Blog Archives

Mr Willows takes over the willows

With my husband’s permission. I will let his words dominate this post. Not easy being Mr willows – just kidding. Slightly…..

No one said that life is easy, no one said that marriage or relationships are easy or perfect. 

It’s been hard for me to write about my feelings  on my blog lately,because of all the shenanigans going on in my life. It never stops, does it? 

There is a lot I want to say  before I pass over my blog to my other half. I talk and type  way to much for my liking.

We are all struggling and we are all working on our dreams. It’s easy to give up and I don’t know many people

-anyone -who has ever done this to show how much he respects and wants to know me and understand me .

I’m waffling. 

I will not hide that we have problems and we both fuck up.  I’m not proud of some of my actions or my behaviour. 

I do know that the man who is so different from me brings out the best in me and the worst. Mostly ther best. 

Usually, the men I’ve chosen  have brought out the worst in me. ( they got issues just like me.)

For the first time I can say I chose a good man and some guys have been proper knobheads to me.

I’m not making excuses for those men.

“You are wankers, no more making excuses for you. I hope you get what you deserve. I don’t know what you deserve. Karma is not something I have power over, or even wish to have. ” Daisy aka Natasha Bodley

 

I have a man who has shown me what is feels like to be loved,respected, cherished and who wants our happiness. 

Here is a man, who I get to call my husband.

I’m uber emotional. 

I didn’t know he was doing this. Our marriage has been crumbling  from the start tbh… (laughing, nervous laughter) 

I’m at a loss for words.

So this Mr Willows

 

Introduction

This is a rather difficult situation to talk about; my wife and I are at odds with each other, she suffers from a horrible illness call Anorexia, it is a controlling and manipulative entity. Anorexia has taken a lot from my wife and maybe even our marriage. Through researching this illness I have realised I will never know truly what my wife has to go through on a daily even hourly basis, So to truly understand what she suffers through I have decided to walk a mile in her shoes. I know that Anorexia is more than just restricting foods and liquids, but I aim to try to discover more. The last time I had anything to eat was two days ago (12th May 2017) and I will try to document both my physical and mental states through this journey of discovery. This may not be enough to save my marriage, but at least I will have a greater understanding.

15th May 2017

Weight: 89.7KG

10:15: It has been a struggle this morning, it is very hard not to eat when things are very automatic, the struggle with suppressing hunger takes a lot of energy and mental fortitude. My physical state is that my hands are shaking, and used caffeine as an appetite suppressant. This is my second day doing this and will try and document often when things change.

10:30: I have been aware that this illness is also about body fixation, I have been aware for some months that my inner legs chaff when I am warm; I am going to use this as a point of fixation because it genuinely makes me unhappy and uncomfortable.

11:00: Housework is both a blessing and a curse. The blessings are it takes up time so you get to switch off the brain for a while and you are doing something so it takes up part of your day. On the flip side I know it is taking up valuable energy and that is going to leave me very weak in the days to come. I know it is going to be hard to hide my non eating but Anorexia is a selfish and manipulative illness. The coffee I had over an hour ago has hit me like a truck, I feel jittery and my heart is racing. I will be doing a small shop for some bits, this is going to be very different because I am no longer free to just pick up an impulse buy, I feel a little anxious about going to be far but I feel I can handle it.

20:07: The household shopping was hard when it came to doing the food part, my stomach ached so bad. I managed to force myself through it. I guess this is something my wife has to often, it takes so much energy to get through all you want to do is hide away and sleep off the hunger. It fails in comparison to having to cook for my daughter, it was hard not to pick at the food or fall in to what I have always done (cook a little extra for myself. I just want to see this through because I need to understand what my wife goes through on a daily basis. The fuzziness in my head feels very strange; I will stop if I see it going too far.

