When I think of the word History, I think – ha ha!
I think of all my experiences.
I think of all the times I never listened to others, all the adventures -risky and dangerous -that I took myself on.
I think about where I am today – or rather how I think about my personal history.
I find it useless to blame my parents or ex-partners or people who abused me at whatever age- not because I don’t think they had an impact on some of the decisions I made in life.
Some people were held accountable either by the law or good old karma and others went and still continue to go through their own life shit.
I can’t do anything to change my history. I can’t make a person talk me ( I can try to and have done) or love me or want to know more about me.
I find the more I rag at my past or people in my past – the less productive I am in my present life.
When I come to terms with say, a childhood experience or heartbreak/betrayal and I decide to forgive (not forget);
I’ve seen how this conscious act to look ahead instead of looking backward has helped me deal with my past, in unexpected ways.
Classic example: I was very hurt about the relationship I had with my Dad for many years and then, when I decided to focus on how I could try and move our relationship forward, Life found a way for us to have some kind of relationship.
He lives in Africa. I’m in the U.K. and I really love those silly IQ tests /knowledge tests on Facebook and so does my Dad!
It’s our time together. It’s a way I have found to get to know my dad, have a laugh, feel connected to him and it’s helped me see my Dad as a human.
I have been able to talk with him on skype and let him see who I really am- Who I have grown up to be. I’ve had the uncomfortable ‘I don’t know what to say’ and worked through it.
This is just one example.
I think if I had carried on being on the offensive – not being contact with him and thinking and feeling whatever it was I did, I don’t think I would have some part of my Dad in my life today.
Should he have reached out? I’m not even going there.
The point is I know how to reach out to people, I know I’m in control of me.
I don’t always get it right.
When I think of certain people and situations I’ve caused or found myself in- I can be confrontational and maybe those people aren’t ready or in a place to be a part of my life in a way, I want them to be.
It’s hard for me to accept other people’s choices.
I don’t give in.
The people I make time and effort for in the past or now- I do genuinely care about these people.
Eventually, I have to respect that not everyone wants me around or likeS me or …..who knows what they think!
So, I have to suck it up – cry, refocus my energy and live my Life.
I don’t forget these people.
I often want these people to succeed even the people who made life hell for me.
The people who tried to bring me down – one example,
At my hen do. I was looking good, my mental state was great and I felt good about me and I had an energy around me. I invited a bunch of friends out and one of the girls who I met through a relative – made the remark
” You’ve put on weight haven’t you”
My mates were horrified knowing how far I’ve come with my issues.
It took a couple days for my rage to kick in. I had it out with her and then I decided this girl has a LOT of her own issues.
Her life hasn’t been easy and isn’t and I’m not going to fall for it.
So even today, I big this person up. I encourage her to achieve dreams. I’m not best mates with her!
Fuck, I’m not stupid. ha ha!
I need positive people around me.
I just realized that she saw something in me that maybe she didn’t have and it’s easier to try and bring a person down than be happy for someone.
Not everyone is on the same level of thinking you and I are on.
We all have a narrative, a past, a history. We deal with ourselves 24 hours a day.
Sometimes we try to escape from ourselves,
We drug ourselves to get away from ourselves.
Be it with sugar, food, cigs, weed, prescription meds, alcohol, crack, spice, legal highs, extreme sports, sex, porn, money.
I’m glad I’ve had people run me down in life.
I’m not ecstatic about it but I can see the benefits of it – looking baaa ack over my shoulder…. ( like the song)
I am a person who is genuine, I have empathy, I filter my judgments, I forgive, I set boundaries, I reset boundaries.
I know what I believe in- what I am passionate about.
People do still challenge me.
I’m an observer and I ‘ve learned how to respond to certain types of people. Some people need to be spoken to how they speak to others.
If someone doesn’t get me -I’ve learned there are many who will and do.
I just put myself out on a limb and it feels like torture but I hang in there -until I’m just about to give up, then somebody or something comes into my life and reaffirms what I believe in.
I’m not saying my beliefs and values and the way I live are right for everyone but they are right for me.
I know what I need to work on and I do ask for help.
January is coming to a close –
no more Just January Jots.
I’ve enjoyed the word prompts. I never know what will come out of my head.
It’s sunny and I have lots of work to do and I’m feeling optimistic, scared and determined.
