The calm before the storm.
I break my fast musing over my odds of being crazier than the norm.
— Brain sensory overload — the cranium structure is deceiving in its form.
The third eye lazily flickers in a state of REM.
an attempt to channel my inner chakra.
I’ve resorted to stick-on Googly eyes to play the part of spiritualist guru, sipping on high tea, to awaken my inner rapture.
Dear Goddess Kali, can you save me from the howling winds?
The mooing cows spinning around me
moaning gutturally for their new fateful flight as fledgelings?
My Glasshouse shatters into a myriad of snow flaked, razor-sharp, jagged pieces.
unable to repair the damage.
Take a searing hot iron to my face to smooth out the grimace in my features.
Sacerdotal screams interrupt the night — another man stolen from his lullaby.
brazen in their efforts to destroy,
my favourite playlist titled: sweet dreams.
behind the thousands of words, I’ve ploughed through with oars
Where will I be?
Will I have sailed?
Will I capsize?
Will I have the ability to walk?
Will I be a cripple, dragging myself by the elbows under a storm pelted bleached , grainy beach?
The Temptations won’t knock
They will saunter in.
Oh, it’s to be expected.
I refuse to fall to my knees
swearing my allegiance to make another man’s family richer
Than see mine indicted.
I’d sooner sit on a floor, covered in colours of paint and corners lit with the smiles of my loves.
I’d sooner watch paint dry or read a screenplay loosely based on what I know about when life comes to rouse me with rough pushes or shoves.
Elements balance my kinetic,
complex feelings of despair.
Change comes with a promise.
Fear comes with very little solace.
Motion to a new position –
don’t cower from success
It might even suit your current attire and inner prowess.
My time to deliver.
Get my due.
For me and my few.
My kind words are still here and my support?
I have some to spare.
I won’t waste it on those who don’t reciprocate
The err is but their own.
Chosen to remain frozen-staring down a hall of, pale, mirrored self-reflection.
unable to see
they are not the only ones
in need of encouragement or care.
I swill down the remnants of this blessed day with a bitter tea.
I clamour to suppress my applause.
I catch out the dawn rising with a yawn unashamed ,gloriously
I’m no longer afraid to be the lunatic.
I’ve seen the powers of nature.
Forces of rage.
still, waters run deep.
This insanity is something I hold dear to me-
The great mother gave it to me-
I will set with the sun
It’s my duty to consummate all that is sacred.
Revised stream of consciousness — borderline poetry.
Today,I’m kind of moving away from my conventional idea of what my animal theme and what an animal is supposed to be. I have been pretty much any animal you can get.
you name it I have been it.
The time when I have most felt like an animal was when I couldn’t speak. Don’t get me wrong, I understood everything that was going on around me.
I knew the parlez and slang too.
I just lost my voice. I didn’t even have a new voice to replace my wo-ma-nimal voice.
I think my affinity with animals is deep because I have been thrown in cells (mainly of the police kind) .
I’ve been shipped off to private hospitals to be treated and be case studies with my crazy animal genes.
Those who know me -will get this.
Who am I today?
An empowered, feminist who wears her heart on her sleeve.
Would I describe myself as an animal?
and if so why ?
The answer is yes. I am probably more in tune with more animals than people because animals are naturally sentient beings. So are humans but have you seen how in humane humans have become/
I’ve felt what it is like not to have free will -if you can get my meaning.
I’ve had my freedom taken away and now I have taken it back.
Today I’m buzzing.
I’m going ape shit crazily happy .
I didn’t think I would see this week through for various reasons.
Today, I went back to my roots.
The very start of my journey in the vast, exciting and terrifying world of volunteering with mental health charities.
Hope charity@ Caldredale Recovery college was where I got my first break and my first GIFT – check it out HERE. This was where I was shown how to and began to believe in myself .
Finally, I began to believe that I could go on to do things that I never even dreamed of doing. My prize was hope and passion and drive. I met a great bunch of people.
After doing some training and work with Hope , I had the opportunity to do a couple of workshops centred around stigma and mental health with the healthy minds open minds project . I have loved being a small part of this project.
I enjoyed being a part of HEALTHY MINDS RADIO SHOW
I have found our how committed I can be.
Recently, I have been on several challenging training sessions, geared at getting me to think “out side the box “and gain more perspective and insight into facilitating peer led support groups with healthy minds.
It’s not an easy role.
In fact it is one of the most difficult roles.
I’m currently waiting to go through my personal development file to see which direction I will go with Healthy minds. A well established and awesome charity.
Today ,I got to do more training with Hope charity, it was lovely to be around old friends. It was great to see how we had all grown and where we were up to. It was like coming home from an adventure.
I am so lame and I don’t care. I am going to share this with you because I have fucking earned it
TAH-DAH. I am officially on board with the NHS (National health service in the U.K.) volunteer books.
This is my equivalent to a VIP pass to a Celeb after party or the promo badge all areas access to a worldwide indie movie festival. This is what this feels to me. A small example of a measurement of commitment and effort..
Some people may go so what?
I go what?!
Here is a bit of insight into what this means to me.
I came from South Africa to the U.K.when I was 18 years old. Worked and lived in France, Barcelona and Miami for a bit and then established myself in the U.K. permanently when I was 21/22 years old.
I worked and had a rewarding job in the travel and tourism industry.
I hit all my targets.
I got sent on training events.
As I began to grow into my role, I was sent to conferences in places like Bulgaria, to establish connections and represent the brand of Travel care, ( a part of the defunct co-operative travel group- now owned by Thomas Cook)
…….and then I got ill.
I’ve been fighting my illness for over a decade to get back to some level of the success I experienced in my Travel career. It has been the longest drop down the rabbit hole and the climb up has been
and pretty fucking messy.
I’ve studied my ass off- I didn’t think anything else could top getting my BA degree,
apart from having my Bella B
me weeks away from getting married
being mega successful in a career
travelling – of course.
Oh, and having my child taken out of foster care and placed in my full time care again without the local authorities in my life.
It has taken me just over a decade to get to the place where I feel like I belong. I feel worthy again
I feel like I am back in my natural habitat.
I’ve worked hard to get to this point. And I am damn proud of myself. Somebody has to be.
I could have done a post on another type of animal . But in all honesty I have got to type down what is in my heart.
The queen of my mind is also the queen of my heart. I know so. I live in my mind and body.
So today. I’m having a huge party in my head. I’m sharing it ` with the entire blogo-sphere that I have something tangible that symbolises what my worth means to me again.
I will not lose my worth again.
So that is it.
I’m amped for another exciting project that I have heard about and will definitely be going to it next week. I don’t want to say too much. I don’t want to jinx anything. My creative side has been stirred and shaken and I have ideas.
I also get the opportunity to bounce ideas off other like minded people.
So I am not not going to miss any possible opportunities to live and be awesome and help others find a sense of worth and see their own awesomeness .
I always thought I would be the animal who would never be able to live in the wild again. I would need to be kept in a reserve of some kind.
A Daisy may be a weed – but it still breathes. It is an earthling. – you, me, animals,fish , spiders birds,plants and trees -all need oxygyn to survive.
While my heart still pumps blood and oxygen around my body and into my lungs. I aint going to give up.
I know I am bigging myself up.
Can I talk the talk? Type the type?
Can I walk the walk?
Watch this space.
I have another shot at life and I am living it.
The ultimate challenge on earth. Thanks to all those who read my posts xxx
you are all fucking amazing, supportive and read my shit and then like it.
Some one mentioned a meet and greet when you grow up at THE SIMPLE LIFE this weekend.
I will be bringing the party spirit.
I think after yesterdays rant -this post needs to focus on a more positive topic. We are only human- not some perfect Deities. I think I may have been a bit harsh in what I posted. Not everyone thinks the same or feels the same or is interested in the same things. In order to move forward we need to let go of our grudges.
SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Grudges -don’t allow grudges to poison you
DATE:Bhadrapada- ( celebrated mid -August -mid November
Forgiveness is something our Ego part of ourselves holds onto with as many tentacles as possible. The media is a great example of showing us how little we truly forgive. The saying ‘an eye for an eye’ is more the motto of the day than say the ‘turn the other cheek’ motto. Our dignity and self respect and our Freedom are the concepts we hide behind to justify why we won’t let go and why we hold on to grudges.
Forgiveness is still seen as submissive act.
‘Me ask forgiveness from you?’
Oh, please what do I look like, the shit on your crappy shoes? I’m not going to bow down begging you -for forgiveness,what do I look like?’ ( cue: a roaring laughter, head thrown back for all the world to peer into your wide, gaping opened mouth. The same unforgiving mouth that has a few missing teeth and a few fillings. Not so perfect at all.
Sound familiar? Some people use forgiveness for manipulation and control. The power is in the forgivers grip.
THOUGHTS: (Not necessarily conscious ones)
I will make you grovel before me, buy me things in an attempt to make it up to me, you will do this and maybe then I will forgive you.
We sound like a nasty bunch,, don’t we?
We are not. Pride can bring out an ugly side to our nature.
A lot of the times we ‘forgive’because there is no other alternative and because we don’t want to come across as being bitter. I forgive you – you say, in your mind is ‘but I won’t forget this.
WARNING: GRUDGE GRUDGE GRUDGE WOOOOO WOOOO-a siren and the flashing of blue and red lights. The grudge police are out with shields and batons – tear gas is stashed in their pockets – to use only if necessary, obviously.Visualise a pantomime ‘Mwahahahahaahah’ moment.
Absolute – true forgiveness is not anything I have just described. You probably have already sussed this one out for yourselves.
Forgiveness is the sage of teachings held by the people of the Jain faith.
Jainism is an ancient religion from India that teaches that the way to liberation and bliss is to live a life of harmlessness and renunciation.
The aim of Jain life is to achieve liberation of the soul.
The Jain people annually come together for a 10 day festival to celebrate these virtues. They spend days contemplating and using prayer with the object of asking to be forgiven and asking to be able to forgive – with an open and gentle heart. The Jain people believe this is the only way to cleanse the soul and to free oneself from the weight of unhelpful emotions such as hatred, anger and bitterness.
If you are to truly forgive someone you must repress the Ego – the pride , be open to feeling a sense of humbleness. Enough, to take a good look inside of yourself and reflect that you are imperfect, just like the person asking for forgiveness or the person who may not know you can’t forgive them for an act of violating you. Does this make sense? It comes down to asking your own self to forgive YOU. How can you truly forgive if you can’t muster up the courage to forgive yourself for your own actions?
‘I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING!’
You have allowed negative emotions to reside in your mind and take away your own sense of peace and happiness.
So how can you achieve true forgiveness in your life? Without a trip to India -as wonderful a thought a it is, I would love to go to India one day.
You may have heard of this before but trying writing letters to the important people in your life and apologise for the time that YOU may have failed them or let them down. You don’t have to send the letters or if you want: send them!
Here is a challenge to find happiness: Next time some one crosses you or does something to hurt you, respond whole-heartedly and offer your forgiveness. LET IT GO! You are only hurting yourself holding onto the negative emotions that cling onto you.
What’s the saying? ‘Forgive- with no strings attached’. It is possible. I have done it a few times in my life We can’t go back we can only do something today.
THE MESSAGE: True forgiveness is the most liberating and a powerful act to be able to do. Then there will be more room to allow happiness to pitch up a tent and chill out.
I started blogging in September 2015. I had been putting off doing it for far too long. People won’t get me, my writing will be rubbish. You know how those garbage- can thoughts can infect the mind sooner,rather than later.
It’s a big day for me. So I am going to pat myself on the back and say ‘well done- keep persevering’
I follow some incredibly diverse blogs but also many blogs about people with mental health issues. This subject is close to my heart and in my head -sometimes they are loud and sometime a little murmur is all I hear.