22:28: I understand why she chooses to binge on bread and cheese, right now, it is looking very tempting just to grab some bread and cheese and just go mad. I hope that I get better night’s sleep tonight   

16th May

11:34: I feel very shaky today almost hyperactive. Finding it very difficult to focus on one task when you have so much running through your head. I can see why this feeling is attractive because you get a big buzz when you complete a task, even if it is something you do regularly. I can see in my face that bags have become to form under my eyes and have a yellow tinge, I look a bit more washed out and drawn. I dare not weigh myself because of both fear of seeing the numbers change. I can’t believe how hard it is to battle with something so simple as standing on something, what I can understand even more now than ever what those numbers represent. I promise myself that this cant continue to long.

17th May

9:30: Yesterday afternoon I had a large hyperactive spurt, I was walking round the house very giddy and wanting to spin people around, this lasted for about a half hour, during this I was running up lists of all the things I can do with the business, being a success at finding work, been a good partner and farther.

So to conclude what I have discovered doing this is this, Anorexia has a lot to do with control and hating parts of yourself both physically and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day and do simple things. Managing moods has been very difficult, riding high can be very addictive and the slumps take so much away from you. The stress on the body is frightening and I have lead a very active life. Sleeping is valuable if your body and mind can rest, this is because I have found when you are asleep you are not thinking, it breaks up the day and it conserves energy, plus I suspect that when someone is in full anorexic mode they don’t have to worry about eating. To think about food is a pain, caffeine helps supress appetite, gives your mind and body something to do and the caffeine and sugar gives you something to get through the day. Being around food can kick off a lot of anxiety because all you want to do is eat, and you feel disgusted and ashamed of these feelings. It feels like you are in a constant battle with parts of mind and body. I am unhappy with the way my legs chafe when I get warm, when you become uncomfortable with how you feel, you become very fixated on that area, you notice every time you move, get dressed and when you look at yourself. Weight gain and weight loss play a key feature because upon weighing myself for the last time I had lost 0.02kgs, with how much effort it has taken, I can see this been very devastating to sufferers because the results do not match the effort that is put in, this will lead to a big drop in confidence and mood. In a final note, I have a newfound respect for people who suffer from this illness because it is a minute by minute, second by second battle with what can only be described as fighting an intruder in your own mind. I know I will never know the true extent of the illness but I have a better understanding of how I can better support, listen and what actions I can take.   

MASSIVE RESPECT FOR YOU, WE DO HAVE A STRONG CONNECTION ,AND SOMETIMES WE NEED TO REMIND EACH OTHER.

 

okay……..

I’m off.

Dealing with life 😀

Heart blush

Words … my brain hasn’t the capacity to express what you have done to make me feel whole.

You love me blindly – kiss me fiercely. Tender hands – your love never dims or folds.

Oh, sorrow. so may sorrows I have bestowed upon thee.

and yet, you still sought to find me.

I never knew I would ever feel…

love

Grow.

It’s a backdraft of silver outlined in glow.

Words, fail to express – it all comes across as sans-esque

I look at the man you have become. I see you through the eyes of clarity.

Rose tinted glasses were never my thing. Maybe other boys looked better in blushed gallows – less grim.

I know you, I love you. I respect you. I suspect me. 

Is is because I gave you such a hard time? 

Or is there truly one soul mate for us in this endoscopic world in mime?

How can this feel so right yet so wrong?

Cognitive dissonance – never felt so omnipotent and strong.

I love you. I am in love with you. Thank you for never letting me go.

These words falter…

..my hands move to type in  slow.

Hesitant, all I want you to know is….

… I know. 

I know.

 I’m shouting stars of praise across the Pleiades milky way. 

You are the man who will give our daughters away.

You are the man who will help set our sons on the right path.

If they become half the man you are – then songs will rip out of my heart.

I didn’t expect any of this.

I pushed and I pulled and indeed I still impulsively resist.

Two stubborn pairs – what a conjuring affair.

If I lose you, my love – indeed I don’t think I will make it to despair.

Whatever happens,

wherever our paths go.

Know – without you being a part of my cosmic. Darling, I would not have had a capacity to show I can grow.

*For my husband, this is really hard to publish, my husband knows me well. I am complex, sarcastic, loving and bloody awkward. It’s about time I expose my feelings for him. It’s such a lame poem -I haven’t done this man justice, I’m cringing in my sappiness. I don’t express love well in words  *

Simply Amazing.

