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A poem from a strange daughter

If  foresight revealed you would  always  remain  my biggest fan

then in retrospect, I’m certain you wished that you had made a better escape plan.

I type these words weary & mothered out.

Wondering how I can still love a child who dismisses me without having to shout.

I do.

Mostly love

Mostly nag & figure motherhood out.

Is it worth it?

Life is fleeting.

these words would sound better if interpreted by a Geisha learning how to interpret the I Ching.

Silver linings

strive to find a purpose.

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you may make you stronger

It also makes one weary and often a bit teary.

 I carry on the tradition

light  your cake as a reminder

that without you there would be no fire lit in my belly savouring the meaning of meaning.

Life is a celebration, a trial and cursed blessing.

I have no words to convey how much I have sinned.

To quote a wise lady I’ll be happy if I can be a quarter the lady my mother is when…

she draws the curtains on her solo performance of a life lived.

life would have been sung by the haunting blues & myriad cherubs singing ‘Elysium exists’ hymn after hymn.

Happy birthday –  psalm 58 to the creator of  hope & faith

a celebration to your mortality.

Insightful are those who keep a track of the moments lived in the presence

& know how to make all of it count.

loop of mankind

When I think of the word History, I think – ha ha!

No- erm….

I think of all my experiences.

I think of all the times I never listened to others, all the adventures -risky and dangerous -that I took myself on.

I think about where I am today – or rather how I think about my personal history.

I find it useless to blame my parents or ex-partners or people who abused me at whatever age- not because I don’t think they had an impact on some of the decisions I made in life.

Some people were held accountable either by the law or good old karma and others went and still continue to go through their own life shit.

I can’t do anything to change my history. I can’t make a person talk me  ( I can try to and have done) or love me or want to know more about me.

I find the more I rag at my past or people in my past – the less productive I am in my present life.

When I come to terms with say, a childhood experience or heartbreak/betrayal and  I decide to forgive (not forget);

I’ve seen how this conscious act to look ahead instead of looking backward has helped me deal with my past, in unexpected ways.

Classic example:   I was very hurt about the relationship I had with my Dad for many years and then, when I decided to focus on how I could try and move our relationship forward, Life found a way for us to have some kind of relationship.

He lives in Africa. I’m in the U.K. and I really love those silly IQ tests /knowledge tests on Facebook and so does my Dad!

 It’s our time together. It’s a way I have found to get to know my dad, have a laugh, feel connected to him and it’s helped me see my Dad as a human.

 I have been able to talk with him  on skype and let him see who I really am- Who I have grown up to be. I’ve had the uncomfortable ‘I don’t know what to say’ and worked through it. 

This is just one example.

I think if I had carried on being on the offensive – not being contact with him and thinking and feeling whatever it was I did, I don’t think I would have some part of my Dad in my life today.

Should he have reached out? I’m not even going there.

The point is I know how to reach out to people, I know I’m in control of me.

I don’t always get it right.

When I think of certain people and situations I’ve caused or found myself in- I can be confrontational and maybe those people aren’t ready or in a place to be a part of my life in a way, I want them to be.

It’s hard for me to accept other people’s choices.

 I don’t give in.

I’m stubborn.

The people I make time and effort for in the past or now- I do genuinely care about these people.

Eventually, I have to respect that not everyone wants me around or likeS me or …..who knows what they think!

 So, I have to suck it up – cry, refocus my energy and live my Life.

I don’t forget these people.

I often want these people to succeed even the people who made life hell for me.

The people who tried to bring me down – one  example,

At my hen do. I was looking good, my mental state was great and I felt good about me and I had an energy around me. I invited a bunch of friends out and one of the girls who I met through a relative – made the remark

” You’ve put on weight haven’t you”  

My mates were horrified knowing how far I’ve come with my issues.

 It took a couple days for my rage to kick in. I had it out with her and then I decided this girl has a LOT of her own issues.

Her life hasn’t been easy and isn’t and I’m not going to fall for it.

So even today, I big this person up. I encourage her to achieve dreams. I’m not best mates with her!

  Fuck, I’m not stupid. ha ha!

I need positive people around me.

