With my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr willows – just kidding. Slightly…..
No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect.
It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it?
There is a lot I want to say before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type way to much for my liking.
We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people
-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .
I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up. I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour.
I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly ther best.
Usually, the men I’ve chosen have brought out the worst in me. ( they got issues just like me.)
For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.
I’m not making excuses for those men.
“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley
I have a man who has shown me what is feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness.
Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.
I’m uber emotional.
I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter)
I’m at a loss for words.
So this Mr Willows
This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness call Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.
15th May 2017
10:15: It has been a struggle this morning, it is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.
10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chaff when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.
11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.
20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach ached so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.
22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get better night’s sleep tonight
11:34: I feel very shaky today almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have become to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge, I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue to long.
9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.
So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have lead a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps supress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.
MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.
Dealing with life 😀
Words … my brain hasn’t the capacity to express what you have done to make me feel whole.
You love me blindly – kiss me fiercely. Tender hands – your love never dims or folds.
Oh, sorrow. so may sorrows I have bestowed upon thee.
and yet, you still sought to find me.
I never knew I would ever feel…
It’s a backdraft of silver outlined in glow.
Words, fail to express – it all comes across as sans-esque
I look at the man you have become. I see you through the eyes of clarity.
Rose tinted glasses were never my thing. Maybe other boys looked better in blushed gallows – less grim.
I know you, I love you. I respect you. I suspect me.
Is is because I gave you such a hard time?
Or is there truly one soul mate for us in this endoscopic world in mime?
How can this feel so right yet so wrong?
Cognitive dissonance – never felt so omnipotent and strong.
I love you. I am in love with you. Thank you for never letting me go.
These words falter…
..my hands move to type in slow.
Hesitant, all I want you to know is….
… I know.
I’m shouting stars of praise across the Pleiades milky way.
You are the man who will give our daughters away.
You are the man who will help set our sons on the right path.
If they become half the man you are – then songs will rip out of my heart.
I didn’t expect any of this.
I pushed and I pulled and indeed I still impulsively resist.
Two stubborn pairs – what a conjuring affair.
If I lose you, my love – indeed I don’t think I will make it to despair.
wherever our paths go.
Know – without you being a part of my cosmic. Darling, I would not have had a capacity to show I can grow.
*For my husband, this is really hard to publish, my husband knows me well. I am complex, sarcastic, loving and bloody awkward. It’s about time I expose my feelings for him. It’s such a lame poem -I haven’t done this man justice, I’m cringing in my sappiness. I don’t express love well in words *
Oh yeah baby – all I am asking for is a little bit of respect…. ( totally dancing on my own in my room – may just grab my hair brush )
TOTAL RESPECT to a very good mate of mine on Word Press for this award.
Who doesn’t know Paul ?
Talented, generous and a born fighter. I have a lot of time for this dude. Look at this face what is not to love?
- PAUL AND THE INFAMOUS DAPHNE
Don’t let the title of his Blog put you off – this is not all about fitness but it will put you through your paces. Or should I say Paul will.
So a respect award is pretty fucking awesome right? I want to thank Michelle for nominating me for the one lovely award Blog. I recently just accepted this so I have decided I am going to give this award to some one else I think is awesome.
SIMPLY ETTA D. Your quotes have inspired me and helped push me to move forward.
Here she is : I forfeit my award from Michelle @ PSYCHEDELIC BAY -WHERE HOPE IS REAL – Small shout out to her partner in crime 😉 Cezanne.
- SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT
Before I continue with accepting this really cool RESPECT award. I just want to let everyone who reads this that there is an epic party going on this weekend at Jaquies a cooking pot and twisted tails. place. If you don’t know her.
Where have you been?
Ha ha. She is another great inspiration and my Blog role model.
I also want to thank Linda G Hill. your Saturday soCS -stream of consciousness writing challenge. She always prompts me to get shit out of my head and onto the screen. You get me thinking out of my comfort zone which I love! ❤
Then there is the rest of you who I follow and who follow me. You make life that bit easier for me and I love all the different perspectives I read and the cool thoughts and ideas you have swirling round those brains of yours – The Word Press community are full of heart. We are empaths and should rule the world .
What are we going to do tonight ,WP posse ?
Okay so on with accepting my award from Paul.
THREE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER:
WHAT DOES RESPECT MEAN TO YOU ?
It means having faith and self love and self belief.
Respect is about using old school style manners – that will never go out of style for me
Respect is about boundaries and acknowledging others have boundaries and not to cross them and know when not too.
It means listening and it requires effort and commitment and compromise
WHO DO I RESPECT THE MOST?
I respect people who are honest with me. Who take me for who I am. I respect people who are true to themselves and are not afraid to stand alone when the shit hits the fan. I respect people who refuse to give up – the people who rise and fall and rise and fall and rise again. I have a lot of respect for my Mother and my Nan. Two ladies who fought to keep me alive. I would probably be dead today if it were not for their persistence that I could find a way to be happy in this world.
WHAT DO I RESPECT THE MOST ABOUT MYSELF?
Woah I guess…. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t hide my issues. I fucking embrace them. I am not really great at giving up. I like myself . I have a lot of love to give to people. I don’t take bullshit but I can’t hold a grudge. I try but I can’t -especially if it is some one who I feel or once felt a connection with. I hate conflict.
ONLY THREE NOMINEES?
These are solely based on recent discussions I have had with these Bloggers.
ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE MENTIONED ME IN THEIR BLOGS THIS PAST WEEK. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIND YOU ALL ON WORD PRESS YET BUT I WILL……..