Aaaah,

time flies like the wind but fruit flies like bananas.

That is my epically silly start to this fabulous post to say a huge HELLO  and WELCOME  to The Willows. There are some epic Blogs on this list.

Every week I take a look at all my lovely new friends in the Willows – Give you all a massive SHOUT OUT  and then I pick a post that connects with me like in a spiritual way , kind of thing… like a hippy vibe….

images

ahem ..  let me clear that up.

-so what I do each week/fortnight is I have a good look around all of your Blogs and pick out a Blog post of yours to share on here.

 

giphy (6).gif
I LIKE TO CALL THEM DAISY’S STAR POST PICK!

 

 

Ha ha!  I am not a hippy but I do believe if anyone should drop something it should be BEATS  and not BOMBS.

 

giphy (4).gif

 

PEACE!

 

 

THANK YOU as always. I am so overwhelmed by your support and Word Press is a great spot to be a part of in the Blogosphere.

A song to listen to  while you check these amazing Bloggers out!

 

So without further ado – please welcome all these blooming marvelous Bloggers to the Willows and beyond.

giphy (12).gif

Maccansee

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK Red Meat

LETICIA MARIA

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: LOOK FOR PARTY

LIVEWITHSTYLE19 live your life in your own way

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Indian Double Standards

Maya Willemse Every Saturday at 10:00 a new blog post!

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Cute DIY’s

EMBRACING AUTHENTICITY:”Don’t be ashamed of your story it will inspire others!”

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK  “Your current circumstances don’t determine where you can go they merely determine where you start!”

MOTIV-OETRY-ANDLIFE A SOUL SURFING IN AN OCEAN OF WORDS [WORD RULES]

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: 5 Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity in This Insane World

Crumble Cult by Tony Single

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: I WOULD SUGGEST STARTING WITH TONY’S ABOUT THE CRUMBLE CULT FIRST.

andrea forde- Dementia Carer

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: How it all began…

1000 SHADES OF WOMEN: RE BIRTHING THE SELF -ESTEEM MOVEMENT

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: A Woman’s Worth: Aim High Girls!

ednakimaniblog: Welcome to your new home on WordPress.com

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Who she really is.

JUMLAWALA

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: THE ORIGIN OF IMAGINATION ……

WINGS OF POETRY: WINGS OF POETRY Layers Of Life

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK:  Who Am I

Writing for the health of it Self Medicant

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: DO WEHAVE FREE WILL?

IAIN KELLY:CREATIVE WRITING, FICTION, WRITING, WRITING EXERCISE: REVENGE

cherellef  – UNFORTUNETLY THE LINK IS BROKEN. HAVE A WORD WITH WORDPRESS SUPPORT.

SHAWN L. BIRD-teacher, author, poet, and Rotarian Shawn L. Bird in beautiful Shuswap Lake, BC

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: MICRO POEM how to be a writer

Photography Art Plus Photography, Animals, Flowers, Nature, Sky

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK:Segunda Bienal de Muralismo Cali Colombia

My Life is NOT Perfect! Real life raising kids…

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Trying to be honest about life with kids..

RAHEEMJAN760 This website tells you about how to maintain your body fitness …which thing are good for your health and which are bad.This website also tell you about importance of eating fruits and vegetables in our daily life.So follow us to get information about how to maintain your body and health ..

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: WHY WALKING ON GRASS IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH?

Francis & Anna Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere.

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Building A Team In Marriage

LA DOLCE NINA

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: SEPTUM NOSE PIERCING|INSPIRATION

Best Paleo Cookbooks-Find here best cooking and health information

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: BEST PALEO FOODS FOR BETTER, GLOWING SKIN

EASY EATZ

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: How to Make the Perfect Roast Chicken

rocking happy animal

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Cheer Up

The 6th Taste

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK : Chocolate Cake Recipe — Beyond Our Sky

CONSCIOUSNESS OF MAN

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Habits

BLISSFULG-short story and poetry

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK:  NO POSTS AS OF YET. WELCOME TO WORDPRESS!

GirlandWorld! Life and Army life!