I just realized that she saw something in me that maybe she didn’t have and it’s easier to try and bring a person down than be happy for someone.

Not everyone is on the same level of thinking you and I are on.

We all have a narrative, a past, a history. We deal with ourselves 24 hours a day.

Sometimes we try to escape from ourselves,

We drug ourselves to get away from ourselves.

Be it with sugar, food, cigs, weed, prescription meds, alcohol, crack, spice, legal highs, extreme sports, sex, porn, money.

I’m glad I’ve had people run me down in life.

 I’m not ecstatic about it but I can see the benefits of it – looking baaa ack over my shoulder…. ( like the song)

I am a person who is genuine, I have empathy, I filter my judgments, I forgive, I set boundaries, I reset boundaries.

I know what I believe in- what I am passionate about.

People do still challenge me.

 I’m  an observer and I ‘ve learned how to respond to certain types of people. Some people need to be spoken to how they speak to others.

If someone doesn’t get me -I’ve learned there are many who will and do.

I just put myself out on a limb and it feels like torture but I hang in there -until I’m just about to give up, then somebody or something comes into my life and reaffirms what I believe in.

I’m not saying my beliefs and values and the way I live are right for everyone but they are right for me.

I know what I need to work  on and I do ask for help.

January is coming to a close –

no more Just January Jots.



I’ve enjoyed the word prompts. I never know what will come out of my head.


It’s sunny and I have lots of work to do and I’m feeling optimistic, scared and determined.

Thanks for reading


State of Dis Orient

Ladies dressed up to watch the jockeys race, not on but against their steed.

A befitting bet, the only time you will see her bow down, wearing a fascinator – laid on the mud- sacerdotal, on her knees – lunacy fanned out in a stylish turn of the century plead. 

Mixologists stir up a great spectacle – 50 per cent proof. This skulls hidden unconscious is about to  set  Ablaze

Four straws facing north, east , south, and west. It’s nearly 8 o clock and she is losing all sense of walking along cobbled streets – eyes misty -sultry in her glaze.

Somewhere, busy – night rolls her up in its fringed tapestry. 

Abandoned, lost. Cries of her child – don’t let them take her. 

Don’t let them know she is the true reason the station has become a living catastrophe.

How did she make it past the patrolled border?

An elevator –



confused – out of order.

A wack to the mouth causes bones to elementary fracture.

Spewing out pieces of ivory tooth and red rotten metallic pulp. She has become the victim of a  mere capture.

No eyes, no mouth, no voice.

How can an invisible entity  cause so much blood to make enough for a devil   Mc flurry?

She stumbles about – finally free – absorbing kleenex tissues to stifle the colour of Florida’s orange rain. 

Elbows, whistles, laughter  – a short dwarfed jockey, begs, catches her eye – nods at her in mocking disdain.

Maybe just this once she could wish for a  platform called nine and three quarters. 

She knows the wizard told her to click her shoes thrice and think of home. How is that nothing resembles a place she knows holds the faces of her loving daughters?

Chiming spinning, no change, no credit card, no ticket. 

Ringing, coming from her leathery bag – could it possibly hold  the conscious of a good-hearted  Jimney cricket?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Familiarity breeds a set of stifled sighs.

Eyes veer to her left,  a drunken, matted hair women scream to her brood don’t let these people put you down. You are who you are – Never be ashamed and don’t fucken frown.”

” Let’s have it.”

I’m home!

I’m home!

I’m home!

I’m home!

Nothing seems familiar. She doesn’t recognize a face, a place, not even the sound of the underground.

Train tracks look as slumber full a place to have a reality dysphoric fit.

All of you attempting to copy her brand of me -too-ism.

Not even the darkest version of voodoo blended with rum can get you to her level of cuckoo-ism 

Her child appears. Disappears in the arms of another blur.

A man who says he is her husband is here to take her home – in his arms – he attempts to gather her.

Not without my daughter. She knows what these child traffickers are doing. 

Police form a ring around her – all flashing lights- yellows and blues.

What happened Miss – Miss? 

She breaks down into a misfit of boo hoo-ing. 

Assaulted by her mind and the evil hands of time. 

Destroy the ones she loves – her gaping heart – her child won’t come near her,  not even if the thought crossed over to bribe her child with a dime.

