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Mrs Go Luck (nee) Gappy

( photo credit)

Francesca Woodman – White Socks, Providence, Rhode Island, 1976.

( … from the book Francesca Woodman, edited by Corey Keller, San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, 2011.)

Mikkipedia

Never give up!

Nina sang it well: it’s a new dawn, a new day….

When you look at yourself straight on in the mirror – chant his name three times.

The Grim Reaper is more likely to pay a visit and say ‘wassup?

Thinking about all those folk who want to live. Don’t have a cat’s chance or a lucky clover to pray over.

Last night, life became mission impossible. If you read it – I’m free flowing this to say, don’t give up.

Don’t give in.

When it feels like you are at the end of Hangman’s noose, about to kick the bucket from under your feet;

that is the moment where we have the opportunity to reveal our true soul’s pathos.

Don’t you think the cloaked hooded figure has a lot of soul collecting to get on with?

I’m not saying that what we feel at the time we feel it is an illusion.

What I pointing out is that change is the only constant – and  that can lead to desperate ,devastating confusion.

Inside me – I’m still trembling, worrying , wondering. What am I going to do? Can I do this?

Questions and questions and questions blowing out fog enough to make any mind spin.

Stop. Hammer time.

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No , that is not what I meant to write.   😀

Warped sense of humour.

Effective enough to keep all the rattling bones and bolts inside me, cast a  glow over my demeanour.

Hope.

Look around you. Every time you see a flower bloom -despite its brethren humming out sad tunes.

Hope.

That is Life continuing in spite of all the strife.

Hope .

One seed of Hope. Get through this second,hour, evening.

Take the seed, germinate it, nurture it, feed it, love it , talk  to it.

Take the time – make it thine.

watch it grow into a mighty oak – proud and on display.

it seems impossible to define.

Plant it. Don’t throw it away.

Keep a hold of it. It may just be the one thing that  carries you over the struggle D-day line.

On the surface – flowers. trees, icebergs – all look fantastical – magical even.

Look below the surface. There is a formula – you can build on that too – no magic. no miracles.

Approach thyself with an examining eye.

Make it  your number one priority to get to know what makes you  tick.

If you stop ticking- make it your priority to know where to go to get a battery replacement or get your heart resuscitated.

Know what makes you well, try things that seem alien, reach out of that comfort zone.

Scream ,yell, type, don’t bottle it  up – we have the technology – make a call -pick the phone up.

We have a voice – use it. Listen!

sweet melodic freedom – I am the only one with the key to unlock and escape from my own prison.

Hope.

Never give up.

No matter how difficult and complicated it gets – remember  that there is more to this space than a  one-dimensional prism.

 I know it’s scary – to feel caught up in a schism.

Pieces of the mind caving in -thoughts toppling over, it’s like being a Chilean miner being held hostage underground.

Two months of no light . A sorrowful plight.

It’s dark but you are still breathing. You may be the only one but time is not about to start giving in.

Chin up. Keep looking for a strategy.

An exit route. Use that sombre time to recollect . Hell, get all dramaturgy.

We come into this world kicking, screaming, wondering, possibly even believing. We mustn’t give up unless time says  ‘okay enough’.

So, I say go the way you came in . If it is not  our time – then fight with every muscle. All the nerve you can summon up.

Truth  or  dare?

I  have truth spilling out of my aura like pennies falling into the slot machine, the one in  working  order.

Dare to have.  slip on your shades if you have to – things might just get a little brighter.

You may levitate – feel lithe and even  a little lighter.

Don’t be afraid to succeed and be happy

You don’t need to go to the dentist to get your two front teeth divided so you can look like Mrs Go  Lucky Gappy.

*Inspired by my WRAP plan and my recent WRAP facilitator  training* 

 

 

Celebrating being a woman

 

I did a lot of things I never thought I would have the guts to do

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” -HENRY FORD 

When I was fighting my ex and social services for custody of my daughter, I did something that I didn’t think I would ever have the courage to do. I thought everyone thought I was this

 

I was finding myself again. It is a never ending process.  I was many miles -eons even away from the person I am today.

This person who I am today is someone I could not have foreseen.

I found out a girl from college was doing a ‘equality and diversity ‘ campaign for her final project  before she graduated and all I needed to do to get involved, if I wanted to was get naked.

Yup! that’s it.

 

A bunch off ladies I had never met bar one (College girl) was my company for the day and we were all walking around butt naked -having our pictures taken.

I was compelled to do this project because I was trying to find freedom – a freedom I had never expressed or experienced before, under the blaring  light of my unwanted entourage- social  services and who ever came with them skirting around their coat tails..

  • I couldn’t fall into abusive relationships any longer

  • I couldn’t close my mind to the world by self medication.

  • I couldn’t lose my mind and end up in hospital 

I ended up rebelling or what I now see as expressing my uniqueness in more gratifying ways.

I was going through a mad time of changing my hair colour nearly every 2/3 week. The day before the shoot. My hair had turned from purple to murky green.

The hairdresser wanted me to pay for this mistake but I stood my ground and this was also new to me. I was good at telling myself what to do but I was never assertive enough to tell others what I would and would not accept.

