The most fulfilling start to this month is being able to tell him- another social parasite to fuck off.
Tell him that
He disgusts me & then feel the power of letting go the relationship & blocking him.
A bruised ego like his would not forgive so easily.
The further away these toxic people are out of my life
The closer I am to fulfilling the life my family & I deserve.
Make each day count.
How do you get through dark moments in your life?
Walking with man cuffs round the 4 edges of these walls
and every reflection i gaze into
Al I see is those beaten ,bloody paws
the ones that climb into me even when i scream out
I am worth more.
I seek for a relief from this constant itching to feel sweet relief for a few hours
I long for a moment when I can look in the mirror and not see a pair of eyes lower and cowers .
The title of this post says it all.
I have could give. (counting my fingers) at least 10 reasons to ignore reality. I’m a professional at life -escapism
I’m on uppers and downers.
I’m in debt.
My Bee (daughter) is ill.
The sun remains my disco ball.
It’s (literally) beaming rays of bright yellow (as I type)
Us humans are not a dying species. We’re living in oceanspolluted with plastic and crazy levels acidification
I filled in a form – to
live on plastic to get by.
Tomorrow I’m still going to be here. I make my own fate.
I’m not a ray of sunshine.
Far from it.
Bees, (buzz) and almost three quarters of our earthling friends have been driven to extinction.
My Bee had a rough night. At 7 am I let her play ‘Jurassic Park’ on the xbox.
ha! ha! They are long gone but never forgotten.
My warped sense of humour has acted as my currency today.
I count my blessing because In my life I’ve been surrounded around 4 kick ass ladies- all showing me different outlooks on Life.
My Mom – A legend!
My Gran (who passed away from vascular dementia and Alzheimers on Mothers day last year.
I have to laugh – what a day to leave this world!
Wherever you are Gran – Thank you!
Tati! I miss my aunt so much. We had some awesome times together. She died of lung cancer in February 2016. I know that I’m not the only one who misses someone.
I have my Nan (on holiday in South Africa) who dedicated many years of her life and time to me.
My Dad couldn’t be assed. I love him,I don’t want wake up -one day – and realise he’s dead.
Je ne regrette rien’. Edith Piaf
In my heart ,I respect he was a part of the conception process. And Yeah.. we are human. Whatever!
My Nan took on his role when my Mom or my Gran couldn’t. Today’s moments of introspection made me realise, that most of the men I have known in my life have been weak, and spineless . I don’t include my male bros (in my life)
At least they seem it to me. Not saying they are weak all the time. just saying…….
I’m laughing… if there is a God (who clapped his hands ,one day and turned chaos into light. His (always look on the Bright side of life) son could walk on water but.. he can’t fix a gate.
My Grandad -RIP – I have this image of mim making business deals with every God of every religion. He was a brilliant, eccentric character .
I miss him. I wish I paid more attention to his perspective on life when he was still..
His favourite saying was: IT’S NOT A TRAIN SMASH
(my gaze drifts to look out my window, I strain my ears to listen)
Nope, No rail tracks in sight nor Choo Choo trains blasting their horns .
Surely the people who are out on there on their travels – trains, planes and automobiles- are more likely to tempt fate than I am……
It’s been a challenge to focus on getting on with life and writing this post….( without another night of ‘nada’ / o hours of sleep)
I’ve had to ‘dig deep’ and not wrap myself into from all the crazy shit that’s happening/ has happened
I’ve been singing away the blues.
This moment is … is a gift. This post probably doesn’t make sense. I care about loads of – and far too many. people
At the same time I’m sure I could be doing more to help myself and others.
(my eyes drift and settle on making out images of clouds. Moving so fast ) being true too it’s nature.
We are human beings. Life is tough and the ones who make it are probably…
…on happy pills .
I’m joking ….
Bad joke. I’m on medication. Loads of tablets.
Does it help? Sometimes they serve a purpose – then other days I want to give my all and increase my productivity dosage.
The fact is I’m still here. That’s good enough for me.
I’m blessed to have a daughter who commands my maternal instincts to protect her.
Many days have been more creepy carnival than Mardi Gras It can be scary and rather “trippy ” at times.
I stumble about from one task to the next,
..I suppose things could be worse.
Time to defibrillate my spirit into exsistance , whilst singing to the song ‘Staying aliiiiive’
Tomorrow is Tuesday. Fact.
I’m rather happy to be in the U.K. for a change-far away from the Twisted Trump oddity.
Hello ? what is he thinking announcing that he will only allow white immigrants into The U.S of A. ? The very day communities come together to ,
To unite and pay respect to his Sir Reverend Martin Luther King ‘s day.
He used community and solidarity to try gain human rights.
26 years too late..
This has become a national service day in the Americas –
Can you believe people are encouraged to fight war. To serve their country.
War seems (to me) the opposite of Martin Luther Kings goals. Okay I know about the Black panthers .
Civil war ,slavery….
Approximately two generations after the prohibition ban on alcohal – (top five most addictive drug consumed in the world)
We have the “Millenials” , men , women , young teenagers being encouraged to fight about religion ? (thinking) the ongoing opiote war. Money?
#MLKday for “civilians” who keep the true spirit of Sir Reverend’s agenda -to create a strong sense of community.
1994 -the year they decided give national services day to honour M.L.K.
This is the same year (I watched on the television) Nelson Mandela, late president of South Africa being released after 27 years incarceration on Robin Island.