Rage, fury, vengeance and betrayal – a feud with her family- the ones who have stuck by her to the very end.

Divorce on grounds of stationary inebriation. 

Rings are thrown to the ground. Frodo come get what is rightly yours and have your eternal salvation.

Clean sheets, a bottle warmer tinkers at her feet, a hug from the husband who she tried to chase away and defeat. 

A portrait of a framed married couple- Cracked and jagged on the side of this man. Fragmented glass distorts a smile, rendering it obsolete. 

So it is true she is the one encrypted with a  learned evil, the one who holds the reigns of the one who goes by the name  Deceipt?

She picks ups her lace parasol. It can only hide little and only reveal so much – she still has the fascinator and her original brand of receipt. 

24 hours

Today- the present.

If you read what I refrained from posting yesterday, this will give you a clear perspective on how our thoughts and feelings change constantly. I wasn’t going to to go out yesterday. My feelings on how I  was feeling was that I was being  all very ‘woe is me’ and I  had a ‘doom and gloom’ outlook.

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Such an unproductive way for me to think.

 How did I get myself from my bed to out and about and carrying on with my life?


  • I talked about my worries.

  • I explained my anxieties.

  • I spoke to my Mom and My G.


Mom’s great advice was

“You do not know what the future holds”

“Live for this moment”

My four year old daughters advice was this:

” Mommy, I have a good idea . Do you want to go to Asda with me and Daddy and then I can ride the bull/ car ride?”

 Here I was worrying about so many things. I should have been getting excited about getting married.


I  know I am not  the only person  who over analyses and catastrophizes things. It’s a shit mind set to be in but I do work on it.

Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two forms.

I have really missed doing my volunteering. I’ve been so focused on the wedding. I am so happy to say that I have a chance to co -produce and facilitate a mini workshop for Healthy minds at the end of June.

It is in connection with the OPEN MINDS PROJECT.   – that Raises Mental Health Awareness and helps to fight against reducing the stigma around Mental Health issues. 


Fingers crossed!

Please send me some positive vibes. 😀



I get the opportunity to help Healthy minds   do a mini -workshop ,to help  raise awareness around how    parents can  manage  Depression and Anxiety, in a  more holistic way. The other  aim of the workshop is to also sign post people to organisations where they can access help.

I may share a very small part of how I  personally handle my mental health as a parent.

I’ve got a meeting on the 27th June.  The wedding will be over and I can get back to doing something that gives me a sense of purpose.

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so glad I used my care plan and my coping skills yesterday and pushed myself. I can 100% honestly say that when I came home I felt I had accomplished something. I paid the bills, I went to Asda, I popped in to see a friend. I had a chance to laugh and I got to spend time with my daughter ( in the U.K. it is half term holidays.) .

If I had shut myself down completely and said no which is what I initially did. I wouldn’t be feeling like I feel today.


I will post details of the workshop in a post  as soon as possible.

24 hours ago –  My mind state. 

As you lose your youthful Strength,and your body acquires a “more lived in look”, meditate on your true self, your essential consciousness. Body consciousness has no place in your thoughts. You are old enough to know what really matters.” UNKNOWN.

You would this I had this one quote sussed already, right?


Yes, I look more mature these days, I’m getting married and I have a beautiful spirited child who gives me more joy than any drug or party  or person ever did. I’m turning 35 in November.


As many people say:  I have come so far.

I have cheated death more times than the luckiest of cats.

I’ve gone from a 5 stone , skeleton to a 10 stone toned person full of child hearted  playfulness , a life, friends and  love.

What comes after marriage?


No. Of course I don’t. I was  put on these meds to drug me into staying on bed rest.So, I didn’t burn off more calories when I was ill and severely Anorexic in 2005 . I also use them too hep me eat. Sometimes I still get anxious when I eat and after I have eaten.

One part of my eating disorder that hasn’t disappeared.

I do love food. A great anxiety reliever for me is exercising (in moderation).

I’ve been on these meds for over 10 years! Along with other medication.

I’ve spoken with my support  of a reduction plan at my own pace. I am up for it because eventually  we want to extend our family but today  I have suddenly been struck with the blood of a lizard.

