I AM SO A GRADUATE WITH A BACHELOR OF ARTS WITH HONOURS (in the arts and humanities)
I haven’t had my graduation ceremony yet and with all that has happened this year, I totally forgot that I have finally finished my degree. My other half was going ballistic (in a good way) and looked at me and asked me why I looked so down. I guess either I am still in shock or I don’t think it is that big a deal compared to what other goals and shit I have had to focus on this year. So let me high 5 myself and reflect on how the path to get my degree became – the successful one.
Way back in 2007,I had just come out of the hospital with a BMI of 16. I enrolled at my local college in the U.K. to do my BA in acting performance.
I was with a lovely group of talented individuals and managed one term. I was quickly losing more weight again and my mental health went down. I could not maintain a low BMI. I either had to go lower or higher and I went lower. I managed to get merit (when they still called it that) for my classical acting. How amazing is that?
I wanted to engage with my group but I couldn’t shift the anorexia. I had become a sub-host to it.
Back in 2008, I decided to have another go at it. I had gained a normal amount of weight. I met a seemingly lovely man who swept me off my feet. He worked in the army and ended up going on tour for 3 months in Canada. I went to live in Barcelona with my Aunt for a few months and partied hard. Hit Ibiza with my cuz and when I came back to the U.K I was ready to piece my life back together.
The night I arrived back in the U.K. was the same night the army guy got back and he came straight to see me, bringing me little gifts back from his tour. I was so touched and couldn’t believe we had another chance to get to know this one another again and give him my heart. I invited him for a meal at my Nan’s house the following evening as he was rather ‘fatigued'(such an elegant way of putting it) from his flight.
The following day he texted me to tell me he was getting his car serviced and would see me later. Later turned into 6pm And 8pm and then 9pm. The curry was losing it’s cool. I rang him asking him why he hadn’t pitched up and he completely dissed me on the phone and told me he was with his family and I can’t make him choose his family over me! WTAF?
If he had explained that he wanted to be with his family then I would of got it.-The lovely army guy broke my heart. He didn’t want to be with me. I internalised all this as my fault. I had put on weight, I had been homeless and had recently found somewhere in the U.K. to live and I thought I wasn’t good enough. I remember walking my Nan from my new home to the bus stop and I broke down. I didn’t know how much I liked this guy until I felt my heart tearing. Each sob caused another tear and another.
In 2009 I was finally in a better place and I was ready for another attempt to get a degree in the arts arena. I started a two Foundation Degree with 24 students. By week two that had whittled down to 7 students. Again a totally different bunch of lovely people. I fucked up. I stopped taking my meds. I was trying so hard to fit in but I guess I felt a bit intimidated by all the talented actors and talent. I didn’t know then that they were all just as frightened of failing as me. At first I was coping and I managed to go out get wasted and silly and form friendships. Standard uni stuff. One night a girl on my course rang me and told me to come out. She said the night was on her. I got dressed and put on my party face even though at that time I was taking 100 laxatives a day.
When people asked me out I would say ‘Awesome. I will be there’ I had a bad habit and once I had taken those tablets I was ill. I mean of course, I had the shits. Haha. Never thought I would be typing this but the moment before I purged I had stomach cramps that pushed and pulled and stabbed at me from the inside. I couldn’t walk from the spasms. SO that night I gave a big fuck you to Anorexia and went out to have some fun and bond with some friends.
My taxi pulled up at ‘the only reputable club’ in that locality and I saw my college friend wave at me and she was laughing and she gave me £50 and told me to come with her. It was a bit. Well, I was sober and everyone else was hammered. I didn’t find it funny. I wasn’t in the zone yet. I went to the bathroom and then I went to look for the pack and I couldn’t find them anywhere.
My mobile battery died and I turned around to the first person I saw to ask that person if I could use their mobile. I happened to bump into the person who went on to degrade and disrespect me in the most colourful and inventive ways. I couldn’t find anyone so we went back to mine and drank until………… I passed out mid-sentence.
This guy wouldn’t leave me alone. He was lovely at first but really full-on. I tried to back away. My friends told me he looked creepy. Leave him alone.
A guy from uni came up to me and told me that creepy ex was well and truly creepy and to stay away. Did I listen? no, I let my insecurities get the better of me. I melted into his world. At first it was flattering that someone would want to be around me so much. I didn’t think I was going to get in a relationship with him. I was trying to make friends and I had my eyes on someone else.