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: The girl code: that separates between a bitch and a real woman! Guideline for all girl’s code of conduct!

PHILESSATRY

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Stand up and be counted

iamapacifist -One voice at a time…

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Ended possibilities.

THE MIND OF A DEPRESSED GIRL WHAT GOES ON INSIDE MY HEAD

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK:BLABBER PT 1: EMPTINESS

CARLIE LIVING LIFE WITH DIABETES, AN EATING DISORDER, AND THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST.

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: WHEN ED IS SCREAMING…

FURNITURE_FAMOUS welcome to my site

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: that funny

A Life Of Mental Illness The Joys and Pains, Highs and Lows, Fast Times and Hard Knocks of Schizophrenic Living in a Chronically Sane World

DAISY’S STAT POST PICK:Why Can’t You Just Be Normal?

Chimera Imagination is all you need

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Positivity

STREAT SHOWBIZZ WORLD

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: CHECK OUT THEIR FB PAGE   – WARNING:  EROTIC PICTURES OF FAMOUS CELEBS.

Mio’s hot food food, healthy, delicious, fast, cheap, spicy, hot, kitchen, chicken, pork, fish

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Easy cheesecake

LIONAROUNDWRITING LET US MAKE AN EXCHANGE – I PROVIDE STORIES, YOU ENJOY THEM.

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: USEFUL LINKS FOR WRITERS

STEVE ROSE’S BLOG On Life in Transition

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: MORAL INJURY

MAGGIEMAEIJUSTSAYTHIS

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Maggie Mae

MY 3sixty5challenge HOW WE CAME TO BE ON THIS ROAD

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: DAY 102 – JEOPARDIZE – DAILY PROMPT SHORT STORY

TANGLED UP IN MUSIC

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: My Other Blog

4therace MY MIND PROJECTED ONTO THE SCREEN

DAISY’S STAR POST PICKMy Love For Film

THE ANNIE ON SUNDAY SELF CARE, LIFESTYLE, SPORTS AND LOTS MORE

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: MY EXPERIENCE OF COUCH TO 5K

HILLARYANDEANAN-“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” — Maya Angelou

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: 100 years of wedding cakes

Depression and Art My journey and My Art

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Introduction Of My Art -My Own Style And Creation

mackmarie-Living.Learning.Loving

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Why “no” is such a beautiful word

KIT O’MALLEY- Love, Learn and Live with Bipolar Disorder

DAISY’S STAR POST PICKFolie à Deux- I Am My Mother

PositiveMindset2016.Wordpress.com

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Be a Example and a Leader.💼☕👓

BALAJ ARTS- DRAWING. PAINTING, DIGITAL PRINTING, DESIGNS , CHARTS, LINE ART AND DRAWING CLASS

DAISY’S STAR POST PICKNANDHA ART GIFT WORK

Needull in a haystack Puncture the boredom, read a needull

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Psychotherapists in Mental Health

ON THE SHELF Spinster in DC

MORAL HARASSMENT SITE.COM

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: What is the meaning of moral harassment

Makaitah Rogue Personal Musings of a versatile femme

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Fallen: Chapter 1

Chopping Board Kitchen Egg free, Vegetarian Recipes and Punjabi Kitchen Tricks

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Pudding for Breakfast anyone?

Yoòbá Roots-…restoring the Yoruba heritage

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: MY PARADISE YOUR HELL

UPCYCLE YOUR LIFE Attacking Every Day Issues

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Speaking To A Different Crowd

CHAKRA’S BLOG Lets learn together | सँगसँगै सिकौँ

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Does the “O Shot®” give insanely good orgasms or is it a “no shot”

run.rabbit.RUN

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Disappearing and detoxing

The Scribe Everything from hip-hop to, well, everything.

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: That Look

LEMASLIFE Fashion, Beauty, Lifestyle …

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: THE 10 COOLEST NAIL POLISH HACKS

the Vogue Chef- creating a better You

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Welcome to the Stylish Side of the VC

madasahatter572 Reading + Writing = Devotion

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Jack and Jill

The Black Veil One

DAISY’S STAR POST PICK: Flowery Dress

BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL AND HAVE A GRAND WEEK WHEREVER YOU ARE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Current mindset

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Oh yeah baby – all I am asking for is a little bit of respect…. ( totally dancing on my own in my room – may just grab my hair brush )

TOTAL RESPECT to a very good mate of mine on Word Press for this award.

