot of the night but I do know that is one heavy accusation coming from someone with his back ground and record.

I don’t usually mind casual use of words like ‘psycho’ and ‘loony’ in certain contexts, although I am mindful when and who I use them with. What did hurt more than anything was him telling me I am a psycho.

These acts of rebellion as I like to call them are few and far between these days. When they do occur I learn the lesson quicker. Go on a downer and then build myself back up within a day or two. I exercise. I do a lot of positive self-talk and I cut ties with the negativity.

I’m pretty chilled and easy to talk to in real life. I am getting married in 6 months to an incredibly supportive man who gets my turbulent acts of rebellion. Of course, they can’t happen too often otherwise the disrespect in our relationship would kind of snip  in two.

It is hard not to self medicate and get on the right medication.  My illness requires tweaking here and there.

The main message I want anyone to take away from this post if any is, that I don’t feel ashamed for having an illness..

I am ashamed of how reckless and out of control I get when I take my mental health for advantage.

It’s 2016. A brand new page. Well, we are four pages into it 🙂

No more parties and highly overrated expectations to waste my money.  and act like a woman with no responsibilities.

As long as do what I can to keep myself on the upper end of the mental health scale,then I know I am doing the best I can.

I could have used other ways to deal with New Year’s Eve but I chose to get ‘crazy’ and relinquish myself and power to my illness.

Mental health issues are hard to gain control of. Sometimes I just live as best as I can. Keep things simple. Keep my life simple. Be a Mum and a sort of responsible person. I have learnt quite a few tools to cope over the past 5 years.

I am more than happy to pass on some tools and ways to cope other than medication. I use a combination. This is my first post so I will go easy.

Get rid of the negative shit in your life. It is so empowering! Once that negative bubble has been popped and you take the first step to the other dark side- lots of cookies, hot chocolate, movies. Simple pleasures. If you take that small step you will start to attract positive people and have positive experiences in your life.

Daisy

 

 

 

 

 

GRADUATION DRESS

So Graduation dress hunting should be fun, right?

BIG THUMBS DOWN

GOT THE HAT SORTED

GOT THE HAT SORTED

I thought I had found the perfect dress but three weeks later and I’m starting to think the outfit is not special enough and doesn’t suit my physique. Here is  the dilemma; I may be an Anorexic in recovery but I lived my life in wearing clothes that would become bigger and bigger for me and show off only parts like my collar bone or hip bone that I wanted to show. 

I now have a ‘normal BMI’ and my body shape has changed A LOT! 

I look in the mirror and I am unsure of the body I see. I don’t see a completed body but fragments of it. No matter how hard I focus my eyes, squint, do double takes, catch my reflection out. I don’t see a full body but parts of it. This is very frustrating when trying to buy a dress online. I don’t know what suits me.  I am of course going out to celebrate after the ceremony so my dress won’t be hidden by those drab cloaks they make us wear.And so the quest for a dress continues.

WISH ME LUCK