Pale and anxious.

How am I going to cope without this shit that keeps me okay?

G  is an epic Dad. He deserves his hockey team.  😀   -(He is  not getting a Hockey team)

I haven’t touched cigs since my Aunt died of Lung Cancer in February 2015  but I am still addicted to nicotine.


I can go without alcohol . That is not an issue for me.

So on these terms and as I stand today, what kind of start would I be giving our child (if I can conceive) ?

It is not  good enough.


I’m trying to get my career back.

Since I have been focusing on the wedding, I have stepped away from volunteering and I feel a great loss in my life.

Volunteering and training in various courses was my career and still will be until I can get FULL  TIME work to pay the bills and maybe even take a holiday.

My previous pregnancy was a disaster because of the place I was in at that time.

I am utterly terrified of my body changing again, I’m afraid I won’t get an easy labour now I know how it all works and feels.

So do we wait a few years?

I’m less likely to conceive as each cycle goes by.

We want to move to  better place. A place we will be happier.

There are no chances of any accidents.

I am responsible and have the Non hormonal IUD fitted in me.

There are so many quotes about trusting your heart and not your mind. I yearn for another child. I want the chance to be excited and be a life  giver with a whole new outlook this time.

Time is working against me. I wouldn’t worry  so much if I was in my 20’s.

I looked up 50 great reasons to get pregnant. There are some gems in there. I never felt my Bella Bee move as she was snuggled behind my placenta.

How shallow does this sound.

I want another girl.

I don’t know what is up with me. I should be happy I have a family already.

I am.

I am scared of  having regrets too.

I am scared that I have a limited chance of conceiving again.

I am terrified of losing what I have (including control of my body)

I am angry that I worry about my body when the bigger picture is the miracle of life.

So I should know better.

I don’t want to go down the IVF route.

I’m not to posh to push ( gas and air will do)

I don’t even want to carry on with this post because I get so emotional.

I’ve never been great at planning. Impulse has always been my default mode.






Today, I am not magically fixed.

I may look like I have my shit together and most days I do.

I am also a human  being who has thoughts and emotions just like everybody else.

I just  choose not to hide the fact that I have bad days.

Why should I?

 I am not saying it is easy to shift Depression and Anxiety. It isn’t.

Finding  Good coping skills  and using them are the key to helping  you manage yourself .

  • It takes time to find healthier coping skills. 

  • New Coping Strategies take practice

  • Be kind to yourself.

  • Remember, whatever coping skills you are using now, you have probably used them for a long time.

  • It will take time to gain confidence in using other coping skills.

  • There is no time limit on change- it is constant.

  • Be easy on yourself but try and find the balance to challenge yourself too. 

  • Know where to access help 

  • Ask for help

  • Establish and use a support network .

  •  Consider making a some kind of contingency plan like WRAP

That’s for my mini me.

Eating at the table- as you do. My four year old starts talking about the end of the ‘skeleton dance’ . She has just got back from school. Concerned? just a tad. 

The Spanish inquisitor comes out in me and I realise she is telling me that Spring is coming.

ME: Oh yes, I can’t wait for Spring! Hate this weather

MINI ME: Mommy you are just going to have to be patient.

Well, what if I don’t want to be patient?  Little Miss smart ass.  

ME: Honey you know those monsters I said were not allowed in this house? well……………………

Parenting and Mental Health


I was lucky to get a place on Calderdale’s first ‘mental health and parenting conference organised by an incredible charity called ‘Healthy minds’. People who know my story in previous posts may just be able to grasp the surrealness I felt being a part of a conference made up of social workers, Independent reviewing offices, psychologists, family support workers the women centre and mental health service users and volunteers.

All brought together under one roof with a common goal of learning about mental health and parenting and how the two can concur. I was inspired by the people who spoke about their experiences with various professionals. People being ignored and there wishes overridden all because they may have had a mental health history. I finally felt that all my life and experiences have led me to this road that I am walking in my present life. I’m not the only one who wants to change! YAY!