Who doesn’t know Paul ?

Talented, generous and a born fighter. I have a lot of time for this dude. Look at this face what is not to love?

efa87b1cb1a13e6ddd8edad58dcee694
PAUL AND THE INFAMOUS DAPHNE

Don’t let the title of  his Blog put you off – this is not all about fitness but it will put you through your paces. Or should I say Paul will.

wwwpalfitness

To train or not to train      – check his Blog out!

So a respect award is pretty fucking awesome right? I want to thank Michelle for nominating me for the one lovely award Blog. I recently just accepted this so I have decided I am going to give this award to some one else I think is awesome.

GUESS WHO?

one-lovely-blog-award-rules

SIMPLY ETTA D.    Your quotes  have inspired me and helped push me to move forward.

Here she is : I forfeit my award from Michelle  @ PSYCHEDELIC BAY -WHERE HOPE IS REAL   – Small shout out to her partner in crime 😉 Cezanne. 

11731589_866838766739627_3022584227301488117_o
SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT 

Before I continue with accepting this really cool RESPECT award. I just want to let everyone who reads this that there is an epic party going on this weekend at Jaquies a cooking pot and twisted tails. place. If you don’t know her.

Where have you been?

afb404351ac564fefe0c580836307204

 

Ha ha. She is another great inspiration and my Blog role model.

I also want to thank Linda G Hill. your  Saturday  soCS -stream of consciousness writing challenge. She  always prompts me to get shit out of my head and onto the screen.  You get me thinking out of my comfort zone which I love! ❤

Then there is the rest of you who I follow and who follow me. You make life that bit easier for me and I love all the different perspectives I read and the cool thoughts and ideas  you have swirling round those brains of yours – The Word Press community are full of heart. We are empaths and should rule the world .

What are we going to do tonight  ,WP posse ?

giphy (28).gif

giphy (29).gif

Okay so on with accepting my award from Paul.

RESPECT BLOG AWARD.jpg

 

 

THREE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER:

WHAT DOES RESPECT MEAN TO YOU ?

  • It means having faith and self love and self belief. 

  • Respect is about using old school style manners –  that will never go out of style for me

  • Respect is about boundaries and acknowledging others have boundaries and not to cross them and know when not too.

  • It means listening and it requires effort and commitment and compromise

WHO DO I RESPECT THE MOST?

I respect people who are honest with me. Who take me for who I am. I respect people who are true to themselves and are not afraid to stand alone when the shit hits the fan. I respect people who refuse to give up – the people who rise and fall and rise and fall and rise again.  I have a lot of respect for my Mother and my Nan. Two ladies who fought to keep me alive. I would probably  be dead today if it were not for their persistence that I could find a way to be happy in this world.

WHAT DO I RESPECT THE MOST ABOUT MYSELF?

Woah I guess…. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t hide my issues. I fucking embrace them. I am not really great at giving up. I like myself . I have a lot of love to give to people. I don’t take bullshit but I can’t hold a grudge. I try but I can’t -especially if it is some one who I feel or once felt a connection with. I hate conflict. 

ONLY THREE NOMINEES?

carpe-diem-and-fuck-that-shit

These are solely based on recent discussions I have had with these Bloggers.

  1. BRENDA  @CYBERNETIC BLONDE

  2. SERENA @ SERENA JOY SINCLAIR Lifelong Learner

  3. BROOKE @ theutopiauniverse

  4. LISA         @KIDSCRUMBSANDCRACKERS

  5. ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE MENTIONED ME IN THEIR BLOGS THIS PAST WEEK. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIND YOU ALL ON WORD PRESS YET BUT I WILL……..

  6. T                MY LITTLE BIT OF SERENITY   HAPPY 6TH ANNIVERSARY TO YOU AND PRESH 

  7. QUEEN BEE @ I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC