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Even Lunatics must break fast

The calm before the storm.

I break my fast musing over my odds of being crazier than the norm.

Muttering,

stuttering

— Brain sensory overload — the cranium structure is deceiving in its form.

The third eye lazily flickers in a state of REM.

an attempt to channel my inner chakra.

I’ve resorted to stick-on Googly eyes to play the part of spiritualist guru, sipping on high tea, to awaken my inner rapture.

Dear Goddess Kali, can you save me from the howling winds?

The mooing cows spinning around me

  moaning gutturally for their new fateful flight as fledgelings?

My Glasshouse shatters into a myriad of snow flaked, razor-sharp, jagged pieces.

broken,

unable to repair the damage.

Take a searing hot iron to my face to smooth out the grimace in my features.

Sacerdotal screams interrupt the night — another man stolen from his lullaby.

Sleepless ideas

patrol,

brazen in their efforts to destroy,

 my favourite playlist titled: sweet dreams.

behind the thousands of words, I’ve ploughed through with oars

Where will  I be?

Will I have sailed?

Will I capsize?

Will I have the ability to walk?

Will I  be a cripple, dragging myself by the elbows under a storm pelted bleached , grainy beach?

The Temptations won’t knock

They will saunter in.

Oh, it’s to be expected.

I refuse to fall to my knees

swearing  my allegiance to make another man’s family richer

Than see mine indicted.

I’d sooner sit on a floor, covered in colours of paint and corners lit with the smiles of my loves.

I’d sooner watch paint dry or read a screenplay loosely based on what I know about when life comes to rouse me with rough pushes or shoves.

Fire,

water,

earth,

and air

Elements balance my kinetic,

dynamic,

complex feelings of despair.

Change comes with a promise.

Fear comes with very little solace.

Motion to a new position –

don’t cower from success

It might even suit your current attire and inner prowess.

 

My time to deliver.

Get my due.

Affection,

laughter,

love,

and living

For me and my few.

 

My kind words are still here and my support?

I have some to spare.

I won’t waste it on those who don’t reciprocate

The err is but their own.

Chosen to remain frozen-staring down a hall of, pale, mirrored self-reflection.

unable to see

they are not the only ones

in need of encouragement or care.

I swill down the remnants of this blessed day with a bitter tea.

 

I clamour to suppress my applause.

I  catch out the dawn  rising with a yawn  unashamed ,gloriously

naked.

I’m no longer afraid to be the lunatic.

I’ve seen the powers of nature.

Forces of rage.

still, waters run deep.

 This insanity is something I hold dear to me-

The great mother gave it to me-

I will set with the  sun

It’s my duty to consummate all that is sacred.

Revised stream of consciousness — borderline poetry.

MAN-IMAL OR WO-MAN-IMAL?

M

Today,I’m kind of moving away from my conventional idea of what my animal theme and what  an animal is supposed to be. I have been pretty much any animal you can get.

Party animal

Sick animal

Angry animal

Pregnant animal

Savage animal

Abused animal

Wild animal

you name it I have been it.

The time when I have most felt like an animal was when I couldn’t speak. Don’t get me wrong, I understood everything that was going on around me.

ow8a8e

I knew the parlez and slang too.

I just lost my voice. I didn’t even have a new voice to replace my wo-ma-nimal voice.

I think my affinity with animals is deep because I have been thrown in cells (mainly of the  police kind) .

I’ve been shipped off to private hospitals to  be treated and be case studies with my crazy animal genes.

Those who know me -will get this.

Today. ME.

Who  am  I today?

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An empowered, feminist who wears her heart on her sleeve.

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Would I describe myself as an animal?

and if so why ?

The answer is yes. I am probably more in tune with more animals than people because animals are naturally sentient beings. So are humans but have you seen how in humane humans have become/

I’ve felt what it is like not to have free will -if you can get my meaning.

I’ve had my freedom taken away and now I have taken it back.

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Today I’m buzzing.

I’m going ape shit crazily happy .

 

I didn’t think I would see this week through for various reasons.