Out of respect to my daughter, I won’t go into a diatribe of events. He tried to take my soul. When he couldn’t have all of me he came up with a cunning plan to try and take my life away from me. Our daughter. During this time I could feel Anorexia clawing it’s way back inside. Cold, damp and merciless. I couldn’t allow it home again. I reached out to a couple I know and went on to meet my future husband to be. Before you judge- I have had my karma. I nearly lost my daughter as you may know from previous posts. I had time on my hands. Instead of being a full-time Mom to my daughter, I was a 10 hour per week Mom instead.
I decided while I battled it out in the court arena with social services and my creepy ex I would resume my studies. This time not in a mainstream uni but an online one. I worked my toosh off and today I can say I am a graduate. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my partner and my family.
DON’T JUDGE -if you can help it. That is a huge lesson I’ve learned. This piece of paper means so much more than the letters printed on it. It is a symbol – a tangible piece that reminds me of how I got to this place where I am today. I’m a bride to be with a gorgeous daughter who will be four in October. I’m working with mental health charities and I am a stable weight- super healthy. I don’t smoke. I drink mostly water ( with the odd cocktail of course) , I exersise. I am a success. I am proud of me. No one can take that from me. I won’t let them. Always be ready to learn a bit more. I may have officially finished learning but I will not let that stop me from learning in other ways. I treat every experience in my life as a learning curve. Always look for the silver lining no matter how bleak.
“Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” -UNKNOWN
Ha! I love this quote. I very rarely let myself truly chill out and veg. This weekend was the first weekend and time in over a year that I have given my mind and body a true chance to chill and enjoy being in the moment.
Why do we think that what we do is– nothing? not enough?
I look back over the years and, at this moment in time, no, I don’t have a 9-5 job.
However, I have been working harder than I would, ( I am talking about me here), say if I had been working in a 9-5 job.
I’ve only just realised how important it is to take some time away from my work and what I do.
I love being active and in the last couple weeks-everything, I love to do stopped being fun any more.
I was even getting stressed out about some of the things I do to wind down, an example is Blogging. It was having the opposite effect. I was getting way too grumpy.
I even thought of taking a break from it.
I have just realised that all I needed was a couple of days to
not get too worried about being up to date with my posts
not work out to my most difficult dance work out session
not only seeming to eat bloody fruit until the wedding.
not having to be the most awesome .. insert title here……
not worry an have that inner belief that I can give my all in whatever I have going on next week.
It’s Sunday and I woke up at 10. It does help to have a Bella Bee free night.
I didn’t wake up at 5 am to start blogging and reading blogs. I know I can do that later on today and this week and next week and the week after that.
Here is the philosophical bit.
I don’t know if it is age but my mental state is finally starting to shift.
I have my goals but I have finally started to stop trying to prove to people that they have to like me or what I do or say or write.
I care about a lot of people and support many people here and in my “real life” but I now know I don’t need their approval.
Not all people will get me or you.
Don’t take it to heart.
Usually, if someone seems to ignore you, is hostile, is not consistent with how they treat you. If you are always left feeling drained or uncomfortable and generally bummed out around certain people.
99% of the time, it is not something you need to figure out.
It is usually all about what that person has going on in their head.
People who judge and are critical to others, try and target the people who are themselves and who are 100% genuine and happy with what they are doing and where they are going. Haters try to make you question if you are good enough with what you do or have. They never give you anything but a serious doubt in your abilities.
Usually, whatever seems like a reflection on you and who you are and how you are – isn’t.
I know I am the only person who knows myself better than anyone. If I trust my gut instincts, I know how to reign myself in, reflect on my own judgements and check out what is going on with me.
Not everyone is comfortable with the fact I don’t hide certain ‘”skeletons” of my life in an overflowing wardrobe, that I supposedly should be ashamed to share.
My thinking is – I share them because I fucking got over them.
If you don’t like that I am not all caught up in an eternal self- mind fuckery, that is your problem, not mine.
I and you. We all have a life to live.
There is a great life out there to see and experience. We need to take time to chill and do our own thing. Even if it seems like we are doing nothing. We are usually doing a lot.
I am convinced that all the things I have lined up for this next week -will be tackled with 100% passion and commitment.
I’m feeling fresh, energised (amazing what a few haribos can do)
That’s it from me.
Though the light may fade.
Dark shades heighten the Euphoric daze
Forgotten words wasted on ill-gotten behaviors.
In that quagmire
Still driven to send out a vigil of hope.
Buried within me.
Buried under a myriad haunted ghost.
What keeps disarming me
Whose charm beckons me to this world?
When I open my eyes
Betrayed by curiosity in gazing outwards.
Look back at the words you have’ written.
Be inspired that you wrote them!
Sweep those sneaky snide comments out through the back door
How dare they Prevent this form of self-expression.
words made up of simple dimples are all we need
He cautiously peers out
perched a top
the Jonnies rotting,
Infected tears confidently descend
To the basement days
when his best foot turned all the bedheads.
Don’t over -care
Don’t Glare without an ending for sentence as to what grows out from your mind.
Hauled up in dusty webbed rags of self-doubt.
Can you catch the Shadows doth change according to light.
Mere reflection and perception of how you do intimidate me
shadows can’t exist without a living
Take the power back.
At least from behind the scenes
Don’t hide from those
disproportionate contortions of their own path.
Happy lights-faeries delight.
Blissful smiles stipple out faces.
There can be no ulterior motive.
Unless we retrace for an Agenda?
confused about life twists mysterious Genders.
Guilt sprouts up-GMO crops
Pesticidal casual all matter starts to hoe out my mind
Crucify my time?
Fraternized with Flowers more sentient than humans taken up by nocturnal spaces
Unevolved sight is having an identity crisis.
Army of words
A halo of benign bravado.
To those monsters of Carpathian.
Here is my audacity & Gumption.
Shout me down.
Mere echoes with no home.
Threaten me or one of my own,
I will stand up and defend my home.
Bats of fear — Clots of blood
Circulate above in a murmuration
So much I want to put down.
Not in the stream of consciousness
No more ashamed of how far down I free-fall into the squid ink mouth of the abyss.
I gripped onto nature’s own boulderous
A safety net of
I seek out another taste
“If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask… with nothing beneath it?”
― Jodi Picoult
WHY HAVE I CHOSEN THIS QUOTE?
I don’t know about you but I expect only the best from myself. I do this and I set myself up to fail or I am shocked when I succeed. Can you believe that a lot of people who’s aims and expectations are to succeed when we do succeed -this is the one thing that terrifies them? SUCCESS.
We all have expectations and they have a habit of reflecting yourself and your expectation in other peoples eyes.
Now not only do you have expectations but you interpret that everyone has these expectations of you. Not necessarily true.
It is scary when someone decides to lean on you for survival
Someone you love gets ill
You suddenly start achieving your goals and you have finally got peoples attention. EEEK. Now what? you feel under-qualified
You have to get Triple A+’s on your exams or papers
You need to blow your work targets through the roof
Work like a demon,Get into shape and look like a boss on your wedding day 😀
The list is endless.
This quote reminds me to do only what I can. I don’t want to lose myself in ‘I shoulda and I coulda’s
I don’t want to ever have to wear a mask again. I’m transparent ,what you see is what you get. I like being this way.
There is more than something going on inside me but I and you need to be kind to yourself.
When it comes to looking after my own mental health; the one thing I have found hard to control is self-medicating.
- You know -a few drinks mixed with some hardcore benzodiazepine and possibly a smoke of weed -all night and into the morning: is probably not going to do me and my mind and body any good.
I used to self medicate for years. I’ve been mostly stable these past 5 years. Taken my meds as prescribed and trying more holistic ways of coping.
So mindfulness- staying in the moment is a good discipline to practice. CBT -distraction. Finding out what my interests are.
These days I work with mental health charities. I’m trying to make a full-time career from it. It’s amazing what experience and a better state of mental health have done for me.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not magically cured. On New Years Eve, I met up with a guy I knew would be up for a mad session of partying. Something in me needed to connect. I needed to plug into that buzz I used to get.
Lesson learned for me
Going back to old coping mechanisms to ease my mental health issues is mostly going to end up in tears.
With me walking home after ‘my friend’ kicked me out of his house saying I was psycho. I can’t remember a lot of the night but I do know that is one heavy accusation coming from someone with his back ground and record.