Dr. King was arrested 30 times for his participation in civil rights activities. While Dr. King preached about justice, empowerment, love and peace, in the final months of his life, his attention was turned to fighting poverty. Sadly, more Americans live in poverty today than during Dr. King’s lifetime. Forty-seven million Americans currently fall below the poverty line.
So on that note I will sign off with a song close to my heart . The feature pic is my arm with Make Believe -sunshine will follow the rain – tattooed. Not easy to take when it’s on my left hand and I’m using my right hand.
Hold up, I’m getting into the swing of writing.
yeah, this tattoo is one of my Mantras/positive affirmations I use to get by. Life could be worse. I could wake up colour blind tomorrow…..That would suck.
Anyway.. I needed to write a post to talk myself out of self wallowing.
I’ve opened all my existing debt letters and I will get back to them…
Here is the song I love so much. It is referenced in a book I’ve read called ‘the Paris wife’ by Paula Mclain.
I sang away the blues…….
I know it’s not easy for most people. If I come across as sarcastic-
I am. It helps me laugh instead of cry.
Time to hit publish
Over to Nora bayes and a quote from the King.
make believe……(singing) …..-sunshine will follow the rain. #Words matters
*Something I wrote in November 2017 whilst listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers ‘Give it away’*
Throw it away.
Throw it away .
Throw it away now.
It’s only a a paper contract wasted on keeping real life from plugging in.
Throw it away.
throw it away.
Throw it away now.
What does it matter ,that you will know the out come only appears exactly the same?
Throw it away.
Throw it away now.
Throw it away now.
Is it ever worth the chase , crave, the chaos , the complications ?
The battle to assert who has control of the seventh wave.
not you or I
We came and went.
No compromise .
No middle ground.
One bold walk on that white painted line
brainnav reroutes another path for those falling leaves
Seeking clarity in sage.
Do it away.
Do it away
Do it away now.
What is there to gain?
Lives to follow.
Loves to give……
cheese and bread binges coated in butter-
Enough to give the heart a clamorous pounding.
Sharks circle —
its pay back time
merely out of interest-
The swell of denial is as shallow as it’s melancholic moan.
Cycling up a cyclic cloud
Voiceless to the doubt dubbing over the output time
chants of Russian bass erupt from within.
My belle — my vie
-La vie est belle avec une sourire
Call me —
no cellphones needed,
Its embedded in our skin.
It hovers closely watching my flip switch-
the place I access when I’m doused in self loathing
Ignite the flaming fear of
The who is this person ?
The guilt of having done nothing…
….except find a way to appease unbearable backdraft
One will shatter
I know is waiting to conscript me into progressive lands
For being a mortal being.
— daughter lights candles to make her seem truly present
A shadow I wish to always welcome in my darkness
Her light dances carefree abandonment.
Brighter than —
my lowest deeds — time I have not
To go through each error I have made chewing off another biro pen.
Smother me from far
With promises of intoxication.
Forget the food inhaled. Overloaded on negative exposure.
Compromise my self and I lose all that I stand for?
I am .
I am not a line or a verse of what I pay for.
I a m self defined.
Believe in these words, little girl
Don’t just type — connect the mind
Believe life will shine again.
Rain will fall, snow will stick, sun will seek out all your usual hiding places.
The clouds create a dullness to reflect what I should be working on
My own grey matter.
The longer I let you find a space in my home
the harder it is to part with you and throw you out-
Get it out.
Get it out.
Get it out now.
All I have to do is
Shout it all out.
Don’t tempt me, little bruiser.
I’m ready to flush you out.
*Complete nonsense trigger warning* ( inspired by my out of tune singing of Smash mouths-‘all Star’)
Hey, now you’re an office fuckstar!
Orgasms in the office stopped mid-flow,
then the printer got jammed,
And made life so
Wants a piece of fame.
still, these waters run deep.
swim off to get away from the look at me’ protestors with their self-drawn, scrawled picket’.
Jam need more than cursing semen.
I’ve got energy I need to burn up.
Let me feast like queen-on sushi and haute cuisine.
It’s not like I have nothing to do.
I have a to-do list,
Daisy in the Willows believe it or not.
I’m not getting my usual kicks from turning blue.
I’m talking nonsense cos I’m frustrated.
People are fickle.
So, here I am
typing — wisely refusing to do any ass wiping-
I’m worth more than a nickel.
Money is a means to an end
Credit – I’m borrowing on limited time only.
Interest served for these corporations
Who turn my life into a hang man’s noose.
cul de sac
loopy dead end.
Everybody wants a fake bake .
I failed the pencil test rule
I need to buy new lingerie for own my blushing breasts sake.
sexual and passionate-
not a fan of
Being Laid In.
look at me
Casper the ghost has nothing on this glowing skin.
I don’t fit in.—
there’s no scene
Unless I acknowledge it.
Let me be ignorant.
Insight is turning me into some evil mutant
I’m a music whore — to my very core.
Hell has nothing on me-
Sending tickets to remind them I am the serpent from mythic folklore.
Shut your taboos up .
I have nothing to hide….
-except for a few stretch marks and an imagined belly that resembles raw pork in a butchers shop
Shave my head
Take my dignity
I’m feeling rather ranty.
So much to do.
Typing shit – I’m probably due my meds cos now I’m on Electric Avenue.
Write to recover from mental imbalances.
I’m feeling better-
my memory’s erased from CBT shock therapy.
Thanks doc , I brought extra-large diapers,
and now I’m better walking round like baby Huey-
toddler mentality of a pig.
Before I get diced into a stew with other mashed up veggies.
*Apologies for this post*