Today, I went back to my roots.

The very  start of my journey in the vast, exciting and terrifying world of volunteering with mental health charities.

Hope charity@ Caldredale Recovery college  was where I got my first break and my first GIFT – check it  out HERE.  This was where I was shown how to  and began to believe in myself .

Finally, I began to believe that  I could go on to do things that I never even dreamed of doing.  My prize was hope and passion and drive. I met a  great bunch of people.

After doing some training and work with Hope , I had the opportunity to do a couple of  workshops centred around  stigma and mental health with the healthy minds open minds project . I have loved  being a small part of this project.

I enjoyed being a part of HEALTHY MINDS RADIO SHOW

I have found our how  committed I can be.

Recently, I have  been on several  challenging training sessions, geared at  getting me to think  “out side the box “and gain more perspective and insight into facilitating peer led support groups with healthy minds.

It’s not an easy role.

In fact it is one of the most difficult roles.

I’m currently  waiting to go through my personal development file to see which direction I will go with Healthy minds.  A well established and awesome charity.

Today ,I got to do more training with Hope charity, it was lovely to be around old friends. It was great to see how we had all grown and where we were up to.  It was like coming home from an adventure.

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I am so lame and I don’t care.  I am going to share this with you because I have fucking earned it

TAH-DAH. I am officially on board with the NHS (National health service in the U.K.) volunteer books.

This is my  equivalent to a  VIP pass to a Celeb after party or  the promo badge all areas access to  a worldwide indie movie festival. This is what this feels to me.  A  small example of a measurement of commitment and effort..

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  Some people may go so what?

I go what?!

Here is a bit of insight into what this means to me.

I came from South Africa  to the U.K.when I was 18 years old.  Worked and lived in France, Barcelona  and Miami for a bit and then established myself in the U.K. permanently when I was 21/22 years old.

I worked and had a rewarding job in the travel and tourism industry.

I hit all my targets.

I got sent on training events.

As I began to grow into my role, I was  sent to conferences in places like Bulgaria, to establish connections and represent the  brand  of Travel care, (  a part of the defunct  co-operative travel group- now owned by Thomas Cook)

…….and then I got ill.

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I  COULD SAVED MYSELF A LOT OF DAMAGE IF I HAD THIS ADVICE AND USED IT. 

 

I’ve been fighting my illness for over a decade to get back to some level  of the success I experienced in my Travel career. It has been the longest drop down the rabbit hole and the climb up has been

dirty. ,

muddy,

slippery

and pretty fucking  messy.

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I’ve studied  my ass off- I didn’t think anything else could top  getting my BA degree,

  • apart from having my Bella B

  •  me weeks away from getting married

  • being mega successful in a career

  •  travelling – of course.

  • Oh, and having my child taken out of foster care and placed in my full time care again without the local authorities in my life.

It has taken me  just over a decade to get to the place where I feel like I belong. I feel worthy again

 I feel like  I am back in my natural habitat.

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I’ve worked hard to get to this point. And I am damn proud of myself. Somebody has to be.

I could have done a post on another type of animal . But in all honesty I have  got to type down what is in my heart.

The queen of my mind is also the queen of my  heart. I know so. I live in my mind and body.

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So today. I’m having a huge party in my head. I’m sharing it ` with the entire blogo-sphere that I have something  tangible that symbolises what my worth means to me again.

I will not lose my worth again.

So that is it.

I’m amped for another exciting project that I have heard about and will definitely  be going to it next week. I don’t want to say too much. I don’t want to jinx anything. My creative side has  been stirred and shaken  and I have ideas.

I also get  the opportunity to bounce ideas off other like minded people.

So I am not not going to miss any possible  opportunities to live and be awesome and help others find a sense of worth and see their own awesomeness .

 I always thought I would be the animal who would never be able to live in the wild again. I would need to be kept in a reserve of some kind.

Nope,

A Daisy may be a weed – but  it still breathes. It is an earthling. – you, me, animals,fish , spiders birds,plants and trees -all need oxygyn to survive.