I don’t usually mind casual use of words like ‘psycho’ and ‘loony’ in certain contexts, although I am mindful when and who I use them with. What did hurt more than anything was him telling me I am a psycho.
These acts of rebellion as I like to call them are few and far between these days. When they do occur I learn the lesson quicker. Go on a downer and then build myself back up within a day or two. I exercise. I do a lot of positive self-talk and I cut ties with the negativity.
I’m pretty chilled and easy to talk to in real life. I am getting married in 6 months to an incredibly supportive man who gets my turbulent acts of rebellion. Of course, they can’t happen too often otherwise the disrespect in our relationship would kind of snip in two.
It is hard not to self medicate and get on the right medication. My illness requires tweaking here and there.
The main message I want anyone to take away from this post if any is, that I don’t feel ashamed for having an illness..
I am ashamed of how reckless and out of control I get when I take my mental health for advantage.
It’s 2016. A brand new page. Well, we are four pages into it 🙂
No more parties and highly overrated expectations to waste my money. and act like a woman with no responsibilities.
As long as do what I can to keep myself on the upper end of the mental health scale,then I know I am doing the best I can.
I could have used other ways to deal with New Year’s Eve but I chose to get ‘crazy’ and relinquish myself and power to my illness.
Mental health issues are hard to gain control of. Sometimes I just live as best as I can. Keep things simple. Keep my life simple. Be a Mum and a sort of responsible person. I have learnt quite a few tools to cope over the past 5 years.
I am more than happy to pass on some tools and ways to cope other than medication. I use a combination. This is my first post so I will go easy.
Get rid of the negative shit in your life. It is so empowering! Once that negative bubble has been popped and you take the first step to the other dark side- lots of cookies, hot chocolate, movies. Simple pleasures. If you take that small step you will start to attract positive people and have positive experiences in your life.
Morning all fellow bloggers and wrappers.
Week 8 down! Here is the link to the all the other weeks covered so far. CLICK HERE I’ve learned so much. I hope that you have got or will get as much as I’m getting out of doing this course. This week one of our highly valued groupies could not make the group so we decided to put the second part of Action planning our triggers on hold, until next week. We focused on Early warning signs. These can be rather subtle or they can blast up seemingly from nowhere. If you have been doing this course over the weeks. You will know that Early warning signs can and often are linked with our triggers. Sometimes in life there may be many indicators that things are not going so well, perhaps you are not coping or managing your thoughts and feelings so well. Identifying your Early warning signs can help you from going into full crisis mode.
I found this session tough as I have never really looked at my early warning signs that may off set my mental health- negatively. If you have one or two supportive friends or family members, they can help you identify you EWS. Sometimes another persons perspective and how they experience your mental health- good and bad is something you can’t identify because you are in the ‘thick of it’ so to speak. Their view is external to your own. So it might just be worth asking someone what they think are your EWS.
EWS are usually thoughts and emotions that are going on inside. They are internal and seem to have nothing to do with a distressing situation. Here is a good way to see how EWS are related. Imagine that your mind is a bucket. From day to day you will come across many different stressful situations that fill your bucket.
So as an example: Your car breaks down- the bucket fills up a bit. You have a bad day at work, the stress bucket fills even more. Your child’s school call you in to discuss behaviour issues. The bucket is nearly brimming full. Then your partner accidentally breaks your favourite coffee mug. You bucket over flows. You then go crazy at your partner. Perhaps you shout at him or her and break down crying. It can seem like the coffee mug is the one thing that tips you into a negative mind state/crisis mode but as the diagram shows; it is an accumulation of events that fills up the bucket, until it is so full, that it seems something quite small can tip you over. This is why it is always important to recognize your Early warning signs. You can put in place a tap to drain the water (an action plan) so that your bucket (stress levels) never reach that tipping point.
MY LIST OF EARLY WARNING SIGNS
- I stay up until the birds are tweeting working on projects
- I get irritable
- I become overly obsessive with cleaning, my weight, everything.