 Mental health is about EVERYBODY and if we continue to ignore this fact we are seriously hindering safeguarding our community. I did two awesome workshops today: one is on how we in the community can get service users to access the services available. Fear is a motivating factor. Fear of being put down, fear that benefit money will be stopped, fear of local authorities involvement such as social services. Calderdale professionals need to get wise about mental health and be a part of the solution.

STOP TAKING KIDS AWAY FROM PARENTS WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES and start signposting people to groups and services they can find support without judgement. One person I was over the moon to see was the independent reviewing officer who resided over my daughter’s case when she was a word of the court and in temporary foster care. This is the same woman 3 months into our case decided to ratify the social services plan to have my daughter adopted. We met today at the same level. She acted like a long time friend. She was the thorn in my side. We clash personality-wise and sometimes even professionals can’t put their personal feelings to one side. We are only human, right?  I don’t hold any grudges. I have my baby home where she belongs. I was happy to see her there ready to learn something. So good on her.

Something that never seems to fail to surprise me is how professionals link Domestic violence with mental health and assume that taking a child from their family is the only solution. NO! There are loads of groups mothers and fathers can access in my area to learn how to leave a bad relationship, find housing and receive mental health support and still keep their children with them. All these targets that local authorities need to hit-its like working for an inbound insurance company. The focus needs to be first and foremost how a family can stay together reasonably safely. This does require thinking out the box and more support workers and social workers and agencies to challenge their beliefs about mental health.

We all know there are major funding issues for mental health causes. Where I live it seems if you live in an arty area and can create then you deserve funding. Yes, being creative and having writing/ acting/ dancing and painting workshops are great but society still has a preconceived idea of what creativity means. We are all unique and funding should be more readily available. Although this bullshit Tory government needs to go back to the ’80s and die with all the bad perms of the day. 

I am getting ahead of myself. Back to the conference. Another workshop I chose to go on was the ‘mothers apart’ group. CLICK HERE FOR PLENTY INFO. Originally I was going to do the creativity workshop with a lady I will be working with on an anti-stigma workshop in November. I want to be creative. She is doing very well in her personal life. A book published. I’m a writer…but no I had to put my ego to one side and go with my instincts. I know about living apart from my child. I know the system, the flaws, the places to access help, how to communicate with various agencies, what needs to be done so everyone is working from a current document and not a bunch of minutes that were typed up in 1985. Slight exaggeration but you get my meaning. From this workshop, I’m in touch with the organiser and I will do anything to help.

There are so many different levels of support I want to access and learn to help others. I know I go on an about being a volunteer and I go on about it not because I want people to think I am a good person. I am but unfortunately, there are not paid jobs in the mental health sector for me, yet. Until I one comes along. I will continue to volunteer. It helps put my mental health in perspective. I feel like this is where I have always wanted to be. I was meant to take this path (fate if you like) but I also made the conscious decision to go down this path which is crucially important because I know why I am on this path.  It was a brilliant day. I feel inspired, positively ready for hard work and breaking boundaries and using my voice and developing my skills even further. I finally feel useful again. I have a purpose other than being a Mum to my gorgeous child or a super cool wife to be hahaha. So this is where I am at.  I’m going to put down a few links for anybody who is interested. The first is about how you can literally ‘HELP OUT WHEN YOU CHECK OUT’ – All you need to do is carry on shopping and buying the things you do but sign up to this site and every purchase you make at whichever store or organisation- a % of the money goes to the Health minds or a  charity of your choice. How easy and cool is that? No direct debits to register – 1 minute of your time is needed. 1 minute. I also got chatting to someone who gave me some information about ‘Fashion textile children’s trust’  – which helps people who work in certain sectors who need financial support their child’s wellbeing click here for more information  HOW COOL IS THAT?



Thoughts about what recovery means to me

Morning all,

I have just opened up my emails and came across this blog talking about what recovery means to them. I have been thinking about this for quite some time. The thing is I am not horrifically underweight anymore. My skin is glowing and my body is a normal size. I am on medication for both my Chronic Anorexia and my Bipolar and yes this medication does keep me well most of the time; I can go through months of being mostly well with the odd fluctuating mood. I can eat food these days without feeling too much guilt.