While my heart still pumps blood and  oxygen  around my body and into my lungs. I aint going to give up.

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I know I am bigging myself up.

Can I talk the talk? Type the type?

Well -obviously…

But,

Can I walk the walk?

Watch this space.

I have another shot at life and I am living it.

The ultimate challenge on earth. Thanks to all those who read my posts xxx

you are all fucking amazing, supportive and read my shit and then like it.

Happy weekend..

Some one  mentioned   a meet and greet when you grow up at THE SIMPLE LIFE this weekend.

I will be bringing the party spirit.

Nebulous

 You  know when you fall out with someone? Say you kind of knew one another years a ago and then met up again and had to meet up again. We made that happen- well I did- one night. I wanted to drink. I wanted to get pissed, soak up as much nostalgia as I could. 

Cocktails in a pub, turned to vodka, sambuca, dagga and my  extensive benzo cocktail medication at his house. I got ridiculous. Something happened. An argument? We fooled around. I’m going to say common sense and a conscious stopped anything too serious to occur. I admit that may just be  the glossed over version. 

Psycho!

 I didn’t have a knife in my hand. I was in the bathroom not in the shower. No blood but looking for my mobile phone. Stumbling about in a nebulous haze.

‘1984’ the book that first drew your eyes to that word ‘ nebulous’ . The person to make me look up its meaning .  If I could sum up that whole might in one word -NEBULOUS  would be it. 

An argument. I took offence  to the the word ‘psycho. I’m too sensitive for my own good. You were going to call the police.

WHAT WARRANTED THAT?  I walked home. Again I was told I am mad because I wouldn’t get a taxi. I was drunk, fucked up -confused, sad- offended- my pride……

Indeed my pride is why I sent you that email – everything thing I knew about you I used against you. You retaliated. I cried. But what did I expect after calling you what I did. I deleted the messages and blocked you. I forgot and then I remembered. We had fallen out before. 

Lately I have been wondering if you meant what you said. I’m glad I deleted the message because I can’t go back and read what you thought of me. I want to reach out but pride won’t let me. I’m sorry! I know we were both fucked up and you were just a bit of a dick and I  was reckless- a bitch? A psycho ?  but I know that is not the true you and I know who I am and what kind of person I am. 

This is the best way of getting YOU out of my system. What I really wanted was your friendship but I guess impulses got in the way.

Do I feel better?  

I will. I mean,

I’m only human.

Only?  

I mean I am human.

Being human doesn’t come with a Genie with the voice and comic timing of Robin Williams…  

It does come with a daughter and my husband to be,  a wedding,a trip to Orlando and a career. I’m not Daisy circa 2009 or even Daisy circa last night. I do however have too much heart and not enough sleeves to show it. 

No regrets. 

Only silver linings….. and  a heart free of anger and one filled with ‘I wish you well and have to let you go’ Your happiness precedes my Ego,my  pride and my curiosity.. 

Daisy 

(Image sourced from Google images)

How to forgive.

I think after yesterdays rant -this post needs to focus on a more positive topic. We are only human- not some perfect Deities. I think I may have been a bit harsh in what I posted. Not everyone thinks the same or feels the same or is interested in the same things. In order to move forward we need to let go of our grudges. 

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Grudges -don’t allow grudges to poison you

TRADITION:Paryushan Parva

DATE:Bhadrapada- ( celebrated mid -August -mid November

CELEBRATED: India 

Forgiveness is something our Ego part of ourselves holds onto with as many tentacles as possible. The media is a great example of showing us how little we truly forgive. The saying ‘an eye for an eye’ is more the motto of the day than say the ‘turn the other cheek’ motto.  Our dignity and self respect and our Freedom are the concepts we hide behind to justify why we won’t let go and why we hold on to grudges.

Forgiveness is still seen as submissive act.

‘Me ask forgiveness from   you?’

Oh, please what do I look like, the shit on your crappy shoes?  I’m not going to bow down begging you -for forgiveness,what do I look like?’ ( cue: a roaring laughter, head thrown back for all the world to peer into your wide, gaping opened mouth. The same unforgiving  mouth that has a few missing teeth and a few fillings.  Not so perfect at all.