I have found out that we have a name for this  in our everyday communication and it is called ‘Boundaries’.

Hairdresser sorted my hair out for free and off I went to do the photo shoot. My partner literally held my hand leading me like a child to the school gates.

Gently telling me I could do this.

I walked into the room , laughter, nibbles and cava flowing to yield the nerves  It felt like they all turned to me and gave me the look. That girl look we do with one another.

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You know the one.

They probably didn’t.

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I got naked and just put my ‘I am super confident hat’ on and I winged my way through the day.

I tried to be a normal woman. Not a mother who had social services on their back and an ex with a taste for revenge. I know some people had heard gossip but I just carried on.

Forced myself to speak and do chit chat- which I loathe.

I came into my own and loved posing and feeling empowered. I got to laugh and be among women who had their own issues and problems. I didn’t feel so ostracised from my community for those few hours.

So, there is a lot to be said about diversity and equality -all can be found here

please if you can take a moment to watch

 I was fi

This kind of rebelling or should I say going against the crowd was new to me. I was used to rebelling in  a way that always ended up hurting me and not empowering me

There is a lot to be said about how powerful empowering yourself is. Sometimes we don’t know that what we are doing is empowering myself.

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Since I’ve done a lot of inner self-help work on myself. These are a  just a few of the ways I have empowered myself

  • I carried on studying for my BA  online. I would study at court waiting to go into the judge’s chambers. Day in and day out.

  • I went on an empowering program for woman who has been abused by men called THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

  • I refused too be bullied by anyone in the social services click. I spoke up a lot for myself and my daughter

  • I held my head up high when I walked around the town I live in. I refused to be bought down by peoples “tsk tsk- did you know that girl had her……..” 

  • I started volunteering not thinking it would have the effect it has had on me 

  • I did loads of courses and training workshops to skill myself up

  • I became a true feminist and equal to my husband to be

  • Accepted people and relationships for what they are

  • I started blogging

These are just a few ways I have empowered myself and in turn, enriched my life. The person I see or who you may see today did not just happen. It took a lifetime of mishaps, experiences, mistakes, learning, behaviours and generally trying my hand at living to achieve me.

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I see something in me that can only be seen outside of me because the glow is not a few embers chilling out on a bit of coal. I have an inner fire I try and keep lit all the time. I am the vigil of this candle.

It is my responsibility to keep the fire blazing. I had taken myself to the ‘hoki poki’ clinic and turned it all around for myself. 😀

 

Expect more wedding-themed updates in the next upcoming week. 21st June is fast approaching. I have a post about wedding vows which made my heart melt but I will write about that another day.

There are so many ways we can empower ourselves. I have found that if something is scary and it is partly terrifying, it involves me coming out of myself and connecting with others. This is usually  a good gauge  to check out if  I am doing something to empower myself.   I hope all these ladies still feel proud about what we did  three years ago in May 2013

 

( photo credits Julie Teague @ https://www.facebook.com/Julieatjtphotography/

Cheerio escapee

Intense

Too much so dispense

Emotions ladled with cheerios

Not fun when rotund escapees flee from the nick.

Allow inner self respect to dictate your tone.

I digress,

I can write.

I can.

It’s a ‘happening’ .

I’m not doing this out of lust or hate.

Per chance,I did go to heaven or indeed another similar place-

that night

ICU

14 hours unconscious and not one recollection — not even my mother thumbing rosary beads

A doctor shakes his head

This patient is not good. prepare yourself, Madre

Rely on myself. Thanks fam for keeping me in Santa’s good books.

I’m already a well established drama telethon.

Damn I don’t need extra baggage-unless I can pay for it.

Even then should you allow me to?

Excess mass – Ovid thinks I’m Italian.

Rivaled Jesus

I fell off that mountain – Artemis mouthed out the word,

splat!

Yeah that is a fact.

12 Caesars rendered him an asylum seeker in religious scriptures.

Buck a wheat

mind your feet.

I’ve stopped caring.

Wait up!

I care enough to share my time, my belongings even..

I’ve stopped crying over boys sti growing into men

who provoke Life to ankle bite at 11th hour on the clock face

Solemn how it stare.

Routine attacks-skin rendered ready for a dose of reupholstery.

I do care.

I am kind.

I’m immune to people and places that hold me as a

syndronised Swedish ball,

slurpie, slush puppy.

Made in Stockholm.

Rhese are justwords,

it’s not about defining what this is or isn’t.

Conversations are a top way to parlez vous

You

Who?

Chapeaux -we have come to untether my very end.

If you don’t feel a vibe speak not in tongues or a form of verbose

Mutterings.

I’m not one for stuttering.

I guess I’m fickle too

I thought I fell harder way more than I have.

What does love for a soul mate feel like?

Two hands framed by a scarf around a neck?

Blue Smurfette isn’t down on my list of taboos to do.

One step

A few words…

Keep talking ,

keep laughing ,

keep crying.

Whatever you do — sweet heart — remember to stay true to you.

Me?

Yes, love — number one.

I’ve got you .