I agree that recovery is a word that is misleading. It kind of hints that a person is miraculously well and cured of all maladies. This is not the case. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t wake up thinking about my weight or going to sleep thinking about my weight. I manage my illness differently to how I have in the past. I do more of the things that keep me well. Tools that I am going to pass on to others with WRAP and other workshops and groups that I go to, arming myself with knowledge and the correct jargon to use and a set of principles and actions that have been proven to work to help people manage their illness.

With my Bipolar I tend to get very elevated in mood rather quickly. I’m like a whirlwind. I’m pressurised to doing things. LOTS OF THINGS NOW!  I  am impulsive and not usually able to see warning signs I usually do. I can just as quickly go down in mood as quickly as the proverbial ‘hot air balloon’. I usually go through longer periods of the depressive side of Bipolar. It is like being in Antarctica- colourless, cold and isolated. I can go for months sleeping my days away. Sometimes medication -like antidepressants or antipsychotics( mood-stabilizing drugs) and anti-anxiety tablets don’t work. They may be able to take the edge off but the illness can become ever so consuming and slap me with such a force I wonder if I dreamt my better moments. My recovery.

I have been suffering more than a usual lot with my illnesses since June 2015. I have been using the tools I learned to use when my daughter was in care.  have been keeping busy. Trying not to weigh myself as many times as I would have in the past. I have cut out on foods but I eat healthily, I exercise -a huge stress release for me. I talk to my family and medical professionals in my life. Instead of starving myself and taking overdoses and getting into fucked up relationships – platonic or not. I now channel my energies by volunteering with people who are focused on being well. I blog. I challenge myself – an example is I have signed up for a writing challenge called NANOWRIMO. My partner cooks for me and my daughter because I don’t feel comfortable cooking in a kitchen. This might sound crazy but it is a way around so I do eat. I take extra medication or PRN.  I  take this extra medication when I need to bring myself to a safer level in mood.

I agree with moodscapes blog that the best way to manage an illness is to power up and educate yourself about yourself and your illness. Learning never stops unless you stop. I look like any other person in this world. I cope differently but I am not immune to relapsing. I am after all only human. If I could be more than human I would strive to be more. I’ve in more contact with professionals lately and yes, I will have to go and have a chat with my psychiatrist and inform him what is going on so he has a clearer picture of how my mental health affects me and if the pattern has stayed the same or veered off on another course. I have a lot of support around me that I access and I am so grateful to have them in my life. Recovery implies ‘fixed and repaired’ to me. Recovery is a process-maybe even a lifetime process. I have been weighed down with terror and panic at all the worms that have started to slither their way out of every orifice they can find, to escape. Fighting them to go back and mutate into something more constructive for my mental health has been an ongoing struggle.  When I found out I had Chronic anorexia I thought it meant me and revolving doors and hospitals. It was like that for many years but I understand that chronic can build up and up. I may shrug off the thoughts or try to take my meds. I do positive things with my life but chronic can mean debilitating to me. It is a chronic struggle. Some days worse are than others. I could easily hide away from the world and live life as a recluse but I choose not too. I fought every enemy to keep my child and that was when I decided to get in the race of life. I got her back. I still had times when I broke down but I got her back. Stress and threats to my life ie. financial stress, family issues, weight fluctuations, wedding planning, being a Mom being an engaging partner can wrestle havoc in my mind and my ability to get to the point where I am managing better again.

There are no quick fixes in life. My illness, labels and how I experience them and how they affect me are not textbook. Nobody’s is. I liken myself to a house; I have built firm solid foundations so that if the roof blows away or the house gets damp or needs repair,, that solid framework -the skeleton of the house is still there to rebuild. I know that people may think that some of the courses I go on and share on my blog seem elementary but they are not. There is so much power in getting thoughts out of your head – it could be writing things down, painting knitting, writing a mini stage play, going for a run. Writing and keeping busy help me. This morning at 6 a.m. I feel the weight pulling me down, the anxiety clawing its way around my gut. I’m going to take my meds, make sure my daughter gets to school and get myself to the ‘parenting and mental health’ conference that I have been so excited about it, since I found I got a place to go to it. One moment at a time. One day at a time..  Thank you to Moodscope for helping me find my voice to write about something I have been struggling with. Check out their blog post on the blue link.MOODSCOPE BLOG