Sound familiar?  Some people use forgiveness for manipulation and control. The power is  in the forgivers grip.

 THOUGHTS: (Not necessarily conscious ones)

I will make you grovel before me, buy me things in an attempt to make it up to me, you will do this and maybe then I will forgive you. 

We sound like a nasty bunch,, don’t we?

We are not. Pride can bring out an ugly side to our nature.

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A lot of the times we  ‘forgive’because there is no other alternative and because we don’t want to come across as being bitter. I forgive you – you say, in your mind is ‘but I won’t forget this.

WARNING: GRUDGE GRUDGE GRUDGE  WOOOOO WOOOO-a siren and  the flashing of blue and red lights. The grudge police are out with shields and batons – tear gas is stashed in their pockets – to use only if necessary, obviously.Visualise  a pantomime  ‘Mwahahahahaahah’ moment.

Absolute – true forgiveness is not anything I have just described. You probably have already sussed this one out for yourselves.

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Forgiveness is  the sage of teachings held by the people of the Jain faith. 

Jainism is an ancient religion from India that teaches that the way to liberation and bliss is to live a life of harmlessness and renunciation.

The aim of Jain life is to achieve liberation of the soul.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/jainism/

The Jain people annually come together for a 10 day festival to celebrate these virtues. They spend days contemplating and using prayer  with the object of asking to be forgiven and asking to be able to forgive – with an open and gentle heart. The Jain people believe this is the only way to cleanse the soul and to free oneself  from the weight of unhelpful emotions such as hatred, anger and bitterness. 

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If you are to truly forgive someone you must repress the Ego – the pride , be open to feeling a sense of humbleness. Enough, to take a good look inside of yourself and reflect that you are imperfect, just like the person asking for forgiveness or the person who may not know you can’t forgive them for an act of violating you. Does this make sense? It comes down to asking your own self to forgive YOU. How can you truly forgive if you can’t muster up the courage to forgive yourself for your own actions?

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‘I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!’

 You have allowed negative emotions to reside in your mind and take away your own sense of peace and happiness.

So how can you achieve true forgiveness in your life? Without a trip to India -as wonderful  a thought a it is, I would love to go to India one day.

You may have heard of this before but trying writing  letters to the important people in your life and apologise for the time that YOU may have failed them or let them down. You don’t have to send the letters or if you want: send them!

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Here is a challenge to find happiness: Next time some one crosses you or does something to hurt you, respond whole-heartedly and offer your forgiveness. LET IT GO!  You are only hurting yourself holding onto the negative emotions that cling onto you.

What’s the saying?  ‘Forgive- with no strings attached’. It is possible. I have done it a few times in my life We can’t go back we can only do something today. 

the-first-to-apologize-is-the-bravestthe-first-to-forgive-is-the-strongestthe-first-to-forget-is-the-happiest-happiness-quote

 

THE MESSAGE: True forgiveness is the most liberating and a  powerful act to be able to do. Then there will be more room to allow happiness to pitch up a tent and chill out. 

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THANK YOU!

Hi all,

I started blogging  in September 2015. I had been putting off doing it for far too long. People won’t get me, my writing will be rubbish. You know how those garbage- can thoughts can infect the mind sooner,rather than later. 

It’s a big day for me. So I am going to pat myself on the back and say ‘well done- keep persevering’

I follow some incredibly diverse blogs but also many blogs about people with mental health issues. This subject is close to my heart and in my head -sometimes they are  loud and sometime  a little  murmur is all I hear.

 

I don’t want to go on too much but getting 100 word press followers is an epic milestone for me.thank-you-for-one-hundred-followers.png  I read your blogs and am blown  away by your talent and imaginations and your realities and how you put all this into words. I would like to add that none of my friends or family have supported me and that is what makes this achievement so valuable. I can connect with people and I’m good enough. 

So , let’s all raise a glass of whatever your favourite tipple is and cheers to you all. Cheers-GIF.gif