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Goofy Goat syndrome

Mouthwash gargle soprano interlude

Still damned if I do or don’t by my inner feud.

Can’t Darwiniate  like a bird fish off the fly

Nor grow a pair and touch the sky.

 

Sunshine intervenes rubbing in a static state of mind.

If I started to grow and extend a branch – could it be so bad as to what I find?

Life needs nurture – decay -70 pounds of envy watching Nervosa images online.

 

Scales de harmonise ‘we are family’ tune

Burning the bridge -wasting so much of this vessels time.

Come out and play and invest in cherished moments

priceless.

 

Chronic choleric temperament pillaged as  I stand my ground

spasmodic

crisis.

Fits jump to the left -turn your cap back to front, leave me in the wind.

don’t mind a body making a life out of lying down – this vessel scowls out an impediment.

Red Dwarves s fall shortly from the sky.

Blackhole theories bask in the sun,

nebulous erasure

Convince counting blue sheep  makes sense

Only if I’m constantly on the run.

Never  leave currently occupied dwelling

 convinced I’ve spun around the globe and back- too quick to reject love.

Trees I planted.

Trees  I denied oxygen -another one down from the felling.

Breathe of grit

fluoride is the key to mutate this smile.

 

A Disposition in denial.

Government extends VAT -we’re all walking a green mile.

Pencil marks that wooden table – with the view to fraternise with  my education.

Anxiety levels cut off circulation.

 Leaving all my bluds homeless without an occupation.

Distress call.

Look above you for the murmuration.

Gone against my nature – constant dance with eternal damnation.

One theory for all of this

Life straight through to death.

 Most of us become motherless.

 

Sorrowful faces- show me the money.

Natures green lights my path

A scant scent bears purified honey.

Extinction of the masses. Humans never as smart as we think.

 Creator reveals a divine plan

Printed  the golden ratio

No time to blink.

Floppy child syndrome, fetus rest dormant for 36 weeks.

Blood, tears, love -fallibly

selfish

The  side effect  of an action of the seeker

Fear destroys love.

Hate is Its biggest symptom.

 

Ever seen a child frown sliding down into his daddies arms?

rapid growth

we could be forgiven for thinking

Life is a phantom.

 

Feed into reality.

Convinced happiness is closer to any eventuality.

Exacerbate peoples problems sad resolution for those deemed insufferably stupid.

Set the sound wave to my biggest moan: why can’t I be a shade of norm Amish tone?

Constant craving for a   collect call

silence breaks out wind to an unsuspecting receiver.

Heartbreaking words to have everything given

then denounce it was ever mine to own.

 

Thoughts about Suicide

A follow up to NEMBUTAL.

The man on the right loves me inside & out. My Boo . He has seen me in the best positions 😀 and seen me in positions that would make a man shake the rice out of his shoes quicker than a man walking on hot coals. He ain’t perfect.

He shows me my flaws & I struggle to accept them. I push him away not because I don’t love him.

I do.

I don’t/ refuse to understand how someone can love every part of me especially as I’ve got older and had darker moments than good moments of late.

How dare he love parts of me I’ve yet to love? Mentality 😂

He has brought out parts of me I didn’t know I have. I’m funny and smart and when.

I’m confident – there aren’t many people who can knock me down in a debate. I will state that I’m always willing to listen to other peoples opinions within reason.

I didn’t want to put this pic up on social media because of the way I feel.

The man on the right ( my husband) is justified to have more reasons to hate me than anyone I can think of. He puts up with a lot. He is not perfect. I’ll save that for another day.

I read something a person wrote about not wanting to fall in love but rather to grow in love with someone.

He is my best friend & hears me talk about whatever is on my mind. Even if he is breaking inside by my spoken thoughts and candour. I push him away & I’m learning not to.

Hope can be a tiny thought of ‘maybe.. Maybe I can be something more than what I feel right now. ‘ with hope comes the possibility of re-discovering one’s purpose.

I am that lady who fought death in the face multiple times. One example when I had a BMI of 14 & raised £ 100 for a small cancer charity shop in the retreat, in York ( in a mental hospital) in 5 days because I found another purpose.

To help others.

I won’t rule out looking at killing myself as an option.

I will be true to my character and rationalise as best as I can the pros plans cons of living life with my head until I can’t bear it any longer.

I think this line from fear & loathing sums up my over-analytical character. It’s genuinely hilarious.

There’s a big … machine in the sky, ….some kind of electric snake…. coming straight at us.”

” Shoot it”, said my attorney.

“Not yet, ” I said. “I want to study it’s habits”

I’m loving reading ‘Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas’.

Yes, it’s about the crumbling American dream & people becoming conscious about that reality.

It’s also an interesting paradigm & insight into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Final words…

Write to recover or try living another day looking for meaning even if you can only see that hope in the eyes of another.

The suicidal coward.

I’m feeling suicidal

I can’t deny the concoction of escapism acts help keep me in denial.

Too many people looking out for me

I haven’t  had enough time  or privacy to actively find a sure way to make sure I’m undisturbed  absolute in my effort to be free

My daughter deserves better

I can’t connect with her

I’m not blaming anyone else for my failure to join the dots.

A girl succeeded in jumping off suicide bridge in 2019

I wonder if this morning will have an impact on my odds of survival – washed up in the river. The law doesn’t get I don’t want to be saved.

My calculations are all wrong.

 

I’m not doing this because of an income

9 months later after an ESA inquest assessment

And I’m safe till 2022

thanks for letting me know

Government Orange agent.

 

It doesn’t make me  happy to know that I don’t have to show up & prove I’m ill

Everyone else has a hard time at proving they are  beyond  over the mental /psychical capacity hill

They are sick

Why can’t  I CAN’T KEEP MY MIND STILL?

The odds of taking an overdose tonight getting it right are slim.

 

I need to run a warm bath and make sure I hit an artery

let the blood bad

bad blood leave me

Circulate not from within

I should have this right.

I’m in support of the assisted dying law for those whose  aguish is terminal

a mental psyche destroyed with life’s poison.

 

I still haven’t eaten.

This isn’t poetry

I’m borderline convinced I’ve lost the plot. I  told too many people my plans & now I’m living with the consequences.

Keep my daughter safe from me

She deserves to better. I m certain that better is far away from a mind convoluted by past & insight into the mother I am not.