- I miss taking my medication or stop using it
- I cut down on my food/fluid intake
- I over exercise
- I’m unable to see anything else that is going on around me that is outside of my own problems
- Avoidance- people, places, things. emotions
- I go onto auto pilot- I can’t stay in the present moment. I look to the past or to the future. I find it difficult to be in the present
- I isolate myself from people even family and lose friends
- I’m not able to give my full attention to my family
- I become focused on de cluttering my home (even thought it isn’t)
- I lose my sense of humour
- I’m resistant to all affection
- I focus on the negatives in my life. My ‘silver lining’ mantra disappears
- I trawl through social media websites comparing my entire life with the lives of what social media website users choose to present to the world and how they wish to be portrayed. I lose sight that this is only one dimension to their lives.
Brilliant! What do I do now? Unlike triggers, where I would need to make an action plan for each one. When it comes to action planning for my EWS I only need one plan. So here is a comprehensive list of what I must do if I do start to experience any EWS. It would be a good idea to go back to your WELLNESS TOOL BOX and try any other techniques that I/ you have learned over these two months.
Here is my list
- not over blog/write
- Disconnect from all technology
- carry on volunteering/working
- enjoy and give my full attention to ‘Date nights’ with my partner
- Spend more time with family/ friends-especially my daughter
- Book to go do something I enjoy. It could be something as simple as watching stand up comics at home or going to the theatre, cinema etc.
- Meet up for coffee with family and friends
- Exercise for no more than an hour and a half
- Lay back and chill and listen to my favourite music
- Communicate or at least try to communicate my thoughts and feelings no matter how jumbled they may come out
- have a clear out at home- don’t go over board
- face the day
- Keep in contact with my C.P.N.
- Use mantra’s and positive affirmations
- tell myself that ‘whatever happens I can handle it’
- Look for my silver lining
- Be kind to myself- a bit of TLC – go for a manicure, facial, massage
- RING MY LOCAL SAMARITANS if I feel there is no one else I can speak with
- A great technique to use is to alter my physical space which automatically alters my head space- it can be a simple as getting out of bed.
- Be creative- read books, write, paint, draw, do crafts
- Try the technique I describe in my video clip of week 8.
- Another good technique is this:
If you have a negative thought. Here is an example.
‘ I cannot cope.’
Write that thought down.
‘I cannot cope’
Notice that you have written done the thought
‘ I cannot cope’
The aim of this technique is that by writing the thought down you create a mental distance from it. It becomes not a fact but just a thought.
Finally I would just like to add and remind people of the 5 key concepts of WRAP. Another exercise you can do is based around these 5 key concepts.
HOPE. – write down one experience from your life that gives you hope for the future.
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY -Write down one way that you take personal responsibility for your life.
EDUCATION- Write down something you have learnt about yourself on this journey.
SELF ADVOCACY- Write down one area of your life or situation where you would like to assert yourself more and a step you could take to achieve this.
SUPPORT- write down the name of one person who supports you and how they d that.
If you feel this is a tricky exercise and need an example. I will gladly use my examples. All you have to do is comment ‘EXAMPLE’
That is it for week 8. Go away and feel empowered. You are creating a powerful plan to help you in every life situation you face.
This is most probably going to sound manic. THE AIM: is to work through the going -on’s in my mind by bleeding it out.
This is what it feels like. THIS THING. IT. I haven’t eaten all day and I am buzzing. I’ve had 100 things reeling around my mind like an old fashioned movie projector.
- Paint for the house
- Look after Isabella
- Book Isabella birthday
- Hair appointment
- Ballet and tap
- Sort out photos on the laptop
- Book restaurant for my graduation and my birthday in Manchester.
- Do family scrapbook dating back to great great great grandparents -not because I’ve been asked by Bella Bees school to do this but because she needs to know her roots.
- Go and see my Gran at her care home
- Juggle the bills
- Act normal even when I’m fizzing and popping like candy on the inside
- Make sure Tatiana has not pissed on the floor
- Wedding. All thing wedding-y
- Must do exercise every day or else something bad will happen
- clean house every day and night or I will have failed to accomplish all the goals I set myself
- Play and chat with family and friends who are going through hard times
- Avoid Haribos and cocktails
- Don’t forget how to write
- Am I frigid?
- Am I fat/chubby/healthy
- My teeth make me want to cry
So many things to do think about. All at once. When I am doing things I am not eating. This sets off the Bipolar and I get impulsive. Okay, today I forgot the password on my Mobile and all of a sudden I started thinking about getting a new phone. I can pay £300 for the phone. How? I don’t fucken know. I will go into my overdraft -take out the wedding money. My partner and Mom calmed me down. I need to wait. Be patient. Use those tools.