Thanks for reading
SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THIS LADY! . DARINA i 6 or known as manyofus on word press, lives with an illness called dissociative identity disorder. Even more respect for her because she digs rap and hip hop.
hihi everybudy it me darina and i am six i maked this video and i introduced myself and i want share it to you all here it is i hope you all like it❤ darina i six
My beliefs haven’t changed. I do believe in the content of my posts. I just want to say that I also have shit days when I don’t feel so accepting of my looks and body and the rest of all that is me. I also want validation through superficial social media websites. The last two days have been pretty fucking miserable. Usually exercise, blogging, interacting with blogs, volunteering, working on new projects and finding ways to be positive with one or two of ‘mothers little helpers; help shift the doom and gloom.
Got to give me a break.
Talk and write the truth. This usually works. Write -freestyle it and post. Don’t check if someone may or may not like what I have to say. Minimum editing. None if possible. Small spell check. Hit the publish button, making sure I have attached all files titled ‘vacuous negative energy’ to it, blast it into the blogosphere -somewhere- all the words unravel and collide with an Infinitum of other unread words.
They may or may not get read. Usually, people who enjoy jigsaw puzzles get these kinds of posts. Guess what? I hate jigsaws!
Bit blunt? Sure?
I guess the whole aim of this post is to free myself -Let it all hang out.
So, yeah. I’ not happy and self-accepting all the time. I work at it and I don’t give up. I’m not one dimensional.
I try to give Happiness and Self-acceptance a secure bosom to lie their heads against. I don’t want doubt, negativity and self hate to nestle it’s way onto my bosom and go
“Oh look tits! We are gonna suck every last drop of Happiness and Self-acceptance out of them until they a flaccid, wrinkled and bruised.”
Villainous laughter like “mwahwhwhahahaha” or some other shit. Then they take my head full of shit and slam dunk it. Yes, those three.
They will make me think that me accepting myself and being happy can’t happen outside my mind. They will try and repress the independence of my native tongue. They will find a way to make my rediscovered language seem like a myth– folklore…
It never happened.
There were never words such as Happiness and Self-acceptance. There was never a language that was not approved by them.
This is why I won’t stop writing empowering posts. Like ‘body image awareness’. Yes, I agree when I try and speak this language, sometimes, I feel like an idiot, a foreigner. I quickly lose my confidence when I pronounce it wrong. Use it in the ‘wrong’ context. Oh, how quick my enthusiasm to live freely is so quickly caught up in a net -stenched in mockery and jibes. HOW DARE I?
DARE OR TRUTH? I DO BOTH.
I fight to be happy -truly happy- no superficial bullshit
I fight to love my body and me- no superficial bullshit
Always keeping it real
Okay, so I’ve pretty much turned away from celeb culture media etc… I don’t read magazines , watch T.V -look at what is in. I go with my own style. In these last 5 years where I don’t know/ care to know who I should be following looks/music/lifestyle wise – what is the best shade of hair colour to have, shoes to wear. I have come to terms with me and my reflection.
When I see a picture of me or me ready to go out . These days I’m impressed with the person smiling back. I go out looking good and feeling good and laughing and connecting with people in a true, authentic way. I’m truly happier these days. A recent post I published Perfectly flawed where I put a pic up of me and my new found acceptance of my flawed teeth. Basically, I took a pic of myself with my new phone to check out how good the camera is and the pic I most liked was the one I was showing my true self. I see that is what makes me me and I am beautiful.
I see girls trying to cover up their freckles and skin colour. Their eyebrows! Girls have walking caterpillars plastered on too their faces these days. What the hell? What did I miss? and thank fuck for it. Their beautiful complexions. Hiding what truly makes them tick and the self hatred is clear and furious and I feel pity. I feel anger that my sisters don’t seem to be waking up quickly enough to the Western disease of ‘ you are not right – never will be.. unless you look… wear …. do…. ‘
I feel free that I am not caught up too much in that whole superficial world any more and when I start to doubt that I may be deluding myself .I receive the most incredible feedback from Eve Messenger who introduces me to a new philosophy.
I am not deluded. I am enlightened. This concept of embracing my flaws is one that is alive and already out there. I put myself out there, stayed with it and found my flow spin out in a new positive direction. The more I challenge societies expectations of what it is to be a happy me living in my world, the more I have become open to how wonderful and amazing I truly am.
Embrace wabi sabi – no, not that green stuff you eat with sushi but just as soul cleansing and refreshing.
Join me in the wabi sabi revolution. Dare to be you!
Before you say she wants attention. Read on.
For years I have hated my teeth and most of my looks. Two days I ago I was messing with my new phone and took a few selfies and my fave pic is the one with me and perfectly flawed teeth. It’s what makes me unique.
Why didn’t I have this insight and inner confidence years ago? Time to embrace the now.
What it beauty? Whatever you choose to find.