AAAAAAAARGH ! I’m in a boo. Finally, I get the phone unlocked. My insides are like ribbons being wound around by a bunch of kids on a maypole – round and round and square and then, feathers lightly tickle my insides. The anxiety. My Amygdala is firing up the dopamine minions. I feel invincible.
I don’t need to eat because I can do so much more in this state. For once I’m going to beast this demon. A live show- get your tickets now. I’m gonna show him I can beat him. (I’m sound like such a fucking old school feminist) how will I defeat my nemesis? I will use a scale and numbers to prove who is winning.
101 things to do
- invite friends to Isabella’s party plus all the other things I need to do.
- I need to understand blogging – I need to know all of it now.
- I need to be the best volunteer. I want to change the community.
when I am high like this I can achieve these results because I am on working on a higher frequency. I get results. People feel the glow. The charisma. Confidence. They too want a bit.
What’s that teeny tiny voice of thought trying to say? shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. oh fuck. you again.
Introducing tweedle Reasonable and twaddle rational. I actually do have the tools to stop this getting way out of hand. I’ve been known to disappear and take a walk on the wild side – do doo de doo
I miss my highs so much……
but are they worth it.? I’m gonna take my PRN and wait for it to bring me down and then I’m gonna go back to doing things at a pace of a(scream it) dead woman walking.
Oh, shit the wedding. Practice mindfulness. How can I focus with so much going on. Everything has to be done today and it has to be perfect. Am I a bad Mom? Really? I do not need these kinds of thought’s right now. Do you know that I have a bunch of courses I have started on-line? I haven’t done them for over a week. I have a DBT course to yet to start. Papers everywhere, the printer is jammed, I can’t remember which file goes where. I’ve got people who need me. I can’t let the people I know and have yet to know down. Shit, I bumped into my god-daughter today. I missed her birthday. I missed it. I see her walking towards me in town and she tries to dodge me -she is shy that way or maybe she sees the freaky deeky inside me. I stop her and reach into my purse. Force her to take the money. I feel good. I feel hungry. I can override that hunger by doing good. Be a good person.
Glug Glug .. washing down my PRN (prescription as needed) meds with Evian water. I know I need to eat and balance out my mind. One part of my brain says I haven’t done enough exercise. The other part says that I have been on the go all day and I’ve worked out really hard. I can’t afford to get obsessed about it because the tower deck of cards will tipple. Floored and flawed again and again.
I want to write better than average. This is an insane post. I am not insane. I know how to take back control. I will write a list of the things in my head that I need to do, hit print and pin it up. mmmmmmmmmmmh What song should we have for our first dance? I love Billie holiday.
mindful blogging. I’m onto something here. Copy righted it already. ( haha) Okay, let’s work on it. Tap tap tap. Stop tapping the keyboard. I look around. I can vape. I need to vape. 5 clicks and I’m sucking and puffing.. la la la la la the hilly mounds in my head reverberate music round my mind. Remember this one?
My aunt used to sing ‘ puff the magic dragon’ to me when I was little. She ( wherever she is) used to say no wonder I became a drug addict. She also let my teeth on her Marlboro lights cig packet When she told the story it sounded funnier. My phone is unlocked. YAY! I have hardly acknowledged my partner. Did I even thank him for dashing into town to get my phone? I need to check that one over with him.
Why can’t I write about the care home? Gran’s care home. Nothing tonight/ this morning will I ever be able to describe in words what it is like to be in a care home and look around at all the people lost in the past and not untouched. No stimulation. I decided to jazz it up today put on a bit of ‘el divo’ today. Music stirs the soul indeed. These wonderful people came back to life for a few moments.
I have so many other posts I want to post at the same time as this one. I can’t. I can’t. I must eat. I have to eat. I have to come down a bit. My heart rate is coming down This is what goes on in my mind when I feel high. At least I bought my mommy some sunflowers. I’m not a bad person. My heart is in the right place. I am a good person I’m just a bit peculiar.
WOW, what a long post. I shall sign off with a quote ‘If it is not then it shall be’ Janet Lorraine a friend and resident in Long Grange care home.